NFC SOUTH
ED: I am a glutton. God do I have no interest in this division.
PR: I don’t think the NFL does either.
Listed
in order of 2004 finish. For those who have no reading comprehension
skills…THIS IS NOT A PREDICTION FOR 2005!!!
2004 record: 11-5
Won NFC South. Lost in NFC Conference Title Game to the
ADDITIONS: S Rich
Coady; P Toby Gavin; LB Ed Hartwell; S Ronnie Head;
OG Matt Lehr; PK Todd Peterson; LB Ike Reese; OL Barry Stokes
DEPARTURES: LB Chris Draft; PK Jay Feely; S Cory Hall; DE Travis Hall; DT
Ed Jasper; WR Peerless Price
PR: Take this for whatever – My dog peed on my ESPN the Magazine preview. My son destroyed my SI football preview. In each one, a specific team’s preview was rendered unreadable. That team… the Atlanta Falcons.
ED: Quick. What team was first in the NFL in rushing yards/game? No, I would not have guessed the Falcons either. Especially considering how pathetic the Falcons passing game was given the total uselessness of the Falcons receivers.
PR: Hey, Warrick Dunn. I love me some Warrick Dunn.
IRRATIONAL LOVE ALERT! IRRATIONAL LOVE ALERT! Dunn is far far
too good of a player and a person to play in
ED: Warrick Dunn is an all-around good guy – one of the few decent human beings in the league. So I’m all about telling the world that he was the most valuable Falcons offensive player last year. Which is basically the equivalent of saying that Bill’s the smartest one of the Veteran Presence crew.
ED: WOW!!! Michael Vick got sacked 46 times last season and the Falcons still want to keep him in the West Coast offense? Oh well, I reckon it’s really just a matter of how you want to have ol’ Senor Mexico’s leg broken – crushed in the pocket by Simeon Rice or snapped in the open field by a Derrick Brooks cheap shot.
PR: I’m thinking Homecoming Game at Virginia Tech when Marcus snaps because he can’t live up to his brother rep.
ED: All I know is that after I was with Ron Mexico, I never had any painful discharges. That’s all I’m saying.
PR: Did you call him Mom too?
ED: The only question about Peerless Price at this point – other than how good is Eric Moulds to make even Price actually look like a good WR opposite him – is how soon until he becomes a useless Redskins WR? I give him 3 years tops. Oops. I wrote that and found out the next day that Price got cut. You can speed up the Redskins bit to three weeks now.
PR: The Cowboys are close enough. If football had baseball’s arbitration system – I could so see Moulds’ agent bringing all of that up.
ED: How useless were the Falcons big name WR’s? Dez White and Peerless Price COMBINED for 75 receptions, 945 yards and 5 TD’s. TE Alge Crumpler pulled down 48 receptions, 774 yards and 6 TD’s on his own – in 14 games. Of course, Peerless Price did go 1-1 in passing for 25 yards and a QB Rating of 118.8. Since Ron Mexico was good for 902 yards on the ground, here’s an idea – switch Price and Vick’s positions and you might have an offense. Or not, since Price got cut. Whatever. I don’t care.
PR: See… if Vick was Tom Brady he could throw the ball and then run down and catch it. He would be a true NFL HERO! Of course, if Vick was Tom Brady, he would be white and accepted by the media.
PR: Anyway, Dez White is still hanging around. Michael Jenkins should be better than Price but isn’t not like he is running by any corners. Brian Finneran is… say it with me now… white and gimpy. Hey Alge, yeah you, can you catch 2000 balls this year? Thanks.
ED: Jay Feely is was a field goal kicker for a domed team. And that is a fantasy football fetish in
itself. Jay Feely is not a very good
kicker, however. And that is an NFC
South fetish. Most amusing about Feely
is that he has trouble with the chip shots, struggles with the medium range
tries, but he balances it all out by not making the long kicks either. And because I am an idiot, I just now realize
that Feely went to the Giants in the offseason. Replacing Jay Feely with Todd Peterson is the
equivalent of replacing me with…well, anyone, really – well, anyone equally as
stupid as me.
ED: Wow!
PR: Well, Ed Hartwell is this year’s answer to the front 7s problems. HE WAS A RAVEN!!! FASTER PUSSYCAT!!! KILL! KILL! Yes, I am babbling. DeAngelo Hall is going to have to cover a lot of ground. At least Allen Rossum can return kicks because he sure can’t prevent people from catching the football.
ED: And the fact that the NFC South – and NFC in general – is not being very good aside from, say, the Eagles, brings to mind the pressing question for all NFC teams: if you’re good enough not to completely be the dregs of your division, do you do just enough to compete and damn the future for the sake of falsely exciting your fan base in a Quixotic playoff chase or do you look towards the future, try to rebuild in earnest and plan for years to come when you can dominate this horrid conference? I know every team in the NFC will BS you by saying they are nodding to both scenarios, but…c’mon. What about the Falcons tells you anything more than the team is just looking for another NFC South title and another playoff bumble?
ED: Ehh. Unless the
Panthers manage to cripple their entire roster again this year, the Falcons can
compete for this division and/or likely snatch a wild card spot. Either way, it hardly matters; the Falcons
can’t compete with the Eagles in the playoffs and likely can’t take a healthy
Panthers team. Mmm,
mediocrity…Parity!
PR:
PR: The Falcons have never had back to back winnings seasons. I mention this now because it is going to get drummed into your head by Fox and ESPN this year. Chris Berman probably touched himself in special ways when he heard this for the first time.
AWKWARD INJURY REPORT
OF THE SEASON
Out: WR Brian Finneran (groin), OLB Ike Reese (quadricep)
Doubtful: FB Fred McCrary (concussion)
Questionable: CB Allen Rossum (hamstring), FB Justin Griffith (foot), DT Antwan Lake (leg), QB Michael Vick (genital warts), DE Brady Smith (arm)
Probable: QB Matt Schaub (hand), G Matt Lehr (groin)
2004 Record: 8-8
Missed
the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: WR Az-Zahir Hakim; OG Jermane
Mayberry; RB Antowain Smith; S Dwight Smith
DEPARTURES: CB Ashley Ambrose; S Tebucky Jones;
WR Jerome Pathon; OT Victor Riley; LB Derrick
Rodgers; LB Orlando Ruff
ED: I start this
after Hurricane Katrina has ripped through
ED: Deuce McAllister is still a bad-bad man. He spent most of last year banged up, which crippled the Saints offense – not as much as Aaron Brooks not knowing how to throw a forward pass did, but…close.
ED: See, we here at VP.com are on the fringes of the whole sports journalism thing – at the very-very-very far fringes, of course – so the rule is that we must compare Aaron Brooks with another black QB. That’s the way it works. Hey, don’t look at me. That’s in the manual Paul Tags sent to us. Gotta follow by the NFL rules, ya know. Sure, a QB who cannot throw a ball properly could be compared to, say, modern day Kurt Warner or perhaps even Gus Frerotte. But see…come closer whilst I whisper…Aaron Brooks is…black. Yep. He is. So, obviously, we must compare him to an awful black QB. Of course, this is the NFL so most black QB’s either get no shot to suck and end up in Canada or they are really great/overrated. No real middle ground. So our choices in comparing Brooks are very limited. Basically, we’ve got just Akili Smith or Andre Ware. Pick your poison. Yeesh. That joke has now been beaten down by everyone.
ED: I cannot imagine the degrees of death Phil wishes upon Joe Horn for his cell phone antics a couple of years back against the Giants. But Horn has developed into a nice little WR all the same. One could point out that the Chiefs, always in need of a good WR, made a huge mistake in letting Horn go, but the Chiefs are full of OFFENSIVE GENIUSOSITY!!! so I won’t point that out.
PR: My problem was that not a single member of the Giants made Horn look out his ear hole the rest of the game. But that was an ugly ugly year in general.
ED: Donte Stallworth was a THIRD YEAR WR!!! BREAKOUT!!! and was merely OK. Adding Az-Zahir Hakim to the mix was…about your average unexciting Saints move. And the Saints TE quagmire is just there to remind me once again how much I loathe the TE spot in fantasy football. Not like any of that matters when Aaron Brooks is your QB. But I’m just padding this section, really.
ED: The Saints went
8-8 last year much to my surprise. They
were last in the league in yards allowed/game and towards the bottom of the
pack in pretty much every other defensive category. Offensively, they were a middle of the pack
team in every category except rushing – thanks to Deuce being banged up for the
bulk of the season. So how does a team
like that finish 8-8? The schedule gods
worked in the Saint favor with games against horrid teams like the 49ers,
PR: They are playing the Giants at “home” on Monday night. At least they will get one win.
ED: Of course, no one
will care what the Saints finish…except the 3 football fans in LA. Poor-poor citizens of
PR: The only thing I really have to say about this team is that clearly if they win a lot, they will have deserved it and if any team has the nerve to beat them, then that team clearly is working for a dark dark evil who hates personal property and puppies and flowers and clearly wanted all those people to die. At least, I am sure that is what people like Mike Lupica will tell me.
BB: Yeah – I already feel bad enough about the jokes in the WTW. Pass.
2004 Record: 7-9
Missed
the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: P
Jason Baker; S Idrees Bashir;
CB Ken Lucas; S Marlon McCree; P Tom Rouen; OG Mike Wahle
DEPARTURES: LB Mark Fields; CB Artrell Hawkins;
WR Muhsin Muhammad; QB Rodney Peete;
P Todd Sauerbrun; S Travares
Tillman
ED: Collectively, we here at VP.com like the Panthers a whole bunch. But we have a soft spot in our hearts for those who find country bumpkin doctors for ‘roid prescriptions. So take that for what it’s worth.
PR: This team brings me joy. Of course, I see John Fox and think about how he should be the Giants head coach. Then I am sad. But yeah, lots and lots of goodness abound with the Panthers. So yes, I IRRATIONALLY LOVE THE ENTIRE TEAM
ED: The Panthers lost
pretty much everyone to some sort of injury last year, bottomed out with a loss
to the inept Raiders at home then turned it all around for a late season push
for the wild card that just fell short. Of course, getting a weak schedule towards the end of the season
helped the Panther turn-around.
Getting a tougher schedule this season – picking up the NFC North and
AFC East along with
PR: The Panthers and Falcons play both their games in the last five weeks of the season. There is the NFC South right there.
ED: With all of their RB’s out with injuries, Jake Delhomme ran the offense well enough with ball control – throwing just enough to move the ball and throwing few INT’s – so that the Panthers defense could control the games. Actually, Delhomme didn’t do as much to control the ball as Muhsin Muhammad did. But the Panther cut Muhammad as a sal cap casualty (THANK YOU, PAUL TAGLIABUE!!! MEDIOCRI—ERR, PARITY!!!) and he since signed with the Bears. So no point talking much about Muhammad here. So I won’t. SCRAP HEAP QB!!!
PR: Aww… you and Dean are just sad
that Rodney Petee is slumming
it on Fox Sports Net instead of still on the team. So few old
players left. Where have you gone kickers named
ED: Nick Goings ran for 821 yards in the absence of DeShaun Foster and Stephen Davis. Nick Goings is really-really-really-really-really white. A white RB ran for over 800 yards. Now, I don’t watch ESPN so I can’t vouch for Berman, but a white RB rushing for over 800 yards in this day and age and the media not making him out to be a God really-really-really-really-really stuns me. But I’m assuming Berman was really-really-really-really-really sucking at that codpiece. Just a hunch. Thank God, I don’t watch ESPN.
PR: Well Goings is no TOUCHDOWN TOMMY!!!!
ED: That picture of Rod Smart in his Yahoo player page is to die for.
PR: Rod Smart JUMPED THE SHARK~! when he changed his nickname. That was a decision worthy of someone who once collectged a paycheck from Vince McMahon
ED: So the Panthers let Muhammad fly and are now relying on this WR corps: Steve Smith (not only to produce but to stay healthy and out of trouble), second year kid (ONE SEASON FROM BREAKOUT!!! BREAKOUT!!!) Keary Colbert and…Ricky Proehl. Uhh…hmm. Well…yeah. The Panthers are going to need some prayers that Davis and Foster stay/get healthy this year.
PR: When someone starts doing a Veteran Presence RESTART website in like 10 years. I am thinking Ricky Proehl is going to be one of the first FPOTM. Though Rod Smart works too.
ED: Think of what a pain in the ass you have to be to get run out of town as a punter. But at least now the Panthers can sign a Grammatica without worrying about their punters HEAT! with the Oompa-Loompa family.
PR: At least it can be blamed on the roids now.
ED: I have no idea why I like the Panthers defense so much. Of course, I am a Raider fan – what do I know about defense? The Panthers were a middle of the pack bunch last season and are verging on being overrated. Having an offense that can actually grind the clock (Do I need to pay Jorge Posada money for using the word grind?) would help the defense out a whole bunch – and the lack of which I’m assuming was the cause of the big drop in the defensive rankings last season. Man, I really like this defense.
PR: Jorge Posada is stealing enough money, he doesn’t need yours. Well, Julius Peppers is amazing and basically had three scores himself so he was more productive on offense AND defense than most of the NFL.
ED: Aww, Ricky Manning Jr is now
Chris Gamble’s back-up. Backing up an
PR: Now you are just trying to drive off one of our 6 readers. Marc is sad.
ED: There’s enough here defensively for the Panthers to vie for the division title or a wild card. I’m not too thrilled with the O – especially if Stephen Davis never gets healthy – but it’s not like anyone else they’ll need to compete with are the ’83 Chargers. If the Panthers make the playoffs, they’re the team to fear. But that offense will have to be healthy and productive to give them a good shot.
PR: They can’t be that unhealthy for two straight years…
right? right??? Maybe, if I tell myself this enough it
will come true. Aww… crap, I just remembered I had
Jake Delhomme on my fantasy team. I’m sorry
AWKWARD INJURY REPORT
OF THE SEASON
Out: RB Stephen Davis (knee), RB Nick Goings (foot), RB DeShaun Foster (knee), RB Rod Smart (hate), RB Brad Hoover (concussion)
2004 Record: 5-11
Missed the playoffs
ADDITIONS: TE
Anthony Becht; CB Juran
Bolden; PK Matt Bryant; WR Ike Hillard; DT Chris Hovan; QB Luke McCown
DEPARTURES: ORG Cosey Coleman; DT Chartric Darby; CM Mario Edwards; LB Ian Gold; QB Brad
Johnson; WR Joe Jurevicius; WR Charles Lee; OG Matt O’Dwyer; S Dwight Smith
ED: 2002 was sooooooooooo long ago. Trust me. I know. But at least the Raiders got all those draft picks for Chuckie – that they, of course, burnt on uselessness. All the Bucs got was…equally as bad as the Raiders. But hey, at least the Bucs fans had that one season in the sun before Chuckie decided to wreck the team. Huzzah!
ED: That Chris Simms. He sure is a wasted #9 overall pick. No. That joke will NEVER EVER EVER get old.
ED: Unbeknownst to
everyone, Michael Clayton had a big year as a rookie WR – 1193 yards and 7 TD’s. HUGE for a rookie WR.
Rookie of the Year worthy. I have no idea if they even do rookie of the
year awards in the NFL anymore. You
know, all the Brady is God publicity kind of drowned out my enthusiasm. Phil tells me it was Ben Overrated. Which explains everything. God, someone needs to nuke test
PR: The best it Ed asked me who won it last year and I think I named 5 guys who I thought could have won it based on their performance. None of those 5 was Big Ben. Yeah, that shouldn’t have come as a shock. Of course, I also forgot that Jonathan Vilma won the defensive player on and I am a Jets fan. Poor little unmarketable players.
ED: Boy, there’s a whole heap o’ crud on offense. Yet, all of that crud has a use. Griese provides us with “tripping over the dog” jokes. Michael Pittman provides us with a new way of joking about abusing one’s wife. Charlie Garner provides us with a different way of spelling toast. Joey Galloway provides us with new ways of referring to the marginal player who was marginally overrated. See, all very useful. Oh, you thought I meant useful on the football field? Oh, no. No-no-no-no-no. No. Perish the thought.
PR: Brian Griese – REJUVENATED! VETERAN LEADER!!!! Oh and TB decided that the best way to continue to improve the offense was to sign castoffs from New York teams – Ike Hillard, Anthony Becht, Matt Bryant. Yeah, this failure will really make Ed happy.
ED: Buc QB’s were sacked 44 times
last season. The team was 29th
in the league in rushing yards/game. Now, Chuckie did
a fine job in
PR: At least Griese lives in the correct state for old folks to retire in. BTW, that O-line, yeah, now its starting a rookie at LG. But why are we worrying. GRUDEN’S QBs GET RID OF THE BALL QUICK!
ED: I don’t give a
crap about rookies, normally. But
Cadillac Williams makes me happy just because he has a nickname to like. At least no one’s calling him Hummer like his
former
PR: Aww… why do you want him to drive his Grandfather’s car?
ED: The Bucs were monstrous defending the pass last season – finishing first in the league in passing yards allowed/game with an average of 161.2. Man, that’s phenomenal. Of course, the defense was not nearly so good against the run – finishing 19th overall in rushing yards allowed/game. Considering the Bucs finished 5-11 and were behind a whole lot, that is convenient…for everyone else in the league.
ED: Some people and I had a discussion at work after a major highway was all backed up due to an accident and we joked about being trapped in the office forever – whom do you kill first? No. Not as a means for food, but as a symbolic Lord of the Flies type murder to have a head on a stake to show everyone who’s boss. Mostly, it served to figure out who is the most loathed person in the office. But there might have been some point behind it. Maybe. Probably not. Anyway, as far as the Bucs defense goes, who would you think they’d kill first? Essentially it comes down to Simeon Rice or Derrick Brooks – especially with Sapp gone (though he would have been kept around for food, no doubt). Symbolically, I would assume the proper decision would be to kill off Brooks since he gets all the press. But really, wouldn’t it make more sense to get Rice – the better, bigger and more important guy than Brooks? And really I’m just reaching here for a way to insult Brooks for the cheap shot that killed Gannon’s career and forced the Kerry Collins era on me far earlier on me than I was ready for. Stupid Derrick Brooks.
PR: You act like Chris Hovan wouldn’t be the one because of some sorta “sorry new guy” logic. Or it would be Boger McFarland because everyone was tired of his nickname. Of course, if they started picking off people in Ed’s office, I think it would have to be the Lance Armstrong fan. Oh wait – that’s Bill’s office. Hmm… I guess it would be the crazy guy who could beat Big Blue. No that’s my office. Ed’s office… geez, maybe Ed would take out his boss for making him go to training every day. Oh, that’s right…
ED: I just now
discovered that Dexter Jackson signed back with the Buc
after getting cut by
PR: You definitely don’t want to see who I used for the NFC East card.
ED: Best case scenario for the Bucs? Matt Leinart in the 2006 draft. That’s pretty much all the hope they have this year. I am heart broken.
PR: They are a big batch of ugly games involving the Bucs lined up for this year. Especially
playing
AWKWARD INJURY REPORT
OF THE SEASON
Out: RB Mike Alstott (concussion), DT Booger McFarland (leg), MLB Shelton Quarles (knee)
Doubtful: RB Michael Pittman (jail), WR Joey Galloway (smugged), LB Jeff Gooch (gooch)
Probable: CB Brian Kelly (arm)