AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST
Listed in order of 2005 finish...but if ya wanna think this is a
prediction, knock yourself out.
ED = Ed Agner,
BB = Bill Barnwell,
PR = Phil Rippa
LOS
ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM
2005 Record: 95-67 (Won AL West. Lost in ALCS to THE UNSTOPPABLE
CHICAGO WHITE SOX!)
ADDITIONS: P Jeff Weaver, 2B/3B Edgardo Alfonzo, P JC Romero, P Hector
Carrasco
DEPARTURES: C Bengie Molina, OF Jeff Davannon, OF Steve Finley, C Josh
Paul, P Jason Christiansen, P Paul Byrd, P Jarrod Washburn
2005 OVERVIEW: Pretty much ran away with AL West by 7 games. I called
less than 5 in the preview. I suck. Took the Yankees in the ALDS.
Couldn't catch a break (or tag a runner) in the ALCS.
ED: The American League is an entirely different beast than it was just
2-3 seasons ago. The Red Sox and Yankees are seriously flawed. The
WORLD CHAMPION UNSTOPPABLE WHITE SOX are…well, if anyone wants to take
a bet on a repeat, hit me up. So basically, you can now approach the
American League pretty much in the same way you approach the NFC – look
for a decent team with potential to make a run in the post-season. You
have basically 6-7 teams who can compete for a spot in the playoffs and
beyond that it's a crap shoot. So this year, the team to bet on appears
to be the Angels. They're not head and shoulders about anyone else, but
they have enough of this and that and the other – plus a stocked minor
league system in case the team wants to make a panic deal on a BIG
NAMED STAR!!! God knows, Bill Stoneman can not resist doing something
panicky and stupid.
BB: I am still shocked Darin Erstad didn’t end up at catcher. Of
course, then their first baseman might actually be able to hit. And we
couldn’t have that happen.
PR: Clearly Ed hasn’t read about how the Athletics are going to go
162-0. Oh and keeping Tim Salmon on the roster doesn’t count as
Stoneman’s stupid move?
ED: The big-big-big sticking point for the Angels, as I see it, is
injuries. Now, every team will battle injuries over the course of the
season. But the Angels are faced with the biggest injury problem of
them all in Bartolo Colon. No-no. We're not going to go on and on about
the workloads Colon has pulled down over his career. We've done that
all before. My biggest worry about Colon's injury risk is based not on
his arm finally falling off. My concern with Colon is based entirely on
the Angels signing of Hector Carrasco. With Colon, Carrasco and Esteban
Yan on board, not only do you have to worry about post-game fights over
the cold cut spreads, but you also have to configure the team flight
seating plans so all that girth is equally balanced. Do you sit one in
front, one at the wing and the other at the back? Do you just have the
three sit on one side of the plane and the rest of the team on the
other? These things would worry me if I were an Angels fan. Alas, I am
not. My only hope is that the team plane crashes into the rally monkey.
BB: OK. How careful do you think Bartolo is with his daily meal money?
Do you think when he gets handed it, he’s constantly fingering it in
his pocket, waiting for his fix, and that he just constantly stares
menus and fast food chains down until he spends it? Do you think if you
were to rob Bartolo Colon, he’d hand over his jewelry, his credit
cards, his wedding band (which has probably expanded to Polyphonic
Spree-size at this point), and his OTHER pocket cash before handing
over the money he’s officially been assigned to eat with? Do you think
he would try to eat the meal money first?
PR: I guess that Colon’s biggest concern when eating is that he doesn’t
get too excited and bite his own finger.
ED: Of course, on the team flights, we all know Jeff Weaver will be in
the bathroom with a one-hitter thinking about scoring some of the junk
food stuck in Colon's fat folds.
PR: Can Weaver wear his goofy seashell necklace on the play or is that
banned under the FAA regulations since 9/11? If there are considered a
potential threat, did Weaver run out of the airport the first time he
tried to go through security as to prevent them taking it away from him?
ED: Though, one could fathom that the weight distribution problem is
the same as last season being as how the Angels replaced one bitter
load (Benji Molina) with a load happy to soak a team on a ridiculous
contract (Carrasco). Then again, I haven't seen Jose Molina this
season. Maybe he feasted on some of Benji's post-cash-in celebrator
Jack-In-The-Box and assumed the proper Molina girth. In which case,
revisiting the team plane seating will need to be necessary.
BB: I was always under the assumption that there were 11 thin Molina
brothers and the three that made it to America ate the rest.
PR: Now, I just have a vision of the Molina brother’s being a real life
Russian doll set, with each one living inside the other.
ED: And if the team plane goes down in the mountains – let's say,
theoretically in Donner's Pass – which Angel do you eat first? Garret
Anderson and Dallas McPherson would be too brittle to feast on
properly. Darin Erstad is too GRITTY! Vlad is too valuable. The OC!!!,
Adam Kennedy and Chone Figgins would be too sinewy. Obviously, the
choice comes down to Juan Rivera and Casey Kotchman. Kotchman is young
and may be veal-like. Rivera is older, not too muscular so as to not
cook down too much and was a Yankee so there is some champagne basted
in. So it depends on your taste, really. Obviously, it would not matter
to Colon, Yan, Carrasco, li'l Molina and Mike Scioscia, just as long as
they eat.
BB: “Any coupon works”. And Kotchman’s bones are weak which may make
him taste even better, like some weird Southern barbeque. I think
Kotchman works better for this crowd. Of course, they could top him
with Dallas McPherson, he’s full of holes. A perfect topping really.
PR: Aww… Dallas McPherson got sent down. So if he is on the plane, it
will be as a stowaway.
ED: I am thinking the bullpen would be safe in case of any such
disaster as all of their choice wrap-arounds will reflect the sun,
catching the eye of a passing plane and getting them all to rescue
immediately.
BB: Well I was also thinking that they could use the wrap-arounds to
focus the sun’s rays onto Robb Quinlan, making him crisp and chewy. And
you gotta figure Carrasco’s carrying around a bottle of barbeque sauce
at all times.
PR: Well Hector did play in DC. So he is used to pork. HI-OH!!!!
ED: Oh yeah, count Edgardo Alfonzo as a troubled one at the crash scene
too. There is already a fork stuck in his back.
PR: Does management have to buy an extra ticket for the fork? Is it
considered carry-on luggage? Do Alfonzo and Tim Salmon share the same
fork, and whoever is in the lineup carries it?
ED: Obviously, this conjecture is all moot since the likely scenario
would be like that Mr. Show skit where the fat loads eat the entire
team after the plane only being down like 3 hours. Hey, air line
peanuts only go so far.
BB: Let’s just say if it took a month to get a rescue plane out there,
Colon would still be sleeping off his lunch.
ED: 2006 OUTLOOK! Shrug. I am a fool. My Spidey senses tell me that this
is the team to beat. Everyone else is pooping on them though. They're
flawed, yeah. But everyone else in the AL is too. And God is their
minor league system stocked. And if the team plane DOES go down, the
Angels could call up their entire minor league system and still be
better than the Mariners.
BB: SCOUTS!
OAKLAND
ATHLETICS
2005 RECORD: 88-74
ADDITIONS: P Randy Keisler, C Raul Casanova, DH Frank Thomas, P Chad
Gaudin, OF Milton Bradley, P Esteban Loaiza, P Matt Rooney, IF Antonio
Perez
DEPARTURES: DH Eurebial Durazo, 1B Scott Hatteberg, OF Dustin Majewski,
P Keiichi Yabu, P Ricardo Rincon
2005 OVERVIEW: Youth movement yet again gave the team some growing
pains. The usual slow start put them in too deep of a hole from which
the A's could not get past.
ED: I made the mistake of picking up "Aces" a book about the last year
the A's had Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder and Barry Zito all together. God,
if you didn't hate Zito before…Frickin' airhead.
ED: As always with a Beane team, there's a lot to like and a lot to
scratch your head about. Beane takes chances, obviously, so he
alienates both the stat heads and the regular old school fans. And boy
did he take some chances this offseason.
BB: I’m not sure whether the NEW SABERMETRICS says Billy Beane is a
genius or an idiot yet. So I am hedging my bets to retain my cred.
ED: Big Chance #1: Milton Bradley, noted headcase and hater of Jeff
Kent. Two pluses in my book. Now in his fourth organization in six
years, Bradley has either talked or bad-attituded his way out of each
organization and was dumped on the A's for marginal outfield prospects.
His career comps? Herb Perry, Johnny Rizzo, Buster Adams, Mike Lamb,
Ernie Koy, Junior Felix, Eric Hinske, Dave Stapleton, Aaron Rowand,
Dick Kokos. If you want a better list, his comps by age are - Gabe
Kapler, Matt Lawton, Todd Hollandsworth, Jackie Jensen, Mike Davis,
Jackie Brandt, Larry Hisle, Ray Lankford, Chris James, Mark Whiten. His
price tag? $2.5 Million. In Bradley's defense, he is a good outfielder.
And he will be playing LF instead of CF. And the A's are all about
defense these days. But man, that's going out there to take a chance.
BB: I don’t think we should limit Milton Bradley’s hate to Jeff Kent.
I’m sure he hates lots of people. And Bill Plaschke. And some stuff not
even worth hating. Like I could see him having an irrational hate
for…say…tile. And sure, Bradley’s crazy. But there’s no real
commitment. For whatever the pro-rated rest of his season is, the A’s
can just as easily cut him. That being said, it’s a contract year.
Granted, one in an ugly park, but if Beane and Macha are REALLY behind
him, I…oh well. Might as well look like an idiot. Milton Bradley will
win AL MVP this year.
PR: Aww… I just heard today that Buster Olney predicted Bobby Crosby to
be the MVP. TWO MAN RACE!!!
ED: Big Chance #2: Esteban Loaiza, noted underachiever until a fluke
2003, vagabond ever since. I would rattle off his similar's but that is
a list we need to keep for ourselves for FPotM ideas. He's coming off
of a 217 inning year. The last (and only) time Loaiza threw over 200
innings? The flukey 2003. Loaiza's follow up to 2003 found him
floundering for both the White Sox and Yankees with lower K and higher
walk rates. The A's signed him to a 3-year deal worth $21.375 million.
Yes. Beane will be on the phone with the Mets about Loaiza by the
trading deadline.
BB: Of course, Ed is kinda cheating a little since Loaiza threw 190+
innings three times. That being said, he’s right – we’re not talking
about Rick Helling here when it comes to eating innings. I think this
deal will be fine, but more because Loaiza is going to be in a
pitcher’s park again with a spectacular defense behind him. So then, if
Loaiza can get out there for 30 starts, he’ll probably win 18 games
with a decent ERA, and then become a nice trading chit in the offseason
for the team that doesn’t get whatever crappy free agent starter for
$55 million. That being said, they could have done that with pretty
much anyone; they didn’t need to make it Loaiza and they didn’t need to
make it for $20 million plus.
ED: Big Chances #3: Re-signing Jay Witasick (and his stalker -
http://jensbaseballgalleries.com/Witasick/ ) and hooking up with Frank
Thomas. Thomas is signed for only $500K with options that could take
his worth up to $2.6 million. I love me some Frank Thomas, and it's a
cheap deal and all but he hasn't been healthy since 2003 and will turn
38 this season. Witasick…well, the stalker is fun. Yeah. Otherwise, the
A's again overspent. The A's? Overspent? Three times in one offseason?
That's right. Anti-Moneyball is the new Moneyball, people.
BB: Jeremy Brown wants to know if you’re going to finish that brownie.
Aww…one day major league.
PR: At least when Frank Thomas played, he crushed the ball. Does that
mean anything for this year? Probably not. I don’t know why I still
loathe Witasick since D’Angelo Jimenez is terrible. At least his B-R
sponsorship is wacky. “For LJ, Sean Burroughs, seats close to the
bullpen, and underrated middle relievers everywhere.”
ED: On the positive tip, the A's cut bait on the spent Mr. No Holes,
avoiding a far-too-big option and allowing Dan Johnson a regular spot.
Also on the positive tip, the A's let loose brittle FA's Erubiel Durazo
and Octavio Dotel and OVERPRICED LOOGY! Ricardo Rincon. So…umm…maybe
the math works out or something. I am no accountant, but I doubt that.
BB: Billy Beane turning on Erubiel Durazo was really kinda sad.
Remember when they traded for him? “"Durazo's almost been my Holy
Grail,'' Oakland general manager Billy Beane said after the deal was
announced at baseball's winter meetings at the Opryland Hotel. "I have
been following this guy for three years."” And then he couldn’t even
get the Scott Hatteberg sweetheart contract extension. Of course, now
that the Rangers cut him, the A’s can get him on a minor league deal
and in a couple of months, have him replace Thomas at DH.
ED: But what is there for you, Mr. and/or Ms. Smart Fan, to like about
this new anti-Moneyball A's? Well, Mark Ellis had a nice little
all-around year for the A's. Umm…Nick Swisher is…umm…colorful and has
some pop and his father played in the bigs. Jay Payton was pretty good
after hating his way out of Boston. Dan Johnson was a nice little
replacement over Hatteberg's outs. Eric Chavez is still Eric Chavez,
for good and for bad. And…umm…OK. Well…yeah. Forget that smart fan
stuff.
BB: Jason Kendall is still white. There you go.
PR: Does this mean I shouldn’t count on him to steal me any bases?
ED: Aww, crap! I started this bit when I heard that Buck Owens died. I
have no joke. I like Buck Owens. The A's have a farm team in
Bakersfield. Jeremy Brown is probably there. Buck's career is closer to
being alive than Jeremy Brown's.
BB: Buck Owens probably looks nicer in a pair of jeans.
ED: HEY! Huston Street ROOKIE PVC!!! PROVEN COLLEGE CLOSER!!! WHEE!!!
ED: Wow! The A's entire pitching staff was pretty good last year even
sans Hudson and Mulder. You take away Britt Reames' regrettable call up
and Juan Cruz' suckiness and all of the A's staff all had really good
peripherals. They walked a bit too many. But they K'ed plenty enough
and ended up with the second best ERA+ in the AL. On top of that, the
starting staff is young enough to improve...or go down with arm
injuries. If it’s the latter, I can only hope it happens to Zito first.
BB: I kinda hope Zito OD’s at Bonnaroo. The staff is young and there’s
lots of depth; Joe Kennedy had a 3.66 ERA in 163 innings in Colorado
two years ago, and his arm should be back to normal by now. He’s also
27. If Loaiza or Harden go down, he’s stepping in and there wouldn’t be
much of a dropoff, especially if it’s Loaiza. Clearly Ed just ignored
Kirk Saarloos (160 IP, 53 K, 54 BB) when he was talking about the A’s
staff’s peripherals. But he is old.
PR: My favorite random story of the offseason was Justin Duchscherer
running a fund raiser for MS and it being a video game challenge where
members of the As took on members of the Giants and mlb.com refused to
report what game they were actually playing. So I would have to assume
that this was the saddest game of Karaoke Revolution ever.
ED:
2006 OUTLOOK: There's not enough offense to hang with the Angels for the
division title. Probably not enough to hang for the Wild Card, either.
But they'll be good enough to hang around and to be a thorn in
everyone's side. And then Beane will work to hork off the sabernerds in
the next offseason.
TEXAS
RANGERS
2005 RECORD: 79-83
ADDITIONS: P Antonio Alfonseca, P Brian Anderson, P Adam Eaton, P
Akinori Otsuka, OF Terrmel Sledge, OF Brad Wilkerson, P Vicente
Padilla, MEANIE!! D'Angelo Jiminez, P Kevin Millwood, P Jon Leicester,
PROSPECT Robinson Tejada, NOT HANK Jake Blalock
DEPARTURES: 2B Alfonso Soriano, P Chris Young, 1B Adrian Gonzalez, OF
Terrmel Sledge, P Justin Thompson, C Sandy Alomar Jr, P Doug Brocail, P
P Ricardo Rodriguez, P Kenny Rogers, P Chris Young, OF David Dellucci
2005 OVERVIEW: ARENA BALL!!! Never. Ever. Works.
ED: As usual, we at VP.com give a shout outs to Antonio Alfonseca and
all 8,000 fingers! Long may you ride! HITS!!!
PR: The day that someone figures out Suzy Kolber isn’t a lesbian will
be a sad day for our hits.
ED: Oh right, this isn't a John Hart team anymore. The sad thing is
that I didn't know that by looking at the roster. No pitchers and
limited bashers. You sure John Hart isn't still in charge?
BB: There’s no legacy contract for their awful starting catcher, so no.
ED: Oh, snap! The Rangers replaced Hart with a barely-legal Ivy
Leaguer, didn't they? HOT! Ivy Leaguers with conncections to the
Rangers do well in Texas, actually. As long as Jon Daniels has no beef
with killing retards, he can go places in Texas. Which means that Phil
Nevin had better watch his back.
PR: Why? You would think he has grown used to the fork sticking out of
it.
ED: Funny enough, everyone is on the "Michael Young is underrated"
tip. Everyone. Right. OK. So you know how that works by
now. Yep, at this point, Young is horribly overrated. He is now the
white, Southwestern Derek Jeter. But underrated. And actually, the
defensive stats pretty much pegs him exactly as another Jeter. Which
makes this Sporting News ditty all the funnier - "Defense: is one of
the league's best shortstops." (No need to look at those range stats.
Nosuh.) "Is very fluid, with quick footwork and agilty to each side."
(Well, for a quadriplegic, I guess.) "Can adjust his stride very well
when going after the ball." (What exactly does that mean? That he
doesn't just run forever when going after a ball?) "Has quick, soft
hands." (Which, assumedly, makes him popular among the ladies.) "Has a
quick release; throws have very good carry." (What?) "Has good arm
strength from the hole." (Well...yeah. OK. I have no idea if they're
even talking about baseball at this point.) In Young's defense, here is
what the Sporting News' scouting report has on his closest defensive
comp, Mr. PastadivingJeter - "Outstanding instincts are evident in his
approach on grounders and his avoidance of bad hops. Is very fluid. Has
quick hands and is agile. Doesn't have really quick feet; range is a
product of positioning and very long arms. Charges the ball well and is
quick on his transfer and release. Throws have good carry from the
hole." So yeah. Scouts suck.
PR: Having a “quick release” will negate his “quick, soft hands” with
the ladies.
BB: Mike Young is replacing Garret Anderson in the
too-overrated-to-be-underrated category. Which means he will win a
World Series MVP and we will get the WE WERE ALL WRONG column from
Neyer which should be fun. Now, he’s not a good defender. Ed is right
about that. But he can hit – and it isn’t just Arlington (913 OPS at
home, 884 on the road last year). So, I mean, we’re basically looking
at Alfonso Soriano with less power and no speed, but more walks. He
could be the best second baseman in the league if he played there and
played at the level he used to defensively, but at short, he’s still
valuable. He’s just costing the team two games with his glove.
Understand that.
ED: But y'all can forget Michael Young anyway - IAN KINSLER IS SEXIER
THAN STEPHEN A. SMITH IN A HOUSE OF MIRRORS!!! HOT! SEXY! Mmmm. We'll
all just forget that Kinsler has no clue what that whole ball four
business is about. I mean, he is replacing Alfonso Soriano, after all.
All Kinsler has to do is put up some superficial stats and pretend to
play defense and no one will notice any sort of drop off.
BB: Oh, like Ian Kinsler is any Mark DeRosa. And he’s shown pretty
decent if not incredible walk rates in the minors, so I’m not sure
what’s up with Ed. Maybe Kinsler hangs out with Eric Chavez and steals
Ed’s ladies. I am unsure.
PR: The only thing I have to say about all this is I enjoy that Texas
wanted to move Soriano to the outfield for like two years. And he would
say no and they would cower and be like “Oh I’m sorry Mr. Soriano. We
will never trouble you again.” So basically, the eventually were made
to look silly by Jim Bowden.
ED: Mark Teixeira is this team's sexiness, nevermind Michael Young's
underrated/overratedness. He is no Paul Konerko though. What Teixeira
really needs to do is fall of the age cliff then become a leader so he
can get some Kenny Williams scratch. And let's face it, by the time
Teixeira is at that stage, the White Sox will just be about ready to
crawl out from under the Konerko contract. So it's all good.
PR: And the Contreras extension.
ED: Hiya! I'm Hank Blalock! Anyone remember me? I won the All Star game
a couple of years ago. Remember? I'm the guy who essentially WON THE
WORLD SERIES FOR THE BOSTON RED SOX! Ring a bell? Right. Yeah.
Well...let's just all live in 2004 and forget 2005 ever happened. No. I
have no clue what the deal was either. But man was I not good. Turns
out that everyone caught on that I can't hit lefties whatsoever. Shh.
The Rangers haven't figured that out though, so I'm all good. Boy, did
I stink last year. But hey, superficial power numbers in a hitters park
sure confuse enough people to keep them offa my back! Hey! Maybe I'm
one a-them reverse-Saberhagen guys. Sure hope so. Elsewise I'm screwed
and Seattle already is overpaying for a 3B so my options are limited if
I need to go elsewhere. I'm certain the Red Sox faithful would take me
in though. They all live in 2004 too.
BB: Mark Bellhorn won the World Series you old man. Sweet sweet 2004.
ED: Sporting News Scouts Comment funniness on Brad Wilkerson -
"Outlook: Wilkerson's move to hitter-friendly Ameriquest Field could
bring his power numbers back up." (In other news, dropping me in the
ocean should make me wet.) "He needs to cut down on his strike outs and
should be more aggressive." (What? Huh? OK. You need to do one or the
other, because those two statements are usually exclusive - in most
cases, anyway.) For those not willing to look - Wilkerson hit .248 with
11 dongs in Washington last year. He struck out 147 times and walked 84
times. Cutting the K's? Sure, that wouldn't hurt. But I would think
being more aggressive would be the last thing Wilkerson should be this
coming season. Of course, even if he is, he still has a good shot at
being the Rangers best outfielder this season anyway.
BB: I am amazed that Ed has the whole ocean thing down living in Ohio.
I mean, even if Wilkerson has the same kinda year he had last year in
Washington, it’s a ways better than throwing Laynce Nix out there for
300 ABs. For some reason, there’s this rep that Wilkerson’s still
growing as a prospect, but he’s 29. So there’s not much more growth
coming. I’d still rather have him than Soriano, and that’s not much of
a decision. His b-r sponsorship, by the way, is a must-read.
ED: Kevin Mench is the only other hitter on the Rangers roster worth
giving a lot of AB's to. And Buck is a smart enough man to just let
Mench hit. Of course, when you look great compared to Gary Matthews Jr.
and Phil Nevin, that may not necessarily be a compliment. I mean, even
I look GQ next to say Sean Burroughs but...you know...big friggin' deal.
"Ed Agner"
according to Google |
"Sean Burroughs"
according to the weird fan girl |
ED: Fine, I'll poke fun of The Sporting News yet again - David Dellucci
(whom they have listed as DH) - "Offense: Had a career year in 2005."
(Well, when even TSN gets that, the Rangers are screwed.)
"Defense...His arm is extremely short; runners frequently take extra
bases." (Well...OK.) "Outlook: He has become a prductive offensive
player, but he likely won't duplicate his 2005 home run totals." (Yes.
Even TSN caught on to this.) "BEST CHEMISTRY GUY: DH David Delucci. He
is a consumate professional and has a knack for making the young
players feel at ease." (Aww, poor-poor Ian Kinsler won't know what hit
him.) "He sets an example for how a major leaguer should go about his
business" (By spending 3/4 of his career on the DL?)
BB: By picking up baseball rats, Ed. Sweet, sweet baseball rats.
PR: Oh yeah – not deleting the Dellucci joke at all. Nope.
ED: Without even looking, I am trying to think of a Rangers starting
pitcher from last year. Umm, Aaron Sele? Rick Helling? Kevin Brown?
Nolan Ryan? Charlie Hough? Eww. That's some ugliness. Sporting News
decided not to even acknowledge the Rangers starting staff at all and
focused in entirely on the new guys.
BB: Orel Hershisher?
PR: Well its also entirely possible that the Sporting News couldn’t
name any Rangers pitchers either. This is the Sporting News we are
talking about.
ED: So let's see, Kevin Millwood lead the AL in ERA behind one of the
best defenses in baseball last season. Adam Eaton, who is Adam Eaton
and regularly kills my fantasy teams, gets the funniest of all Sporting
News treatments - "Throws across his body which puts a lot of pressure
on his arm; never has pitched 200 innings in a season...Outlook: Eaton
will provide a VETERAN PRESENCE!!! at the top of a young rotation. If
he stays healthy, he could win 15-18 games for the Rangers." And
Vicente Padilla, who pitched for Larry Bowa, which is just shy of
setting off the same alarms as having pitched for Jeff Torborg and Jack
McKeon. Right. Umm. So, in review, Millwood ain't gonna have that kinda
defense (especially infield) behind him, so his numbers will inflate.
Adam Eaton is Adam Eaton and betting on him staying healthy is John
Hart-esque. And Padilla? Eww. That just ain't gonna be pretty.
PR: Aww… Eaton couldn’t even stay healthy for us to finish the preview.
BB: Normally I like it when people name-drop us but I really want
nothing to do with The Sporting News. Millwood isn’t exactly someone
who responds well to a lot of long innings, so I’m not exactly sanguine
on his hopes of eating innings for the Rangers. They really should have
just grabbed Loaiza instead.
ED: On the bright side of things, the Rangers have some solid young
arms just about ready, supposedly. If the Rangers were smart, they
would have saved their time and energy this past offseaon on the
Millwood, Padilla and Eaton moves and instead picked up an actual CF
who can cover some ground; move PastadivingMichaelYoung to 3rd; trade
Blalock for a SS who can cover some ground and then just let the decent
arms the Rangers have in the system develop, things might not be
entirely bleak. As it is, the Rangers do have decent young arms who are
almost ready, but three rotation spots are blocked by money/suck holes
and there is no defense to help the kids out. So yeah, talk about
Kameron Loe and the D-V-D trio in OKC, but none of that will matter
with the defense and Hart-constructed mess already in place.
BB: They coulda moved Young back to second, Teixeira back to third
(where he was pretty decent in the minors), and grabbed Thome for Ian
Kinsler, but…what do I know.
PR: Well, if you know anything, its all about blue balls.
ED: JEEZ!!! It's been 5 years now since Francisco Cordero was part of
that ill-fated Juan Gonzalez trade. Sadly, Cordero and Frankie the Cat
were the only ones to make it out of that trade alive. Whoa, nelly.
Even Kenny Williams laughs at that deal.
BB: Poor, poor Gabe Kapler.
ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Well...at least they're not the Mariners.
SEATTLE
MARINERS
2005 RECORD: 69-93
ADDITIONS: OF Joe Borchard, DREAMY! Roberto Petagine, P Kevin Appier,
2B Fernando Vina, P Dave Burba, DH Carl Everett, P Jarrod Washburn, C
Kenji Johjima, P Jesse Foppert, P Marcos Cavrajal, ROIDIN' Matt Lawton,
P Jarrod Washburn
DEPARTURES: P Matt Thornton, C Yorvit Torrealba, OUT/DL!!! Pokey Reese,
P Shigetoshi Hasegawa, SS Ramon Santiago, P Ryan Franklin
2005 OVERVIEW: HAHAHAHAHA! Truly, I almost feel bad about laughing at
the Mariners. But I recall 2001 far too well. It will take a decade of
suffering for me to get over that hate. Keeping Bill Bavasi in charge
should keep the M's on track for a decade of suck.
ED: The Cardinals and Mariners are teams that are just inexplicably
lightning rods for my hatred. For the most part, the teams themselves
mean nothing to me, but their collective fanbases have crossed the line
to where I just want them all dead. So yeah. I admit this bias. But
c'mon, teams that have employed or currently employ Bret Boone and Tony
LaRussa have it coming.
BB: Like you are even pretending to read this; we know you’re waiting
to find out which band Ed’s going for.
ED: Scene from Mariners Training Camp , Pt. 1: A translated transcript
from Kenji Johjima's initial spring training press conference: "Forget
all that noise about me not speak American! A single for heater,
deuce for hook and trey for slider is universal. BAH!!! Everything will
fine. And don't talk about that any longer. I answer you what you want
to have - when who then? Why I come to Seattle? I tell you – The
Presidents of the United States of America. 'Lump' is when I, Kenji
Johjima, became man. 'She lump. She lump. She in my head.'
Superrocknrolljamout! I rocked very much. I realize beauty of life. I
weep like girl when I hear thump of two string bass go boom-boom-boom.
'Millions of peaches peaches for me! Millions of peaches peaches for
free! Millions of peaches peaches for me! Millions of peaches peaches
for free!' Like Zen koan. 'Movin' to the country gonna eat a lot of
peaches!' Movin' to Seattle gonna eat me a lot of peaches! That is why
I sign with Mariner! I rock out to PUSA!"
BB: GREAT JOKE ED! SIR MIX-A-LOT WILL APPROVE!
ED: Well, the Mariners annual offseason oddness saw them fork over a
lot of dough to the aforementioned Johjima, DH? Carl Everett and P
Jarrod Washburn. So Johjima, who knows? The equivalency numbers from
Japan to MLB is...umm...well, the least of Prospectus' problems.
BB: WE ARE NOT SABERMETRICS!
ED: The Sporting News on Carl Everett - "Outlook: Everett is better
suited to be a DH. He can be a dangerous hitter, especially if he
doesn't have to play every day." Well...yeah. OK. Hanging curveball...
BB: Everett is better suited to being in a straightjacket, Jesus.
ED: And Jarrod Washburn? Aww, sweet little Sporting News! When did they
hire Jooge? - "Outlook: The four-year deal he signed with the Mariners
showed they weren't too concerned about elbow problems that limited him
to 29 starts last season. Now he has more pitches to get hitters out."
BB: No, now he has more money to rest his arm in.
ED: OK. So, yeah. Ichiro Suzuki. Wow. I mean...GRR...Curt Schilling
first...ugh...then Ichiro...GAH. So much hate is causing me to lose any
semblance of coherence. All right. Deep breath. Let's just start with
this, from the Sporting News - "Outlook: Suzuki is one of the game's
premier five-tool players and can dominate a game. He started last
season with aspirations of hitting .400 but fell well short as he
appeared to tire in the second half." OK. First off, lets start last
and at least acknowledge that TSN didn't make the generally lame-o
excuse everyone has used for ICHIRO'S! 2nd half fall off - that he was
trying to hit for power to lead the team and/or it was the team's fault
that ICHIRO! didn't play well in the second half because the team
sucked and didn't care. It couldn't be ICHIRO'S! fault that he tanked
the second half! No! It has to be his teammates' fault. GRR. Now, let's
address the first part - five tool player? Let's see. Last I knew the 5
tools included hitting for power. Ichiro popped a MLB-career high 15
home runs last season. Ooo. Babe Ruth look out! Christ. I mean, Hideki
Matsui is closer to a five tool player than Ichiro.
BB: Shouldn’t Ichiro really go and hit those 40 homers that everyone
says he could hit if he wanted to? That’s like me, ugly and single,
saying “Oh yeah. I could go find a girlfriend if I wanted to. No
problem.” Hint: not happening.
ED: Scene from Mariners Taining Camp, Pt. 2:
- Jesus didn't drive no hatchback.
- I take charge of team. I charge team with take.
- All I'm sayin' is that there ain't no talk a-none a yous in the the
Bible.
- C'mon, C. Let it alone.
- Look - can't you all just get your head around the fact that none a
y'all's in the Bible so y'all don't exist.
- Carl. Carl. Come on, man...
- I ain't goin' nowhere, 'till y'all accept Jesus not having no rice
burners.
- I take charge of team! World Classic hero leader!
- I'll lead you, you little --
- ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!! My wrist!!!
And now you know why Jeremy Reed is really starting the season on the
DL.
BB: It’s always good when Ed is writing solely for my benefit.
ED: Honestly, I do sorta feel sorry for Mariner fans if for no other
reason than they have to listen to Dave Niehaus.
ED: Wow! Who could have seen that Adrian Beltre would not have been
good last season? Oh right. We did. Well, there ya go. Richie Sexson,
on the other hand, was really pretty good. So the Mariners decided, ya
know, we need to protect Richie in the lineup! If we protect Richie,
Richie will protect Adrian and everything will work out fine! Let's
extend Raul Ibanez' contract for no apparent reason! God, even when
Beane has a questionable offseason, the rest of the AL West is there to
bail him out.
BB: Really, that’s what they’re there for.
ED: The team of Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt as the Mariner
middle infield is pretty much...Christ. Umm. Ugly? Wow! What can I say.
It's like seeing two very hideously-ugly people making out. I mean,
sure you're grossed out by it, but on the same note, you're happy they
found each other. Of course, then you have to worry about them
breeding. But since this is the Northwest, it's fine by me. Anyway, the
best thing about these wonder twins is that people are dropping Rey
Ordonez' name in comparison AS A COMPLIMENT! God, I love Bill Bavasi.
ED: Hey! Matt Lawton will be a Mariner after he completes his 10 game
'roid suspension. God, the fact that he and Mike Morse are there in the
needle exchange capitol of the world, makes everything so very-very
wonderful.
BB: I keep thinking Mike Morse is Mike Mondo and I’m real confused.
ED: I like the fact that MARINER SUPERSTAR PITCHER! Felix Hernandez
gets to join the rotation with other Mariner-developed studs like Roger
Salkeld, Ryan Anderson, Joel Piniero and Gil Meche.
Whoops! Seriously, I like Hernandez. I just put no faith in young
Mariner pitchers panning out.
BB: Oh Felix Hernandez is as incredible as he is doomed. I am giddy
that his 20th and final comp, according to Prospectus…is John Stephens.
Be brave big Aussie. I do enjoy that Prospectus won’t even publish
their fawning old comments about Stephens. WE NEVER LOVED YOU! WE ARE
THE NEW SABERMETRICS!
ED: You know, one could go two ways with Jamie Moyer. One could look at
that fork in his back. Or one could be thoroughly amazed that he
somehow pitched 200 innings even with most games going well past his
nursing home's bed time. Still, if the Mariners are lucky, they will
send Moyer off to be made into glue and use his roster spot on Clint
Nageotte. Of course, odds are good Bill Bavasi would just make a move
for like Darren Oliver or something.
BB: Well, Nageotte got sent down already. Because, you know, strikeouts
aren’t democratic when you have YUNIESKY BETANCOURT in the middle
infield! Shouldn’t his name be transferred through tinyurl so that he
becomes 741147 and that links you to his real name? Will anyone
understand that joke?
PR: Aww… is still bitter about a two year old waiver claim.
ED: Seriously, it's time to consider getting off the pot with Gil Meche
and Joel Pineiro. Granted the Mariners have no one with whom to to
replace either of them. But still. I mean, both are 27 now. The
prospect status might officially be over at this point.
BB: Well Joel Piniero’s labrum isn’t fried, so he at least has that
going for him.
ED: If anything else other than Richie Sexson went well for the
Mariners, it was their pen. Of course, the pen was needed a lot since
only Moyer threw 200 innings (and just barely at that, with 200 on the
dot). Even in a pitcher's park, a rotation that needs to be handled
with kid gloves and a pen that has already been overworked does not
bode well for the Mariners. But hey, as long as no slackers interfere
with ICHIRO'S! quest for .400, does anyone in the Northwest really
care? Didn't think so.
ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Well...at least they're not the Royals. I mean, at
least the Mariners have something in their minor league system.