NL EAST
(Listed in
Order of 2003 Finish)
BB:
Bill Barnwell
ED:
Ed Agner
PR:
Phil Rippa
ATLANTA BRAVES
2003 Record –
101-61 (Lost in ALDS)
Key
Additions: J.D. Drew, Eli Marrero, Gary Matthews Jr., John Thomson,
Eddie Perez, Antonio Alfonseca, Armando Almanza, Russell Branyan, Chris
Reitsma
Key
Losses: Gary Sheffield, Greg Maddux, Vinny Castilla, Javy Lopez, Shane
Reynolds, Roberto Hernandez, Henry Blanco, Kent Mercker, Robert Fick,
Matt Franco, Darren Bragg, Jason Marquis, Ray King, Jung Bong
BB: The Braves really like to keep
their fans entertained; this year, they went out and signed the Weird
Flaw All-Stars: Eli Marrero had cancer, Antonio Alfonseca has twelve
fingers and toes (and how come FOX never showed a close-up of
Alfonseca's hand during the playoffs? Sure - he's sick of it - but I'M
not), J.D. Drew's body is selectively disintegratable, and John
Thomson...John Thomson is just stinky.
PR: That isn’t even including Jaret
Wright who seemed to have salvaged his career last year. That 1997
World Series must seem like it was in a different lifetime for not so
young, not so thin Jaret.
ED: Aww, Jaret Wright. Now there's
a guy no one can feel sorry for.
PR: Who knows what the Braves
starting rotation is going to be like this year? I really feel old now
that not one of this group – Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, John Smoltz or
Steve Avery – is going to be in the starting rotation. I guess Mike
Hampton is back to being a passable starter now. Russ Ortiz REALLY
needs to cut down on the walks. I believe an anagram of John Thomson is
“It’s a trap!”. Reitsma should be a really good pick up though I think
he would be better suited to start than come out of the bullpen.
Horacio Ramirez is a guy I could get deceived into thinking is good
thanks to the absurd run support number I am assuming he is going to
get. And I think we can safely say the Paul Byrd dream is dead.
ED: I've read enough Faulkner and
Flannery O'Connor to know that the American South has a refined
appreciation of the macabre, ugly, foul, wretched, twisted and profane.
So there ya go. I guess that explains why Otis Nixon, Mark Lemke and
Jeff Blauser were fan favorites. Willie McGee really missed the boat.
PR: I am sure the crazed naked Otis
Nixon who is constantly in the news now has a big fan following.
ED: Oh yeah. That's just SCREAMING
for the Dave Chappelle treatment.
BB: The Braves are going to
obviously take a major knock on offense. Even though signing Javy Lopez
for the kind of money he'd want would've been a stupid move, the
options left are Eddie Perez and Johnny Estrada. Eddie Perez's best
skill is being Greg Maddux's personal catcher; this, sadly, is a
problem when Greg Maddux plays for another team. Johnny Estrada,
meanwhile, has a great shot at hitting "I was traded for Kevin
Millwood" this year, no matter where he plays, while pitchers rave that
he "was traded for Kevin freaking Millwood". Estrada is going to hit
.290/.330/.440 this year, get a big 3 year deal from the Braves, and
suck for the next 3 years. Ah, peak years - you don't matter when your
team employs Julio Franco: Age Negotiable.
ED: Are you saying the Orioles made
a stupid move in giving Javy the money he wanted? But-but...I-I ...Aww.
I'll save it for the Orioles bashing. Realize, the Braves are used to
getting nothing from their catcher - Javy was flat-out crap for the 2-3
years previous to his mother of all contract years.
BB: Is there any chance at all Adam
LaRoche will keep the first base job for more than 30 games? Of course
not. I wonder if people would blame Julio Franco's exhaustion death
after playing 120 games on steroids.
PR: The whole Andy Van Slyke hated
Julio Franco because Julio was on the Jesus Juice IS the best story of
spring training and it was missed by everyone. “Tell Andy Van Slyke
he's right – I'm on the best juice there is. I'm juiced up every day,
and the name of my juice is Jesus. ... Next time you talk to him, tell
him the steroid I'm on is Jesus of Nazareth.” Come on! I so would want
Rev. Franco preaching to me than say Rev. Karl Malone. Plus at age 46,
Julio Franco is legitimately old enough to be Ed’s Dad.
ED: I think I'm recognizing an Ed
is Old theme here. Of course, I am old. I am not, however, on the Jesus
Juice. At least not that I know of.
ED: I don't care what LaRoche does,
unless he learns the LaLob from his old man.
PR: Sadly, only Ed, myself, and my
sister understood the Dave LaRoche reference. Man was he lights out in
the mid-70s with Cleveland. Ah, Misty Water Colored Memories.
ED: And I assumed that joke was
only for myself.
BB: I realistically expect Andy
Marte to end up playing 3B by mid-season, with Betemit playing first.
Or - since Bobby Cox loves him some infield defense - Betemit at 2B and
Marcus Giles at 1B. Ah, I love the Braves.
ED: Mmm... Braves prospects.
Chrispy.
BB: My best guess on the Braves'
final record would be (JDGP * .65), with JDGP being the number of games
J.D. Drew plays in. He's averaged 117 over the past five seasons; that
would be 75 wins, which is unlikely, but plausible. The best kind of
plausibility.
ED: C'mon! The Braves are AMERICA'S
TEAM!!! Or something. OK, all of America hates them as much as they
would a winning Cubs team. I really don't like this make-up of this
team at all. Seventy-five wins really doesn't seem unreasonably, to be
honest. But I hope for the worst for them every year and look what
happens. If the rest of that division wasn't so damned stupid!
PR: Don’t blame the Braves because
they get to reside in the same division as TRADER JACK~!, Omar and the
house that the Wilpons support with smoke, mirrors and paper mache. You
just hate Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. YOU! doctored that photo of
Barbarella and John Kerry. Why must you be hating?
ED: I am trying to visualize what I
could do in a tragicomedic attempt at Photoshop. I somehow doubt I
could make a picture of Young Abe Lincoln and Barbarella look even
remotely life-like. But then, I've yet to see a picture of Young Abe
Lincoln where he looks life-like to begin with. Hmm. Maybe it WAS me?
FLORIDA MARLINS
2003 Record –
91-71(Won World Series)
Key
Additions: Armando Benitez, Darren Oliver, Wil Cordero, Hee Seop Choi
Key
Losses: Ivan Rodriguez, Derrek Lee, Juan Encarnacion, Mark Redman, Rick
Helling, Todd Hollandsworth, Andy Fox, Armando Almanza, Braden Looper,
Vladimir Nunez
BB: I wonder if people would blame
Jack McKeon's heart attack death after 10 games on steroids.
ED: Something I overheard recently
- "They're all on steeeeeroids! And them human growth hearmones! Not
like the EYEN-EFF-ELL! Nosuh! The EYEN-EFF-ELL makes 'em take them
there pee-tests for that stuff." Why does God test me so?
BB: There's a lot to like: they
have a lot of starting pitching, even after trading Mark Redman. Carl
Pavano has a really, really, really great chance to be 2003 Jeff Suppan
2004, assuming the Marlins regress to the mean.
ED: Regression seems the most
plausible situation here. They really strike me as an Angels-esque team
that just caught lightning in a bottle last year and are bound for a
big decline. I give them props for overcoming idiotic ownership and
Jeff Torborg's single-handed attempt to cripple the entire pitching
staff last year. They've got plenty of arms of course and that should
keep them around - unless Darren Oliver DOES get a rotation spot - but
that's not a pretty offense.
PR: Darren Oliver DOES have a
rotation spot. The drop-off from A.J. Burnett to Darren Oliver is
insane but yet that is what the Marlins are actually doing. And I'm
pretty sure you will still see the ugly effects of Team Torborg’s
pitching philosophy. I fear for Josh Beckett as they ask him to top 200
IP this year.
ED: Well, it's not like Jack McKeon
hasn't ate him some arms over the years too. Certainly he's not
Torbogian but you know he dreams of nibbling on Beckett's arm as he
naps away on the bench.
ED: Of course, they'll be helped by
the fact that this isn't a really good division, so I could even see
contention with a .500 team but I wouldn't put money on it. I WOULD put
money on Juan Pierre not putting up a .700 OPS.
BB: The biggest shock of writing
these was finding out that Mike Lowell is Puerto Rican. Mike Lowell?!?
How did that happen?
ED: Well, I knew that, but I am a
sad Clippers fan.
PR: These are words the four
remaining Marlin fans might not want to read. Said Armando Benitez (who
carries the official Veteran Presence seal), after giving up three hits
and two runs in two innings “All of my pitches broke good," said
Benitez. "I don't care if they hit me.” PVC! PVC! PVC!
ED: I hate myself for not making an
Armando joke earlier on. Is this the Armando that the Primer folk
called sucktastic when he was traded to the Yankees or the Benitez that
the Primer folk called the greatest thing with a right arm when the
Yanks moved him to Seattle? I need to know the party line, dang it!
PR: Florida’s lineup does interest
me though... at least for the first 25 games or so when McKeon actually
gives Hee Seop Choi the starting job at first. Mostly, though I have a
morbid curiosity in seeing what the offense can produce. Richie Zisk...
err... Jeff Conine is back for another season.
ED: IIIIIIIIIII saw Richie Zisk.
IIIIIIIIII knew Richie Zisk very well. And Jeff Conine is no Richie
Zisk. You owe Richie Zisk a HUUUUUUUGE apology. Unless we're talking
racquetball. Then it's advantage Conine.
PR: The Fish still have one of the
Alex Gonzalezs (at least their version is the one that made an All-Star
team) and Ramon Castro as everyday catcher might be worth the price of
admission alone. Ladies – just remember to not walk to your car alone.
ED: I still cannot tell the Alex
Gonzalez's apart, much like I cannot tell the NBA teams created from
the late-80's-on apart or the confusion I used to have with the
Carolina Panthers and Jacksonville Jaguars. Really, what's the point
splitting those hairs? I would've been happy to see Castro finally get
the shot at everyday catcher if...well...Innocent until proven guilty.
Or something. Let's move on.
PR: I am most impressed that I
managed to make it through this entire section without flying off into
a diatribe over how Wil Cordero could still keep getting work after
beating his wife. I didn’t know a .333 career On-Base Percentage was
that powerful. And full props to the person whose sponsors Cordero’s
page at baseball-reference.com. I wish I had been smart enough to link
to Support Battered Women. How do you think Joe Randa feels about being
Cordero’s most similar player? Awww.... dammit.... I guess I didn’t
quite make it all the way through.
ED: I now half-expect the Marlins
to now move to Portland and give shots to Bobby Chouinard, Jose Mesa
and Ben Christenson.
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
2003 Record –
86-76
Key
Additions: Billy Wagner, Eric Milton, Tim Worrell, Roberto Hernandez,
Doug Glanville, Shawn Wooten
Key
Losses: Jose Mesa, Dan Plesac, Mike Williams, Turk Wendell, Tyler
Houston, Brandon Duckworth, Aaron Myette, Terry Adams, Valerio De Los
Santos
BB: The Doug Glanville signing
might ruin the Phillies; I can see Marlon Byrd tweaking a hamstring,
Glanville hitting .290/.320/.360, and stealing Byrd's job for VP
reasons. Hey - it's great that you like to play EverQuest, Doug; just
because you managed to make it out of your parent’s basement does not
mean you should get playing time.
ED: I can see Doug Glanville
dropping a multisyllabic word around Bowa and getting banned from the
Phillies dugout.
BB: I also want to see someone film
Doug Glanville and Curt Schilling at a D&D Convention or something.
That would be fantastic.
ED: This. Must. Happen.
PR: Like the Web Cam of Schilling
chatting on Sons of Sam Horn won’t be shown at every Red Sox home game
instead of Cowboy UP!
ED: This. I.
NEVER-EVER-EVER-EVER-EVER. Want. To. See.
PR: Over the last few years, the
decision was made that the Phillies would acquire every able bodied
closer who has ever recorded a save in MLB history. Did Jose Mesa’s
meltdown really scar them that much? Come on, Steve Bedrosian now is
better than Roberto Hernandez. Ron Reed? Jack Baldschun? Al Holland is
only 54. Are you telling me no one in the front office has his phone
number?
ED: C'mon, Dallas Green is RIGHT
THERE in the front office. He could close. Maybe Pulsipher,
Isringhausen, Bobby Jones and Paul Wilson can bum rush Kerrigan for the
pitching coach job and get their revenge.
BB: The Phillies will be scary good
if they can get anything out of Bud Smith; yeah, you remember him -
no-hitter a couple of years ago, lefty, Zito without the flashy curve
or an extra K/9. If he’s healthy, the Phillies won’t have to worry
about replacing Millwood next year.
ED: I pray for anyone who has to
pitch for Larry Bowa.
PR: Well the injury bug is already
hitting. Jim Thome may or may not be ready for opening day due to his
broken finger.
ED: I figure Pat Burrell will now
go until Memorial Day until he first homers with Dallas and Schmidt and
Bowa on his back about needing to pick up the slack.
PR: Billy Wagner already tweaked
himself (I am guessing the awesome PVC presence of Tim Worrell AND
Roberto Hernandez have caused Wagner to start overthrowing).
ED: Billy Wagner getting hurt is
like a passage of spring by now, isn't it? Obviously the pressure of
having Hernandez and Worrell around was too much for him. I bet the
Phillies really miss Joe Table now. Or. Not.
PR: Kevin Millwood threw a
no-hitter, signed a fat contract and bruised his shoulder.
ED: NO HITTERS ARE
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah.
PR: Todd Pratt’s crippled and while
I love Eric Milton - he isn’t the healthiest person to step out onto
the diamond. Then there is David Bell. Bell is still recovering from
his shoulder injury in 2003 and normally you would say “Hey, David
Bell. I like it when he visits Dr. James Andrews.” But the choices at
third without Bell are Placido Polanco, Tomas Perez and Shawn Wooten.
Yup, Shawn Wooten.
ED: Well, David Bell getting hurt
SHOULD be a good thing in that it SHOULD get Chase Utley AB's. Of
course, Utley fields like me so...you KNOW Bowa won't be able to hack a
guy who can't save the team 3 billion runs with his glove. Hey, didn't
the Phillies used to have a really good 3rd baseman a couple of years
ago?
BB: There's no reason this team
shouldn't win the division, except for the fact that they have Larry
Bowa managing them. The earlier Bowa gets fired, the more likely the
Phillies are to go places.
ED: Agreed. I'll reluctantly pick
the Phils here. I can see them completely collapsing or running
roughshod over the league only to get knocked out by the Wild Card team
in the first round of the playoffs. I want to like the Phils. I really
do. But more than anything, I just want to see Bowa spontaneously
combust in the dugout. I assume Pat Burrell wants to see the same -
unless Mike Schmidt is next in line for the managerial position.
PR: The best part of the early
season Phillies/Yankees game (besides John Kruk mocking Harold
Reynolds) was learning that the Phillies have a bunch of Bowa
successors lined up on the payroll. Schmidt is one. BOB BOONE is the
other one. I would feel bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I hate
Philadelphia.
ED: I heard that and thought, "My
God, the Phillies hate to not suck." I think that's pretty much an
organizational mantra, really.
MONTREAL EXPOS
2003 Record –
83-79
Key
Additions: Nick Johnson, Tony Batista, Carl Everett, Juan Rivera, Pat
Mahomes, Gregg Zaun
Key
Losses: Vladimir Guerrero, Javier Vazquez, Michael Barrett, Orlando
Hernandez, Fernando Tatis, Todd Zeile, Wil Cordero, Scott Stewart, Jose
Macias, Britt Reames, Hector Almonte
PR: Seriously, look at the Losses
list. I mean, yeah, they didn’t keep Vlad or Vazquez. But anyone who
tells you that the Expos would be better off with any of those other
guys is either a fool or Todd Zeile’s Mom.
ED: I think you just made Mama
Zeile cry.
BB: I want to see Tony Batista
threaten to fight Nick Johnson if he doesn't start making some more
outs.
PR: I am still trying to wrap my
head around Batista’s .270 OBP last year.
ED: Oh yeah. I can see Juan Rivera
joining Batista's posse VERY EARLY on.
PR: I more see Nick confusing the
hell out of Carl Everett.
ED: "See, Carl. We get the whole
concept of the walk from dinosaurs who...What? No, Carl!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! My wrist! My wrist!"
BB: I want to see Omar Minaya
justify trading Jose Vidro to the Red Sox in June.
PR: So that’s where Trot Nixon will
end up.
ED: You think Big Stein would just
turn around and recite Henry's tirade about then A-Rod deal verbatim?
BB: I want to see Joe Vitiello get
300 at-bats for this team and I want to see the Jayson Stark article on
how he should be the MVP for keeping them in the Wild Card race.
ED: I would be content if Randy
Choate just got some regular work out of a major league pen.
PR: He is probably going to get it
now in Arizona. Heck, he might have to make appearances in all 162
games considering the health of the rest of that pen – but that is for
another section.
ED: You, as a Yankee fan, should
know Bob Brenly will not do anything remotely intelligent.
BB: I never ever want to see that
photo of Jayson Stark without his moustache ever again. Somewhere,
there is a guy with a flannel shirt and stupid moustache who needs to
give them back.
ED: Hmm, Spiezio went to Seattle.
He had a funky moustache. Lord knows he has to have flannel to live up
there. Hmm.
PR: Well Nick Johnson will get the
chance to justify my love. He does get the benefit of those games in
the world that would be Monterrey. Then the Expos will end up in
Portland I will have to buy my third Johnson jersey.
ED: Haven't we learned enough from
the NBA about the dangers of a franchise in Portland?
NEW YORK METS
2003 Record –
66-95
Key
Additions: Kazuo Matsui, Mike Cameron, Braden Looper, Karim Garcia,
Todd Zeile, Shane Spencer, Scott Erickson, Ricky Bottalico, James
Baldwin, Randy Keisler, Ricky Gutierrez
Key
Losses: Tony Clark, Tsuyoshi Shinjo, Timo Perez
BB: The funny thing about the Mets
is their complete denial of where they are in the status of building
their team. Instead of completely trying to cut bait and build with
their farm system, they keep thinking that one more free agent signing
is going to suddenly give them the veteran presence they need to win 28
more games.
ED: See, to me, the Mets are one of
the most interesting organizations in baseball. Oh no, not to watch -
this is a horrid team. But to just observe them from the outside, the
Mets are endlessly entertaining. Bad GM's making a slew of trades
hoping one of them somehow won't suck - man, that's entertainment.
PR: They have already had an
entertaining spring training. First it’s the “We might be getting
Soriano. He’s NY TOUGH!” Mike Piazza was sorta moving to first base
(and got hurt in the process). Then Shane Spencer and Karim Garcia
decide that they need to jack a pizza delivery guy. Seriously, how much
cash did they think Chris Wylde was carrying, anyway?
ED: I cannot attest to Garcia and
Spencer as human beings. I CAN attest to those two being an ideal
platoon duo that a team that's somewhat in contention should've picked
up this offseason. I mean, the Cards are talking about Kerry Robinson
as a starting LFer. Spencer seems white enough for LaRussa.
BB: And it's not going to happen,
no matter how good Mike Cameron is. I really, really cannot wait for
his 100th strikeout with runners in scoring position, followed by fans
throwing knives at him. I also cannot wait to be in a Shea Stadium
bathroom in May and hear people talking about how good Hideki is doing
at shortstop. Ah, the Mets. You are so pretty.
ED: Roger Cedeno sheds a tear.
PR: This team is going to be the
poster boy for Veteran Presence. I mean James Baldwin, Bitter Todd
Zeile, SCOTT ERICKSON?!?!?!?!?! I am thinking the Erickson signing was
a ruse just to get Lisa Guerrero to visit the clubhouse... which is
wrong a variety of levels.
ED: As long as Scott Erickson has a
job, I will be able to hear one of my favorite things of summer,
Gammons reciting his favorite line - "Scott Erickson brings no hit
stuff to the mound every night." Poor little Peter Meltingface doesn't
know that NO HITTERS ARE CRAP!!!!!!
BB: I think the ace of the Mets
staff this year will be Jae Seo. 9-12 with a 3.82 ERA last year, and a
2.4 K/BB ratio. He we...what? David Cone pitched for the Mets last
year? When did this happen? Who was in char...oh – Steve Phillips.
Right. And for a second, I thought ESPN's stats page would lie to me.
I'm a bad man.
PR: Tom Glavine sure wasn’t afraid
to fall out of favor with everyone in a hurry. Glavine, Al Leiter and
Steve Trachsel are the whitest front three in the majors right now. How
has this team not acquired Jamie Moyer yet?
ED: It's like the Mets want to be
the Mavericks or something. Well, they played defense at that level,
anyway.
ED: Looking over their roster
now...Eww. For some reason my eyes keep going straight to Grant Roberts
name. Really, why don't the Mets just have fun with their suck and...I
don't know, have Rastafarian Night with a Grant Roberts
bobblehead/water bong? Oh screw the kids! No good parent would take
their kid to a Mets game anyway.
PR: There was an Orber Moreno on
the 40 man roster for awhile. You know they are getting desperate in
their attempts to be like the 84 Yanks when they have guys who old
folks might actually confuse for Omar Moreno’s son (if not Omar Moreno
himself).
ED: It was a typo. It was UBER
Moreno. He's like Omar but with more stolen bases and less OBP.
BB: My favorite drug quote, so far,
is probably Cliff Floyd on ephedra: "It was amazing; you were alert and
you need that for 162. Fans would boo you and you wouldn't hear it. You
were locked in." Somewhere, Gary Bell smiled.
PR: Don’t forget that Floyd made
sure he pointed out that he followed the recommended dosage when taking
ephedra. (One pill a day for those of you playing at home).
ED: You know Keith Hernandez
tsk-tsks that.
PR: I am sure there is a Ralph
Kiner joke that should be inserted here that we are all missing.
ED: I dunno. I was just happy to
get to the Keith Hernandez joke first.
ED: So far my favorite quote of the
Spring comes from a Mets-Dodgers game where it was said that Todd Zeile
was brought in for Mike Piazza to have a shoulder to cry on. I imagined
an army of baseball geeks chucking like Beavis and Butthead over that.