The Veteran Presence 2005 Mrs. Urbina Memorial MLB
Preview: NL Central
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
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ED: We spent the majority of last season pooping
all over the Cards pitching staff and somehow their general crappiness kept
from biting the Cards in the butt until October. Oh sure, Joe Buck wanted you all to believe
that this staff was the ’71 Orioles but...C’mon. You, dear reader, should be able to fill in
the Joe Buck jokes by now. Sure, he’s the
bastion of morality, the beacon of class, the sultan of sophistication amongst
sports announcers, but let’s face it: he’s a big friggin’ idiot. This
is, after all, a man who sits in an announcing booth with Tim McCarver, Chris Collinsworth and
Troy Aikman and is able to stand out as the biggest moron
on a Fox network. And that should say
everything you need to know about Joe Buck.
I mean, even Bill O’Reilly laughs and points at him. Think about that.
BB: Well, in all fairness
– Bill O’Reilly points and laughs at Democrats, too. And it’s impossible to be
a bigger loser than a Democrat. But Joe Buck, yeah, he inspires more hate than
most. The thing is – Buck tries to have it both ways, and that just doesn’t
work. You can’t be the smug, condescending moral authority of the booth,
swallowing Tim McCarver’s last spurts of senility
about how no one plays like the ’64 Cardinals to confirm them for the masses
and then go film Budweiser commercials and interview your co-stars for a
wonderful pseudo-event. Never mind his condescending “You might not be aware of
(‘Carlos Beltran, Johan Santana, Lance Berkman’)
remarks all last season when anyone who didn’t play for the Red Sox or Yankees
came up to bat or pitched. You want to know why people don’t know who they are,
Joey B? Because FOX doesn’t show
their games.
PR: Why bother telling
us. THE CAST OF THE OC IS IN THE CROWD!!!! THERE IS WILMER VALDERRAMA! HE
SLEEPS WITH YOUNG, HOT ACTRESSES!!! BEN AFFLECK IS HERE! HE IS STILL A LOSER!!!
ED: And that Robin Williams! Boy is he a card! His act has NEVER gotten old!
BB: Come on – I’d rather
see the Robin Williams shtick for eternity than have to sit through the Robin
Williams: Serious Actor nonsense ever again. Actually – I think I want Robin
Williams to die and David Cross to play Robin Williams for the rest of his
life.
ED: I’m OK with that. Who would play Billy Crystal then?
ED: So, uhh…Yeah. The Cards did nothing that I would consider
problem-solving – or even any semblance of attempting to improve the team. Oh sure, Gammons has been drooling all over
the Cards this spring. But then Gammons
is at the point of drooling all over everything. Of course, all that drool makes Joe Buck’s
work on LaRussa’s li’l
mullet all the easier, I guess. Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong, indeed! Yeah, you know you wanted that visual. You did.
Just admit it.
BB: I really hope that no
one’s first sexual experience – male or female – involves Joe Buck and Tony LaRussa. There is also a smallball/getting
to first base/small balls joke that would be forced and unfunny and…I will make
it later this season.
PR: SECOND HALF PREVIEW!
ED: Is that when we’re gonna
have this out now?
ED: All right, all right. We’ve gotta save
some Joe Buck jokes for the rest of the year.
Onto the team.
Supposedly, the big thing that will put the Cards over the top is the
Mark Mulder trade.
And, superficially, I can see Mulder having a
nice year. Sure, he goes from a more
extreme pitchers park to a more neutral pitchers park, but he also gets to face
the pitcher spot 3-4 times a game, some pretty anemic offenses in his division,
will have better run support and a better outfield defense than he did in
Oakland. That’s not to say that anyone’s
giving him the Cy this year. He’s still a question mark, health-wise, his
walk rate really rose last year, he pulled down a nice big workload and then
there’s the fact that the Cardinal middle infield defense is now completely
stinky-poo-poo.
Obviously, those trouble signs make him a perfect Cardinal.
BB: On the bright side,
working with Dave Duncan does seemingly help veteran starters who have issues
with their mechanics and/or command. On the dull side, LaRussa
and Duncan fall so in love with their mechanics that they start munching on
their arms until they get Alan Benes’d.
ED: Anyway, the Cards staff wasn’t ever particularly
good last season. Sure, there were much
worse and the Cards cast o’ cripples did somehow manage to pull down a ton of
innings despite – or because of – the morphine drips that replaced the
post-game ice-downs. But this was never
a staff that you could look at as a force in October – just ask the Red
Sox. And the lessons we learned from the
Sox exposing that Cards in the WS were that – the Cards got really lucky for
the majority of the season; the Cardinals’ offense was outstanding; the
Cardinals defense bailed out the rag-tag staff far too much; and the NL is a
really bad hitting league. The order of
importance to those things is mostly insignificant. Mostly.
BB: Yes – because the
most important part is that the Cardinals were a team of freaking albinos.
ED: Reggie Sanders is an albino?
ED: What is significant about all that is that
the Cards then spent the off-season trying to solve their Rubik’s Cube
by…adding an oft-injured pitcher with a top-flight reputation who had a bad
second half; jettisoning some of their pitching flotsam and letting one of the
best SS’s in the game get away. On the
bright side, no one else in their division really did a whole lot to jump ahead
of the Cards at this point so…Hey!
Stasis! And a loss in a five game
playoff series is better than being the Pirates, right? Right? No, I don’t know about that either. I mean, Lloyd McClendon is WAY sexier than a
60 year old man in a jet-black mullet. WAYYYYYY SEXIER.
BB: Well Ed, I am
presuming you see lots of 60 year old men with jet black mullets in the Midwest
as opposed to crazy black men. Me – personally – I try to never leave my
apartment. That both keeps me safe and the handsomest
man alive.
PR: Why do anything anyway when you can just let the manager of your
closest rival slowly destroy their team from the inside?
ED: Are we talking about LaRussa
or Dusty here?
ED: The rest of the rotation is the same type of
crud that that Cards hauled out there last year. Jason Marquis may be the best bet to be a compliment
to Mulder, but that’s nothing to get too excited
about, really. Otherwise…the corpse of
Matt Morris whenever/if ever he returns?
Rick Ankiel?
Rick Friggin’ Ankiel? Oh,
man.
BB: OH! They’re moving
Rick Ankiel to the pe…whoops.
I can’t say that Rick Ankiel should’ve remained a
pitcher. That is up to him. I can say that the odds of him being a successful
major-league hitter are…microscopic. People are pimping his .286/.357/.638 line
in rookie ball at age 22 as a sign that he can hit. Those are nice numbers, but
that’s hitting against 19 and 20 year olds and isn’t a particularly impressive
performance at that age and level. He also hit .200/.269/.400 at AA at 24. He
has no hitting profile whatsoever. I feel bad for him in a way, but pitching is
the only way he’ll ever become a major leaguer. Even if it’s
just as a LOOGY.
PR: Well see, the DEMONS!
caught up to Ankiel. Whether
they were the same DEMONS! That plagued Dexter Manley… I can only hope. Anyhoo – LaRussa admittedly
ruined Ankiel as a pitcher so now he is trying to
make it as an OFer. This will be fun.
ED: I thought Ankiel’s
DEMONS! were/are the same as what will destroy Lindsay
Lohan.
BB: Rick Ankiel’s DEMON! is Lindsay Lohan’s dad?
ED: Well, Rick and Linsday
are both pretty hot so…yeah?
BB: Is the Matt Morris
dream dead? Is it Matt Morris who wanted to pitch for the White Sox, or Mark Buehrle who wanted to pitch for the Cardinals?
PR: Despite the fantasy
bitterness I should have, I heart Morris. Be Brave Little Soldier.
ED: Even worse is the fact that the pen really
got worked hard last year. Really-really-really hard.
Add on that the fact that the bulk of that pen is nothing you should
have ever depended too much upon in the first place and…you’ve got a nice bunch
of lighter fluid. This should come as no
surprise to anyone who’s ever seen LaRussa
operate. But hey, he’s the genius, not
me.
BB:
www.craigslist.org > st. louis
> casual encounters > get out a cleanup hitter for me – L4L
get out a cleanup hitter for me
Reply
to: anon-6157343@craigslist.org
Date:
2005-08-17, 11:58 PM CDT
Have
a problem with left-handed slugger in the middle of the opposition’s lineup.
Don’t want to commit to someone for multiple batters. That’s where you come in.
Throw ten warm up pitches, I’ll stall for a little bit, you come in, do your
thing, I’ll stall some more, you get out of there. No need to reciprocate. Me:
tall, handsome, jet black hair, mid 40’s :). You: funky throwing motion, mid
40’s, preferably white. Send picture to get picture. Hurry up – I think Mulder is tiring, he’s only thrown
147 pitches.
BB: If I am a Cardinals
fan I would be seriously, seriously worried about this bullpen – much more so
than the Mets or the Cubs are about theirs. The Cardinals lost Steve Kline and Kiko Calero – probably the 2nd
and 3rd best pitchers in the pen. Ray King is only average against righties (.696 OPS versus righties/.503 versus lefties over
the last three years). They added Mike Myers to be LOOGY Supreme…and then dealt
him back to the Red Sox. That leaves Julian Tavarez
who not only had a flukishly good year last year but
is also insane. How do I define flukishly good? Giving up one home run all season. Of course – he has
done that two years in a row, somehow. Regardless – he
isn’t gonna have a 2.38 ERA again.
PR: Well you could argue
that he is a dirty cheater but since he is a pitcher and they have been doing
it since the beginning of time, it’s forgotten. No cream or clear means A-OK.
ED: TRADITION! Phil! TRADITION!
BB: There is also Cal
Eldred who…I feel bad for Cal Eldred, but if you are going to rely on him – you
are asking for trouble. They also lost Dan Haren in
the Mulder trade which costs them their long
reliever. So they are ugly on the left and really, really ugly on the right. When your manager insists on getting his exercise solely through
trips to and from the mound, that’s going to become a problem.
BB: Jason Isringhausen is a very good closer but he is about as
healthy as a Thickburger.
PR: Is that what they are
calling Ray King now?
ED: Aww…
BB: The Cardinals, over
the past four years, have shown the ability to both score runs and prevent runs
at a pennant-caliber level, just not very often at the same time. They did in
2002 but ran into Bonds. This year, their offense improved ever so slightly –
70 or so more ABs from Jim Edmonds, along with Reggie
Sanders as opposed to the mix of Eduardo Perez/Orlando Palmeiro and an injured
JD Drew/Ray Lankford they’d been rolling out so far – and they got better work
out of their back of their bullpen than they had in previous years, and they
got slightly better work out of their staff. Incremental improvements took them
from the 90 win team they were to the 100 team they became.
ED: Offensively, the Cards will still score some
runs, presumably. Of course, the only
Cardinal regular who’s not an injury risk is Reggie Sanders. And when Reggie Sanders is your rock, you
probably shouldn’t make World Series plans.
Best case scenario, you get 110- 125 games with Larry Walker, Jim
Edmonds and Scott Rolen and Albert Pujols all together in the line-up. That means you’re giving Roger Cedeno and John Mabry a helluva
lot of AB’s. You can talk large and
small market crap all you want. But if
the best you can do for bench players are Roger Cedeno
and John Mabry when you’ve got far too many injury risks in your regular
line-up, you ain’t doing your job as a GM. But hey, Walt Jocketty
won a World Series back in the first Bush’s term. He’s better than me. I am no expert.
BB:
www.craigslist.org > st. louis
> help wanted > bench players for legendary base ball manager
bench players for legendary base ball
manager
Reply
to: anon-6157343@craigslist.org
Date:
2005-03-28, 12:58 PM PST
Looking for temporary players to fill out bench of
professional baseball team in 2005.
Team has history of success, solid, stable ownership, excellent
ties within both local and national media.
Desired
applicants should: 1. Be able to play multiple positions
be
able to fulfill as many 2. Want to
learn how to play more positions
of
the following criteria 3. Be
able to play catcher
as
possible 4.
Want to learn how to play catcher
Prior experience with ’87-’95 Oakland Athletics
not required but highly recommended.
Benefits:
Playing in front of THE BEST FANS IN AMERICA!!, learn
new positions, possible re-employment at new franchise ten years from now
ED: But the best thing about the 2K5 Cards is the
changes in the middle infield. Say all
you want about Tony Womack, but at least he could move. Sure he can’t, ya
know, field very well. But he could
move. Hey, he even had a nice little
offensive season – for Tony Womack.
(Yes, that’s like saying you did good on your SAT’s…for being a
mongoloid. Which I assume was said about
Tony Womack once in his life too. Maybe not.)
PR: Wait, are you
implying that Womack did poorly on his SATs or that he is a mongoloid? And with
the newly “recentered” SATs, do mongoloids get take untimed tests? Extra points for drooling?
ED: Golly, if only I could have honestly answered
yes to all the above. I sure would’ve done a whole lot better on my SAT.
ED: So you replace Womack
with a guy who had no range BEFORE he had a bad back? OK.
Todd Walker chuckles. Derek Lowe
flips the bird at Voros. Life goes on.
But then, you let the most unheralded SS in the game go and you replace
him with…David Eckstein?
PR: Is this a good time
to mention that Ed decided on whether to keep the most unheralded SS in the
game on a coin flip. Come draft day… Ed will not have to worry about whether
Hideki Matsui was taken. Aww…
BB: Not to mention a coin
flip that took a full day to run.
ED: You realize how hard it is for a guy like me
to get someone to loan me a coin? And
now probably is not a good time for me to go into my story about failing a test
on money in the second grade because I didn’t know what a coin was. Stupid…brain!
BB: …
ED: Yeah.
That’s what I thought.
ED: Oh sure, the
whiteness factor makes him perfect for St. Louis, I know, but…has anyone in St.
Louis actually seen him try to play SS?
Even the VP.com softball team wouldn’t even let him play SS. I trust Rippa to not hit Bill in the head
with all his throws over El Albinocito’s fielding. Of course, it’s
Bill’s head not mine. He’s young and has
more brain cells than me. What do I
care?
BB: David Eckstein scored
a 98 on the TeamFinder for the Cardinals, Ed. There
was absolutely no way he wasn’t going there. As for VP softball – if you want
to put 6’6” with a kid Rippa at shortstop and 5’10” hopped on caffeine me at
first – you may have a career in softball management.
PR: You laugh but this
actually happened to me. I am sure I wrote about it… hold on…
http://www.veteranpresence.com/email/rippa_2.html
BB: 75% of a season of
Larry Walker instead of the Ray Lankford/SO TAGUCHI (yes – his name is too
funny to not leave fully capitalized) combination. They combined for 432
at-bats last year and created 54 runs. Walker had 258 at-bats and created 62.
That’s almost a full game’s difference right there. If Walker can get back up
to his usual 450 or so at-bats, the difference will be about 3 or 4 wins above
what they had last year, making him as valuable as any of the free agent
signings this offseason.
BB: I am sure that if the
Cardinals win 80 games this year people will say it was because they lost Mike
Matheny – chemist and catcher extraordinaire. Except for the fact that every
study of Catcher ERA (the ERA recorded by pitchers while a particular catcher
is in the game) has shown that the catcher has absolutely no effect on ERA. And
that Mike Matheny hits roughly as well as Rick Ankiel.
And he’s turning 34 and likely to suffer through injuries and a drop-off in his
already ugly numbers. But when the Giants win 75 games after Bonds sits out
most of the season, will anyone say that it was because they got no production
out of their catcher? What do you think?
ED: I think that Cardinal fans would still
complain about not having Matheny, actually.
BB: Oh come on – they
will be too busy turning on Mark McGwire. Or sucking on the Larry Walker teat.
ED: Oooo, Canadian.
BB: I think the Cardinals
take this division again – the Astros are falling off
a cliff, the Cubs are busy chasing their own tail, and the Reds and Pirates are
comical. The Brewers are going to be a lock in this division by 2007, and no
one has anyone to blame but themselves.
ED: Over/Under on the number of times
sportscasters sport the O-face about the Cardinals scrap: 300,000.
BB: I’m not gonna do another Craigslist ad
for that
HOUSTON ASTROS
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BB: Want to know how the Astros are going to do this year? Look at who they lost.
Look at who they replaced them with. Then, factor in that the Astros have one of the oldest cores in baseball. THEN,
factor in that they have, as discussed at length this offseason,
one of the weakest farm systems in baseball.
BB: Ed listed David
Everett as the Astros’ starting SS in the first draft
of this document. Now – I know lots of Everett’s. I do not know any David
Everett’s.
PR: Oh yeah… who could he
be talking about? Carl Everett? No, too crazy. Chris Everett? No too hot. Jim
Everett? No too feminine. Rupert Everett? No, not heterosexual enough. Everett Bankston? No, too dead ballish. Everett Boe?
No, too Federal League. Everett
Fagan? No, too Philadelphia A’sy. Everett Mills? No, too managerial. Everett
Stull? No, too random. C. Everett Koop? No, too surgeon generally. I
guess it must be Adam Everett.
ED: Reason #3 that I haven’t been replaced by the
Korean cartoonist yet.
BB: Reasons #1 and 2 – me
and Rippa are too lazy to go get American currency changed into Korean. It is
ok Ed. You are safe here.
ED: Wait!
When has there ever been money involved?
Are you guys holding out on me?
ED: The biggest stories about the Astros as they head into the 2005 season is the losses of OF’s Carlos Beltran and Lance Berkman. The ‘Stros decided
not to pony up the money to keep Beltran in place and, while that was
understandable, the decision to possibly move the rotting corpse of Craig Biggio back into center was…questionable. Losing Berkman for
the outset of the season with a knee injury will finally give Jason Lane some
AB’s so that’s not all bad. But this is
clearly not a team to fear, that’s for certain.
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Houston Astros
2004-2005 Runs Created (using PECOTA Projections from Baseball Prospectus) |
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POS |
2004 Starter |
RC |
2005 Starter |
RC |
Comment |
Diff |
|
C |
Brad
Ausmus |
40 |
Brad Ausmus |
21 |
Very
possibly the worst regular in baseball. |
-19 |
|
1B |
Jeff
Bagwell |
98 |
Jeff Bagwell |
77 |
Has
been steadily decreasing for five years now. |
-21 |
|
2B |
Jeff
Kent |
99 |
Craig Biggio |
57 |
This
isn’t even including the reports out that have Biggio
looking “lost” at second base. Aww… |
-41 |
|
3B |
Morgan
Ensberg |
56 |
Morgan Ensberg |
50 |
Again
– there’s worries about his plate appearances. I’ll say he gets another 100 ABs as opposed to his PECOTA projection and call it
basically a wash. |
+3 |
|
SS |
Adam
Everett |
45 |
Adam Everett |
41 |
Both
project him not playing full-time – he simply hasn’t developed as a hitter.
If he had stuck in Boston, he could’ve been part of the Immaculate Glove
Explosion last year. |
-4 |
|
LF |
Craig
Biggio |
96 |
Jason Lane |
24 |
PECOTA
thinks he will get 181 ABs. If he gets 550, his
number would be around 73. |
-23 |
|
CF |
Carlos
Beltran |
119 |
Willy Taveras |
32 |
Don’t
even worry about the fielding dropoff. I’m being
nice. That’s in 341 AB; 550 AB’s would give him 52. |
-67 |
|
RF |
Lance
Berkman |
137 |
Lance Berkman |
102 |
102
is for a generous 500 AB estimate. I’ll stick with it. |
-35 |
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|
600 |
|
379 |
|
-207 |
BB: I don’t think there’s
a scenario you can concoct where the Astros aren’t
losing at least 75-100 runs offensively from what they produced last year.
Let’s go with the most likely scenario, using Projected Runs Created according
to their Prospectus projection:
BB: Even allowing for
what could potentially be a better bench and probable math errors on my part,
even allowing for some breakout potential from Burke and Ensberg,
you’re looking at a minimum dip of 150 runs. That’s somewhere in the order of 12-16
wins on batting alone. And it’s not like the defense is gonna
be any better with Biggio in center instead of
Beltran AND Berkman crippled.
ED: Presumably, the ‘Stros
are counting on being carried by pitching.
Oswalt and Clemens are mostly sure
things. Backe
looked decent in the playoffs and Carlos Hernandez rose from the grave to tease
the Astros all over again.
BB: I’m not so sure about
this. Clemens IS old enough to give Jayson Stark
fodder for enough embarrassingly useless columns alone. Brandon Backe…had three decent starts in the playoffs. And hadn’t pitched well in the minors before the season.
What’s to say he is more a playoff phenom than he is
Bob Wolcott? Hernandez, on the other hand, should be recovered enough from
surgery to twirl off 140 or so good innings this year.
PR: Well I think Clemens
has proven that he is a freak. And some people are still waiting for the bottom
to drop out on Randy Johnson.
ED: Then you have Andy Pettitte. I’ve never actually read the Bible, I will
admit. I know odd bits here and there
from my Methodist upbringing. But all
the Methodists ever really taught me was that there’s no way you can really go
to Hell – unless you own an Ozzy album. So maybe there’s something in there about
Jesus healing a spent elbow. It’s
probably somewhere in there right next to Duran Duran
being Satanic. I’d look these things up,
but I am lazy. Anyway, point is, unless
Jesus really does give a crap about sports – thereby proving all those athletes
right and ruining every joke ever told about that scenario – I’m not certain
that Andy Pettitte can do much of anything for the ‘Stros aside from keeping Roger Clemens from killing
someone. Even then, the odds are against
Lenny. But on the bright side, there are
plenty of bunnies in Texas to keep him amused.
There. Have we now beaten every
Andy Pettitte joke to death yet?
BB: I think the Astros might be better off acquiring Doug Glanville and
teaching Pettite some Dungeons and Dragons spells. +3
Abnormally Low BABIP! Bible or no bible, Pettite is
probably a decent bit to do well if his strikeout rate stays where it was
around the last couple of years.
PR: This is one step
closer to becoming a reality.
ED: And let’s say, hypothetically, that all the Astros starters are healthy and effective. How many innings are they going to have to
pull every night to keep the Houston pen from being exposed? Phil Garner’s
managerial job in the playoffs pretty much said everything you need to know
about the Astros pen – go with the starter until
their arm falls off then hope Brad Lidge can give you
3 innings. The addition of John Franco
was…just for our amusement, I assume.
And for that, we salute the Astros.
BB: I approve of all
attempts to amuse VP writers. In fact, I lay down the gauntlet to you right
now, general managers. If you promise to field a Derek Bell/Rickey
Henderson/Raul Mondesi outfield and lock them in a
room wired for audio, together, for an hour before and after the game, I will
fly to your town and take the game in.
|
Relievers with 90+ Innings and
11.0+ K/9 |
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|
Player |
Year |
K/9 |
IP |
Afterwards |
|
Brad Lidge |
2004 |
14.9 |
92 |
|
|
Rob Dibble |
1989 |
12.8 |
99 |
|
|
Rob Dibble |
1990 |
12.4 |
98 |
Dibble
maintained his strikeout rate with slightly less usage in ’91 and ’92, but
his arm was toast afterwards |
|
Tom Henke |
1987 |
12.3 |
94 |
|
|
Tom Henke |
1986 |
11.6 |
91 |
Henke’s
1989 missed the cutoff by 1 IP; his strikeout rate went down to about 9 K/9
but he remained highly successful |
|
Duane Ward |
1991 |
11 |
107 |
He
had several years right around this area but this
was the one year that fit the criteria. His arm went at the end of ’93 and he
was done |
|
Dick Radatz |
1963 |
11 |
132 |
Recently-deceased
Radatz had four years around this level (’63 was
year #2) but was never effective again. |
BB: Brad Lidge was pretty amazing last year. He struck out 14.9 guys
per 9 innings last year. That was essentially Eric Gagne with 10 extra innings
of being Eric Gagne last year, plus 12 playoff innings where he struck out
exactly 15 guys per 9. Amazing is the only way to describe it. Well – there are
others but I am lazy and tired. So for me, amazing is the only way. That being
said, Lidge took this long to arrive and did so as a
reliever because of his injury history in the minors. He
pitched 107 innings last year when you factor in the playoffs, and 84 the year
before. Strikeouts, even if they’re three pitch strikeouts, are more
strenuous than most groundball/flyball at bats. There
have been six seasons where a reliever struck out more than 11 guys per nine
innings over 90+ innings – they are listed on the right.
BB: Where does Lidge fit in? I’m not sure. His 2003 was not as effective
or as lengthy as his 2004. Considering his injury history and the likelihood of
him taking on a large amount of work in the Astros
‘pen, I’d say that he should be fine in 2005 but I could see him pitching 40
innings over the rest of his career after that. Would make astoundingly
wonderful trade bait after this season if still healthy – the Astros would benefit far too much from a Jeff Bagwell, Jeff
Bagwell’s contract and Lidge to the Yankees for Eric
Duncan, Jorge Posada, and Steve Karsay trade for it
to actually happen. Oh well.
ED: Offensively, this was a team mostly carried
by Beltran and Berkman down the stretch. Jeff Bagwell assumedly found his hitting
stroke in his ex-wife’s cleavage down the stretch, but he’s a-looking more and
more like toast and his ex put her cleavage up for sale anyway so….things don’t
seem to wonderful there. But at least
Bagwell isn’t as much like toast as his buddy Craig Biggio,
though. And now the ‘Stros
are talking about moving Li’l B to 2B. I’ve seen Biggio
play second and…I imagine the Baseball Tonight guys, as they’re watching the
games at the ESPN studio, getting John Kruk liquored
up and forcing him to table dance. Not
that anyone would really want to see John Kruk table
dance. It’s just like abusing a dumb
animal, really. Harold Reynolds probably
gets bored once Griffey goes down with another injury
and thinks; let’s get the Kruker to shake that
thing. They probably have twenties
they’ve made up with the Peter Gammons’ face that they can pass off as real
cash. And you know they’re shoving the
twenties in the Kruker’s g-string as Gammons’ cover
of “Oh, Carol” plays. With the sweat and
Crisco glistening off of Kruk’s man-fur and the
threat of heart attack high, you know Karl Ravech
yells out, “My god! Is that a Hostess
truck that just overturned in front of the studio,” just to make Kruk pass out with too much joy. Anyway, if the thought of being the guy who
has to squeegee off the John Kruk grease spot from
the anchor desk of Baseball Tonight before the show starts seems ugly to you,
it’s only half as ugly as Biggio in the field these
days.
BB: Oh man – and then
when that grows old – and when will that ever grow old – you bring Neyer in and freak him out about what really happens at
Baseball Tonight while he clutches a Baseball Encyclopedia in his arms and tries
to hide on the floor while Brantley keeps trying to push him towards Kruk, telling him “If you wanna
be on the show, you gotta be a PART of the show”, and
Neyer’s sitting there thinking – “you know, I never
learned anything about this in Bill James’ basement in Kansas, I thought being
able to drink a few beers and drag carcasses to their beds and drive home
without hitting too many mailboxes was enough but no one ever told me about
this and I just want to go back and feel comfortable and safe in something
again” but Brantley knows that Neyer’s just trying to
hide and insists upon it – having himself been made to perform by Rob Dibble
and Tom Candiotti when HE showed up on BBTN. And so Neyer
will start walking over slowly and pray that his sponsor – Gammons, who knows Neyer and really cares about him unlike the rest of these
jerks – shows up and that he can get Neyer out of it,
but Gammons is on the SportsCenter set trying to get
his tongue down Martha Kramer’s throat talking about how great Pearl Jam is And that night, Rob Neyer
will have to stick his hand down John Kruk’s pants
and everyone will laugh and Neyer will too, a little,
inbetween tears, and everyone will think that he grew
up and became a man that night but really Neyer just
got imbued with a false sense of his own strength and bravery. And then Joe Sheehan’ll see Kruk & Neyer walking around a few weeks later and Sheehan will go
over to Rob and say hey but Kruk will give Neyer the eye and Rob will just walk on by. Because he is
Baseball Tonight and Sheehan is not. That’s just how things go.
ED: So basically, the ‘Stros
are screwed, is what I’m saying. The
rest of the regulars – aside from Lane and Berkman –
are good-glove guys with no good reason to take a bat to the plate. If the ‘Stros finish
third in this division it’s only because of their pitching and the general
ineptness of the rest of the division. P-U.
BB: But hey – at least
the Astros have Jeff Bagwell locked in for two more
years.
ED: Andy Pettitte
praises Jesus.
CHICAGO CUBS
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ED: Oh, this is…odd. So the Cubs lost Mr. Pee Hands to free agency
and found a sucker for Sammy Sosa and they plan on replacing them with…Todd Hollandsworth and Jeromy Burnitz? Oh yeah,
these are the Cubs, all right.
BB: Well – the Cubs are
definitely whiter now. There is no arguing that. It’s hard to get whiter than Jeromy Burnitz. And I would know.
PR: This makes me wonder
if all the offseason transactions where made while
Dusty was on holiday.
ED: Where would Dusty take a holiday? I’m guessing Ecuador.
BB: He is so going to one
of the places in the opening round of the CONCACAF qualifiers. St. Kitts and
Nevis. Turks and Caicos Islands.
Guyana. French Guyana. Montserrat.
ED: I assume the party line is something about
pitching and defense. But then you’ve
got Todd Walker and Nomar right there. So maybe the party line is something about
pitching and team chemistry. But then
you’ve got noted clubhouse cancer Nomar right there
too. So I assume that the party line is
something along the lines of these are the guys who
Dusty doesn’t hate…yet. Yeah, that’s a
fine way to organize your team. I mean,
sure, it’s better than how, say, the Orioles assemble a team but still…
ED: One can’t help but notice that the Cubs this
off-season got decidedly…umm…less able to handle the heat. And since the intense heat of
mid-to-late-September must’ve been what caused the Cubs to fold like Bill in
Party Poker with a pair of fours, one must wonder how much input Dusty had in
the construction of this team. And if
Dusty had no control over the roster construction yet he can get announcers
canned, what…aww…screw it. My head is hurting already.
BB: I think we need to
put a moratorium on PartyPoker jokes to avoid me
punching a hole in my monitor.
PR: I could see myself
playing the fours, catching another one on the flop and then losing to a flush
on the river. Ugh… memories.
ED: On the bright side for the Cubs, they do have
pitching – at least starters, anyway.
Prior and Wood came on at the end of last season to make up for their
early-season absences and to help out Carlos Zambrano
– who had carried the team all through the first half with Matt Clement. Having Wood, Prior and Zambrano
healthy makes the Cubs a force in this division. Sure, that doesn’t mean much, but someone has
to win the Special Olympics Gold.
BB: Sadly – the odds of Zambrano staying healthy are…well…they’re freaking awful.
Wood and Prior spent a good amount of last year on the lam, though, so they
should be pretty healthy for this season. It’s sad that you have to analyze the
Cubs rotation through Saberhagen lenses.
ED: The bullpen, on the other
hand – and, let’s face it, Dusty’s mishandling
of the pen – was the cause of the Cubs 2004 late-season flop. (One might make a joke here about LaTroy Hawkins’ inability to handle the heat, but not
me. Nope.) There are, and were, plenty of decent arms in
the pen. Shoot, there are plenty of
decent arms all over the Cubs organization.
Someone showing Dusty how to utilize the best possible scenarios with
his arms would be most beneficial – but why start now, I guess. The Cubs are talking about a bullpen by
committee – which is funny on too many levels – with possibly Ryan Dempster getting the bulk of the early save
opportunities. General Ackbar clears his throat.
BB: The Cubs like doing
things that other teams do. Turn your failed starting pitcher into a closer!
That’s a good idea! Sign a guy who just had Tommy John surgery, let him
recuperate for a while, and then you get his fresh new healthy season? Genius!
COMBINE THE TWO???? Now THAT’S pretty baseball groupthink.
PR: It also saves roster
space for their random utility infielder of the moment. The leading candidate
for this year would have to be Enrique Wilson after he gets let go by the
Orioles at some point. I mean someone in the NL has to have PEDRO KILLA~! now.
ED: I’m thinking Enrique has Washington National
written all over him.
BB: I’m not sure what the
Cubs are really gonna do about their closer. I mean –
I know they aren’t, either, but I at least like to think like I can see what
the best option is. Joe Borowski was good but he is
hurt too much. That is fine. Having your very own Matt Mantei
is fun. LaTroy Hawkins is good but cursed as a closer
because Dusty has scapegoated him on the pitching
side of the ledger. No biggie. He’ll be valuable in middle relief. The Cubs figured
they would give Ryan Dempster the job until they
realized Ryan Dempster hadn’t been very valuable
since his post-World Series Leyland scragging…years
before his Tommy John surgery. Chad Fox…is even more Mantei-esque
than Borowski. I’m going to chalk up the Kerry Wood
talk to a drunk beat writer. Iowa made it to the
International League finals last year with Mike Wuertz
as their closer. Wuertz had 59 strikeouts and 15
walks in 45 innings – decent if not great numbers. He struck out a man an
inning in the majors but he walked too many guys. He just moved into relief
last year so he could develop further this year. Do you feel like I’m talking
you into it? That’s because I’m trying to. There’s no better idea.
ED: Or you could just run it like I end up doing
my fantasy teams and punting saves completely.
BB: You do that on
purpose?!?
ED: Uhh…Yeah?…YEAH! That’s what
I’m claiming. Lemme alone.
BB: What would I do if I
was them? This is gonna hurt, but I’m going to say it
anyway. I’d deal Todd Walker to the Yankees for one of their relievers –
hopefully Steve Karsay, probably Felix Rodriguez.
Have Jerry Hairston play second everyday, or everyday
until he gets hurt. Grab one of the eight trillion outfielders who can hit –
you have one in your farm system, Jim Hendry, his name is Jason Dubois and he
hit .314/.388/.629 in the PCL last year – and let him play when Hollandsworth is crippled. Or – if you want to be sorta intelligent (I know this won’t fly in Tribune-land
but just be patient with my youth here), play Hollandsworth
(.832 OPS against righties, .675 against lefties over
the last three years) against righties and DuBois against lefties. I’m just trying to help.
ED: Offensively, the Cubs are a strange mix of
things: there’s some pop with Lee, Burnitz and
Ramirez, some speed with Patterson and Hairston, some semblance of on-base
ability with Walker, some contact guys in Nomar and
Barrett. It’s like a kid with ADD built
this line-up – anyone seen Darren Baker with a bottle of Ritalin? – which is neither good nor bad. It’s just…ya
know…different. And if you’re going to
compose a team for Dusty Baker, do you want to compose a team where he’d have
to be all John McGraw to get the most out of it? Honestly?
BB: The problem with the
Cubs is that they come from a place where they only seemingly get half the
information they need to successfully run a baseball team. They got the
Athletics memo about having a great core of starting pitching to build around –
they didn’t get the one about getting guys on base to score runs. They got the
memo that Dusty Baker is a good manager when it comes to getting the most out
of his veteran hitters – they didn’t get the one about him not being able to
manage youngsters OR being a useless tactician. They know that a closer is easy
to find, but they’re not sure who to pick as that closer. This is really like
the Beavis & Butthead video game. Jim Hendry has about half of the ticket –
but half of the ticket will not get you into the GWAR show, buddy. You need the
whole thing.
PR: Oh this team is so
run like the AI runs the Cubs in MVP Baseball. By mid-May everyone was on the
trading block, Maddox, Wood, Prior, Sosa (since I have the 04 version) and they
would accept almost any offer. “Hmmm… you wanna give
us Kevin Brown, Aaron Boone AND Kenny Lofton for Wood and Prior. Let me start
on the paperwork RIGHT NOW!”
ED: Number of times sportscaster geeks poop on
the Cubs for trading Sammy Sosa: 3
billion.
BB: Oh no – I think
“Number of times sportscaster geeks pimp the Cubs for not giving into the
demands of the greedy (Latino) player: 3 billion”
CINCINNATI REDS
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ED: Welcome to Ohio. We will suck the life out of you.
BB: Ohio: You were asking
for it by showing up here looking like that.
PR: Cincinnati: At least
you are not in Dayton!
ED: God, truer words were never written.
ED: There were some signs of excitement in the
area because the Reds actually shelled out some cash on a free agent
pitcher. Of course, the Reds signed a
questionable commodity for far too much money and will do everything in their
power to get rid of that contract by the time we elect a new governor here in
the Buckeye state. But hey, it’s a sign
that they’re trying. Or so I’m told. Which is pure B.S.
and only the saddest of rubes buy it. But
then, Ohio is the land of sad rubes.
PR: Can’t they just have
someone from Ohio State steal the contract papers? It just seems like such an
obvious solution to that problem and you are putting the talents of a state
University to good use.
ED: That would be University of Cincinnati,
Phil. The lesser – and
more local – corrupt state school in Ohio.
BB: Well god knows Andy Katzenmoyer isn’t doing anything nowadays. Pounce, Big Kat,
pounce!
ED: Hey!
He pumped my gas last week. Almost managed to clean my windshield too.
BB: There a lot of ways
you can debunk the Eric Milton signing as a terrible, terrible one. Most people
would point to his tateriffic ways in Philadelphia
and how he’s moving to a great park for home run hitting. Or
how he wasn’t all that good in Philadelphia to begin with if you looked at
anything but his Win-Loss record. Or how he’s not the
picture of health. Any of those reasons would be good enough for most
people. But I will offer you another one. Why is Eric Milton overvalued and not
worth signing and paying as a very good starting pitcher? Because
Cincinnati wanted him AND signed him. And if you can get sucked in by
the Reds, you’re not good enough for everyone else.
ED: Calling Eric Milton a Filipino whore may be a
bit harsh. A bit. Maybe. And yet…it’s not that far off the mark. The Reds needed someone remotely sexy to blow
money on to make them forget that theirs is a pathetic existence. Eric Milton wanted a payday from a dumb sugar
daddy, never mind if the sugar daddy will treat him right. There was plenty of talk about the Reds
needing to shell out too much money on a big free agent so they can get free
agents interested in the Reds in the future.
You know, be seen blowing too much of your little bit of money on a
tramp if only to show that you know how to treat a woman. Fine, no one’s heart is getting broken here
and a score is a score, right? But who
are the Reds really attracting? More Filipino whores.
And what is Eric Milton getting? A wad of cash on the dresser before he’s told to get out the door. Look, it’s one thing to blow money on a free
agent, it’s another to spend money wisely on someone – or even multiple
someone’s – who can help you. And it’s
one thing to get a big payday in your prime, it’s
another to position yourself properly so you can get another payday further on
down the road. If there was anything “Moneyball” should have taught us all, it’s that a “small
market” team doesn’t have to stop spending money, it has to spend money
properly. And if there’s anything Denny Neagle should have taught us, it’s that dealing with – or
even AS – a whore is not always a good idea.
Milton is fragile and an extreme fly ball pitcher who needs a really big
ballpark to look semi-valuable.
Cincinnati needs a veteran arm that can help Paul Wilson eat
innings. Does this look like a love
connection to you?
BB: I am a young fella. With that in mind – I am all for getting drunk and
ending up in the bed of someone you don’t really know so well. Sometimes you
are happy about it. Sometimes you are not. These things will happen. You live.
You learn. You looooose, you learn. That being said – who ever heard of a four year one night
stand? The Reds get to experience all the bad parts of a one night stand with
an ugly girl for four years straight.
PR: The fact that Bill
just subtly referenced an Alanis Morrisette
song is very sad. Of course, I recognized it but I have a vagina.
ED: I honestly didn’t recognize it until Phil
pointed it out. I don’t know if I should
be proud or scared that my memory keeps flying away.
BB: Alanis
Morrisette or Phil’s vagina?
ED: Yes.
ED: So let’s say, hypothetically, that you are
the Reds GM. Yeah-yeah. I know.
Let’s say, hypothetically, that you have a flesh eating bacteria on your
jimmy. It’s far more palatable idea to ponder,
I understand. Just play along. So you’re the Reds GM. Everything is pretty much a mess, but there
are some hope spots. You have some young
boppers in the OF; one of whom is fragile, one of whom is a horrible fielder, one
of whom is a pretty well unknown quantity at this point. You have a slap hitting 1B who had his career
year and is at his highest trade value, and a crippled CF with name value and a
huge contract keeping you from getting all three of the young ‘uns in the line-up.
What do you do? If your answer is
nothing, enjoy your sweet chili.
BB: In all fairness, they
did almost deal Griffey for Phil Nevin
last year. Then again…Phil Nevin would just block
Edwin Encarnacion AND Nevin
was stinky and hurt, too. There is no excuse for the Reds not dealing Sean
Casey to the Mets for anything – Aaron Heilman?
ED: Reading through the rotation list is like
flipping through a bum pack of baseball cards full of filler. At least in my day a pack of cards cost a
quarter. Shelling out 2-3 bucks for a
pack of this crud would make me want to burn down the Topps
factory. Then again, the Reds are
blowing several million on this collection o’ crap so…I guess the joke’s on
them.
BB: Ah – but these cards
are special, Ed. In every pack, one card might have scorched baseball on it,
taken direct from the GAB bleachers! Or, if you’re really lucky, you might get
a card with a real ligament taken from Ken Griffey!
BB: The Nationals REALLY
want Wily Mo Pena. I can not even begin to explain how much the Reds would make
themselves better by dealing Wily Mo Pena and Sean Casey for Nick Johnson, John
Patterson, and Zach Day. But it will never ever ever
happen. Because god knows the Reds will never achieve the lofty heights of…the
75 or so wins they’ve been averaging this decade. But he’s scrappy.
PR: I hate you. I will
say this though Wily Mo Pena always brings the funny. I just bought some
baseball cards from the last couple of years, cried at how expensive they are,
and then laughed when I read the back of Pena’s card.
“"Because of a
contract stipulation, Wily Mo was on the Reds roster throughout the 2003 season
and though he played little, learned a lot - often by evaluating pitchers.
"[Barry] Larkin talked to me a lot…and [batting coach] Ray Knight talked
to me." he says.
Wily Mo Pena - SOCIAL~!
ED: Yeah and getting tips from Ray Knight is
ALWAYS a good idea.
BB: “If you’re looking
for ladies, Wily Mo, don’t go to the club or the bar or singles night or eight
minute dating or outside the ballpark or on Myspace
or Craigslist. Find out where the LPGA is and you
will finally be satisfied.”
ED: Aww, and I thought I was setting up a joke about Gary Carter’s
wife.
ED: Even funnier is the all the local talk about
the Reds greatly improving their horrible bullpen by picking up…David Weathers,
Kent Mercker and Ben Weber. Really. I am not making this up. But at least that’s replaced all the Brandon Claussen Jesus-freak stories. But I’m not really certain which is worse now
that I think of it.
BB: The Reds’ pitching
2005: keeping it pasty. Did Ray King jilt them or something?
ED: Offensively, the Reds are not going to be
horrible. Probably. Sure, they need to find suckers for Casey and
Griffey but that’s not going to happen so you have to
hope for injuries – and with both, that’s pretty much a certainty. The rest of the lot puts the Reds about
middle of the pack in this division. It
will be enough to hold off the Pirates and fight with the Brewers for
fourth. And I suppose that’s
something. Certainly it’s all the fault
of the big market teams, and as long as you’ve got an excuse for your failures,
life isn’t so bad. Meh.
BB: The Reds could score
800 runs. They scored 750 last year which wasn’t a bad total. But they allowed 907.
Now – Arizona allowed 899 and Colorado allowed 923, but those are in hitters’
parks. Great American Ball Park played as a strong pitcher’s park last year,
somehow. Equalize it for park and (according to my horrible math), Cincinnati
would’ve allowed 940 runs, Colorado 850, and Arizona 866. So compared to that
crap – Eric Milton is better. Cincinnati will still give up 800 runs and their
upside is .500. But…Adam Dunn sure is pretty.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES
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ED: Speaking of a bum
pack of baseball cards…
BB: You know – you would
think there would be more roster turnover on these awful NL Central teams than
just two guys for each team. I guess it’s some sort of reaction to the
Bowden/Bonifay days.
PR: That is like the
worst team made up of guys I kinda like – Craig
Wilson, Ty Wiggington,
Jason Bay, Tike Redman, Oliver Perez…
BB: How did Tike Redman
find his way into your heart? That is questionable.
ED: Yeah.
That was an odd little addition to the list.
ED: Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I wish the
Pirates could make the playoffs somehow – I dunno, lotsa plane crashes or something, I haven’t thought through
how this could ever be possible, but somehow – so VP.com’s
favorite manager, Lloyd McClendon, could get the spotlight he so richly
deserves. Ideally, the Pirates get to
face the Cardinals in the NLCS where our hero Lloyd goes completely psycho on LaRussa over a full 7
game series. It doesn’t matter who wins
or loses, really. Just
as long as Lloyd can go psycho on LaRussa in prime
time.
BB: I will fly out for
that series, too. You gotta figure the planes that
are leftover would be pretty safe.
ED: The Pirates believe that they are going to
become a pitching rich organization soon.
It’s kinda like how I believed I would some
day be a millionaire and stuff. The
teachers always told me that it was good to dream. The teachers were fools. The Pirates are fools. The clock on Oliver Perez’ elbow
reconstruction is ticking; Kip Wells will merely be a league average pitcher
lucky to get a big pay day from like the Mets or something; Josh Fogg dreams of becoming Kip Wells. It’s better to shoot down your dreams and
hopes at an early stage so you can aptly adjust to the realities of life. I was a loser when I was 8, the same as I am
a loser now. I understand that at this
point, but it would have been much better to let me know that in the 3rd
grade than let me flail around later in life.
Of course, if you’re a Pirate, you really don’t need this sort of
adjustment since the stench of failure hits you just as soon as you sign that
contract. Never mind.
BB: Well, yeah. The
Pirates have all kinds of failed, waiting-to-fail, or injured pitching
prospects. Bobby Bradley – best curve in the minors…till his arm folded up
business. Now he’s 24 in AA. Bryan Bullington has already
lost miles off of his fastball, isn’t striking anyone out, and got dumped by
his Ball State girlfriend and is stuck with some Altoona floozy. Ian Snell is
5’11” (by 11, the Pirates mean you can wishcast that
to 5’(x), with (x) being any inch you think might be right. I’m gonna say he’s 5’4”) and could be good in the same way
that, say, you might want to have Josh Fogg around.
PR: Hmm… Josh Fogg. Yup, had a few failed fantasy starts for me. Same thing with Kip Wells. And the only reason I won’t stupidly
pick up Salomon Torres again because I know he isn’t a starter.
ED: And that just makes them all the more
Mets-worthy.
BB: Not to mention JOSE
MESA is the Pirates closer. Holy crap.
ED: Since no one in their right mind would be
reading this far into the NL Central preview, let me just set something
straight. In the 2004 preview, I threw
in a rant somewhere about how I hate ESPN.
In the middle of the rant I threw in a line about how horrible Hunter S.
Thompson’s stuff for ESPN was. Being as how Dr. Thompson met his untimely fate
recently, I’d like to offer up this: the following people do horrible work for
ESPN – Chris Berman, Stuart Scott, Rick Sutcliffe, Rob Neyer,
Peter Gammons, Harold Reynolds, Jeff Brantley, John Kruk,
anyone remotely related to that Cold Pizza turd, Stephen
A. Smith, anyone remotely related to that Mike & Mike Show turd, Joe Theismann, Michael
Irvin, anyone remotely related to that Tilt turd,
Dick Vitale, Bill Walton. All of above;
please do the honorable thing. Hint, hint.
BB: And Jason Whitlock. And Buster Olney. And Scoop Jackson.
God – we could make this entire list our preview.
BB: Your 2005 Pirates
OPERATION SHUTDOWN watch highlights two Pirate veterans. First, Benito
Santiago, who has fallen from the favor of the successful kids and got dumped
from one state of depression – Kansas City – to another. I know if I was 40,
relatively wealthy, and sane, I wouldn’t want to spend my summer in Pittsburgh
catching on balky knees for a 65-win team. On the other hand, we have Jose Mesa
– who has a big role on the team (proven veteran closer). He says he is 39 –
but his oldest son is 26. Mesa’s strikeout rate is ugly, even for an old man.
While he was always scary in the ninth, he is now
Pedro-coming-in-in-game-7-of-the-ALCS terrifying. In
addition, one of the best relievers in baseball last year, Mike Gonzalez (55
K/6 BB in 43 IP), is waiting in the wings. I am going to go with….Mesa.
PR: I am not all about
the Mike Gonzalez hype yet. Could be because he was stinky
for me in MVP after Pittsburgh abandoned him. And yes, much like Bill
and Madden, I am judging a lot of people based on their performances in EA
Sports titles. Like if Joel or Benji ever enter the
NFL draft – I am all over them.
BB: I like to think that
Derek Bell is still sitting on his houseboat somewhere, looking into a mirror
and convincing himself that he’s a handsome man. He fishes a little, reads the
Art of War, and waits for the phone to ring to end Operation Shutdown, now on
day 994 or so. After all – Derek Bell is a career .276 hitter (no walks and not
too much power – but that’s ok). Derek Bell is a World Series winner (’92 Blue
Jays – 1 playoff AB baby). Derek Bell is a proven veteran (he’s surly). Derek
Bell has an amazing, amazing agent ($9 million for 2 years from the Pirates –
they thought so highly of him as to give him the last $4 million just to go
away in 2002). Derek Bell combs his mustache and waits. Relive it with us - http://espn.go.com/mlb/news/2002/0318/1353807.html.
ED: When I was a depressed drunk in my late-teens
and early-20’s, I would often put on Lou Reed’s Berlin album to accentuate the
entire depressed mindset and stare into the void contemplating the uselessness
of my existence. Kids in Pittsburgh have
it lucky. They can skip freaking out to
“The Kids” and just watch Jose Mesa blow a save.
BB: As a depressed drunk
in his early 20’s, I am (relatively) happy to announce that you can do this
yourself in Boston merely by opening a newspaper to the sports section.
ED: How cheesed do you think Craig Wilson is now
that Anna Benson won’t be hanging around the locker room?
BB: How much do you think Jack Wilson is regretting THIS headshot? http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/stats?statsId=6693
PR: That is so not even
the worst head in the National League
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/profile?statsId=6721
ED: If Jose Mesa and Benito Santiago were to fall
in love and start a non-conventional family, would this be the greatest
marriage ever? Ideally, a Matt
Stairs-Jeremy Giambi marriage would rank really high
on my list too, but there’s no way a Santiago-Mesa marriage could be topped – except, of course, by a Bob Wickman-Antonio
Alfonseca union, but that’s a different story all
together. I am thinking that Mesa and
Santiago would have to somehow adopt older children – maybe like Rafael Furcal
or something – so they can have a nice little Veteran Presence family in the
suburbs of Pittsburgh. We would put the
family portrait on the site and everything.
This is called padding.
BB: Would the Wickman-Alfonseca marriage produce a child with six chins?
Me, personally, I want to see the Todd Jones-Bobby Estalella
relationship come together.
PR: I was more wondering
if Ed paired Wickman and Alfonseca
because Double As extra digits could replace all of Wickman’s
missing ligaments. Or some other reason.
ED: Hey, whatever works.
ED: Jack Wilson will be a multiple time All Star
thanks to the weak SS pool in the National League. My money’s on Wilson doing serious jail time
for tax evasion after he sells all his All Star trinkets later on in life to
support an Iron City habit.
BB: He’ll need a lot of
drugs to forget that headshot.
BB: Poor, poor little
Matt Lawton. From the Twins right as they got good to the Mets
right as they stopped to the Indians rebuilding to the Pirates…endless
mediocrity. At least Bob Higginson got to stay in one spot.
MILWAUKEE BREWERS
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BB: Ah, a Padres for
2005, a Lions for baseball. The Brewers.
ED: The fact that the Brewers made some absolute
steals in two straight off-season’s is probably a
record for them. Of course the fact that
they fleeced Joe Garagiola Jr., John Schuerholz and Kenny Williams probably tarnishes the record
some but…Hey! You take your victories
when you get ‘em.
BB: Fleecing Garagiola and Williams is just a GMing
Rite of Passage. You gotta do it.
ED: At some point in time this summer, a teenage
young fella in Milwaukee or the surrounding area will
take his girl to a Brewers-Reds or Brewers-Pirates game. One of those. Maybe on a Saturday night,
maybe a Friday. Doesn’t matter.
She’ll be impressed by his knowledge of Teddy Higuera’s
numerous shoulder surgeries. He’ll sneak
them some beer. Try to get her a little
tipsy. He’ll get all touchy-feely as Russell
Branyon K’s again. She’ll playfully resist. Junior Spivey will cripple himself once
again. She’ll be as nonplussed as anyone
should be when Junior Spivey gets crippled.
He’ll be sniffing around like a starved dog about the time Wes Helms
hits a meaningless homer in the 9th to get the Brewers back in striking
distance. She’ll smile at him all
giddy-like, caught up in the excitement of the possible come back only to be
deflated when Geoff Jenkins lines out to end the came. He’ll take her home, still trying to get at
her, thinking she owes him for taking her to the game. She’ll laugh at him the way a teenage girl
laughs at a stupid boy with dumb ideas. Like
a Brewers-Reds or Brewers-Pirates game is gonna get
him a piece. He goes home frustrated,
wishing he lived in a more upscale baseball place – like Minnesota. She’ll dream of becoming Mrs. Lyle Overbay. The
baseball gods are cruel. This too is
called padding.
BB: I’m shocked that Ben Gibbard hasn’t written this song yet. Shocked AND
disappointed.
PR: If
Bill can’t get laid after the World Series, John Jacobjingleheimerschmidt
ain’t getting no play.
ED: So the almighty question in Milwaukee is: can
the Brew Crew get out of the basement this year? (OK, so the REAL question should be, does
fifth place in the NL Central really matter?
But you know how cranky sports fans can be. Not us, of course, but others.) Well, the Pirates and Reds sure did a good
job helping them out – Kenny Williams too.
The short answer I would give is probably – there may be enough here to
leap over the Pirates. The long answer
is something along the lines of, “What’s the hurry?”
BB: Well yeah. I think
the Brewers, on the sheer headstrength of Sheets and
Davis alone, can get up ahead of the useless Pirates and maybe an injury-prone
Reds. There is a legitimate shot this team could be better than the Astros this year if things break right. But two years from
now…it won’t even be close.
PR: Aww…
“break right” Was that to imply that members of the ‘Stros are ancient and brittle?
ED: The Brewers are still exceptionally strong in
minor league talent, have no real horrible contracts – other than the bizarre Damian
Miller deal – and they clearly show that there is some sort of plan in place to
keep the team moving forward. Add to
that the fact that the vile Selig tentacles are finally
off the franchise and the future is pretty rosy – just not quite this
year. The Brewers are on the right
track, it’s just going to take a while. Patience li’l Brewer fans.
BB: Much like last year,
there is lots of juicy trade bait that the Brewers should be able to exploit in
July for the pitching prospects they need. Lyle Overbay
looks like a nifty Sean Casey clone and…well…the Brewers could probably turn
him into Nick Johnson and turn Nick Johnson into something from the Blue Jays
or Red Sox. Junior Spivey, if he’s healthy, is better than probably half the
majors’ options at second and his career year in 2002 isn’t that far gone. It’s
not very hard to imagine the Braves coveting Wes Helms and moving Chipper Jones
back to left field when the Jordan/Mondesi Experiment
fails miserably. There are lots of possibilities.
PR: I believe Bill is
trying to see how many times he can hypothesize Nick Johnson getting traded
before I snapped and punch him in the face or punch my monitor or punch myself in
the jimmy. And while the Braves do love bringing guys back into the fold, I
don’t see Wes Helms getting another chance.
PR: I will admit that I
actually want Danny Kolb to have an amazing year just because the Randy Johnson
– dead arm joke is very very stale.
BB: I don’t really care
how Jose Capellan turns out. The potential of him
succeeding and the results that would ensue are more valuable than Danny Kolb.
He was a pretty okay closer the last two years, but his strikeout rate (see the
Braves section) speaks volumes about his future performance. Capellan, at the very worst, looks like he will become a
good relief arm.
ED: The Violent Femmes are from Milwaukee. I remember being like 18-19 and really
digging that first Violent Femmes album.
We used to cruise around listening to that far too much. I still believe it’s the perfect Midwest,
teenage, strange-out album – and it was recorded when the Brewers actually had
a good team. I’m certain I couldn’t
listen to this now, being as how that time in my life seems like it belongs to
someone else. But I imagine there are
still a few Milwaukeeans who listen to that album thinking about Gorman Thomas’
gut and the Paul Molitor’s coke habit, wondering
where the time went. ADD IT UP! ADD IT UP!
This is also padding.
BB: And now I’m 20 and I
drive around with people and all anyone ever wants to listen to is bad early
80’s dance music and pimp LCD Soundsystem or some
other terrible garbage to me. And strangely enough – this part of my life seems
itself like it belongs to someone else. And I’ve never even been to Milwaukee.
BB: We are saying lots of
nice things about the Brewers but they really shouldn’t have given up their
first round pick to sign Damian Miller. I mean – signing Miller was a bad idea
as is, regardless of what wonderful local flavor he produces (does he sweat
bratwurst?). Miller will cease to be a useful player several million dollars
before his paycheck stops paying him like he was. It’s not bad like Jason Varitek-bad, but it’s not a good thing.
ED: If you were Ben Sheets, would you cruise
around Milwaukee wearing your gold medal?
I would. I’d also walk around the
locker room wearing the gold, demanding people call me Sir Ben. I figure being a complete prick would be my
only way of getting out of Milwaukee before my arm flames out. I suppose beyond that, my only hope would be
that Kenny Williams or the Orioles would overpay for me even after I was
spent.
BB: God, would I not want
to go play in Chicago or Baltimore. Wouldn’t it be better to just be Cal
Eldred? What? No? Oh. Um…can he play for the US again? Can you be retired from
club baseball?
BB: Ben Sheets was
amazing last year, but no one noticed, because he played for Milwaukee and had
bad luck. That’s not his fault. He struck out 264 batters and walked 32. That’s
an 8.25 K/BB ratio. The only 3 guys since 1900 who had that kind of ratio were
Pedro Martinez (1999, 8.46 K/BB), Curt Schilling (2001, 7.51 K/BB), and Greg
Maddux (1995, 7.87 K/BB). They won 23, 22, and 19 games. Sheets won 12. Hitters
hit .226/.255/.383 for a .638 OPS against him last year; that means everyone
hit roughly Scott Spiezio or Mike Matheny against him
last year. Think about that.
ED: The fact that Russell
Branyan and Wes Helms will share the 3B spot does
absolutely NOTHING to dispel my belief that they are the same person.
BB: If you combined them,
you’d have…wow, you’re right Ed. Wow.
ED: Number of times the
local media laments the loss of Scott Podsednik’s
scrap: 400,000.
BB: Don’t have to hear it
if I don’t try to. Not like they’ll ever be on national TV.
BB: The Brewers also have
the nifty 25th man experiment going with Brooks Kiesch…they
waived him? Aww…you jerks.
BB: The Brewers are going
to be a very exciting team in a few years. 2005 isn’t really that year, but
they have a lot to look forward to, especially offensively.
BB: This division’s done.
Next?