2006 MLB Preview - National League Central

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL
Listed in order of 2005 finish...but if ya wanna think this is a prediction, knock yourself out.
ED = Ed Agner, BB = Bill Barnwell, PR = Phil Rippa

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

2005 RECORD: 100-62 (Won NL Central. Lost in NLCS to Houston.)

ADDITIONS: C Gary Bennett, OF Larry Bigbie, OF Juan Encarnacion, P Braden Looper, 2B Aaron Miles, P Sidney Ponson, 2B Junior Spivey, P Ricardo Rincon

DEPARTURES: C Einar Diaz, 2B Mark Grudzsdgfhjpsjohjgf, P Ray King, UTL John F'n Mabry, P Matt Morris, UTL Abraham Nunez, OF Reggie Sanders, OF Larry Walker

2005 OVERVIEW: Same old, same old. The Cardinals are the new Braves.

PR: This is the third baseball preview we here at Veteran Presence are doing. And for the third time we openly question what exactly it is the Cardinals are doing with their pitching staff. Everyone can all think that it’s all sunshine and daisies and GENIUS!!! But let’s be real here.

BB: Last year in the preview I wrote Craigslist ads for Tony LaRussa looking for the useless stuff he collects. This year, I was going to hire a double and post videos on Youtube of him walking out to and from a mound, but we spent the entire VP Discretionary Fund this year on Ed’s hair transplant and getting Antonio Alfonseca two more fingers. You can thank us later, sunglass-less ladies of Ohio.

ED: Ehh. Why question their M.O. at this point? SSDY for LaRussa and Co. Get some vets, run them hard. Get some kids, run them hard. Watch them go on the DL in a few years. Replace parts with more of the same. Yada-yada.

BB: For those who don’t know, SSDY is, I believe, a Finnish abbreviation for “Sussudio”.

PR: Chris Carpenter – deservedly or not – was the Cy Young last year. YAY! Dave Duncan worked his magic. AWW! 241 IPs just two years removed from major surgery. Dave Duncan feasts on another arm. The HUGE jump in strikeouts certainly help C-squared. The new hitter happy dimensions of Busch… maybe not so much.

ED: WINS!!! WINS!!! HOW CAN YOU DENY WINS?!?!?!?! I hope Carpenter got a nice bonus for that Cy. He can live off that while making rehab assignments for the Orioles in a couple of years.

BB: Blue Jays dumped Chris Carpenter by the way. Oh, and they would’ve had the best middle infield in baseball if they had held onto it, Michael Young and Felipe Lopez. But, well, they’re not OLD SABERMETRICS! Which is a synonym for ugly now.

PR: Mark Mulder is still Mark Mulder and that’s enough to get a hefty win total from this offense. Still, his K rate continues to decline and his walk total ain’t getting any prettier. Plus his OAVG climbed for the third straight year.

ED: On the bright side, the New Busch is supposed to favor lefties so Mulder might look a tad better, superficially. Then again, New Busch sure ain’t gonna be the Mausoleum.

PR: I am certain Jason Marquis put his requests to the designers of New Busch to make sure the walls start at approximately 560 feet. Poor Jason, peripherals go down but ERA jumps a point. Stinky stinky Braves prospect. Hopelessly adrift without Mazzone. At least Marquis can rake. So the park will at least work in his favor there.

ED: Yet another member of the Cards organization who can hit better than So Taguchi.

BB: Well it’s not like So Taguchi is Ruben Sierra or Matt Lawton out there. So the Yankees coulda traded Sean Henn for him.

PR: Jeff Suppan is literally three weeks older than me so my desire to find something humorous about him is gone. I mean, I can even say that at least my Achilles’ are stronger.

ED: Yeah, but how well can you rope-a-dope, Phil? Huh? HOW WELL?

BB: You also probably wouldn’t be the victim of a slick fielding play by David Ortiz. Remember when the Red Sox were going to lose games 3, 4, and 5 because Ortiz was such a liability at first? I think I at least got to second base one of those nights. Not game 4. Since I was teargassed that night…oh shut up Bill.

PR: Matt Morris is gone (not that necessarily is a bad thing), but when the Cards were thinking “Hmmm… who can we get to anchor this staff” they foolish thought in actually tonnage instead of talent. Hence, the signing of Sidney Ponson. Oh, I am sorry, he’s lost weight and grew out hair. He has to be good now. God, I can’t believe I ever doubted the media.

ED: Guaranteed Ponson does OK/well in St. Louis just so we’ll all have to hear one more story from Joe Buck about what geniuses LaRussa and Duncan are. GUAR-AN-TEED. Plus, you know how these kindsa things always blow up on the O’s.

BB: Well, Ray Miller already scragged Ponson’s arm at 22 (mmm…leading the league in complete games), so it should be rebuilt now just in time for Duncan and LaRussa to re-do the work and finish him off. On the bright side, Ponson’s b-r sponsorship is fantastic: “ Congratulations Sidney on being named the 5th starter for the Cardinals!”

PR: Yup, that’s right kids. Brand new stadium time in the Gateway to the West. Plowed over was the hopes and dreams and memories and ghosts of Lou Brock, Stan Musial, Rogers Hornsby, Joe Medwick, Ozzie Smith, Bob Gibson, and Jack Buck. All in the name of their fancy dancy new Busch Stadium. Before either of us starting writing about the Cards (and believe me, Ed and I did everything in our power to not write about the Cards) we were trying to guess what kind of park the Cardinals would set up. One impossibly tiny diagram tells shows us that its 339 down the lines, 400 to dead center and . Yup, this park was designed with one person in mind.

ED: Bonds. Barry Bonds.

BB: Could they plow over the ghost of Joe Buck while they’re at it? Actually could they just plow over Joe Buck? With Tim McCarver’s dead body?

PR: With Larry Walker retiring (sigh....) and Reggie Sanders not playing well in this red state, the OF is overhauled. First thought is that Tony Larussa would out think everyone and play Jason Marquis and Rick Ankiel out there. HITTING PITCHERS!!! Heck, he might have even proposed it to Walt Jocketty. That could easily explain the haste to acquire Juan Encarnacion. “Ooops, sorry Tony. Genius idea and all but I already signed this Encarnacion kid and you did kinda promise some time to So Taguchi. Tell you what – I will make sure we getcha another shiny new catcher. That sound good?”

ED: Phil denies JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ!!! CLIPPERS REPRESENT!!!! God, I love the Cards if for no other reason than they can plug a retread in there, get lucky for a week or two and think the retread is for real. Man, Brian Dayett really-really was born at the wrong time.

BB: Like you can’t let So Taguchi down easy. “I THINK WE LOST SOMETHING IN TRANSLATION SO. CAN I CALL YOU THAT? HAHA. KEEP WORKING HARD AND I’LL FIND SOMETHING FOR YOU LITTLE BUDDY”, LaRussa would scream at Taguchi thinking he would yell the English into him.

PR: Scott Rolen is making $12.5 million this year. Now my math skills are quite suspect. I mean I was able to scrap by enough on my APs to not have to take any math in college so it has been a loooonnngggg time, but I do believe that means Rolen will be making roughly $4 million a year for every torn ligament in his shoulder.

ED: Dallas Green at once is turned on by a scorched shoulder, yet repulsed by the fact that said scorched shoulder belongs to a NON-GAMER like Rolen.

BB: Often we’re attracted by the things that repulse us, Ed. That’s how I got…oh shut up Bill.

PR: Wait a second, I forgot to babble about the St. Louis bullpen. Yeah, don’t want to get yelled at from the beyond. Basically if you were in the pen in 05 and you weren’t named Jason Isringhausen, or a pasty youngster you weren’t invited back for the 06 party. Out – Ray King, Cal Eldred, Julian Tavarez and Al Reyes. In – Braden Looper, Ricardo Rincon, Jeff Nelson... oh wait, that’s right, Jeff Nelson didn’t make the team.. Some how the pressure of pitching for like the 5th best team in the Tri-State area crushed Looper and he is happy to be gone. Of course, pitching for the Cards who will get to the playoffs and then be apathetic when the team folds like a two dollar suit before the World Series should be fine for anyone. Brad Thompson and Randy Flores both have the makings of fine pitchers... until their arms are ground into mush. (What’s that? Flores was a Yankees’ draft pick? Well how can that be? NY never gives away talent! NEVER! Grr.....) And supposed stud Adam Wainwright earned himself a roster spot so he will gets some use out of the pen until the inevitable “A CARDINALS STARTER WENT DOWN! LOOK HOW INGENIUS LARUSSA WAS FOR HAVING WAINWRIGHT IN THE PEN!” stories are printed in Post-Dispatch.

ED: I’ll give Walt Jocketty this much credit – he generally realizes that a relief pitcher only has 3-4 years with LaRussa before his arm is scorched. May as well bring in fresh ligaments to tear.

PR: And I really can’t wait to see what Jeff Nelson tries to sell on E-bay this time. Ideally they will be “I can’t pitch better” shirts.

ED: I guess he wouldn’t have a Fenway Groundskeeper tshirt.

BB: I could see him selling a THE MAN THE LEGEND t-shirt.

PR: I love Albert Pujols. Easily the best player in baseball. Of course, that doesn’t stop the old bitties in my office who are already bitter that George Mason wasn’t on the SI cover look and go “Well, he is clearly on steroids.” Poor poor innocent until proven guilty.

ED: Aww, I give Pujols a free pass on the juice. I don’t give him a free pass on being younger than 40 though.

PR: Crap – Eckstein is only a week older than me? What is up with Cardinals being born in January of 1975. Is this why I am so pasty? Is this why I am not SCRAPPY!!!? Did God only allot a specific amount to be doled out per month? I got the height and Eckstein got the GRIT! and HUSTLE! and probably really hot wife?

BB: Fortunately Phil’s wife will not read this preview. Slightly less fortunately, no one will read the preview.

ED: You need to try harder, Phil. That’s it. Just try harder. People overlook your shortcomings that way. I hear. Like I would know.

PR: Two not so merry years later and LaRussa is still coasting along on past success. And upon rereading our 04 preview. One thing struck me the most. How the heck did none of us compare him to Brett Favre? Because you can even extrapolate it out to how each has their own personal jock sniffing announcer (Madden with Favre and... jeez, through a stone in a direction and I would get a name... Tim McCarver. Yeah, that works.)

ED: Like it’s worth thinking too much about either of them.

BB: Well I mean Brett Favre is really the American Alan Shearer but, well, I was saving for that the World Cup prev…ugh.

PR: Ooof... six team division and the Cardinals are still going to walk away with this – mainly due to the Astros only getting rid of one decayed part... sorta. Heck, you could morph the Central and the West and the Cardinals are coasting. So very weak National League. Oh I mean... SO BRILLIANT LA RUSSA BE!!! HE CARD!!! READ GOOD!!!

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Well, when you're the only one trying, you should win.

HOUSTON ASTROS

2005 RECORD: 89-73 (Won NL Wild Card. Won NL pennant. Swept in WS by THE UNSTOPPABLE CHICAGO WHITE SOX!!!)

ADDITIONS: P Trever Miller, OF Preston Wilson, EX-MET Joe McEwing

DEPARTURES: UTL Jose Vizcaino, 1B Jeff Bagwell?, P Roger Clemens?

2005 OVERVIEW: The usual – fell out of the race early, stormed back to take the Wild Card.

PR: How do you think the rest of the Houston starters feel when all they read is “When Roger Clemens comes back in May, the Astros will start winning” Does Roy Oswalt slip on his cammo parachute pants and ugly Superman T-shirt and shoot something? Does Andy Pettite have to drink the warm blood of a virgin to gain forgiveness for any bitter thoughts that sauntered across his mind? Does Brandon Backe stand in front of the mirror psyching himself up? “You are a good pitcher. You can pitch in the bigs. You are a handsome man.” Does Wandy Rodriguez even understand the stories? Does Taylor Buchholz... well Taylor Buchholz does nothing but check the stories to see if his name is mentioned.

ED: They all plan on having their son take them deep some day, I presume. Except for Andy Pettitte. He just plans on sending his sons on missions.

PR: Maybe this year there will actually be a Roy Oswalt bandwagon. Of course, maybe back to back 20 win seasons doesn’t deserve attention. Yeah, anyone can roll out 5 great seasons to start their career. God, if only Houston still had Roger Clemens. He was a PROVEN ACE!

ED: And here I was thinking I could not love Oswalt even more. Then he gets the bulldozer. I want to carry his baby.

BB: And you might be taller than him, which makes it even better.

PR: Ed and I ruined the Astros World Series hopes. We realized this with every fawning keystroke we made during the WS preview last year. That being said, nothing got me as riled up as the sudden nonsense that Brad Lidge now sucked because he gave up a home run. A home run to ALBERT FREAKIN PUJOLS!!! God forbid an overworked pitcher gives up a moon shot to the best player in baseball. Grr...

ED: Lidge gave up a homer to Curt Schilling?

PR: I was thinking about making some sort of Chad Qualls/DJ Qualls joke but then I honestly couldn’t remember if I had made in the past and I am too lazy to look. BTW, my favorite DJ Qualls think is that imdb makes sure to point out the times he is listed in the credits as “D. J. Qualls” I am guessing he uses the additional punctuation when he is doing a series roll.

BB: You coulda even made a DJ Qualls – DJ Houston or DJ Qualls – DJ Screw joke. But NKN.

PR: Bully for Preston Wilson. He agreed to play left field. I take it that this is some sort of prid quo pro where he plays left and Houston piles a mile of dirt under Minute Maid so Wilson can get his numbers somewhat close to his Coors days. Yes, a little part of me looks forward to PW roaming center after Willy Taveras is sent down for hitting less than his weight and trying to handle the hill. The fresh smell of snapping ACLs has to be a familiar order in Houston by now.

ED: Phil is such the optimist. Remember, this is Biggio’s town. Taveras will go down, Biggio will go back to Center and it will get really-really-really ugly.

BB: I am pretty sure the smell of fresh ACLs is what they use to wake up people who fall off the treadmill. Or play flag football. Right?

PR: Wow – Phil Garner, Cecil Cooper, Gary Gaetti, Jose Cruz. This might officially be the most depressing coaching staff in the bigs. If Mike Scott was the pitching coach, my head would be in the oven. Youth – you were so fleeting.

ED: Aww, and we didn’t even want to look at Florida’s coaching staff.

PR: Umm... not much else to see here. It’s almost the same exact team as last year... just older. Which is pretty much what we said last year. Lance Berkman, Morgan Ensberg Great. Craig Biggio, Brad Ausmus Old. Jeff Bagwell Old and Crippled.

ED: Why do you hate Jason Lane, Phil? Why?

BB: The fact that this team is already over made me so happy. FOUR TO GO!

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Something tells me there will be no need for Clemens to come out of "retirement."

MILWAUKEE BREWERS

2005 RECORD: 81-81

ADDITIONS: P Dave Bush, OF Gabe Gross, P Danny Kolb, 3B Corey Koskie

DEPARTURES: 3 TRUE OUTCOME Wes Helms, 3 TRUE OUTCOME Russell Branyan, P Wes Obermueller, 1B Lyle Overbay, P Julio Santana, P Victor Santos

2005 OVERVIEW: Hey! 500!

PR: As you may have already figured out Marc, we are referencing a lot of other previews this year. And how can you not when things that were published this year are of such... questionable repute. Easily my favorite 2006 season preview came from the Washington Post and its “Barry Bonds is the greatest player in the history of guys and needles and you better not question the Chicago White Sox”. What turned out to be number one and the best though was that the Milwaukee Brewers, while improved, will never beat the Cardinals because the Brewers don’t have any PROVEN TALENT!!! THAT’S RIGHT BEN SHEETS!!! YOU’RE OLYMPIC MEDALS ARE NO GOOD HERE!!! YOU SICKEN US PRINCE!!! YOUR DADDY!!! THAT’S WHERE IT WAS AT!!! NO! NO! NO! WE WANT PROVEN TALENT!!! KOSKIE!!! NOT VETERAN PRESENCE!!!

ED: I am saddened that the Washington Post did not jump on the SLEEPER PICK! bandwagon.

PR: Despite having a bruised butt, Ben Sheets is the stud of the staff. Of course, someone really needs to explain to me how Brian Lawrence, Tomo Ohka, Kris Benson and Wayne Garland ended up on his comp list. I guess you injury history will kinda do that to you. I was excited by Ben McDonald showing up on his Similiar by Age 26 list. SYNERGY!

ED: You are just trying to win Jooge’s favor at this point.

BB: Does that mean the Orioles are going to sign him away for a half season too? Oh – shut up Hollinger. His b-r sponsorship: “Big Ben is a Manager with ripken's Minor League Experience” What does that mean? He has managed a bunch of consecutive minor league games? He’s slept with Kevin Costner’s wife? He’s slept with Rene Russo? Susan Sarandon? Tim Robbins? What is going on?

PR: Speaking of Tomo Ohka – yup, he had a weird season. Shocker that the Nats said “Yeah – he is really helping this team keep its head above water. Let’s move him.” Then he gets to the Brewers and
suddenly he knows how to K folks and not walk them (k/9 with Nats = 2.83, k/9 with Brewers = 5.77, w/9 with Nats = 4.50, w/9 with Brewers = 1.99). Yes, his home runs jumped but that had to do more with leaving cavernous RFK than anything. And yes I am realizing that I just wrote about Tomo Ohka than ever will be all season by anyone. Well, except, for some Japanese fanboy with an odd fetish or two.

ED: Now you are just trying to win the favor of the Korean baseball cartoon guy. Suck up.

PR: The rotation of guys who will be plucked off the yahoo FA list when one is looking for cheap wins. Doug Davis is the de facto #1 until Sheets is healthy. Chris Capuano got 18 wins last year which was good enough for just under a win for every 2 home runs he gave up. But hey WINS! Oh and the warm body Milwaukee got while Sheets is on the DL – Rick Helling. I would comment but Helling was far better in his 40+ innings last year than any of the reclamation projects not named Aaron Small that the Yankees tried. Poor poor Hideo Nomo. I wonder if he has found anyone to give him directions out of Columbus yet.

ED: I think I gave him a ride to campus the other day. He was looking to be a walk-on kicker at Ohio State. Apparently he needs a new car.

BB: I am amazed your car doesn’t give you a little shock each time you drive onto the OSU campus.

PR: The Brew Crew finally stumbled across a pretty nifty closer last year with Derrick Turnbow. And his oh so dreamy hair. Mmm... oh sorry. Anyway, more importantly Turnbow, as least for the moment, keeps Danny Kolb (HEY! remember him!) out of the closer spot.

ED: ANGELS ARE IDIOTS!!! Of course, Turnbow doesn’t have the healthiest elbow in the world. Buyer beware.

BB: Honestly Ed wrote that before they gave Turnbow a new three-year deal. Oh well, if they didn’t read last year’s preview, screw them. I WAS RIGHT ONCE!!!

PR: Everything thinks Kenny Williams is the GREATEST GM IN BASEBALL!!!! now. He traded for Scott Posednick. I mean he got SPEED! SPEED I TELL YOU!!! YOU CAN’T STEAL ENOUGH!!! Anyway, the other end of that trade had been the Brewers getting Carlos Lee who pretty much the old guard’s ideal player. Ooh.... Home Runs and Runs Batted In. Pretty pretty player. What does that mean? Well that Milwaukee should be able to flip him to the Nationals in June for John Patterson. Still Carlos Lee has one of my favorite comp lists on his PECOTA card as its not too often you are going to see the names Ivan Calderon, Kevin McReynolds, Ted Kluszewski and Jeff Conine all lumped together. And Lee definitely sleeps easy at night knowing that he is at least far far handsomer than Ivan Calderon.

ED: Pretty much any outfielder other than Willie McGee can say that, Phil.

PR: Corey Koskie - .249/.337/398 - Bill Hall - .291/.342/.495
I guess the folks running Milwaukee are hoping to get disenfranchised Canadians who are willing to commute – really commute - to attend games.Why else do you sign Corey Koskie? HERO OF CANADIA! Poor poor Bill Hall. Is it because his name is too generic? He doesn’t play to the Scandinavian demo? And if they were trying to play to Canada – they have COREY HART ON THE ROSTER!!! “I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT!!!” Maybe this is just a start and they will sign Our Lady Peace so they can have a never ending stream of backups to replacement Geoff Jenkins when his leg implodes again.

ED: BILL HALL IS SUPER-UTILITY!!! Come on, Phil. That’s the other new hotness of the offseason.

PR: Well at least Jeff Cirillo isn’t still making nearly $7 million a year.

ED: Even better for him, he’s still not in Seattle.

PR: The Brewers are a nice little team headed in the right decision. The questionable decision making is being balanced out by the Top 5 minor league system. If they add just 5 wins to last year’s total, not only are the suddenly a winning team again, but they are in 2nd as the rest of the division (sans Cards) free falls around them.

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: There are reasons to like the Brewers a whole lot but this is the fall-back year before they leap forward. ’07 Brewers fans.

CHICAGO CUBS

2005 RECORD: 79-83

ADDITIONS: P Scott Eyre, P Bob Howry, OF Jacque Jones, UTL John F'n Mabry, OF Juan Pierre

DEPARTURES: OF Jeromy Burnitz, CANCER! Nomar Garciaparra, P Sergio Mitre, OF Corey Patterson

2005 OVERVIEW: Can't take the heat.

PR: Here is a check list for when you want to write your own Chicago Cubs preview

•   Make fun of Wood and Prior being hurt. Blame arm problems on overwork due to Dusty Baker
•   And face it, there is no way you will be able to complete more than 2 paragraphs without saying “if the starters stay healthy”
•   Include at least one “Dusty can handle the heat joke”
•   Juan Pierre and GAME CHANGING SPEED are phrases that should be familiar to you (for variety you can also use DISRUPTIVE SPEED)
•   Derrek Lee is really really good.
•   A great way to pad out any preview is to list all potential middle infielders that Dusty might insist on signing in midseason.
•   Simple rules to remember: the team is cursed and it is always Steve Bartman’s fault
•   The pen is always great on paper and whoever happens to be the theorized closer will never be as good as when they finally make Kerry Wood the closer.
•   Michael Barrett is a good old American boy. USA! WBC! USA!
•   DIVE TODD DIVE!!!
•   Someone is always already out for the season. Make sure to identify who this year’s cripple is.
•   Point out that because of the weak division, the Cubbies will always collect cheap wins and hang around in the wild card race.
•   But the conclusion should always lead to “They aren’t winning the World Series”

Who knows – best submission will get published on the board or something. Or we will just let you write the WTW.

ED: Sadly, I wrote up some stuff here on Saturday but apparently forgot to attach the file and it is all sitting there on my work PC. Basically, I just continued the theme Phil started. When you're bothering with the Cubs there's not point getting fancy. Meh.

BB: It turns out Ed just never saved it. That’s my excuse too.

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: FALLLLING!!!

CINCINNATI REDS

2005 RECORD: 73-89

ADDITIONS: P Chris Hammond, P Dave Williams, OUT Tony Womack, P Bronson Arroyo

DEPARTURES: MAYOR MCNICE!! Sean Casey, P Ramon Ortiz, FAT Josh Hancock, GREATEST OF EVER! Wily Mo Pena

2005 OVERVIEW: NICE IS SOOOOOOOO 04

PR: The Prologue of Godspell features various philosophers wander about belting out snippets of their philosophies. It is that moment of confusion where you are sitting in your community theater seat asking yourself “Did I really just see Thomas Aquinas and Nietzsche perform in couterpoint?” where you truly reach an understanding of what it feels like to be a Cincinnati Reds fan. “Did they just fire Dan O’Brien and replacing him with someone even stupider? And who exactly is Wayne Krivsky singing By My Side to?”

ED: Phil told me he’d doubt that Bill would get this. Phil obviously has no idea that I am in the Midwest and too have no idea what the hell he is talking about.

PR: If Kris Benson had ever played for the Reds will still with Anna, I wonder what the order would be that she would work her way through his teammates. And let’s face – I don’t think any of us would really believe she would wait till he cheated on her to start. I figure Junior would be first... because he is healthy now. Anna wouldn’t want to gamble on saving him for later. Bronson Arroyo is young and has a RING! so he is next. Adam Dunn probably is hung like horse but he wouldn’t be able to finish the first two times but then knock it out of the park the third time. Scott Hattenberg would then babble that he was featured in a best selling book. Anna would think it was a collection Penthouse letters and be thrilled. Eric Milton might as well be Kris Benson so there would have to be some degree of makeup sex going there. Brandon Claussen would then charge the room dousing everything and everyone with Holy Water shouting “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” A little shaken by the experience, Anna would do David Weathers as going with a charity case might help her conscious. Being the lover of all things NYC, Anna would think Felipe Lopez played hoops at St. John’s and he certainly wouldn’t correct her. Though on the same tip, Anna is a soccer fan and is still bitter over the 1998 World Cup. Hence, Mike Burns remains bootyless. At some point, she would sleep with Austin Kearns because Kearns lied and said he was Sean Casey and she heard that he was really nice.

ED: Yep. I’m gonna let that stand.

PR: Do cornrows play well in a red state?

ED: If you have to ask, you clearly are liberal hippy pinko scum. Go back to your CNN. Mmm, O’Reily.

PR: There is a reason Ed and I had such a hard time cobbling together a pitching staff in our weird hybrid of crappy teams. The Reds are picking from Aaron Harang, Eric Milton, Bronson Arroyo, Brandan Claussen, Dave Williams and Paul Wilson. Heck, I think the only reason Mario Soto is a special instructor is if they suddenly need someone to eat some innings.

ED: Oh, don’t get me started on my schoolboy crush on Mario Soto.

BB: Who?

PR: RIPPED from the Washington Post preview

“Biggest Bargin: 1B Scott Hatteberg: Hatteberg is a .350-OBP “Moneyball” type who will pull only $750,000 this year and is a great clubhouse guy”. Umm... I read Moneyball. I don’t remember the part where it said a .350 OBP is good.

ED: Yeah, “good clubhouse guy” means “she has a good personality.”

BB: I thought GABP wasn’t your slump-buster?

PR: So the Reds finally decide to move one of their outfielders and its Wily Mo Pena as opposed to Dunn or Kearns. Hey, that’s a plus. Except when you realize that they are still sticking Dunn in the OF and not playing him at first. We can’t block the Moneyball guy. And they clearly don’t want Dunn playing there so bad that RICH AURILIA is listed as Hatteberg’s back up on the depth chart. Poor little plucked clean minors.

ED: Plucked clean? Wouldn’t there have to be something in there to pluck clean? MC Bowdes didn’t exactly leave that cupboard full, ya know.

BB: In all fairness, Dunn being a good athlete and all would seemingly make him a decent pick for a corner outfield spot. Of course, I don’t have him on any fantasy teams this year, so for all I care, he can blow out his knee and become Mickey Tettleton.

PR: 820 – that’s the number of runs the Reds scored last year. 0 – that’s the number of NL teams who scored more runs than the Reds. 73-89 – that was the Reds record last year. WHOOPS!

ED: ARENA BALL!!!

PR: Bucky Dent is clearly the first person love living in the state of Ohio. He also must rightly think Jerry Narron isn’t much longer for this job and taking the bench coach job puts him in prime position to get the gig when Narron is canned. Of course – Dent would still be managing the Reds. Hey, it could be worse. It could be the Royals.

ED: Ohio, Missouri. However you want to spell Hell, I guess…

BB: “…first person love living” is right up there with “I lose love” or “I didn’t see Marcel tomorrow”.

PR: Speaking of the Royals – June 27 – 29. Royals @ Reds. These are not the times to promote what kinda of offerings MLB Extra Innings package delivers.

BB: Does the winner get to offer Pokey Reese a multi-year deal when he shows up again?

PR: God, why does this division have to have 6 teams?

PITTSBURGH PIRATES

2005 RECORD: 67-95

ADDITIONS: Manager Jim Tracy, OF Jeromy Burnitz, MAYOR MCNICE!!! Sean Casey, P Roberto Hernandez, P Damaso Marte, 3B Joe Randa, P Victor Santos

DEPARTURES: UTL Rob Mackowiak, P Jose Mesa, P Mark Redman, P Dave Williams

2005 OVERVIEW: Poor-poor Lloyd.

PR: People that Sean Casey is nicer than: Alan Alda, the Pope, D’Angelo Jimenez, Jesus, Mother Theresa, Ghandi

ED: I believe the joke I had before was - is niceness a stat Prospectus is tracking now? Are park effects taken into account?

BB: Maybe that is part of the NEW SABERMETRICS! God, this preview needs to end.

ED: (2:18:01 PM): CARLOS LEE IS NICE TO SEAN CASEY!!!
PR: (2:18:18 PM): awww
ED: (2:18:45 PM): 2 base error
PR: (2:19:16 PM): THE PIRATES ARE WINNING IT ALL!!!
PR: (2:19:21 PM): THE HAVE CASEY NOW!!!
ED: (2:19:36 PM): NICE GUYS FINISH FIRST!!!
PR: (2:20:13 PM): Maybe Green Day will write that song too
ED: (2:20:29 PM): Oh
ED: (2:20:38 PM): no way Casey likes Green Day
PR: (2:22:56 PM): Oh yeah - because they hate the President
PR: (2:23:01 PM): Casey wouldn't stand for that
ED: (2:23:12 PM): exactly

PR: Man – I like the Pirates far more than I should. Well, it’s probably more that they have a bunch of players who I like as opposed to the organization as a whole. (Didn’t I say this last year. Oh well) Oliver Perez is nowhere near as last year indicated. Or maybe he is now that I am firmly attached to his junk. Jason Bay is great so that means the Pirates management will try and shuffle him out of town as quickly as possible. Zack Duke should be a stud… though he will more likely end up a cripple. Damaso Marte hates Ozzie Guillen so that makes him a winner in my book. Solomon Torres finally didn’t stink so of course that means he reearns a spot on my fantasy team. And Mike Gonzalez was quite spiffy for me in which ever version of MVP Baseball I used to play. NEW GENERATION OF CLOSERS!!!

BB: Oh Mike Gonzalez is indeed fantastic in MVP Baseball. Maybe the Pirates can get Eric Chavez and Derek Jeter for him like I did.

ED: Well, Phil has singlehandedly ruined the Pirate season already. Poor li'l prospects better stay nice to Sean Casey.

PR: That is one ugly ugly infield. Not in a “try to woo the ladies type of way” but in a “yeah – that’s a big batch of sunken cost right there. Sean Casey, Joe Randa, Jose Hernandez and of course, Jack Wilson. THREE YEARS, $20.4 MILLION. THE FUTURE IS LOCKED UP!!! Meanwhile, Jason Bay is making $750K. Yup – these are the Pirates. At least the stadium is pretty… supposedly. (Yes, I am assuming that Pittsburgh is foolish enough to play Hernandez ahead of Freddy Sanchez).

BB: Well Freddy Sanchez has had all of one good stretch, three months at Pawtucket two years ago, so if anyone should like him – it’s me. And I mean, he might hit like .280/.330/.410, and you may have the poor man’s Joe Randa in a good year, but is that really something you’re looking for?

ED: Jose Castillo is supposed to have the 2B gig, Phil. And that bit about the stadium being pretty? Oof. It's in downtown Pittsburgh, Phil. Have you been to Pittsburgh?

PR: By the way, regarding Jack Wilson. I would like to know what possible games the person who wrote the Pirates blurb in the ESPN the Magazine preview was watching that caused them to say “(Wilson)’s figured out how to be productive on D and O”. STAND BACK CAREER .692 OPS! I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING NOW!!!

ED: SAC BUNTS ARE SMART BALL, Phil. Read the memos.

BB: And smart ballers are winning ballers.

PR: Hey it’s Chad “I used to manage in the big city” Tracy. I guess that’s better than rehiring Jim Leyland. Do you think that could have anything to do with PNC Park being smoke free? Anyway, Long May You Ride, Lloyd.

ED: Lloyd is neither gone - batting coach in Detroit - nor forgotten. We love you, Lloyd. Yes. We do. And I like me some Jim Tracy, but there ain't a helluva lot he can do here. But at least it ain't Cincy.

PR: Well with Jeromy Burnitz occupying space in right, I guess Craig Wilson has plenty of time to brush his hair. BRIGHT SIDE!!!

ED: And Chris Duffy is supposed to take the CF spot. That's right, the same guy who wasn't manly enough to get out of the way of St. Curt's beanball. Lloyd wouldn't have put up with that crap.

BB: Did it break up Curt’s perfect game? BUSH LEAGUE!

ED: And it wouldn't be a Pirates preview if we didn't mention Jose Mesa. Sure, Joe Table is out of Pittsburgh now, but, really - doesn't the city of Pittsburgh deserve another year of Mesa just to balance out the Steelers crap? Oh yeah. You know they do.

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: 5TH PLACE!!! WHEE!

PR: I hate this division