AFC SOUTH
ED: Only because I type faster than Bill and Phil.
Listed
in order of 2004 finish. For those who have no reading comprehension
skills…THIS IS NOT A PREDICTION FOR 2005!!!
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
2004 record: 12-4
Won AFC South. Lost again to the Pats in the playoffs
ADDITIONS: None
DEPARTURES:
ED: So yeah, you might have heard that Peyton Manning had quite the season in 2004. Dan Marino is probably still kicking things to this day. And while I’m no fan of La Familia Gump, anytime you can show up Dan Marino is fine with me. So the question is: what can Peyton do as an encore? Obviously, no one should expect Manning to top last season. And with the slight improvements on defense, the Colts should not have to expect Manning to throw 49 TD’s again. Assumedly.
ED: Yes, the Colts have firepower. But there are things to beware. Marvin Harrison is a little over a month younger than me. Reggie White is a Miami Hurricane WR. Edgerrin James is unhappy with his contract. Brandon Stokely is dinged. Dallas Clark forgot to drink his milk as a kid. Dominic Rhodes has turf toe. And depth on O is not the Colts forte. So yeah, there are reasons not to expect Manning will light up the scoreboards a la 2004. But then the Colts do get to play the wretched NFC West this season so don’t jump on the Jags bandwagon just yet.
BB: Reggie White…he’s dead Ed. I’m sorry to let you know. But he’s definitely dead.
ED: God, looking at the Colts stat line from last year, I would think they were a CFL team if not for Edgerrin’s 1500+ rushing yards. And if Manning was putting up those numbers in the CFL he’d still have to sit behind Quincy Carter. Stupid Jets!
ED: The Colts were still a decidedly mediocre defensive team last year – ranking towards the bottom of the league in pretty much every major defensive category, but towards the middle of the pack in points allowed. To be fair, the Colts were atrocious on D earlier in the ’04 season while breaking in a new secondary – a secondary, by the way, that managed to find half of the corps in trouble with the law in the offseason – and did show marked improvement by season’s end. Well, at least until they played the Pats in the playoffs, anyway. And considering that at least half of the Colts secondary will start the season either suspended or hurt, and you can’t like the team’s chances of jumping out of the gate too well.
ED: Why Dwight Freeney doesn’t get triple teamed at this point is beyond me. Assumedly, Corey Simon will help Freeney out, but…Man. Why Freeney doesn’t get triple-teamed is beyond me.
ED: Hi! I’m Jim Sorgi! You may not know me, you probably don’t
care. But I have the best job in
ED: There is nothing more in life I want than for Sweet Pea Burns to make the Colts team. Nothing.
ED: I hear some calling the Colts as the team to beat in the AFC. I don’t know if I see that. That’s a shaky defense and an offense without a whole lot of depth. There’s no reason for the Colts not to win this division, but man…the Colts winning the AFC title seems a bit of a reach to me.
HOW A DATE WOULD GO
WITH…
Peyton Manning
Peyton is very much the awfully overmatched date. He holds the door but forgets to hold the chair. He is sure his tie is straight but doesn’t know that it doesn’t match. He makes sure he orders the same food as his partner but tries to go to the bathroom at the same time – and worse – go in the same bathroom.
So things are going poorly for Peyton as he talks about how proud he is of Eli, of Reggie Wayne, of his dad, and of Tony Dungy. As the girl decides to get up to leave, Peyton says, “I just hope that $25 million signing bonus doesn’t hurt the team too much.” Immediately, the girl develops a strong, strong attraction to Peyton and decides that she must sleep with the man.
Once they get home to Peyton’s, the girl is all over him. She insists that she feels such a strong connection to him, and that they must make love immediately. Peyton concurs, but he has one request. “You gotta call me Brady.”
The girl, having already slept with
Tom Brady, is freaked out and leaves.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
2004 Record: 9-7
Missed the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: CB Terry Cousin; DE Reggie Hayward; LB Nate Wayne; DE Marcellus Wiley; DT Tony Williams; CB Kenny Wright.
DEPARTURES:
ED: Yeesh. Stupid typing skills. You know, I remember falling in love with the NFL when I was a kid and the league of the late-70’s and early-80’s was nowhere near as boring as this here league – that is what I chose to remember. Sure, I realize there were horrible Saints and Giants and Colts and other teams in that time frame that I opt to forget. Golly! I can’t imagine an 8 year old kid falling in love with any of this collection of crud. But, hey! PARITY! Tagliabue is smarter than you! God, Vonnegut was right – everyone will be equal through crippling!
ED: Hey! Fred Taylor ran for 1200+ yards in 14 games! He is healthy! Healthy! He is one durable dude! Or not. Yeah, we will trot out that joke until Fred is retired!
ED: I am putting thinking Greg Jones will have a really-really-really nice year as the FB who gets all the Jags TD’s. But he is a Florida State RB, so that just probably paints me as a fool…or a bigger fool than normal.
ED: Hey! The Jags hired a USC coach to run their offense. Whoops! Wrong USC coach! Well…there ya go. The Jags in a nutshell.
ED: Beating a dead
horse…Byron Leftwich is black. He is a QB.
We are thus forced to compare Leftwich to
another black QB – it’s in the NFL manual, we have to do this. Other black QB’s in
the league are Daunte Culpepper and Steve
McNair. Umm…Leftwich:
McNair as Bill:R.
Kelly. Thus, Leftwich
MUST-MUST-MUST be compared to Culpepper. Now, you might say, “HEY! They are nothing alike.” And you would be right. But they are both black. And they are both big. And they are both QB’s. Thus they are the same. It’s in the manual, people! And I’m certain to make this so, the Vikings
will do all in their power to cripple Culpepper until he is the same as Lefwich. Now, is
this joke dead?
ED: Can anyone explain why Kyle Brady is
even in the league anymore? Sure, he can
block, but he’s never been able to catch.
And Brady’s blocking was never that great that you couldn’t get equal
productivity from converting a Tackle to TE or something. At this point, Brady is essentially the
equivalent of a no-hit SS – or a dinosaur, for those with no baseball knowledge
– and even Rey Ordonez finally went away
eventually. Of course, if Brady goes
away that will be one less player older than me in the league. And since he clogs up the Jags roster…Well,
shoot! Never mind! Keep him around!
ED: Matt Jones: First Round Draft Pick. Boy. Where do you even start with that? Oh. Right. With the fact that the Jags are still depending on Jimmy Smith and Reggie Williams at WR otherwise. Poor-poor Byron Leftwich.
ED: The Jags were a
middle of the pack team defensively. Sure,
being a Jags defensive player is basically the equivalent of being in the
witness protection program since no one outside of the
ED: Meh. I am cutting down on the self-inflicted pain. The Jags may be decentish enough to compete for a Wild Card if things break right. And? So they get to lose one extra game and get a worse draft pick that they will comically blow? Whee! Somehow this seems like something the Jags would be happy with. But what then? There’s still far too much dreck on the roster to think that a Wild Card shot is actually worth anything in the long-term. But as long as Jack Del Rio’s hair is still pretty, what else matters?
HOW A DATE WOULD GO
WITH…
Donovan Darius
Donovan is a handsome man. That is not the lady’s problem. He is charming, romantic, funny, and warm. He is well-dressed. There’s only one problem.
In the middle of the date, Donovan
is the middle of dancing with this girl. He is smooth. He looks over, though,
and sees a more attractive girl. While dancing, he yells over and starts
hitting on the girl. This, obviously, disappoints his date. Of course, she
could not expect what happens next: Donovan turns over to the other side and
starts hitting on a THIRD girl! Of course, both girls are freaked out and walk
away. Donovan continues dancing with his now disgusted date, and feigns shock
when the date expresses her lament. He dances but doesn’t get laid. He remains
alone and irrelevant, all dressed up with nowhere to go.
HOUSTON TEXANS
2004 Record: 7-9
Missed the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: CB Phillip Buchanon; LB Morlon Greenwood; OT Victor Riley; CB Lewis Sanders
DEPARTURES:
ED: Ahh, remember 2004? You know, when the Panthers surprising 2003 Super Bowl run made it all the rage to jump on the bandwagon on the next surprise team? Yeah. Well, some jumped all over the Bengals, some all over the Jags, and I think we sorta threw our support to the Texans. Then the two best teams in the league went to the Super Bowl and we are left not mocking those who are grasping at straws and the Texans are merely depressing rather than the flavor of the moment. I blame Joe Theismann.
ED: God, David Carr was sacked 49 times last year. Even Drew Bledsoe winces at that. I mean, if Bledsoe could move enough to wince.
ED: Andre Johnson, Jabar Gafney, something-something, snore. Try to throw the ball, get sacked, check for internal bleeding. Something-something. Snore. YAWN!!! God the AFC South is football hell.
ED: The Texans have soured on Domanick Davis because he can’t run through 8 people and is hurt too much. Gee. Yeah. That’s all Domanick Davis’ fault. Damn him for not being superman.
ED: The Texans were a
middle of the pack team against the run.
Which is a bit surprising because there was no one on
their front line who was really great last year. Their linebackers were fantastic, but then
the Texans retooled their LB corps by letting Jay Foreman and Jamie Sharper
go. So, who knows what you’re getting
with the Texans defense this year? I
wouldn’t expect too much if I were a Texans fan. But
ED: So, let me get
this straight – Phillip Buchanon was a corner who
could not cover as a Raider. Then he
gets traded to
ED: Ehh. True to form for this wretched division, there’s not much to get excited about here. Maybe if things break right, the Texans can hover around .500. But this is a true Dom Capers team – boring to the bone with no semblance of anything that makes you think they’re world beaters. And the Texans pull down a much tougher schedule than last year to boot so…well…in the end, aren’t we all just competing for Matt Leinart’s love and affection?
HOW A DATE WOULD GO
WITH…
David Carr
David is somewhere between Donovan Darius and Peyton Manning. He is certainly more relaxed and resplendent than Peyton, but cannot approach the style of Donovan. Mr. Carr is very charming and alluring, though, and immediately the lady again feels the urge to bed the young man.
As they enter a state of undress, though, the lady wonders aloud how Mr. Carr will protect himself from impregnating or Ron Mexico-ing her. He says “It’s okay baby…I’ll just throw it away when the pressure comes.” This is not good enough for her, though, and she gets very adamant and starts groping around the bed looking for the necessary materials. Carr finally admits, screaming, “I HAVE NO PROTECTION!!!”
Sorry about that.
TENNESSEE TITANS
2004 Record: 5-11
Missed the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: RB Travis Henry; PK Ola Kimrin; DE Kyle Vanden Bosch
DEPARTURES:
ED: See, the salary cap is such a great idea that every league should experiment with destroying their teams every few years. Somehow, I think Bud Selig would agree with that statement.
ED: According to our medical advisor, here is the list of probable injuries to Steve McNair this season:
- Sprained pancreas
- Torn uvula
- Infected medulla oblongata
- Elephantitis
- Lupus
- Enlarged cuticles
- Foghat
- Broken cervix
- Bruised rump
- Cooties
- Deviated hymen
- Bulging dic
- Distended colon
- Postpartum depression
-
Black Oak
- Stockholm syndrome
- Rabies
- Heebie jeebies
- SARS
- Bulimia
- Chlamydia
- Narcolepsy
- Jimmy leg
- ABBA
ED: God is this team a train wreck. If this were a baseball team, the highlight of the season would be in moving the VETERANS!!! for prospects. Titan fans can’t even look forward to that. See this wouldn’t happen if football had a salary ca-- Oh. Yeah.
ED: MATT
LEINART!!! Mmm,
Matt Leinart!
How you will miss that warm
ED: Oh man, those games against the Raiders, 49ers, Browns and Dolphins may be the worst things scheduled since the last Bush press conference. Eww.
ED: Fortunately, Jeff Fisher is genius enough to deflect all the blame of this crud away from him for awhile. Or he can just LaRussa himself out of town and run off to a better team. Whichever. Too bad there’s not a Lloyd McClendon in football.
ED: 4-5 wins, maybe? Ehh. Yeah, I can see Fisher LaRussa’ing himself out of this mess ASAP.
HOW A DATE WOULD GO
WITH…
Jeff Fisher
If a girl went on a date with Jeff Fisher and didn’t know what he did for a living, I would think that a girl would imagine that he was a professional wrestling referee, NASCAR crew chief, handyman, superintendent, construction worker, cop (and all other Village People occupations, even the Indian), maitre’d, Hair Club spokesperson, or high school principal before she figured he was a football coach. And when he told her that she was, she thought him to be a liar and went home and fell asleep fantasizing about that dreamy Norm Chow. Mmmm…Asian coaches.