AFC NORTH
Listed in order of 2003 finish

ED: Ed Agner
BB: Bill Barnwell
PR: Phil Rippa

BALTIMORE RAVENS
(2003 record: 10-6, Lost in AFC Wild Card Round)

Key Additions: WR Terrell Ow--Whoops, WR Kevin Johnson, CB Dale Carter, QB Kordell Stewart
Key Losses: TE John Jones, CB Tom Knight, QB Chris Redman, WR Marcus Robinson, WR Frank Sanders

PR: I love how ESPN.com doesn't have Kordell Stewart listed among the Ravens Offseason Player Movement chart. It's like they are even acknowledging what a horrifc signing it was but we are getting ahead of ourselves.

ED: Ohh, but there was NO WAY I could forget to mention that. Oh no.

ED: Number of whacks in the head with a baseball bat Ricky Ray's agent deserves for talking his client into signing with the Jets instead of Baltimore, a team he could possibly play for (out of 5): 2.

ED: Ugh. Feel the life being drained from me. That's DRAINED, not STABBED out of me. Not that I'm making a Ray Lewis joke here or anything. I had a job as a trash man one summer. I also had a job castrating pigs and shoveling a whooooole lotta pig crap when I was in high school. Then there was the years spent working at a hell hole that ended up getting shut down by the FBI. Oh, and there was also that horrid day I spent as a Honda employee.

PR: What happened? Did Joe Izzuzu jump you or something?

ED: Pheh! Like my life can be that interesting.

BB: Is Joe Izuzu one of the Samoans?

ED: Those were pretty much the ultimate in really awful jobs. I would gladly do them all over again rather than watch this Ravens offense. But hey, a crappy offense works for Baltimore because their defense has been that good. It will work for them again. But don't expect me to give a crap. The Lord gave us the forward pass for a reason, people.

BB: Wait – sorry – isn't Ohio option country? Oh. That's Nebraska. Sorry – I was getting my Midwestern collegiate offensive clichés confused. Whoops!

ED: Yeah. Comparatively, the option would be far too exciting and would cause numerous cardiac arrests in the Fast Food capital of the world. Heyyyyyyyy! Hmmm.

BB: Yeah – on one hand, you don't want them to gorge themselves and on the other hand...fried food is delicious. Really it's a quandary.

ED: Offensively, all you need to know is Brian Billick is an offensive genius and out of the pure wonder of his intellect he created a Big 10+1*85/62-14 offense. Yay! I've nominated you for a Nobel, Brian. Feel free to mug for the cameras. Taking advantage of their really huge and nice offensive line to pound Jamal Lewis at opposing defenses works for the Ravens and no one should expect any deviation from that sterling game plan in '04. But if forced to pass... Eww. Look away. Look away.

PR: When you say "no one should expect any deviation" you mean, of course, until Jamal is busted for distributing the sweet sweet cocaine. Right? And there is any more of an annoying fantasy subplot this year than the whole "How many games will Jamal Lewis play?" one. As long as he plays the two games against the Browns so he can rack up 853 yards, no one will care about the other 14 games. Mind you, I realize that since he is an athlete, he will probably be allowed pay off the jury, slander witnesses, sleep in the Judge's chambers, whatever it takes.

ED: Well, yeah. I don't even think the trial is a factor, all things considered. What? He'll miss practices? Big whoop! When's the last time Steve McNair practiced in November?

BB: How long exactly will it take before we can get rid of the "Brian Billick: Offensive Genius" tag? Last year was the first time they had an above-average scoring offense.

PR: They still were the worst passing team in the NFL averaging a pathetic 157 yards per game. You would think Chris Redman was at the helm for all 16 games. Redman would probably be ecstatic throwing for 157 yards in one season.

BB: Shut up you ninny. Chris Redman led my Madden franchise to three consecutive championships…then he got to a 97 rating and held out so I traded him. OK – so maybe you can make fun of him.

ED: QB Kyle Boller started as a rookie and did just fine - when handing the ball to Jamal Lewis. Then he got crippled and replaced with Anthony Wright who somehow made the Ravens a passing team for a few weeks. The element of surprise, I assume. Marcus Robinson is a very rich and happy man in Minnesota because of it. But aside from Robinson's family and personal banker, no one should read much into that high flying aberration. Wright is not a QB to depend upon and Boller will be the starter but won't be given much of a chance to chuck the ball. Even if the QB of choice IS forced to chuck the ball, there's not much in the receiving corps worth dropping back for.

BB: I am thinking playing opposite Randy Moss wouldn't leave you a happy man. I mean – look at what it did to Cris Carter. The sad thing is the Cris Carter comeback might be forgotten by the world when really, honestly, Cris Carter's post-alcohol mistakes are to be placed upon a pedestal to be mocked. For each time Chris Berman and Tom Jackson yelled incessantly about how he only catches touchdowns – I laugh in Cris Carter's direction. You had the ball in your hands in the end zone of the NFC Championship Game – only catches touchdowns – and Emmanuel McDaniel jacked you. You suck, Cris Carter. You suck.

PR: Are you saying Kyle Boller was a waste of a first round pick? Who are you to deride the GM geniusness of Ozzie Newsome Huh? Why do you hate Ohio's favorite TE? Why? You disgust me.

ED: Ix-nay on the Ewsom-nay. I could get Ray Lewis'ed for saying something bad about THE GREATEST TE EVER.

BB: Wait – you mean Kellen Winslow isn't Ohio's favorite TE yet? Damn liberal illiterate bitches.

ED: Todd Heap made nice little steps towards becoming a top-tier TE. Kevin Johnson is either done or really rusty from spending all that time in Cleveland with no one throwing balls in his general direction - or both. Elsewise...Travis Taylor, Randy Hymes? Oh, right. THIS is the season that Travis Taylor won't suck. OK. Why not? Even if Taylor becomes Randy Moss v. 2.0, there's a reason the Ravens aren't a run and gun team.

BB: There a lot of things I would suspect Randy Hymes of being from his name. A backup shooting guard, white, with a perm on the '87 Cleveland Cavaliers. An Enron executive. A child molestor. A porn star. (Of course – all these things are not mutually exclusive) A TE…not what I was expecting.

PR: They let Jermaine Lewis live off that kick return in the Super Bowl for a couple of years so it doesn't surprise me that Taylor is still lumbering along. Heap will be good as long as he can avoid taking unprotecting blows to the head. Playing against Dale Carter every day in practice can't be a good thing. Oh, not only are the wideouts stinky but they are undersized too. I mean Clarence Moore out of Northern Arizona (a 2004 6th round pick) will have to make the squad just because he is 6'6". He also only weighs 210 lbs. I am 6'6", 230 lbs. I can catch every fifth ball thrown my way and I would probably count less against the cap. Where do I sign?

BB: Hey – you turned down the Stony Brook scholarship offer.

ED: Yeah, how hard is it to draft a serviceable WR? I'm asking. I don't know. I don't figure it would be that hard considering most teams have WR's out the ying-yang. Except for Baltimore and Jacksonville, I guess. Not that I'm pinning any blame on Ozzie Newsome here, mind you. Ozzie was the GREATEST TE EVER. Please don't hurt me, Browns fans.

BB: Todd Heap's wife is always going to be smokin' hot, though. Kyle Boller is always going to be way too smarmy for his own good and way too slippery to sack in Madden (get it in your head people – the only way that people are getting analyzed by me is through the Madden lens).

PR: The offense will not be helped by the fact that starting center Mike Flynn will miss anywhere to up to half the season due to a broken collarbone. Yup, that will help make the Boller transition even smoother. Has Jim Fassel pushed all his chips into the middle of the table yet?

BB: Oh – you are loving making fun of Fassel now. You sad, sad man.

ED: Meh. If Fassel didn't quit when presented with the Kerry Collins problem, you think THIS will bog him down?

BB: By the Kerry Collins problem – do you mean signing Kerry Collins?

ED: The amazing thing about the Ravens is that, even after all these years, this is still a team defense that plays as if they've seen Tony Siragusa naked and are exacting their revenge on the world for that pain. Heyyyyy! Maybe naked fat men are the secret to good defensive teams? Hmmm. That would mean the Raiders would be the most AWESOME defensive force EVER with Warren Sapp and Ted Washington lathering up slowly in the showers! Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Do I dare dream? I mean about the Raiders defense not sucking not...you know...leave me alone!

BB: I think maybe you want to be alone for a few minutes Ed. And Tony Siragusa naked playing football would at least mean that I wouldn't have to see the dumb "TONY SIRAGUSA IS ON THE SIDELINE OMG!!!" graphic from FOX every playoff game. And maybe Linda Cohn would get excited.

PR: Ed's theory was close. It actually appears to be naked fat or ugly white men. Jim Burt, Jack Reynolds, Merlin Olsen, Randy White. You would be angry too if you had to see those guys changing.

ED: Merlin Olsen won squat. Just saying is all. And your forgetting the ugly white man lucky charm, Matt Millen, disturbs me. Maybe the Lions need Millen to get naked in front of the team occasionally to get Detroit a title. But of course, if you look at a naked Matt Millen you open yourself up to him questioning your sexuality.

BB: What can I say? The man has a moustache and I need a ride.

ED: Up front, the Ravens are small but quick. They CAN be run on - but only for 2-3 yard intervals before the linebacker corps comes up and stabs you repeatedly outside of a nightclub. I'm talking metaphorically, of course. Of course. Ahem. Even with the prospect of Peter Boulware missing some time due to injury, the Ravens bring one of the best linebacker units in the league. Some would even call them deadly or murderous. I would not go that far, of course. They are really fricking top-notch and any deficiencies on the D-line is more than made up by the greatness here. Of course, Ray Lewis is on the cover of Madden 2005 soooo...Ravens fans should be prepared to cry. In the secondary, the Ravens are almost equally as good as the linebacker corps with strong safety, Will Demps, being the only non-Pro Bowl type player.

PR: What trying to solidify the secondary really means is begging Deion Sanders to come out of retirement. Yeah, that is really brilliant. Maybe they are teaming with the Orioles to try a get a group rate. Anything to bring people into Charm City. Babe Ruth was born there! Actually the bigger factor in improving the secondary would be to, you know, get Chris McAlister into camp. Ah, the joys of the bad idea that is the "franchise" tag.

ED: If the Raiders even got the chroincally-disgruntled and likewise "franchise"-tagged Charles Woodson to get into camp, I'm guessing it's merely a matter of seconds until McAlister is there. And the Deion stuff...Umm. Did no one else notice that Deion had nothing left when he burnt the Skins for a buttload of money a few years back? Of course, I could see Pine Time playing for the O's and Ravens easily enough.

BB: Having Deion Sanders and Ray Lewis on the same team…maybe a bit too loud. Maybe.

BB: You would've thought the Ravens would only go for Pro Bowl-type players but I'm not a GENIUS IN A HAMMOCK!!! so what do I know, really. Really – Billick is the best comp for Tony LaRussa across sports. God, do I hate Brian Billick. The Madden curse is going to leave Lewis with one leg but he will still be able to order his friends to stab people.

ED: I wanted to make a Billick-LaRussa comparison but I realized that I had already wasted too much of my life on the Ravens already.

ED: In short, it's the same old-same old for the Ravens. Because they play in a mostly inept conference, they can keep with the boring old formula: play well enough with the running game and good defense to make the playoffs, lose early on and no one questions the genius of Brian Billick. I'm not a Ravens fan so I don't care.

PR: One of the enjoyable things about being in this region is being witness to Ravens fans who constantly feel the world is out to get them. I mean it is one thing to try and create a rival with the Redskins, which is fairly sad when only one city cares. But to bemoan every thing – like trying to defend Terrell Owens (side note: this Philly/Baltimore feud that is building might be one of the more enjoyable things for me this season. Soon someone is going to claim to have better rats.) a) NOT playing for the team and b) going deep on the very first play of a preseason game takes a special kind of talent. I am eagerly awaiting Deion not coming out of retirement so that they can blame it on Joe Gibbs.

ED: Why anyone would be upset if Deion didn't un-retire, I'll never understand.

ED: Sooner or later one of the division foes will become good and the Ravens defense will decline and Billick will have to answer for it all. But that's not gonna happen this year. Nope.

BB: If Bill Cowher can last forever, why can't Brian Billick?

PR: There is a real simple analogy here. The AFC North is the AL Central. Hmmm… why do both contain teams from Cleveland? Someone easily could be Kenny Williams in this equation. Butch Davis perhaps?

ED: I would have easily comped Kenny for the Brown family. But Butch Davis works too.

BB: Where did Carmen Policy go?

CINCINNATI BENGALS
(2003 record: 8-8, missed the playoffs)

Key Additions: S Kim Herring, WR Patrick Johnson, C Larry Moore, CG Deltha O'Neal, LB Nate Webster, C Bobbie Williams
Key Losses: RB Brandon Bennett, CB Jeff Burris, RB Corey Dillon, DT Oliver Gibson, G Mike Goff, CB Artrell Hawkins, LB Riall Johnson, G Matt O'Dwyer, G Scott Rehberg, S Mark Roman, DT Glen Steele

ED: Ahh, the Bengals! No football team has ever brought me so much joy. At times I've felt sorry for the three Bengals fans in the world. But that's only because I forget what an annoying force Bengals fans can be when everything turns upside down and the Bengals don't suck. Take last year - please. The Bengals pull out a miracle 8-8 season and Marvin Lewis is named the new Lombardi, Jon Kitna is considered Jesus and Cory Dillon is run out of town in favor of Rudi Johnson. I suppose the Bengals and their fans are allowed to be stupid when good fortune finally comes their way after so much crap, but picking out those three suspects for the Bengals good fortune is...typical Cincinnati stupidity. This is a team that had a run of 15 straight years of top-ten draft picks, ANY semi-competent coach would have made something out of that eventually - and a man who actually IS a defensive genius might have made the Bengals defense better than 28th in the league, but who am I to poo-poo all over Lombardi, Jr?

PR: I am going to defend Marvin Lewis just a little bit here as I think a lot of Ed's hate is being magnified because this is Cincinnati we are talking about. I mean just because the Bengals had 15 straight Top 10 picks doesn't mean they were good ones (and that streak doesn't even seem right since Takeo Spikes was drafted #13 in 1998. I will just assume trades were involved). First off – You have to throw the really old picks out since none of those guys would still be on the team or productive 13, 14, 15 years into their careers. Second, the Cincy brass used three of those picks on QBs (David Klinger, Akili Smith and Carson Palmer). And no one was getting anything out of Ki-Jana Carter because plenty of folks tried too. And I am still giggling over Peter Warrick and "Big Daddy" Dan Wilkerson. Heck, the best of those picks – Takeo Spikes – left before last season began (alright I probably short changed Willie Anderson a little). So no coach – be it Marvin Lewis or anyone else – was benefiting from the crappiness that was the Cincinnati Bengals from the previous 15 years. I really don't know what my point was trying to be. Oh yeah – Philadelphia sucks. Wait a minute…

ED: I had no idea that I had that much hate in me for the Bengals and/or Marvin Lewis, to be honest. I just started and it all poured out, for right and mostly wrong. And the 15 years of top picks is: a) something I realized I cribbed from Dick Vermeil which just makes me hate myself even more than normal; and b) wrong to the extreme given that the Bengals have only been making good draft picks for the past 5 or so years (aside for P-Dub and pro'lly Chris Perry, of course). So yeah, I suck. That said, Marvin Lewis had a nice offensive core in place when he took the team (except for Captain QB Jesus, of course), so giving him the genius label at this point is also dead wrong given that there WAS talent there and the Bengals were becoming a decent offensive team before Lewis got the gig. Of course, Lewis is supposedly a defensive genius - and I don't even want to get into how iffy that label is given that he Rick Peterson'ed that Ravens defense then did nothing in Washington - so making the Bengals a WORSE defensive unit last season v. the 2002 model should work against him. Or something. All this hate is confusing me. I'll need to kick Kitna or something to straighten me out.

BB: I don't get why Ed is so angry at Kitna – all he had was one wish. Some kids…when they have a little left…they wish to go to Disneyland. They want to meet Michael Jackson. Or the Backstreet Boys. Or N'Sync. Or 98 Degrees. Or LFO. Or Westlife. Or Take That. Or Wham! Or George Michael. Or…Michael Jackson I suppose. Jon Kitna's dying wish was to play quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals for one season – and be relatively successful at it. Why do you hate the cancer-stricken children, Ed? Why?

ED: Kitna had the season of his career but that's not to say it was a GOOD season (if Kitna hadn't suddenly remembered he was Jon Kitna in 3 key losses where he threw big interceptions late, the Bengals would have made the playoffs - and as a pathetic Raider fan, I still say "Thank you, Jesus" for having Kitna hand the Raiders one of their 4 sad little wins last year), let alone to say that Kitna deserves all the credit for his improved numbers - Chad Johnson, people. Chad Johnson. And Rudi over Corey? People-people-people - Yes, Corey was injured most of last season but even with Rudi getting the bulk of the carries, the Bengals were just better than a middle of the pack running team (13th overall) behind a really nice offensive line. Are you trying to tell me that's better than all those years Corey Dillon spent carrying a team with no other discernable offensive threats?

PR: Has Chad Johnson guaranteed that he will be resurrected from the dead yet? Geez, that would be spectacular. How long would it take for Kitna to realize that driving his cross through Johnson's retina would not earn him points in the afterlife?

ED: Personally, I see Kitna more of a guy who would drive a cross through T.J. Houshmandzeh's eye in the name of a holy war for Jesus and George Bush, but that's just me.

BB: It's all about the CLUBHOUSE PRESENCE! Well – locker room presence I guess. No, not that type of presence. No sir. Sam Cassell is not appearing in your picture.

ED: And now when Lewis makes the proper decision to let Kitna pursue his Bible studies in favor of Carson Palmer all I hear is - Yes. Jon Kitna is too good to bench. Look, I realize winning is alien to all three of you Bengals fans, but let me clue you in - NO ONE wins when Jon Kitna is your starter. Well, no one wearing the same colors as Jon Kitna, anyway. It doesn't matter how terrible Palmer could be as an untested kid, he can't be any worse than Kitna. And besides, here's the key to the Bengals offense that can even make a high school QB look good - throw the ball to Chad Johnson as often as you can. Yes. That worked for even the forward pass-challenged Kitna, odds are good it will work for a Heisman Trophy winner.

PR: Do you think Kitna called up Brandon Claussen and offered to help him move his things?

ED: Feh. If Jesus carried a cross on His back for Kitna, you think Captain QB Jesus wouldn't suggest Claussen carry his own stuff? Though I'm certain Kitna DID slap a Jesus Fish on the bumper of Claussen's car.

BB: Somehow I am thinking Andy Pettitte maybe beat Kitna to that. I don't care if he's in Houston and his arm is sore. Or torn. Or whatever. Dumb Astros.

ED: Yes, the Bengals were carried by a big Johnson - God, I'm ashamed of that - but it was Chad Johnson not Rudi.

BB: THREE-RUN DONG!

ED: Even after being double-teamed consistently (let's keep this clean, OK?), Chad Johnson was still plenty enough offense to keep the Bengals afloat. Adding Patrick Johnson to the mix - and hopefully, for the Bengals, getting him more snaps than the mostly-ineffective Peter Warrick - will make Carson Palmer's leap to starting QB that much easier.

PR: Hey! We finally mentioned Carson Palmer. I need to hijack this for a sec. The former Heisman Trophy winner got his year on the bench and now is thrown in the Ohio firepit of overall #1 QBs expected to earn Super Bowl victories in their first season. And has anyone explained to Carson yet that 2/5 of his starting OL left? That might make the pocket passer who "isn't one of the quickest learners" (God, I love scouting reports) a little unlucky. (Well, to be fair, his tackles – Levi Jones and Willie Anderson – are the best of one that line. Though Anderson always appears ready to tear something. I mean carrying 340 lbs isn't the easiest thing in the world.)

ED: Kelly Washington along with the aforementioned Warrick catching the short balls might make the Bengals receivers one of the best overall units in the AFC. The TE's are nothing special - Matt Schobel supposedly being their best receiving threat, but with injury concerns - but that's of little matter considering they'll need to do little more than block.

BB: When did everyone unequivocally decide that Peter Warrick sucked? And do you think maybe it would've been a good idea to make that decision, perhaps, BEFORE the Bengals drafted him #2 overall?

PR: Maybe the Bengals would just like to have the best receiving corps in their own division. Right now, it stands at third. Oh, and I decided Warrick sucked two years ago. What's the word for it… right… Fantasy Bitterness.

ED: Oh, people knew P-Dub sucked from day one. Apparently, no one in Cincy knew how to run a stop watch when Warrick took 7 years to run the 40 in the combines. And then there's the matter of his alligator arms and his stone hands and...But he can catch a punt. Yes. He can.

BB: Man – there is a joke involving Len Pasquarelli and Rich here that I'm not even sure about.

ED: And then comes Rudi. He's a nice back - big and strong with no real durability concerns so far. He's slow as molasses running uphill in Cincy in January though, making getting around the end as problematic as is getting Mike Brown into MENSA. (Hmm didn't the Bengals have a RB who was fast enough to get around the end AND run in between the tackles? Oh yes. He's in New England now. OK-OK, I understand getting rid of the old, overpriced guy in favor of the cheaper kid - Wait! I'm a Raider fan, I don't understand that at all. I've heard of that practice before but I thought that was just fictional type stuff. My bad.) Which is why the Bengals supposedly drafted the undersized Chris Perry as a change of pace back to help Rudi out. I'm not the world's biggest Perry fan due to size and speed issues, and his late signing won't help him contribute too much to the team. Fortunately, the Bengals need for a change of pace back is right there in Skip Friggin' Hicks. Marvin Lewis' genius is in question if he can't figure that out. But with that really nice o-line, the Bengals might not even need the change of pace/off-tackle runner. If Palmer can hit Chad Johnson at will, running Rudi up the middle will suffice as all they need for a running game.

BB: Man – I was as unprepared for Ed's Skip Hicks love as anybody. I'm not sure if there were any injuries or anything, but…the guy hasn't played since 2001. 2001 also happened to be his only good year in the NFL – granted, it was the only year he wasn't on the Redskins, but still. A change of pace back is a great idea, but you need more than the body type to actually be a change of pace – you need the skills.

PR: Poor misguided love. I don't mind getting rid of someone who clearly didn't want to play for the team anymore. Of course, Rudi better pan out since clearly NO ONE on the Cincy scouting staff actually followed Perry's career at Michigan. Crippled, still crippled, six good games, crippled some more. Perfect Pick!

ED: The beauty of that paragraph (other than even I have no idea where that came from other than Hicks having a really good NFL-E season) is that there's now no way I can be wrong about Skip Hicks. I'm certain Skip would find beauty in that too...some day. And now Kenny Watson is the VETERAN~! change of pace back in Hicks' wake. Yeah, the running game will not be pretty in Cincy. I hope Rudi has sought out Ickey Woods for career advice.

BB: "Johnson…off left tackle…2 yards. Tackle by Boulware." Repeat while commentators talk about grinding out yards and wearing down the defense and get all moist.

ED: But offense will not be the Bengals problem again this year. Not being able to stop other offenses was the biggest reason the Bengals surprise season fell short last year and will be the key to why they will slump this year. Up front the Bengals were too small to stop the run - something that probably makes Brian Billick as excited at night as catching the sight of his own reflection in a bedroom mirror - and did little in the way of addressing that issue (poor crippled Daryl Gardener). The Bengals CAN bring the pass rush though - which is fortunate given their secondary - but that won't mean a whole lot in a division where the running game is king. (See, now this really would have been a good place for Warren Sapp's bloated corpse to go. Aww, too bad.) The linebackers are rock solid - at a notch or two below the fabled Ravens set - and they'll have to be to make all the tackles the front line won't get.

PR: Cincy did draft a TON of front seven help this year. Mind you, who knows who will pan out and who won't. I would also like to believe that Nate Webster will be able to make at least a couple of tackles a game. And Kevin Hardy is still there. Sure he will have to be all over the field and he is over 30 but he produces.

BB: I'd like to believe that literally the Bengals drafted 2000 pounds worth of defensive linemen and linebackers this year.

ED: Well, Matthias Askew is the only draftee expected to contribute much this season and he's a pass rushing DT, so he can be a big help. Then again, the Bengals really didn't need another pass rusher. I could see Jamal Lewis putting up 900 total yards on the Ohio teams.

BB: The answer to all "pass or run" options is simple: you get Bo Jackson and run the toss sweep.

ED: Stupid Bengals! Eat the curse of Bo!

ED: The secondary on the other hand...Eww. The big decision when playing the Bengals will be: Do we run them to death or do we throw on them until our QB's arm is fragged? Since you can do both against the Bengals, odds are good you can throw darts at your playbook and come up with a scheme that will work just dandy. Good thing Marvin Lewis is a defensive genius, eh?

PR: Again, the draft might help them here as both their second round picks were in the secondary - Keiwan Ratliff (corner from Florida) and Madieu Williams (safety out of Maryland). They both are going to play and while they would earn you some okay points in a tight game of Scrabble, whether they will be able to prevent Hines Ward, Andre Davis, et al from running by them constantly will be interesting to watch. Would Bobby Taylor and Troy Vincent have looked better, yeah, but you can only do so much to get someone to play next to Lake Erie.

BB: Oh come on – they're not going to earn you points. They're good at…removing vowels off of your tray if that's all you have. But we're looking at five points max here.

ED: I had to take Ohio History in the 7th grade. Sure did. At one point I could name all 88 counties in the state - now I'm lucky to know there's 88 counties in the state. Seems that all I retained from the class is that: a) the Taft family are basically Ohio's retarded answer to the Kennedy's; and b) Cincy was next to the Ohio River and Cleveland was next to Lake Erie. Oh, and Ohio's had an inexplicably high amount of astronauts and presidents. But as far as the geography goes...well those locations might have changed since I was in the 7th grade. Lord knows everything else has changed since 1985. And it HAS been a while since I've been to either city. But that's what I was taught. Maybe the Bengals don't know their Ohio geography either? Who can be sure?

BB: The fact that you had to take Ohio history makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Ah, states' rights.

ED: Last season was a good story, but here's where you apply the glass ceiling theory. The Bengals are good enough to outscore the Browns and Steelers but with the combination of a MUCH tougher schedule and having to play the Ravens twice, the Bengals will be very fortunate to hit .500 again.

BB: Eh – I dunno about this one. The Bengals could pull out a game against the Ravens at home out of Kyle Boller stupidity. It's not like he'll be able to take advantage of the Bengals secondary. If Palmer makes the offense 10% better, and Lewis can turn Deltha O'Neal into a reasonable starting cornerback, they could make the playoffs. That's a pretty strong recommendation.

ED: Not mentioning Deltha O'Neal and how Bronco corners turn into great players away from Shanahan, shames me. I could seriously see O'Neal having a Pro Bowl type season. But he's paired with Tory James. I know James' work all too well. Guess which corner will get picked on?

BB: The answer, oddly enough? Otis Smith. It's always Otis Smith.

PR: The AFC North is paired with the AFC and NFC East this year. So the added game against Philly and New England will not improve anyone's mood. This is were Cincy's schedule hurts. In the last five weeks, they play three road games - @ Baltimore, @ New England and @ Philly. I wouldn't want to have to win three of my last five to earn a WC with those games looming.

ED: Yeah. I can see the Bengals MAYBE going .500 against their division. So 3-3 is a start. I wouldn't guarantee that with issues on the right side of the O-line and run-stopping problems on defense, but it's possible. Then you've got Denver, the Jets, Tennessee, Dallas, Washington and the end of schedule that Phil pointed out. For the Bengals to go .500 on the season and be in wild card contention, they'll have to win five of those games. That seems too much to ask for to me. Marvin's really gonna miss that last place schedule more than Corey Dillon.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS
(2003 record: 6-10, missed the playoffs)

Key Additions: CB Terry Fair, P Chris Gardocki, DL Travis Kirschke, RB Duce Staley
Key Losses: S Brent Alexander, DE Rodney Bailey, RB Dee Brown, TE Mark Bruener, LB Jason Gildon, P Josh Miller, DeWayne Washington, RB Amos Zereoue

ED: Ahh, Bill Cowher. All the AFC North needs is Jeff Fisher and Mike Shanahan and it would be the most annoying force in the universe. He's a quasi-genius too, ya know. He is. Just ask a Steeler fan. Lord knows Steeler fans aren't liable to overinflate the value of the marginal. Just ask Lynn Swann.

PR: Screw Fisher and Shanahan – Dave Wannstedt should get Butch Davis' job after both are canned. That would make this divison perfect. My head is swimming at the idea of Wannstedt and Cowher trying to give the game away to each other and then blaming it on the refs.

ED: Oh-oh! You forgot Andy Reid...and Mike Martz...and Mike Sherman and...Norv Turner and...Eww. God, no wonder people consider Shanahan and Belicheck geniuses. When 75% of the leagues' coaches are flat-out idiots, it only takes a moderate amount of competency to be the smart kids in class. Where do we sign up?

BB: I wonder if Juan Pierre can return punts.

PR: I am sure Carl Crawford can.

ED: You just know Matt Millen's given Alex Sanchez a try out. Unless Sanchez has eyed him all funny-like.

BB: As long as Matt Millen doesn't hire any Israeli middlemen he should be okay. Ah, it's not even close to the NFC North and I'm already getting out all the gay Millen jokes.

ED: I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for Tommy Maddox because he carried me to the only fantasy sports title I'll ever win. Sure, it was an XFL fantasy league, but still, life is full of miserable, stinking, humiliating failures, take your victories when they come. That said, relying on Tommy Maddox only looks good if you're an XFL team or your other option is, say, Kordell Stewart - or if he's just keeping the seat warm for Ben Roethlisberger. Since it's the latter and the only other options are to throw Big Ben to the fire or...ugh...Charlie Batch, playing Tommy is an OK position in the end since the Steelers are more than a good QB away from being a force.

BB: Hey – how many people can say they have an XFL MVP trophy on their mantle? And is the "Charlie Batch is biding his time till a starting position comes available" story finally finished?

PR: Crippling injury helped finish the story and probably Batch's career off – yup.

BB: Ah, yes, the NFL. Oh well – Batch will always have…um…why do people regard Charlie Batch so highly? Did he ever do anything well? Can we join him together with Shaun King at the hip? I'd at least let them play in Canada together.

ED: The addition of Duce Staley would have been a nice move - if the Steelers didn't already have another injury-prone back whose tank is even emptier and they hadn't let go of any kind of backfield insurance. Don't get me wrong, I heart me some Duce Staley, but he's not exactly a back who can handle a big workload at this stage in his career - especially not behind THAT offensive line. Letting the fat carcass of Jerome Bettis take all the beatings behind that line would be optimal if you're crazy/stupid enough to let him Jabba away a roster spot at this point in his career, but the Steelers are talking about making Bettis their short yardage back. And I chuckle.

BB: But what about replica jersey sales?? So the Steelers prep Amos Zereoue for a few years, they finally give him a chance to start and…he lasts seven games. He had the same YPC as the Bus. But Zereoue gets cut because he doesn't sell lots of jerseys or have a United Way commercial. Right.

ED: I see Bettis as a sort of Al Leiter-John Franco type of guy who "helps" the rookies in front of the cameras then stabs them in the back to get them out of town when the VETERAN~! is threatened. That's the only way I can figure Bettis still having a job, anyway.

PR: But, but – THE BUS has lost weight. Why are you trying to make Momma Bettis cry? All she was trying to do was sell some soup.

ED: Yeah. Mama Davis tried to sell soup too and look where that got Terrell.

BB: I mean – Earl Campbell is all crippled too. It's a sad story. And Michael Strahan…his Madden rating dropped a point this year.

ED: Thanks to the horrible play of the offensive line, the Steelers couldn't run at all last season (31st overall in rushing), forcing the team to go to the air early and often which, in turn, got Tommy Maddox mauled. No way a smart man would throw a rookie behind that - which is why I half-expect Cowher to give Big Ben plenty of playing time this season. Optimistically, one could point out that most of last season's O-line problems were due to injuries and health issues and with a dash of luck everything should be much better. OK. It's still early enough to be Pollyanna, I guess. If those magic beans grow, the Steelers should be...better. All the same, I'd look into selling myself some nice health insurance if I were Tommy Maddox.

PR: Flash back to August 19. Starting right guard Kendall Simmons tears his ACL. Oh yeah. Someone needs to pray for Mr. Maddox.

BB: It's ok – I am thinking Tommy Maddox has lots of insurance selling in his future. Maybe in his past too.

ED: A well-insured Tommy Maddox would have many good reasons to drop back in the pocket despite the health concerns, as the Steelers again bring a really good receiving corps. Actually, they bring the excellent Hines Ward and...some other stuff. While Ward just continues to be one of the best receivers in the sport, his cohort, Plaxico Burress, continues to baffle everyone with his inconsistency. If Burress ever decides to grow up and put it all together to be the wide out everyone thinks he should be, the Steelers would have the best one-two receiving punch in football. Odds of that happening based on Burress' pre-season whining - zip. In the slot, Antwaan Randle-El shows the occasional flash but is still learning how to play wide-out, while number-four guy Chris Doering is Ricky Proehl warmed over.

BB: Chris Doering has SPURRIER SPIRIT!!! You fool. It's amazing that people see Burress on the same level as Ward. Ward's averaged 100 catches and 9 TDs over the last three years. Burress has averaged 68 catches and 6 TDs. But Burress has more hype and deserves a huge contract because…he's tall.

PR: Fine with me – I will gladly take everyone sleeping on Ward again so I can draft again. Antwaan Randle-El probably should be the guy we should be pimping for the huge breakout season but Cowher will probably have him killed playing nose tackle or something. It's all about the wacky formations. It also could be when Burress flips out again about not getting thrown the ball and bludgeons Randle-El with his helmet. And the fact that Doering hates Coach Spurrier slightly less than Shane Matthews and Danny Wuerrfel is something that I need to expound on further at a later date. UoF Black & White, perhaps???

BB: I don't know why Randle-El having a good season and Cowher getting killed playing nose tackle are correlated (or, for that matter, why Cowher would play nose tackle). Rippa will figure this out for you.

ED: TE Jay Reimersma disappointed everyone with an injury-plagued season and even if he was healthy he'd still be Jay Reimersma so...big frickin' deal. Yeah, that's a solid enough corps, but that only matters if Maddox isn't underneath three defensive linemen before he even gets set to throw.

PR: I hardly think anyone was that disappointed… people who might have drafted him (of course, this might have been Ed, who knows). Reimersma's one job should really be providing an extra blocker when the Ravens crowd eight in the box. Wait a second – is Reimersma even the starting TE? Isn't it Jerame Tuman? Jesus – if I am asking already who the starting TE is for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I have hit a new low in my life. I need a job – stat.

ED: I know the pain of drafting Reimersma in the past. I'm not certain if I did last year or not. I know Steelers fans who bragged up Reimersma as sliced bread when Pittsburgh signed him. But Steelers fans are fools. That makes me happy. Either way, I just threw that out there to rub Reimersma's failures in their faces. I can be vindictive when I want to be.

BB: I'm just glad that you were consistent spelling Reimersma's name throughout this section so I can assume that you spelled it right each time. Ah, I long for the days of Batista's and Christensen's.

ED: Defensively, the Steelers are the ultimate mixed bag - they've got a really nice and unheralded defensive line that improved nicely over the course of last season, a corps of overhyped and mostly-unproductive linebackers, cornerbacks that should again be the butt of many jokes and a safety duo that could the best young pair in the league. You won't be able to run up the gut on the Steelers very well - which is fortunate for Pittsburgh given that they're in a mostly run-dominate division - but you can get around the ends and get some serious yardage on the soft linebackers. And the passing game...Oh man, will teams bring the passing game against the Steelers. In other words, it's the same old-same old, the Steelers are built to compete with the Ravens but no one else. And that really and truly breaks my heart.

PR: I miss Carnell Lake.

PR: I also should mention that while living in this area is entertaining to hear Baltimore fans, it is not entertaining because of the number of Steelers games that end up getting shown on the CBS affiliate in DC. "Hey, they are a Ravens rival. The 5 Raven fans in DC need to see this game!" And while I love me some Hines Ward, the rest of the team is really unbearable to watch.

ED: Oh yeah. AFC North territory is football hell. I know your pain. A Steeler-Browns game in December is...*shudder*

BB: Bb…but…GRIT! And LINEBACKERS! And TRADITION! And…COLD WEATHER! And 17-11 final scores! God I hate football.

CLEVELAND BROWNS
(2003 record: 5-11, missed the playoffs)

Key Additions: DL Ebenezer Ekuban, QB Jeff Garcia, G Kelvin Garmon, LB Warrick Holdman, FB Terrelle Smith
Key Losses: P Chris Gardocki, C Shaun O'Hara, CB Lewis Sanders, OT Barry Stokes, RB Jamel White, QB Tim Couch

ED: I remember that 2002 playoff game when the Browns were chucking the ball all over the field on the Steelers and, on the verge of blowing out Pittsburgh, they quit throwing the ball early in the fourth quarter, allowing the Steelers to come back and win. I was at the home of a Browns fan and said to him after the latest Cleveland playoff collapse - "Man, your head coach isn't very bright, is he?" It's basically gone downhill for Butch Davis ever since, as he spent the offseason chasing away front office staff, baffling his own players and not doing anything to boost the confidence of the hangdog Browns fans still hoping for the return of Bernie Kosar. But hey, if it's any consolation, the time since Davis' playoff meltdown hasn't been the best for me either. We are brothers in arms. Idiots united! Yeah.

BB: I would like to think that any misfortune you may have suffered is totally correlated to Butch Davis' inanity but I really cannot be convinced of it. The fact that he left the machine that now exists at Miami was really his first big mistake. Would you leave Miami for Cleveland? CLEVELAND?

PR: Everyone should take the time to read Davis' bio on the Cleveland website. There is nothing better than having to tout a coach's success rate in replay challenges as a positive. Then there are three full paragraphs basically pimping how great Miami is. But the kicker is (paraphrased sorta) "The club went 7-9 which was TWO more than the 1999 and 2000 season combined". WHOO-HOO!!!! We beat three years ago!!! Nevermind that we lost TWO more than last year.

ED: Forced with two QB's last season, Davis couldn't pick one or the other and the season became a farcical carousel of two QB's sucking enough for three or four or five or...what have you. Out went the one-time future of the Browns, in comes Jeff Garcia to be THE MAN and...I am nonplussed. (And yes, I refuse to make a sucking joke about Garcia here, thank you.) Garcia can scramble and that's helpful given the line he plays behind. Garcia also has a bad back, something not so helpful given the line he plays behind. Supposedly the Garcia era is merely a placeholder for the new newest Browns QB of the future, Luke McCown. Ergo, a five year-old franchise is already in a second stage of rebuilding. Yeah, that's a way to make your fanbase love you.

BB: So now where does Tim Couch fall in the pantheon of failed #1 picks?

PR: Better than Ki-Jana Carter, worse than Kenneth Sims?

ED: C'mon, Carter was just unlucky. Dan Wilkinson was MUCH worse than Carter. But Courtney Brown may be worse than Wilkinson. God Ohio sucks.

BB: Think about how much the Redskins suck, then.

ED: And speaking of the love - our man William Green is all about the love. The love for what, I will let you decide. After cutting--err, after a shortened season thanks to many off field issues, Green is looking to regain his place as the Browns starting back. Lee Suggs, who filled in admirably for Green at the end of last year, might have something to say about that. Green is the faster of the two, Suggs is the more powerful and better runner, both could be starting backs on most teams. That would be a nice little situation to have but odds are heavily against Butch Davis figuring out how to use both based on his experience with the two-headed QB monster of the last two seasons.

BB: He just loves to attack or be attacked by his wife. Which one of us is not in love with baby mama drama? I say, let he cast the first stone. At Jerry Springer. Or Montel Williams. Or Montell Jordan. Or Carlton Banks. Or Sharon Osborne. Aw, dumb television.

PR: We should run a poll on which AFC North Running Back will serve jail time during the season. Of course, I will be pushing for Bam Morris to get resigned by the Steelers.

ED: Is Tim Worley out of jail yet?

ED: At receiver, the Browns are relying heavily on first-round pick Kellen Winslow II to rejuvenate the team. Problem is, Winslow apparently developed a phobia about Cleveland based on watching too many Drew Carey reruns and didn't sign with the team until late. That's understandable, really. Understandable phobias won't help the Browns much, though. Getting K2 serious reps at the few practices he gets and adding him to the passing attack of Northcutt, Davis and Morgan would make the Browns receiving corps top-notch. Soldier on.

PR: Who knew that Jeremy Shockey wasn't going to be the most vocal Tight End out of Miami in the last five years? Winslow can complain all he wants about the Redskins passing on him but if I am a GM, I am taking Sean Taylor over K2 100 times out of a 100. All that being said, the Browns are actually a great place for him to end up as Jeff Garcia – in theory, loves the tight end… err… that was an unfortunate choice of words. Jeff Garcia loves to throw to the tight end position. There we go. Plus, who knows what is going on with the tailbacks and I think the Browns wideouts are somewhat underrated so why not go out and try to win 45-42 shootouts every week. Its not like the defense won't be giving up the 42 every week.

ED: You, of course, are relying on Garcia not getting killed while trying to put up the 45/game.

ED: But none of that matters much with that offensive line. Oh man, is that ever a whole lotta ugly. If Garcia survives the season, the Browns can consider their O-line much improved. I'd look into buying some health insurance from Touchdown Tommy if I was Jeff Garcia.

ED: Over on the D-line the Browns would like to forget they wasted first round picks on busts Courtney Brown and Gerard Warren and build the line all over again. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot else to replace the two so they're going to ride out those sunk costs come hell or highwater.

PR: There was something beautiful about that article I read that had Brown and Warren in the Top 3 of most overpaid guys in the league. I could easily see the two of them partying with Omar Vizquel (Ricky Williams soooo would have been better for that joke. Stupid trade.)

ED: I could see Brown and Warren eating Omar. Actually, I would pay to see them eat Omar.

BB: I am chipping in $10 for that.

ED: This is a line that CAN get some pass rush but they can't stop the run whatsoever. Fortunately, the decision to develop their young linebackers last season proved mostly positive, so there's some help for the run. The secondary is run-of-the-mill at best, a huge gaping wound at worst. Considering the defense figures to be on the field a bunch, things don't figure to be very pretty again in Cleveland, but...things are never pretty in Cleveland, so who will notice?

PR: The Browns did sign Ebenezer Ekuban away from the Cowboys. That can't possible go wrong. Nope.

ED: Yeah, adding the "Dallas element" always brings about good things.

BB: Cleveland has to have been one of the worst-drafting teams in football over the last five years, having blown chance after chance to acquire impact players. The fact that they somehow managed to get to the playoffs is astounding. I mean – let's look at the Browns roster. Which players on the Browns roster would start on most teams? Gerard Warren probably would but he's still a bust for a top-3 pick. Phil Dawson IS a pretty good kicker. Ross Verba's pretty talented although he's getting up there by now. K2 is a soldier. That's it. 4 guys and 2 of them have issues.

ED: To be fair, Garcia could be a starter for a lot of teams - at least, say, Miami or San Francisco. So could Ricky Ray. And Doug Flutie. God hates QB's who spent time in Canada, I guess. Suggs and Green could start for most teams but they'll cancel each other out thanks to an incompetent coach. And I have a strange Northcutt fetish, too. Beyond that, eww. How DID they make the playoffs a couple of years ago?

ED: Browns fans expect pain and heartbreak by now. This season shouldn't prove to be any deviation from the norm. Unless William Green's baby mama attacks and incapacitates Butch Davis, the best to hope for in Cleveland is...umm...well, counting the rings around C.C. Sabathia's belly, watching LeBron play meaningless basketball games and making lame jokes about Jeff Garcia's sexuality. Ehh, it could be worse.

PR: Just for the record – the Week 16 ESPN game between the Browns and Dolphins could potentially be the worst nationally televised game all season. My son better be born early because that is one nasty ass match to taint what could be his first day on this planet. Please don't hate Football Gods.

ED: Or you can hope for a drunken Dan Marino hitting on Suzie Kolber that night. Either way.

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