The Veteran Presence 2005 Mrs. Urbina Memorial MLB
Preview: NL East
PR: I am brimming with
questions. GIMMICK ALERT~!
ED: There are no answers. Only questions.
ATLANTA BRAVES
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Q: What the heck is going on with the
PR: Last year, I bemoaned
none of the core group of hayseed starting pitchers (Maddux/Glavine/Smoltz/Avery)
being in the starting rotation. Not this year, as Smoltz
is back as a starter, which is at least going to be great in the pure comedy
department. A Top 5 pitcher joins him in shoring up the front end of the
rotation. And they remain very pasty. Mike Hampton improved on his 2003 numbers
so I guess Leo Mazzone continues to prove his own
divinity. Of course, saying
ED: Well, John Thompson got tired of playing the
race card at every turn and since he had no coaching jo---OHH! The OTHER John Thompson.
Meh. I’m resigned to the fact that the Brave
pitchers will be OK-ish enough so I’ll have to hear
the endless Cox-Mazzone fluffery. They’re in a pitcher’s park now, people. This is a crappy hitting division in a crappy
hitting league. There’s no way they
won’t look decent.
BB: Mike Hampton’s getting to be very, very ugly. His peripherals
and trends are…well, his closest comp, Prospectus says, is Dave McNally. That’s
not a bad thing, right? Well, it is when it’s 1975 Dave McNally – the Expos
season. And Hampton was born in ’72 and just being linked to the Travis
Morrison album will earn him the scorn of hipsters everywhere. Poor heel turn. And really, there’s no depth beyond the five
starters, which is very much going to become a problem when John Smoltz and Horacio Ramirez miss
time during the season. They really need to grab a 6th starter at
the end of March and stick him in extended spring training until Smoltz goes down. Otherwise, someone’s coming up too early.
PR: Denny Neagle signing and winning 13 games for them would cause me
to slit my own throat.
BB: I am going to go
with…Alejandro Pena. Well – no. He was a reliever. Pena can take over the
closer’s role. I will go with…Steve Avery!
ED: And I will take Tommy Greene to block.
Q: Oh, Dusty is going to be real excited to face
that team in the summer months, isn’t he?
PR: Not so fast. The
Braves are hoping that Horacio Ramirez has the
breakout season that he was supposed to have last year. He started out hot,
with a 2.28 ERA and an OAVG of only .226 through the first two months of the
season (so he likes to give up the occasional home run and walk. He throws
really really hard. Yup.) and then he got tendonitis in his left shoulder that made
him miss basically the rest of the season. Did I mention that Ramirez is a
southpaw? Oooh… this is getting dicer and dicer. Right, right, right – Mazzone. Healing touch of God. Got it.
ED: So last year I read a news bit where Maddux
called Ramirez the next great Braves pitcher.
Hey, it’s Greg Maddux. He knows a
thing or two about pitching. I grab
Ramirez late in a couple of fantasy drafts.
I think I’m doing OK. Ramirez
throws OK for like a month. Goes down with injury.
Spends the rest of the season with Urbina’s
mom or something. I am not a
happy guy. Do I hold on to this
bitterness? Do I let the hate boil
within me until it consumes and destroys me?
Those were questions for you to answer.
I really need an answer. Please?
BB: I’m sorry Ed –
there’s no answer to that question that’s going to make you happy. I face many
of these issues in my life too. Why do I always order Chinese Food when I drink?
I don’t even like Chinese food. Why do I always get my hair cut too short when
I get my haircut? I don’t like my hair short. But these things invariably
happen. Likewise, Ed, hate will continue to boil inside you regardless of what
you do. The only thing you can do, really, is what Phil did – silence the
gnawing doubts in your stomach, bite the bullet, marry, and procreate. And hope
it turns out better for the next generation.
PR: Being married and
having kids is a great way to assure that you will get laid every three to four
years.
BB: Three to four
years…hmm…I think I can live with that.
ED: I’m not certain if that quiets the hate or
not.
Q: Wait a second, Smoltz
is now a starter and they traded some folks to get
PR: When in doubt, rely
on the kiddie porn peddler. I mean, yes, it’s not
like Bobby Cox really knows how to manage the bullpen in any sort of logical
way. The ’04 campaign seemed to be filled with a big batch of “How many outs
can Smoltzy get us? Crap. Only 8?
Are you sure? Hey, that six fingered fella can throw.
Put him in.” moments. That was last year. Both Antonio Alfonseca
and Juan Cruz were shipped out. This leaves Chris Reitsma (I think I heard Ed
cringe) to total 85+ appearances and your good pal and mine, Gabe White. I personally don’t think Cox is going to have
any qualms bringing in the lefty. Good times. Oh yeah. I never thought Danny
Kolb – closer would end up being a hot button issue.
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Closers Without Strikeouts |
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Player |
Year |
K/9 |
Years After |
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Dan Quisenberry |
1980 |
2.59 |
(see below) |
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Dan Quisenberry |
1984 |
2.85 |
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Dan Quisenberry |
1982 |
3.03 |
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Dan Quisenberry |
1983 |
3.11 |
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Danny Kolb |
2004 |
3.31 |
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Dan Quisenberry |
1985 |
3.77 |
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Wayne Granger |
1970 |
4.02 |
Lost his closer’s job the next year. Became
league-average reliever, was out of league within five years. |
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Bob
Stanley |
1983 |
4.03 |
Strikeouts rose year after but wasn’t full-time
closer again. |
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Greg
Minton |
1982 |
4.24 |
Strikeout rate declined; added two runs to ’83
ERA, was mediocre for four years before becoming good setup man. |
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Ron Perranoski |
1970 |
4.46 |
Bombed out in ’71 (6.75 ERA in 43 IP), lost job,
traded, retired in ‘73 |
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Ron Perranoski |
1969 |
4.65 |
See above |
ED: Hey, I like Chris Reitsma. This is an ideal role for him. Well, at least Bob Boone isn’t sending him
down to…wherever the Reds send their minor leaguers. And if the Braves win the World Series – yeah,
that made me laugh too – do you think Bobby Cox lets his grandchildren come to
the party with Gabe White there? Ahh, the Gabe White jokes are always fun. Danny Kolb: Closer…umm…a sinker baller backed by Furcal and Gilescito? Mmm, toasty.
BB: I like Chris Reitsma
– especially for fantasy purposes. I’m going to reproduce this chart that I
brought up in the offseason just to point out how
unlikely Danny Kolb’s present and future is. Danny Kolb struck out 3.3 guys per
9 innings last year. He also had 39 saves. Here’s the
10 guys with the lowest strikeout rates who recorded 30 or more saves, and how
they did in the years after.
BB: So basically,
everyone who wasn’t Dan Quisenberry lost
effectiveness, lost their closer’s job, and fell back to Earth. What did Quisenberry do that the others didn’t? Quisenberry,
as you may remember, didn’t walk ANYONE. From ’80 to ’85, Quisenberry
walked 93 guys in 724 2/3 innings. That’s 1.15 walks per nine. Danny
Kolb, over the last two years, has walked 3.1 guys per nine. That is why Danny
Kolb is more Wayne Granger or Ron Perranoski than he
is Quisenberrian, and is why he will fail, Mazzone or no Mazzone. Who do I
think will succeed in his place? I am nominating Reitsma.
ED: I predict Mark Wohlers
will...Oh. Right.
Q: Jesus hates the Braves now, doesn’t he?
PR: Personally, I am
leaning on the side of yes. I mean, they let God boy walk to do his mission in
LA and by doing so their outfield got noticeable worse. We love us some Raul Mondesi for his craziness but we all breathed a little
easier when our teams weren’t the ones that signed him to the dotted line. I
mean this isn’t 1997. Raul isn’t going to be approaching a plus .900 OPS unless
he plays three games and then has to deal with “personal issues” again. And those
30/30 days are distant memories. Heck, he really doesn’t even have the ARM~! to fall back on. Brian Jordan is back you say? Maybe in the
Falcons secondary this would work. (And don’t think I am not fantasizing about Mondesi going down and John Schuerholz
signing Deion Sanders. TWO SPORTS! THE BEST SECONDARY
IN BASEBALL! BACK IN
ED: No way Schuerholtz
signs Deion before Jim Bowden. No friggin’
way. And that’s a whole lotta VETERAN PRESENCE there. Hoooo boy.
BB: I don’t know what Rippa’s thinking. Julio Franco has the power of Jesus
Christ on his side. That’s gotta be worth something.
And for the Braves, selling dozens of playoff tickets would be an improvement
on some of the crowds they’ve drawn. And on the heels of the Roy Tarpley comeback rumors, Otis Nixon can only be so far away.
I mean, literally – he’s not allowed to leave Georgia, right?
ED: Feh.
If we’re gonna go for a God Boy, why we gotta pass on Dale Murphy?
Q: Aww… maybe Jesus
really hates Adam LaRoche instead?
PR: I don’t think there
is hate. I just think the entire infield was made very brittle. I am going to
guess that LaRoche is 100% this year. He still won’t
drink his Jesus Juice nor will he learn the La Lob so he is condemned to trying
to get 400+ At-Bats. I am going to also guess that Marcus Giles is 100% this
year and can return close to his 2003 form after he decided he needed to
emulate Rafael Furcal. (Separated Shoulder in 2nd Full Season) This
way he will be the only one booting the ball around the infield. Poor little Nick Green. Rafael Furcal is not on my fantasy
team so figure he will be healthy again. And it is a contract year. Chipper
Jones is back full time at 3B. He could make cameos in the outfield again since
who knows when the baseball Gods will realize that
ED: Jesus hates LaRouche? Well, his pappy is supposedly a quasi-commie
whack-job so I can’t imagine he’d be too worried about it. Then again, I didn’t even know Lyndon LaRouche had a son in the bigs. Now Dave LaRoche’s
boy, Adam, that’s pro’lly a different story
altogether. Jesus loved the LaLob.
BB: Big Daddy LaRoche taught Zach Greinke LaLob on his way through the KC system; unfortunately, the
Braves don’t play Kansas City this season. Figure sometime in 2007 LaRoche will get struck out and remember what it was like
to grow up and get struck out in his backyard and go all Willard Hershberger in
his hotel room. And then maybe Chipper will plant some leaves in the room and
the police can blame the death on LaRoche’s pot habit
and we can sit through some Congressional hearings on that, too.
BB: Oh and speaking of
quasi-commie whack-jobs you haven’t lived till you’ve sat through (actually –
stood through at a indie rock show) Spaceman Bill Lee
protecting his gimmick by exposing Dock Ellis as never trying LSD. I’m not sure
how he will bury LaLob, though.
ED: God, can Craig
Nettles kick Bill Lee’s ass again?
Please?
BB: God, would you just
kick Bill Lee’s ass?
Q: Bill Barnwell – Seer of the Future?
PR: In last year’s
preview, Bill wrote “Estrada is going to hit .290/.330/.440 this year, get a
big 3 year deal from the Braves, and suck for the next 3 years. Ah, peak years”
Well, Estrada hit .314/.378/.450, so he far exceeded Bill’s expectations. Heck,
Javy Lopez in 2003 hit .328/.378/.687. So the Braves
definitely made the right decision for one year. (I mean, the loss of 35 HRs from catcher got them the same exact result. No World
Series. Aww…) And, they
didn’t shell out ridiculous money to Estrada yet. Honestly, I am thinking this
is the year Estrada will hit .290/.320/.400 and get the big money deal.
ED: You just wrote that to make the Phillie fans curse you, didn’t
you? C’mon, the Phillies
section was next.
BB: You know, no one ever
mentions when I’m right. And I know I was right about one thing in last year’s
preview – I just don’t remember what it was. So Estrada had a very good year.
Anyone want to bet on him hitting closer to .378/.450 than to .330/.440? That’s
what I thought. Grrrr.
PR: For the record,
Bill’s JDGP formula thingy seemed to work… if you manipulated the numbers
enough.
BB: This year, cut back
on the projections, huge rise in the penis jokes.
ED: At once I regret warping Bill and yet, there
is pride in keeping him from posting on Baseball Primer with some lame username
of a Red Sock of the past. Six one, half
dozen the other, I guess.
Q: How will the schedule affect the Braves quest
for another NL East crown?
PR: Well, the wonderful
unbalanced schedule doesn’t really really screw over
ED: And I will have to hear all the crap about
the Braves having 8,000 straight division championships – from people using
that strange Atlanta math that discounts strike years – and I will want to
shoot a whole lot of empty-headed TV goobers but swallow it down when I realize
that not even the Atlanta fans care. Yay!
BB: That’s the thing. No
one ever scared a dial tone by screaming at it. Braves fans will give all kinds
of excuses as to why they don’t show up but none of them work. Traffic sucks?
Get out early. Carpool. Crappy neighborhood? It’s
Atlanta. You chose to live there. Suck it up.
Q: Why would you possibly bet against the Braves
winning the division?
BB: You don’t like money?
You are one of the guys who catches his flush against
me with AK after a big pre-flop raise on PartyPoker?
“hey i caught my flush! very excited to hit my flush flush
flush”
PHILADELPHIA
PHILLIES
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Q: Charlie Manuel? Really?
PR: I am guessing that at
least Phillies fans would agree that at least it
wasn’t Bob Boone. The Manuel selection though makes for some fine giggling. The
laundry lists of guys who would have been better suit for the position is
fairly spectacular (at least in my mind): Pat Corrales, Danny Ozark, Mike
Schmidt, Joe Morgan (the black one), Eddie Sawyer, Steve Carlton, Gene Mauch, Tom Kelly, Roger Craig, Greg Luzinski,
Don Zimmer, Joe Morgan (the white one), Sparky Anderson, Von Hayes, Butch
Hobson, Cito Gaston, Miller Huggins, John Wathan, Alvin Dark, George Stallings, Cookie Rojas. Oh yeah
– thinking this up is much better than actually watching any of their games.
ED: I’d go with Richie
Allen just for the hilarity of the press interaction. But I like car wrecks.
BB: Well yeah. I guess it
was better than Hal McRae.
Q: Whose House?
PR: Run’s House!
Q: WHOSE HOUSE?
PR: RUN’s
HOUSE!!!
Q: What the hell was that?
PR: You started it
ED: Aww, you just made
Bill feel so incredibly young.
BB: Not to mention made Run
DMC feel incredibly unhip.
Q: Anyway, is Placido Polanco really going to earn up to $5.1 million?
PR: I loved this. First
of all, the Phillies drunkenly offer Polanco arbitration. He accepts and then the two sides
agree to a $4.6 million deal (with incentives possibly pushing it up to 5.1).
Philly tells PP that he isn’t the starter. That is going to Chase Utley (who is
far better than Placido could ever dream about). So
they just signed a backup for 4.6 million AND camp didn’t even start before PP
started belly-aching about not being the starter. Of course, him
not ending up a Yankee is part of the reason I love this.
ED: At least with that contract, we won’t have an
entire summer of Peter Meltingface telling us a Polanco trade to
BB: Well – every saber-luv site told us that Polanco was
going to be in demand, and considering they’re a closer line to those front
offices than the mainstream media, I was inclined to believe them. I’m not sure
what happened – maybe Plaxico Burress’
agent also handled Placido’s (the names are close
enough) case and priced everyone out of their range, or Polanco
wants to have a career year and be the best player in the 2005 market
(competing with…this is the good stuff…Johnny Damon), but…he didn’t get that
multi-year deal everyone swore he would. So, basically, the Phillies
have the most expensive utility infielder in baseball. Of course, the real
solution would be to flip David Bell’s contract somewhere and slot Polanco in at third. The Orioles are screaming out for that
move (it’s not like Melvin Mora is exactly a defensive stalwart or anything).
PR: David Bell is
certainly pale enough to play for the Royals.
BB: Yes – and with the
recent decrease in the supply of Batista’s – pastiness has become an even more
valuable attribute for the prospective Royal.
ED: Well, pastiness has always = gold in the
Q: The Phillies aren’t
scoring 840 runs again, are they?
PR: Not unless Jim Thome and Bobby Abreu are
planning on generating 420 runs each. Guess what folks? Abreu
is good. Real good. But his name isn’t Carlos Beltran
and Gammons and Stark and the ESPN gang don’t pimp him so you don’t know this.
The Astros must still be cursing the Devil Rays’
name. Anyway, Jim Thome is still giant headed and
will hit the ball really far and will whiff a ton. One would assume that Pat
Burrell won’t have the miserable start he did last year… that is unless Ed has
him on his fantasy team again. The flip side of that coin is that one would
assume that there is no way David Bell is staying healthy for another season
and he is going to hit at the level he did last year. Jimmy Rollins is speedy
and fills another field position that thankfully prevents Polanco
from playing. HEY! Kenny Lofton is around to be the disgruntled veteran
presence. Mind you, I say all this and Bill will find the projections that I am
too lazy to look for that say that Philly is supposed to score something like
880 runs this year. Then I will curse Prospectus’ name.
ED: For one brief shining moment, the Phillies had a prayer.
The Braves were vulnerable, but Ed Wade made a ton of bad decisions –
not the least of which being that he hired Larry Bowa
as his manager – and then they turned back into the Phillies. No point belaboring it. At least Wade didn’t double the trouble by
hiring Bob Boone I guess.
BB: Prospectus says 822
(sorry) but I am inclined to agree with you Rippa; mainly for a very
untraditional lineup that has their fourth, fifth, and sixth best hitters on
the bench with #8 toiling in AAA. Ryan Howard can’t play a position that isn’t
first and he isn’t going to supplant Jim Thome. He
did slug somewhere around .630 in the minors last year, though, and if there’s
anyone who he reminds me of – it’s David Ortiz. A lotta
teams could find a spot for that guy in their lineup. Like the team about 100
miles North that just traded for a ball holder.
Q. Did everyone get off of the Marlon Byrd
bandwagon OK?
BB: It certainly looks
like it. Larry Bowa lost his job but he actually got
off the bandwagon sometime in May, in the earlier parts of the purge, so I
believe he only suffered a sprained ankle. He rubbed some dirt into it and was
apparently fine. Seriously, he had a bad year. It happens. Especially with a
manager whose way of dealing with struggling is to…well, rub some dirt into
you. Byrd is not only a much better option than Kenny Lofton, he could very
well be the second best centerfielder in the division after Beltran. Yes – I am
calling you out, Andruw Jones. Pick up your punk card
at coat check. Or however that’s supposed to work. I’m not sure.
PR: Yeah, I am not
certain what happened there. Perhaps it was everyone falling all over
themselves to hop on the Jason Bay bandwagon. GREAT WHITE HOPE!
BB: Tony Gwynn: “Despite somewhat long swings, Jason Bay and Bobby Crosby are deserving winners of the 2004 rookie-of-the-year awards.” Well thanks for making that allowance, Tony.
ED: You know what will get Tony Gwynn’s approval? A whole lotta junk in the trunk.
Q: Did they have to get Jayson
Stark’s permission before letting Doug Glanville go?
PR: Oh, I see. That was
more of a rhetorical question.
BB: Now that the Yankees
waived Glanville they can pick him right back up.
ED: You know the thought has crossed their minds
already.
BB: What’s the real
explanation for this? Is Ed Wade secretly a huge World of Warcraft
nerd? Does Dallas Green demand the inside scoop on what will be the wacky stat
in the next Jayson Stark article?
Q: Not so fired up about the
PR: God, I loathe the
city of
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The Phillies
and the Arms Dallas Green Nibbled Upon |
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Pitcher |
Breakout |
2004 |
Now? |
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Gavin
Floyd |
2003, A-ball, age 20 |
Nice year at AA, held his own in Philly |
The next big hope for the Phillies
farm system. Having Bowa out helps. |
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Cole Hamels |
2003, rookie ball, 19, 0.74 ERA |
16 IP, A-ball, 1.12 ERA. Arm ouchies.
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Broke his hand in a bar fight. Out for months.
Oddly enough would’ve been thought of in higher regard within the
organization if Bowa was still around. Fighting is
scrappy. |
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Ryan Madson |
2002, AA, solid peripherals, age 22 |
One of the best relievers in baseball – 2.34
ERA, 77 IP, nice peripherals |
Really a starter pushed to the pen, but was the Phillies’ best pitcher last year. Will probably be stuck
in relief for career as a result. |
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Brett
Myers |
2002, solid AA stats, decent in majors, age 22 |
Strikeouts down, walk rate stagnant, 5.52 ERA |
Still just 24 but is far off of the Ace track he
used to be on. Prospectus compares him to 1992 Charles Nagy – when Nagy took
a huge step up and became the Indians ace. Ah, for when it was actually a
good thing to be Charles Nagy. |
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Bud
Smith |
2002, age 22, no-hitter |
14 innings in A-ball, two labrum surgeries later |
At least he had that no-hitter. Not the Phillies fault, but they DID ask for him in the Rolen trade. |
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Randy
Wolf |
2000, age 24, good peripherals in majors |
Struggled through 137 innings of league-average
pitching |
Wants to kick Larry Bowa’s
ass. We really need to do a feature on pitchers who want to destroy their
managers and why. I can’t wait to deny Bill Pulsipher
his Prozac for a month and stick him in a room with Dallas Green. |
ED: Charlie was a mixed bag as far as handling
arms goes. Most of the damage was
already done by Grover before Manuel got there.
He rode Bartolo Colon and CC Sabathia pretty hard in 2000 and 2001, but was pretty
cautious with everyone else. Of course,
everyone else was pretty well wrecked before Manuel got there so…who
knows. I’m a-guessing Jon Lieber’s gonna go over 200
innings this year – for good and for bad – same with Cory Lidle. I can’t imagine Randy Wolf has that much in
him to pull down that many innings after a couple of years of Bowa. The
rest…well…do they really matter? The Phillies will finish above the Nats
and fight the Mets for 3rd. Whee.
BB: I dunno
why Rippa hates Jon Lieber for. Not like he pitched
game 7 or anything – he was solid and certainly holding onto him at this price
was a much better deal than the Wright or Pavano
signings.
PR: I don’t hate Lieber. He clearly helped the Yanks through some tough
stretches last year. I would have preferred him to the choices that Bill
mentioned. (Even at stupid Kris Benson money since they ended up giving that
deal to Jared Wright.) My bigger beef was with the sudden hating on
BB: Basically, the Phillies’ young pitching hasn’t stepped up like they were
supposed to under Joe Kerrigan and the rest of the Phillies’
development staff. Like Dallas Green.
BB: The Phillies need 420 innings out of Wolf and Myers pitching
with an ERA under 4.00 to have a shot at winning the division. Prospectus gives
that about a 20% chance of happening. So there you go.
FLORIDA MARLINS
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Q: You know what the Marlins team motto is, right?
PR: Oh Lord, I am afraid
to ask. What?
A: YOU CAN’T TEACH SPEED!!!!
PR: Yes folks, there are
those who still believe that the Marlins 2003 title was due to the DISRUPTIVE
SPEED~! of Juan Pierre. No, no, ignore that Josh
Beckett and Brad Penny pitched about 19 levels over their heads and that Jeff
Weaver was actually allowed to pitch. DISRUPTIVE SPEED~! wins
championships. Juan Pierre needs to be the poster child for all of MLB. I mean
not everyone can run sub 4.3 40s. (I know Ron Dixon can’t. Grr…)
Heck, Dave Roberts DISRUPTIVE SPEED~! won the Red Sox
the World Series. So what do I know? Ya know, maybe
if the US Military should employ Pierre and Roberts. I am sure their DISRUPTIVE
SPEED~! would have found Bin Laden by now.
ED: What’s Plaxico Burress’ 40 time? Aww, I am setting
myself up for pain.
BB: That’s just mean.
Just remember, people. The Marlins had 2 stolen bases and 0 triples in the
World Series; the Yankees had…2 stolen bases and 1 triple. Of course, I don’t
even remember that World Series even happening. That wasn’t a fun time.
PR: Everything past Game
4 has been forgotten. Of course, I need to get rid of those Game 4 memories
too.
Q: So the Marlins have a Top 5 pitching staff now,
right?
PR: Well, Top 5 in the
division that is for sure. Josh Beckett didn’t have his preordained
Coming-of-Age season due to injury. So yet another season “Beckett is going to
be amazing…. If healthy” stories. Beckett needs to
wear rubber gloves or start peeing on his hands, anything to solve the blister
problems. I love AJ Burnett and this is After TJ – Year 2 (that is Tommy John
surgery) so yes, I will draft him ridiculously early and cry when he sucks. I
am happy that Al Leiter is with a team that can
contend. Heck, at one year, he would have been a much better option for the
Yanks. Still, he isn’t getting any younger and one of these years, he is going
to snap and start hurling balls at pressboxes all
over the country thinking everyone is McCarver and
Buck. Then there is Dontrelle Willis who I am
convinced is bound to be a LOOGY at some point in his career. As for now, he
makes perfectly acceptable backend of the rotation guy. Ismael Valdez is there
to… umm… not make Al Leiter feel so old.
ED: Josh Beckett’s best career move – other than
being a World Series hero, which will make him a ton of scratch come FA time –
is to have that sissy skin on his hands.
At least the blisters keep him from ravages of Jack McKeon. A.J. Burnett, on the other hand, goes from
getting Torborged out of a chance to pitch in a World
Series to coming back to Sleeper Jack’s mishandling. Don’t cry for Burnett though, the O’s and the
White Sox would still pay too much for his services even after he’s wrecked again. And Willis should already have Dr. Andrew on
speed dial. The
geezers? They can nap with
Sleeper Jack in the middle innings.
BB: I know everyone
thinks Jack McKeon is a genius because he’s too old to get up and make eight
pitching changes an inning and he stuck Josh Beckett out there on three days
rest but I know he’s not. I know really Jack McKeon is less Whitey Herzog than
he is…Gene Ray. Come on, you can’t see it?
BASEBALL IS PLAYED WITHIN THE FOUR BASES OF THE DIAMOND.
EACH OF THE BASES CONSISTS OF ITS OWN RULES AND LAWS BUT YET ARE EQUIDISTANT
AND MUST ALL BE CROSSED. YET STUPID MANAGERS TEACH PLAYERS OF EVERYTHING
BESIDES THE FOUR BASES. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TEACH THIS BECAUSE OF THE IDIOT
GENERAL MANAGERS AND OWNERS. SINCE NO ONE CAN PROVE MY BASES THEORY INCORRECT,
I OFFER $10,000 TO THE FIRST PERSON THAT DOES.
BB: OK, the Time Cube
analogy is really more Mike Marshall than Jack McKeon, but where am I going to
have the chance to talk about Mike Marshall in this thing?
PR: And Bill yet again
makes me feel stupid.
Q: Valdes? Valdez? What?
BB: Ismael Valdez
suddenly insists that his last name is spelled Valdez, not Valdes. Likewise, I
am changing my first name to Bil!.
Yes - like the heroine of the Paula Danzinger
children’s book “Earth to Matthew”.
ED: Until Valdez/s changes his first name to
Exxon, he’s just going the false advertising route to me.
Q: What the heck does Mike Lowell have to do to
get a little respect?
PR: Did he pitch when he
was all bloody? No. Did he post any messages on Orphans of Orestes Destrade? No. Did he start any online petitions? No. Did
Sarah Rue make him look silly in Hold’em? No. So you
tell me, why should I care about Mike Lowell? (God, I hate myself.) Every year,
you hear the rumors that
ED: You know what Mike Lowell’s missing? A testicle. Sure, the singular testicle route worked well
for John Kruk, but that gimmick’s been done. Now, if
BB: I still can’t believe
Mike Lowell is Puerto Rican. Seriously.
Q: What is the one thing that still baffles you
about the Fish?
PR: That yet again they
are going with which ever Alex Gonzalez that is that suits up for them. Geez, his numbers got even worse last year. I am now fully believing that this Alex Gonzalez has nekkid pictures of the other Alex Gonzalez and he keeps
threatening to show them to Larry Beinfest
ED: And now both Alex Gonzalez’ are in
Q: Oh, Carlos Delgado didn’t sign with the
Orioles?
PR: Nope, not as much fun
is it? Oh well.
ED: Are we still supposed to suck up to Beinfest because the Marlins won the World Series last year
after picking up Paul LoDuca? If not, then that’s one stinky contract over
the long haul.
BB: Did I…miss the real
World Series or something? Regardless- the one point a whole buncha people have brought up that’s pretty salient is –
didn’t they just trade Derrek Lee last year because
they couldn’t afford an expensive first baseman? On one hand, they are only
paying Delgado $4 million this year – but that contract sure gets ugly fast.
$16 million for a 35-year-old first baseman with old player’s skills – in
PR: I could easily see
the Marlins thinking the contract was for Canadian dollars.
ED: Like how I thought the Corey Koskie signing was?
Q: Did the Marlins get any breaks in their
schedule?
PR: Yes and No. Assuming,
the Marlins keep themselves in the NL East picture, and that really shouldn’t
be too hard unless everyone underperforms or all the pitchers have their arms
ripped from their bodies (the later more likely since Trader Jack is still in
charge), the Fish will have a shot in September. The play 25
of their final 29 games within the division including six against the Braves
the last week of the season. Here is the rub – 17 of those games are on
the road. They have an 11 game road trip right in the middle of the month. I mean
is there a Punt, Pass & Kick Competition that couldn’t be moved so they
can’t play at home during that stretch? Some this will all be blamed on the tax
payers and how this would have never had happened if they played in Vegas.
ED: Yeah?
Well the Mets have to play in
BB: HEY!
|
NO DISASSEMBLE UNPROVEN EXCELLENT
RELIEVER! |
||
|
Pitcher |
Year |
|
|
Xavier Hernandez |
1995 |
Hernandez had another good year in setup before
his arm went. |
|
Rich Garces |
2000 |
Garces arm went the next year. |
|
Steve Reed |
1998 |
Reed has remained effective, even in Colorado. |
|
Nelson Cruz |
2001 |
Cruz was less effective the next year and out of
baseball the year after. |
|
Dave Veres |
1995 |
Veres remained an effective setup man until he got a
shot to be a closer, where he was successful. |
|
Mike Jackson |
1993 |
Jackson remained effective until he got a shot
to be a closer, where he was successful. |
|
David Wells |
1989 |
Wells became a fat man and a starter. |
|
Greg McMichael |
1996 |
McMichael had been an effective closer in Mark Wohlers’ stead and remained an effective setup man until
his retirement. |
|
Todd Jones |
2002 |
Todd Jones is a huge Lions fan but was ineffective
the next year in Coors and in Fenway. He had been,
up to that point, a successful closer. |
|
Terry Mathews |
1995 |
Terry Mathews – who I’ve never heard of before –
became an Oriole and lost the strke zone. |
|
Anthony Telford |
2000 |
Anthony Telford…blew his arm out. Hard. |
Q. Guillermo Mota…no
closer experience…what’s a fantasy boy to do?
BB: Mota’s
struck out 8.1 batters/9 innings over the past two years while averaging just
over 100 innings. He walked 2.8 batters/9 IP. The guys
with profiles similar to that are listed on the right.
So – 11
guys. A bunch of them blew out
their arms. Mota having been able to withstand the
workload over two years would make me think that he’s a bit stronger than those
guys. The important point to note is – everyone who had stats similar to Mota and was in a closer’s role for any period of time was
successful. There’s no reason to think Mota will be
any different.
ED: UPROVEN CLOSER – t.m.
Rhyno.
BB: I have no clue what
that means.
NEW YORK METS
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Q: How many times did you misspell Mientkiewicz
writing this?
BB: It upsets me that by
the time I learned how to spell Mientkiewicz without having to look it up, he
got traded away.
Q: The Second Coming is Carlos Beltran?
PR: Gotta
love the franchise player who was still trying to get a deal with the Yankees
right till the end because he didn’t wanna be the
man. And, of course, he moves from the hitterest of
hitters parks to Shea. My fantasy team can see the
OBP plummeting already. Man, he at least better still be stealing bases. For
the love of God, he still better be stealing bases. He and Pedro Martinez
should get along great since Pedro gave his creepy little friend the boot.
ED: Johnny Damon was Pedro’s friend?
BB: See – since I live in
the Fenway I’ll hook y’all up with the info. During
the World Series, I headed down to one of the local bars to watch game 3. Sure
enough, Pedro’s little buddy is in there, grabbing girls’ breasts and charging
for his autograph and all kinds of nonsense. I go to walk past him on the way
to the bathroom and he rolls his wheelchair over my foot. In the interest of
keeping this site clean I’m not going to link to the last known picture of my
foot but over the summer, I managed to break my foot and then break two toes to
the point where one was the color of a Viking jersey. That break’s still not
healed and probably never will be. So I was, shall we say, aggrieved. I shot a
glare back at that midget and he gave me a “I’M LITTLE PEDRO WHAT THE (BLUE)
ARE YOU LOOKING AT PASTY” look in response and I thought, for a second, that I
was going to knock out Pedro Martinez’s little midget buddy in the middle of
The Baseball Tavern. Before I could talk myself out of it, though, I got pushed
along by whoever was doing security for the dude and ended up just going to the
bathroom and walking out. I don’t need that. So fast forward
a few months. Pedro signs with New York. The day after it happens, I go
to the movie theater next to Fenway. I walk in and
who do I see waiting on line? Lil Pedro. He is
looking like he has wheeled through the banquet circuit and has spent too many
nights sleeping on Manny’s couch at the Ritz-Carlton. People aren’t going over
to him but are pointing from afar, usually with hushed laughter, and he knows
it. But that’s not me. I’m still pissed about my freaking toe. I walk over and
he sees me – and knows it’s me – and pretends to not notice me. It’s hard to
not notice me, though, when I walk over and laugh in his face. I’m talking big ol’ obnoxious guffaw, too. I walk in to the movie theatre
feeling much better about life having summarily gotten my revenge on an
overzealous 3’9” fatboy. I’m still living off that
high.
PR: You do realize that he
quite possibly has taken money from you on Party Poker.
BB: “very excited to hit
my flush flush flush”
Q: Isn’t there a tremendous amount of pressure on
Willie Randolph?
PR: Considering most
people can’t even remember that Willie is managing the team now, I wanna believe no. Despite what the NY Post or Daily News
will tell you, it should be fairly easy to make everyone forget about Art Howe.
Again, not really much of a challenge. Heck, the
biggest thing Willie is going to be worried about is reigning in his free
wheeling base running love. Shea Stadium goers
hopefully are prepared for a spike in guys getting tossed at home throughout
the season. I am a little shocked that Willie didn’t have Pedro and Doug M convince Dale Sveum to make the 5
and ½ hour drive with them. Dougie would have been
all over that. He could have relived the story about the magical World Series
ball that talks to him and cures cancer and makes his penis larger.
ED: And then Anna Benson would listen in.
BB: I think we have vastly
different perceptions of how “listening” works.
Q: So Omar Minaya is
going to get jumped at the next owner’s meeting, right?
PR: The owners had their
smooth little pimping going, no was getting hurt and then Anna Benson waived
her tig old bitties in
front of Omar and then serviced the rest of the front office and suddenly the
market for pitchers was blown to smithereens. 3 years, $22.5 million for a
career 47-53 record, 1.40 WHIP, 4.28 ERA (you can make your own comments about
the state of ML pitching that that actually translates to a 103 ERA+) and an
arm that hasn’t gone past 132 innings in the bigs
yet. And he is far too pasty to be from
ED: On the positive tip: Benson DOES get to pitch in Shea, so that should make his numbers look better and it’s
not like he cost the Mets Scott Kazmir. Of course, Benson does suck, so…well…at least
he didn’t cost them Scott Kazmir.
PR: Well, technically,
they didn’t since Kazmir went to
BB: We can all aspire to
be Kris Benson. Marry a crazy stripper. Don’t be good at your job, but get
acclaimed like you are. Have the best two months of your life right before you
hurt yourself. Get paid the entire time. Then, after you heal but aren’t the
same, get paid like you’re going to turn into that pitcher you might’ve become,
long after any possibility of that happening has evaporated. I say in the Red
Sox section that I want to be Mark Bellhorn but that
would really suck – to be underappreciated and constantly seen as
disappointing. Kris Benson is surrounded by people who think he is really great
when he in fact sucks. I am a very jealous man.
Q: Wait. Mike Piazza is catching again?
PR: Yup, and he’s
straight now too. This is one of those fun “Only the
Mets” type moves. So lets move our very aging, very poor defensive former
catcher back to catcher after only one year because we need the entire left
side of the infield to fit our new first baseman’s name.
ED: My only hope is that Randy Johnson decides to
bean him too.
BB: Do you think Piazza
goes around the locker room with pictures of him screwing his wife saying “TOLD
YOU SO!! I’M AN ARROW BABY! THIS WASN’T MY FIRST TIME, EITHER! I DIDN’T EVEN
CRY!”
Q: Cliff Floyd isn’t dead?
PR: His numbers state
otherwise.
BB: Shea
can do that. Hell, no one even knows what happened to
Q: Oh yeah, let’s get back to Anna Benson. You
know you wanna hit that?
PR: You disgust and
sadden me. Anna can start up that sewing circle with Brenda Warner, Jackie
Christie, Lisa Gastineau and Janet Jones Gretzky and leave me alone.
PR: And don’t think I
didn’t spend time figuring out in what order Anna would sleep with the clubhouse
after Kris cheated on her. Logic would say that she would start with Piazza
just so she could find out and then babble to the media because that would
continue to extend her 15 minutes. Tyler Yates would be fairly early on since
he is dreaming. Kaz Matsui and Dae-Sung
Koo and Jae Weong Soo would all be baffled
but very thrilled with what I am sure they would be told is an “American
tradition”. Tom Glavine
would be treated because old guys need love too. Then she would sleep with
Carlos Beltran and since she went black, she couldn’t go back. Of course, Mike
Cameron would be bitter about getting Beltran’s sloppy seconds and demand to be
traded again. And yes, the highlight is thinking about Anna Benson sleeping
with Felix Heredia. My hunch is that Heredia would be unable to find the “plate” and Anna would
have to call in Braden Looper to close things out.
ED: This is Phil’s world. We’re just hogging the bandwidth.
BB: The best part is
since this paragraph was written the Mets got Kaz
Ishii, meaning there is yet another Asian to fit into that joke. That rules.
Q. Why does Rippa hate Mike DeJean
now?
BB: You see, Charlotte,
sometimes a man and a woman can still love each other, but never want to be in
the same room at the same time.
ED: Are you calling Mike DeJean
a woman? Is Mike Piazza reading this?
Q. Is the Mets bullpen REALLY going to suck?
BB: No, Charlotte. Braden
Looper is a pretty decent closer, if not Armando
Benitez. He doesn’t inspire hate, though, so it evens out. DeJean
was actually lights out in New York, but that won’t happen again. There are
lots of decent options within the organization that, if Omar trusts them, will
be at least league-average. I like Heath Bell a LOT and think there’s a
non-negligible chance that he’ll be the best right-handed reliever in the
division this season. I will end on that so you can remember how wrong I am
three months from now.
PR: You are assuming the
Mets don’t trade for Uggie Urbina. I also enjoy that
you did gloss over Felix Heredia’s addition to the
staff. Heredia probably has a Universal “trust”
policy that he got from somewhere. It is especially effective with the Mets
since
BB: Not to mention, much
like the Yankees last year, the Mets don’t have any other options for
Southpaws. So Heredia has to get the ball far too
much. Considering Mets fans drove out Armando Benitez – an out-of-shape
Dominican reliever with a penchant for wildness who was actually valuable – I
don’t think Heredia is going to go over so well.
WASHINGTON NATIONALS
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Q: Hey, the Expos finally moved. It should be
happy days are here again… shouldn’t it?
PR: Oof…
there is never anything simple with this team. The fact that
the players don’t have “home” games where they have to hide their moms (whoops,
wrong country). Mind you, they are playing the next few years in RFK. It
might be best if they just leave their families in their mansions in Potomac.
It sorta puts them on a level playing field. Of
course, they still don’t have an owner, so they don’t have a real budget, nor
is there any real job security for anyone in the front office. And of course,
Peter Angelos continues to bend MLB over. But Bud Selig is the greatest commissioner who appears to have
glanced at the open ark of the covenant for a couple of seconds. I will toe the
company line. MORE REVENUE SHARING! POWER TO THE PEOPLE! STEROIDS FOR EVERYONE!
STEROIDS FOR NO ONE! CONTRACT THE YANKEES! Just tell me what to say Bud.
ED: The word is “Jim Bowden,” Phil. Actually, those are two words. But you can combine it into one word. Generally, the one word for Bowden started
with “mother.”
BB: I don’t get it. Did
Jim Bowden identify that the most undervalued part of the market were the two
or three Latin players that Omar Minaya didn’t want?
And – by the way – Alex Escobar scored a 98 on the TeamFinder.
Wily Mo Pena would score a 99.
Q: What exactly was the purpose of the Esteban Loaiza signing?
PR: Back when I was in
college in – sweet Jesus – the mid-90s, that there Ska
movement was in full effect. So all the “alternative” stations were loading up
on their fill of horny… well I wouldn’t call it goodness. Ya
know – lots of Goldfinger and Reel Big Fish and
Cherry Popping Daddies. The ones at the forefront were the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Now, living in
Washington DC, I attended many of the all-day 2948 band free a country see 13
year old boobage have Mother Nature be vengeful
concerts. So at one of the HFStivals, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones performed. After
a little bit, I noticed that there was one guy who just had one task – dance
like an idiot. Oh, he was a member of the band alright, dressed in the
ridiculous double breasted suit that somehow proved you were thug life and you
would mess someone’s “s” up with an euphonium. But he
didn’t play any instrument and he wasn’t singing. Just flailing around in what
passed for ska dancing. A friend of mine, who had
seen the Bosstones before, informed me that he was
definitely a traveling party member. Basically, this clown was being paid to be
a space filler. Someone with no
discernable talent, their only function to ease the burden on the members of
his group. What does this have to do with Loaiza?
He is the Nationals space filler or in baseball terms, an innings eater.
ED: This is where Bill
and I both kicked a wall for Phil beating us to the joke. We suck.
BB: If I had gone to one
of those festivals at age 12, I guarantee I would’ve been stuck behind our 6’6”
hero the entire time and weeped. HEY! WAIT! Rippa –
you are tall. The Expos loved tall guys who couldn’t throw hard. You can fake a
Washington birth certificate, right? You need to infiltrate. The comedy
potential is too high.
Q: Who else makes up the pitching exactly?
PR: If Frank Robinson
could have Livan Hernandez pitch 9 innings for 162
games, he would. But other folks have to take the mound. There is the
aforementioned Loaiza. I would like for Tony Armas Jr. to be good but there is only so long you can wait
around waiting for him to develop. And at this stage – Tony Armas
Sr. could probably pitch as well and be at least as healthy. Zach Day is having
a miserable spring and might not even keep his spot. Jon Rauch is gangly. They
are even relying on Antonio Osuna to shore up the
bullpen. THAT is going to be a mistake. And Tomo
Ohka… ummm… well 30 minutes after you face him you
want to face him again. Oh yeah! I no longer care. Hey all you gays. Let me
tell you something…
ED: And this is where Bill and I realized that
Phil’s sleep deprivation experiment puts us to shame. We really suck.
BB: Tomo
Ohka apparently took the short trip from Korea over to Japan last offseason and hung out with Kaz
Ishii since he too ended up as a TARGET, with his season ending in May. I’m
actually not that down on the Nationals’ starting staff. Hernandez has actually
become an ace, shockingly enough. John Patterson struck out a man an inning
last year over 19 starts, and he’s 27. He has serious, serious breakout
potential, especially in RFK.
Q: Who was the better FA signing – Vinny Castilla or Cristian Guzman?
PR: Crap, uhhh… can’t King Solomon cut them both in half? I am
thinking that I am leaning towards Castilla. Yup, Jim
Bowden is an idiot blinded by Coors-adled stats where
Castilla has never been good in a non-Rockies year.
Still, Castilla at least can still pop the ball out
of the park every once and awhile. And RFK appears to be setting up to be at
least neutral if not slightly favorable to hitters. Heck, Castilla
can at least hit the ball, period. Whereas Guzman would be better off…. I don’t
know, trying to get hit by pitches. (Though that is sure to rile up JD’s pal.) Castilla is also gone after two years and costs less per
year. Of course, almost anyone would cost less per year than the absurd 4-year,
$16.8 million deal that Guzman got. It’s like a million dollars for every point
under the league averages he is.
ED: Well, it’s not like Bowden went and traded
for Dante Bichette again. Preston Wilson is right there, though.
BB: He did go out and
sign Alex Escobar, though, which scored somewhere around a 96 on the TeamFinder scale. No one ever mentions that Termel Sledge got caught using steroids during his breakout
year in the minors – that might have something to do with how he lost a whole
bunch of power and bat speed on his way to the majors. Poor
Brad Wilkerson. And poor….well…
Q: Did Endy Chavez take
well to his demotion?
A: “Chavez suggested Bowden
trade him, but Bowden told Chavez that no teams were interested in his
services.”
Q: Aren’t you excited about the return of Nick
Johnson?
PR: If there is the quick
way for the Nats to get me to hate them it is the
fiasco that is treatment of Nick Johnson. First Jim Bowden comes out and says
that he is one of the cornerstones of the franchise. I am giddy. Ed then
quickly points out to me that is Bowden speak for
“will be traded by May”. And now it has been nothing but Washington Post
articles about how fat and ugly and stinky Nick Johnson is. And thank God for
the immortal Frank Robinson and brilliant Jim Bowden who are being so kind to
completely overhaul Johnson’s batting stance. Grr… okay. Now I am really
pissed. I am stopping now.
ED: Calm down, Phil. Nick will make a fine A. I’m certain you’ll enjoy those 10 innings of
Chad Bradford.
BB: The rumors are
already going around that the Nationals need to get another bat in the lineup
and that Nickie J has to go. I don’t know if you’re
aware, Mr. Bowden, but
PR: Most likely it will
be Wily Mo Pena, who Jim Bowden apparently feels is the Messiah. That… that… would be… unfortunate.
BB: TOOLZ!
Q: Has fatherhood taught you anything so far?
PR: Yeah, that my son is
destined to root for this team. And like a good father, I will ride the Metro, step over the wino on the stairs, ignore the scalpers
trying to peddle me WUSA tickets and buy him the hideous Cristian
Guzman jersey and hear him say “Wil Cordero is my
favorite Nat” and I cry just a little more each day.
ED: Ahh, the cats and
the cradle and the silver spoon…
BB: What are you talking
about?
PR: Bill is far too young
to know of Harry Chapin let alone Ugly Kid Joe.
Q: Did you hear about the Nationals wanting to
sign Rey Ordonez?
PR: Hate World. Revenge Soon.
BB: That seems so right.
ED: God I love Jim Bowden.