2004 MLB ALL-STAR GAME (
by Phil Rippa and Ed Agner
PR: The desire
to write about the dog and pony show that is the MLB All-Star is pulsing
through my veins at about 4 percent right now but I feel a certain obligation,
especially with the high hanging fastballs that the entire evening presents. I
mean it's a Buck/McCarver game that only provides
countless material. I will try to talk Bill and Ed into helping out since I
figure between the three of us, we will watch 7 innings. OH! 2004
World Series of Poker. Okay okay. I will warn
you that this might start out in some semblance of an order but that will stop
once other things on TV start to interest me.
BB: Lets just
say that I will happily debate with you all day the strategy of Daniel Negreanu versus the amateur. I wont be appearing in your
picture for the rest of this one.
ED: The AS game is a tough sell to even me. I mean, I am a complete baseball dork and I
haven't seen an AS game all the way through since...I dunno. Shoot, maybe never. Mostly, it's the timing of the event that has
always sucked for me as, when I was a kid and actually had an interest in the
game - since living in Reds country meant getting too many crappy Reds games
and the Saturday Game Of The Week was all about giving me more Cardinals,
Dodgers and Mets games than I could stand, thusly making the American League
all kinds of exotic, really - it always seemed like I had a ball game on the
same night and I'd get home just in time to see Alvin Davis' annual late-inning
AS AB before I zonked out. Now that I
can see any game I want - or at least more games than just the Reds and the
usual suspects - the point of me paying any attention to the AS game is
gone. So, I turn it on, knowing it will
just serve to make my blood pressure rise thanks to the idiots at FOX~! I have no idea why the casual fan even tries
to watch this mess - if they do - but I'm guessing pimping it like the past
60-some-odd AS games were half-assed efforts isn't a great marketing trick.
PR: Yeesh
Jeanie Zelasko AND the
horrible production quality of Fox with the mind-numbingly bad Blues Brothers
promos (which is really bad when factored in with the fact that I don't like
the Blues Brothers there I said it.)
ED: Ehh. The Blues
Brothers was..ehh. I know people who recite lines from it the
way geeks recite lines from all other movies I usually know nothing about, but
I don't care enough to hate it like I do those types of cult movies - Caddyshack, being the biggest offender. The music - non-Blues Brothers, of course -
is great. All that said, trying to
present Joe Torre and Jack McKeon as Blues Brothers
was...typical of FOX~! I guess.
PR: Zelasko has done something insane with her hair (like she
slaughtered Jessica Simpson and is wearing her scalp as a momento)
and I laugh and laugh and laugh as I decide to skip the rest of the pre-game
show.
ED: I turned the channel for a sec and flip it
back to see... a porn star? What the
hell? Did the cable company screw
up? I did not order the Spice
Channel...did I? Oh, it's Jeanie. Well, OK.
Umm...OK. Keep your feet on the
floor please, Jeanie.
ED: Fantasia something from AMERICAN IDOL~! sang that National Anthem and had me praying for death for a
longer period of time than even my last dental visit.
PR: Before I can
turn on my PS2, they wheel out a fat guy with Nolan Ryan to throw baseball
through a circle for $10,000. I really can't put into words what a farce this
was as big as Eric Gregg's ass but the chubby fellow couldn't master the toss
so he was all sorts of wild which is appropriate since he was coached by
Nolan - and just when the Astros fans started to get restless (perhaps thinking
they were just watching another Clemens Start) he gets four through the circle
to win the total. But it gets better as Zelasko has
to sprint out to the mound to interview this landmass. Now do you understand
what I was talking about with high hanging curveballs?
ED: For me, the biggest AS pre-game fiasco was
the one a couple of years ago in Milwaukee - a.k.a. the tie game - when they
had a opening ceremony where Willie Mays and Hank Aaron were kept under a tarp
in left field for what seemed like hours and, when revealed, were attacked by
these little evil-looking kids with ball bat-candle dealies. I remember watching that from a bar in
Manhattan (ahh, gray collar employment) and looking
around to see everyone aghast at Bud Selig's hellion
troops trying to smother and beat Willie Mays to death. Yeah, I laughed REAL hard at that. My mom called me right before this years'
fiasco started and the enormous dude's first throw was...well, it would be an
insult to women to call it a girl's throw.
It was the throw of a guy who was forced to play little league by his
father and, instead of flat out hating the sport and ditching it completely,
decided to give the sport a shot - even though he had no physical aptitude for
any sport - and found that he liked to keep score rather than play and cursed
the existence of the two-inning must-play rule where he'd be completely exposed
as a guy who held the bat with the wrong grip, wore his watch at all times,
kept the bill of his hat completely flat instead of cool-kid curved and, of
course, threw so badly that even the little girls in the stands laughed at
him. I think I caused my mom to go deaf
as I bleated out a laugh at the guy's first throw. I'm certain I saw Nolan Ryan crack a smile. And then the guy proceeds to win the million
bucks. Frustrated ex-jocks throughout
the nation grind their teeth.
PR: The
enjoyable thing about the game being in Houston is thinking about things like
"Which OF will blow out his knee running up the hill?" "Will
someone impale themselves on the flag pole?" "Will it start to rain
and no one will close the roof?" (Of course, I soon realize that they have
the roof closed which starts the building of another rant. Grr
)
But most of all, I am waiting for Jimy Williams to run out onto the field in
the middle of the game, stripping off articles of clothing, possibly after dousing
himself in water, screaming "I AM MAD AS HELL AND I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE
IT ANYMORE!" That should keep me going for a half inning.
ED: Jimy Williams getting a rousing round of boos
from his home crowd tells ya all you needed to know
about his job security. Eight hours
later, he can't even complain about NAFTA taking his job.
ED: Muhammad Ali coming out with the kids to
throw out the first pitch was nice. I
have no idea what that had to do with anything, but it was nice. Ali throwing jabs at Jeter probably had too
many people in Boston way too excited.
Personally, I was hoping Ali would take on Giambi so we could have an
Aliens-like scene of Ali fighting off the parasite sprouting out of Giambi's
belly or something.
PR: Joe Buck
immediately pisses me off by spouting off about how "no one knew who Hank
Blalock was last year" which was just
wrong. Any baseball fan who is
actually willing to watch the All-Star game, let alone that long into the AS
game is enough a baseball fan to know who the hell Blalock was. I guess Joe
didn't know him because he wasn't from St. Louis. Ah the anger has arrived
early.
ED: That was probably the 7th or 8th time that
night where I asked - Why does everyone at FOX~! hate
baseball so much?
PR: The game
starts with some a humorous fielding attempt by Sammy Sosa as Ichiro smacks a
ball into the right field corner for a leadoff double. Of course, Fox is too
busy patting themselves on the back for all their hidden cameras, that we don't
get a replay. HA! Pudge Rodriguez hits one into the same exact place that Sosa
was out of place for so the AL jumps out to a quick 1-0 lead. Maybe Sammy will
realize that he needs to shift some to the right now.
PR: Awww
all the pre-game hype about Roger Clemens and he is
getting smacked around. Manny Ramirez hits a laser into the left field seats to
get the AL out even further. This allows McCarver to
jump all over the Clemens/Piazza not being familiar with each other angle. I,
instead, get distracted by A-Rod's white cleats. Then Jeff Kent makes an error.
Man, Houston fans are getting ready to slit their throats. I am figuring that
management will figure out a way to blame Jimy Williams. Wow, Soriano hits a
three run home run as its 6-0 and the top half of the first is not over yet.
Thankfully for the Rocket, Mark Mulder is the ninth
batter so the inning finally ends.
ED: And the conspiracy theories begin. I actually heard ESPNews
talk about how Piazza was going to let ICHIRO~! know
what the first pitch was going to be so he could single -oops! - then, when ICHIRO~! inevitably
would try to steal second, Piazza would hit Clemens in the butt - with the
throw, that is. At that point I realized
that I could never work at ESPN no matter how overqualified I would be (being
overqualified there is, of course, a matter of merely able to form coherent
thoughts), since: 1) I couldn't have even pretended to kill time by giving any
credence to that conspiracy without calling the person who told me that a
complete and utter fool, thereby angering Peter Gammons, the guy who, of
course, passed on that theory; 2) I couldn't help but chuckle like Beavis and
Butthead when I would get to the part about Piazza hitting a man in the butt;
and 3) I've seen Mike Piazza throw, no way I could tell that story without
putting in some editorial words about "somehow like blind squirrels
finding acorns" before I got to the part about Piazza hitting anyone with
a throw on purpose. ANYWAY - the new
theory is that Piazza called pitches that he KNEW were obviously going to be
hit, thus getting Clemens back. Right,
if that's the case, what's Piazza's beef with the entire Mets pitching staff,
then? Meh. Must that stupid topic continue, really? If Piazza really does hate Clemens like the
media reports, why doesn't he just be a man about it and start a fight with
Clemens in a back alley somewhere? OK,
so Piazza approaching Clemens in a back alley may...have different connotations
than what I mean but...aww, skip it.
PR: AWESOME!
Fox's production is so bad that when the top of the first finally ends, that
annoying talking baseball thingy Scooter I believe starts talking for some
reason even though its not on camera. So Scooter is
basically trying to upstage Joe Buck. That is comedy right there. I am
surprised McCarver didn't try to hone in on the
action too.
ED: And at that point, no matter how stupid I
thought/think Scooter is, I realized I would listen to him all night over Buck
and McCarver.
PR: Bonds gets
pitched to but flies out to center. I am certain that countless idiots in the
Minute Maid crowd turn to their buddies or son and drunkenly declare "He
ain't so good." Oh yeah, we all know it happened.
ED: Bill James
points out that Craig Biggio wouldn't have popped out.
PR: I don't know
what I am more ashamed about. That it took me a half an inning to realize that
the grounds crew had carved out some sort of crop circle on the base paths or
that George and Barbara Bush were sitting right behind home plate. I keep
waiting for Barbara to answer her cell phone and start waving frantically.
ED: Oh yeah.
That might have actually saved the early innings, actually.
PR: I am going
to leave the Ivan Rodriquez loves Yanni crap to Ed
and Bill. I have blood pouring out of my ears.
ED: No thanks.
I tired of that in last year's WS.
It wasn't funny then, it's old now.
PR: McCarver gets into the "you might not be familiar
act" by talking about Mulder's win total and I
starting to wonder if the jail term would be worth cracking their two skulls.
For the love of God, can someone please tell them that insulting the fans that
are watching the game is not the best way to keep TV ratings on the rise. You can simple say "Mark Mulder
is the winningest pitcher since 2001" and all
the casual fans will understand. Don't point out what they might not know.
Making people feel dumb for watching a sport is idiotic. Stupid
smarmy bastards.
ED: Yeah, anyone at FOX~! trying
to pimp themselves as being smarter than anyone is...peculiar. I mean, FOX~! is not
exactly the home of masterpiece theater, ya
know. I think this MIGHT have come right
after the first commercial I saw for the upcoming FOX~! stroke
of genius - Trading Spouses. Yes, a reality show about wife swapping. For the first of maybe 700 times that night I
ponder how a network that panders puerile and demeaning and damn-near soft core
porn crap to the lowest common denomonator also has a
news channel that is the voice for the conservative right and religious
self-righteous. Oh yeah, it's all in the
Aryan hosts and hostesses, I forgot. Joe
Buck is very Aryan.
Tim McCarver really needs to think bleach when
he goes in to get that thing on his head colored again.
BB: I will note
here that Trading Spouses was a skit on the first season of Chappelle Show. A skit. Now
its an actual show.
ED: Of course, because OHIO is a SWING STATE~! the commercial for Trading Spouses is followed up with #25
of 700 John Kerry commercials - about 300 less than the George Bush commercials
- and I wonder if my coffee table is less wooden than John Kerry. I also ponder voting for Nader
since he is the only one of the presidential chuckleheads not spoiling EVERY
show I might ever want to watch between now and November. God I hate them both.
PR: I am still
having a hard time full grasping the concept of Luis Sojo
on the field at an All-Star game. Are we sure he is supposed to be there and he
didn't crash the gate? What's next Damien Jackson? Enrique Wilson? Jose Vizcano? Bobby Meachem? Alvaro
Espinoza?
ED: Well, Steve Lyons probably wasn't too far
away, either.
PR: For some
reason TIVO has the block that this game is going to fill as being from
PR: Jason Giambi
fawning over Barry Bonds shoes is going to be one of the lasting highlights for
me from this evening.
ED: And here is where McCarver
is muted by most of
PR: They are
doing an on field ceremony for Roger Clemens? Geez, that won't be too
uncomfortable. It also raises the chances that after I change the channel I
won't be coming back. Buck drops the word literally about 49 times while
broadcasting from the first row of the stands.
ED: I have no idea what the hell that was all
about. I turned the channel after the
last out of that inning only to turn in back in time to see the end of that
ceremony. At least they weren't trying
to kill Willie Mays, I guess.
PR:
ED: Round on both ends, HI in the middle!
PR: Man, David
Ortiz hits a ball into the middle of next week.
ED: Oh yeah.
I would have felt bad about the poor schmucks in the crowd faced with
having to stop that screamer except it went into the press row. And really, giving a reporter a possible head
injury is a good thing.
PR: If there is
one other manager in the National League other than Dusty Baker who attacks
young pitchers arms and souls, it is Jack McKeon. Who else could have let Carl Pavano throw 33 pitches in one inning of All-Star game
relief? You think one of the hurlers who didn't get into the game would have
been willing to come in and get one out?
ED: I want to make a Who's
The Boss? joke, but I can't think of one right now.
PR: Carlos
Guillen being the only position player to not play makes me giggle because it
had to some sort of payback for Torre having to
listen to Alan Trammell beg him to put Guillen on the team. Of course, if the
squad didn't have 58 SS, Guillen would have found the time to play. Or maybe if
Torre hadn't given Alfonso Soriano THREE at-bats
(yeah, he went 3-3 but still). Guillen should have played before say Miguel
Tejada, who already had his All-Star fun.
ED: Ehh, pretty much
after the Ortiz shot I realized the game was decided so I tried not to pay much
attention. Right about the 6th inning
when I realized Alvin Davis wasn't going to get an AB I let the eyes go shut. Next thing I knew, a COPS rerun was on and it
was like
PR: My dislike
for Curt Schilling expands by leaps and bounds. Lordy,
does he yap and yap and yap. I wonder if he criticized Manny for coming out of
the game after only 2 at-bats. I still am trying to fully wrap my head around
Peter Gammons' "Schilling should have been the
ED: Meh. Schilling's gonna call you out for not having
the guts to listen to him talk - or something.
I missed it and I don't care one way or other. Poor li'l
albino.