2005 NFL Draft Recap
ED: Of course we would be remiss if we didn’t cover the
NFL draft in some way. But Phil and Bill
are Giants fans and their 2005 draft was ruined last year. I am a Raider fan and…well…my hatred of the
draft is pretty self-explanatory. So in between
some sweet-sweet naps, flipping around to the baseball games going on and
trying to stay out of the friggin’ snow I caught enough of the draft to make me
realize why I tend not to pay too much attention to the draft.
BB: Eight hours in, I was sitting in front of my TV,
wondering why I was looking forward to this. Stupid football.
Stupid dreams.
PR: My folks were in town so I kept seeing bits and
pieces of the first day (and none of the second). Sadly – I did catch most of
the first round and the Jets and Giants second round picks. Stupid
Jets.
THE GOOD
ED: Cedric
Benson’s tears. Really, if people were
comparing you to Ricky Williams wouldn’t you cry too? I would.
But I cry over anything at this stage in my life.
BB: Cause the music they constantly play…it says
nothing to me about my life…
PR: This was really amazing as he just kept babbling on
about the “process” being “unfair”. What I really wanted to see was the shots
of the Bears front office turning green watching it and sending random interns
to yank some video cables out in hopes of ESPN losing the feed. For
uncomfortableness, this was like that time when some
random European (possibly Darko) gave his NBA draft interview sans interrupter
for the first time.
ED: A kid fresh
out of college who just became a multi-millionaire complaining about an unfair
system not setting off the irony meters at ESPN tells you everything you need
to know about those lunkheads.
ED: Maurice
Clarett. Denver. It’s like Mike Shanahan feels remorse for
sucking as Raiders head coach all those years ago and has done everything in
his power to help the Raiders get out of the basement. Thank you Coach
Weasel-face. You still suck,
though. God do you
suck.
BB: I honestly never knew he was Raiders coach before
just now. Was he a sexy genius then, too?
ED: Yes. Yes, unfortunately he was. I hate you.
PR: Aww… you are young. The fact that Shanahan was the
one who replaced Art Shell just adds that extra level of hate.
ED: You…you…you suck. Shanahan replaced Tom Flores and was replaced
by Art Shell – who was replaced by…ugh…Mike White…who was replaced by Joe Bugel
and then came the Chucky era. Yeah. That helps cool down my hate. Someone wanna
explain why I care about football again?
Oh yeah. Because
Ray Handley is not on that list.
PR: Anyway… okay, so the Broncos decide to take a flier
on Mo Clarett. Yeah it was a supplemental pick, so you figure “Hey! Why not?” Well since the Broncos picked three straight CBs,
one would think they would address other areas of need. Running back was not
one of those areas… based just on sheer numbers. Mike Anderson – check. Quentin
Griffin – check. Tatum Bell – check. Ron Dayne – check. Kyle Johnson, Cecil
Sapp – check, check. I mean, if you are going to take a flier, take Adrian
McPherson. Is 31-year old Danny Kanell the future? Oh that’s right – Jake
Plummer. Yup – SCRAMBLING QB OF THE FUTURE! JAKE THE SNAKE!!! Really – the only
thing that could top this would be the Redskins using a first round draft pick
on a quarterback…
ED: Well, if
IIIIIIIIII were a genius Bronco management person – which of course, means I
would be the most out-of-place person on the planet – IIIIIII would take a look
at the dreck they have collected at WR.
But that’s just me. ‘Course,
planning on replacing Plummer is never a bad idea either. Look how it’s worked out for Arizo—Oh. Right.
ED: Chris
Mortensen doing everything in his power to jinx the Bengals made my entire
month. SLEEPER PICK!!!
BB: I’ve been reading up a bunch on Test Card F
recently – Test Card F, for the uninitiated like myself, is the most famous
test card (American: test pattern) that the BBC used for…well…test pattern
purposes. The Bengals are basically a test pattern – you could put any Bengals
game from the last fifteen years on television each Sunday and the only people
who would notice would be the other team’s fans. Anyone who tells you otherwise
is lying.
ED: Mike Vrabel
working heel. Trent Green says
something, Vrabel takes the opposite side.
Well, really, wouldn’t you do the same?
BB: I see how this works…
Kurt Warner: “You know, you
don’t have to stick around. I could just work late tonight. It doesn’t matter,
you know, cause my wife, Brenda, she’s out of town or getting rid of cancer or
doing a radio show or something. Which is actually kind of
lucky in the end, ‘cause all these guys would be coming on to her.”
Trent Green: “Yeah, you really dodged a bullet there.”
PR: Highlight of this was the argument over Luis
Castillo where Vrabel turns to Jon Jansen and says “Well, obviously you never
took steroids.”
ED: Jets
fans. Is there any point in having the
draft if the Jets can’t make a horrible pick so ESPN can show the fan
reactions? I think not.
BB: I’m with Ed on this one – let’s make sure the Jets
get a compensatory selection at the end of the first round each year. Actually – no. Let’s make sure they have the first pick
every year, but secretly, they’re limited to pick from like the six worst
defensive linemen in the draft. Or a tight end.
PR: Well I think J-E-T-S fans are onto it and now just
boo any pick because it is what is expected of them. God, I hate people. That
all being said… they did pick a kicker… from Ohio State. That was the moment I
stopped caring.
ED: But-but…Ohio
State is a pressure cooker! Right. Just like New
York. Uh-huh. God I loathe Ohio State.
PR: Probably my absolute favorite 2005 draft moment was
Aaron Rodgers hitting on Suzy Kolber. “I’ve been waiting all day to talk to
you, baby.” Okay – I might have exaggerated the baby part but don’t think I
didn’t dream the entire Rodgers/Kolber courtship in my mind. And then I got
very jealous. Then I thought about Summer Sanders and Ed infringing on my
gimmick and I started to cry. I lead a sad and sheltered life.
ED: Don’t worry,
Phil. I never dream of Summer Sanders
not having sex with me.
PR: Really, is there a more appropriate place for Dan
Cody to end up than the Ravens? I am begging the NFL Network to cover their
training camp. And if not – then he better be a guest on Deion Sanders’ new
reality show.
ED: I would
settle for a shot on Hammer’s show on the God Channel. But that’s just me.
THE
BAD
ED: Phil made a
joke in one of the WTW’s that punching John Lynch in the jimmy would actually
entail punching Chris Berman in the head.
After watching the Green Bay pick, I realized this is only true if Brett
Favre is too loaded on painkillers to accept heart-attack man’s boisterous
lovin’.
BB: I’m pretty sure when Brett Favre dies playing
quarterback it will be like the Dale Earnhardt death but times one million.
PR: To me, the Berman misty water colored memories of
Niners teams past was far more blatant in the drooling fanboyism than the Favre
love. If I heard one more time “ONE OF THE MOST DOMINANT TEAMS OF THE 80s!” I
was gonna barf.
ED: God I wished
Berman would’ve called Harry Carson a sissy too.
ED: Anttaj
Hawthorne. No, not because I care one
way or other about him as a pick or assume he’s good or bad. Not that I even mind the pot use. It’s just that after the Raiders drafted him,
everyone pulled out the stock line about the Raiders not caring about character
issues. Now, I remember the glory days
of the Raiders. I do not pretend that
the Raiders have ever courted choir boys – sans Marc Wilson, I guess. But without even looking through
cracksmoker.com, I can tell you that the Raiders have had less flat-out
complete and total thugs over the last 10 or so years than say Dallas or a
Baltimore. But let’s not confuse facts
with preconceived notions.
BB: This was comical to me too. Do you really think he
was one of the FOUR people in the college draft pool who uses marijuana? …
ED: Michigan
WR’s who’ve had a decent career in the pro’s: Anthony Carter…umm…I guess
Desmond Howard had one good day – as a kick returner…Amani Toomer? Nice of ESPN to gloss over
the fact when bragging up Braylon Edwards.
BB: Come on Ed. David Terrell is BRADY REQUESTED!!!!
That means at least…30 catches. And
at most…45.
PR: Okay, no seriously. The Jets didn’t draft a kicker…
from Ohio State… in the 2nd round. I mean, yeah, those angry Doug
Brien quotes are fun but… kicker… from Ohio State. That is so much more the
double whammy than taking a kicker in the 1st round who might be deported. AND if you are going to draft a
kicker in the 2nd round, shouldn’t he be able to also, ya know…HANDLE
KICKOFFS TOO?!?!?!?!?!
ED: Hey, if
Columbus is the AAA affiliate for the Yankees, why not the Jets too? And if they would’ve taken Henson, imagine
the SYNERGY!
PR: I will put this here since it is bad for the team
but oh so good for me. The Redskins drafted Jason Campbell. Hehehehehe…. Yeah,
Patrick… hehehe… Ramsey loves his… hehehehehe… life. Three
QBs. Three being paid starters money. Aww… Tim Hasselbeck can be
unemployed with his wife now.
ED: I am always
happy when teams do dumber things than the Raiders on draft day. Like the Redskins…and Seattle.
THE
UGLY
ED: Andrea Kramer.
I’ve always wondered how she got that gig with ESPN. Usually, one with her…uhh…unusual looks
doesn’t get on TV – especially not a national network. At first, I assumed she had to have extensive
football knowledge. Then I heard her
interview. Strike two. Now, I have absolutely no idea how or why she
got that prime gig – other than the wonderfully uncomfortable moments with Bill
Romanowski in previous drafts. Aww,
‘roids make you blind. I see her these
days and she just reminds me of a psycho ex-girlfriend you tried to talk a
buddy out of sleeping with. And I assume
she is practiced at the art of boiling bunnies.
You would think Chris Berman would give up on having pets at this
stage. As part of our future
subscription only VP.com INSIDER section, we will describe the act of Berman
and Kramer bumping uglies – IN DETAIL.
Save those pennies, kids.
BB: Yeah – so thinking that it would be the scene from
“The Accused”.
ED: I assume Al
Davis is near death. And that makes me
sad. Why do I assume this? Because everyone has gone out of their way
not to poop on the Raiders picks this weekend.
I will miss Al. That still won’t ever
make me get all giddy about any Raiders draft though.
BB: What is the procedure for electing a new Raiders
owner? Phil?
PR: I am guessing everyone just has to run the 100.
SPEED~! I am giddy about Renaldo Nehemiah being in charge.
ED: Hey, if
Kerry Collins is the QB, what does it matter if your WR’s can catch or not?
ED: Did you know
that Ben Roethlisberger was a rookie QB last year? He was.
I learned that the first 2000 times ESPN mentioned the fact. The next 3000 mentions of this might have
been a bit of overkill. Maybe.
BB: BEST ROOKIE QUARTERBACK EVER!!!!
PR: Yup – falling to #11 was such a hardship. God, I
hate ESPN sometimes.
BB: Really ugly is the USC backup QB getting drafted
but Timmy Chang sitting. Oh well. One Mike Jones-loving Cardinals fan is giddy.
PR: Aww… Jason White wanders the streets telling anyone
who will listen how he almost won two Heismans.
ED: Hey doesn’t
really have to say a word. The sounds of his knees creaking says everything to everyone
from miles around.
PR: Who knew that Torry Holt stuttered?
ED: And yet was
still better than Michael Irvin.
PR: Actual conversation I had with my father:
DAD: So who was drafted first?
ME: Alex Smith
DAD: Was he the quarterback form
Utah?
ME: Yeah
DAD: Where did the other one go?
ME: Aaron Rodgers hasn’t been
selected yet
DAD: No, no – the other QB. The
one from Utah
ME: Alex Smith was the one from
Utah.
DAD: What about that other QB. Ronnie something. I think he was from Auburn.
ME: Ronnie Brown is a running back
from Auburn and he was picked second. Jason Campbell was the QB at Auburn but
he wasn’t the one projected to go number two. That was Aaron Rodgers.
DAD: The QB from Utah?
ED: I hope this is saved forever so Phil’s son
can refer back to this when the same conversation takes place in 20 years.