The Veteran Presence 2005 Mrs. Urbina Memorial MLB
Preview: AL West
SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA
ANGELS
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9,847,352
PR: Combined population
of the locales that the Angles are trying to stake claim to. Soon it might be
the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of the state of California of Major League
Baseball in the
ED: See, Phil.
You gotta add/buy all those initials over time
– like karate belts. And ya gotta earn them. Sure, we all knew guys who went to like two
karate classes and bragged about being a…lavender belt or something. Maybe fuchsia. Whatever.
But we all knew those belts were nothing and he couldn’t attain any real
belts without giving a whole lot of money to a guy with an unnatural Bruce Lee
fetish running a dojo in a strip mall.
And like the guy who took two guitar lessons and bragged about being
able to play “Stairway To Heaven,” you really didn’t want an exhibition of his
skills no matter how badly he wanted to show them off. Right now the Angels are a couple of classes
into their karate phase. Yeah, they’ve
got a World Series ring to show off that they once whipped a drunk guy in a bar
fight. But deep down, they’re really the
same losers you always knew – just that they blew the money they’d ordinarily
spend on ditch weed on a couple of karate lessons. So yeah, go ahead and show off that foo-foo belt, Arte.
We know, deep down, that the guy with the stash of Bruce Lee magazines
in his office is the one who’s kicking the most butt here. And soon the Angels attention will turn to
something else and they’ll forget all about this karate belt-buying phase until
they see the old chili dog-stained karate gi at the
bottom of their closet in 10 years. And
who will be laughing then? Huh? That’s right, the last living member of the
Bruce Lee family.
BB: You know Bruce Lee's
not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his
own death so that he could work undercover for the
ED: Bruce Lee was at my high school? You would’ve thought that I would’ve noticed
the one Chinese guy in my school.
‘Course, you would’ve thought I would’ve noticed a lot of things in high
school.
8,000,000
BB: Number of dollars
Darin Erstad makes a season for his four-year
contract. This despite the fact that he’s had…oh…one year where he’s been worth
anywhere near that much. Every junkie beat writer will tell you that Erstad’s worth is incalculable by stat nerds because their
calculators don’t have buttons for heart, for grit, for inspiration, for…you
get the idea. Well – Prospectus made a good point about that one year. If he’s
such an inspiration, how come his teams outside of the World Series team were
so stinky? The answer is this: Erstad’s fielding does
account for some value not included by looking at his offensive numbers –
especially when Erstad was playing in center instead
of his comical move to first base. But there isn’t any secret path only Erstad knows that makes him worth even half of his contract.
I mean – at least David Eckstein got on base a little.
PR: In my mind, I believe
that the LAAoA thought they were locking up Eckstein
– because you can’t teach nor can you replace Scrap. Someone in accounting
screwed up – blame it on dslyexia, made ADD, whatever
– and got confused by the initials D.E. Darin Erstad
became the beneficiary. So in a face saving move, Eckstein was released (after
a back room deal was brokered to assure that Eck went to a team where his
“talents” would be appreciated.)
ED: That makes too much sense not to be true. Or maybe that makes too much sense to be
true? Whatever. I’d rather not think about it, to be honest.
BB: Well – beat writers
would rather not think about it, either. That’s why they’re professionals, Ed.
ED: So you’re saying I’m on my way, then?
717
BB: Ben Molina’s OPS last
year. This after a 746 OPS last year. Combined with his defensive numbers…this
hurts me to say but…Ben Molina is actually an adequate catcher at this point.
Of course, Jose is still crummy. And the Angels’ best prospect left in the
minor leagues is probably C Jeff Mathis. But Ben can probably have one more
good year and earn himself a decent contract from the White Sox for next year.
ED: White Sox or the Nationals. I doubt Benji
Molina is toolsy enough for Jim Bowden though.
BB: Jimmy Bows likes his
catchers white or Benito. Of course – he will probably be back at ESPN by then.
255
PR: Weight that Esteban Yan is listed at on mlb.com; a good 15 lbs heavier than Bartolo Colon. That works out to $9000 per pound. A
relative bargin for a career ERA+ of 91. Hey, its sorta close to 100. (Okay, I will be nice and mention that Yan does strike out just over seven batters a game. Mind
you, it takes him like two weeks to rack up 9 innings but I am trying to be
nice.) Still, that must be some good eating in the
ED: Remember how all the comedians used to make
the same joke about Sally Struthers getting fatter the more she did those
commercials for the starving kids in…I don’t know…Mississippi or Montana or
Columbus or some other third world country?
And, yes, the knee jerk response is to make the same joke about fat
Dominican players. Would we make the
same joke? Maybe. We are pressed for
time at this point. And we are not above
making the obvious joke – well, at least I am not, anyway. Would we make a gratuitous fat joke? Like we have any other purpose. But in this case, lemme
take the high road. Let me commend
Esteban Yan for getting out of poverty and making
something with his life even though the odds were against him. Let me commend Esteban for rising out of the
dregs of the Oriole, Cardinal, Devil Ray and Tiger organizations and getting
himself a nice payday from the Angels.
Let me commend Esteban for somehow being able to horde all the food on
an island the size of Rich Garces. One might think that someone who suffered so
much would try to be one with his people, would attempt to give back from the
bounty he has been given. But Esteban
has been Americanized to the point of kicking boney little kids to the curb
while he’s eating third and fourth helpings of dinner. If anything speaks more about the beauty of
American culture, point it out to me.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
PR: So you are saying
that he loves Michael Jackson? Hates gays? Stupid
ED: I thought I was making a joke about not
wanting his feeding tube to be removed.
I’m not certain now.
BB: THAT’S how to solve
the Schiavo case – make an offer to George Bush. She
can have the feeding tube reinserted BUT she has to marry Portia de Rossi.
5.01, 3.94, 3.93, 4.67, 4.64
PR: The 2004 Earned Run
Averages of the Halos projected starting rotation (
186
BB:
Number of strikeouts Dallas McPherson had in 561 at-bats across three levels
last year. Blustery fake news-breaking dim-witted imbeciles will tell you how
this means McPherson will never be able to succeed in the major leagues. Oh
well. McPherson slugged .660 in AA and .680 in AAA last year. That matters a
lot more than the number of strikeouts he had. And you know what? So what if he
strikes out 160 times? Never mind the research that’s found a strikeout to be a
slightly more successful outcome than a batted out in play (no GIDP! More
pitches thrown!) – its gotta be worse
because…well…Bill Plaschke told me so! And because
the stadium announcer plays demeaning music! And Urgeth
Urbina gets to do a fistpump!
ED:
BB:
Or that.
ED: The one time I follow the Primer party-line
on a prospect and Bill treats me as he should.
I’m still not sold on McPerson as the uber-prospect some are thinking he is, though. I get all kindsa
Russ Davis vibes off of him, but that’s just me. I will now leave the evaluations to Bill and
only provide the random penis jokes.
BB:
It’s OK, Ed. I got your back. I agree that he’s not going to end up being a
superstar – he’s already 25 and he doesn’t walk as much as you or I would like.
I’m sure it is fine for the Angels, though. I could see him settling into
hitting .270/.330/.530 two or three years from now which would make him Corey Koskie without the defense. So that’s not really something
to write home about.
“23”
PR: Supposed age of new
closer Francisco Rodriguez. With Troy Percival getting ridiculously overpaid in
ED: Phil is still bitter
about the 2002 post-season, I sense.
PR: To make up for the
hole created by moving K-Rod, Brendan Donnelly becomes the premier setup guy.
Donnelly was still decent last year despite battling injuries. So if healthy,
he should be fine (though he ain’t getting any
younger either). Scot Shields will probably pitch 1000 times again and be
better every time out than say… oh… Felix Heredia.
Ben Weber has been shuttled off since the Halos don’t believe in an ergonomic
workplace. They also don’t believe in left handed relievers but since this
isn’t the Yankees, no one has written 18432 stories about it.
ED: Well, since the Angels are in a division
without any real lefty mashers other than Hank Blalock, having a LOOGY doesn’t
really matter, does it?
BB: Let’s set the scene
to several years ago…
Our own Ed Agner is on a business trip just outside
That’s the only feasible
explanation for Ed not including Eric Chavez as a lefty masher in the AL West.
ED: I am glad Bill decided not to add in Erubiel Durazo too. God I hate myself. And leave the jean jacket alone. Just leave the jean jacket alone! You want me to wear my Member’s Only jacket
instead? Huh? Do ya? I will grow the wispy high school moustache
and wear the Member’s Only jacket every day if that’ll make you happy. Will it make you happy? Will it?
BB: THE ANSWER IS YES.
89
PR: Combined home run
total of the Halos new starting outfield. Vlad
Guerrero (39) is the reigning AL MVP so I don’t think the switch from the
National League was all that rough.You remember his
September right? Where he single-handly carried the
Angels into the playoffs with a 1.164 OPS? Garrett Anderson I like but this is
more because he was on one of my CC teams that actually won money, not because
he is a knock your socks off type of guy. But that was back when he could
actually hit almost 30 HRs and his RBI total was plus
120. Not the “So I only hit 14 HR and had 75 RBIs. I hit over .300!”
ED: Phil forgets about TOOLSY! Juan Rivera who
will end up getting plenty of playing time in that OF. Recipe for disastrous OF:
·
one dash of
chronically injured player in decline
·
one dash of
old guy trying to play CF
·
one dash of uber-stud with a bad back
·
one dash of
your best-fielding CF playing first base
·
a heaping
tablespoon of pasty white scrap
·
a heaping
teaspoon of overrated Yankee “prospect”
·
Mix until
well-blended. Bake until Labor Day. Allow to cool before collapsing in
October. Serves all 15 Angels fans
paying attention.
BB: Mmm
– look at these Thunderstix! No – not your thundersticks Judy – you clap these together and it makes a
really loud noise! And when’s the Rally Monkey gonna
show up? What? It’s just the third inning? Why’d we get here so EARLY for?
PR: God, I love crazed
baseball-reference sponsorship pages. Oh yeah – I smell future feature. Poor poor Tim Salmon.
“My favorite player: honest, direct,
clutch. 2001: picked off 3B, CS on the back end of a double steal. 2002: wow,
especially game 2 of WS! He'll be back.”
ED: It’s sad that I actually looked that up to
see if that was really Salmon’s sponsor’s note or something you stole from
Virtual Gammons.
BB: I question someone
who wants the same qualities from their favorite baseball player that they’d
want out of their, say, accountant. Or priest. Priests can be pretty clutch.
ED: I…uhh…I will leave
that alone.
92
PR: Games played at third
by Chone Figgins who did a
very admirable job filling in for the breaking down (and now departed) Troy Glaus. Now, Figgins moves back to
his natural position to fill in for Adam Kennedy who is still crippled (SCRAP
DOWN~!). This is especially good if he puts up numbers very similar to last
year (which would have put him in the Top 10 of all 2B last year.) Dallas
McPherson gets the shot at third and now has to live up to hype and amazing
name… and the confusion to whether he was good in the minors.
ED: The thing you have to say about the Angels
system is that they’ve produced some nice spare part players with some
semblance of quasi-versatility – DaVanon and Figgins, mostly.
It’s not their fault that they’re not particularly good over the
long-haul in one set place. They’re just
sorta like the people who only listen to mix-CD’s or
movie soundtracks. They’re sort of
diverse insofar that they know the difference between, say, ska-punk
and modern pseudo-bluegrass. And riding
in a car with them is less painful than, say, riding with a guy who only
listens to Christian rock. But the
problem is that their diversity makes them limited and their limitations are
always exposed at the wrong moment. You
know, like the diverse music guy always bragging about his depth of knowledge
and then comes the inopportune time – ya know, you’ll
be at a party and some serious music dorks will mention a band and the diverse
guy won’t know who they are. So you’ll
them him that the band is, say, an indie and the diverse guy will say something
like “Oh, you really mean alternative.
Like the Counting Crows! Did you
hear their cover of Yellow Tax--” And at
that point you’ll have to keep him from getting into a pathetic fight with some
spindly guy in a Superchunk t-shirt. Jeff Davanon seems
to me like a guy who owns at those NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC CD’s and is
proud of it. Chone
Figgins I see as a guy who has a ton of Slow Jamz comps and believes R. Kelly is better than Marvin
Gaye. Call me crazy.
BB: Aww…I
am the spindly guy in the Superchunk t-shirt. I
wonder if Pitchfork is starting a sports department? Maybe when Sandfrog blows up.
PR: Aww…
that dream is dead.
BB: The reunion tour is
only a decade away.
17
BB: Number of triples Chone Figgins hit last year.
Seven-freaking-teen. That was second in the
PR: Oh man, triples
combined with multiple position eligibility equals Figgins
being ranked by Yahoo… survey says… 73!!! That isn’t even the most absurd
ranking from the proceeding graph. Carl Crawford is 11th!!!
DISTRUPTIVE SPEED!
ED: You know what they need more of? Inside the park grand slams! Listen to me, kids!
BB: That and the Angels
need more one-armed pitchers. With big ol’
spectacles.
57
ED: Number of arm operations Paul Byrd has
undergone. I’m certain Bill can do the
math on the number of suture scars on his arm and elbow/quality start since I
am numbers-challenged. I’m pretty
certain the ratio won’t be too good.
Just a hunch.
BB: Never mind the fact
that he is leaving the wonderful warm cuddly clutches of Cutie Mazzone. That just makes Los Angeles of Anaheim of
California that much colder.
PR: What’s even funnier
to me is that Byrd hasn’t been good since 02 in
BB: He did allow a .293 BABIP
but the average NL BABIP was only .298 so that doesn’t mean really anything.
<5
ED: Number of games the Angels will win the AL
West by – and the amount of playoff games they’ll play.
OAKLAND ATHLETICS
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9-10
PR:
ED: One might point at the A’s anemic offense
last season too. Joe Morgan would, you
know that.
BB: I think Joey Scraphits is still catching up to the A’s being a Pitching
and Defense team. By 2007 (when the A’s will be sponsoring the Giambi Reunion Tour and back to their softball slugger
days), Morgan will finally be ready to talk about the A’s splitting up the Big
Three.
ED: The Big Three of Giambi,
Stairs and Grieve?
BB: Jason Hart, Ryan
Christensen, and Mario Encarnacion! Oh wait – we have
to kayfabe about the A’s not being able to develop
positional prospects. Forget I said that.
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The Handsomest Picks…well…a buncha 3’s and 4’s |
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Name |
Pos |
Comical MLB.com |
Performance |
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Nick Swisher (16) |
OF |
- Quiet hitting approach - Aggressive hitter - Playable arm |
Has performed well in minors but hasn’t shown
significant power. Drew 100+ walks in AAA last year. Aggressively. Will be
starting A’s RF in 2005. Success! |
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Joe Blanton (24) |
SP |
- Similar body type to Tim Belcher |
Has maintained excellent control in minors,
good-but-not-great strikeout rate. Will be in rotation this year, upside is # |
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John McCurdy (26) |
SS |
Sadly nothing |
Had a mediocre walk rate in college and hasn’t
hit ANYWHERE since turning pro. Total washout. |
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Ben Fritz (30) |
SP |
- Big-boned, durable, similar to Jaret Wright |
…Durable? Jaret
Wright? …Really? Fritz has shown neither command nor a strikeout pitch, and
will be in AA this year at 24 without a successful season to his name. Washout. |
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Jeremy Brown (35) |
C |
- Squatty build |
Aww, it’s the big fella.
And he’s a DIRT DOG!!! Hit in the California League after signing but hasn’t
since. Is like 5th on the A’s organizational depth chart at catcher
even with Landon Suzuki going down for the year. I would love for him to
succeed but…well…he’s stinky. |
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Stephen Obenchain (37) |
SP |
- Tall, extra-large frame. |
A’s turned him into a reliever last year. Has
posted decent peripherals but not good numbers. Another one of the |
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Mark Teahen (39) |
3B |
- Occasional power straight away. |
So by occasional power straight away, they mean
– if you give him a fastball right over the middle, he might hit it dead on. Teahan didn’t develop power until last year but developed
in time to be the crux of the Carlos Beltran deal. |
7
BB: Number of first round
draft picks A’s had in the Moneyball draft of 2002.
Since I want everyone to hate this preview…let’s take a look.
So, seven picks, a lot of
gusto, and…a #3 starter, an outfielder with15 home run power, and trade bait to
get a season and a half of Octavio Dotel. Poor handsomest GM.
PR: The best part for me
is that Fritz is “big boned” while Brown has a “squatty build”. Someone had
their thesaurus open to come up with various way to describe someone as fat.
ED: I like the Tim Belcher body type
reference. Besides me and the Belcher
family, who the hell remember Tim Belcher at this point? What, they couldn’t reference Ed Hearn or
something?
BB: I could go for that
gimmick – the guy who goes to parties and references random mediocre pitchers
and backup catchers and utility infielders. You know, like the guys who bring
up bands that released a 7” on a label out of their basement that were
fantastic the one show they were sober enough to get to in time. You know
there’s a guy who goes to the SABR convention each year expecting to pick up
the one girl who isn’t warned about the stench and body fat early enough by
bringing up his intimate knowledge of the career of Johnny LeMaster.
ED: Poor-poor Chris Kahrl.
BB: Are you offering
sympathy because you think that’s why…Chris Kahrl
became a woman? Or are you offering sympathy because Chris Kahrl
has to deal with those men hitting on her now?
2/3
PR: Fraction of the “Big
Three” that is no longer with the club. You didn’t know? There has only been
about a bizillion stories about it. Stupid media. Tim
Hudson was going to be too pricey. Mark Mulder was
too slumpy. The total booty collected: Dan Haren (penciled in as a starter), Kiko
Calero (bullpen upgrade), Juan Cruz (bullpen
upgrade), Dan Meyer, Charles Thomas (in the OF mix, especially after the usual
As OF crippling of the season) and catching prospect Daric
Barton (aww… Jeremy Brown cries). There is some real
quality there. I mean it’s not like they traded 6 guys for one year of Richie Sexson.
ED: Yeah, from a financial POV these were good
moves. Sure, it takes the A’s out of
being the class of the AL West for a year – probably – but The Handsomest got
him some nice swag in those deals. I
heart me some Calero and Cruz and they should help Dotel from falling apart.
Dan Haren is interesting insofar as he was a
Cardinal pitching prospect and those are as rare as an air conditioner in Dusty
Baker’s house in August. If Charles
Thomas was on brought in to be Eric Byrnes’ GLOVE in LF, then what is the point
of having Eric Byrnes around? Is the
Coolest GM in Baseball also a SCRAP~! addict?
BB: That’s the thing –
Charles Thomas isn’t actually any good. Or, I should say, he wasn’t any good
until last year. He doesn’t really walk that much, and he slugged .445 in
ED: Yeah.
It’s not that Thomas can hit. And
it’s not that Byrnes can field – or hit well enough to bother with him. So why have both? To peddle off onto the D-Rays for Scott Kazmir? I think I’ve
answered my question.
BB: But the Devil Rays
have Danny Bautista! Oh – aww…
.387
PR: Career OBP of Jason
Kendall who
ED: Aww, Phil is too
young yet to give up hope completely.
That’s cute.
BB: Just an FYI to those
who don’t know – Rippa had
PR: No, no – I gave up
with him after 2001 (.266/.335/.358). And the reason you can’t trade is because
you and I can’t trade with each other is because we know we are in a battle of outswindlyness. And we can’t trade with anyone else, well
because we ran TC and Stumpy out of the league and Chris refuses to ever
respond to proposed trades. Of course, I have traded the eventual Cy Young
winner away two consecutive seasons. Now I am left making any offer I can to Ed
to try and get Adam Dunn. “Come on! Eric Milton was a Clipper once. You know
you want him Ed.”
ED: Throw in Fernando Seiguignol
and…Wait!
BB: I would be all for a
trade where Ed got the rights to the entire Columbus Clipper roster for Adam
Dunn.
ED: Like I wouldn’t make that trade.
PR: I do really really like the bullpen now though. Anytime, you can move
Arthur Rhodes, that is an upgrade. Cruz and Calero
have the opportunity to blossom. And they join Ricardo Rincon who is now the
best lefty setup man in baseball since BJ Ryan is the Orioles closer. Yeah,
Chad Bradford is gone for at least half the season but that was going to happen
at some point in time. Heck, Justin Duchscherer put
up perfectly acceptable numbers and worked about 162 times. Aww…
Jim Mecir will not be missed.
BB: And now…let’s again
set the scene to several years ago.
Tall New Yorker Phil
Rippa is walking the streets of
Uno) Separe por siempre el bombo supervalorado sobre mí y mis
hermanos de LOOGY
Dos) Haga
tantas bromas off-color
BB: THAT is the only
explanation for Phil naming Ricardo Rincon as the best left-handed setup man in
baseball.
PR: Hey Now! Me and my
Mexican Savior/Secret Lover take offense to this. Granted I might have been
drunk or overawake and I don’t actually remember
writing this but I actually believe this and it isn’t as ridiculous as some of
the other things I have ever said. I mean – who’s better? I love Gabe White more than one man who loves a pedophile should
but his better years are behind him. Steve Kline is now pitching for the
Orioles and that means he will stink since they can only have one good reliever
at a time. Juan Rincon had one good year so he can’t even claim to be the best
person with his last name. Same with Mike Gonzalez. That leaves one person…
ED: You make Mike Stanton weep, Phil. Weep!
BB: The scary thing is
that, if you actually go figure it out, Ricardo Rincon very well may be the
best left-handed setup man in baseball. Holy crap.
PR: Aww...
and we can go back in time and argue about Jeff Tam vs. Gabe
White. Those were the days. Anyway – I honestly have no memory of writing that.
Which is sad. Because it means that I wrote it when asleep. Which means that my
subcoscious really really
loves Ricardo Rincon. Eh... maybe before the end of this, I will get drunk and
try to defend my position while arguing that Little Giants was the best sports
movie of all time.
BB: But there is no
moments where you start crying! Or no chill scenes! And it’s not about
basketball! How can it be the best sports movie of all time?!?!???
ED: But, Phil!
You forgot about
BB: I forgot which part
of Moneyball talked about how major league closers
are crap but college closers are really, really valuable.
ED: Was this the alternate-Moneyball
written by Tabitha?
BB: Mmmm….you
know Billy Beane will get him some of that during the
Moneyball wrap party. “When I go into a party, I will
walk out with your girlfriend.”
4 out of 5
PR: Number of OFers on the As roster who are from
ED: I dunno. I mean, Mo Vaughn moved to
BB: I am far too young and
pure and innocent to talk about strip club currency.
TEXAS RANGERS
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15
PR: Number of minutes I
spent trying to figure out who exactly might be the 5th starter and
who was going to be in the bullpen. It finally dawned on me that this was the
Rangers we were talking about and all I had to do was randomly pick some names
(making sure it had some form of Francisco in there) from Central America that
I couldn’t spell and there ya go.
ED: You could possibly also name about every
minor league arm in the Rangers system and every FA pitcher still out
there. Odds are good, however, that you
shouldn’t name Chan Ho Park.
BB: The Rangers gave
Chris Young a 3 year, $1.5 million deal in the offseason,
to keep him from joining the Sacramento Kings in the offseason.
This, despite the fact that they already own Young’s rights for the next five
years (with him making $300,000 or thereabouts automatically for the next two
years). Oh – and he’s been unremarkable in the minor leagues. Oh – and he’s 26.
But hey – at least they don’t have to worry about having Alex Rodriguez around
anymore.
PR: Chris Young – the man
with the best bio on MLB.com
“Married the former Liz
Patrick (
BB: And if he had just
taken the Kings’ money, he could’ve been the guy with the blog
on NBA.com.
|
The Rangers’ and the Free Agency
Market: Starting Pitching (since 1997) |
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|
Pitcher |
Year
before |
Contract |
Results |
|
Roger Pavlik |
5.19 ERA, 201 IP |
2 years, $4.5 million |
Pitched 71 innings. Out of baseball afterwards
at 30. |
|
Bobby Witt |
4.82 ERA, 209 IP |
1 year, $3.25 million |
Pitched 69 innings with a 7.66 ERA, traded to
Cardinals. |
|
Mark Clark |
4.84 ERA, 213.7 IP |
2 years, $9 million |
Pitched 128 innings with an ERA around 8.30. Out
of baseball afterwards. |
|
Mike Morgan |
4.18 ERA, 120.7 IP |
1 year, $900,000 |
Pitched 140 innings with an ERA of 6.24. |
|
Justin Thompson |
5.11 ERA, 142.7 IP |
2 years, $4.5 million |
Acquired as centerpiece of Juan Gonzalez trade.
Never pitched inning for Rangers. |
|
Kenny Rogers |
4.19 ERA, 195.3 IP |
3 years, $23 million |
Pitched 557 innings over three years with an ERA
of 4.65. |
|
Darren Oliver |
4.26 ERA, 196.3 IP |
3 years, $19 million |
262 innings, 5.26 ERA. Pitched third year of
contract in |
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Dave Burba |
6.21 ERA, 150 IP |
1 year, $2 million |
111 innings, 5.42 ERA, sent back to |
|
Chan Ho Park |
3.50 ERA, 234 IP |
3 years, $31 million and rising |
Too ugly for words. Someone should really redo
“Three Feet High and Rising” with a Chan Ho bent. “How high’s the debt
service, Mama? She said it’s $150 million and rising…” |
|
Hideki Irabu |
Stinky |
1 year, $550,000 |
He was awful and drunk but I really added him
just to note that the Rangers signed him AND Bill Pulsipher
on the same day. That might be the ugliest day of free agency in baseball
history. |
40
PR: Kenny Rogers’ age.
Seriously, one of these offseasons the Rangers will
go out and actually do something to address their pitching staff.
ED: Well, someone’s gotta
be the organizational whipping boy now that A-Rod’s gone.
BB: Well, last time they
tried to address the pitching staff…they signed Chan Ho Park. Whoops.
ED: The song’s “Five Feet High And Rising,”
Bill. OK, maybe in
BB: Awww…I
suck.
794 – 727
ED: The amount of runs the Rangers pitching staff
gave up v. the amount of earned runs the Rangers pitching staff gave up. Now, ol’ Buck’s a
smart cookie. He understands the value
of defense. And I’m certain some idiot
will write something about how Richard Hidalgo’s arm is so strong that he’ll be
able to cut down about 40 runs worth of base runners this year. But if the Rangers are going to make any sort
of forward progress in this division – especially with that craptastic
pitching staff and St. Orel’s preaching the gospel of
pitch-to-contact – they’re gonna need someone who can
actually catch a ball.
BB: Well – I mean – they
have been shopping Alfonso Soriano. Surely they
could’ve thrown in one of their 800 mediocre outfielders to get Pokey.
PR: Aww…
and Soriano doesn’t even really have DISRUPTIVE
SPEED! anymore. Since I am obsessed with weird things on mlb.com now, there is
nothing funnier than seeing this list on Soriano’s
player profile page
Fantasy
Comparison:
Jeff
Kent - 1609
Alfonso
Soriano - 1602
Mark
Loretta - 1447
Brian
Roberts - 1354
Bret
Boone – 1298
PR: One of these is not
like the other. One of these just doesn’t belong.
ED: What is, a truck washer, an overrated hacker,
two serviceable parts and a ballooned up midget, Alex?
BB: That is the first
time ever someone’s mentioned Brian Roberts’ name without saying Jerry
Hairston’s before or after .
16
BB: Number of starting pitchers who had three or more starts for the Rangers last year. Sixteen! And there’s a whole wide variety of suck. · They sucked young (Joaquin Benoit, Colby Lewis, Nick Regilio)
· They sucked old (Scott Erickson, John Wasdin, Mickey Callaway)
· They sucked from America (R.A. Dickey, Mike Bacsik, Sam Narron)
· They sucked from Latin America (Ricardo Rodriguez, Juan Dominguez)
· They sucked from Korea (Chan Ho Park)
· They sucked despite being a veteran and receiving an inordinate amount of run support (Kenny Rogers)
· They sucked despite having a decent hook shot (Young).
· They sucked despite their performance in Con-Air (Kameron Loe).
And then…Ryan Drese was kinda decent. Big up yourself.
ED: Ahh, it’s good to know that John Hart still doesn’t know a
pitcher from a hole in the ground. Anyone
wanna take a guess on when Hart moves Teixeira for a
LOOGY? And when Phil falls in love with
said LOOGY?
156
ED: The
combined homers that Hank Blalock, Alfonso Soriano,
BB: Ah, but at least it makes THE LADIES
happy…now, A-Rod’s not an attractive man. He couldn’t make the Bush girls…this
joke will just get me in trouble.
836 v.
736
ED: Rangers
OPS at home v. Rangers OPS on the road. Mmm, Coorsy.
BB: Best way to point out this for Rangers fans?
At home, the Rangers hit like Michael Young. On the road, they hit like Rod
Barajas. And, I mean…even Michael Young wasn’t that good.
PR: At least, at home they still get that cool,
cool breeze from Soriano hacking away.
106
BB: OPS+ in Michael Young’s “career” year last
year. Never mind that it happened at age 27. He is essentially a souped-up Homer Bush who can’t really handle shortstop – so
while that may excite some people (Hi Phil), he’s not really the cornerstone of
your team or anything approaching a real replacement for A-Rod.
PR: Aww… the Yankees
waived Homer Bush to kill that dream before it really started to flourish.
ED:
BB: I can’t tell whether it weeps because they’re
getting him or because they’re NOT getting him. Or as I’m sure you would
probably tell me – Columbus weeps just because.
ED:
Depression in the
44, 55, 78 PR: That would be the 2004 OPS+ of all the catchers in Rangers camp – Gerald Laird, Sandy Alomar Jr. and Rod Barajas. Where have you gone, dear sweet Pudge? Wow – I have heard of punting a position before but geez. My personal favorite is the Rangers website's pimping of Barajas. "HE HAD CAREER HIGHS ALMOST ACROSS THE BOARD!" Which must have been real tough since it was his first full season in the bigs. Is Orel Hershiser teaching his pitchers how to throw to stinky catchers? I mean he was tossing to Mike Scioscia all those years. ED: Aww, Phil poops on no-hittin’ catchers just to make Tim McCarver cry. If Tim McCarver cries, does his face finally move? BB: It’s way too far up {Joe Buck, Derek Jeter, Tony LaRussa}’s ass for anyone to see, Ed. Way too far.
SEATTLE MARINERS
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$64,000,000
$50,000,000
PR: Money spent on Adrian Beltre
and Richie Sexson. There ya go. The Mariners were horrific last year and decided
they needed to make a splash. So they signed a guy who the Dodgers waited 7
years for him to fulfill his potential with the mother of all contract years.
(.334/.388/.640) and a guy who missed almost all of last season and loves the
sweet sweet booze. Okay... not sure I would have gone
in that direction.
BB: Well, at least they got rid of Carlos Guillen, so they don’t have to worry about Sexson having a Latin drinking buddy. Or production from
shortstop. Whoops.
ED: You
know what the Mariners need more of?
More slap-hits. That’s why Bret
Boone cycled off the juice. Everyone
needs to be more ICHIRO-ESQUE~!!!
PR: Honestly, I am guessing Beltre
kinda settles back closer to his numbers in 2000
(.290/.360/.426) than repeating his 2004. Remember folks – this is Safeco he is
playing in. Of course, just being able to easily get out of bed in the morning
makes him an instant upgrade over Scott Spiezio.
ED: BAH!
You think Beltre can rock out with
Gammons? I think not!
BB: Ed has a very good point.
ED: I did
have a point. And then Spiezio got divorced, had the entire organization tell him
that he sucks and…and…was kicked out of/left Sandfrog. I assume at some point his dog ran away
and/or got ran over by Richie Sexson
too. Now, one may wonder how you could
get kicked out of your own vanity band and…well, I don’t know how that happened
either. Our hunch is that Spiezio is keeping his options open for the return of Candlebox. It’s
understandable. We’ve all been there. There sits the legend of Candlebox;
teasing him, toying with his desire to rock like none has ever rocked
before. How could one return to Sandfrog when the ALMIGHTY stands before him? How could one look his bandmates
in the eye again when there is lust in his heart for a force so great? Only when Spiezio
re-unites the Candlebox army can his life ever be
complete again, only then can he turn his life around. But until then he’s left…so far…so very-very
far…behiiiiyiyiyiyiyind.
BB: Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah bad! Now my spring is
complete.
PR: I really really like
Richie Sexson. Gangly and
ugly. It’s a personal connection. Since I pretty much think it was the D-Backs
comical mismanagement of Sexson (rushing him back too
soon from his first DL stint) that got him hurt for the season – I will say
that he will return to his normal self. Of course, this is Safeco he is playing
in. Where hitter’s hopes and dreams go to die. At least the weather is nice.
Oh...
ED: Richie Sexson loved Singles.
Loved it. It came out at a time
when he was entering his adulthood and taught him everything he needed to know
about lovin’ in the Great Northwest. Sure, it took some time to sink in with all
the love lessons those Melvins albums gave him. But after repeated viewings, he soon learned
to always say “bless you” when a woman sneezed.
He drank much beer. He developed
a taste for coffee. He crowd surfed. He learned to love Citizen Dick. Oh, how he loved him some Citizen Dick. He spent his college years traveling throughout
the Great Northwest trying to attend the ultra-secret Citizen Dick shows. He spent his college years collecting Citizen
Dick bootlegs. There weren’t many. The Dick was the great white whale of the
Great Northwest. There were stories of
The Dick blowing The Fastbacks off the stage.
There were tales of The Dick making the Melvns
cry. There were legends about The Dick
slaughtering Mudhoney. But those were all legends as far as anyone
knew. All that anyone knew for certain
is that Richie was the biggest Citizen Dick fan in
the world – well, he is like 17 feet tall, after all. People would slack to him from miles around
just to hear the only known boots of Citizen Dick: The
Dick on Parade, The Dick Sucks, and the immortal Touch Me, I’m Dick. Oh yeah,
they were some rough boots, all right. Richie himself even once admitted that The Dick On Parade MIGHT actually have been a recording of a
sawmill by someone who had a microphone in his arm pit. MAYBE.
But there was never any denying that…that…Citizen Dick spirit. Sure, there were those who scoffed at Richie. They told
him The Dick wasn’t a real band. They
told him even Courtney Love wouldn’t sleep with a Dick. But Richie knew –
KNEW – that Citizen Dick was the best band in the whole Great Northwest. And when I heard that Richie
was nabbed for a DUI this off-season, my only though was that Richie was on his way to
BB: “NICE JOKE ED! CAMERON CROWE WILL APPROVE!”
ED: I am
saddened that I’ve unfunnily referenced two Cameron
Crowe movies in this preview. Neither of
which I watched more than a few minutes of.
Meh.
BB: Please tell me Candlebox
was a Cameron Crowe creation. Suddenly – it all makes so much sense now.
ED: That
would be the only logical explanation to me, anyway.
996-963
PR: Mike Hargrove’s career managerial record. Was
Hargrove the best choice for the M’s? Probably not. Was he the worst choice?
God no. I mean look at some of the choices over in the Phillies
section. Or last year’s Orioles section. One thing is that I do think he got a
raw deal in
ED: Grover
is not a good handler of pitchers. Which
is something the Mariners are OK with since they can’t handle pitchers well,
organizationally, either. Misery loves
more misery. Pass the coffee, dude.
BB: In all fairness, Hargrove’s had to patch
together pitching staffs where the best pitcher at any given time was usually
Dave Burba. Or Sidney Ponson.
Ugly AND scary.
PR: Man, Bill urinates all over Mike Mussina. Of course, 2000 (Mussina’s
only year under Hargrove’s leadership) was sorta on
the stinky side. Now, of course, I am itching to figure out the worst pitcher
ever under Mike Hargrove. Mmm… content. Or maybe Bill
was trying to set me up for another Tim Crews joke. Oh, I am so conflicted.
BB: Man – I forgot about the Mussina/Hargrove
overlap. Poor fella. Worst pitcher under Mike
Hargrove…OH! Jack Armstrong! He’s always the answer to “Worst pitcher…”
questions.
ED: Aww, Bill forgets 1990.
Or maybe he wasn’t alive at the time.
Whatever.
~40
PR: Number of runs that Pokey Reese was going to
save the Red Sox last year. Well that didn’t work out as well as anyone hoped. Aww… and he even has to see his replacement all the time in
the same division too. How cute.
BB: Oh, how Pokey wanted that big contract. He was
untouchable once, you know. Huge star. Worth more than Ken Griffey
Jr. Great nickname. Fielding genius. Made out with Harold Reynolds backstage at
the ESPY’s. Hit .285 once. Finally got to his
arbitration years and became a Red Sock! And the Red Sox gave a multi-year
contract to freaking Jeff Frye! And actually paid Mike Lansing $6 million! He
was going to be the darling of the town! BU girls would throw their
undergarments at him! And then…the Red Sox non-tendered him. Oh. Well they
don’t know what they’re doing. They’ve never won anything, anyway. It’s ok.
Pokey can play
ED: Kaz Matsui?
BB: Awww – that is my
favorite joke in the entire preview.
ED: I like
how opposing OF’ers can sit down when Pokey and
ICHIRO come to bat – and if they bat them 9-1 in the order, it’s even
better. With ICHIRO~! There’s no chance
of anything being hit over their heads.
And with Pokey, there’s no chance anything will be hit. It’s like extra rest for the big guys, really. I can imagine Vlad
Guerrero out there picking dandelions like it was a little league game. OK. So
it’s
BB: This reminds me of a little league story. I
used to be a nifty little pitcher – mainly because I was fat. We are talking
eight, nine years old here. So one year I pitch a few good games and get picked
to play on a “travel” team. You all know how travel teams work. I am excited.
My little brother is also picked to play on the team. The coach for the travel
team is this very angry black man who I am horribly afraid of to this day.
Regardless, he takes a liking to me and makes me his starting pitcher for the
first game of the season. We travel – to the
I never actually learned how to pitch. Repeating
motion? No sir. Movement on my fastball? No sir. Any sort of real delivery?
Nah. I just wound back and threw it in there. My curveball was me moving my
wrist away from the batter. Which I guess would make it a slider; or, as the
umpires called it – a ball.
Anyway I get up there and I am terrified. I am all
about the safety. I throw two balls and then groove one over. The hitter smacks
a line drive to second base and hits my brother in the face on one hop. He
starts crying and is removed from the game. In comes the coach’s son who –
shall we say – is a freaking butcher. I proceed to give up twelve runs in the
first inning. None of these runs are earned. That’s not to say I was pitching
well – but let’s just say I didn’t get any help.
I get back to the dugout and my brother walks over
and says “Nice inning”. I punch him in the face and get separated by the coach
and my mom. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get punished for that one, though.
Anyway we are down like
I quit the team the next day.
ED: See, I
am only here to conjure up Bill’s bad memories.
Can the Korean cartoonist guy do that?
I think not.
BB: Ah, thank god Tony Batista’s never exposed
himself to me.
31
PR: That would be the average age of
ED: Hey,
any Mariner pitcher under the age of 30 who still has his arm attached is a big
deal.
BB: And by deal, you mean “oversight”. Poor lil Bryan Price.
615
BB: Untouchable Dan Wilson’s OPS last year. Sadly,
he has been relegated to a bench/veteran presence role so Miguel Olivo can get some playing time. Of course, the Mariners
will say he’s a drunk/tear his ACL/send him on a punitive assignment to AA/get
his mother kidnapped in order to get Dan Wilson back in the lineup by June.
4.91
ED: Ryan Franklin’s team-leading ERA. In a
pitcher’s park.
BB: Nothing funny about that. That’s just ugly.
3.36
ED: Bucky Jacobsen’s K/Walk ratio in 176 times to the
plate. Don’t worry
BB: He did slug .661 in the PCL last year. Sure –
it is a bandbox. But .661 is still .661. Of course – Ed hates strikeouts and I
love slugging percentage.
PR: Oh Ed loves strikeouts. There is a reason he
keeps protecting Adam Dunn.
ED: Oh
yeah, someone with my track record sure can’t go a-hating on the K.
0
ED: Times
Bret Boone took steroids. Just to cover
our butts from last year’s preview.
Sorry, li’l andro
man.
BB: Phew.