NL CENTRAL
(Listed in Order
of 2003 Finish)
ED: Ed Agner
BB:
Bill Barnwell
PR:
Phil Rippa
CHICAGO CUBS
2003 Record –
88-74 (Lost in NLCS)
Key
Additions: Greg Maddux, LaTroy Hawkins, Kent Mercker, Derrek Lee,
Michael Barrett, Ryan Dempster, Todd Walker, Paul Bako, Todd
Hollandsworth, Andy Pratt
Key
Losses: Eric Karros, Kenny Lofton, Antonio Alfonseca, Randall Simon,
Doug Glanville, Shawn Estes, Tony Womack, Dave Veres, Mark Guthrie, Hee
Seop Choi, Damian Miller, Juan Cruz
ED: Los Cubbies won the NL Central
title with pitching. Pitching?! The Cubs?! As much as that goes against
nature, 'tis true. Prior-Wood-Zambrano are the fruits of a strangely-
and newly-found organizational philosophy of drafting and developing
good arms - and you thought that Billy Beane was the only one who did
that, didn't you?
BB: Well, the White Sox do it too.
Kenny Williams just trades them away, though. VETERAN PRESENCE!!! and
all that.
ED: Having somehow survived the
ham-fisted arm-slagging managerial ineptitude of previous regimes, the
troika blossomed and carried the Cubs under Dusty Baker's more-sound
handling. Adding Greg Maddux to the starting mix and LaTroy Hawkins to
a nice pen make the prospects of a repeat in '04 seem reasonable.
PR: I am assuming all this isn't
taking into account that Mark Prior is starting the season on the DL.
Poor little Achilles...
BB: I think Dusty gets lonely at
night and calls up Livan Hernandez and makes him throw 130 pitches
inside of his hotel room.
PR: Well Dusty would have started
Jason Schmidt in Game 7 though. Poor little arm...
ED: Oh yeah, it's says many a sad
thing about the Cubs recent history when Dusty Baker is a symbol of
managerial excellence.
ED: Offensively, the Cubs resembled
a typical Dusty Baker team - heavy reliance upon a prolific slugger
with some nice supporting bats and the dependence on the power of
prayer that Dusty's strange magic continues to work on otherwise
unspectacular VETERAN!!! role players put in situations where no fan of
the team ever wants to see them perform. Giving up on Hee Seop Choi for
the VETERANNESS!!! of Derrek Lee was ill-advised for the long-term, but
is there any move more befitting a Dusty Baker club than that? I think
not.
PR: Yeah, I am not sold on Derrek
Lee suddenly being the world's greatest first baseman. Yeah, he will
get to frighten small children on Wayland Ave. with a few extra Home
Runs but still, he isn't afraid to whiff a 1000 times a season. Plus,
Lee numbers sure dip during day games. But that isn't a problem playing
for the Cubs... oh wait... it is. At least, the Cubbies moved Eric
Karros so Dusty won’t be tempted to keep rolling out that platoon. But
honestly, the real reason Baker got Lee to replace the Choi/Karros
mini-hydra is because to paraphrase Dusty "he can handle the heat
better".
ED: Well, Dusty DID end the season
with a Simon/Karros platoon, so his first basemen did half-handle the
heat pretty well.
BB: I think my biggest concern is
how Shawnon Dunston fits into this team. Sadly, I am completely and
utterly sure that is Dusty's biggest concern, too. I'm not really
against the Lee signing; I just wish that he'd grow an Abel Xavier
beard so he could complete the look.
ED: I'm starting to feel like Bud
Abbott here.
PR: Bud Adams what???
BB: Boy, did the Cubs make some
ugly offseason signings. People seem convinced of LaTroy Hawkins, so I
guess I won't argue with that; but Todd Hollandsworth? Todd Walker?
Michael Barrett? Were Brant Brown, Mark Grudzielanek, and Damian Miller
not available? Oh – wait – the Cubs are responsible for all them.
Whoops.
PR: Ooof... this pen has more
questions that a Choose Your Own Adventure. (Though the thought of
Dusty having to decide whether to take the long, windy scenic forest
road to the stadium or the short, hazard-filled trip to Wayland Ave.
tickles me ever so.)
ED: Aww, Phil, Dusty's Choose Your
Own Adventure managerial strategies are more akin to a Star Wars Choose
Your Own Adventure book. What with Dusty always using Jedi mind
tricks on young pitchers, picking out veteran scalawags to assist him,
fighting hopeless battles, etc. I assume he favors taking the
Obi-Wan role.
BB: That Natalie Portman sure is
hot. Did they have Star Wars back when you guys were kids, too?
PR: Mike Remlinger is out for who
knows how long since he had surgery on his arm. Hawkins’ last couple of
years were really nice in Minnesota. But he ain't in the dome and 2001
wasn't that long ago. I am going to assume Joe Borowski is the real
deal but I can see Dusty getting impatient and when Joe blows a save in
early May, suddenly Hawkins is the closer, and Katie bar the door.
ED: The pen was nice on paper,
going into Spring. Now, because of injuries and Juan Cruz
trade-strangeness, the pen is becoming a HUGE question mark for the
Cubs now - and one of the things that will keep them out of the World
Series. That and the curse The Sporting News just put on them by
picking a Cubs-Red Sox World Series. Look, if the name of your magazine
is The Sporting News, maybe you should have a better track record at
picking things than a drunken monkey with darts.
PR: I am thinking that the Cubs/Sox
World Series is going to be the hip thing to pick this year and that is
just outright flipping the bird on the Baseball Gods. As a Yankee
fan... I fully encourage this. “Hey Baseball Gods! Curt Schilling is
calling you out on a message board. Punish him!”
ED: You are such a
spiteful-spiteful man.
PR: I love Kyle Farnsworth. I
always end up grabbing him once or twice a fantasy season looking for a
couple of cheap wins or saves and a big mess of strikeouts. Plus, I am
a mark for funky throwing motions.
ED: Phil, you saw Sam Militello
come and go. You know that the only other person who's a mark for a
funky pitching motion is Dr. Andrews.
ED: That
Wood-Prior-Maddux-Zambrano-Clement rotation, IF HEALTHY, is as good as,
if not better than, the much-hyped Astros staff. The offense will be
fine and should be helped by the addition of Lee and full seasons from
Aramis Ramirez and Corey Patterson - serving as much to keep Dusty from
fiddling around with giving too many outs to those possessing VETERAN
PRESENCE!!! as to actually solidifying the positions themselves. As a
bone thrown to MGR. VETERAN PIXIE DUST!!!, the Cubs have created
platoon spot ugliness at catcher and second base, which will probably
provide results that will stun, amaze, confound and horrify. Human
nature and the Cubs track record keeps me from picking them to repeat,
but unless bad luck and bad health comes back to bite them in the ass,
there's no reason they can't win 90+ games in this division and compete
for a playoff spot.
PR: I wonder what Chicago fans will
blow up next winter. I weep for Bill Murray.
ED: The energy the Cubs and their
fans put into destroying the Bartman ball would've been better served
in trying to give Moises Alou a vertical leap better than mine.
BB: It's the Cubs. Let's be
serious. VPD will get them to 95 wins but they ain't going anywhere in
the playoffs. There's only so much Veteran Presence can do for the
Cubs. That's all assuming, like you said, if the rotation stays
healthy. I figure Wood goes down and Juan Cruz comes in and wins 15
games in his stead. And Shawn Estes still starts in the postseason
ahead of him.
PR: Yeah, not going to happen since
the Cubs gave up on Juan Cruz. Poor little next big thing. Though I
guess Adam Pratt will be fine... assuming he learns to find the plate
consistently. And it already looks like Dusty is going to be using him
as a LOOGY... and the second LOOGY out of the bullpen.
ED: That Juan Cruz deal was really
stinky. I have no sympathy for any team dumb enough to get ripped off
by John Schuerholz. I mean, even Ed Wade ripped off John Schuerholz.
Yeesh!
HOUSTON ASTROS
2003 Record –
87-75
Key
Additions: Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Brandon Duckworth, Phil Hiatt,
Tony Fiore, John Valentin, Dave Veres, Tony Fiore, Brian Moehler,
Orlando Palmeiro, Mike Lamb
Key
Losses: Billy Wagner, Geoff Blum, Mitch Meluskey, Ron Villone, Orlando
Merced
PR: I was amazed that Houston only
won 87 games last year. I thought they had hit 90. Especially the
division they were in. 10 wins against Pittsburgh, 12 against Cincy,
oh... they only went 9-8 against the Brewers. Yeah, that will do it.
Eight losses to the Brewers – yeesh.
ED: They were distracted by Wendy
Selig.
ED: The Astros withstood a litany
of injuries to their starting rotation to take the race for the NL
Central title down to the final weekend of the season. Somehow
overcoming Jimy Williams' kooky tinkering with the everyday line-up,
the offense took charge of things thanks to the re-emergence of Richard
Hidalgo, the constant excellence of Lance Berkman, the yeoman work of
Jeff Bagwell and the blossoming of Morgan Ensberg.
BB: In all fairness, Ensberg was
always ready; the Astros were merely mesmerized by the utilititarianism
of Geoff Blum. And you can't blame them. He's got moxie. I think
Ensberg had to buy some scrap from Chris Truby to get recognized by the
Killer B's.
PR: How happy do you think Morgan
was to hear that the Astros acquired Mike Lamb? I feared for the safety
of his pets.
ED: Any other team makes that deal
and it's no biggie. But with Jimy Williams as the manager...GAH! That
crazy old man will single-handedly wreck my fantasy leagues.
ED: Going into the off season, the
Astros appeared to be in a state of flux - the Bagwell and Biggio
clique nearing the end of its reign, looking for one last chance to
FINALLY win a playoff series; Richard Hidalgo going into a contract
year; young studs in Berkman, Ensberg and Jason Lane ready to make the
'Stros their own, yet with a starting staff that is as promising and
talented as it is frustrating and fragile.
BB: AND they signed Phil Hiatt. I
feel bad that Ensberg is keeping Hiatt down now. I'm not sure how to
alleviate these problems. Alcohol will help, though.
PR: Seriously, the Astros know
there are other positions besides third base – right? It’s getting to
the point where I fully expect them to unblacklist Ken Caminiti to add
another person to the 40 man who is going keep Morgan down.
ED: So what do the Astros do? Of
course - sign Koufax and Drysdale. I consider myself a bit of a
baseball geek, but I was not aware that Andy Pettitte had converted to
Judaism. Nor was I aware that Roger Clemens was an overrated glamour
boy. I always thought Pettitte was a nice little innings-eating lefty,
overrated with the whole "POST SEASON MYSTIQUE/BIG GAME PITCHER" tag
that the NY press had put on him.
PR: Don't forget the pickoff move
hype.
ED: C'mon, who's the last guy
Pettitte's picked off? Kenny Lofton in, what, '98?
PR: Oh, I am sure Johnny Damon fell
asleep at some point last year. He had to have.
ED: It looks like Damon saved
all his sleep for the offseason. Poor little Rip Van Winkle.
ED: And I'm pretty certain I
thought I saw Pettitte do some strange glassy-eyed commercials for the
Mormons or Moonies or Scientologists or something. I know he wasn't
pimping the Chosen Folk, that's for sure. Certainly, Pettitte never
struck me as Sandy Koufax-like. And Clemens always struck me as the
best pitcher of his generation, not some hard throwing Robin glomming
off fame from a Herbraic Batman. But what do I know? If every
sportswriter in America says Pettitte-Clemens are the new
Koufax-Drysdale, it must be so. Who am I to argue with the cirrhotic
liver of an established sportswriter?
PR: YEAH! WHO ARE YOU TO
QUESTION?!?!?! Many of those fine, fine established sportswriters tell
us that Bert Blyleven and Rich Gossage aren't Hall of Famers. THEY KNOW
BASEBALL DAMMIT!
ED: Right. Who am I to question
those who thought David Ortiz was the AL MVP? Or the dB's. Or Mike
Crudale.
PR: Do you think we have made Peter
Gammons cry yet? Do I have to punch Eddie Vedder in the face to get
that to happen?
ED: I will punch Mike Crudale
to help out.
BB: Unless Clemens can successfully
insist that all his starts are in the Astrodome, I don't think he's
going to be worth the $5 million. He posted a 112 ERA+ last year, and
101 the year before. On the other hand, I think Andy Pettitte is going
to start doing commercials for the Church of Adam Everett by the end of
the season.
PR: If Andy wanted to stay close to
home, I got no beef with that. He got many a win that Yankees fans are
grateful for. Is he better than Javier Vazquez? No.
ED: Phil, I believe you're glossing
over the fact that...ahem...Andrew Eugene Pettitte is a PROVEN
CLUTCH-GOD BIG GAME WINNER!!!! Can you say that about Javier Vazquez? I
think not!
BB: I think the bigger problem is
going to be the trading of Billy Wagner for the Phillies junk. The
innings that Wagner used to take will now be on Dotel; which is good,
because Dotel's just as good of a pitcher, but bad, because Dotel's arm
is about to fall off. Dotel's innings fall on Brad Lidge, which is bad,
because Lidge's arm is always about to fall off. And as for Brandon
Duckworth, his OPS against actually decreases as he pitches more, so
I'm not sure what makes the Astros think he'll be better as a reliever.
PR: Dan Miceli was fine working out
of the pen for Houston last year in a limited capacity. His numbers got
really ugly thanks to the magic of Coors. Of course, it seems like
every other year he has some knew aliment that forces him to miss 153
games. At least, he and Clemens and Biggio and Bagwell can sit around
reminiscing about the good old days when those darn kids didn't have
the internet or them MP3s or cell phones. They miss the early 90s.
ED: *sniff* IIIIII miss the
early-90's. Glory days! Glory Dayyyya--- Hey! Wait! Come back! I'll
tell ya about how I watched the entire Persian Gulf conflict on CNN
while contemplating ways to run to Canada just in case. Please. Come
back.
ED: OK, truth be told, the
Pettitte-Clemens pick-ups were nice moves - especially since they came
relatively cheap. If any three of the previous starting combo of
Oswalt, Miller, Redding, Duckworth, Hernandez and Robertson can stay
healthy, and Koufax and Drysdale can eat 200+ innings again, that's a
damn fine staff, obviously. Offensively, there are questions and
concerns - it's per near impossible for Biggio to play CF with that
fork in his back but he could be helped with a platoon mate/CF legs,
the glass-fragile Jeff Kent appears to be spending his Spring Training
trying to discover the steroid usage of dinosaurs (thereby getting
himself prepared for the greatest debate ever with Carl Everett),
PR: I believe Kent accused Adam of
taking Viagra... I can’t find the link to the story on Fark at the
moment though.
ED: Brad Ausmus provides nothing
more than VETERAN PRESENCE (except to Diane Sawyer, I guess), Bags is
looking mortal and Hidalgo is coming off his first good year since
being hit by the Prospectus cover curse. As much as I give kudos to the
'Stros for moving Billy Wagner to give Octavio Dotel the closer's role,
someone will have to help Brad Lidge eat the middle innings. Despite it
all, the improvements to the rotation and heavy lifting by Berkman,
Ensberg and Bagwell should be enough for a 90+ win season and playoff
contention.
PR: Houston will eventually have a
catcher again who can get on base. Are you telling me that Biggio is
really that old and creaky that he couldn't return to catcher and the
Stros could then actually get a third outfielder, thus eliminating the
1 for 20 that upstanding citizen Ausmus brings.
ED: Why you gotta hate on Brad
Ausmus'... umm... VETERAN...umm...VETERAN...umm...
HANDLER...HANDLING....umm...HANDLE...HANDLER
OF PITCHERS...something. CERA, man! CERA!!!
BB: I have the feeling that
Drysdale's going to eat more than 200 innings. Not to say Clemens
doesn't work hard; it's just being at home all the time isn't going to
be conducive to eating well. In the next episode of my MLB 2004 sitcom,
Clemens is forced to miss a crucial start in August because Kory or
Khris or Khmer Rouge or whatever stupid name Clemens gave his children
have a soccer game and his wife needs to go play Bingo. Craig Biggio
volunteers to take the start and gives up 6 ER in 2 1/3 innings; Jeff
Bagwell still says that he was a better pitcher than Mitch Meluskey
ever would've been, while Bill James says that Biggio's a better
pitcher than Ken Griffey Jr. was in his prime.
ED: Pass.
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
2003 Record –
85-77
Key
Additions: Ray Lankford, Marlon Anderson, Ray King, Jason Marquis, Adam
Wainright, John Mabry, Jeff Suppan, Reggie Sanders, Julian Tavarez,
Steve Cox, Brent Butler, Tony Womack
Key Losses: Jeff
Fassero, Fernando Vina, Sterling Hitchcock, Mike DeJean, Brett Tomko,
Orlando Palmeiro, Esteban Yan, Miguel Cairo, Eduardo Perez
ED: Quick - name someone who has
annoyingly coasted longer than Tony LaRussa on past glories without
producing anything remotely resembling some supposed level of
excellence from which accolades and fame were bestowed upon them
long-long-long-long-long ago.
BB: Mark-Paul Gosselaar?
PR: OOH! umm... John Thompson?
Bobby Knight? Scottie Pippen?
ED: Hmm. Paul McCartney, of course.
BB: I think Paul McCartney redeemed
himself by marrying the one-legged model. I really love how
photographers don't take pictures of her below the waist like she's
freaking FDR or something. I am amused by simple things.
PR: OOH! OOH!! how about... Cuba
Gooding Jr. Then there is Barbra Streisand. And I can't forget Whoopi
Goldberg.
ED: Liz Taylor, without question.
BB: Well – I mean – Austin Powers
was a fine cinematic production. Four Weddings and a Fun…wait – who's
Liz Taylor?
PR: I hate you and your youth. And
a Liv Tyler joke would have been so much better.
BB: David Lee Roth? WAIT! I know!
STEVE PERRY!
ED: But in the baseball world? I'm
drawing blanks. Despite his George Will Honor Card/Genius Label,
LaRussa's work in St. Louis has been uninspired at best; inept, at
worst. Yet LaRussa mulleted along smugly as the Cards strolled along to
a third place finish in the Central, somehow superficially staying in
the race until the very end.
ED: To be fair, the Cards had
little starting pitching beyond Matt Morris and the eternally
DL-challenged Woody Williams, and a pen as combustible as a box of
matches.
BB: Well, that's their fault – the
rotation could easily be Morris/Williams/Ankiel/Alan Benes/Stephenson,
if His Divine Mullet didn't have an aversion to fully-connected labrums
and rotator cuffs. Or nerves, in Ankiel's case.
ED: Real men pitch through pain and
injuries, Bill. Benes, Ankiel, Stephenson? Meh. All girls.
ED: The Cards hit the offseason
looking to band-aid the problems by finally giving up on the DL-TASTIC
J.D. Drew and the utility player of LaRussa's dreams, Eli Marrero, for
Jason Marquis (WARNING: Braves Pitching Prospect! WARNING: Braves
Pitching Prospect! WARNING: Braves Pitching Prospect! WARNING: Braves
Pitching Prospect!); while picking up Jeff Suppan's Rope-A-Dope act and
Chris Carpenter's Dr. Andrews' Favored Arm Status off the scrap heap.
BB: Placido Polanco is really the
utility player that Tony LaRussa gets moist about at night. Astute
observers (and by astute, I mean Phil Rogers) would note that the
Cardinals did not make the playoffs last year, and they did not have
Placido Polanco on their roster. The three previous years, they had
Polanco and a playoff spot. CORRELATION!!! I think Marquis is more
Jason Schmidt than he is Bruce Chen. I guess you never know how they
turn will out once they get outside of the Mazzone Cocoon, though.
PR: They should have also signed
Clay Bellinger too. RINGS~!
ED: I wonder how Jim Leyritz never
caught on with the Cards?
ED: The pen was, in theory,
bolstered with the pick up of Ray King in the Drew deal and Julian
Tavarez from baseball hell. In other words, the gap between the
Cubs-Astros and the rest of the Central widens.
PR: If Tavarez pitches half as well
as he did last year when he was the one person capable of getting men
out in Pittsburgh, the Cardinals get themselves a heck of a find.
BB: Ray King might be the first
entry in the Bill Simmons reverse pantheon of people with
pasty-sounding names who aren't. Simmons commonly brings up Sidney
Ponson as the cardinal example of the opposite situation; King's a
pretty solid negative of that. I mean – when I think Ray King – I think
heavy, maybe Steve Rain-looking, but the spitting image of Mike
Jackson? Who knew?
PR: Oh yeah. I remember the first
time I looked up King's bio and saw his head shot. I thought it was
someone having some fun at someone else's expense. And I don't think
Mike Jackson would appreciate being called fat. Yeah, Ray King might
actually be Ponson's negative. Poor portly fellas.
ED: Wait! I thought C.C. Sabathia
was Ponson's negative.
ED: Rolen-Pujols-Renteria-Edmonds
and Rent-A Reggie Sanders should be enough offense to guarantee third,
though the presence of only one LH in that mix really tells on Walt
Jocketty's supposed genius as well. There is talk that Kerry Robinson
may be the lead-off man as some sort of Nise-Vince Coleman 2004. There
is a firecracker joke here that I am too proud to take.
PR: How many times a day do you
think LaRussa marches in demanding more lefties? I mean, how the heck
can you have an alternating lineup with out left handed batters. The
mullet is angry.
ED: Hey, it looks like Ray Lankford
will make the club. Anyone think THAT will end well? Anyone know where
Bernard Gilkey is?
BB: Ah, '93 Mets. How I miss
sponsoring your baseball-reference page. I will return one day.
ED: Bo Hart will contend with
Eckstein as talk radio's scrappy white guy dream. The pitching? Well,
Morris will be fine. Williams will have at least one trip to the DL and
the rest of the staff...well, Dave Duncan's a genius too, right? The
Cards will take third and even superficially compete again. LaRussa and
Walt Jocketty will deflect all blame, of course. The Cards really could
use an organizational change and/or some sort of attempt to rebuild to
get young arms in. But the faithful will still come in droves just to
see Pujols hit. There are worse situations to be in, of course. But
there's no way to assume the Cards can truly compete with the Cubs and
Astros at this point.
BB: It's possible they could win
the division. It involves Clemens getting angry and/or hungry and
chewing Roy Oswalt's arm off and Mark Prior Draveckying himself,
somehow – but it could happen. I figure what's more likely to happen is
Albert Pujols revealing he's 29, Scott Rolen tearing his ACL, and J.D.
Drew having an MVP season while laughing in the Cardinals faces all the
while. But it's a GREAT PLACE TO PLAY! Hopefully Whitey Herzog gets
hired by August. They already traded for Tony Womack. That’s the first
step down.
PR: JD Drew will also thank Jesus.
ED: Wait! Does that
mean J.D. will be spending too much time with Chipper? If so,
what's the over/under on how many Hooters waitresses J.D. knocks up
this season?
ED: From here it gets sad and
pathetic like reading a Primer thread about being the cool guys in the
Math Club.
BB: It's all about convincing
yourself the most attractive girl in the Math Club is decent looking.
It takes three weeks. Four, tops.
ED: And then another 6 weeks for a
math club guy to actually, you know, get up the nerve to TALK to the
most attractive girl in Math Club. But the Math Club guys are NEVER
afraid to call out Rippa. Oh yeah. That makes me happy.
PR: Bah! I could have had Jessica
if I tried. The Math Club guys can kiss my Mu Alpha Theta ass. Stupid
equilateral triangles.
PR: OH! also Barbara Walters and
Bruce Smith and Bill Simmons and.. oh, we are done with that.
ED: Oh, we could write a book
on that, I'm guessing.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES
2003 Record –
75-87
Key
Additions: Raul Mondesi, Jose Mesa, Daryle Ward, Juan Acevado, Chris
Stynes, Orlando Merced, Randall Simon, Rick Reed
Key
Losses: Jose Hernandez, Pokey Reese, Jeff D'Amico, Matt Stairs, Reggie
Sanders, Pat Mahomes, Julian Taverez, and eventually Jason Kendall
ED: I was not even aware that the
Pirates took fourth last year. Gee, how could I have NOT paid any
attention to the mighty Reds-Pirates-Brewers race for last?
PR: Oh yeah, I remember how the
first couple weeks of the season they were playing decent ball and
everyone was like "OH!!!! SMALL MARKET POWER!!!!" That didn't last
long.
ED: The first couple of weeks of
the season they were playing the Reds and Reggie Sanders was leading
the free world in home runs. That doesn't exactly count.
PR: Like the Tuffy Rhodes 3-HR
game? Poor little gaijin.
ED: Wow...Umm. The Pirates rolled
to a fourth place finish despite fire-selling a Central title to the
Cubs and their only known player to the Padres. Or is that that the
Pirates rolled to a fourth place finish BECAUSE they fire-sold a
Central title to the Cubs and their only known player to the Padres?
PR: Aww... Jason Kendall resurrects
his career and you dump all over him Ed. What did he ever do to you?
What?
ED: That gruesome ankle injury that
ESPN kept replaying, for one.
PR: I have fantasy bitterness
towards Kendall. And his Theisman so got trumped by Geoff Jenkins
Theisman.
ED: Moises Alou owns them
both in terms of gruesome Theisman's.
ED: Whatever. Point is; the Pirates
are starting over - AGAIN. Pirate fans will stay away in droves -
AGAIN. But can the Buccaroos take fourth - AGAIN?
PR: Pittsburgh truly hates their
fans. "Thanks for the new stadium. Now bend over please."
ED: Are we talking about the
Pirates or the Steelers?
BB: Raul Mondesi is such a perfect
comp for Derek Bell. It saddens me that no one's heard anything from
Derek Bell since Operation Shutdown. Essentially, the Pirates saw that
they got some potentially decent talent out of the mediocre veterans
they traded away last year; so, this year, they signed an entire team
full of them, blocking out the talent they got. Oh well. The NRI List
for the Pirates is downright scary. I wonder how these guys are going
to make the 40 man roster that the 8 guys who got picked in the Rule V
draft couldn't crack. Poor little franchise.
BB: Is everyone off the Kris Benson
bandwagon yet? Do you think he has that Penthouse interview posted up
in his locker? How many copies of it? Seven? That seems about right.
ED: At what point do you consider
doing a Penthouse interview a good thing? I realize Kris Benson is
certainly not celebrity enough to do a Playboy interview
but...Penthouse? A Penthouse interview has all the cachet of having
your own show on the UPN. Did he get to go to the Penthouse mansion and
hang out with the plasticy, syphilitic stippers? Couldn't he just have
hung out with Mo Vaughn for that? Yeesh! I'm just saying that if Benson
really wanted to appear in a skin mag, it would've been a more
reputable move for him to send a picture into Hustler's Beaver Hunt.
PR: I am positive that Benson will
start over the season 3-0 with a sub 3 ERA and WHIP in the aughts and I
will grab him off the waiver wire and then spend the rest of the season
trying to unload him on Ed as his stats go South. "He is going to get
traded to Seattle and minute now. Safeco~!" I will then follow it up
with my usual April pick up of Salomon Torres. I have no idea how I
have won our league – TWICE!
ED: I will actually trade for
Benson with two weeks of the Reds and Brewers ahead for him on the
schedule at which point he will Dravecky on a pitch to Ken Griffey Jr.,
making Jr. tear every muscle in his body while recoiling from the
shock. ESPN will show it all 700 times a day.
ED: That's not a completely
terrible rotation in Wells, Fogg, Benson, Perez. Maybe. Probably not.
PR: They should also be able to
squeeze four or five starts out of Rick Reed. God, I am sure Pujols is
licking his lips at the thought of facing Reed. So many home runs.
ED: Yeah, they should really weigh
playing in the NL Central in the same way they weigh the stats of
Rockies.
ED: But on paper, anyway... of
course you have to score runs to win and ...well...hmm. Operation
Shutdown is apparently like Legionnaires Disease that the Pirates have
yet to rid from the clubhouse - or at least the bat racks. The Pirates
best bet is that one of Posada, Varitek, or any Molina goes down so
they can FINALLY move Jason Kendall for something. Of course, the
Pirates also have to hope that Raul Mondesi decides to hang out with
Derek Bell too.
BB: Aww…it pleases me to no end
that we both thought of that independently. I think. Perez is going to
be an ace until McClendon works his arm off. And then he will be a
perfectly acceptable middle reliever, which, let's face it, the Pirates
would be happy with, too.
PR: We all know though that we look
forward to the one Pirates game on ESPN2 where Harold Reynolds will
state that the real reason Pittsburgh got Mondesi is for the ARM~!
There is something truly special about a team that fields both Mondesi
and Randall Simon at the same time.
ED: There's some hope, offensively,
I guess - Craig Wilson SHOULD get enough AB's to be productive. The OF
kiddiecorps looks fine, in Bay, Redman and Davis, here's hoping the
Pirates learn from past mistakes and have no desire to rush them. The
Sanchez/Hill monster at second is like the proverbial flipped bird to
all fantasy players who took a long shot on one of/both of them in the
late-rounds last season. There's maybe enough in Pittsburgh to take
fourth again and possibly put a scare into the Cards for third. But it
won't be pretty. Then again, what is pretty in Pittsburgh?
BB: Ah Ed, you are naïve. None
of those guys will get any PT – do they have any VP? Of course not. 65
wins, a lot of veterans, some mediocre prospects at the trading
deadline, Pittsburgh votes to raze the baseball and hockey stadiums and
put casinos in instead in October. Contraction is underrated.
PR: Jason Bay has TRAP~! written
all over him. He still hasn’t recovered from shoulder surgery so he is
starting the season the on the DL and I so don’t think he is going to
shake that all season long. The upside would be Craig Wilson would be
in the OF but the downside is that Randall Simon is still starting at
first.
PR: Have no fear. Mike Williams is
primed to be signed and traded again (Yes, I am trying to cram that
joke into as many places a possible. I am old and need to be
entertained. Leave me alone.)
Cincinnati Reds
2003 Record –
69-93
Key
Additions: Cory Lidle, Aaron Myette, Jesus Sanchez, John Vander Wal in
a Jon Lieber kinda way.
Key Losses: Chris Retisma, Ryan Dempster, Russell Branyan, Luke
Prokopec
PR: Full disclosure alert: Ed is
burdened with living in Reds country. Feel the bile building.
ED: Yeah, I should have
gotten that out of the way, but I assumed it was obvious. Oh
right, my Sean Casey LOATHING makes it look like I'm an outsider.
Gotcha. Stupid Ohio.
ED: The Reds won the World Series
last year wit...What? The Reds DIDN'T win the World Series last year?
But-but...The PLAN according to Jim Bowden and Carl Linder, as
seemingly-coauthored by Underwear Gnomes, was:
1) Get a new stadium
-
-
-
5) Win the World Series in 2003.
Hmm, maybe that gap between one and
five was where Jim Bowden went wrong and his downfall was NOT the
result of some great Oliver Stone-esque conspiracy that the man with
the Ray Knight hair insists upon? Maybe - MAYBE - the Reds inability
to, I don't know draft and develop pitching was the great downfall of
the Summer of the Great American Park? Naw, it ALL had to be the fault
of a Big Market conspiracy.
BB: This is your baby and I really
can't add anything to it.
ED: Well, the Reds got their new
park and bottomed out as low as you can go without being the Detroit
Tigers. Jim Bowden's reliance on experimenting retread/done pitchers
finally fell completely flat and seemingly everyone who ever wore a
Reds uniform got hurt - SEE! THAT was Aaron Boone's problem! Not the
Hoops! The Schottzie Curse! Rub some dog hair on it and it will be OK!
Anyway, the Reds finally faced facts and cut payroll and management
(HOO-HAH!) and anything and everything else they could. The future
begins now, they say. And the future?
BB: Well, at least Aaron Boone was
white. He had that going for him under Schottzie.
ED: I could've lived the rest of my
life without ever reading the words "He had that going for him under
Schottzie," thank you.
BB: And did Don Gullett ever
actually rehabilitate anyone besides Pete Harnisch? Who actually
started games for the Reds over the last five years? For all I know –
it was Pete Harnisch and four pitching machines, who just needed to
make a couple of tweaks in their delivery and they could be twenty game
winners. Awww.
ED: Gullet got a career year out of
Mets retread Pete Schourek about 6-7 years ago. Then...umm...well,
Jimmy Haynes resembled a major league pitcher a couple of years ago.
Oh, and he got Mark Wohlers to resemble something so the Reds could
move him to the Yankees. Otherwise...no.
PR: The Jose Rijo experiment still
baffles me. I am thinking it this is some sort of Minnie Minoso deal
where Rijo will make one appearence a season for eternity. You don’t
see Atlee Hammaker or John Candelaria still out there, do you?
ED: C'mon, it's the only time
the Reds have had an ex-Yankees that wasn't complete crap. The
Reds are thusly obligated to trot him out until he dies just to keep
the small market fans happy. God I hate Ohio.
ED: Dunn and Kearns
and...umm...hmm. Well, a middle infield of Jimenez and Lopez SHOULD be
the middle infield of the Reds immediate future if Dave Miley has any
more managerial acumen than Bob Boone - which is a given if Dave Miley
hasn't been lobotomized recently. Giving Brandon Larson and Jason LaRue
fair shots at regular jobs with no Boone yo-yo deals would be a
positive step as well. That's the good stuff. The
bad...is...soooooo...very...very...bad.
PR: I heart Adam Dunn and it’s a
shame that my two favorite players in the bigs (Dunn and Nick Johnson)
are made of porcelain. Funnily, I think the Reds best move this
offseason was taking a flier on Vander Wal. Sure the man can't keep
from crippling himself with a shovel but if he can keep to his rehab
schedule, I like him as late season 4th Outfielder. Of course, the Reds
always managed to have 19 outfielders.
ED: It's sad that TOOLS GOD~! Wily
Mo Pena may actually be the Reds best alternative in CF when Griffey
next fractures an eyelid. Of course, it's sad that the Reds bother with
TOOLS GOD~! Wily Mo Pena but...well...these ARE the Reds.
ED: Ideally, the Reds somehow need
to make Out-Making Sean Casey and his inflated contract the problem of
some other team that needs a Scrappy White Good-Guy of Sports Radio Wet
Dreams - and hope for some early wins so Danny Graves can rack up some
cheap saves to entice a sucker team to take on an overpaid and
overrated closer.
BB: You mean like the A's? The
Beane backlash begins this year. Just a hunch.
ED: Of course, ideally, the Reds
need to keep Ken Griffey, Jr. duct taped together long enough sucker
another team into a trade for Mr. China Doll, but at this point the
chances of that are slimmer than Marge Schott's chances of getting into
heaven.
BB: The Yankees will have Griffey
by June; the Reds will get Kenny Lofton in return. Kenny Lofton will
sell 18 tickets to an Indians-Reds interleague game. Life will be good
in the middle of this great country.
PR: Bill, if this trade happens, I
will send you a $100. I mean, I have a ton riding on Griffey being
healthy and productive the entire season. But I still would prefer
crippled Junior on the Yankees than Kenny "Wheels" Lofton.
ED: I'd just like to take a moment
to tell you both how much I hate you.
ED: The starting staff is to be
anchored by Wilson, Lidle and Harang, with open auditions for "Praise
Jesus" Brandon Claussen, creeping-cruddy Jimmy Haynes and any fan with
a lucky ticket on the "Pitch For The Reds" nights. Why the Reds are
insistent on keeping Chris Reitsma stuck in the pen instead of giving
him a shot at the rotation is emblematic of the small-mindedness of the
organization.
PR: The future doesn't include
Chris Reitsma anymore though. Reitsma did pretty much everything the
Reds asked of him last year but 26 was too old for the Reds so off he
goes to the Braves. I await season long updates from Ed on the fun Ohio
has with the name Jung Bong. Jose Acevado can be a spark, assuming he
is healthy again and that last season wasn't a fluke. I hope Claussen
is great but I will be bitter if he is. Aaron Freakin Boone.
ED: Reitsma may have been the
biggest blunder of the Boone regime - and I know that says a TON. I
expect him to win 20 for the Braves soon enough. Good. Stupid Reds. I
await having to hear WHACKY~! RADIO DJ'S play "One Toke Over The Line"
when/if Bong ever does anything in a Reds uni. How I have not murdered
by now is beyond me.
PR: I am glad that you weren’t
working for the Postal Service when you got laid off. I really didn’t
look forward to having to answer question from the feds. “No. I have no
idea why he would just take out middle aged white-guys talking about
the Reds, Bengals or Browns.”
ED: Or Ohio State. I LOATHE
me some Ohio State too. Stupid Ohio.
ED: Overall, things shouldn't be as
ugly this year as it was last, but a team with a pitching staff where
the best hope is that none of their few fans sitting in OF seats will
get killed by an opponents' screaming line drive homer is a team that
can only aspire to beat the Brewers. Anything beyond that is gravy.
BB: Oh come on – "Better Odds of
Catching a Baseball In the Bleachers than Any Other non-Coors Ballpark"
is a perfectly acceptable marketing plan. Did you know the ballpark's
only a year old?
Milwaukee Brewers
2003 Record –
68-94
Key
Additions: Junior Spivey, Lyle Overbay, Craig Counsell, Travis Phelps,
Wes Helms, Ben Grieve, Adrian Hernandez, Victor Santos, Dave Burba,
Gary Bennett, Chad Moeller
Key
Losses: Richie Sexson, Royce Clayton, Glendon Rusch, Eddie Perez, Todd
Richie, John Vander Wal
ED: Mmm, sausage races. I am of
German descent. I always put my money on the Bratwurst. I am biased, I
know. But I in no way had any part in Randall Simon taking out the
Italian Sausage last year. I swear.
BB: I remember I was in Toronto
watching the Red Sox play the Blue Jays and, drunk as Dan Shaughnessy,
I got back to my hotel, turned on the TV, and saw someone freaking out
on TSN about Randall Simon attacking a girl dressed up like sausage. I
think I vomited out of mere confusion.
ED: Let's face it, the Brewers fans
would have more fun if Randall Simon just started beating Brewers at
random with a bat. This is not only a bad, but a boring organization. I
mean, if you're going to be bad anyway go balls out and, I don't know,
hire Kenny Williams as your GM. Maybe even hire Tim Johnson as your
manager and have a Viet Nam Vets night. Anything! Anything at all, just
as long as it's not bad AND boring.
BB: Bad AND Boring is basically the
mantra for this entire division. The Cubs are going to win. If not, the
Astros are. The Cardinals will finish 3rd. No one else is even remotely
important or relevant to the discussion of 2004. I don't even think the
players should get service time for being schedule filler.
PR: The fact that both of you
ignore YOUR OLYMPIC HERO, Ben Sheets, fills me with shame as a baseball
fan.
ED: C'mon, he's a Brewer's pitcher.
Who can name a Brewers pitcher since Teddy Higuera?
PR: I wonder what Jim Abbott and
Shawn Abner are up to.
ED: I'm guessing they're not arm
wrestling. Oh yeah, there's some extra Hell time.
PR: This is the Brewers rotation
starting the season – Sheets, Matt Kinney, Chris Capuano, Wayne
Franklin and Wes Obermueller. I am willing to wager money that not even
Momma Capuano could pick her son out of that lineup.
ED: Why, did Mama Capuano poke her
eyes out rather than look at the Brewers too?
ED: Well, there actually is some
talent in Brewers minor league system for the first time since...Awww,
who cares? Point is the Brewers best bet is to make Junior Spivey a
Yankee and hold out for '05 when the talent starts coming through. Be
brave, mighty Brewers fan.
PR: Well, Lyle Overbay still has a
chance to prove that he is going to be a player in this league. It's
not his fault the Diamondbacks fell in love with Richie Sexson's
freakish size. And Wes Helms is finally getting a chance to be an
everyday player... that might not be a good thing. And their Rookie of
the Year.... is only a year older than me. And Geoff Jenkins is about
my age – though my knees are in better shape.... barely.
BB: Corey Hart comes soon; and,
with it, millions of jokes. I await Corey Hart Sunglasses Night.
ED: You're not even old enough to
make that joke, bub! Get the hell offa my lawn!
PR: I also love the reports that
Prince Fielder is just like his daddy in his inability to not try to
crush the ball 600 feet which each swing.
ED: So many inabilities when it
comes to the Fielders and you pick swinging at the fences?
PR: I have already stated how
freakin old I am several times. I wasn’t about to start talking about
how I saw Prince Fielder for the first time on a MTV Rock N Jock
baseball game. Urge to kill rising.
ED: The Brewers have that effect on
people.