AFC EAST
Teams listed in Order of 2003 Finish

BB: Bill Barnwell
ED: Ed Agner
PR: Phil Rippa

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
(2003 Record: 14-2, Won Super Bowl)

Key Additions: Corey Dillon, Terrell Buckley, Keith Traylor, Rodney Bailey, Josh Miller, Jeff Burris, Bob Hallen, Zeron Flemister, J.J. Stokes… or not, same deal with Kurt Kittner and Otis Smith and Dana Stubblefield, and after much chain jerking, Jim Miller
Key Losses: Ted Washington, Antowain Smith, Damien Woody, Damon Huard, Dedric Ward, Chris Akins, Mike Compton, Fred Baxter, Fred McCrary, J.J. Stokes, Kurt Kittner, Otis Smith… aww.. he lasted two months.

PR: Oh we are Boston. We are such a tortured city. Everyone pity us. Sure we have a million championships in basketball. Yeah our football team won two of the last three Super Bowls. But they were only on last second field goals. They suck. The Red Sox haven't won since 1918. What about us?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT THE RED SOX?!?!?!?!?! Err… sorry. I really have zero clue where that came from. Oh yeah, one would think that there would be far less bemoaning from a city with two recent Super Bowl titles. I must be missing something. Bill?

BB: No one actually LIKES the Patriots – I mean, they have their fans because they won Super Bowls but…they are an excuse to say mean things about the Yankees during riots. Mmmm…riots.

ED: It's because the Patriots can't FIELD~! Right? I am so not up to the latest Boston trends these days.

PR: The Pats had a really weird offseason in that they signed a bunch of FAs who managed to last about two months on the squad. Kurt Kittner is the future at QB… or not. Jim Miller is the now at QB… or not. I am not sure if Jim Miller even knows if he is on the team. JJ Stokes can catch some footballs… not at all. Otis Smith can… yeah, I am not going to even try. Then there was Dana Stubblefield who instead is just crippled and done for the season.

ED: Well, the Pats had like 8 million draft picks too. And as much as I am not on the Patriots bandwagon, you can't question their ability to get good talent in the draft and make the most of it. Bill Bellichick spits in the face of VETERAN PRESENCE~! Kinda.

BB: He just alternates between POISE BEYOND YEARS and VETERAN PRESENCE very well.

PR: New England should be everyone's pick to repeat in the AFC but nowadays no one wants to pick the defending Super Bowl champ. It's not hip and cool to pick someone who didn't go 6-10 the prior year. Am I the only one who noticed that the Patriots most glaring weakness – other than Bill Belichick's fashion sense - was the ability to run the ball? They got themselves Corey Dillon. I mean Dillon rushed for 8000 yards and 45 TDs along with over 1400 receiving yards for a city and team that he hated. I am thinking that playing for a team and city that suits him will probably not cause a drop off in production. And his groin is right.

BB: You can never assume that your groin is right until you know your groin is right and I'm not sure if I trust Corey Dillon to know.

ED: My Patriots...I hesitate to use the word hate in my advanced age but...OK....hate works...my lack of Patriots love should bother me since, deep-down, this is a team that employs a dumbed-down version of the West Coast offense. And I am a mark for the West Coast offense ever since the Raiders used that to get into the Super Bowl a couple of years ago. ("Misty water-colored memories...") Yes. I am. I am also an idiot. Sue me. OK., so we're not allowed to use the term "West Coast offense" anymore much like we're not allowed to use the term "Run and Shoot." So be it. Whatever you want to call it, the Pats use a dink and dunk passing offense - which some may say greatly impersonates a typical West Coast offense. It works for the Pats, obviously, and that probably makes Bill Walsh feel even smugger about his genius. People - and by people I mean supposed human life forms in Phil Simms and Peter King - call Charlie Weiss an offensive genius because of this offense but all Weiss has done is take the West Coast model, modify it enough according to his personnel and ran with it without using the term "West Coast offense." Facts are facts though, the model for success the past 3 years has been Tom Brady cast in the role of a weak-armed, heady and nimble QB perfect for the West Coast short passing offense (a la a Joe Montana or, more-aptly, the lesser version - Rich Gannon), a buttload of WR's who can only get down field in 10 yards or less patterns and no discernable running game to bother with - sounds exactly like the '02 Raiders offense. The lack of any kind of deep threat is what throws people off, I guess - well, that and the low point and yardage totals. But the Pats and the modified West Coast offense are proof you CAN get by in the world without playing smashmouth football. And I'm certain that makes Bill Parcell's clutch his heart a time or two extra. Of course, the Pats stole Dillon from the Bengals and no one could move the ball in the preseason. And while I'm certain this gives impetus for Bellichick to scrap the thing that isn't the West Coast offense in favor of smashmouth football via running Dillon 80 times a game, people should bear in mind that: A) you can never read too much into the preseason; B) the West Coast offense - and offenses we dare not call "West Coast offense" - takes time to get fine-tuned, bringing about bad pre-seasons and shaky early-seasons; and C) running Cory Dillon down anyone's throat at this stage in his career may not be the most advisable thing. But it will all work out for the Pats. And I'll be tempted to kick out a TV screen or two in the process. Of course, I might just be saying all that in an attempt to jinx them. Who can be sure?

PR: That probably might be the best thing for the Pats too – thanks to the comical stupidness off all the teams with head coaching vancancies, both Weis and Romeo Crennel are still coaching on this team. Crennel not getting a gig is beneficial for everyone who isn't Romeo as the Patriots defense will still be great and the rest of the league won't have a Crennel lead team smacking them around. Oh, Pepper Johnson being the defensive line coach still makes me giggle but I am getting off message.

PR: Maybe everyone is freaked out because Bill Belichick is doing everything in his power to get Ty Law to go on a killing spree. Yeah, I remember how angry Lawyer Milloy was. Boy, that Week 1 loss to the Bills really torpedoed the Pats season.

BB: Yeah, Rodney Harrison really didn't work out. Whoops. Dumb media.

ED: Well, if I was a Pats fan - and I'd rather spend eternity in the Hell that is the Collinsworth-Buck-Aikman announcing booth than root for the Patriots - I'd be worried more about the loss of Woody and Compton on the O-line than Bellichick's messing with Law. And if I WAS worried about Ty Law, my concern would be about how the NFL has made him and his defensive muggings Public Enemy #1. But if Ty Law really wants to go on a shooting spree, might I suggest he start with Tom Brady? Ahh, one can dream.

PR: In theory, the defending Super Bowl champs should get a killer schedule but with the 8 divisions and the schedules pretty much determined now till the end of time, the Pats pretty much look like a lock to at least 11-5 (toughest game – the season opening Thursday game against Indy, a road game against St. Louis and a home game against Baltimore. Yes, I am disrespecting Kansas City and their comical defense). After that – the playoffs are a crap shoot so when they lose to the MIGHTY JAGUARS~! or something, everyone in a 200 mile radius can bitch about their lots in life.

BB: If Boston didn't exist to bitch, they'd take over the world in a liberal spree. So I'd be careful what you wish for old man.

ED: Curt Schilling calls them all gutless for not going on the liberal spree anyway. OK. Wrong team, wrong sport. But there's ALWAYS room for Schilling jokes.

ED: Remember when the AFC East was a tough division? Naw, I hardly do either. But still, it was always much better than it is now. The only way the Pats don't win the division is if the Red Sox win the World Series and all of New England is up in flames - or Armageddon occurs. Same thing, I guess.

BB: If the Red Sox win the World Series, I can see Foxborough getting set ablaze. I can honestly not see Boston existing. Ah, riots.

PR: I would be willing to accept a Red Sox World Title for the end of Boston. Bill, maybe you should head home during the World Series.

MIAMI DOLPHINS
(2003 Record: 10-6, Missed Playoffs)

Key Additions: David Boston (just in theory), A.J. Feeley, Marty Booker, Terrence Wilkens, Jeno James, Reggie Howard, Chris Akins, John St. Clair, Sammy Morris, Damion McIntosh, John Jones, Artuan Edwards
Key Losses: Ricky Williams, Adewale Ogunleye, Brock Marion, Terrell Buckley, Brian Griese, Jamar Fletcher, James McKnight, Todd Wade, Obafemi Ayanbadejo, David Boston (IR)

PR: Awww… the Miami Dolphins had the worst offseason. So Ricky Williams decided he liked marijuana and he didn't wanna be hit no more. Actually, he decided he liked the marijuana long before this summer but the NFL finally caught up with him as he was looking at a minimum four game suspension and possibly suspension for the entire season. Yeah, I could see Ricky have random cameos on the Chappelle show.

ED: Personally, I see Ricky starting a band with Rohan Marley. JAMMIN'~! Jeez, imagine the posters on the dorm room walls.

BB: I think Rohan Davey would make an excellent bassist.

ED: You think Nate Newton would have enough rhythm to be the drummer?

PR: The Miami Dolphins are right up near the top of the league in terms of drama in the front office too. It was like they decided to follow the example of any number of MLB teams. Oh right – Wayne Huizenga, yeah, all so clear now. Someone finally realized that having Dave Wannstedt to make personal decisions might not be in the best interests of the team. Of course, instead Wannstedt was given a contract extension. Who knew that Larry Bowa and Wannstedt had the same incriminating photos? Let us not forget about Dan Marino though. Marino arrived as the savior, ready to take his smooth announcing skills and transfer them into the GREATEST GM TO NEVER WIN A SUPER BOWL! That dream lasted less than a month.

ED: The real beauty here to me is that you made the joke about Marino's announcing skills that I've been wanting to make. We should really have Marino meet Joe Montana in a bore-off. Winner gets to meet the Al Gore-John Kerry winner.

BB: Joe Montana at least had his "I'm going upstairs…" moment on SNL. Marino…well…there was Ace Ventura. Who knows? Everyone loses.

PR: Ricky is gone and Miami needs to replace him. And that replacement right now is Travis Minor. Ooff… Minor has my favorite nickname of this year. Travis Minus. Poor little lack of yardage. Oh yeah, Minor's backup is Sammy Morris. That is some ugliness. (This isn't taking into account that the Fins are trying to get Lamar Gordon from the Rams.)

ED: And the Fins HAVE gotten Lamar Gordon from the Rams. Anyone think that's gonna help?

ED: What I liked best was that, after Ricky decided that time stops at 4:20, all these trade rumors floated that were more farcical than the usual sports radio fare. (Willis McGahee for a Ricky Williams bobblehead bong!) And when the Fins made a trade...it's for a Bears WR. What, the Bears were THAT attached to Anthony Thomas? If so, why? Maybe I'm mocking the Bears now. So be it. Anyway, what was I trying to say? Oh yeah, I enjoy the Dolphins misery way too much.

BB: I would gladly trade Brendan Willis McGahee if he could get me one that was still in its original packaging.

PR: When you can actually run the football (This is assuming that Dave Wannstedt actually decides to try and eat the clock) you can probably get away with the two-headed QB hydra that is Jay Fielder and A.J. Feeley. You can even ignore trading a second round pick for Feeley. But your 1000 yard back leaves and suddenly the only reason this isn't the ugliest position battle in the history of football is because you have a Minor/Morris backfield. Wait a second… Clint Stoerner is competing for the third spot?!?!?! There has to be some NFL competition committee rule preventing a QB core that bad. I mean they monitor the height of guys socks.

ED: And Fiedler won the starters job out of training camp. IIIIII...don't get it.

ED: Number of whacks in the head with a baseball bat Ricky Ray's agent deserves for talking his client into signing with the Jets instead of Miami, a team he could possibly play for (out of 5): 4.

PR: The Fins big… double meaning fully intended… was for some reason inking David Boston. Boston proceeded to cripple himself for the entire season. Nope, no steroid abuse to see here. None what so ever. I wonder if Boston will move in with Yatil Green. Granted crippled David Boston is about as good as healthy David Boston. Terrence Wilkens became the new new #1 guy and might be wishing he stuck around Peyton's Place (I hate myself.) Then Wilkens was thrown under the bus when the Fins went out and traded for Marty Booker (more on that in a second). The team also became the latest to sign Antonio Freeman so they can discover first hand that he was a Brett Favre creation. (Heck, that happened even quicker than I thought.)

BB: Do you hate Chris Chambers or something?

PR: He's not Mark Duper? I don't know.

ED: I liked the Marty Booker pick-up because I always end up with him in fantasy football where he does nothing for me. Now that he's in Miami I won't be tempted to waste my time with him. I do shed a tear for Chris Chambers though. How soon until he can fly out of that loony bin?

PR: Randy McMichael, at TE, will most likely end up having a huge year since the QBs will only be able to throw it three yards due to the comical lack of time the line will give them… and their noodle arms. Of course, Miami needs to hire a special coach just to keep McMichael from punching any of the cheerleaders, especially the pregnant ones.

ED: I can see "punching pregnant cheerleaders" climbing up on our hit list already. Now, if McMichael could only punch pregnant cheerleaders with a six-fingered fist.

BB: Mmmm….ad reven….oh.

PR: For some reason Miami decided, nope, they refused to pay Adewale Ogunleye any money what so ever. Screw defense. Dave Wannstedt is a GENIUS! So the trade for Marty Booker was made. Now you have pretty boy Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas.

ED: Well, if you're going to be bad, go all-out. And with Urlacher out, is Thomas now the most overrated (READ: white) LB in the league?

PR: Oh, Junior Seau is still around, he just wanted to get too close to Taylor though. He wouldn't want to get that nasty metrosexual on him. Have they signed Bryan Cox for the 19th time yet?

ED: Seau's foot-in-mouth speech where he used the derogatory term for homosexual was the most under-reported and inexcusably passed-on offseason screw-up. People screamed for Matt Millen to be fired for his use of the same term last season. Everyone had a fit when Shockey worked blue in all those interviews before last season. Many a piece of panty went in a bunch when Brock Lesnar tried out his redneck gimmick when trying out for the Vikings. But Seau is a COMMUNITY LEADER~! and everyone let it pass. OK. Fine. Do we exonerate Kerry Collins and Howard Cosell now, too? Should we think it OK if ESPN hired Rush Limbaugh back then? Do we dig up the corpse of Jimmy the Greek and apologize for making him retire in shame? Or are homosexuals lesser people than other minorites and we are just supposed to let lunkhead football people slide on things like that as long as they do a United Way commercial and don't say anything bad about other minorities? I just want to get the whole PC situation straight so I know when to go into mock outrage.

BB: I don't know who half the people you just brought up are.

ED: That's what I thought.

PR: The team also dumped Brock Marion so they could "get younger". I wondered if dumping one of the few productive members of the defense was wise but I suck so the secondary is amazing or something. Sam Madison and Patrick Surtain are still on the corners so you have at least one position that is still solid. Terrell Buckley isn't around to earn the team 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalties when they are least needed so that only is a plus. The one thing the Dolphins might have lucked out on is they could possibly have the steal of the 2004 draft as Will Poole free fell into the fourth round. A DUI doesn't look so bad when your starting TE likes to punch his pregnant wife.

ED: Punching your pregnant wife while driving drunk sounds like a Michael Pittman specialty. And now that I mention him, I can actually see Pittman fitting in well with the Dolphins.

BB: Do they like muscles? Pot? Beating up wives? Michael Pittman will fit right in.

BUFFALO BILLS
(2003 Record: 6-10, Missed Playoffs)

Key Additions: Troy Vincent, Jason Gildon, Chris Villarrial
Key Losses: Antoine Winfield, Sam Gash, Sammy Morris, Ruben Brown, Dave Moore, JP Losman (IR)

PR: Aww… the Bills have already given up on Drew Bledsoe. Too bad the FUTURE~! (JP Losman) broke his leg. Shoot, they will have to keep suffering through that damn Bledsoe fella attempts to play QB. Doug Flutie isn't on the team and Ralph Wilson deserves every single nasty thing that happens to him. Oh yeah – I am fired up now. I might have to cut this short.

ED: I love me some Doug Flutie too, but it's not like the Bills were the first (or last) team to completely screw up on him. Welcome to the NFL - the 21st Century will come in another 50 years. That said, I like Bledsoe well enough. Oh sure, he's not what everyone pimped him to be when he came in the league, but he's been a decent enough QB over the years. It's not his fault that he was overhyped. He is now what he's always been - a big, slow QB who only looks good when he has plenty of protection and decent talent around him. In other words, he's in the wrong place at the wrong time. But at least he's not Rick Mirer.

BB: I'm not sure if you guys noticed or anything but Doug Flutie is SHORT. Like he is basically John Cusack playing quarterback. There's NO WAY he could succeed in the NFL and he's not going to get a chance to try so shut up.

PR: You shut up! Who are you to crush our dreams?!

PR: There is something quite beautiful about Willis McGhee demanding a trade already and the season hasn't even started. I guess Willis hasn't watched the game film and seen how hideous the Offensive line is. Because Lord knows I wouldn't want on the field with them having to open holes.

ED: Well, he does have the bad knee already. Would you want to get behind that line with a surgically repaired knee? Maybe we should ask Bledsoe and Travis Henry that question in October.

PR: When Bledsoe gets crippled I guess Shane Matthews is now the guy. This is fun. At least he gets to make Drew still feel young at heart.

PR: The Wide Receivers are the one thing I like about this team. Eric Moulds, Josh Reed and now Lee Evans will provide lots of excitement and electricity and… umm… rule of three… errr.. elasticity. Grr… Still, as previously mentioned, Bledsoe will be getting a lot of look out blocks in front of him and the WR corps will be fantasy killers. Couldn't happen to a nicer team.

ED: Yeah. Phil had to cut it short or else work blue. Carry on, my wayward son. I'll haul this load. I love Eric Moulds more than a straight man should love another straight man (OH, FANTASY TIP ALERT: Moulds does this great reverse-Saberhagen deal where he's otherworldly in the even-numbered years. Check it out. You'll thank me for it.) and Josh Reed is entering his third (BREAKOUT~!) season where he should turn the corner, enabling those two to carry the passing game while Evans gets to learn a whole bunch. But yeah, when will Bledsoe have the time to throw down field, I don't know. The O-line is everything and...this...line...well...Eww. Tommy Maddox should be looking into selling some insurance here too.

BB: I wish I had read Ed's reverse-Saberhagen tip before we conducted our fantasy draft. I also wish I hadn't drafted Drew Bledsoe. God, I hate football.

ED: What Phil's anger forced him to neglect is the fact that the Bills have a really-really-really nice defense. Number two overall against the pass, number eight overall against the rush last season. Considering they were on the field all of last season, that says a TON. Of course, their inability to get ANY kind of turnover is a part of the reason they were on the field so much last season so...yeah, that's what keeps the Bills D from being great. There's no reason to expect anything different in any respect this season. The defense will be really-really-really nice and will keep the Bills in games, but being on the field for 45 minutes/game will wear too much on them. But at least they're not the Dolphins, I guess.

BB: Ah, replace the pot with fat and it's Buffalo instead of Miami.

NEW YORK JETS
(2003 Record: 6-10, Missed Playoffs)

Key Additions: Justin McCareins, Quincy Carter, Pete Kendall, Reggie Tongue, Mikhael Ricks, Toby Gowin, David Barrett, Eric Barton, Ricky Ray (well only to the practice squad), Terrell Buckley
Key Losses: Dave Szott, Aaron Beasley, Mo Lewis, Sam Garnes, Vinny Testaverde, Curtis Conway, Marvin Jones, Kevin Swayne, Tyrone Carter, Ray Mickens (IR)

ED: In my mind, I've always tied the NY football teams with the NY baseball teams. The Giants and Yankees are a natural connection: same type colors (sorta), played in the same park for a spell, long history of fabled names, a general sort of Republicany-type uptightedness situation. While the Jets and the Mets are the other easy connection: names rhyme, younger teams in town, played in the same park, Tom Seaver = Joe Namath (sorta), the red-headed stepchild of the city, wilder and more willing to take chances usually to pathetic results. There are some big flaws in that thought process, but there are always big thaws in my thought processes. And what this has to do with anything, I don't know, really. But comparing the Mets and the Jets always feels right; no more so that this offseason where the Jets just sorta milled around, teasing that things were going to be drastically better but not really having a clue how to carry out the plan.

PR: Ed's running joke about Ricky Ray becomes a little more entertaining now that the Jets scooped up Quincy Carter to be the backup to Chad Pennington and then relegating Ray to the practice squad. I mean if I am choosing between Carter and Vinny T… Hey, the Cowboys already did! Anyway, Quincy Carter as backup is perfectly acceptable assuming, of course, that Carter can keep his face out of the powder.

ED: Seriously, do the Jets NOT understand that Ricky Ray is better than Q? Does the rest of the NFL not understand that Ricky Ray is better than like 7-8 of the guys who are starting? I'm guessing Ricky must have picked up a funny Canadian accent and confused the scouts at his tryouts or something. Sheez.

ED: Never got the Carter love. Probably never will. Shoot, I don't even know what the difference is between Carter and Shaun King. And somehow I believe I'll see the two square off in an '06 Winnipeg-Edmonton game to further confuse me. That said, I hope Carter and the NFLPA (HAH!) sues the crap out of Dallas. "Couldn't trust him"? BAH! Look Jerry Plasticface, you had Michael Irvin own a dope house right across from the practice field in Big D during the mid-90's when the Cowboys did more drugs than the Rolling Stones and you could trust him not Q? BAH! If you trusted Q to suck before why not trust him to suck again? And why am I wasting all this Dallas hate on the Jets?

BB: Did I already make the Quincy Carter is Shaun King joke elsewhere? I had to. I'm too lazy to make it again. So silly. And the NFLPA – PROTECTING PLAYERS' RIGHTS!!! Cause agents...and the media…and the fans…and the players…they're not enough.

PR: Chad Pennington might actually start a season for once. Of course, he is about to get the enormous contract extension which should be setting off Trap alarms all over the place. Apparent inability to stay healthy, no longer playing for new contract, aww…. poor little Jets. Now, I can in starter for my fantasy squad. I must subliminally hate the Jets. I apologize to Long Island.

ED: I remember sitting there on draft day a few years back screaming at the TV for the Raiders to draft Pennington only to hear the Sebastian Janikowski words. Stupid fricking Chucky!!! I still wish the Raiders had taken Pennington. I don't know if Pennington would be any healthier, all things considered. But I like me some Pennington all the same. If only he had more chances to pass without half the defense on top of him.

BB: Ed, how many field goals has Chad Pennington kicked? Right.

PR: Well, the giant amount of money that Chad is getting had to come from somewhere. It came in the former of completely torching the defense. Actually, it was probably a chicken and egg situation as Herman Edwards became very bitter at folks unwilling to accept his defensive schemes and go to church – okay maybe not that last part. So plenty of big names for Jets fans are gone – Mo Lewis, Aaron Beasley, Marvin Jones, Sam Garnes, Tyrone Carter. The biggest name actually is that Ted Cottrell was finally canned as defensive coordinator. Something had to be done for a defense that ranked only 21st overall and a sad, sad 28th against the run. So Donnie Henderson gets a shot at being Defensive Coordinator, coming over from the Baltimore Ravens. You really want to understand the new look, Jones, Garnes, Carter were two, three and four in tackles for NY last year. So those tackles need to be made up somewhere. (Of course, on the flip side, you know there might be some reasons why your FS is recording almost 100 tackles AND he still hasn't gone on with another team). Swapping Aaron Beasley for Reggie Tongue doesn't exactly make the secondary any younger (both are 31) but you do get weary of seeing Beasley missing tackles every year so a fresh face will be nice. Dumping Mo Lewis WILL make the team younger. Oh yeah, realizing that Mo has been in the league 15 years depressed me for the rest of this preview. So very old.

BB: Yep. Did I mention that I tried to get into a bar last week and got carded and I had to leave?

PR: I hate you.

ED: Me three.

ED: Well, the Jets really needed to rebuild that defense. So at least one team in New York understands the concept of rebuilding. (I try to hurt Phil and Bill because they are well-settled in their Giants love. Or not. Whatever.) Everyone outside of the D-line was ancient and needed a nice little trip to the pasture and/or glue factory. You really can't argue that. Whether the Jets got in the best possible replacements for those spots, you CAN debate.

BB: Do we HAVE to? Does it matter? This team's going 8-8 anyway.

PR: Who are the mystery men filling these gaps? Well, one of them isn't John Lynch. He and Herman Edwards were supposed to be buds but Lynch decided to hang out in the cold with the genius that is Mike Shanahan.

ED: John Lynch is nice and white and all and that makes the fans happy but, umm, he's not really very good any more. Oh, I know he's supposed to bring the Super Bowl back to the land of enormous teeth and all that, but Ronnie Lott had more in the tank when he left San Francisco than Lynch has now.

BB: I for one would rather have Jeff Lynch than John Lynch.

ED: And I would take David Lynch over John Lynch too.

PR: And one of them wasn't Keyshawn Johnson or Terrell Owens.

ED: Well, who really wanted Johnson? Oops. Sorry, Jerry Plasticface. And Owens...well, the Jets couldn't afford Owens to begin with. That's more of a Mets-type tease the fans number where there was no real interest in getting the top-shelf player, just a rumor to run in the press. Owens = Vlad Guerrero?

BB: Did Vlad Guerrero torch one of your fantasy teams or something? That's kinda harsh.

PR: Hey, don't throw me under the bus. Ed is the one with the irrational Vlad hate. Though my Terrell Owens hate is fully justified.

ED: I like Vlad. I meant that as a comment on Owens being a marquee name the Jets threw out there to tease their fans like the Mets did with Vlad this past offseason. But yeah, Vlad >>>> Owens. Just, you know, a metaphor.

PR: And none of them are Antoine Winfield who got freaked out by the swamps or the size of the hotel or really really loved Mike Tice's enormous head. Terry Bradway – Greatest GM in his own mind. Not getting either Lynch or Winfield was a fairly big fiasco and really makes you think that the Jets new "Wanna make TMQ cry" style of defense that involves blitzing, blitzing and more blitzing will have to take pressure off the secondary or things will continue to be ugly.

ED: I read Terry Bradway as Terry Bradshaw and for a second there that explained EVERYTHING about the Jets plight.

BB: I am with Ed on this one.

PR: Remember all the defense help the Jets drafted recently? Well if you see Bryan Thomas or Dewayne Robertson ever pressure the QB or make a tackle, give me a call. This year's first round pick was LB Jonathan Vilma out of Miami. Vilma, who reportedly is having a great camp (uh-oh), is expected to contribute immediately. Nope, haven't heard that before.

ED: Well, but at least there's youth there. It sure doesn't look too great right now, but there's the chance for...ugh...upside. I wouldn't put money on that though.

BB: Sure, drafting for depth is a great idea.

PR: Eric Barton was signed from the Raiders to play on the weak side (Sam Cowart is moving to the middle which SHOULD be good). Barton appears to be a good signing (cheaper, younger) but having spent his entire career with the Raiders, my spidey sense is tingling. Ed?

ED: Barton was like one of a million players the Raiders drafted in the mid-to-late 90's who all blended together. He and Rod Coleman are the same person in my mind, really. That's not a put-down, per se, just a statement on Bruce Allen's drafts. They're both smallish pass rushing specialist who can't really do anything else. And then there's the matter of both just vanishing in the middle of games and all that. But the Jets need some pass rush help, so Barton isn't a bad pick-up. Of course, that means Sam Cowart will have to do linebacking work for three. But what can you do?

BB: Fortunately Sam Cowart had to do it last year, too, so he should be used to it. There were few things in the media last year quite as funny as the collective acknowledgement that Mo Lewis and Marvin Jones had lost 83 steps.

ED: And just before the start of the season, Ray Mickens went down and out and Terrell Buckley was signed to replace him. Look away, Jets fans. Look away.

PR: Let's get back to the offense. The running game shouldn't be a problem as Curtis Martin will continue to show up for all 16 games, rush for 1200 yards and continue to punch the quietest ticket to Canton.

ED: Oh yeah, Curtis Martin = Tim Brown in sooooo many ways.

PR: Lamont Jordan will continue to steal touchdowns from Martin, assuming he can stay in Herman Edwards good grace's all year.

ED: That's assuming Jordan can squeeze into a football uniform too. Poor little fat boy.

PR: Jerald Sowell had a sorta breakout 2003 season showing that he can be a perfectly acceptable fullback… especially being able to catch out of the backfield (47 catches for just over 400 yards). No, the running game is not the Jets concern. This will mark another year of trying to get more than one dependable wideout. First it was Lavernous Coles. He left and Santana Moss suddenly became a stud. All the while Wayne Chrebet gets another year older, whiter and fragiler. Curtis Conway was comically not the answer last year. So this year, the Jets failed to get the aforementioned star so they decided to trade a second round pick for… Justin McCerains?!?!? I mean either vulture the waiver wires or actually, you know, get the FAs you desire. Not trade a second rounder for the Tennessee Titans #2 man. But, hey, McCareins is going to be Al Tooon or Wesley Walker or Rob Moore… oh wait. The Tight Ends… yeah, umm… Anthony Becht is still around and Mikhael Ricks probably doesn't have any late fees at the library.

ED: I like McCareins a whole bunch, actually. I'm not certain if Phil is deluded by hate or I am a fool here. Could be both. A Moss-McCareins WR combo cold very well be the best in the division, maybe. Of course there's no depth beyond them and I imagine they'll both get double-teamed. And since Pennington will have like two seconds to throw, I guess it really doesn't matter much.

BB: Again – FootballOutsiders LOVES McCareins so I am inclined to believe.

PR: If you didn't know any better, you would think the Jets offensive line was just Kevin Mawae and a bunch of teamsters. Of course, the line often played like that last year. Thirty One sacks allowed isn't the prettiest number in the world. Now, Mawae is the best center in the league and whenever I do a fantasy draft in Madden, I am usually making sure I grab him right quick. Jason Fabini will be protecting Pennington's blind side for yet another season. The Jets also hope they plugged the hole they had at Left Guard by signing Pete Kendall after he was run out of town by the Chiefs. Why the J!-E!-T!-S! suddenly decided they needed to take on everyone's disgraced cuts is beyond me.

ED: Yeah, Jets = Mets. Jets O-Line = Mets bullpen.

BB: It's not like they traded Jonathan Vilma for Barret Robbins or anything though.

ED: Well that would've been a push, wouldn't it?

PR: Being in the same division as the Patriots isn't a good thing. Being in the same division as the Dolphins and Bills, in addition to having a weak schedule will. The Jets could conceivably start the season 6-0. (Home against Cincy, @ San Diego, bye, @ Miami, home against Buffalo, home against San Fran) Anything less than 4-2 and we will all have to live with countless Daily News stories about the various coaches that management will replace Edwards with. Jim Mora! Jimmy Johnson! THE CORPSE OF WEEB EWBANK!!!!!!!!!

ED: Yeah, there's no possible way the Jets don't at least start off 3-3. And if that's all the better they can do, then Herm Edwards has to face down the great minds of NY reporters. Well, as long as we can get a "We play to win the game" soundbite, I guess that's all good too.

BB: Start well, bad streak, finish hot to barely miss the playoffs. This stuff isn't hard folks.

PR: To this day I will never forget 1986 when the Jets started the season 10-1 and then Will McDonough came on NBC, I guess it was still NBC back then, and said "The Jets won't win another game this season." and I was so pissed and they proceeded to lose 5 straight and stumble ass-backwards into the playoffs. Poor, poor Joe Walton.

ED: Aww, we write to go over Bill's head. Stupid youth.

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