AFC EAST
ED: Grumble-grumble.
Listed
in order of 2004 finish. For those who have no reading comprehension
skills…THIS IS NOT A PREDICTION FOR 2005!!!
2004 record: 14-2
Won AFC East. Won Super Bowl over the
ADDITIONS: LB Monty Beisel; LB Chad Brown; WR Andre Davis
DEPARTURES: OG
Joe Andruzzi; QB Rohan Davey; OT Adrian Klemm; CB Ty Law; WR David Patten; LB Roman Phifer;
DT Keith Traylor; LB Ted Johnson; LB Tedy Bruschi; RB/KR Chad Morton
ED: Cannot. Talk. Rationally. Through. Hate.
PR: Just focus on Bruschi. He needs your strength to play. Oh wait... that might not help.
ED: This is what I
know from Peter King: Tom Brady is the
greatest QB ever. Bill Belichick is the greatest coach ever (ignore the
PR: Peter King definitely strikes me as someone who could help me understand complex carbohydrates.
ED: Defense! Something-something. Win with defense! Something-something. Boring football! Something-something. Yay, defense! Something-something. Yawn.
PR: Aww… the coordinators left. Charlie
Weis was so huge and irreplaceable,
ED: God I hate the Patriots.
PR: And you know hate Bill Simmons just like Bill and me. My work is done.
ED: Phil will have to bail this out since I’m not allowed to work blue. Friggin’ overrated Pats.
PR: We have no worries if Brady gets hurt (of course, since Brady is no mere mortal he will never get hurt) the perfect backup is ready. ROHAN DAVEY!!! HE WILL LEAD US OUT OF THE DARKNESS!!! Oh wait… sorry that memo was dated last year.
PR: You know what the Patriots were missing? That’s right. More white guys. Bring on Tim Dwight and Doug Flutie and Monty Beisel. See… it is brilliant. When it snows during the playoff games in January, they will blend in, making them HARD TO SEE! Only a genius could come up with a scheme as ingenious as that.
PR: Corey Dillon helped finally provided some stability to
the running game last year. So this year, he is expected to continue to improve
and listen to the brow beatings from Tom Brady because only a late round pick
out of
ED: The [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s defense was strong last year. Finishing near the top of pretty much of every defensive category. [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s pretty much carried the team to their [INSERT RECORD OF AFC EAST TEAM] while boring the crap out of every fan of the [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]. “Defense wins championships!!!” says [INSERT NAME OF HEAD COACH OF AFC EAST TEAM], “offense only sells tickets.”
PR: It was interesting that it became apparent that
ED: Brady fumbled.
PR: And you know hate Bill Simmons just like Bill and me. My work is done.
A TYPICAL DAY OF TRAINING
New England Patriots rookie G Logan Mankins
9:00 AM – Morning practice. Consists of learning how to:
· Play other people’s positions
· Deflect (praise towards Tom Brady, blitzers away. Praise TOWARDS, blitzers AWAY)
· Not talk to the media
· Throw the first pitch out at Fenway
· Deflect (praise towards Bill Belicheck, autograph seekers away. Praise TOWARDS, stupid kids AWAY)
· Not be an offensive coordinator
who is having phone sex with his girlfriend and loudly yelling…you know.
2004 Record: 10-6
Won Wild Card. Wide left and right in the playoffs
ADDITIONS: RB
Derrick Blaylock; OT Ethan Brooks; WR Lav Coles; QB
Jay Fiedler; CB Pete Hunter; TE Doug Jolley; DL Lance
Legree, CB Ty Law
DEPARTURES: CB Donnie Abraham; TE Anthony Becht;
PK Doug Brien; LB Sam Cowart; DT Josh Evans; NT Jason
Ferguson; P Toby Gowin; RB LaMont
Jordan; ORT Kareem McKenzie; WR Santana
Moss; S Reggie Tongue; CB Ray Mickens
ED: The Jets are the eternally middling team. One step forward, two back, three-side-to side. They’re smart/lucky enough not to be, say, the Raiders or Redskins. But they aren’t lucky enough to be in a crappy division that they could dominate with the strange sort of lukewarm approach towards putting a team together. Nor are they smart enough to put all of the pieces together all at once. So they just sort of get by, sort of contend, occasionally make the playoffs and then mix it all up again with no real set plan. It’s sort of how I play chess, really. There’s no plan or strategy and when I get beat I just shrug it off, learning nothing and then try the same sort of randomness all over again.
ED: So, you’re QB is not too bad. Much like most of the current crop of QB’s, he has a rag arm and isn’t the healthiest guy in the world, but he can get the job done. But what do you do? That’s right, you let your starting left tackle leave. You decide to ride one more season with a aged RB, let your productive back-up RB leave and you replace your so-so #1 WR with his doppelganger. No, the Jets are not going to score a lot of points.
PR: I do like the idea that Pennington and Coles had far
better chemistry than Pennington and Moss ever developed. Whether that is
anything more than spin is yet to be seen. The Jets do still have WAYNE
CHREBET! HOFSTRA! WHITE! IRRATIONAL LOVE! Losing LaMont
ED: On the bright side, the Jets did dump the waste of skin known as Quincy Carter. Replacing him with Jay Fiedler is…well, it’s a…sort of shuffle-step forward. One MIGHT have enticed, oh, I don’t know…RICKY RAY!!! to stay on board to be your back-up. But then, if you knew what you were doing with back-up QB’s, Ricky Ray would have been getting the playing time over Carter last season. I really should just end that battle, shouldn’t I?
PR: Other QBs who would have been better than Quincy Carter or Jay Fiedler: Henry Burris, Joe Hamilton, Ted White, Jason White, Timmy Chang, Tommy Chang, Ken O’Brien, Dave Kreig, Michael Bishop, Browning Neagle, Rodney Peete, Pat Ryan, Warren Moon, Damon Allen, Jason Garrett, the Burger King King, Anthony Calvillo, me.
ED: Drafting a kicker in the second round. Boy. I mean, my team drafted one in the first round and I’ve never been happy about that. No wonder Jets fans go to the draft just to boo.
PR: And from THE
ED: Defense! Something-something. Win with defense! Something-something. Boring football! Something-something. Yay, defense! Something-something. Yawn.
ED: The Jets scored big last year when all of the previously-fragile guys up front stayed mostly healthy. Banking on that good health to be a trend and not a fluke is an iffy proposition. But hey, the Jets are banking on a lot of iffy propositions this year. What’s one more?
ED: God, the Jets secondary was the place where old, spent corners go to die last year. Terrell Buckley and Reggie Tongue? Eww. The corpse of Ty Law should feel comfortable there I guess.
PR: Well in general, this is the second straight year of the Jets “lets completely blow up our defense and see what happens”. Clearly none of the pickups were focused on stopping anything though.
ED: The Jets at least aren’t kidding themselves. They aren’t trying to knock down the Patriots, just compete for another Wild Card. Since the second-tier teams in the AFC aren’t a strong lot, this isn’t far-fetched. Of course, with the Jets declining on offense, asking for the defense to stand alone and carry to team to the playoffs is an iffy proposition. Again, the Jets are banking on a lot of iffy propositions this year. What’s one more no matter how large it is?
PR: Of course, you would have thought that maybe they would have focus on something like… clock management. But nope – it’s a rookie kicker. That’s what will win us the conference.
ED: The [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s defense was strong last year. Finishing near the top of pretty much of every defensive category. [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s pretty much carried the team to their [INSERT RECORD OF AFC EAST TEAM] while boring the crap out of every fan of the [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]. “Defense wins championships!!!” says [INSERT NAME OF HEAD COACH OF AFC EAST TEAM], “offense only sells tickets.”
A TYPICAL DAY OF TRAINING
New York Jets rookie K Mike Nugent
9:00 AM – Morning practice. Consists of learning how to:
· Miss 40 yard game-winning field goals on grass
· Deflect (praise towards Chad Pennington, tough game situations away. Praise TOWARDS, tough games AWAY)
· Be seen without being heard
· Miss 40 yard game-winning field goals on turf
· Deflect (praise towards Herman Edwards, clock management responsibilities away. Praise TOWARDS, clock control AWAY)
· Be a valuable second round pick while being totally fungible at the same exact time
11:00 PM – Fall asleep, dream of kicking game-winning 38 yard field goal for Buckeyes against Michi…oops. Kicking game-winning 42 yard field goal for Jets against Patriots in AFC Championship Game. Since everyone knows the Jets have no hope of winning a Super Bowl.
2004 Record: 9-7
Missed
the playoffs
ADDITIONS: OG
Bennie Anderson; OT Mike Gandy; QB Kelly Holcomb; OT Greg Jerman;
RB ReShard Lee
DEPARTURES: QB Drew Bledoe; RB Dante Brown; RB
Travis Henry; OT Jonas Jennings; S Pierson Prioleau;
FS Izell Reese; DT Pat Williams
ED: Two new hotnesses in the NFL – converting failed college basketball
players into football players and giving the starting reigns to second year QB’s with little-to-no playing experience. I’ve heard nothing about the Bills converting
Scooney Penn into a scat back but there is J.P. Losman who’s all the rage these days. Granted, stepping into Drew Bledsoe’s shoes
at this point is the equivalent of whoever replaces me when I finally snap and
go on a
PR: Aww… that could have quite easily have been Mark Bellhorn. And yes, I will wonder why the temp they hire to replace Ed has to go to so much training too.
ED: The safest
prognostication we can make: odds are even that Willis McGahee
goes down with another knee injury now that Travis Henry is off to
PR: Then
ED: WARNING! Eric Moulds is entering an odd-numbered year. Again, Eric Moulds is entering an odd-numbered year. You have been warned, Bills fans.
ED: Hey! Make a wish on Josh Reed’s falling star.
PR: Hehehehe, I wonder if Reed randomly throws things in Lee Evans way in hopes of somehow moving up the depth chart.
ED: Defense! Something-something. Win with defense! Something-something. Boring football! Something-something. Yay, defense! Something-something. Yawn.
PR: Sam Adams is a really really large man. And a tasty tasty beverage.
ED: Remember when the AFC East was a shoot-out conference? A long-long-long time ago the Bills and Dolphins and Jets used to win with AFL scores. You know, back when it was Marino and Kelly and…well, OK. The Jets never used to win. Same with the Pats. But you know what I mean. Now we are stuck looking at college football scores, boring offenses and supposedly stifling defenses. See, back in myyyyyy day…aww, leave me alone. And get the hell off of my lawn too.
PR: You act like the Jets were always coached by Rich Kottite.
ED: There is no question the Football God’s hate me. None at all. So if they didn’t want to hate me for once – no, I’m not talking long shot, Brady busted for having a pit of little boys under his house or Raiders finishing .500 kind of miracle – the Bills would win this stinking division. Mostly because I want the Pats to have to go on the road in the playoffs so they can’t get any sort of tuck rule calls. But the Bills won’t score enough points to win this division. The Football Gods are dead. That’s right! They are all dead to me! Dead! Meh. The longer this preview process goes, the darker we will get.
ED: The [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s defense was strong last year. Finishing near the top of pretty much of every defensive category. [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s pretty much carried the team to their [INSERT RECORD OF AFC EAST TEAM] while boring the crap out of every fan of the [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]. “Defense wins championships!!!” says [INSERT NAME OF HEAD COACH OF AFC EAST TEAM], “offense only sells tickets.”
A TYPICAL DAY OF TRAINING
9:00 AM – Morning practice. Consists of learning how to:
· Hand off and pitch to McGahee
· Deflect (praise towards Willis McGahee, blocking duties away. Praise TOWARDS, linebackers AWAY)
·
Avoid 30 year old fat
· Toss and run the draw with McGahee
· Deflect (praise towards Eric Moulds, any reasonably good cornerback away. Praise TOWARDS, shutdown corners AWAY)
·
Seek out and find nubile SUNY:
2004 Record: 4-12
Missed
the playoffs
ADDITIONS: DE
Kevin Carter; CB Mario Edwards; FB Heath Evans; QB Gus Frerotte;
DE Vonnie Holliday; S Tebucky
Jones; OT Stockar McDougle;
LB Donnie Spragan; S Travares
Tillman; DT Keith Traylor; S Lance Schulters, RB
Ricky Williams
DEPARTURES: DT Tim Bowens; QB Jay Fiedler; S Arturo Freeman; LB Morlon Greenwood; SS Sammy Knight; FB Rob Konrad; DT Bryan Robinson; CB Patrick Surtain;
DE Jay Williams
ED: I gotta admit, watching the Dolphins suffer the past several years has been a real joy. I will not try to BS you there.
PR: I more enjoyed when they would start out hot and then figure out creative ways to miss the playoffs. That was far more entertaining.
ED: For an organization so boring and mediocre, the Dolphins sure do get a lot of press. Oh sure, most of that has been on the coaching change and the return of Ricky Williams, but man, that’s a helluva lot of press just to make snarky remarks about college coaches in the pros and the obligatory pot jokes.
ED: Matt Leinart
will love
PR: Matt Leinary golfs?
ED: See, to me the
return of Ricky Williams isn’t even half as interesting as the return of David
Boston.
PR:
ED: Ahh, AJ Feeley. See the Bears piece to properly put in context how big of a disaster that trade was compared to Dave Wandstedt’s track record.
ED: Can we PLEASE get
Randy McMichael in
ED: Defense! Something-something. Wi—...err…Defense! Defense! Something-something. Boring football! Something-something. Yay, defense! Something-something. Whoops.
ED: Not so fast there with the whole defense bit. The Fins were next to last in the league in rushing yards allowed/game. When your run defense is worse than the Raiders, you have accomplished something. Good thing Zach Thomas is the best LB ever or else the run defense would really have sucked.
PR: Jason Taylor is sad. He must not get along with Junior Seau… oops better not jump jokes.
ED: Someone needs to
get Junior Seau out of
ED: You gotta like Nick Saban. “Hmm, all my QB’s are belong to suck. How can we make sure we can get Matt Leinart next year? Hmm. Well, at best, we win 6 games next year. Let’s not risk it. Our defense didn’t suck too badly last year. Let’s get rid of our entire defense! Mmm, Matt Leinart! You will be mine!”
ED: The [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s defense was strong last year. Finishing near the top of pretty much of every defensive category. [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]’s pretty much carried the team to their [INSERT RECORD OF AFC EAST TEAM] while boring the crap out of every fan of the [INSERT NAME OF AFC EAST TEAM]. “Defense wins championships!!!” says [INSERT NAME OF HEAD COACH OF AFC EAST TEAM], “offense only sells tickets.”
A TYPICAL DAY OF TRAINING
Miami Dolphins rookie RB Ronnie Brown
9:00 AM – Morning practice. Consists of learning how to:
· Minimize negative yardage on plays where the OL doesn’t show up (this is an important part of the Dolphin system)
· Deflect (praise towards Nick Saban, history of college coaches in the NFL away. Praise TOWARDS, history AWAY)
· Identify and avoid STDs under club light
· Gain 3 yards on 3rd and 7
· Deflect (praise towards Hudson Houck, any reasonably good cornerback away. Praise TOWARDS, shutdown corners AWAY)
· Score John Salley’s part in “Bad Boys III” solely by not being John Salley
1:15 AM – Go to bathroom, discover Fiedler eating pizza. Threaten to kick his ass and pass out in the bathroom.