NFC WEST
ED: Here's the
back history on this whole preview business.
This division has been delayed beyond even our normal levels of
procrastinating. It is Sunday morning of
the first week of the season. Phil is
slapping this up at
BB: Hehehe…noon
2004 Record: 9-7
Won NFC West, Lost in NFC Wild Card Round to St. Louis
ADDITIONS: LB
Kevin Brantley; DT Chartric Darby; CB Andre Dyson; DE Bruce Fisher; CB Kelly
Herndon; WR Joe Jurevicius; LB Jamie Sharper; WR Peter Warrick
DEPARTURES: LB
Chad Brown; QB Trent Dilfer; LB Orlando Huff; CB Ken Lucas; DE Chike Okeafor;
WR Jerry Rice; WR Koren Robinson; P Tom Rouen; KB Anthony Simmons; CB Bobby
Taylor; OT Chris Terry
PR: God, what a
miserable miserable division. The Seahawks “won” the division by barely getting
over .500 and the second place team but them twice in the regular season and
then eliminated them in the playoffs. That was some ugly ugly football. Poor
little dropped passes. Of course, for
ED: Aww, but would Seatle fans ever be happy with
their sports unless they let their good players go and replace them with crap;
then, when the good players come back, boo them because of the ineptitude in
the front office? Or is that a
baseball-only tradition?
PR: Well,
somehow someway, Shaun Alexander still remains with
ED: I doubt Holmgren actually talks to any
players who aren't QB's, actually.
PR: And the best
pro QB on the West Coast continues to be Seneca Wallace.
ED: Marques Tuiasasopo demands a recount.
PR: PLAYER ON
THIS MISERABLE TEAM I IRRATIONALLY LOVE: Joe Jurevicius. WHITE POWER!!! I sadly
get depressed (well yeah that’s redundant but fudge it) thinking about what
Jurevicius and his wife went through with their kid and I will get misty and
reflective and hold my own son a little tighter and longer. Not enough good
things can happen to him the rest of his career and life. And I hope that
football brings him the slightest bit of distraction and joy from this poopy
world that we live in. Oof… I will probably need to Ed to sorta read this. Yeah, I may or may not be drunk but I don’t
really care. Of course, I wish he wouldn’t play for teams that are sad. I
really really hate the Giants sometimes.
ED: All that coming from a guy who made an Utley
joke in the
PR: Walter Jones
not holding out again ruined the one thing that I looked forward to with this
ugly team. God dammit, I really hate this team.
ED: I can't get worked up enough to conjure hate
for this team. It's like, in my world
the NFC West doesn't exist. Come, join
my world.
PR: Whatever,
the rest of the team can go to hell. Holmgren will probably sign Freddie
Mitchell to put him ahead of Jurevicius because he’s a genius and since FredEx
beat the Packers and Holmgren once coached the Packers it would make perfect
sense in the nonsensical NFL MENSA world. And then idiots will call up whatever
stupid all-sports dribble they have in
ED: Wow! I
had quite the little bit of clean up to do.
As I told you all earlier, the longer the previews dogged us, the darker
we would get. I am afraid to scroll dow
to the Rams section then. Anyhoo,
yeah. What Phil said, I guess. I really-really-really don't care.
2004 Record: 8-8
Earned Wild Card Berth, Got rolled in NFC Divisional Playoffs by the Atlanta
Falcons
ADDITIONS: LB
Chris Claiborne; LB Dexter Coakley; S Michael Hawthorne; OG Rex Tucker; TE
Roland Williams
DEPARTURES: QB
Chris Chandler; S Rich Coady; S Antuan Edwards; DE Bryce Fisher; LB Tommy
Polley; OT Kyle Turley
PR: I’M MIKE
MARTZ!!! I’M SO SMART WE DON’T NEED PLAYBOOKS!!! I AM CONTROLLING ALL THE
PLAYERS VIA MY MIND!!!! THAT’S RIGHT BABY!!! TELEKINESIS!!!! PUPPETS!!! ALL OF
THEM PUPPETS!!! ON STRING!!! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!!!!
ED: I have no idea if I corrected telekinesis
properly. I am too lazy and it is to
early to check. All I know is that it
took me 5 minutes to figure out what the word he had there was supposed to be.
PR: I am
assuming someone has told Marshall Faulk about the big old fork in his back
that Steven Jackson jabbed in there. And I am also assuming someone told Steven
Jackson that just because he is the #1 back, it doesn’t mean that Martz won’t
run something like a double reverse on 4th & goal with the playoffs on the
line. and neither him NOR Faulk will be on the field. Two steps ahead people.
Two steps.
ED: Football Prospectus says Martz is not a
genius. Of course, they also think Brady
is the greatest QB ever. Just throwing
that out there.
PR: Thank God
Torry Holt has football to fall back on because live draft analysis… oof. I
think I am coming down in on the side of Isaac Bruce – no longer as good as
advertised. I mean, he isn’t going to break his hip… yet. Playing on turf might
be a blessing to many but it can also be a curse. And one of these years I will
remember to run a pool on “Name the Rams 3rd wideout this season”. Of course, I
probably would have picked Eric Crouch again.
ED: I will always pick Flipper Anderson. But I
just want to put his name in there since Phil won't look at this again and
won't be able to cures at me for throwing his name out there. Who? Flipper
PR: Brandon
Manumaleuna has the ridiculously tough name to spell so he is a perfect tight
end. And where do you go if players are questioning your heart and your ability
to be a good teammate.
ED: The Rams have TE's? Why?
PR: I’m
convinced that Mike Martz refuses to talk to Marc Bulger because he thinks the
state of
ED: Well, it's not as inexplicable as Kurt Warner
still having a career - and as a starter to boot. I mean, back up QB's can hang around forever
holding clipboards and styling the new wave of ugly hats. But bad starting QB's? Wow!
PR: Oh excuse
me… this just in but Allen Rossum has scored again. Poor poor special teams.
ED: You do not believe in Football
Prospectus. You do not believe.
PR: PLAYER ON
THIS MISERABLE TEAM I IRRATIONALLY LOVE: Adam Archuleta. How hard do you think
Archuleta has to play and for how long does he have to do it to erase the nasty
stigma Jason Sehorn slapped on all white secondary members. And I demand to
hear about the unreport locker room throw down when Archuleta clearly had to
clean Sehorn’s clock on general principal.
ED: Phil Rippa: proud white man.
PR: I am going
to skip the rest defense because I will just ranting about Leonard Little
again. Especially when ESPN writes things like “His legal troubles behind him…”
HE SHOULD BE IN JAIL! JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE!!!! Breathe… Okay… Breathe…
ED: C'mon, Phil.
Does anyone but us remember Ray Lewis' legal troubles? They do not. He was an innocent man. According the the NFL media guidelines you
have exactly 6 minutes to hang on to all memories of a player's legal troubles,
then Tags forces you to forget. I mean,
look at
ARIZONA
CARDINALS
2004 Record: 6-10
Missed the Playoffs
ADDITIONS: S
Robert Griffith; LB Orlando Huff; DE Chike Okeafor; OT Oliver Ross; QB Kurt
Warner, WR Charles Lee
DEPARTURES: OG
Ian Allen; OT Anthony Clement; CB Renaldo Hill; TE Freddie Jones; OT L.J.
Shelton; RB Emmitt Smith; OG Cameron Spikes; CB Duane Stakrs; LB Raynoch
Thompson; DE Kyle Vanden Bosch
PR: It really
goes with out saying that Pat Tillman will always be the only person in Arizona
really really worthy of flat out adoration. I mean, he actually wanted to play
for them because he love the city and the people, despite having the most
miserable owners in the world. Of course, the NFL… and well the Army… pissed
all over him. Sadly, I think the last of my spirit was left up there in the
Seahawks section. Congratulations, NFL. You win. I will go download Jessica
Simpson right now. And drive a Ford. And drink Bud.
ED: C'mon, Phil.
The NFL hasn't forgot Pat Tillman.
(You can get $50 collector plates and $400 throwback Tillman jerseys at
NFL.com I assume.) He will never be
forgotten. (NFL.com takes Visa,
people.) The NFL is dedicated to his
memory. (Hey, maybe little Pat Tillman
action figures that come with army fatigues AND a Cardinal uniform!) Mmm, NFL.co...err, I mean, the NFL will never
forget. (Commemorative coins! Need commemorative coins!) To-to...to honor a fine young man. Not to cash in. (NFL will take Mastercard too but they prefer
Visa.) He is a testament to all that is
fine with people in this land. (You
know, you can get a DVD of the Pat Tillman ceremonies for ONLY $99.95 at
NFL.com) Fine-fine young man. (Mmm, money.)
PR: ARIZONA!!!
SUPER BOWL BOUND!!!! THIS YEAR’S SEAHAWKS!!! THIS YEAR’S JAGUARS!!!! Err… umm…
hmmm… maybe that’s not so good.
ED: Yeah.
Right. Sleeper picks are sooooo
2004, Phil.
PR: Oh and there
is almost always one game late in the season where I root ridiculously hard for
the Cardinals because they are playing a good team hard and it would bring me
amazing join for said team to lose (think the Minnesota game two years ago). Anyway
– this year’s game is so the Christmas Eve game against the Eagles. I am giddy
already.
ED: No.
You are merely sleep-deprived at this point.
PR: Hehehehehe….
Kurt Warner…. hehehehehe… God – I wish I could have been there for the first
time Brenda Warner met Dennis Green. “You will NOT kill my husband. So help me
God. I will find a radio station to call.” Of course, I wish I could have been
there any of the times Kurt brought all of his QB teammates around the house
for Kool Aid. “Whoops. I’m so kltuzy. I didn’t mean to drop that bookcase on
your leg. I’m sure it will eventually heal.”
ED: See, I thought Phil was going to go with -
"Whoops. I'm so kltuzy. I didn't mean to drop that BOOK on your leg. What book is that? Why it's the Bible!
AreyoufamiliarwithourLordandSaviorJesusChrist? You aren't?
Brenda, lock the doors. Did you
know that I once was a bag boy? You
might have seen the email. I was a bag
boy and I found thise beautiful young lady come into the store--Wait! Is that a cyanide pill you're taking?"
PR: It might
just be me but I would much rather have the Cards receiving corps over the
Lions. Anquan Boldin, Larry Fitzgerald and the always forgotten Bryant Johnson.
All under 25. All about to be sabatoged by Warner. I guess maybe this is how
Tagliabue gets his parity. All the really good groups of receivers are stuck
with horrific QBs whose can duck and chuck and throw in the flat when needed.
ED: Tom Brady doesn't have ANY WR's. He throws the ball downfield then runs after
and catches it like a Bugs Bunny cartoon!
Tom Brady can get by without ANY WR's says everyone! Are you telling me that teams need WR's? You would be a liar! All teams need is Tom Brady!
PR: J.J.
Arrington is probably the most forgotten about rookie running back this year.
Of course, he was drafted in the second round and he didn’t hold out for all of
camp and I don’t think he has a car nickname and he plays in Arizona. Marcel
Shipp is still lingering around. Enough so that someone will draft him in
fantasy thinking he is going to be the starter.
ED: Aww, Arrington has gotten some ridiculous
press for being a rookie RB stuck in football Ethiopia. Remember people, if the Cards are high on a
player, he will get crippled. It's the
way of the world.
PR: The defense
at least now has a bunch of guys who should be able to pressure the QB.
Bertrand Berry, Chike Okeafor plus there is Calvin “Hi – I am a first round
pick!” Pace. Russell Davis takes up a bunch of space and Darnell Dockett could
be real good. They will all need to bust through some blocks and it’s not like
the rest of the defense is going to do much of anything. Antrel Rolle is going
to get picked on until he can prove he can play.
ED: Who in this division is going to pick on
Rolle? The Rams will be too smart to
throw on the Cards. The Seahawks will
not catch anything thrown. And the
49ers...yeah. I could be playing corner
for the Cards and be all right.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ers
2004 Record: 2-14
You better believe they missed the playoffs
ADDITIONS: DE
Marques Douglas; OT Jonas Jennings; CB Willie Middlebrooks; WR Johnnie Morton;
PK Joe Nedney
DEPARTURES: DE
John Engelberger; C Brock Gutierrez; FS Ronnie Head; OT Kyle Kosier; PK Todd
Peterson; DE Brandon Whiting; CB Jimmy Williams, WR Cedrick Wilson
PR: So… watch
any good videos during the off season?
ED: Bill Parcells still trying to figure what is
offensive about the Jap jokes in those videos.
PR: Who knew
that the Bidwells would have a battle for being the worst owners in just their
own division.
ED: I honestly couldn' even tell you who 49ers
owner is. Which is fine, because my lack
of knowledge is matched only by my lack of care.
PR: The 49ers
won two games last year… in a division where the best team only had 9 wins. And
they get no sympathy from me. Oh yes – if there is a team I am gleeful about
falling off a cliff, it is this one.
ED: Aww, but the
Niners are winning my hart by bringing in stat nerds to the front office. YOU CAN'T WIN WITH STAT-TISTICS! VINCE LOMBARDI NEVER HAD NO KIDS WITH
COMPUTERS WORKING FOR HIM! ALL YOU
NUMBER CRUNCHERS ARE GAY HOMERSECKSHUALS!
Poor little stuck in the '50's NFL.
PR: The choices
at Quarterback are Tim Rattay, CHOSEN ONE~! Alex Smith and WINNER! Ken Dorsey. If
I didn’t hate San Fran, I would feel sorry. Instead, I am giddy.
ED: Well, as long as they have Thomas Herrion
blocking for them...Oh, boo yourself.
Someone had to bring the hell-bound statement in this piece.
PR: There was
something that always amused me about Madden 2004 and that was during the
random openings of the game – they had one of Jeremy Newberry. And it was great
because I was like “I am positive no one has the slightest clue who that is and
they are going to think he won a contest to get into the game.” Well, that and
Junior Seau blowing his lines over and over. Maybe if Junior was a little less
manly, he could have remembered “EA Sports. It’s In the Game.”
ED: That is what you call padding out a piece you
didn't want to mess with. Yeah, we
should have really done some lame chat argument to cover for the 49ers like we
did for the Browns.
PR: Julian
Peterson is easily the PLAYER TO IRRATIONALLY LOVE. Of course, his “amazing”
comeback from tearing his Achilles and my endorsement pretty much ensure muscle
ripped from bone.
ED: Well, at least he will still be alive.
PR: Sometimes
you don’t need jokes. Just facts. The Niners wide receivers, according to
NFL.com, for the first game of the season. Fred Amey, Arnaz Battle, P.J. Fleck,
Derrick Hamilton, Brandon Lloyd, Rasheed Marshall, Marcus Maxwell, Johnnie
Morton and Rashaun Woods. Have fun boys.
ED: In Washington, this would be considered WR
depth.
PR: San Fran at
Arizona on Sunday night football is by far the ugliest prime time match up of
the season. And of course, if they beat the Giants, I will cry and cry and cry.
ED: Well, at least the Raiders maybe-possibly won't be the worst team in their state.