AFC South
(Teams listed in order of 2003 finish)

BB: Bill Barnwell
ED: Ed Agner
PR: Phil Rippa

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
(2003 record: 12-4, Lost in AFC Championship Game)

Key Additions: Peyton Manning's new contract
Key Losses: DE Chad Bratzke, CB Cliff Crosby, DB Walt Harris, QB Brock Huard, CB David Macklin, OT Adam Meadows, RB Detron Smith, LB Marcus Washington, WR Terrence Wilkins, G Steve Sciullo

ED: I owe Tony Dungy an apology. When he was hired as Colts head coach, my immediate reaction was to chuckle and ponder just how badly he would retard Indy's offense. I pictured Dungy bringing in as many ex-Bucs as possible and the team struggling to put up 12.3 points per game. I am an idiot.

ED: By keeping his hands off the offense, Dungy has kept the Colts as one of the premier scoring machines in football. Manning-James-Harrison is the sound of the bell that brings about Pavlovian drooling amongst fantasy football geeks. Throw in Reggie Wayne, Brandon Stokley, Troy Walters, Dallas Clark, Dominic Rhodes, etc., etc., etc., and the Colts offense during football season causes as many lonely men to sit pantsless in front of computer screens as a Victoria's Secret web cast. Or something. Fine. Make your own choker joke then. See if I care.

PR: I still remember the one great Jerome Pathon game. Aww… memories of freaky fantasy performances.

ED: I was kicking myself for forgetting Pathon. Then I saw his numbers over the past couple of seasons and I realized it should be Pathon who kicks Peyton for forgetting him.

BB: I figure Harrison has a down year and then next year we get the inevitable "MARVIN HARRISON AIN'T WORTH A DIME ANYMORE!!! DALLAS CLARK IS THE NEW HOTNESS!!!" articles and Harrison busts out 120 catches. But that's a year away.

PR: This would be really really great except for the fact that Harrison is so going to be abusing the new "let's get Ty Law" rule like the fat guys in Dupont Circle storming the new Krispy Kreme store. Oh man – I am starting to get giddy which means, crippling injury here we come.

ED: Yeah. You should have put Harrison on the cover of Madden and made it quicker and easier.

ED: You don't need me to tell you the Colts bring the offense. An ESPN goober could mail in another report and tell you that as well as I can. Even so, and with all the love I have in my heart for high scoring offenses (and I DOOOO heart me some high scoring offenses), I still can't get excited about the Colts whatsoever. Perhaps it's the fact that Peyton Manning reminds me of a Special Ed kid. (Well, that's probably the biggest reason now that I think of it.) Maybe it's the dome making them remind me too much of the chronically underachieving Vikings. Maybe it's all the Indiana Klansmen in the stands. I don't know. But then I don't care enough to really figure it out either. Meh. Yeah, the Colts bring the offense. Whoopee.

BB: The reason you can't get excited about the Colts is because they don't do anything exciting. They play in the middle of nowhere - in a dome in the middle of nowhere. As if everyone needed to escape Indiana for four hours and they realized that merely going to a stadium wasn't enough – they had to feel like they were in St. Louis. Everything about the Colts seems totally forced and ridiculous – from Edgerrin James' (former) gold fronts to Peyton Manning coming to the line and making all kinds of ridiculous head-bobs that don't mean anything to Marvin Harrison being the only WR in football who isn't an asshole. They're just there. Any personality, any style is only them messing with you. But not trying to offend you. And really – it's better to have Edgerrin James introduce gold fronts to the Midwest than Ol' Dirty Bastard. Or Compton Ass Terry. At least James has a helmet on most of the time.

PR: Big Baby Jesus going over the middle against the Patriots secondary would be priceless though. I also would like to take another moment to think about all those people who thought that Indy was the worst team ever for drafting James ahead of Ricky Williams. Hehehehe…

ED: Aww, memories of Mel Kiper's hair bouncing around as he ranted on the Colts yet again. Where did the time go? Up in smoke for Ricky, of course. But I mean for the rest of us.

ED: What Tony Dungy was hired for was to toughen up the Colts defense so Indy wouldn't become the 21st century version of the early-80's Chargers. That, he has done well enough. Dungy shaped up a rag-tag group of veterans into a semblance of respectability in the past three seasons. All the while, the Colts focused their Dungy-era drafts on bringing in defensive players as athletic as their offensive counterparts. Now that many of the veterans, in place when Dungy arrived, are gone, it's time to see what the draft has brought them.

PR: Probably the last holdover (I consider Marcus Washington to be too young and good to count) was Chad Bratzke who was kicked to the curb this offseason. (Which is really fun when you realize that the Colts are taking like a $4.5 million cap hit this year but will end up saving $5.5 million. But you add that $4.5 million to all the money Archie is hording from Peyton and you could have easily signed two or three guys. But to be fair, Bratzke has so outpriced himself out of the market that as of the third week of the preseason, he still hasn't signed with anyone).

ED: Overpriced VETERAN~!? How Snyder hasn't made him a Redskin yet is beyond me.

ED: Up front, we know that Dwight Freeney is making a case for being one of the best young pass rushers in the game. Otherwise, it's mostly a mish-mash of guys with high expectations and low production (Josh Williams, Robert Mathis, Brad Scioli) and guys with no expectations and a normal heart rate (everyone else). They can bring the pass rush with this corps - thanks mostly to Freeney - but run stopping...umm...no. Nice try. Please play again.

BB: Dwight Freeney is weird – he's either a terror where you have to know where he is on the field at all times…or he's not even worth paying attention to. In the regular season Patriots-Colts game, he was an absolute monster. In the playoff game…he wasn't even there.

ED: Backing up the line, the Colts bring a huge question mark after losing their top linebacker, Marcus Washington, to free agency. Mike Peterson, Rob Morris and David Thornton are the solid but unspectacular starters in place. They won't make anyone forget about the '85 Bears but they'll be OK. The replacement for Washington will come from an uninspiring scrap heap of guys who may as well remain nameless. Dungy can coach up a defense so I wouldn't have any great fears about anything here, but there's nothing to get too excited about either.

PR: Cato June has the AMAZING name, whether he can play weak side linebacker, who knows. Can Thornton easily adjust to strong side? Does any of this really really matter? As Ed said – Dungy will have a defense that should keep teams under 30 points a game. The offense can handle the rest. (This carries the caveat that this is obviously going under the assumption that Manning doesn’t die and Tim Couch is signed.)

ED: In the secondary, the Colts lost their starting corners to free agency and a sal cap release (How can small market teams compete against the Yank...Oops. Wrong sport.) and plan on replacing them with a couple of second-year kids in Joseph Jefferson and Donald Strickland - or possibly the aged Nick Harper with his four lengthy years of experience. Well, that fits the motif, I guess, as the Colts could possibly start rookie safety Bob Sanders and second-year safety Michael Doss to fill out the backfield. One might point out the lack of...yes...VETERAN PRESENCE~! here, but not me. Nope. I might point out how this isn't a very big backfield but I am sworn by duty to celebrate youth. Sweet-sweet youth! Where did you go?

BB: Hi. Um – while having great safeties is overrated, having young safeties is a problem. Mmm…play action pass. Mmm…play action pass. Mmmm mmm mmmm.

PR: It's even worse when you have overrated safeties. Poor little Shaun Williams. There I go again.

ED: Safe-ties? What? Ohhhhh. Right. Most NFL teams have safeties who aren't former-corners on leave from a retirement home. Gotcha. My Raider fandom throws me off sometimes.

PR: We really didn't mention it but the Colts did NOTHING this offseason. Every guy the signed was their own free agent. They weren't able to sign a single free agent thanks to the ridiculous contract of Lord Peyton (just to fully appreciate the absurdness of the contract extension that the Colts gave him – Manning will make up 10% of the salary cap every year). AND they didn't have a first round pick this year. I especially liked them drafting another TE in the third round. The "Dallas Clark is the new Hotness" angle will be so much better then. Also it will make Marcus Pollard cry. Butler Down?

PR: Yeah, Indy kinda got a gift from the NFL schedule makers (what do you mean? conspirarcy what?) I mean, their toughest road game is visiting New England, which is the Week 1 game. So even if the poop the bed, plenty o' time to recover. Their toughest games are all home – Green Bay (Week 3), Minnesota (Week 9), Baltimore (Week 15). Well and the two games against Tennesee but who knows what they are doing. Plus the AFC South plays the AFC West. Are you telling me this team won't be licking its chops over games against Oakland and San Diego (oh yeah – both at home too). In fact, the only road game to worry about in the second half of the season is against Denver in Week 17 and that is because the first week snow storm might bury the plane.

ED: Warren Sapp will EAT Peyton Manning. Well...I can hope. And if he does, he'll be worth every penny.

ED: In a nutshell, this is the same sort of Colts team that you know and...whatever it is you feel for them. They'll score a ton of points and give up a bunch - especially early on while the young pups in the D-backfield are getting their feet wet. They'll be good enough to take this conference but if you're thinking this is the year Peyton gets his ring, you obviously haven't heard Peter King speak breathlessly about what massive brains lies beneath Bill Belicheck's big, bulbous Obi-wan hood and how his defense wins championships (Mmmmmmmm, Bill Belichick's big, stiff, hard...charging...defense!).

BB: I feel dirty like a girl in a Coors Light commercial.

TENNESSEE TITANS
(2003 record: 12-4, Lost in the AFC Divisional Round)

Key Additions: Antowain Smith
Key Losses: G Tom Ackerman, K Gary Anderson, RB Eddie George, DE Jevon Kearse, WR Justin McCareins, QB Neil O'Donnell, DT Robaire Smith, TE Frank Wycheck, RB Jarrett Payton (aww… Sweetness is rolling in his grave), K Joe Nedney (IR)

ED: Every now and then I get to thinking about Nashville in general and how cool it would be if the zombified corpse of say, Hank Williams or Waylon Jennings or even the blob of George Jones' original liver, were to rise from the grave and started killing people at random as it charged through Music Row. Oh what joy that would bring! Oh sure, the draw back would be that the zombie/blob in question wouldn't have many brains to feed upon there. But I'm certain a quick little detour by whatever the corporately sponsored name of the Titans' stadium is this week and the zombie could feast for weeks on the massive amount of brains in Jeff Fisher's head - not to be confused with the big, bulbous brains under Bill Belichick's Obi-wan hood, of course - since, we all know by now that Jeff Fisher is a football genius. Nay! Nay! No MERE genius is he! Jeff Fisher is a SUUUUPER GENIUS. Wile E., jim! He is. Don't make me have to get Chris Berman to come to your door and bellow all this at you.

BB: [insert OPS joke here]

PR: Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

ED: Well, hmm...offensively, it's what, Steve McNair and...? While I've never quite got the whole line of BS that Steve McNair is the greatest QB ever to ever do anything ever...EVER...I do not question his value to this team - well, wait! Yeah, I DO question that considering that all of the Titans back-up QB's have been able to step in easily enough for him despite his supposed sacrosanct reputation as QB of all QB's - kinda like Jim Kelly, now that I think of it. I also question that co-MVP award he got last year, but I don't care enough to bother going into that right now. Anyway, the offense rests on McNair and all we know for certain is that by mid-season McNair will supposedly be too crippled to play, yet will play anyway, and, because of that, he will be on his death bed for at least the last month of the season. Drama, thy name is McNair.

BB: Also – DUI. Your name is McNair. As great as the "Always hurt but never broken" rep is…driving into a tree would not be a good way to test out how true it is.

PR: You know, I like Steve McNair but I am not a big fan of the "plays hurt" thingy that everyone pimps (Brett Favre too). If there is one position where I don't want a guy hobbling around, unable to grip a football it is Quarterback. The bruised ribs, achy back is one thing but being unable to do… oh… 80% of your required job is a good way to get your team into trouble. I know, I know – Tom Coughlin will spit on me if he ever reads this but it is the truth. Oh yeah – the guy on NFL.com who wrote that McNair was giving the Titans "that unstoppable look" just hit new heights on the unintentional comedy scale.

ED: Pinko commie. Why dontcha just put skirts on 'em? Wow! Channeling the spirit of Mike Ditka is pretty cool. Uh-oh. Seems like the spirit of Ditka took his little purple pill. I'll need some alone time with my copy of Brian's Song now.

PR: Yeesh – THAT is so replacing the whale in my nightmare.

ED: All the picking on McNair aside, he's the only brand name the Titans have now. Antowain Smith and Chris Brown step in for the departed Eddie George and, while George had been no great shakes the last three years, his replacements are no sure thing. Brown looked good and had a better yard-per-carry average than George last year, but no one is certain what you'll get from Brown over the long-haul being that his promising rookie season was marred with injury issues. Antowain Smith LOOKS like the big hoss back who can grind out the yardage but he's never really shown any great ability to do much of anything. But he has RINGS~! Clay Bellinger approves. Since I am ancient and have a soft spot in my heart for Walter Payton, my hope is that Sweetnesscito runs roughshod, but I am a fool.

PR: No go on the Jarrett Payton front. Anyway, last year Eddie George averaged 3.3 yards per carry. Antowain Smith averaged 3.5 yards. Both are gimpy gimpy backs. The transition should be seamless for Titans fans. Chris Brown is being put over heavy by everyone and the mother so alarms should be going off from Memphis to Knoxville.

ED: As far as wide-outs go, it only seems like Derrick Mason has been Tennessee's so-called top receiver for forever. He is as old as Phil though, so buyer beware.

PR: I hate the fact that we can actually make this joke now and it actually isn’t a joke. GET OFF MY LAWN!

ED: Trading Justin McCareins to the Jets was...interesting. I'm assuming it was a sal-cap move since McCareins looked good from what I saw. But who am I to question Jeff Fisher's genius? Drew Bennett's whiteness likely makes many Titans fans happy and hey, who doesn't need a white possession receiver? Certainly, a geniu--SUUUUUPER GENIUS like Jeff Fisher would not overlook the importance of white possession receivers. Tyrone Calico has a really cool name and flies like the wind but looks as of he would have problems catching cold in Siberia from what I saw of him last season. And TE Erron Kinney is...still...Erron Kinney. But at least Frank Wycheck and his big red Q went to the glue factory at last.

PR: Aww… the Music City Miracle is officially dead. I will miss the giant lot of former Titans… Wycheck being the foremost. I remember the Tennessee Oilers for their, albeit short, run in history. All the old farts were there too (Wycheck, McNair, George, Al Del Greco, Bruce Matthews, Blaine Bishop, Willie Davis and of course, Yancey Thigpen). Long may you ride, Frank. Long may you ride… and not be mistaken for Jay Riemersma.

BB: FootballOutsiders (the people behind which have been kind enough to also destroy me in a fantasy baseball league this year as well) looooves Justin McCareins. I do too from what I've seen of him. He looks like a legitimate #1A guy. Of course…he's a Jet, so he'll hurt himself.

PR: Oh, by the way, Tennessee drafted Ben Troupe out of Florida in the second round this year, thinking they got themselves a steal since many folks projected him to be a first rounder. Yup – he is so #4 on the depth chart right now after playing like… well almost any recent Gator draft pick in the NFL right now. This is why I am disappointed that Spurrier isn't in the league anymore. He so would have drafted Troupe instead of both K2 and Sean Taylor. Maybe he and Taylor Jacobs will try and get a group home.

ED: Florida WR's = Penn State RB's?

ED: The O-line is actually pretty decent this season. Matter of fact, the line was pretty decent last season. Hmm. Maybe Jeff Fisher in his infinite wisdom has a life insurance policy out on McNair and forces the line NOT to protect him or something? I dunno. Ask Tommy Maddox, I guess. If the line isn't horrible then-then...how and/or why does Steve McNair flirt with death every season? Why do I even care?

ED: Over on defense, the Titans lost linemen Jevon Kearse and Robaire Smith to free agency. The Titans had been pretty deep on the D-line - needfully so, considering Kearse's injury history - so they have Albert Haynesworth and Carlos Hall, among others, ready to step in. It's a solid enough line against the pass and rush. Nothing spectacular in either respect, but solid. And at least the continual Kearse injury headaches aren't their problems anymore so you have to figure that addition by subtraction, really.

BB: Haynesworth was a first rounder who I think bigger things were expected of at tackle. He needs to step his game up.

PR: Haynesworth actually needs to stop crippling himself. Seriously, are the Titans capable of fielding anyone without some sort of hideous injury. Did they draft that amputee who played special teams in college?

ED: If we suddenly get a lot of hits for "amputee pictures" because of that reference, Phil, I'll hold you responsible. Hmm, amputee pics = Alfonseca six fingers pics?

ED: The linebackers are really nice and will make up for any deficiencies on the D-line. Outside linebacker Keith Bullock is supposedly primed to take over much of Kearse's pass rushing duties. And the rest of the corps is equally adept at run stopping, pass rushing and helping out with pass defense. Since no one knows about Bullock and Simon and Calmus, Jeff Fisher will get 100% of the credit when the defense doesn't slump after the departure of Kearse. No one said life was fair, people.

BB: The sad thing is that 95% of the credit will go to Jeff Fisher's mustache alone.

PR: Have I pimped Keith Bullock enough over the last few years? He had a career year last year capping it off with a Pro Bowl selection that was actually deserved. I have to support the guy who I backed up on my high school basketball team oh so many years ago. Bullock, Will Cunnane and Adam Rodriquez. My high school sucks.

ED: It's a better claim to fame than striking out against Dustin Hermanson, at least.

ED: The Titans D-backfield figures to be surprisingly good - which, of course, will all be credited to the geniu--SUUUUPER GENIUS of Jeff Fisher just to irritate me. Samari Rolle is one of the best shut down corners you never hear about and strong safety Tank Williams plays up to his perfect football and near-perfect Nashville name. Former high-round Bengal bust Lamont Thompson has matured and rebounded enough to surface as the favorite for the free safety position. Left corner and nickel back are the question marks here, but the Titans have decent enough talent to fill those roles. Any sort of injury to anyone here and the Titans are...ugh...toast, given their lack of depth but, what can you do? No. I'm asking. I'm not a SUUUUPER GENIUS.

BB: What did Jeff Fisher ever do to you?

PR: I still wonder that if June Jones ever replaced Jeff Fisher – would anyone notice?

ED: You mean other than the fact that the Titans actually would have an offense AND Steve McNair would be clinically dead by Week 5? No.

PR: Well, I do think Fisher drives a car better than Jones.

PR: And just to add a little spice up to the end of their preseason, Joe Nedney is out for the season…. again. Plan on Gary Anderson saving the team… again.

ED: Meh. Nothing new here. The Titans always hang around for a playoff spot. The offense will be a problem, especially the running game, but the defense will keep everything close enough for miracles to happen. I can see them getting a wild card spot or just missing out. Either way, enough people are convinced that the Titans have nothing now that Kearse is gone so get ready for more announcers to orally please Jeff Fisher all season when the Titans surprise the stupid by being competitive.

BB: 9-7. 6th wild card spot. Lose in the first round. McNair misses a game with injuries and is hurt all year. How hard is this to understand?

PR: Do you think the Titans are happy about having to play in Green Bay or in Minnesota? Or even better: Week 14 - play at home on Monday Night against Kansas City. Fly cross country to play a 4:15 game in Oakland Week 15. THEN fly back cross country so they can play a SATURDAY, Christmas game against the Broncos Week 16. Nope, the NFL doesn't want the Colts to win this division. Nope not at all.

ED: It was Peyton's wish. Leave the retarded kid alone, already.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
(2003 record: 5-11, missed the playoffs)

Key Additions: CB Juran Bolden, G Mike Compton, LB Greg Favors, S Deon Grant, LB Tommy Hendricks, QB Doug Johnson, OT Ephraim Salaam, CB Lewis Sanders, CB Dewayne Washington, TE Todd Yoder
Key Losses: DE Tony Brackens, QB Mark Brunell, CB Fernando Bryant, LB Danny Clark, CB Jason Craft, WR Kevin Johnson, OL Leander Jordan, G Jamar Nesbit, LB Hugh Douglas

PR: The Jaguars were the subject of the Inside Training Camp special on NFL Network which has me riveted. I could probably overanalyze this team for no apparent reason. Still NFL Network is the greatest channel ever and you should watch this show.

ED: Truth be told, the Jags are the team I now always forget about in the division I've been pretty good at forgetting about since its inception. The Texans are right behind the Jags for most forgettable franchise in the NFL but then I'm always reminded that I'm supposed to remember the Texans because they're new and will be good here soon or something. So kudos to the Jags for becoming invisible! What this has to do with anything, I don't know. I guess it's merely my way of saying that I no longer confuse the Jags with the Panthers and vise versa. Or something. I don't know. Gimme a break. You try doing this division AND the AFC North without it killing your love for football.

PR: Even better is that all the NFL "experts" are randomly grasping for mediocre teams who "surprise" and go to the Super Bowl. For some reason, Jacksonville is the drunken favorite of many. I mean Jack Del Rio had managed to keep the focus of his stupidity off of him thanks to Marty Mo being employeed. Then Marty gets canned and Jack lets his punter play Paul Bunyan. SUPER BOWL BOUND BABY~! Wait, the Super Bowl is in Jacksonville. ALREADY AT THE SUPER BOWL~! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED~!

ED: God I hate myself for fogetting to mention the LumberJags incident.

ED: Ahh, yes, Jack Del Rio, head coach. I remember when he was going to be the greatest linebacker of the 80's. I also remember when Brian Bosworth and every linebacker out of Penn State were going to be the greatest linebacker of the 80's. I am really old. And I'm really struggling to fill space at this point. Let's move along.

BB: You are a little bit younger than Joe Paterno. Be brave Ed.

ED: I recall reading the local newspaper reports of the Bengals draft strategies - hey, a fella has to get his chuckles from something other than the always-hilarious "Cathy" or "Funky Winkerbean" - when they were trying to decide between Carson Palmer and Byron Leftwich. Yeah. Good times, good times. I recall the Bengals openly stating that Leftwich was...umm...well, they didn't call him stupid, per se, but there were...uhh...strong questions about his...umm...how did they "politely" phrase it about black QB's back in the olden days? Couldn't think quickly enough or something? This coming from the Bengals, a notoriously..."intellectually challenged" franchise that has had no qualms about starting Jon Kitna, I will remind you. Anyway, point is, the Bengals buried Leftwich's intelligence to their fanbase mostly, from reading in between the lines, because they didn't want another black QB after Jeff Blake and Akili Smith. Of course, the Bengals didn't even have to do a hatchet job on Leftwich considering Palmer was the Heisman winner and just going the obvious route would have been fine enough. But going out of their way to bury Leftwich and wish for the days when black QB's had the common courtesy to go to the CFL or convert to WR and not muddle the QB landscape made me hope for Leftwich's success in the pros. I still hope for that. But it sure seems like it's going to take a while given the people around him.

PR: Leftwich being kinda dumpy doesn't help. I love Jared Lorenzen as much as the next guy but his diet plan really isn't the one to follow. Are you telling me that NONE of his fellow Thundering Herd can draw up a simple workout schedule?

ED: I take it you've never been to West Virginia, Phil. Salad has not been introduced to that state yet. Well, salad that's not deep-fried, anyway.

BB: The Jaguars somehow got someone to take Mark Brunell off of their hands, which was a really good idea. Leftwich…is a Brunell clone, but the Jaguars don't have the WR corps to work with him.

ED: I see where Del Rio is preaching that the Jags need to go the conservative route on offense and play them some smash mouth football. It ain't pretty and it doesn't excite me, but it tends to work well enough. So, OK. More power to 'em.

PR: I grew up on 80s NFC East football. I Heart Smash Mouth Football more than Jenna hearts Boston Rob. Of course, the huge key to this is that you can't have a dainty running back. You need someone who can be assured of carrying the ball 25-30 times a game with no injuries. Uh-oh…

ED: I would make a comment here about NFC East teams needing big RBs with no injury or fumble history but I don't want to make Phil cry.

ED: In this conversion to the power game, though, the Jags want to go with Fred Taylor as their workhorse. Warning: Will Robinson! Warning: Will Robinson! Warning: Will Robinson! All right, I'll be nice and point out that Taylor's now gone two straight years without missing any games and maybe everyone should bag the "Taylor is fragile" jokes. Fair deal, Taylor is now somewhat durable. Does that now make him a workhorse? Would you bet on it? Anyway, even if the impossible happens and Taylor somehow goes down, the Jags have decent enough depth at back with LaBrandon Toefield and rookie hoss Greg Jones.

PR: The loss of the Fred Taylor groin jokes during fantasy football drafts is something that I am not ready to deal with yet. Kurt Warner is still married to that manly lady right?

ED: Kurt Warner's married to a lady?

ED: And thankfully, their O-line is full of good run blockers, so it might not matter much who runs behind them. So yeah, there are plenty of valid reasons the Jags are going with the smash mouth - especially when you look at...ugh...that receiving corps.

PR: The signing of Ephraim Salaam looks to be a good one as he can play both Tackle positions and has picked them up fairly well.

ED: Jimmy Smith has the age, lack of speed and drug history to warrant himself a spot as a possession receiver on the Raiders or Cowboys rosters. Unfortunately for Jags fans, Smith is their number one receiver. Well, as long as the Jags don't pick up Quincy Carter, I guess.

PR: No go on the Carter pick up. I love me Jimmy Smith. I also love me some Tim Brown. I also loved me some Ed McCaffrey. Sensing a pattern here? Smith's best years are most likely behind him. Keenan McCardell is long gone (though at least he isn't playing for anyone at the moment). I fear Jimmy will be caught in the middle of a wacky Jack Del Rio team motivational tool and his career will come to a quick and sudden end.

ED: Oh yeah. I can see Del Rio having a trash compactor in the parking lot for the players to fool around in. Maybe they could get rid of Hugh Douglas that way too.

PR: Aww… this is even funnier now.

ED: Reggie Williams was picked in the first round to be their future ace receiver and all plans have Williams as a starter beginning now. Rookie WR, eh? Yeah, that tends to work out well.

PR: I tend to agree about rookie wideouts but I think Reggie Williams is going to be a keeper. Now that I have said this, his knee cap is either going to end up five yards away from his leg or he is going to take up Michael Irvin as an idol. I’m sorry I jinxed ya kid.

ED: Behind those two are former Pittsburgh bust Troy Edwards and...umm...eww. A whooooole lot of nothing for Leftwich to throw to. Hey, Kyle Brady is still alive and holding down an NFL job? Awesome! I bet age hasn't hurt those stone hands any. Yeah, this receiving corps can't get any uglier. Poor-poor Byron Leftwich.

BB: There are lots of guys who could earn spots on this lineup. Surely Yancey Thigpen must have nothing to do. Chris Calloway gets lonely on weekends. Shawn Jefferson is hungry for a comeback. Leslie Shepherd is hungry…dude's just hungry. Charles Johnson? Lake Dawson? Len Dawson? Len Berman?

PR: This is why going third sucks. Ed beats me to the Kyle Brady has lousy hands jokes and Bill gets to the Yancey Thigpen reference first. Umm… is Johnny Mitchell still trying to make a comeback with the club? Did they, by chance, sign Curtis Conway?

ED: Lots of T-storms down in Florida. Has Ron Dixon been contacted?

PR: Wait, I did remember I wanted to address something in regards to Kyle Brady. Why has NO ONE brought up the fact that he looks exactly like Flat-Top from Necessary Roughness. The square head, enormous forehead, mouth-breathing, unibrow, everything. I wonder if he can get me Scott Bakula’s autograph

ED: The defense is still trying to rebuild from the ugliness of sal-cap hell. Hey, look, they even kept Hugh Douglas around as a reminder! Wave one of your big checks at your fans, Hugh! Up front, the Jags can stop the run really-really well. Pass rushing, on the other hand...well...Wave one of your big checks at your fans, Hugh! Behind the front line, the Jags have a quick but small bunch of linebackers who can get to pretty much everything. They won't make up for the lack of pass rush, but...well...Wave one of your big checks at your fans, Hugh! In the backfield, Rashean Mathis had an outstanding rookie season and will hold down the right corner spot, while the Jags are really high on almost-jailbird Juran Bolden at left corner. Deon Grant was brought in to solidify safety along-side the disgruntled Donovin Darius. It's a darn good backfield, good enough to run around forever covering receivers to make up for the pass rush that...well... Wave one of your big checks at your fans, Hugh!

PR: Aww…

BB: It's bad when the Eagles make the right decision about you. Really bad.

PR: We shouldn't forget about the chain jerking that the fine Jacksonville front office did to Tony Brackens this offseason. Okay, you aren't going to take a paycut. Hahahaha, couldn't find a job anywhere else. Okay, no hard feelings, we will sign you back. PSYCH! We are going to release you again.

ED: Yeah, there's a perfectly good reason I always forget about the Jags. Soooooo boring. At the very-very best, this is an 8-8 team. But they ARE making moves in the positive direction. It'll take a little while until they're good again and by that time Hugh Douglas will be but a bad memory, but for now - faith, little Jags fans. Faith.

BB: I don't think the Jags are even an 8-8 team. They have good lines – even after the Boselli retirement and the Douglas…disaster but the Fred Taylor injury spectre is just too bright.

PR: Nuts to you guys. SUPER BOWL BOUND~! THEY HAVE TO BE. THEY WERE TERRIBLE LAST YEAR! PARITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ED: End Note - after we spent days raking Hugh Douglas over the coals Nise Brian Billick goes and cuts him. We would flip Del Rio's hammock if we could.

HOUSTON TEXANS
(2003 record: 5-11, missed the playoffs)

Key Additions: TE Mark Bruener, LB DaShon Polk, DT Robaire Smith, OT Todd Wade
Key Losses: LB Charlie Clemons, RB Greg Comella, LB Steve Foley, TE Rashod Kent, RB Stacey Mack, DT Steve Martin, QB Mike Quinn, OT Greg Randall, LB Armegis Spearman, E-5 Drew Henson

ED: It's become quite the trendy thing to pick a team to be the big out-of-nowhere surprise a la last year's Panthers or Cowboys or, to a lesser extent, Bengals. And while yaneverknow in this here fluky NFL (ARTIFICAL PARITY~!), the Texans are getting some attention from "experts" as a surprise team to be reckoned with. Of course, I've also seen some "experts" pick the Broncos to win the Super Bowl. So...umm...whatever.

PR: Aww.. crap. I probably should have read all of Ed's stuff before mentioning that Jax was a trendy pick. Oh well – it's the AFC South: a two team division and neither Jax or Houston are those teams.

ED: I still stick with my assertion that, over their careers, Joey Harrington will be the better QB than David Carr. I don't know why I think that, but I do. I'm guessing it has more to do with the blank, cult-member look in Carr's eyes and his Kitna-esque Jesus freaking than anything Harrington's shown me. Of course, I'm a fool, so take anything I say with a wheelbarrow fulla salt. That's not to say that Carr's a bad QB or that he won't be the better QB this year. Carr's got a gun, has good strength and size and, more importantly, he has better talent around him right now. But I'm sticking with Harrington career-long because I'm not only an idiot, I'm a stubborn idiot.

BB: Is it okay if I say that I think Mike McMahon will be a better QB than either of those two guys? Or is?

ED: Is that something Matt Millen made you say to keep him from questioning your sexuality? If so, that's OK.

ED: To help Carr, the Texans have stud-to-be Andre Johnson and lesser-talents Corey Bradford and Jabar Gaffney at receiver. This sure ain't the Colts. Johnson will be a star for years to come while the other two are...not...extremely special. Bradford can fly but isn't afraid to disappear. Gaffney could become an ideal possession receiver but he too isn't afraid to vanish in the middle of a game either. Getting some semblance of consistency out of the lesser two and adding TE Billy Miller more into the mix could make the Texans passing game a nice little surprise. If the Texans want to do much with the passing game, that is.

BB: All I can think of is that ESPN commercial where Carr is taking the snap with no offensive linemen. Ah, when ESPN is clever. So few and far between, little precious moments.

PR: At least, Carr realized "If I take a two step drop and throw the ball immediately I won't get sacked 59834 times". And so the record 70 something sacks dropped down to 15 last year. It's like watching someone playing a game of Madden where they know they are just going to throw screens all day long because the defense likes to overpersue.

ED: Dom Capers loves him some running game. And with Domanick Davis handling the ball, keeping it on the ground isn't a terrible thing. He's a strong, bruising back who doesn't shy away from a hit. But because of that, Davis is a touch on the Fred Taylor--Dang. Can't make that joke. Davis is a bit on the fragile side and that's where the questions come in. Tony Hollings is supposedly the back-up for Davis and...that's...well, that's nothing great. Fortunately, the Texans are getting a good little O-line in place to help out Davis - and, in turn, Carr. So yeah, they'll be running the ball hell or high-water. I can see the two Jags-Texans games ending in negative points the way the two teams are built. I've never been more thankful about living in the Midwest.

BB: What about when Sean Casey signed his contract extension?

ED: Amazingly, that's a very distant...ohhh....last.

ED: Man, the 3-4 defense has become such the hip thing these days, hasn't it? Tres chic! The Texans are thinking their D-line will be among the best in football. It's nice to be optimistic, I hear. I wouldn't know. But being optimistic can often be another way of showing that you have no grasp of reality. That, I'm familiar with. I'm not certain where the Texans are in that paradigm. Robaire Smith was a nice pick up and he'll eat alive the running game on the right side. Getting left end Gary Walker and nose tackle Seth Payne healthy for this season will determine if the Texans are sad little dreamers or the real thing. I have no idea, myself.

PR: If the Texans beat the Titans, I am sure we will hear lots of stories about how is was because Robaire Smith told them all the plays and signals and whatnot. Yup, the sole reason why.

BB: Gary Walker is one of those guys who, whenever I see him, plays awesome. I'm not sure why he doesn't get talked up more as a great DL.

ED: Well, being injury-prone takes away from one's ability to get hype. Generally.

ED: I DO really believe in the Texans linebackers though. They're all fast, hard-hitting guys who figure to be among the best units in the league. Their main weakness has been in the pass rush, which is a BIG problem in a 3-4 scheme. But the addition of rookie Jason Babin to the left side is supposedly the Texans key piece. We'll see, I guess. The fact that Jamie Sharper got NO attention for his really-really-really friggin' great year last year while some linebackers who are good in knife fights get on video game boxes proves that the terrorists HAVE won. Or something.

PR: Oh yeah, you don't think Charlie Casserly wasn't drooling over the idea of constantly making his former employers look back. Signing Jamie Sharper was the first step. I am kinda surprised he didn't get Champ Bailey from the Skins and his good buddy Joe Gibbs for like Aaron Glenn. I am guessing Dan Snyder and Vinnie Cerrato just never let Gibbs answer the phone. And if Spurrier was still there, the deal would have been Bailey for Gaffney in a heart beat. Aww… that made me feel better.

ED: C'mon, you think Snyder wouldn't have wet himself over a Bailey-Glenn deal?

BB: Jamie Sharper is awesome in Madden if it makes you feel any better – he was the core of my franchise for its first four seasons. Ah, 2012.

PR: Oh before, I forget. I also love Casserly because he smartly grabbed the rights to Drew Henson and then was able to move him to a team that Henson was willing to abandon baseball to play for. That means a) he is no longer on the Yankees b) he can submarine the hated Cowboys. I need to send that man a basket of porn or something.

ED: Yeah. Getting Drew Henson out of baseball so he couldn't air mail any more baseballs into the section for the poor, defenseless disabled kids at Clippers games WAS the best move of the offseason.

ED: At corner, rookie Dunta Robinson is getting some serious hype as the new Ty Law but with a mean streak and a desire to rip heads off. Ya gotta like that. But we'll see how long the NFL puts up with his bloodlust. At the other corner, Aaron Glenn has been a good corner for ages but he's a touch on the fragile side now and, most importantly, he's as old as me. And while being ancient like me is nothing to be happy about, the Texans are proud to call him a VETERAN PRESENCE~! Why that doesn't work for me, I don't know. Safeties Marcus Coleman and Eric Brown are nice little innocuous sorta filler guys who...you know, have a pulse. Meh. There are worse things in life than the Texans secondary. That's not necessarily a compliment, mind you.

BB: Like…say…the Colts secondary.

PR: I feel kinda bad. As a friend, I really should have been their when Ed wrote that last paragraph. You know, where he realized that it was only half serious that there are guys in the NFL who are his age and are considered old by some. That must have been a real sobering thing… or moment to get as far away from sober as possible. And don't think that I dread that moment every day of my life. I fear five years from now when I am only younger than Tony Banks, Stanley Pritchett, and, of course, Morten Anderson.

ED: C'mon, Phil. I am a Raider fan. I won't consider myself old until the Raiders consider someone my age to be too old. Then I'll want to die.

ED: How much of a surprise this team will be really rests in the secondary and the lessers of the receiving unit. There's a good amount of talent here for a three year old team. Enough to make them threaten going .500 this season. A bit more luck than they had last year and .500 is a pretty good bet. How much of a surprise a young team with this much decent talent going .500 should be is up to you to believe. But you know Chris Berman will bellow ad nauseam about what a shock the Texans are. Feel free to kick out your TV or kick in Berman's head when that happens.

BB: I am thinking they'll be this year's Bengals, going on a end-of-season winning streak and probably going 8-8 and missing the playoffs. Please someone kill Chris Berman. I'll put in $25.

ED: I'll put in whatever is in my pathetic 401K.

PR: BTW, the Texans have probably one of the weirdest scheduling quirks I have ever seen (this probably happens all the time, but I am not letting the facts get in the way of a good story). Out of 16 games, all of them are on Sunday (no Thursday, Saturday and, obviously, no Monday) and only two games don't start at 1 PM EST (a late afternoon game when they play in Denver and a Sunday night game at Green Bay). This means absolutely nothing but I really having nothing else to say about this team.

ED: That's right up there with a Chris Berman useless draft-fact if there ever was one.

PR: I am a helper.

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