The Veteran Presence 2005 Mrs. Urbina Memorial MLB
Preview: AL West
SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA
ANGELS
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9,847,352
PR: Combined population
of the locales that the Angles are trying to stake claim to. Soon it might be
the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of the state of California of Major League
Baseball in the
ED: See, Phil.
You gotta add/buy all those initials over time
– like karate belts. And ya gotta earn them. Sure, we all knew guys who went to like two
karate classes and bragged about being a…lavender belt or something. Maybe fuchsia. Whatever.
But we all knew those belts were nothing and he couldn’t attain any real
belts without giving a whole lot of money to a guy with an unnatural Bruce Lee
fetish running a dojo in a strip mall.
And like the guy who took two guitar lessons and bragged about being
able to play “Stairway To Heaven,” you really didn’t want an exhibition of his
skills no matter how badly he wanted to show them off. Right now the Angels are a couple of classes
into their karate phase. Yeah, they’ve
got a World Series ring to show off that they once whipped a drunk guy in a bar
fight. But deep down, they’re really the
same losers you always knew – just that they blew the money they’d ordinarily
spend on ditch weed on a couple of karate lessons. So yeah, go ahead and show off that foo-foo belt, Arte.
We know, deep down, that the guy with the stash of Bruce Lee magazines
in his office is the one who’s kicking the most butt here. And soon the Angels attention will turn to
something else and they’ll forget all about this karate belt-buying phase until
they see the old chili dog-stained karate gi at the
bottom of their closet in 10 years. And
who will be laughing then? Huh? That’s right, the last living member of the
Bruce Lee family.
BB: You know Bruce Lee's
not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his
own death so that he could work undercover for the
ED: Bruce Lee was at my high school? You would’ve thought that I would’ve noticed
the one Chinese guy in my school.
‘Course, you would’ve thought I would’ve noticed a lot of things in high
school.
8,000,000
BB: Number of dollars
Darin Erstad makes a season for his four-year
contract. This despite the fact that he’s had…oh…one year where he’s been worth
anywhere near that much. Every junkie beat writer will tell you that Erstad’s worth is incalculable by stat nerds because their
calculators don’t have buttons for heart, for grit, for inspiration, for…you
get the idea. Well – Prospectus made a good point about that one year. If he’s
such an inspiration, how come his teams outside of the World Series team were
so stinky? The answer is this: Erstad’s fielding does
account for some value not included by looking at his offensive numbers –
especially when Erstad was playing in center instead
of his comical move to first base. But there isn’t any secret path only Erstad knows that makes him worth even half of his contract.
I mean – at least David Eckstein got on base a little.
PR: In my mind, I believe
that the LAAoA thought they were locking up Eckstein
– because you can’t teach nor can you replace Scrap. Someone in accounting
screwed up – blame it on dslyexia, made ADD, whatever
– and got confused by the initials D.E. Darin Erstad
became the beneficiary. So in a face saving move, Eckstein was released (after
a back room deal was brokered to assure that Eck went to a team where his
“talents” would be appreciated.)
ED: That makes too much sense not to be true. Or maybe that makes too much sense to be
true? Whatever. I’d rather not think about it, to be honest.
BB: Well – beat writers
would rather not think about it, either. That’s why they’re professionals, Ed.
ED: So you’re saying I’m on my way, then?
717
BB: Ben Molina’s OPS last
year. This after a 746 OPS last year. Combined with his defensive numbers…this
hurts me to say but…Ben Molina is actually an adequate catcher at this point.
Of course, Jose is still crummy. And the Angels’ best prospect left in the
minor leagues is probably C Jeff Mathis. But Ben can probably have one more
good year and earn himself a decent contract from the White Sox for next year.
ED: White Sox or the Nationals. I doubt Benji
Molina is toolsy enough for Jim Bowden though.
BB: Jimmy Bows likes his
catchers white or Benito. Of course – he will probably be back at ESPN by then.
255
PR: Weight that Esteban Yan is listed at on mlb.com; a good 15 lbs heavier than Bartolo Colon. That works out to $9000 per pound. A
relative bargin for a career ERA+ of 91. Hey, its sorta close to 100. (Okay, I will be nice and mention that Yan does strike out just over seven batters a game. Mind
you, it takes him like two weeks to rack up 9 innings but I am trying to be
nice.) Still, that must be some good eating in the
ED: Remember how all the comedians used to make
the same joke about Sally Struthers getting fatter the more she did those
commercials for the starving kids in…I don’t know…Mississippi or Montana or
Columbus or some other third world country?
And, yes, the knee jerk response is to make the same joke about fat
Dominican players. Would we make the
same joke? Maybe. We are pressed for
time at this point. And we are not above
making the obvious joke – well, at least I am not, anyway. Would we make a gratuitous fat joke? Like we have any other purpose. But in this case, lemme
take the high road. Let me commend
Esteban Yan for getting out of poverty and making
something with his life even though the odds were against him. Let me commend Esteban for rising out of the
dregs of the Oriole, Cardinal, Devil Ray and Tiger organizations and getting
himself a nice payday from the Angels.
Let me commend Esteban for somehow being able to horde all the food on
an island the size of Rich Garces. One might think that someone who suffered so
much would try to be one with his people, would attempt to give back from the
bounty he has been given. But Esteban
has been Americanized to the point of kicking boney little kids to the curb
while he’s eating third and fourth helpings of dinner. If anything speaks more about the beauty of
American culture, point it out to me.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
PR: So you are saying
that he loves Michael Jackson? Hates gays? Stupid
ED: I thought I was making a joke about not
wanting his feeding tube to be removed.
I’m not certain now.
BB: THAT’S how to solve
the Schiavo case – make an offer to George Bush. She
can have the feeding tube reinserted BUT she has to marry Portia de Rossi.
5.01, 3.94, 3.93, 4.67, 4.64
PR: The 2004 Earned Run
Averages of the Halos projected starting rotation (
186
BB:
Number of strikeouts Dallas McPherson had in 561 at-bats across three levels
last year. Blustery fake news-breaking dim-witted imbeciles will tell you how
this means McPherson will never be able to succeed in the major leagues. Oh
well. McPherson slugged .660 in AA and .680 in AAA last year. That matters a
lot more than the number of strikeouts he had. And you know what? So what if he
strikes out 160 times? Never mind the research that’s found a strikeout to be a
slightly more successful outcome than a batted out in play (no GIDP! More
pitches thrown!) – its gotta be worse
because…well…Bill Plaschke told me so! And because
the stadium announcer plays demeaning music! And Urgeth
Urbina gets to do a fistpump!
ED:
BB:
Or that.
ED: The one time I follow the Primer party-line
on a prospect and Bill treats me as he should.
I’m still not sold on McPerson as the uber-prospect some are thinking he is, though. I get all kindsa
Russ Davis vibes off of him, but that’s just me. I will now leave the evaluations to Bill and
only provide the random penis jokes.
BB:
It’s OK, Ed. I got your back. I agree that he’s not going to end up being a
superstar – he’s already 25 and he doesn’t walk as much as you or I would like.
I’m sure it is fine for the Angels, though. I could see him settling into
hitting .270/.330/.530 two or three years from now which would make him Corey Koskie without the defense. So that’s not really something
to write home about.
“23”
PR: Supposed age of new
closer Francisco Rodriguez. With Troy Percival getting ridiculously overpaid in
ED: Phil is still bitter
about the 2002 post-season, I sense.
PR: To make up for the
hole created by moving K-Rod, Brendan Donnelly becomes the premier setup guy.
Donnelly was still decent last year despite battling injuries. So if healthy,
he should be fine (though he ain’t getting any
younger either). Scot Shields will probably pitch 1000 times again and be
better every time out than say… oh… Felix Heredia.
Ben Weber has been shuttled off since the Halos don’t believe in an ergonomic
workplace. They also don’t believe in left handed relievers but since this
isn’t the Yankees, no one has written 18432 stories about it.
ED: Well, since the Angels are in a division
without any real lefty mashers other than Hank Blalock, having a LOOGY doesn’t
really matter, does it?
BB: Let’s set the scene
to several years ago…
Our own Ed Agner is on a business trip just outside
That’s the only feasible
explanation for Ed not including Eric Chavez as a lefty masher in the AL West.
ED: I am glad Bill decided not to add in Erubiel Durazo too. God I hate myself. And leave the jean jacket alone. Just leave the jean jacket alone! You want me to wear my Member’s Only jacket
instead? Huh? Do ya? I will grow the wispy high school moustache
and wear the Member’s Only jacket every day if that’ll make you happy. Will it make you happy? Will it?
BB: THE ANSWER IS YES.
89
PR: Combined home run
total of the Halos new starting outfield. Vlad
Guerrero (39) is the reigning AL MVP so I don’t think the switch from the
National League was all that rough.You remember his
September right? Where he single-handly carried the
Angels into the playoffs with a 1.164 OPS? Garrett Anderson I like but this is
more because he was on one of my CC teams that actually won money, not because
he is a knock your socks off type of guy. But that was back when he could
actually hit almost 30 HRs and his RBI total was plus
120. Not the “So I only hit 14 HR and had 75 RBIs. I hit over .300!”
ED: Phil forgets about TOOLSY! Juan Rivera who
will end up getting plenty of playing time in that OF. Recipe for disastrous OF:
·
one dash of
chronically injured player in decline
·
one dash of
old guy trying to play CF
·
one dash of uber-stud with a bad back
·
one dash of
your best-fielding CF playing first base
·
a heaping
tablespoon of pasty white scrap
·
a heaping
teaspoon of overrated Yankee “prospect”
·
Mix until
well-blended. Bake until Labor Day. Allow to cool before collapsing in
October. Serves all 15 Angels fans
paying attention.
BB: Mmm
– look at these Thunderstix! No – not your thundersticks Judy – you clap these together and it makes a
really loud noise! And when’s the Rally Monkey gonna
show up? What? It’s just the third inning? Why’d we get here so EARLY for?
PR: God, I love crazed
baseball-reference sponsorship pages. Oh yeah – I smell future feature. Poor poor Tim Salmon.
“My favorite player: honest, direct,
clutch. 2001: picked off 3B, CS on the back end of a double steal. 2002: wow,
especially game 2 of WS! He'll be back.”
ED: It’s sad that I actually looked that up to
see if that was really Salmon’s sponsor’s note or something you stole from
Virtual Gammons.
BB: I question someone
who wants the same qualities from their favorite baseball player that they’d
want out of their, say, accountant. Or priest. Priests can be pretty clutch.
ED: I…uhh…I will leave
that alone.
92
PR: Games played at third
by Chone Figgins who did a
very admirable job filling in for the breaking down (and now departed) Troy Glaus. Now, Figgins moves back to
his natural position to fill in for Adam Kennedy who is still crippled (SCRAP
DOWN~!). This is especially good if he puts up numbers very similar to last
year (which would have put him in the Top 10 of all 2B last year.) Dallas
McPherson gets the shot at third and now has to live up to hype and amazing
name… and the confusion to whether he was good in the minors.
ED: The thing you have to say about the Angels
system is that they’ve produced some nice spare part players with some
semblance of quasi-versatility – DaVanon and Figgins, mostly.
It’s not their fault that they’re not particularly good over the
long-haul in one set place. They’re just
sorta like the people who only listen to mix-CD’s or
movie soundtracks. They’re sort of
diverse insofar that they know the difference between, say, ska-punk
and modern pseudo-bluegrass. And riding
in a car with them is less painful than, say, riding with a guy who only
listens to Christian rock. But the
problem is that their diversity makes them limited and their limitations are
always exposed at the wrong moment. You
know, like the diverse music guy always bragging about his depth of knowledge
and then comes the inopportune time – ya know, you’ll
be at a party and some serious music dorks will mention a band and the diverse
guy won’t know who they are. So you’ll
them him that the band is, say, an indie and the diverse guy will say something
like “Oh, you really mean alternative.
Like the Counting Crows! Did you
hear their cover of Yellow Tax--” And at
that point you’ll have to keep him from getting into a pathetic fight with some
spindly guy in a Superchunk t-shirt. Jeff Davanon seems
to me like a guy who owns at those NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC CD’s and is
proud of it. Chone
Figgins I see as a guy who has a ton of Slow Jamz comps and believes R. Kelly is better than Marvin
Gaye. Call me crazy.
BB: Aww…I
am the spindly guy in the Superchunk t-shirt. I
wonder if Pitchfork is starting a sports department? Maybe when Sandfrog blows up.
PR: Aww…
that dream is dead.
BB: The reunion tour is
only a decade away.
17
BB: Number of triples Chone Figgins hit last year.
Seven-freaking-teen. That was second in the
PR: Oh man, triples
combined with multiple position eligibility equals Figgins
being ranked by Yahoo… survey says… 73!!! That isn’t even the most absurd
ranking from the proceeding graph. Carl Crawford is 11th!!!
DISTRUPTIVE SPEED!
ED: You know what they need more of? Inside the park grand slams! Listen to me, kids!
BB: That and the Angels
need more one-armed pitchers. With big ol’
spectacles.
57
ED: Number of arm operations Paul Byrd has
undergone. I’m certain Bill can do the
math on the number of suture scars on his arm and elbow/quality start since I
am numbers-challenged. I’m pretty
certain the ratio won’t be too good.
Just a hunch.
BB: Never mind the fact
that he is leaving the wonderful warm cuddly clutches of Cutie Mazzone. That just makes Los Angeles of Anaheim of
California that much colder.
PR: What’s even funnier
to me is that Byrd hasn’t been good since 02 in
BB: He did allow a .293 BABIP
but the average NL BABIP was only .298 so that doesn’t mean really anything.
<5
ED: Number of games the Angels will win the AL
West by – and the amount of playoff games they’ll play.
OAKLAND ATHLETICS
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9-10
PR: