The Veteran Presence 2005 Mrs. Urbina Memorial MLB
Preview: AL East
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ED: We have reliable word from INSIDE SOURCES~! that five minutes after ALCS Game 7, Brian Cashman was dragged into the bowels of Yankee Stadium, far
below Babe Ruth’s grave in LF in the secret Steinbrenner bunker where Billy
Martin and Mickey Mantle’s bloated livers are kept around to store water for
the stadium sprinkling system. Cashman was bound and gagged by The Boss’s pinstriped
militants; Hensley Meulens, Sam Militello
and Domingo Jean and forced to sit and wait for the while watching game films
of the 1991 Yankees Clockwork Orange-style as Steinbrenner went looking to pick
fights with Red Sox fans in elevators.
We now present to you this partial transcript of the proceedings:
GS: Benny!
BC: It’s Brian, sir.
GS: Right.
So, Bobby.
What do you have to say for yourself?
BC: Umm…I’m sorry, sir. I’m…sorry.
I-I…
GS: Sorry?
And…?
BC: …And?
GS: And what are you going to do about it? I need a plan NOW or so help me I can work
out a trade to send you to Tampa Bay.
Chuck LaMar was giving me some interesting
ideas the other day, you know.
BC: Uhh…Well, we can…
GS: We can what, Bradley?
BC: We can get some pitch—
GS: You know what we need, Billy? We need more of that grit. We didn’t have enough grit! Grit! Look at the Red Sox! Gritty as a gravel road! Beards and long hair! That’s what the gritty kids are all about
these days!
BC: Uhh…sir…you
have team rules against that.
GS: That’s right, Bucky! Damn straight we do! Figggin’ hippies!
BC:
Rii…ight.
GS: So, Brandy, what are you going to do to get
this team back to it’s old glory? We need more Mike Stanton’s and Tino Martinez’ on this club! That’s what we need!
BC: Hmm.
BB: I’m seeing a totally
different scenario from sometime in August.
Cashman: Captain Steinbrenner, under operating procedures governing the
release of left-handed pitchers we cannot trade for a LOOGY unless both you, and I agree.
Capt.
Steinbrenner: [shouting over Cashman] Levine, what're
you waiting for?
Cashman: This is not a formality sir, this is *expressly* why your command
must be repeated. It requires my assent, I *do not* give it and further more,
you continue upon this course, and insist upon this launch without confirming
this message first...
Capt.
Steinbrenner: [shouting over Cashman] Son of a bitch.
As commanding officer of the Yankees, I order you to place the Gee-M under
arrest under charges of mutiny.
Cashman: I will act, backed by the rules of precedence...
Capt.
Steinbrenner: [shouting at Levine, over Cashman] I
say again, as owner of the New York Yankees, I *order you*...
Cashman: -authority in command, regulations number 815, to relieve, you, of,
command, captain.
Capt.
Steinbrenner: -to place the Gee-M under arrest, under charges of mutiny!
[Silence
all round]
Capt.
Steinbrenner: LEVINE!
Randy
Levine: Captain, please, the GM is right. We can't trade unless he concurs.
Capt.
Steinbrenner: [Turns on WFAN] " Yankees: Boston right-handed bats being
lined up. Platoon advantage compromised, dissidents threaten to launch over
Green Monster onto Landsowne Street. Immediately
launch 72 mph curveballs that end up two feet outside the zone." They're
FUELLING THEIR MISSILES! We don't have time to (screw) around!
Cashman: Sir, I think you need time to think this over.
Capt.
Steinbrenner: *I* DON'T HAVE TO THINK THIS OVER!
Cashman: [stares at Steinbrenner, nodding] Captain, I relieve you of your
command of this team. Levine, escort the Captain to his state room, I'm
assuming command.
Capt.
Steinbrenner: You're not assuming anything!
Cashman: VICE PRESIDENT OF TAMPA BAY OPERATIONS, Captain Steinbrenner is
under arrest, *lock* him in his state room!
Levine:
GM, please...
Cashman: NOW, RANDY!
PR: See this section was
nice because it allowed for that extra time for my hatred and seething and bile
and bitterness to continue to fester before I put keystrokes to keyboard. Oh
yes – I love and hate the Yankees. I love and hate the American League East. I
love and hate baseball. All of them cruel cruel
mistresses. Today’s goal – make one pass through the
division without breaking my hand or kicking the dog. Back
to Ed and Bill being funny.
ED: Hey, instant nostalgia! I’m trying to remember something from 1998
but I’ve got nothing. The
Macarena, maybe? Ricky Martin and Fred Durst having careers? Maybe that horrible second
Austin Powers movie? Far too many references to Bill Clinton’s dong? Yeah, these
are all things I’ve purposely blocked from my memory. But one person’s kitschy past is another
person’s golden years. And for Yankees,
1998 was golden beyond belief. Of course
reliving your glory days by bringing back Mike Stanton and Tino
Martinez at this point is the equivalent of still showing off your regrettable
eyebrow piercing to me, but…who am I to judge?
Though I do reserve the right to judge if Hideki Irabu, Chad Curtis and Clay Bellinger
are brought back by mid-season.
PR: Sadly, the Yankees
know how to continue to win me over. Maybe this will be the year they actually
pull the trigger on a deal for perpetually on the block Mike Lowell. I will
gladly try and talk Paul O’Neill out of retirement. Heck, they even had Homer
Bush in Spring Training this year.
BB: The sad thing is
seven years from now, I will be 28 and I will be trying to justify the Red Sox
re-acquisitions of Gabe Kapler,
Kevin Millar, and Mike Myers to myself while I long for the return of Mark Bellhorn and a 73-year-old Dave Roberts. And then my wife
will come in and I will see the unnecessary tattoo in the small of her back and
I will regret the last seven years of my life. The strange thing is how vividly
I can see the nightmares where I remember awful things that haven’t even
happened yet.
PR: I am going to assume
that you are going to select your wife based on who pays you for World Series
tickets. And while the Yanks can make me swoon with a 98 reunion tour, I was 21
for the 96 World Series and am not clamoring for the return of Mariano Duncan,
Andy Fox, Mike Aldrete, Dale Polley
or Ricky Bones.
ED: The Yankee mindset
this off-season in regards to their starting pitching was to sort of follow Voros’ DIPS theories and pick up strike out pitchers, since
they didn’t trust guys who allowed the other team to put the ball in play – the
kinder way of stating that you have no faith in your defense. And since your up the middle defense consists
of Derek Jeter, Tony Womack and Bernie Williams, one would think this is a
pretty sound decision. Of course, the
theory was brought about as the result of blowing the ALCS to the Red Sox who
didn’t so much beat the Yankees with their own offense as much as they did shut
down the Yankees offense. But who am I
to shoot holes?
PR: The more I think
about it – I could actually see the Yankees signing Womack and then be “forced”
to keep Bernie Williams in centerfield just to make Jeter’s ability to field
look that much better.
BB: I would give the Dave
Roberts & Curt Schilling & idiots speech to Ed
but I’m so freaking sick of hearing it that I don’t want to subject anyone,
myself included, to it again.
PR: On a side note, I
don’t think I have ever hated a person more who didn’t actually cause my source
of hatred than Dave Roberts. In non-gibberish, I don’t hate Dave Roberts
because he stole a base or because he is fugly. I
have nothing against Dave Roberts as a human being. I hate Dave Roberts because
of all of Bostonian carrying on like his was Samuel freaking Adams. It is probably
for the best that he got out of town when he did before someone encased him in
Lucite so his legacy could be preserved forever. Curt Schilling on the other
hand…. well I am not paypalling Sweetser
money to cover the additional bandwidth cost that would be my hate. Yikes, and
I haven’t even gotten out of the Yankees section yet.
ED: Anyway… the point is that the Yanks showed
the door to El Duque, Jon Lieber
and Javier Vazquez – mostly because they didn’t have high enough K rates – and
replaced them with guys who have/had good K rates in Randy Johnson, Jaret Wright and Carl Pavano: an
old, yet great, guy with a history of back troubles; a head-case rehab project;
and a guy who had a youth full of arm injuries, fresh off a stint of having his
limbs nibbled on by Jack McKeon. I’m not
calling a trap yet, but I sure wouldn’t feel overly-confident about this
scenario.
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Sometimes I poke holes in Ed...’s
theories |
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Pitcher |
2003 K/9 |
2004 K/9 |
Career K/9 |
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Javier Vazquez |
9.40 |
6.82 |
7.73 |
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Orlando Hernandez |
(6.97) |
8.93 |
7.22 |
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Jon Lieber |
5.55 |
5.20 |
6.53 |
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Randy
Johnson |
9.87 |
10.62 |
11.12 |
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Jaret Wright |
7.99 |
7.68 |
6.75 |
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Carl Pavano |
5.96 |
5.63 |
5.92 |
BB: If that really is the
case – the Yankees are in for a bit of a rude awakening. Sure, adding Johnson
is going to be an improvement with strikeouts on pretty much anyone else in
baseball – but Wright and Pavano both are pretty much
more of the same when it comes to strikeouts – especially when you consider
regression to the mean in the cases of Vazquez and Wright. I’m not particularly
sure this Yankees pitching staff is better than last year’s.
PR: There were two
reasons to get Randy Johnson – strikeouts and because the strikeouts come from
his left arm. Wright and Pavano actually how
marginally lower K/9 rates than any of the three they are replacing (though
Wright has the same comical injury history that El Duque
has). The loss of Lieber was due to the one day the
Yanks tried to express fiscal restraint and the Kris Benson contract. Hernandez
is about a 100 so Kenny Williams decided he must have him. Javier Vazquez was
abandoned too soon but since he replacement was Randy
Johnson, I will be stupid and not hate it. So the Yanks dumping said folks wasn’t the bad part. It was the parts they added.
ED: Returning to the Yankee rotation are Mike Mussina and Kevin Brown.
Mussina –
depending on whether you ask the question inside or outside of the
password protected confines of SOSH – is either the most criminally underrated
and unlucky starter in baseball over the past 15 years, or a whole lot of
wicked suck. He takes the ball every
fifth day, gives you quality starts, walks no one and causes no trouble. But he never wins 20 games, is generally on
the short side of Yankee playoff failures and is in no way flashy. That and he’s paid
according to the 2000 market, which makes him a target for more hate than he
deserves.
BB: The only thing to
dislike about Mike Mussina is that really obnoxious
rising-out-of-his-shell stretch move he has. Oh, and he looks smarmy. AND he
went to Stanford, which means he probably is smarmy. And he’s rich. And he gets
too much “I’m so underrated” press (no offense Ed) for him to actually be
underrated. So actually there is a lot to dislike about Mike Mussina.
PR: Well, if he was
stupid and had long, flowing hair and was a drunk, he would be beloved and
misunderstood. God, imagine if he had corn rows and didn’t know how to dance.
ED: Kevin Brown, on the
other hand…Well, just a guess, since I’ve not asked Phil about this, but I
assume the average Yankee fan wants to treat him the way the NYPD treats
Haitian immigrants. Just
a hunch.
PR: Well, most average
Yankee fans loved Kevin Brown because they were Kevin Brown – old, broken down
and surly. Oh and drunk. He would never give up his seat to a pregnant woman on
the subway. Plus, his education was on the level or the Post or the Daily News.
It was the ultimate match. Then he imploded at the end of the year and the
average Yankee fan became enraged because Lupica told
them to. Of course, I don’t worship at the altar of Derek Jeter’s Gold Glove so
maybe I shouldn’t be answering this question. I suck.
BB: All I will say is –
Kevin Brown had a lot more to do with the Red Sox winning the ALCS than Dave
Roberts did.
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The Most Valuable Properties for a
Reliever, 2005 |
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Property |
Approximate
Value |
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Proven Veteran Closer |
$4,140,000 |
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Joe Torre’s Trust |
$2,650,000 |
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Bulldog Goatee |
$2,125,000 |
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Dumb, easily memorable nickname/gimmick |
$1,750,000 |
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Left Arm Capable of Throwing >70 mph |
$1,000,000/yr
for perpetuity |
BB: Some fun gimmicks:
Having a club foot, throwing from 6:00, hopping over the foul line, giving up
home runs at crucial points in the playoffs. Byung-Hyun
Kim, for example, combines PVCness with the dumb
gimmick to extract about $6,000,000 from the Red Sox this year.
PR: And he doesn’t even
need to pitch for them to earn this.
ED: In the pen, the Yankees are either going to
be really great or really horrible. I
can’t decide which. Returning you’ve got
Rivera and Tom Gordon, who pretty much were the only
reliable arms for the Yankees last year.
Then you’ve got Steve Karsay trying to finally
earn that fat contract, the return of Mike Stanton and Felix Rodriguez. On top of that, you’ve got Paul Quantrill – if he can lift his arm after the workload he
pulled down last year – Tanyon Sturtze
and possibly Buddy Groom and Ramiro Mendoza.
Therein is the advantage of being a “large market” team: buy enough
stuff and hope something works out. Now,
how well this will work is a curious question.
Rivera, Gordon and Quantrill all pulled down
big workloads last season – to the point of all three having bouts of
ineffectiveness come October. Mike
Stanton was worked like a dog by the Mets the last two years – yet, oddly, his
stats are pretty much the same as when he was last a Yankee and everyone
assumed he was pretty much toast – and you know Torre’s
going to give him the ball as often as possible. (BTW, has anyone else seen Stanton’s L/R
splits? When did he become Chris
Hammond?) And Felix Rodriguez has
pitched for Dusty Baker, Felipe Alou and Larry Bowa the last three years.
The word trap comes to mind.
There’s a lot here to like, a lot here to be worried about and a lot
here to laugh about; proving that the Yankee bull pen is pretty much a symbol
of life itself. But Bill and I will
sorely miss Phil’s Felix Heredia rants.
BB: Well – Rivera, Gordon
are stone-cold locks. Mendoza and Stanton are proven championship middle
relievers and have the all-important Torre Trust. Tanyon Sturtze seems to be locked
in as the long reliever/6th starter and I can’t imagine the Yankees
actually being brazen enough to waive Felix Rodriguez (well, not yet at least)
– so that’s six right there. I COULD see them waiving Paul Quantrill
just out of bitterness which wouldn’t be a smart move – as Quantrill
was great in the first half last year until his arm fell off. At the very
worst, he’s better than Curt Leskanic. God, that was
ugly. So I don’t really see a spot for Buddy Groom except for – OH! He’s
left-handed! Well, that’s seven. Any innings the Yankees get out of Karsay at this point appear to be gravy so yeah – I could
see the Yankees carrying 13 pitchers. I think there was just a lil spurt in Tony Larussa’s
pants.
PR: I really have never
loved a bullpen as much as I love this one. Not for the quality that it can
produce (which could ran the freaking gamut) but for the actual players. This
is so how I pretty much play any general manager mode in a sports game – sign
the guys I like who may have been great at one point or another. Felix
Rodriguez SHOULD have been the Giants closer of the future. Instead, he ended
up on the Phillies and since the Phillies
and their comical bullpen wanted no part of him – I feel quite giddy about this
signing. Mike Stanton helped New York win rings so I look at him with my rose
colored glasses. Buddy Groom set the standard for loving WHIP and for what LOOGYs could be. New York was shockingly smart about this
as they didn’t waive Groom, sent him down to AAA to start the season because he
doesn’t have to be on the big club’s roster until May 1. And you know someone
is getting hurt before then… hey wait, Kevin Brown already is! I have zero idea
why they haven’t cut bait on Steve Karsay but hey,
whatever works. Sturtze I don’t like but someone has
to eat innings. The Braves released Gabe White. For
the love of God – give him another chance! OH! And the Mendoza signing might be
great because they are taking a flier on him until he gets healthy and all he
has to do is win one game against the Red Sox and I will laugh and laugh and
laugh. And, yes, I am trying to ignore the fragileness that is Mariano. I don’t
want my mom to cry.
ED: On to the men with the sticks, the Yanks
should once again bring plenty of offense – over the long haul, anyway. Sure, they’re going to be giving up 8-10 outs
a game with Womack, Bernie Williams and Martinez, but those three make up for
it with their…uh…World Series rings? Veteran Presence? No,
I don’t know either.
BB: Williams actually has
remained a pretty decent hitter into old age – which is pretty remarkable
considering how tired he must get chasing all those balls into the gaps.
Fortunately, he still has that bed of money – this is the last year of a
contract that he’s getting paid $12,357,143 a year in. That was a nifty
contract a few years ago – but here’s the sad news, Yankees fans. If that
contract was for five years instead of six – Carlos Beltran would be in the
Bronx, not Queens. But yeah, I got nothin’ on Womack
and Martinez. I guess when Steinbrenner got out of his room and locked Cashman in the Officers’ Mess, he got busy.
PR: Bernie Williams
running has become painful to watch. I figure it must be what it is like to
watch Ed run.
ED: Else wise, offensively, you’ve got plenty of
bats to keep the Yankees an elite team.
Sure, every one of their regulars – sans Alex Rodriguez, Hideki Matsui
and Derek Jeter – are on wrong side of the prime age median and/or coming off
the cream or clear, and there is nothing in the Yankee system as far as depth
goes, so some sort of decline is inevitable.
But there are far too many guys in the line-up with the offensive skills
that make the stat geeks stroke their calculators lovingly for the Yankees not
to make the playoffs. So yeah, they’ll
be able to pound the weak sisters of the league enough that it won’t matter
what they do against the Red Sox – in the regular season, anyway.
BB: Ed refuses to admit
that he carries a TI-83 in his pocket since “the incident”. It’s ok. I can’t see
the Yankees scoring more runs than they did last year – Tony Womack isn’t going
to match Miguel Cairo’s fluke year, the older players can be expected to come
down slightly, and the only real spot where a player would be expected to
improve on his numbers would seem to be at third with A-Rod. And…well…there is Giambi.
PR: I think everyone has
figured out by now – I am stupid. I like the Tino
Martinez signing. (Not thrilled with Giambi sticking
around – mainly for the ginormous contract but
whatever). It’s simply. Part of the reason I loved/hated Javier Vazquez being
moved was he was the reason Nick Johnson is no longer with the team (not that
they wouldn’t have turned around and traded him for… oh, I don’t even wanna speculate). Last year, no Nick Johnson and a crippled
Giambi meant Tony Clark and Travis Lee. Ugh. Right
there will be an upgrade in offseason (not enough to
make up for the declines Bill mentions but still.) They could have kept John Olerud too mind you – that would have worked.
ED: Yankees-Red Sox, Red Sox-Yankees. Blah-blah-blah. This feud is really starting not to play well
in the Red States – especially with the Red Sox losing their underdog
chic. Fox is really going to have to
throw some new wrinkles into this scenario to ensure ratings this
post-season. A couple of situations for
the Fox mindset (HAH!) to consider – Jeannie Zelasko
and that fluffy dog atop her head toying with John Flaherty and Doug Mirabelli’s hearts.
They can call it Backdoorin’ Back-Ups or
something. Or if they wanted to not have
the soap opera element – and this is Fox, so fat chance – they can merely make
the games more important by allowing the winners of each game to punch Buck and
McCarver in the jimmy. Talk about can’t miss television! I assume the best we can
hope for is another crappy animation show by the Family Guy creator involving
Curt Schilling’s ankle tendon and Alex Rodriguez’ bank book making fun of Derek
Jeter’s teenage girly fans and Kevin Millar’s stupid catch phrases. Meh. When does football
season start?
BB: The best thing I saw
about the whole thing was a t-shirt someone was selling at one of the eight
million stands outside Fenway after Game 1 of the
World Series that said “Yankees Sucked”. That is by far the cleverest thing a
Red Sox fan has done in a long, long time, myself included. It sums it up well
enough – there was a story, some pieces fit into it, others were pushed in, but
it was a story regardless. The story is over now – the plotline has been played
out to its logical conclusion, it’s time to move on with regards to all sides.
Of course, since everyone involved is afraid of coming up with a new marketing
gimmick, MLB and the teams will push it for years until people get bitter and
stop watching.
PR: So the teams’ play on
opening night. Whichever team wins will be declared GREATEST TEAM IN ALL THE
CENTURIES THAT BASEBALL HAS BEEN PLAYED! NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO MATCH THE
SUPREMECY THAT IS (insert winning team here). The losing team will have lots of
“What a failure the winter months was” stories. I really really
loathe baseball and fans and Fox.
ED: A Journey Through
Fan’s Eyes – New York Yankees: I picture
Yankee fans –many of them named Vinnie – cruising
around in their bitchin’ Camaro’s,
with Mike and the Mad Dog on The Fan.
They’re talking about all the fly honey’s that Jeter must get and trying
to invent new chants about David Wells’ mother.
In the pit of their stomach’s there are pits of acid bubbling about Giambi and Sheffield’s alleged steroid use and how they
would rip those two to shreds if they played for another team. Oh, hypocrisy! And yet, they think of Derek Jeter’s smile
and everything is better. Oh, that smile! That
movie star face! How they’ve seen him
grow through the years! The little bits
of baby fat melting off into a handsome and distinguished and sophisticated
man! How they sometimes stand in front
of a mirror with Prince’s “Sexy MF” playing and dream of Jeter…of BEING Jeter, that is. Of
being Jeter! Only of BEING Jeter! Because he’s so cool, and the Captain of the
Yankees, and has all those rings…the rings they would wear around their neck on
their snazzy gold chains…if they were that way.
But they’re not! No. They’re not.
Oh…Derek…if only…if only.
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ED: So, did anything happen in Boston over the
past year or so?
BB: I meant to write this
up at some point but never got around to it so I stick it in here. I dated a
girl for a while and we broke up around Christmastime. Over the course of the
Red Sox’ playoffs I made some…ill-advised purchases at her behest.
Theoretically, there were some benefits I was supposed to receive but…let’s
see.
|
Game |
Tickets |
Price |
Benefits? |
|
Game 1, ALCS |
4, right field grandstand, row 11 |
$200 each – us two and her parents |
- Did get paid back the
$400 for the parents’ tickets - Got to spend six
innings arguing, left seats, standing in food court watching game - Pretty sure I bought
her parents dinner for some reason afterwards - Got to find out what
her parents thought of me…when they Photoshopped me
out of the pictures they printed of the whole deal - No sex |
|
Game 5, ALDS |
2, bleachers, row 23 |
$450 each Total:
$900 |
- Got to walk to first
game in pouring rain to find it was cancelled - With night free got
to…go hang out with her family. See above - Only fought enough
with her to have to leave seats to for four innings this game, fortunately
game went 13 - Sat next to the only
Yankee fan in the bleachers; therefore, was within splash range of thrown
objects - Nearly got fired from
my internship for skipping out on next day’s work - Hips crushed by
sitting in Fenway bleacher seat for five hours - No sex |
|
Game 1, WS |
2, right field roof, Row A |
Freaking $1150 each Total:
$2300 |
- Before we start, this
time I made sure I was promised not only repayment but sex before ticket
purchase - Got to pick up the
tickets from a sketchy scalper day-of-game at the Howard Johnson outside Fenway - Got to see the entire
Red Sox fanbase jump onto Mark Bellhorn’s
junk, crushing me to death - Did NOT get to yell
at the 30 year old club guy from Miami sitting next to my girlfriend and
randomly interrupting us talking to hit on her throughout the game because
“he was nice” - Actually got to sit
in my seat all nine innings which was a plus - Got to see the Manny
Ramirez failed-dive-from-God live - Did not TIVO said
failed dive - Game was played in
roughly 3º weather - Forgot to bring
special “Riot Police Proof” goggles to sell outside Fenway
before/after game - …did not receive
specified payment for tickets or sex |
|
3 games |
2 tickets |
Total
Gross |
NO GODDAMN SEX |
BB: My therapist says
this is part of the grieving process. But onward.
PR: It doesn’t get much
better after you get married. At least you have that TV broadcast to relive the
memories. Or… maybe not.
ED: Wow! That’s a heckuva
lot of turnover. I had forgotten there
was that much crap on last year’s Red Sox roster. I mean, that losses list
looks enormous but there are only three guys on there who have any sort of
value. And of those, the Sox made a big upgrade over Cabrera, made a good
little upgrade over Lowe and Pedro…Well, the Sox got bigger. Much bigger.
BB: The Red sox roster
was full of crap and random purchases from the 99 cent store towards the end of
last season. The great thing was Sandy Martinez somehow sneaking onto the
roster towards the end of the season and then somehow getting in a dugout shot
(in uniform) every game of the postseason. He also lined up and got announced
to the crowd in the Game 1 festivities which was just comical – as maybe 200,
300 of the people there who knew he was. He got the biggest pop from me. I know
– you would think my boy Kevin Youkilis – but it’s just a sad story. Boston
bastardized him. I’ve learned to let go. The promise of Kevin Youkilis and a
new Modest Mouse album got me through the first three years of college, but
they’ve both arrived, they were both sort of what I expected, and I can’t help
but hate the reaction to them both. So I can look back in the past and say –
wow, we had some good times, but there’s new stuff to look forward to now.
PR: There are plenty of
places that Youkilis can find a good home. I am not even going to suggest the
Yanks. I would love to see him on the Nationals but Jim Bowden isn’t that
smart. Of course, Bowden is too busy smacking Nick Johnson around with his d….
must contain rage.
ED: Really, can the Red Sox pitching staff get
any pastier? Other than BYK – who, of
course, St. Curt will chase back to Korea by the All Star break – it’s like
white central. But so is the Red Sox fan
base. So…never mind.
BB: I’m pretty sure
history has/will be re-written here so that Byung
Hyun-Kim was some evil concoction of Grady Little, that the boy fair Theo had
to acquire him to get Grady a PVC as opposed to the dreamland that everyone was
living in while trying to make him a starter. (Of course – Grady lost
confidence in BYK in the ALDS last year – but we can forget that part of the
story.) It’s impossible to be rational about him anymore. I have no clue how he has a 3.37 career ERA but he does.
PR: Well he doesn’t have
a roster spot anymore. He went to the land where all pitchers go to find their
pitching souls… Colorado???? Oh, that just isn’t fair. BYK has enraged Buddha
and Buddha is getting his pay bag in spades now.
ED: A few of weeks ago I made the mistake of
catching an ESPNews segment with the usual gang of
Baseball Tonight idiots on it – FROM DISNEYWORLD!!! CORPORATE SYNERGY!!! – and
they were doing a round table on – ugh – the Yankees and Red Sox. Anyway, talk went to the pitching staffs and
they all hemmed and hawed about it until Ravech
forced them to pick the better one. So
the yucks all took the Yankees since there were, ya know, brand names on their staff. But our boy, Petey,
got all huffy and with tears glistening in his eyes, shook his fist at them and
told them all not to overlook the Red Sox rotation! Or they’ll all be sorry when he’s a rich and
famous writer and they’re all pumping gas for a living as failed jocks! I’m certain Kruk
and Harold Reynolds then gave the old man a swirly
just because. I had not seen a display
that pathetic since high school. And if
it wasn’t Gammons, and the display so pathetic, I’d spend some time here to
help Pete out with his point. But I’d
rather see him get a swirly. So there.
BB: Just to throw the
numbers out there – Prospectus projects the Red Sox top 5 starters to produce a
178.4 VORP, the Yankees 168.1; and I don’t think anyone would argue that the
Yankees starting pitching depth is better than the Red Sox (the top 5 for the
Sox doesn’t include Wade Miller). I am very skeptical of the David Wells
signing but even if it doesn’t work out, there is enough good stuff at the back
end (Miller, Abe Alvarez, Ed’s man-crush John Halama,
and if I can dream…JOHN STEPHENS BABY!!!) to fill in for the Sausage Guy.
ED: I’m with Bill on the Wade Miller pick-up
being the nicest on-the-cheap move by any team in the off-season. Of course, I always think I’m stealing him
when I pick him up in like the 10th round of a fantasy draft only to
curse him when he spends half the season on the DL. Hey look, he’s starting the season on the
DL. SHOCK!
BB: I do the same thing
with Correll Buckhalter. I
think I might do it only to make Rippa happy but he is my boy so once in a
while I set him up.
PR: Not only is Wade
Miller the best signing by any team this offseason but a healthy Wade Miller is the best pitcher in
the American League East. Oh yeah, I said it. And, the Matt Clement signing
might be the most underappreciated signing of the same time period. It will be
helpful to have those two around when the rest the rotation goes South.
PR: David Wells is weird.
You figure each year that this has to be the year he needs the bypass surgery
and instead he plods out and gets 15 wins in 200 innings. He might just another
one of those freaks who isn’t going away.
ED: In my heart, I can see David Wells and Curt
Schilling loathing each other from day one.
But if Wells could co-exist with Roger Clemens then I guess he can stay
away from Schilling for however long they are together in Boston. BTW, not that I would ever call out Internet
stat geeks for being two-faced little BoSox fanboys BUT…David Wells going from fat tub of goo to most underrated pitcher in baseball over the course
of one off-season amuses me to no end. Neep! Neep! Neep!
BB: While it isn’t as far
of a comical shift as Pokey Reese: The Man Who Would Save 1000 Runs, the
sabermetric community has gotten pretty ridiculous at this point at trying to
justify whatever moves Boston, Oakland, Los Angeles, or Toronto (er – maybe not Toronto anymore) make. I would point out the
irony on Primer but…god, I don’t want to have to go to Primer. Or the Think
Factory or the Mind Eraser or whatever they are calling it these days. Can’t
they just get corporate sponsorship already?
PR: I haven’t seen them
yet but I am excited about the “Scott Erickson – Best 5th Starter in
the World” stories.
ED: When I become commissioner for life, the
first rule I make is cutting out on the creative facial hair. If I’m stuck seeing far too many Red Sox
games this year – and like that won’t happen – and there are morons imitating
Matt Clement’s Shaggy beard, I’m starting my coup
earlier than I expected. That said; I
like the Matt Clement pick-up even more than I do the Wade Miller deal.
BB: Is the Matt Clement
beard really that bad? I mean – I watch 162 Red Sox games a year. I have seen
Kevin Millar do all kinds of preposterously obnoxious things – and then I go to
college and I listen to people talk about how cool it is.
PR: Oh, the Bronson
Arroyo corn rows might have been the most offensive thing to happen since Ty Cobb sucker punched a cripple. How the heck did NONE of
his teammates tell him what a dolt he looked like. Oh, this is the wrong team
to ask that question about. I am starting to realize that I would have accepted
a Red Sox teaming with the World Series with a roster of 25 Wil
Cordero’s better than I did the one that actually did win the rings. (The
thought of Simmons fawning over Wil Cordero is
amazing. “I might WORLD SERIES HERO and BOSTON ICON Wil
Cordero. He punched the Sports Gal in the face. I am never going to let her
face heal.)
ED: The pen is still the magnificent Keith Foulke and a bunch of other guys. I always see Timlin
and Embree and expect complete collapse – much the
same as how everyone sees BYK and KNOWS there’s nothing to expect but complete
collapse. But Timlin
and Embree do as fine of a job as the more-heralded
Yankee set up guys – at a much cheaper rate.
Beyond them is my man-crush John Halama, the
aforementioned BYK and…Matt Mantei? Aww, bookend Diamondback closer failures. That’s cute.
Not cute if you’re trying to hold a lead, but…whatever.
BB: Oh yeah – I am
totally with Ed on Keith Foulke surviving all the
hate from last year. I love how there is a debate over whether Foulke is in Rivera’s league as a dominating closer. Foulke’s K/9 numbers over the last two years: 9.14, 8.57.
Rivera’s: 8.02, 7.55. But…you know…Foulke only throws
88 miles an hour. So his strikeouts don’t count as much, or something. I don’t
know what the freaking argument is. Keith Foulke
rules and is one of the three or four Red Sox I actually like. End of story.
PR: See, I tried to not
make my mom cry but Bill just went ahead and did it.
BB: I am not with Ed so
much on the rest of the pen – there are lots of things to worry about this
year. Timlin and Embree
have been worked pretty hard (316! appearances between the two of them over the
last two years if you count the playoffs) and Timlin
is turning 39. One of their arms just has to fall off this year. And Timlin and Embree are making $3
million each – so they’re not super cheap or anything. As usual, there will be
10 or 15 decent relievers sitting in Pawtucket that will do nothing once they
are in Fenway. The Red Sox will go through all of
them in the first two months, they will fail, and then the Red Sox will trade
for someone at the deadline that ends up being useless. It’s just how things
go. We are OK with it in Boston at this point, I think.
ED: On to the offensive side of things, the Sox
are basically the same as they were last year.
Edgar Renteria was added as a major upgrade on
both Cabrera AND Nomar. And that means they had no need to keep the
out magnet named Pokey around this year.
Aww, Gammons will need a little Vedder time to cope.
Jay Payton, too, was a nice, pick up to fill in for the various injuries
that Nixon and Ramirez will have. Jay
Payton’s contract on the other hand…not so much. Of course, these are the Red Sox, money’s no
big deal. Oops. Did I mention that the Red Sox spend a buttload of money too?
Whoopsie!
Broke from the party line.
BB: In all fairness – the
Red Sox got $2.75 million in the trade, so Payton’s only costing $750K for the
season. For that he is an upgrade on superhero Dave and considering he actually
can both hit lefties and play center – he is an upgrade on superhunk
Gabe, too.
ED: And then there’s saber-stud Roberto
Petagine. God, to think Fernando Seiguinol will have the same fate – getting dorked around by a bevy of teams who can’t understand
value, forced to ply his trade successfully in Japan only to come back to hold
Kevin Millar’s jock strap. And yet, guys
like Pokey Reese and Lenny Harris and detestable wastes of skin like Wil Cordero can continue to get jobs without any
problems. The baseball gods are so
very-very-very vicious.
PR: Do you think people
realize that we really really detest Wil Cordero yet?
BB: Another one of the
Red Sox I actually like. I would easily pay $4000 to not have sex with my
ex-girlfriend again if it meant Roberto Petagine got 600 ABs
and Kevin Millar didn’t. Hell – Kevin Millar can have sex with her for all I
care.
PR: Would he tell you how
everyone thought the Yankees could have sex with her better and that he was
just happy to be a part of the club and to have some sex?
BB: Now me – I want Mark Bellhorn. Bellhorn’s by far my
favorite Red Sock because no “real” Red Sox fans like him. He strikes out 180
times. He doesn’t make flashy plays on defense. He doesn’t talk – he doesn’t
even have facial expressions. I’m pretty sure the only thing he has going for
him amongst most Red Sox fans is that he’s white. But he is everything I could
ever hope to be – great hair, walks 100 times, hits for power, scoops up most
everything he gets to, doesn’t talk. Earns the scorn of every idiot in Boston
and then smacks them all in the face with his bat when they are jumping down
his throat. And he hit a 400 foot home run that hit a Yankee fan square in the
freaking heart. I want to be Mark Bellhorn.
PR: This is part of the
reason I love Nick Johnson so much. But it is easy to love Mark Bellhorn for all of the reasons Bill just mentioned. Heck,
I really want Bellhorn to take a dump right on Beacon
Hill.
ED: So in a nutshell, what ya
chowdaheads wanna know is
can the Sawx wicked repeat? Sure.
Why not? The division is just
Yankees-Red Sox, the Central will be the Twins to lose and the West is a
crap-shoot of flawed teams. No reason it
won’t be another Yankee-Red Sox showdown in the ALCS. From there, it’s really merely a matter of
testing out how much all the Yankees off-season moves improved them. It’s not like the Red Sox got that much
weaker as a team, even with the loss of Pedro.
So…yeah.
Either or. Whoever survives the
ALCS wins the World Series. No reason it
can’t be the Sox. Unless
I cripple Curt Schilling before the season’s out.
BB: You know, when people
from outside Boston start using wicked, there’s a little part of me that laughs
and says – awww, you don’t understand how to use it
in the right context. Then I think for a moment, gather my surroundings, and
realize – there is no right context. There are many things to enjoy about New
England – well…theoretically. Once you leave you can say you’ve completed it, I
suppose. It’s like grammar school.
PR: You can’t wait for
your 19 year degree track at Northeastern to end can you?
BB: I am not too enthused
about the idea of a potential Red Sox repeat this year. The offense isn’t going
to score 950 runs again. David Ortiz…he can’t slug .600 again. Varitek’s going to fall off of a freaking cliff. Bill
Mueller is going to have like 90 ABs
and Youkilis is going to hit .260/.350/.360 and make me hate him. Johnny Damon
isn’t coming anywhere near a .800 OPS again, this year or the rest of his
career. Sure, Edgar Renteria will be an improvement,
and if Trot Nixon can stay healthy, he’ll be better too. But they’re gonna lose at least 60 runs, and when you consider the
losses within the staff, I don’t think it’s an impossibility that there could
be a 100 run swing in run differential. That’s 8 or 9 games, and that means
they’re not in the playoffs. There’s my big ol’
prediction that we can all make fun of – the Red Sox don’t make the playoffs.
PR: Can we mention Terry Francona falling ass backwards into a World Series ring and
now being suddenly consider a wonderful manager. Francona
needs to thank his lucky stars that Dallas Green ever existed.
ED: A Journey Through
Fan’s Eyes – Boston Red Sox: Somewhere in the inner sanctum of the SOSH
password-protected walls, there is chat.
Some superficially chat about the overall sexiness of Jim Rice. Some superficially chat about the hotness of
Jennifer Garner. Some superficially chat
about shot-gunning six packs of barbecue-flavored Pringles. Some chat about all those things – or as
close to those things as their poor cloven hoofs can bash out on a
keyboard. But the reason real those people
all are congregating behind those password protected walls is…yeah. To share their dreams of one day violating
the catcher’s mitt that Jason Vaitek shoved in Alex
Rodriguez’ face. JASON IZ GAWD!!!
BALTIMORE ORIOLES
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ED: Areas not considered Orioles territory: the
first place of the AL East.
ED: WHOO-HOO!!!
Third place! Blind squirrels and
acorns! Yay!
BB: That doesn’t feel
right – getting an acorn implies that they’re getting something that at least
has some value. The Orioles are like the blind squirrel finding squirrel crap.
PR: I will admit this. I
really enjoy the Orioles because following them every day brings a little bit of
sunshine no matter how miserable your life might be. They are a constant source
of comedy. But following them so closely does draw you to some of their
players. So I already have my mini list of guys I hope eventually end up on the
Yankees or Nationals. B.J. Ryan is very much on the top.
ED: The highlight of the Spring
for me is catching an Orioles Spring Training game and laughing until I cry as
Buck Martinez gushes over everyone in an Orioles uniform. Is this an Angelos policy?
Is Buck bucking for the next O’s manager’s gig? Or is he just stupid? I’m guessing yes to all the above.
BB: Give the guy a break
Ed. That takes skill. Remember – think about how much crap there is on the
Orioles. Do you realize how hard it was, every spring, to say, “Well, the
second base battle between Hairston and Roberts is still ongoing and, really, I
can’t pick a winner! I think they need to give them
both another full year of at-bats and keep them both, because they’re both such
great players, real sparkplugs for this team.”
PR: Aww…
now you two are just making me feel bad. I was trying to sorta
be nice about the Orioles… a little.
ED: That addition list. That wouldn’t have looked so bad…7 years
ago. It’s comforting to know that
Baltimore is still the land that time forgot.
BB: I’m pretty sure that
if The Wire had been cancelled, Baltimore could’ve disappeared off the map and
no one farther away than Bethesda would’ve noticed.
PR: I am glad it didn’t.
I fear the rats heading South looking for a new home.
ED: Areas not considered Orioles territory: Aruba courtrooms and beaches.
ED: Pooping on the Orioles is basically the same as making fun of a Juggalo. There’s no
point in the existence of either party and they are firmly oblivious to their
idiocy. At one point, both parties were
remotely-sorta-kinda-quasi cool in an insipid sort of
way…for like five minutes…to the simplest of minds. And yeah, there’s the whole point about both
parties being sad, pathetic clowns you laugh at, not with. Then there’s the whole element about both
being hopelessly doomed to suck; the Orioles by creating mistakes via spending
too much money on people who were supposed to cover for other high-priced
mistakes – and the Juggalo by…well…C’mon, by being
someone who still follows ICP. Sure,
it’s clear sailing now – rolling around in their stupidity, unaware of the
snickers and reasons for why they keep banging their heads against a wall,
trying to impress the same group of lunkheads with
the same sort of lunacy over and over again – but sooner or later you have to
wake up and look yourself in a mirror.
Does the idea of wearing clown make-up as an adult REALLY appeal to
you? And if so, how many corpses do you
have in your crawl space?
BB: See – again we differ
Ed. Bill Simmons says U2 is undefinable in terms of
sports. U2 are the Baltimore freaking Orioles. A long time ago, people liked
them with some sort of passion, I guess. I suppose that there might have been
some freshness in them, they could fit into your life in a
they-are-not-the-worst-thing-on-the-radio-when-I-am-driving-to-work sort
of situation. Invariably you’d date a girl who was a huge U2 fan because she
had a crush on Bono (or the Edge if she was freakier) and because they HAD A
MESSAGE, MAN (and by a message, I mean a very easy-to-understand and –interpret
message requiring little or no work by the listener). So then U2 starts getting
older and they hang out with Anton Corbijn too much
and they begin to develop their own ideas of art and begin to take the large
stage they’ve acquired and do nothing with it, preaching some sort of message
to a mass that isn’t really listening but everyone seems to get off well enough
on it. Bono sort of became this sort of misguided hyper-approximation of what
the ideal rock star could be, using consistent mediocrity to spout off his
platform and gather some sort of authority that he never really deserved.
Likewise, Cal Ripken became representative of the
rebirth of baseball, becoming some sort of hybrid of the working-class stiff
and celebrity by being too stubborn to take a day off, even if it hurt his performance,
drastically. Eventually, U2 isn’t a band or musicians or a bunch of songs but
instead it’s a lifestyle choice – its saying, “I’m comfortable with not
exploring. I am happy right here where I am and I am perfectly fine with making
noise about being intelligent or interesting, but I am also OK with knowing
that, deep down inside, I am not.” And U2 still releases album and plays huge
concerts but there’s nothing to it. The statements don’t mean anything. And who
do you know who’s a PASSIONATE U2 fan? Bill Simmons? Come on. Invariably, the
people you know who are passionate U2 fans are idiots. Likewise, for someone to
get behind the Orioles is just idiotic. There are better things to do with your
time if you just get out there and look. Open your eyes, people. Well, look
past the Nationals. There is a better idea out there.
BB: I’m old enough to
have moved on past some sort of indie (or sabermetric) rebellion and I’m not
Ian MacKaye and I’m not Don Malcolm but it’s just
ridiculous. There’s no substance and no style, it’s mindless and inane and the
worst part is that it’s granted some sort of merit because of a sense of
importance that, even in the past, was at best exaggerated and at worse
comically false.
|
Orioles Pitching: We Hate Nice
Things |
|||
|
Pitcher |
Age |
2004 |
Future |
|
Denny
Bautista |
21 |
Was
decent against AA hitters. Got promoted to majors, after 2 innings, traded to
KC for Jason Grimsley. Grimsley
himself pitched 2 innings, blew out his arm. Bautista blew away AA hitters,
but for KC instead. |
Has
been lights-out in spring training for Kansas City. Looks like future ace. |
|
Erik Bedard |
25 |
Posted
4.59 ERA in rookie season with very iffy control and peripherals. |
Will
turn 26. Will probably not pitch well. Will get innings anyway. |
|
Daniel
Cabrera |
23 |
Posted
5.00 ERA in rookie season with ugly, ugly control and peripherals – 89 walks,
76 K’s |
As
ugly and overrated as his 2004 was, 2005 appears to be set to be much, much
worse. |
|
Adam Loewen |
20 |
Signed
days before re-entering draft, mediocre in low-A |
May
or may not produce. Will enjoy huge bonus regardless. |
|
Matt
Riley |
25 |
Awful
in the majors, very good in AAA |
Maybe
he could be a good reliever? Maybe? |
|
Eddy
Rodriguez |
23 |
Mediocre
in AAA, bad in the majors. Ugly control and peripher…you
get the idea. |
If
all the Orioles pitchers walked half as many guys as they do now, they would
go from being ill-advised to being a passable rotation. Good luck. |
ED: So the O’s are again going completely with
kids in the rotation – sans for Sir Sidney, of course – thanks to no free agent
pitcher wanting to go there. And the O’s
actually are starting to develop some arms through their system, so that’s not
all bad. Mazzilli
didn’t Leyland their arms either, so that’s just fine too. Of course, the O’s show that they, ya know, have no plan on what roles they want to use their
pitchers in; have shown little ability to develop their arms into big leaguers;
and/or have any idea if the pitchers they have are worth planning around or
anything like that. So while the O’s
talk about creating a Braves or A’s-type situation, they really just have a
bunch of arms – some decent, some not so much – who are sent out there every
five days in an attempt at evaluating them on the major league level. Umm…does this seem like a good idea to
anyone? Really?
BB: And yet, somewhere,
the Orioles decided that they didn’t need John Stephens. Never mind that he
could’ve been the Orioles’ ace instead of the PawSox’s
last year. And this year. Ya
know…he doesn’t throw fast. The Orioles’ young arms are really a mess.
PR: Well the Orioles
finally gave up on Matt Riley. Probably a year two late but
still. Why they chose Riley over Bautista is beyond… oh wait, it’s the Oriole way. A very close friend of mine knew
a Matt Riley so every time I saw his I briefly got confused. But that is the
same reaction I have to shiny things.
ED: Areas not considered Orioles territory:
ballparks full of fans.
PR: Actually, Baltimore
still draws a decent crowd. Just don’t expect them to be rooting for the home
team.
ED: To be somewhat fair, the O’s are aware that
the kid pitchers are a crapshoot and, based on last year’s results, plan on
playing softball with teams until they can get the staff settled. OK.
Not everyone has arms. That’s a
decent enough plan…well, a plan anyway.
But if’n I’m gonna
play softball on the big league level, I’m sure not going to waste a roster
spot on the useless B.J. Surhoff or the corpse
imitating Rafael Palmeiro. Add to that
the declining Sosa, and the fragile Luis Matos and Jay Gibbons and you think
you’re going to play softball with the Yankees and Red Sox? Shoot, at this point, you’d be lucky to hang
in a softball game with the Devil Rays.
But hey, it’s not like they’re hauling out 700 second basemen on the
roster anymore. So I reckon that’s a
step in…some direction.
BB: The sad truth is, of
course, that the Orioles will be proven to have made the wrong decision merely
by making one. Jerry Hairston will outperform Brian Roberts this year – I would
bet my house on it, if I had one. It’s merely a fantasy fact of life; if you combine
it with the Orioles’ ability to make horrible decisions,
it’s even stronger of a move.
ED: I’m not certain, but I’m a-guessin’ the Sosa pick-up rated really high with Bill’s
ideal team finder.
BB: Certainly the Orioles
were high, but the top 2 spots were the Mets and the Giants. Oh well; there is
always hope for the future.
PR: This is why the
signing of Sammy Sosa was the epitome of Orioles management. The plan was this:
upgrade the starting pitching with an important FA signing. Sign Carlos Delgado
to play first base AND be on all the advertising with Miguel Tejada. This would mean Jay Gibbons would have a home in
right, Rafael Palmeiro would DH and they would even start to give Javy Lopez some work at first to start preparing for his
switch into the field to extend his career. So…
Baltimore doesn’t sign a pitcher. Don’t sign Carlos Delgado. The Orioles become
the butt of many many jokes since they have done
nothing but release stories about Sidney Ponson’s
latest arrest. Peter Angelos takes a moment away from
whoring baseball and the Nationals to demand that someone be done. That meant….
trading for Sammy Sosa. Hmmm… so let’s see. Sosa plays right. Gibbons has no
where else to go but to first where he is comically bad. So bad that Palmeiro,
David Newhan, B.J. Surhoff
and even Lopez are better than him defensively. So no moving of Lopez and
Palmeiro might have to play the field. All to acquire someone who could be the
FACE! of the organization… oh wait, he is part of the
steroid scandal. Come back Miguel Tejada. We still
love you!
ED: Areas not considered Orioles territory: the
land of winning records.
ED: The O’s may be the most boring and
unimaginative club not in the Midwest.
Sure, they provide us with the occasional laugh, but even a legitimately
funny joke that we laugh with instead of at gets tired eventually. Maybe if the O’s spent as much time actually
figuring out where the club was flawed, rather than fighting the move of the
Nationals, they’d finally be on the right track. But the O’s have no clue and every move they
make is an effort to tread water in the middle of the pack rather than to move
forward. And that’s why the Devil Rays
and Blue Jays will contend in this division long before the O’s can luck into
something. But at least Rippa will still
be able to read all those Tejada for MVP stories over
the years. And Bill and I will get all
of Phil’s related rants. So, really, we
all win in the end.
BB: Even the Orioles’
attempt at progress end up as failures, stalling halfway through out of boredom
or malaise or the sheer fact that no one’s pushing the carriage. They’re the
dog who’s following a scent trail – while the Red Sox and Yankees are
police-quality, being led along by insistent fanbases
and ownership who encourage and reward them for eventually finding success, the
Orioles are the dog that follow the scent trail for a minute and then stop and
lick their balls until they’ve lost the scent. And Peter Angelos
is okay with that.
ED: Oh, and bonus points to Sidney Ponson for starring in that Internet ad where he’s humping
a glass tube. Ahh,
the benefits of knighthood!
PR: That really really is the creepiest thing I have seen in a long time
and probably the best selling point for Firefox.
ED: Areas not considered Orioles territory: Clueville.
ED: A Journey Through
Fan’s Eyes – Baltimore Orioles: It’s a
lazy summer day. The heat and humidity
are oppressive. The sun is a swear word. Cocktail hour started three hours ago with no
sign of ending. The General and the Senator
sit inside the pavilion ironing out a deal neither of which neither can ever
speak. There is chatter from inside the
house. A radio plays from the patio. The Orioles are losing again. The General and Senator hear Jim Palmer’s
voice and think back on their younger days when neither was burdened with guilt
and regret, when everything was possible, when this land was full of
kings. Sammy Sosa strikes out to end a
rally. The past is but a cruel
joke. They drink to Earl Weaver. Earl Weaver drinks to Earl Weaver. Earl Weaver drinks to anything. So do the General and Senator. Only booze matters now. Booze and vague memories. The new Oriole way.
BB: That’s beautiful. Ah,
trying to drink away the part of the day that you’re not sleeping away.
TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS
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PR: See, we include
Aubrey Huff on our depth chart.
ED: The funny thing is that this off-season was
somehow the off-season to dump all over the Devil Rays. I mean, EVERYONE took a steaming dump on the
Rays this off-season. Everyone. Now, far be it from me to not ride the
fashion train but…really, if you’ve gotta ride the
coattails of one of the patsies of the AL East, I’d be hitching my ride to the
Satanic Fishies rather than the O’s. But that’s just me. I am no expert.
ED: Of course, I write the above, look over the
projected line-up again, see Roberto Alomar, Alex S.
Gonzalez and Denny Bautista and wince.
Forget me. Listen to the Baseball
Tonight guys.
PR: Of course, when you
wrote this Roberto Alomar and Denny Bautista were
still actually playing baseball.
BB: At least Aubrey Huff
is IN the predicted lineup this year. The Devil Rays have also done a nice job
of making a whole bunch of signings that they will cut at the end of spring
training so in the interest of saving both us and you time, I will not bother
to talk about any of them.
PR: Why cut when they
will just retire?
ED: So Rocco Baldelli
rips his knee up playing wiffle ball. A guy who has shown no
plate discipline whatsoever and whose value is based almost entirely on his
speed…with a bum knee. Well, it
beats giving AB’s to B.J. Surhoff, I guess.
BB: I’m not sure when
everyone decided Carl Crawford was the better prospect than Rocco Baldelli but at some point last year, a memo definitely
went around. And it wasn’t as if there was some push from one side of the
knowledge spectrum – everyone got it. Sabermetricians,
Baseball Tonightians, TV play-by-play guys, radio, everyone suddenly picked up on it. I’m not saying he
is or isn’t – it was just bizarre. I want to know how this worked and how to
use that power for good.
PR: DISTRUPTIVE SPEED~!
Of course, the best is that while Baldelli is hurt,
the decision will be made that Alex Sanchez is better than him too. Well at
least Sanchez had a fairly quite break. Reunited with his family, got released,
took some steroids, got caught taking said steroids.
ED: How bad were the D-Rays DH’s last year? The D-Rays only stage with a winning record
was in inter-league play…in NL cities…without the DH. How did the D-Rays address this issue? Yes. With Josh Phelps.
Chuck LaMar’s failed-Jays prospect fetish is
interesting. I am assuming Junior Felix
will get a chance at a come-back. Maybe Sil Campusano too, if he isn’t busy protecting player’s moms or something. Maybe Piniella can
talk to Glenallen Hill. How could Glenallen
be any worse of a fielder than, say, Aubrey Huff?
BB: Surely Rob Ducey can’t be doing anything.
PR: We should reprint the
Josh Phelps rant here too. It is entertaining to me that no only does Phelps not
play catcher anymore – he doesn’t even play first anymore. Hopefully a ruling
about all this was including in the deal where MLB bought the rights to fantasy
sports.
ED: Three of the D-Rays projected five starters
are nice enough arms that I’d ordinarily be pretty high on their shots of
becoming something. Then I remember Lou Piniella is the D-Rays manager and realize that Doug Waechter can probably only dream of becoming Rob Bell.
PR: Much like last year –
we write some stuff and then the Devil Rays ruin it all. This year it was the
retirees and Waechter not making the opening day
club. It would be frustrating if we actually cared.
BB: Have we all given up
on Rob Bell? I’m ready to move on if you all are. I mean, I’m not even doing anything, I’m just hanging out here because my bed is
comfortable. But if you want to jump off, I’ll follow. I’m down for whatever.
ED: Piniella actually
did do a good job of handling the D-Rays, offensively, the way they should be
handled. He played Whitey Ball with the
speedsters and let Aubrey Huff swing for the fences a la a poor man’s Jack
Clark. Well, Jack Clark is a poor man’s
Jack Clark at this point, but ya know what I
mean. Anyway, for the first half of the
season Piniella did a fine job with what he had and
was my vote for Manager of the Year.
Then came the slumps and fatigue and Lou had to handle the pitchers
and…the rest of the season turned out about as well as could be expected,
really.
BB: I can’t do better
than that Jack Clark joke. That is just pretty.
ED: Are all the fantasy baseball geeks all over
Aubrey Huff’s jock again this year? If
so, do they understand that he’ll have no one to knock in? I mean, RBI’s are god-like right?
PR: Batting average Ed.
Batting average.
BB: I want to see another
year of Aubrey Huff trade rumors. Because, you know…he’s really the problem.
Not Roberto Alomar. Not Toby Hall.
Not the utter lack of pitching, power, or interest whatsoever. It’s Aubrey
Huff.
PR: Well he is from Ohio.
BB: The Devil Rays seem
utterly insistent on not playing Jonny Gomes because
he isn’t speedy. What he is is a guy who posted a
.531 slugging percentage last year at 23 at Durham. Denny Bautista should get
exactly 0 at-bats when he is keeping Gomes out of a job. 0. He will get 400,
though. And then he will become a Giant and we can all die happy as they rush
to 92 wins and getting knocked out of the playoffs in the first round.
PR: What makes this
funnier is that Bautista retired. So they will play him now. Oh no, gotta sign Alex Sanchez. Aww
crap… Sanchez takes steroids. Well, put Rocco in. Poo…
still hurt. I guess it’s Gome… YES! we kept Chris Singleton on the 25 man. Grab you mitt son.
You are in!
ED: Hey, at least they finally made it out of the
basement. It’ll be awhile before they
can say that again. But
for one shining moment…
BB: I’d like to show some
respect to the one Devil Ray fan who sits in the second row behind home plate
and yells at one Red Sox player all season like a madman – not with vulgarity
or drunkenly, just good-natured ribbing at a ridiculously loud volume,
especially considering no one else in that god-forsaken place is making any
noise for fear of setting off their pacemaker. The fact that someone can get
over on the opposing team’s commentary to the point where they fly him in for a
Red Sox series so he can defend the Devil Rays is way too good for me.
PR: For that guy alone,
they shouldn’t being signing Alex Sanchez or Hideo Nomo.
When Tampa finally fires Chuck Lamar – they better let that guy do it.
ED: A Journey Through
Fan’s Eyes – Tampa Bay Devil Rays:
Crickets chirp away. Little birdy wings rustle softly.
The sound of Lou Piniella’s blood pressure
cuff exploding echoes in the darkness.
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
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PR: Oof…
I predicted them to make the playoffs last year. I am keeping my mouth shut
this year.
ED: Hey!
They’re the only game in town.
And, by only game, I mean the only sport – poor li’l
dead NHL. And by in town, I mean the whole
country. Stand on guard, Canadia’s finest.
BB: I like to think of
Canada as one big town, really. Actually – I don’t think Canada exists for me
outside of Toronto. Sorry big ol’ country. It’s
nothing personal. You’re just desolate. And I am not that desperate.
ED: I heart me some Smooth Pimp. But even I can’t explain trading anything of
value for Shea Hillenbrand. Was Canada that short on scrap? Did J.P. just pick him up so they can sit
around and make fun of Theo? Does anyone
really care?
BB: Irony is the new OBP!
Or they decided to throw Richard Griffin a bone.
PR: OH! OH! What is “They
Hate Primer”, Alex.
ED: So the Jays decided to punt the season, let
their last ties to the World Series years fly away to Miami and are actually
trying to show the O’s and D-Rays what a youth movement is all about. Fine by me. Of course, the Skydome
– or whatever it’s called these days – sure is gonna
look pretty empty. I can’t imagine the
promotions they’ll have to have to get people in during a D-Rays or Orioles
series. Eat poutine
right out of the Stanley…err, Grey Cup!
Naked people hotel room windows Bingo!
People pastier than Ted Lilly get in free…Oh. Right. This is Canada. Nix that last idea.
BB: The thing is…they did
that whole youth movement thing two and three years ago. And it got nice years
out of Vernon Wells and Eric Hinske and Josh Phelps.
Fast-forward to the present day and Wells has sorta
produced while Hinske has become a total nothing and
Phelps is on his third team in three months and not in a good way.
PR: And yet… I drafted
Eric Hinske… and Corey Koskie.
I am a fool.
BB: The total failure of
this organization to develop under Ricciardi is a
pretty damning statement. Dustin McGowan did blow out his arm, which didn’t
help, and there are some B and C-level guys in the system. But Ricciardi’s draft picks have turned out to be mostly the
kind of players that scouts mention as being the problem with “Moneyball” drafting – Ricciardi’s two first-rounders have produced
two shortstops who project to be, at best, average major league players in Russ
Adams and Aaron Hill. Now, I like Mark Ellis. But that doesn’t mean I’d want to
throw away two first-round picks in trying to get players like him. The trades
with Oakland that got them Jason Arnold and John Ford-Griffin, who were both
supposed to be stars? Arnold’s become a mediocre AAA pitcher and Griffin’s
spent three years solving AA pitching.
ED: So the more hopeful of Jays
fans are pinning their hopes on the additions of Russ Adams and Alex Rios. Uhh…Well, Adams has
shown little power and only moderate plate discipline but since he’s replacing
Chris Gomez, I guess he is an improvement.
Rios looks pretty much like a poor man’s Carl Crawford…which might make
him Alex Sanchez but with some potential for upside – and absolutely NO steals
considering he’s a Jay. Getting the both
of them around Corey Koskie should help – not just in
teaching them some on base skills but the ins and outs of the Canadian
lifestyle. Maybe they’ll get a really
good slap shot out of the deal too. Who can
be sure?
BB: NO ED! You don’t
understand! STEALS are the new OBP! I read about it in the Toronto Sun –
Richard Griffin told me that the Blue Jays have given up on the Ricciardi ideals and John Gibbons is going to have them
running all day, every day. Jesus, Canada is desperate. And desolate.
PR: And their country is
cold and their money is worthless and their national sport isn’t playing.
ED: I like the Koskie
pick-up a bunch. Sure the Jays probably
are paying too much for him and he is a touch fragile and they’ll likely need
to move him off of third before his contract is done, but putting him in a
line-up with Frankie the Cat will give the Jays some base runners. Of course, relying on Vernon Wells,
Hillenbrand and Eric Hinske to knock them in is…about
as iffy as you can get.
BB: I am not a fan of the
Koskie signing at all. Sure, getting a Canuck is
nice. And he had a bit of an off year last year. But he’s 32, he’s getting hurt
every year, he has old players’ skills, and they’re already committed to Hinske at third base. Moving Hinske
to first just creates a different problem, and now there’s less money to spend
on solving that problem.
PR: And yet… I drafted
Eric Hinske… and Corey Koskie.
I am a fool.
ED: I firmly believe that Orlando Hudson is the
ideal Twin – overrated glove, horrific bat – kind of like the infield version
of Torii Cashman.
Someone really-really-really needs to make this deal happen.
BB: Oh god Ed – that is
brilliant. Except for the fact that I have no clue who
Torii Cashman is.
PR: I so don’t have the
energy to roll out my signature spot here. The thought of Torii Hunter and
Brian Cashman being rammed together so hard that they
become one is going to make me giggle.
ED: Onto the pitching side of things, the Jays
are hoping that Roy Halladay hasn’t Pat Hentgen’ed himself – and all context clues so far don’t
look too hopeful for that not to have happened.
Ted Lilly had a nice little season last year even if he had no luck at
all. He’s a touch tater-riffic, his walk total rose to the point of making a few eyebrows
raise and he threw the most innings of his life last year. I’m not calling disaster, but I’d be a bit
wary of him in the ‘05. The rest of the
rotation will be comprised of possibly Miguel Batista, kids – Chacin and Bush – and the never ending Scott Schoeneweis experiment.
Yeah, there’s gonna be some growing pains
here.
BB: Well, Schoenweis is going to the pen, where he’s been pretty
successful. He will end up being a useful chip to send to the Yankees for…god,
I don’t know, Robinson Cano since the Blue Jays love middle infield prospects
in August. I want Halladay to come back and succeed,
but I want to see it happen before I believe. I’m with you on the Lilly walk
concerns and their system isn’t exactly full of pitching prospects. This has a
lot of potential to, yet again, be ugly.
PR: And yet… Ted Lilly
was stolen from my fantasy grasps. Much like Ed took Nick Johnson from me. No,
I am not ready to talk about this yet.
ED: I’d rather not talk about the Jays pen, thank
you. At some point in time, I had every
Jays closer on my fantasy team last year.
And since we don’t work blue here, it’s better
just to take a pass. Ugh. The Jays are talking about moving Miguel
Batista to closer. And while I like
Batista more than Phil and Bill, a guy with his K/BB rate tends not to work
real well as a closer. Jason Frasor got a whole bunch of cheap saves at the end of last
season but the Jays seemingly have no real interest in making them their closer
– which speaks volumes considering that they ARE interested in possibly sending
Justin Speier out there to pitch batting practice in
the 9th. And of course,
there’s always the return of Billy Koch.
Eww. Then again, the Jays don’t figure to have
many late-inning leads so really, this is just padding.
BB: Considering Batista’s
K/BB ratio was 1.08, guys with those kind of rates
tend to not work real well as major league pitchers. Koch got waived and so he
will be someone else’s concern – the Mets which would be comical since he would
become their closer inevitably. Although – if anyone is going
to get him into shape – it would be Rick Peterson. The Blue Jays pen
really will be made up of the bits that would otherwise be in the PawSox pen, plus Batista as utility pitcher, a role he’s
paid far too much for. Whoops.
ED: Yeah, it’s going to be another shaky season
in the Great White North. The Jays are
getting some organizational depth in place in the minors and of all the AL East
lessers,
they seem to at least have a plan. There
might be enough here to get themselves out of the basement this year, but
that’s not really the issue. J.P.’s had to completely rebuild the system after Gord Ash ruined everything and it’s going to take another
year or two to show the results. Hey,
it’s still better than being an O’s or D-Rays fan. Faith, Canadia’s
Finest. Faith.
BB: Hey – at least Gord Ash drafted and signed a bunch of prospects with
upside. Sure, they didn’t work out once they got to the upper levels and the
majors, but that’s more of an instructional issue.
ED: A Journey Through
Fan’s Eyes – Toronto Blue Jays: GOOOOO
LEAFS!!!! LEEEEEEAFFFS!!!! Go…Lea…Leafs!
Leafs! Come back, Leafs!
BB: Aww…poor
lil Toronto.