NFC EAST
ED: Boy, this division does nothing to erase my
football hate. Since I don’t give a crap
about anyone in this division, let’s just have some fun and make random penis
jokes, shall we? I shall.
Listed
in order of 2004 finish. For those who have no reading comprehension
skills…THIS IS NOT A PREDICTION FOR 2005!!!
2004 record: 13-3
Tossed their cookies in the Super Bowl to the
ADDITIONS: RB Lamar Gordon; WR Darnerien McCants; QB Mike McMahon
DEPARTURES: DE Derrick Burgess;
DE Hugh Douglas; P Sean Landeta; RB Dorsey Levens; TE Chad Lewis; ORG Jermane
Mayberry; WR Freddie Mitchell; LB Ike Reese; FB Jon Ritchie; DT Corey Simon; LB
Nate Wayne
ED: So yeah, this is the football preview. The sad state of the NFL and our horrid teams
has beaten us all down. Yes, your teams
are better than ours. Yes, we all shall
rejoice the greatness of Tom Brady. Yes-yes-yes.
Bah. The NFL sucks. The Pats are the most boring team in the
history of team sports. The level of
play in this here league is abysmal.
God, this must be what being a fan of the NBA is like.
PR: Try being a fan of
the division. Or being in the TV market of the division.
Of course, Ed lives in
ED: The Eagles finally got over the hump last
year and made it to the Super Bowl. Of
course, they couldn’t hang with the Pats and now are back to square one, of
sorts. Thankfully for the Eagles,
everyone else in the division is either clueless or rebuilding or both. You know the song by now, Eagles win the
East. Blah-blah-blah.
PR: Aww….
I don’t want to believe it is true. Stupid Giants.
ED: Of course, all is not too snazzy in
Philly. Todd Pinkston is already likely
gone for the year thanks to an Achilles injury early on in camp. Correll Buckhalter is fragile, Brian Westbrook held out for a week
and the Eagles aren’t especially deep on the offensive side of things. And then there’s TO, who
despite all the hoopla and hand wringing, showed up in camp on time even if he
is supposedly unhappy with his paydays.
On the bright side, the presence of TO gives sportswriters someone to
write bad copy and sad little columns about, which, in turn, makes us all
giggle so I guess we all win, really.
PR: Westbrook broke off
extension talks with Philly which means he will either lose a limb or have the
mother of all contract years. In regards to Owens, I personally enjoy the
columnists who will blast T.O. for being a cancer whenever he doesn’t have a TD
catch and less than 100 yards. The other weeks, the Eagles will be misers for
not giving Owens the cash.
ED: I think of the love that Screamin’
A. Smith has for…well, himself. That’s
first and foremost. There is none
greater. And then there’s the love Screamin’ A. has for Allen Iverson. And the love the Screamin’
one has to for TO and I wonder how this is categorized. How does Screamin’
A. balance this love evenly? When he
wakes in the morning and jams to Prince’s “Sexy MF” while staring at himself in
the mirror does Screamin’ A. feel any sort of guilt
about not loving AI and TO enough? Does Screamin’ A have huge wall posters of AI and TO beside his
huge mirror in an attempt to share the love?
Do you think Screamin’ A
converses with Chris Berman about these matters? Does anyone else care but me?
PR: When SAS is thinking
about himself as he pleases himself – and you know he thinks about himself –
does he scream at himself? Does he shout the names of the NBA Ballerz who have hit him up on his cell?
ED: Did Ray Lewis break the Madden cover
jinx? Or did he just stab it to
death? Donovan McNabb sure has to hope
it’s one of those.
PR: Call me silly but I
thought being the QB of the Eagles was its own little jinx?
ED: You know me, I love-love-love the
offense. Unfortunately, there aren’t any
great offensive teams in the NFL anymore.
And no really good offenses on teams that have a shot of doing much in
December and January. Sans TO, the
Eagles are no different. This is a
pretty generic offense. The receiving corps
– sans TO, of course – is pedestrian, especially without Pinkston. And Donovan McNabb has suddenly become an
efficient passer – but certainly not the QB God that some have made him out to
be. Of course defense wins
championships, right? Nope. Balance wins championships. And the reason the Eagles made the jump to
the Super Bowl last year was that they finally had enough offense to balance
things out – well, that and an exceptionally weak NFC playoff field. So it was all TO, you ask? Nope.
ED: Donovan McNabb threw for 3875 yards last year
– which is a surprise to me, too.
Exactly 1200 of those yards went to TO in the
14 games that he played. Brian Westbrook
– a RB, mind you – was second in yardage at 703 yards, Todd Pinkston was third
with 676. No other Eagle topped 400
yards receiving. To those who played up
that the Eagles are all McNabb and TO on offense, I present to you Mr. Brian
Westbrook. Not only did Westbrook have
those 703 receiving yards, he also led the Eagles in rushing with 812. Add in the 14 return yards and Westbrook lead
the team with 1529 total yards. If
there’s anyone who has a right to hold out, it might be Brian Westbrook.
PR: Since they cut Sean Landeta, the PLAYER ON THIS MISERABLE TEAM THAT I LOATHE
WITH A PASSION THAT IRRATIONALLY LOVE is now Brian Westbrook. Since I already
hate the Eagles, I can’t really muster the extra bile to get worked up of Landeta. And Westbrook absolutely crushed me with that kick
return vs. the Giants a couple of years ago. Yeah… that was a painful painful walk through the parking lot. But somehow,
Westbrook constantly gets overlooked.
ED: And there is your
answer as to how the Eagles had enough offense at last in 2004. If the Eagles can get even a semi-healthy Correll Buckhalter to help
Westbrook carry the load and if they can get anything out of their number’s 2
and 3 WR’s (big If’s, I
grant you), there’s plenty enough offense here to keep ahead of the rest of the
NFC East. What that means in January, is
a completely different story.
PR: Much like my Broncos
preview, Ed wrote this awhile ago. Poor poor
gimpy Correll. The Eagles did make a nice move
in snatching up McCants. Of course, he is a soft
practice player and only caught every ball thrown his way and that made him
unacceptable to Lord Gibbs. Must really really
suck then. At the very least, McCants is
better than Freddie Mitchell. Chad Lewis not being with the team is weird but
he’s off to covert the masses or supply a lot of Mormon back door action or tip
cows. Something
ED: BIG FREE AGENT PICK
UP JAVON KEARSE!!! Had
7.5 sacks and 31 tackles. And he
only played in 14 games again. I think
it’s safe to not call him the greatest DE in the world anymore.
PR: Sadly, the fact that Kearse is STILL under 30 and had the 7 ½ sacks will get him
lots and lots of love despite being creaky. And I am assuming Ed means of
active players because anyone who even jokes, for a half a second, that Kearse was better than Deacon Jones needs a headslap and then to be shot… repeatedly.
ED: Ricky Ray’s back in the CFL. Hugh Douglas is now a part-timer with the
Eagles. God, most of our repeating 2004
preview jokes are down the crapper. God,
I loathe the NFL.
PR: Apparently, Andy Reid
now hates Hugh Douglas as much as Jack Del Rio did. By the time we publish
this, I am sure
ED: Man, this was a real bend-don’t-break
defense, wasn’t it? In 2004 the Eagles
were 10th in total yards allowed/game, 16th in rushing
yards allowed/game, 12th in passing yards allowed/game, but 2nd
in points given up. Granted, playing 6
games against the hapless Cowboys, Redskins and Giants had to help a whole
bunch, but that reeks of either awesomeness or luck. Take your pick. With the Cowboys and Giants offense possibly
getting better you would think things would change in 2005. And yet, the Eagles get to play the AFC West,
Arizona, Green Bay, Atlanta and Seattle along with the NFC East regulars, I
could actually see things staying the same, or even better. That’s not as much a credit to the Eagles
defense as much as an indictment on the offenses they get to play against in
’05. Yes, I am a hater. Sue me.
PR: I’m a huge supporter
of Ed’s AFC West hate but if there is one think the West is known for, it is
their offenses. And lets remember that the DL is in
flux – Corey Simon was franchised and then told to not let the door hit his big
old butt on the way out. Jerome McDougle is nursing
that bullet he took. Really everything rides on Jim Johnson being as freaky
brilliant as everyone pimps him as being. His history of success does at least
grant him the benefit of the doubt though.
PR: The Eagles do have a
goofy schedule. Two of their first three games are against
ED: See, the problem with the Eagles is that
there’s nothing really funny about them.
I was telling Phil how I had started the preview and that the Eagles
were killing me. And other than mocking
TO and stating McNabb is on the cover for Madden, there’s not a lot to go
on. They’re the NFC equivalent of the
Pats – cold, efficient, boring. Sure,
they’ll win this division, the defense is too good not to. They should make a nice little run through
the playoffs too. Maybe
a return to the Super Bowl. Why
not? But there’s nothing about the
Eagles to make me care. At least not
care enough to kill time on when there’s far too many other bumbling fools in
this division to mess with. Meh.
PR: Obviously the big
difference is that Ed doesn’t wish death upon McNabb. Both teams did have those
ridiculously over covered stories throughout the offseason.
“T.O. HATES MCNABB!!! ANDY REID IS STILL FAT!!! TEDY
BRUSCHI HAS A HOLEY HEART!!! BELICHECK GOT DIVORCED!!!” It’s all those things
that distract your attention from the rest of the guys being decent ball
players.
CORRESPONDENCE FROM CAMP...sorta
Date
of letter:
Location:
Prisoner:
#4F81O3, BROOKOVER, ROBERT
My dear Tina,
It's wonderful to finally be able to
write you. Before I get started, I just want to say that I miss you dearly. I
spend every day here wondering what your life is like, how you've grown up and
blossomed into such a wonderful, special young woman. I still have a picture of
us before the mistake happened - me and you at Christmastime when you were just
a little girl. It's all I have left of us now. I know that I haven't written
you in the five years I've been here and, well, I just couldn't. I knew what
I'd done wrong and how the problems you've faced in the ensuing years are all my fault. I don't have the words to accurately express
how sorry I am. To face the problem, though, my counselor here says that I need
to expel the crime out of my mouth, through my hands, to present it to myself -
and yet, the shame of my actions so far exceeds that of the guilt I've taken
on. Honey, I am so sorry I pimped you out to Andy Reid
when you were 15.
I know that sorry doesn't cut it. I
totally understand. Let me try and explain to you, if I can,
my in-no-way-acceptable motivation for my awful, awful actions. You see, there
was a huge story revolving around Terrell Owens. There had been some dissension
between him and Donovan McNabb, and even though the Eagles had made the Super
Bowl the previous year and come reasonably close to winning it, that dissension
lingered and stuck around until training camp. Terrell got into a fight with
Andy and he left training camp and, well honey, that's where you came in. I
knew Andy and I thought he was a good guy. I'd seen some of the boys you'd been
running around with at school and, well, I knew they were no good. And I read
somewhere that most girls lost their virginity nowadays when they were fifteen
and I just...I got flustered! And I knew that I had to get the story before Paolantonio
or Stephen A. Smith because...well...I needed to get my name on the ticker at
the bottom of ESPN2. I know the whole thing doesn't make sense to you, honey,
but it would have been a sign of how important I was and I really wanted to get
a reoccuring spot on PTI and I wanted to get in tight
with Coach Reid cause he'd just signed a new contract and he said he'd be
gentle and oh my god I'm so sorry Tina. I can't do this.
Love always,
Dad
2004 Record: 6-10
Missed the Playoffs… sigh
ADDITIONS: WR Plaxico Burress;
DT Kendrick Clancy; PK Jay Feely; QB Tim Hasselbeck;
OT Kareem McKenzie; RB/KR Chad Morton; LB Antonio Pierce; OT Bob Whitfield.
DEPATURES: RB Mike Cloud; CB Terry
Cousin; RB Ron Dayne; DT Norman Hand; WR Ike Hilliard;
DT-DE Lance Legree; LB Kevin Lewis; OL Wayne Lucier; QB Jesse Palmer; QB Kurt Warner.
ED: OK. Fun with stats time. The Giants ranked 8th in the NFL in passing yards
allowed/game with an average of 189.4.
What does this mean? A) The
Giants had a better secondary than the Eagles; B) the Giants have a really
crappy D-line; or C) no one needed to pass on the Giants because they were long
ahead of the G-men and were playing out the clock in the second half. We’ll get to the answer here in a second.
PR: I don’t like your
quizzes Mr. Agner.
ED: The Giants ranked 22nd in points
for with 303 on the season. They ranked 17th in points allowed with 347 on the
season. The Giants ranked 28th
in rushing yards allowed/game with an average of 134.8. Our answer then? The Giants played in the highest amount of
ugly games of any team in the NFL last season.
For once I am happy to be in a
PR: Well, your theory
would have been better if you had flipped it, since run defense is far far easier in Madden and once the computer starts trailing
it will pass every play and their 5th receiver will make
miraculously catches. And the AI loves playing no huddle because the OL
magically can get to the line in under a second but your fat
down lineman are still 10 yards downfield. Of course, my theory would be
better if in real life the members of the Giant secondary had their Madden
ratings. One of these days I need to check the credits to see which of the
Wills has a family member at EA. Oh and in regards to stopping the run. I will
say that Straham missed half the year and the rest of
them… well that was ugly.
PR: I also will never
ever really get over a specific three game stretch last year. Yeah – they
should have beaten the Steelers and crushed that dream. And there was the one
point loss to the Bengals. THE
BENGALS?!?!?!?! No, no much earlier in the season.
Week 9 – Chicago 28,
Giants 21
Week 10 –
Week 11 –
PR: Going into the Bears
game the Giants were 5-2 and riding high and beating
ED: I really thought the Giants would provide a
whole lot more of new funny other than the wasted draft picks for Eli and Tom
Coughlin is a meanie jokes. But no. As Phil said, “Kurt Warner left and the jokes
went with him.”
PR:
ED: Fortunately, we still have the Giants back-up
QB’s to make fun of.
This was part of what I envisioned when I was going to mess with NFC
EAST: THE MUSICAL!!! All these crappy QB’s standing around the Gatorade bucket holding
clipboards. Jesse Palmer singing about all the snatch he gets.
Tim Hasselbeck signing about
his hot wife. J-Load
signing about…food. And every now
and then Eli Manning would break in with the occasional Smiths or Cure
lyric. Yeah. I guess you had to be there. It was funny in my mind.
PR: Oh yeah – I could see
a Hasselbeck diddy where
Elisabeth prattles on how the liberal media was the cause of Hurricane Katrina
immediately followed by Jesse singing the tender ballad under single spotlight
about how he is still sexy despite being unemployed. The show’s closing number
would clearly be Lorenzen singing “Sit Down Your Rocking the Boat” because he probably the only one
who could pull off Nicely Nicely.
ED: Football Prospectus really-really-really is
not high on Eli Manning. OK, that’s
probably an understatement. Football
Prospectus thinks of Eli Manning the way people in a
PR: Since he is from
ED: Lost in all the ugliness of the Giants 2004
season was the fact that Tiki Barber had a hellacious
year – 2096 all purpose yards, 13 TD’s and only 5
fumbles, of which only 2 were lost. Football
Prospectus was kinda hard on Tiki
for fumbling more late in the season, citing that as a
sign that maybe he carried too much of the workload last season and possibly
not having a good 2005. But I mean he
pretty much was the entire Giants offense last season. What else was Coughlin supposed to do? Give the ball to Ron Dayne?
PR: That definitely
sounds too me like folks trying to find something to
complain about. I mean, I adore this team and I can find plenty to complain
about. Tiki Barber is not one of them. Broke the Giants rushing record. Lead the NFL in total
yardage. Additionally, if Brandon Jacobs is anywhere near as good as he is in
Madden… oh… sweet sweet pantsless
season.
ED: If Jeremy Shockey
is still talked about as a premier TE in the league, then people can really
start talking about East Coast Bias…or maybe they can just complain about the
thin TE pool in the NFL. Whichever.
PR: Considering the other
pimped Tight Ends play in
ED: Personally, I will miss Ron Dayne. Actually, I
will just miss Phil and Bill wishing death upon Ron Dayne. I don’t really don’t give a rat’s about Ron Dayne the person.
PR: You are going to be
happier that Dayne is with the Broncos. And may Kerry
Collins never leave your team.
ED: I admit that I have no taste in
anything. I am pretty dim. I am a Midwesterner. Huey Lewis and the News was my first ever
favorite band when I was in like the 4th grade. All the cooler, smarter kids laughed at me. But IIIIIIII knew all about the heart of rock
and roll! I DID!!! Alas, I am a true Midwesterner. We know nothing about taste. That’s the way we were raised. I remember as a kid when a big night out on
the town involved going to K-mart. When
going to Wendy’s was exciting. When
going to the state fair was the ultimate in chic. Sadly, I have really gotten no smarter and
the
PR: HE’S TALL!!!! Bill’s
analysis of this is better than anything I could have ever even fathomed.
Honestly – it’s funny because it’s true.
I really like the Giants strategy of threatening
to sign really terrible people to make me at least tolerate the players they
eventually will sign. Sure, Plaxico Burress sounds bad at first, but DAVID TERRELL?!?!?
Kendrick Clancy is probably a product of the Steelers' sche...CHRIS
HOVAN?!? The guy who couldn't crack the VIKINGS defense? Oh, I miss George
Young.
PR: Anyway – Amani Toomer is still there. And
I am probably the only Tim Carter fan in the world. Plus, Jamaal Taylor is
fast. Not Ron Dixon fast but real fast. Of course, this all goes back to folks
being able to get any of them the ball.
ED: Giants DE Osi Umenyiora led the team in sacks with 7. He also led all players born in
PR: Umenyiora
is destined to be the guy who I really really like
whose name I will never be able to spell properly. You know – like Philippi
Sparks.
ED: Can we now not consider Michael Strahan a top
flight defensive lineman? Is he the
Derek Jeter of DE’s now? These questions
would keep me awake at night if I cared anything about the Giants. But I don’t.
So I sleep well.
PR: Clearly I am not
bothered by Derek Jeter. I am not going to be bothered by Michael Strahan. I
will be bothered by the breathless Post and Daily News articles about them. Oh
– and the Strahan deodorant commercial.
ED: There was very little we were right about
last season. I nailed the Raiders sucking…but
so did the rest of the country. Bill
nailed the Lio…Oh yeah. We’ll ignore that. But we did nail Carlos Emmons being a good
pick up for the Giants. You throw enough
turds and something with stick. And I’ll go on record in saying that I think
the Antonio Pierce pick up will be just as good as the Emmons deal. Of course, he doesn’t play on the other side
of the ball so, how much he’ll really help the Giants is questionable.
ED: I thank the Lord for a lot of things. Not having to watch the Giants is really
creeping up on my list. God, this is a
boring team.
PR: My Delusional Fanboy Ravings
Week 1:
- Open at home. The
Cardinal hype dies in week 1. WIN 1-0
Week 2: at
- Aww...
Aaron Brooks manages three comical turnovers. Someone - two years too late -
smacks Joe Horn upside the head. WIN 2-0
Week 3: at
- Hey, we do okay on
Sunday night games. Plus, its a Marty coached team!
WIN 3-0
Week 4:
- Hehehehehe.
Mike Martz GENIUS~! Kerry Collins isn't around to fumble and cost us the game.
WIN 4-0
Week 5: BYE WEEK
Week 6: at
- AWWW YEAH! Poor little Cowpokes. WIN 5-0
Week 7:
- I can only dream that
Ron Dayne would be the start by now. Oh well. LOSS
5-1
Week 8:
- Sadly, Sean Taylor will
not be in jail by the game. No matter. WIN 6-1
Week 9: at
- Hehehehehehe.
WIN 7-1
Week 10:
- WE OWN THE VIKINGS!!!!
WIN 8-1
Week 11:
- Sigh... LOSS 8-2
Week 12: at
- Aww...
no longer Super Bowl bound. WIN 9-2
Week 13:
- God, I love the NFC
East teams not named the Eagles. WIN 10-2
Week 14: at
- Stupid Philly. LOSS
10-3
Week 15:
- This will be the yearly
game they should have won and comically get blown out by 24 instead. LOSS 10-4
Week 16: at Washington
(Sat Game)
- Aww...
Either Mark Brunell or Jason Campbell will be
starting by now. And Gibbs will still refuse to throw downfield. WIN 11-4
Week 17: at
- Poor Poor Ed. WIN 12-4
12-4!!! SUPER BOWL
BOUND!!!!!!!!!
PR: My sad sad bitter reality
Week 1:
- Rumblings have been
that the Cards are the hip pick to suddenly emerge as playoff contenders. It's
Week 2: at
- This will be the week
where the media really really realizes. Yeah - maybe
the Giants shouldn't be starting Will Allen anymore. Stupid
Joe Horn. Stupid Dante Stallworth.
LOSS 1-1
Week 3: at
- Oof...
now is the time when the Giants prove they can't stop a real running back.
Losing to a Marty coached team feels like 5 losses. LOSS 1-2
Week 4:
- I don't care if the
Giants were 0-15 and this was the last game of the season. I refuse acknowledge
a Mike Martz win. WIN 2-2
Week 5: BYE WEEK
Week 6: at
- I am going to figure
they will split with the Boys and Skins. Home team would always win. LOSS 2-3
Week 7:
- Oh yeah - Ron Dayne is so scoring a TD. This will be the AFC West team
that blows them out. LOSS 2-4
Week 8:
- I am going to figure
they will split with the Boys and Skins. Home team would always win. WIN 3-4
Week 9: at
- Hehehehehehe.
(This will be the first loss that makes me want to regret getting the NFL
Ticket.) WIN 4-4
Week 10:
- WE OWN THE VIKINGS!!!!
WIN 5-4
Week 11:
- Sigh... LOSS 5-5
Week 12: at
- This will hurt. Stupid Sweetser taunting. LOSS 5-6
Week 13:
- I am going to figure
they will split with the Boys and Skins. Home team would always win. WIN 6-6
Week 14: at
- Stupid Philly. LOSS 6-7
Week 15:
- This will be the yearly
game they should have won and comically get blown out by 24 instead. LOSS 6-8
Week 16: at Washington
(Sat Game)
- I am going to figure
they will split with the Boys and Skins. Home team would always win. LOSS 6-9
Week 17: at
- Poor Poor Ed. I don't think they will play to a tie. It will
probably be 9-6 with a team missing a FG as time expires. Since the count wont count for anything, I will give the Giants a win. WIN
7-9
Well - 7-9 could get them
ass backwards into the playoffs considering this is the NFC.
CORRESPONDENCE FROM
CAMP...sorta
To:
Dad,
From:
Eli, QB, New York Giants
Hi Dad!!!
I'am so
excited for this season!! I am so
excited that I made a list of my favorite things like you used to tell me at
Turkey Time every year (did you know I have lots of money now?? I went to use
the ATM machine and when it spit the computer paper back at me one of the
numbers was too high to count! I tried sounding it out but I got stuck and I
had to ask someone to help me! I asked them if I could take all of it out to
buy some video games or an interior lineman but they said something about a
spending limit or a salary capped or something. I wasn't paying attention cause I was thinking about all the McDonald's I could get
with my money!! Anyway here is my list!!!
ELI (the newspaper writers gave me a
nickname but I can't spell it yet!!) MANNING'S TOP 5 BETTER THINGS ABOUT THIS
GRADE THAN LAST YEAR:
One) My McDonald's friend is back!!!
He was here last summer but when real football started he hid all year! We're
going to go to the drive thru later and order 300 chicken nuggets and confuse
the drive-thru waitress and it will be SO FUNNY!!!! Maybe this year I will get
to eat some of the chicken this time.
Two) The
minister isn't around this year! I know you taught me to love God and his voice
on Earth dad, and I do, but you didn't tell me he was supposed to play quarter
back ahead of me! How am I supposed to get a girlfriend and read the news paper
if I'm not the starting quarter back? And besides, all he would say when we
were on the sidelines together was stuff about how Mike wouldn't have done it
that way or this way. Is God named Mike, dad? Why did you tell me his name was
Al, dad?
Three) The
nun with the witch face isn't around this year either!
Four) Coach Coughy
is letting me throw to three different receivers this year! He said as long as
I throw it to the really tall Negro boy, the really loud white guy who can't
catch, or Ronde Barber, he won't spank me!
Five) My
friend Jessy said that if I "pull rank"
with the team, that he can get me on the tv! That's
right dad! Your boy next to Jay Leno or the guys from Orange County Choppers!!!
Maybe I can even get my ride pimped!!!
OK Dad Coughy
is telling me that I'm going to get spanked again if I don't get to this
quarter backs meeting early. Bye dad!!! Say hi to Peyton for me!
Love always,
Eli
P.S. Did you know that chicken
fingers aren't really the fingers of chicken? They're just chicken nuggets
shaped like your Marino! And they're DELICIOUS!!!
2004 Record: 6-10
Missed the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: QB Drew Bledsoe; NT Jason Ferguson; LB Scott Fujita; CB Aaron Glenn;
CB Anthony Henry; WR Peerless Price; OG Marco Rivera; RB Anthony Thomas
DEPARTURES: FB Richie Anderson; LB Dexter Coakley;
RB Eddie George; CB Pete Hunter; QB Vinny Testaverde; DE Marcellus Wiley; S Darren Woodson
ED: Well, poop.
Time to set myself up for more humiliation. I was going to do the Cowboys piece as a
musical. Well, actually, I was going to
do the entire NFC East as a musical. But
reality hit and I lowered my standards.
And then I actually tried to do a musical with the Cowboys piece
and…Let’s just forget about that, shall we?
But I know Bill and Phil won’t let me forget it. In case you haven’t noticed, I suck.
PR: Just for the record:
Mandy Patankin starring as Bill Parcells
would be ugly.
ED: You know that guy in like the 5th
grade – let’s just say it’s none of us, OK?
That guy who accidentally called his teacher Mom? (Again, we’re saying it’s none of us since
that could not have ever happened to anyone as cool as us.) And when this other weird person said it
everyone freaked out for him, but of course used that as ammunition to
humiliate him for weeks until someone did something even odder in the classroom
to take heat off the kid. (Again, this
obviously never happened to any of us.)
Signing Drew Bledsoe to a multi-year contract to be your starting QB is
the equivalent of calling your teacher Mom.
Of course, if that’s true, I really don’t know what the equivalent of
having Vinny Testaverde as
your starter is.
PR: The kid who super
glues his ear to his arm? The kid who wets himself? The kid who poops himself?
The kid who has been left behind multiple times?
ED: Then again, if the Bledsoe experience is the
equivalent of a 5th grader calling his teacher Mom, what can we make
of Drew Henson? My first instinct is to
call it flat out incest. But in honor of
the man who tried to brain far too many handicapped people, I am thinking it’s
more a case of one who preys on the disabled for sex. In either case, I’m certain Jerry Jones
approves.
PR: Aww...
and if that is the case, how do you think Chad Hutchinson feels? TWO SPORT
STARS!!!
ED: So, you sign a slow-footed QB notorious for
getting sacked as your starter. You have
a failed 3B as your QB of the future who your head coach doesn’t like and won’t
play. You have an O-line that is old and
fragile – yet decent as far as pass blocking goes last year. You have WR’s who
are old and fragile and can’t get open anymore.
But you have a potentially really good TE and a nice array of RB’s. What are the
odds of Bledsoe completing more than 5 20+ yard passes this year? I’m guessing the odds are the same as Henson
suddenly becoming a big league 3rd baseman.
PR: Well, in theory,
signing Peerless Price is going to help since – the story goes – that he and
Bledsoe will regain all that fun chemistry they had in
ED: Julius Jones had a really nice rookie year
last year after Bill Parcells finally realized that
Eddie George had nothing left. Of
course, Jones’ 3 big games were against suspect rushing defenses in Seattle,
Chicago and the Giants. And let’s not
forget that Jones – at least in his college career – was never the best example
of health. So the Cowboys go out and get
Anthony Thomas and draft Marion Barber to help out. Yes, even though pooping on the Cowboys is
fun, these were all good moves. Now if
only the Cowboys O-line could block the run.
PR: The running backs are
fun. Though I will miss Bill thinking up creative ways to
hate Eddie George. Larry Allen has officially reached the “been in the
league so long, I can’t hate him” stage. And I refuse to call Flozell Adams old now since I am 5 months older than him,
so I will just say that he is really really big.
Meanwhile, for all intents and purposes,
ED: And more not-pooping on the Cowboys –
drafting Demarcus Ware and Marcus Spears should
really help the Boys’ non-existent pass rush – which, in turn should help out
their shaky secondary. Of course, Bill Parcells loves him some VETERAN PRESENCE!!! so how much the two picks help the Cowboys remains to be
seen.
PR: Then the Boys went a
last minute pickup of Scott Fujita, who
ED: Some players innovate. Some players cause the league to innovate for
them. George Atkinson and the ensuing Raider
CB’s caused the league to rethink the chuck
rules. Lester Hayes single-handedly
caused the league to ban Stick-Um. Ty Law made the league reconsider legal muggings. And Roy Williams caused the league to rethink
the horse-collar tackle. Yes, that’s
pretty lame. Welcome to the NFL.
ED: Man that is not a
pretty secondary. No,
sir. Not at
all. There’s going to be a lot of
passing on the Cowboys, I assume. A whollllllllle lot of passing.
PR: And a big batch of
personal fouls. And cheap shots. Yeah, I am looking at
you Roy Williams.
PR: Also – why is it that
ED: In theory, there’s a very good shot that the
Cowboys could hit their bye week with a record of 6-2. Of course, after the bye, the Boys pick up a
tougher schedule that could see them go 1-7.
For once the NFL schedule makers don’t make me totally hate them. Of course, I write that now. When the Cowboys are 6-2 at Halloween, I will
want death upon everyone when I forget all this.
ED: Sadly, if things break right for the Boys, a
9-7 season and a Wild Card birth for this team is not out of the question. Shoot, at 7-9 or 8-8 the Cowboys have a good
shot at a Wild Card in the NFC. Don’t
forget to think Tags for parity, people.
Ugly-ugly parity
PR: The interesting thing
with the Cowboys is that they really could finish anyway between say 10-6 and
5-11. Except for the Niners and the Skins, they are
no games you could be like “Well, if the Boys lose that the season is over” On
the other hand though, aside from the two Philly games, I don’t see anything
that screams “Dallas is going to get housed”.
CORRESPONDENCE FROM
CAMP...sorta
To:
George Steinbrenner
From:
Henson, Drew
Dear Mr. Steinbrenner,
Hello. How are you doing? I hope
well. I've been very busy and haven't been able to keep tabs on the baseball
season so much, but I hope the Yankees are having another wonderful season. I
read something about a mutiny or something in April, but I think it was just a
poor stab at humor when I was looking for accurate analysis. I don't know what
happened. Anyway, I happened to see a random box score and I saw that a "A. Rodriguez" was playing third base. I didn't
know who that was, so I did what I always do - I asked my coach for advice. Mr.
Parcells told me that was Aurelio Rodriguez, who he
said "couldn't hit worth a damn or field worth a lick" before
strongly urging me to get back to polishing Tony Romo's
water bottle.
Well, Mr. Steinbrenner, I was
wondering - if this Rodriguez character is really that bad, and the Boone guy
(I forget which one played third - all those wonderful baseball family members
blend together for me) isn't around anymore, well...could I play third base for
the Yankees again? I understand that I've wavered a little bit in the past and
that might make you not want to sign me, so...my agent told me not to do this,
but I'm going to do it anyway.
If you promise (via pinky swear) to
let me start at 3B for the Yankees all season, I will cut my signing-on bonus
in A THIRD. That's right - instead of a $9 million bonus, you'll only need to
give me $6 million. I will also need to be assured that I will never, ever,
ever, ever be traded to
Best regards,
D. Henson
P.S. Please don't write back on team
letterhead. The last team I wrote to (to keep them anonymous, I won't name
them) wrote back on Cardinals letterhead and said "THAT EARL FERRELL AIN'T
CRAP!" before he took the envelope and ripped it up. Thanks in advance.
2004 Record: 6-10
Missed the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: CB Artrell Hawkins; LB Warrick Holdman; WR Santana Moss; WR David Patten; S Pierson Prioleau; C Casey Rabach
DEPARTURES: LB Michael Barrow; WR Laveranues
Coles; WR Rod Gardner; WR Darnerien McCants; RB-KR Chad Morton; LB Antonio Pierce; CB Fred
Smoot;
ED: An interesting aspect of the NFL is that history
means nothing. Zip. Baseball is built on history and connecting
with the past is what baseball is all about.
In the NFL (and NBA, too) reflecting on history is merely another way of
saying you are old. For all intents and
purposes, in the current day NFL Vince Lomardi is now
just some gap-toothed dead guy who has a trophy named after him that the league
only trots out in films now and then just to show that there was a time in
PR: “THE SHOTGUN IS A
TOOL OF THE DEVIL!!!! EVIL I SAY!!! EVIL!!!! PLEASE JESUS! PLEASE KILL ALL
THOSE WHO SHALL REMOVE THEIR HANDS FROM THE CENTER’S BUTTOCKS!!!
ED: This was one horrible offense – especially
for a man who learned at the feet of Don Coryell. And to make matters worse, the Skins had a
legit top-tier defense. The Skins were
third in the league in total yards allowed/game, second in rushing yards
allowed/game, seventh in passing yards allowed/game, fifth in total points
allowed. Even an average offense would
have gotten the Skins a Wild Card spot.
But instead, the Skins farted around with the corpse of Mark Brunell to start the season and then fed Patrick Ramsey to
the lions after they succeeded in pooping on him all through the
pre-season. And when Ramsey finally
became the starter that he should have been all along, he rewards the Skins
with a whole lot of mediocrity. So of
course, how would you reward all this?
Well if you are the Redskins you reach for an iffy QB with one of your
first round picks.
PR: So first Mark Brunell is the chosen one and gets an absurd, only the
Redskins could offer that type of contract that only maybe the Orioles could
have dreamed up. He then craps his, his wife’s, Patrick Ramsey’s Gibbs’, Joe Bugel’s, Greg Williams’, Joe Theismann’s,
Sonny Jergensen’s, Gabril
Wilson’s, Jon Jansen’s Andrea Kramer’s, John Riggins’, Heath Shuler’s, Jay
Schroeder’s, Dan Snyder’s and the trees he cut down for a better view at his
house’s beds. Gibbs holds out and holds out making the QB switch because Brunell is the Chosen One and since the defense kept them
in games, the bad record is due to refs conspiring against the club. Not the
stagnant offense. Nope. Then this year Ramsey is told the offense is all his…
except for the QB we drafted in the first round and for all the people calling
for Brunell to be the starter.
ED: But let’s be honest, pinning the entire blame
of the Skins offensive woes on Ramsey – or even to a lesser extent Brunell – is a touch harsh.
Losing Jon Jansen for the entire season in first pre-season game didn’t
help, but the Clinton Portis still ran for over 1300
yards. So it wasn’t the O-line that
crippled the Skins – well, giving up 38 sacks on the season didn’t help but
that was about what the Eagles gave up and far less than what the Giants
surrendered. The fact that putting Art
Monk and Gary Clark back out there as WR’s possibly
being the Redskins best option had as much to do with the Skins having a putrid
offense as anything. And hey, I called
this in the preview last year! Again,
through enough turds…
PR: Let’s not forget the
4 billion amazingly stupid penalties the team would make. But it was those no
good dirty refs! And
ED: So, you have a couple or underachieving WR’s as your starters.
Basically 3rd of 4th WR’s
on most teams with any sort of offense.
They are not only your best WR’s, they are all you have, for good and bad. What do you do with your draft picks – two of
which are first round draft picks?
That’s right; you draft defense-heavy including getting another CB and a
QB with the first rounders. Of course. Makes sense to me. In an offseason
where you could have gotten say, Randy Moss, with those picks, you address your
lack of WR’s by…trading one of them off for his
doppelganger, letting the other one fly free and hope for the best with a bunch
of cast-offs. If the Skins score 250
points this season, it will be a minor miracle.
PR: At least Chris Cooley
is good a TE. And… and… Santana Moss is fast. A
JET!!!! If you will. DAVID PATTEN!!! PROVEN WINNER!!!
ED: If Clinton Portis
goes down for any length of time this season, not only would the Skins be lucky
to win 5 games, but I am guessing Raven Mack may finally track down Daniel
Snyder. God have mercy on Snyder if that
happens.
PR: Actually – the Ewing
theory would so be in effect if Portis goes down
since Ladell Betts is ideal to run in a Gibbs
offense. Mind you, its not like teams aren’t going to
stack the line to prevent any type of run until the Skins QBs
can prove they can throw against anyone.
ED: Even without Washington LB #56 (does this
joke amuse anyone but us anymore?) for 12 games, the Skins still had a really
great defense. Of course, they lost
their best linebacker, Antonio Pierce, to the Giants and their D-line is full
of overpaid quasi-draft busts and odds are good the defense will be on the
field for 40 minutes a game all season.
But hey, there are limited positives to play with here. Cut me some slack. Chances are better that the Skins defense
will be able to maintain their ’04 level than the offense suddenly becoming
league average.
PR: PLAYER THAT I
IRRATIONALLY LOVE ON THIS MISERABLE TEAM THAT I LOATHE WITH A PASSION:
Cornelius Griffin gave the Giants four good years and the actually had his best
season after getting the giant check from Bank Snyder. G
ED: Shawn Springs tied for the team lead with 6
sacks. I am not making that up. For all the talk about the Cowboys having no
pass rush, they at least had D-linemen who led the team in sacks. Of course, with the way Shawn Springs covers people,
perhaps blitzing him is the Skins’ best option.
PR: Let me just edit up
Ed’s comments from last year
ED: In the secondary, the
loss of Champ Bailey Fred Smoot will be
deeply felt as the Skins are paper thin and unstable everywhere in the
D-backfield but at Fred Smoot Shawn
Springs’ corner spot and possibly rookie headcase, safety Sean Taylor. The Skins will be better
defensively thanks to the Skins finally having a man in charge who can actually
coach, but the talent base is questionable.
ED: The over/under on when Sean Taylor becomes a
Raven or Raider is 3 years.
PR: My favorite part of the whole Sean Taylor offseason
is that the Prosecutor in the case, I went to college with. Ahh…
finally an AU degree is being put to good use.
ED: For all of Daniel Snyder’s love of Jets
trash, I am shocked the Skins have not yet brought in Doug Brien
to replace John Hall. And let’s face it,
there’s no worries about Brien
missing an important playoff field goal here.
PR: There is even less
worry in Chicago. And speaking of Chicago – the Skins losing week 1… oh, I
don’t even want to possibly jinx it. OH! And the fact that Redskins can only
have punters from Ohio State (Tom Tupa (on IR) and
Andy Groom) is so the “Well the Jets’ place kicker is from Ohio State, so
having Buckeye punters is virtually the same thing” move.
CORRESPONDENCE FROM
CAMP...sorta
To: GIBBSGibbsgibbs@hotmail.com
From:
HOGS4Life@aol.com
CC:
Subject: Our year baby
Hey Dan,
It's Dave. I'm at Skins camp now man
and I am telling you - we are looking sweet (even
sweeter than this bitchin' BLACKBERRY!!! Can you believe
my work PAYS for this thing? Man oh man!) for this
year. Sure, we had a off year last year, but I've been
here for an hour and I can already sense that we're gonna
win 14 games this year. First off, man, I was watching our offense before and
it was SMOKIN. You know my boys are sweating in the trenches, so I don't even
need to talk about that. It's like there's a Bugel
blowing all day long (see - Joe Bugel used to be the
coach of the offensive line when they were called the Hogs back in the 80s when
the Redskins were good, which is what my screen name references. And since the
offensive line had a nickname and was successful back then, they would probably
be successful now if the offensive line had a similar nickname. And a bugel is also an instrument, so it was a play on words!) around here. Portis...man...he was
unstoppable today. Well, I mean, he stopped. He was just doing wind sprints.
But I mean...he's SO fast. And when he puts pads on? And a
helmet? Who's gonna be able to stop him? Not
Gap Tooth Campbell Soup boy, I know that much. Oh - and that new quarterback we
got?
Boomshakakasha,
Davey Max
P.S. If you could wire me like $300 that would be really, really clutch right now man. I had a lot of money in my wallet for the trip home but I think Vinny Cerruto made it a roster bonus or something. HE'S A GENIUS!!