NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST
Listed in order of 2005 finish...but if ya wanna think this is a prediction, knock yourself out.
ED = Ed Agner, BB = Bill Barnwell, PR = Phil Rippa, MC = MC Bowdes (Jim Bowden)

ATLANTA BRAVES

2005 RECORD:  90-72 (Won NL East.  Lost in NLDS to Houston.)

ADDITIONS:  P Mike Remlinger, P Wes Obermueller, SS Edgar Renteria, C Todd Pratt

DEPARTURES: P Kyle Farnsworth, C Johnny Estrada, P Danny Kolb, 3B Andy Marte, P Lance Cormier, P Oscar Villarreal, OLD Julio Franco

2005 OVERVIEW:  Played every rookie known to man.  Won division thanks to no one else trying.  Handled by the Astros in the NLDS.

ED:  Ahh, my old friend hate.  Bill cops out of this division and we are reunited.  How ya been?  Yes.  It’s been awhile.  Your cousin disgust and I have been pretty tight lately.  But we…we’ve drifted apart.  Lotta good times we’ve had together.  Yeah.  Good times.  Funny how the Braves seem to bring us together.  Ahh.

ED:  SCOUTS!!!  MAKE UP!!!  14 STRAIGHT DIVISION TITLES!!!  SCOUTS!!!!  Oh, hate!  You never fail me.

PR: This so could have been like the Cubs section.

ED:  Leo is gone!  How can the Braves throw a ball now?  OHMYGOD!!!  

BB: Wait – Ed – I don’t know if you were aware – but they replaced him with ROGER MCDOWELL. How zany is THAT? I could totally see Smoltz throwing a coup d’ etat by June and becoming the de-facto pitching coach. Now that would rule.

PR: Aww... how would Roger McDowell earn an income then. I don’t think the hold Rock N Jock Softball games anymore?

ED:  So the slated Braves rotation in the first year, A.L., is Tim Hudson, John Smoltz, Jorge Sosa, John Thomson and Horacio Ramirez.  Which means, of course, about 7000 kids from the minors will get called up to fill spots since each one of those starters has assorted health concerns.  Obviously, dear hate, this bodes well for us because the Braves have tons of arms all over their minor league system who can easily step in and shut down the hapless sisters of the NL East.  But then Leo is gone.  Oooo, might I lose you, dear hate?  I would doubt it.

BB: Well relying on John Smoltz to pitch 220 innings is…cute, I guess, if you like watching small children stick a fork in a socket over and over again.

PR: Well if Tom Glavine wasn’t DISHONEST! none of this would be an issue. Poor poor broken hearted John Schuerholz. Oh and Thomson is working out of the pen this year as Kyle Davies is the 5th starter. HIRAM~!

ED:  Aww, Mike Hampton is still on the Braves roster.  That’s cute.  It’s the Albert Belle Memorial Spot!

PR: I am still surprised Yahoo didn’t autopick him onto someone’s team. Of course, Albert Belle might still be in their database too.

ED:  Oh yeah!  Lets not forget!  The BRAVES HAVE NO PVC!!!  NO ONE CAN WIN WITHOUT A PVC!!!  Never mind the Braves have like a gazillion arms to fill the role and will still probably do something stupid like waste Chris Reitsma there.  No.  THE BRAVES HAVE NO CLOSER!!!  NO ENTER SANDMAN!!!  NO HELLS BELLS!!!  STOP THE WORLD!

BB: Well, in all fairness, this is a stinky pen. And I know the Braves find relievers each year, but…yeesh.

PR: Oh how you have turned your back on Chris Retisma. Okay, so they moved Thompson to the pen. Mike Remlinger is a lefty so he isn’t losing his spot. Though I am sure he will have to start learning how to throw right handed to compensate for when his left arm falls off. Then there is Oscar Villarreal... yeah, 2003 was a wonderful wonderful year. Joey Devine is the CLOSER OF THE FUTURE... which probably means the third week of the season. Lance Cormier is the OTHER former D-back in the pen. Yeah... I don’t know what that’s all about either. The bullpen is completed with Blaine Boyer whose name is Blaine and he looks like a young David Weathers which officially cements... ugly ugly pen.

ED:  John Schuerholz is a genius GM!!!  He hates stats!  And college players!  He only loves country bumpkins!  Except that he drafted college pitchers in the draft last year and the Braves loaded up their farm system with all kinds of kids from Latin America.  What?  Could a horrible book be wrong?  Ahh, there you are hate!

BB: I am pretty shocked Schuerholz hasn’t tried to draft Big Boi yet. It just seems like an inevitability.

PR: Why wouldn’t he drafted Andre 3000. I easily could envision Schuerholz thinking “He has 3000 in his name! That means he will hit .3000!” I AM UNSTOPPABLE!

ED:  And so, let’s just run with the premise that John Schuerholtz is a genius.  If so, then why does this Braves line-up, for the first time in ages not have some hideous old black hole of outsucking doom?  (Well, Brian Jordan did get a ST invite, just to slake John Schuerholtz’ thirst for such.)  I mean, sure this line-up has its problems but no Raul Mondesi?  No Brian Jordan?  No Mark Lemke?  No Sid Bream?  None of those no-hitting pasty white second basemen?  What the hell happened here?

PR: Aww... Brian Jordan. Because he plays MULTIPLE POSITIONS, Bobby Cox kept the 39 year old FORMER TWO SPORT STAR on the roster. Poor poor James Jurries. Your spring numbers mean nothing here. Heck, despite being 28, you have no VETERAN PRESENCE nor PROVEN TALENT. Call us when you can drop a wideout with just your shoulder.

BB: Well, they also don’t have anyone who you’d want to point to and say – yep – this guy’s my lock. I mean, Andruw Jones hit 51 homers last year…but would you TRUST him? Of course not. Chipper is bound to go Dale Murphy at any time. I know Jeff Francouer is a SI COVER STAR!, and maybe I’m a little naïve to question him, but what happens when people throw him breaking pitches out of the zone and he struggles and we see articles about how “pitchers have finally got the scouting report on Francouer down”; does that mean the scouts are always right? Or wrong? I’m confused.

ED:  Well, the Braves were forced to cut payroll and actually use their minor league system on the field instead of shuttling them off for some lost season of some regrettable veteran.  And the pieces in place are nice but there are some of the usual Schuerholzian drawbacks.

BB: Oh no – they got the regrettable veterans for free last year. Well, sorta free.

ED:  In the infield - Adam LaRoche still doesn’t quite hit for enough pop for a first baseman, but he is just 26 and could grow into some pop – either naturally or…what have you.  Marcus Giles became the offensive threat everyone thought he would be – once Bobby Cox (THE GREAT HANDLER OF YOUTH!!!) quit messing with him – and has even turned into a great defensive player if range stats can be believed.  Chipper Jones is older than me and brutal with the glove at 3rd and coming off an injury-riddled year, but he is one of the few consistent offensive threats in the Braves line-up.  And at SS is Edgar Renteria – the most hated man to ever step foot in Boston or something – who obviously can’t be any worse than he was for the Red Sox in ’05.

BB: Yeesh…

PR: Remember that brief moment when Chipper Jones played the Outfield and it was like “Hey – we can improve our defense at third!” and the improvement was Vinny Castilla. Andy Marte weeps from whatever team dugout his offseason merry-go-round stopped at.

ED:  The Braves are going with Ryan Langerhans/Kelly Johnson, Andruw Jones and Jeff Francoeur in the outfield.  Jones, of course, CAN’T HIT FOR AVERAGE!!!  NO MVP CONSIDERATION FOR YOU!!!  Fracoeur is such a free swinger he takes hacks when telemarketers give him a sales pitch.  And Langerhans and Johnson…umm…well, Kelly Johnson’s Baseball Reference page sponsor made me giggle.  Otherwise, neither are anything special.  Bear in mind though, no matter what the Braves go with, and no matter how much those guys fail, there are like 18 similar guys in the system who will step in and do pretty much pretty much the same thing.  It’s the AOL business model – inundate people with the same crap until they’re convinced that it has to be good.  Oh yeah, and to make sure your business model succeeds, go up against a buncha dopes.

BB: Can someone mail me 45 CDs of six free months of Jeff Francouer? Is that what needs to happen?

PR: NO CREDIT CARD NEEDED!!!

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK:  Yes.  The Braves will win the division again and make another early exit in the playoffs.  Ahh, hate!  Sweet-sweet hate.
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

2005 RECORD:  88-74

ADDITIONS:  SS Alex S. Gonzalez, P Ryan Franklin, OF Aaron Rowand, P Arthur Rhodes, P Tom Gordon, P Ricardo Rodriguez, OF David Dellucci

DEPARTURES: P Aquilino Lopez, 1B Jim Thome, OF Jason Michaels, P Vicente Padilla, P Robinson Tejeda and Hank Blalock

2005 OVERVIEW:  Same old stuff from the Phils; underachieve to get a nice little hole dug, overachieve to make it look like they’re in the race then the choke at the end.

BB: OK. Let’s start with the Thome trade. They’re paying $22 million of the $46 million left on Thome’s contract – this is why you don’t give giant five-year contracts to aging first basemen, people – and in return, they’re getting a pretty serviceable center fielder for a pretty decent price ($8 million or so) over the next two years, along with a pretty good pitching prospect. That’s a lot of qualifiers. On top of that, Jason Michaels – who they had to get rid of for some reason – hit .304/.399/.415 in 300 or so ABs and played a fantastic centerfield. Aaron Rowand was at .270/.329/.407 in 635 ABs and played a fantastic centerfield.

PR: Right up until the moment, I was preparing my Kenny Lofton jokes. And then, it dawned on me that Kenny Lofton was no longer on the Phillies. Say it with me people, I am an idiot.

BB: I’m not so sure I wouldn’t have rather had Michaels starting every day in center for me instead of Rowand over the next two years, but then again, they’d still have the Thome problem. It really dismays me that the Orioles ignored the Teamfinder and didn’t gulp down the entire Thome contract and then insist they liked it and then puke it up ten minutes later in the bathroom. Oh yeah – I’ve seen too many freshman girls this semester. That’s not good.

ED:  So you’re saying Theo has Kenny on speed-dial come year 2.5 of that 4 year Papi extension, then?

BB: Oh – and – not that minor league stats matter – thanks Jeremy – but the IL MVP last year was Shane Victorino. Who plays centerfield. And hit .310/.377/.534. Just saying.

PR: Even better is that Philly traded for David Dellucci just so they didn’t have to use Victorino as their backup OF.

BB: Regardless, Ryan Howard’s spot has been cleared, and Philadelphia can finally be happy. Is he worth all that hassle? Looks like it. His Prospectus comps are pretty much staggeringly good, including Cecil Fielder and Willie Stargell’s breakout years, which even nails the race and body type, somehow. Is he flawless? No. He isn’t too worried about fielding, and he could stand to take about 20 more walks a year. I like his #2 comp as a match for him: Mo Vaughn, who eventually added some walks and became a top-15 or -20 player. Of course, I’m not sure how good the strip clubs are in Philly.

ED:  EXTREME, Bill!  EXTREME STRIP CLUBS!

PR: JUST ANOTHER NIGHT IN ECW!!! Oh sorry...

BB: I’m not sure how Bobby Abreu didn’t get traded this offseason, or what he did to piss off the entire city of Philadelphia. Was it because he wasn’t Mike Schmidt either? Does he not like going over the middle for catches? What is it?

ED:  He shows no scrap.  And he is Latino.  Give him 5 more years and he’ll be the perfect Met.

BB: Jimmy Rollins has a hit streak going ya know. I am a big fan of killing off aged legacies but Jimmy Rollins? Really? That would be like Eddy Curry dropping 104 points on Memphis one night.

PR: Isiah would immediately give Shane Battier a max contract.

BB: I know Rollins has all the pretty steals and streaks and that may make Jayson Stark giddy, but that Chase Utley guy next to him is pretty great. Of course, the Phillies were messing around with…Mickey Morandini? Sure! They were messing around with people at 2B and Utley’s already 27 and about to hit his peak. That being said, peaking at .300/.380/.580 isn’t exactly something to complain about. Power-hitting second basemen are the most underappreciated subset of player in baseball (poor, poor Mark) and if people realized how great Utley was, and he got some CLUTCH HITS!!! this year, he would be a nice little choice for MVP. Of course, this will come back to haunt me.

ED:  I really should have read your curse before I draft Utley.

PR: You really better hope Brendan takes the place holder team. I mean Pat Burrell is already there too.

BB: Well we’ve gotten this far and I haven’t brought up the pitching. That’s sort of how it would go if someone was trying to talk up the Phillies at a party, like a woman setting up a guy she met with her one-eyed friend, avoiding bringing it up for as long as possible, talking about all these other much less important things (like, say, Jimmy Rollins’ hit streak), and then springing the bad news on him and immediately apologizing for it (with things like “Wait! This could be Brett Myers’ breakout year!”, “The Yankees wished they had kept Jon Lieber instead of signing Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright!”, and “Billy Beane liked Cory Lidle once! Honest!”).

ED:  Or “Randy Wolfe: he’s like Andy Pettitte but without all that God stuff.  Or rings.  Or wins.  Or pick-off moves.”

PR: ESPN – because it runs its radio network as comically well as it does its TV network – has put Keith Olbermann on with Dan Patrick for an hour a day. So the other day, I had to pick up my son from day care early so as I am driving home, stupidly listening to ESPNRadio. Olbermann is pimping his sleeper teams (TIGERS~!) and then he says he likes the Phillies because “they have 6 Grade A-1 starters”. Not one. Not two. SIX!!!! I mean Gavin Floyd SHOULD be healthy. But wow. And even if you assume that the 5 starters (Floyd, Jon Lieber, Brett Myers, Cory Lidle and Ryan Madson) are spectacular – whose the 6th? Ryan Franklin?

BB: Sticking Tom Gordon into the closer spot isn’t a problem in the sense that he’s not a PVC!!! or anything. The problem is that his arm kinda blows up every four or five years and, well, he’s thrown 250+ innings over the last three years. Oh, and he’s 38. Well, at least they got Arthur Rhodes in the offseason, he could clo… Good luck with that.

ED:  If Tom Gordon is bitter about the NY press…HOOO BOY!

PR: Aww... at least he will deflect the hate away from Bobby Abreu.

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK:  ARENA BALL!!!

PR: Aww... another year without a championship.
FLORIDA MARLINS

2005 RECORD:  83-79

ADDITIONS:  P Todd Wellemeyer, SS Pokey Reese – whoops!, P Joe Borowski, C Miguel Olivo, 3B Wes Helms, Scads and scads of prospects from the Mets, Cubs and Red Sox

DEPARTURES: 1B Carlos Delgado, C Paul LoDuca, OF Juan Pierre, P AJ Burnett, SS Alex Gonzalez, PH Lenny Harris, P Kerry Lightenberg, P Ron Villone, P Josh Beckett, 3B Mike Lowell, OF Juan Encarnacion

2005 OVERVIEW:  Underachieved with a large payroll.  Couldn’t squeeze a dime out of Miami for a new stadium.  Killed off the team/killed off the Mets minor league system.

ED:  Our INSDIE SOURCES!!! provides us with this chat transcript from the offseason:

  Commish4Life (C)  has entered the room
  FinsArtHustla (O) how are you today?   
  Commish4Life (C) good.  good hair day today.  you?
  FinsArtHustla (O) not too bad.  goin' to vegas tomorrow
  Commish4Life (C) Oh?  what for?
  FinsArtHustla (O) business meeting
  Commish4Life (C) :-) i like the sound of that
  FinsArtHustla (O) thought you would :-)
  Commish4Life (C) BIG meeting? :-)
  FinsArtHustla (O) very VERY BIG
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmmm
  FinsArtHustla (O) :-)    i'm a wheeler and dealer
  Commish4Life (C) yeah? :-)    
  FinsArtHustla (O) yep.   
  Commish4Life (C) like the sound of that.  what are you doing right now?
  FinsArtHustla (O) cooking the books. LOL
  Commish4Life (C) Ooooooo!
  FinsArtHustla (O) that's just between us of course
  Commish4life (C) mmmm.  goes without saying.  wish you were here doing that
  FinsArtHustla (O) wish i was too.  tired of being on the phone all the time
  Commish4Life (C) tell me about it.  try talking to all those washington idiots
  FinsArtHustla (O) yeah.  you need to relax :-)
  Commish4Life (C) :-)
  FinsArtHustla (O) :-)
  Commish4Life (C) :-) i could stand to release some tension
  FinsArtHustla (O) bet you could
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmmm
  FinsArtHustla (O) bet you'd love to see what i'm doing now
  Commish4Life (C) ? :-)
  FinsArtHustla (O) got a BIG contract in my hands
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmmm.  how big? :-)
  FinsArtHustla (O) HUGE!!!
  Commish4Life (C) mmmm.  bet it's HARD to get out of your hands
  FinsArtHustla (O) :-) it can be.  suddenly got REAL STICKY all of a sudden!!!  def. needs
  to be handled delicately
  Commish4Life (C) what do you want to do with it? :-)
  FinsArtHustla (O) ;-)
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmmmm
  FinsArtHusta (O) so big.  so sticky.
  Commish4Life (C) got someone to take care of it?
  FinsArtHustla (O) yep.  got someone to take the big load :-)
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmm
  FinsArtHustla (O) got more where that came from too
  Commish4Life (C) so hot
  FinsArtHustla (O) got peeps in New York, Boston and Chicago willing to take all the loads
  Commish4Life (C) lucky.  mmmm.  love to see that
  FinsArtHustla (O) thought you would
  Commish4Life (C) they take care of it good?
  FinsArtHustla (O) uhhuh
  Commish4Life (C) need to turn on the AC in here. LOL
  FinsArtHustla (O) LOL
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmm
  FinsArtHustla (O) so close
  Commish4Life (C) love to see you move it
  FinsArtHustla (O) so close
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmm.  move it for me
  FinsArtHustla (O) SOOOOOOO CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
  Commish4Life (C) DO IT!!!  DO IT!!!
  FinsArtHustla (O) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  Commish4Life (C) Mmmmmmmm
  FinsArtHustla (O) OHHHHHHHHHH< OMAR!!!!!
  Commish4Life (C) YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  FinsArtHustla (O) BUENO!!! BUENO!!!  BUENO!!!
  Commish4Life (C) need to get some towels
  FinsArtHustla (O) MUCHO GRACIAS!!!!!
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmmmm
  FinsArtHustla (O) mmmmm, sooooo good
  Commish4Life (C) wheh!  i need a smoke
  FinsArtHustla (O) :-)
  Commish4Life (C) that was great
  FinsArtHustla (O) :-)
  Commish4Life (C) thanks
  FinsArtHustla (O) thank YOU.  gonna be back online later?
  Commish4Life (C) :-) maybe
  FinsArtHustla (O) if not.  tomorrow?
  Commish4Life (C) :-)
  FinsArtHustla (O) wanna tell you about my other BIG plans
  Commish4Life (C) mmmmm.  you wear me out! LOL

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK:  Ugh.
NEW YORK METS

2005 RECORD:  83-79

ADDITIONS:  P Jorge Julio, P John Maine, P Jose Lima, P Duaner Sanchez, 1B Carlos Delgado, OF Xavier Nady, C Paul LoDuca, OLD Julio Franco, P Chad Bradford, P Billy Wagner

DEPARTURES: P Kris Benson, P Joe Seo, P Tim Hamulack, OF Mike Cameron, C Mike Piazza, P Roberto Hernandez, P Braden Looper, entire minor league system

2005 OVERVIEW:  Malo.  Muy malo.

(With all apologies to Flea.)

omar

hola mi amigo!

(i hope that is not in street spanish.  if so, please disregard.)

as the mets head into the 06 with all kinds of changes and a new attitude, i just want you to know that i am behind you 100 per cent
viva la raza! (street spanish? my apologies)

when the announcements came with all the moves you made in the offseason i was besides myself with joy
carlos delgado, man!  he can hit a ball a country mile!
billy wagner is a testament that us short white guys can throw cheese if we wanna!
chad bradford!  man, i loved his chapter in moneyball
and loduca too!  holy gee, man!  there’s some heart & soul right there!

it’s been a tough haul as of late to be a met fan
i mean a long tough haul
since 86, man, and all the disappointments
shoulda won in 88
87 too
then the hard times of the early-90s
dallas green & jeff torborg, man – what were we thinking?
then 98 was great
shoulda won in 99
2000 still kills me
then sharp daggers in our hearts ever since
man, screw the yankees!
screw the yankees!

but now you’re the man, omar
lots of people are talking bad about you because you dealt a lot of kids and
some people are talking trash about you only wanting latino players
which we know is just hogwash
you only want the best for the mets
is loduca latino?
billy wagner?
is carlos beltran not young?  
jose reyes?
victor diaz?
anderson hernandez?
brian banister?
aaron heilman?  
step off, people
omar knows what he’s doing

it’s been a long time since i’ve been optimistic about the mets, omar
and it’s like watching a child take his first steps at this point
i want him to walk but am fearful of him falling down and getting hurt because i am human and allow negative vibes to get me
but i know the mets are not going to just walk but run right out of the gate and take the east because I trust you, omar
i trust you

i gotta admit, tho, I’m gonna miss mikey p’s smooth swing
i wish we would’ve won one for him
but i can’t think like that and let the bad vibes in
becos i believe in the mets and you omar
i believe

this is the year we finally take those dastardly braves –
man, screw the braves too!
screw the braves! –
david wright is the most amazing met i’ve seen come through since straw and doc
and jose reyes is quicker than a hiccup
and pedro, when he gets right (which he will), is still the best man to give the ball to and say carry us baby
and with wags shutting things down
and loduca keeping everyone going
man, i believe omar
i believe!

forget the haters, omar
forget the phillies and braves –
man, screw the braves! –
and yankees!
yeah screw the yankees too!
this is the year omar!
this is the year!

BB: Ed Agner, kids. When he blows up, remember when.

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK:  Malo.  Muy malo.
WASHINGTON NATIONALS

2005 RECORD:  81-81

ADDITIONS:  OF? Alfonso Soriano, P Felix Rodriguez, DH Matt LeCroy, P Pedro Astacio, 1B Daryle Ward, UTL Robert Fick, P Mike Stanton, P Ramon Ortiz, P Brian Lawrence, UTL Marlon Anderson, SS Royce Clayton

DEPARTURES: OF Preston Wilson, OF Brad Wilkerson, OF Termel Sledge, 3B Vinny Castilla

2005 OVERVIEW:  Good first half which got us lots of hate mail.  Expected fade which made us giggle.



BB: Now, as you may know, I have (by far) the most street cred of the three of us. I mean, Ed is probably grittier than me, and Phil did pull the Scenario gimmick out of the bag a few weeks ago for the WTW, but…well I am young. It’s the music of my generation, man. So when I was in New York a few weeks ago, I took the A down to Canal and went from stand to stand trying to find the Ghostface CD and a copy of V for Vendetta. While I was looking, though, this Cuban guy with giant thighs looked at me and said, “You a baseball fan mang?” I nodded my head and he turned around and began to shuffle through his bag. I wondered if he was going to finally give me the final piece of source material to write my Dolf Luque biography, but instead, he pulled out this flimsy CD-R that had a Nationals logo printed on looseleaf for a cover. Below the logo was, simply, “MC BOWDEN BOWDES 2006 JUMP-OFF”. I shot a confused look at the proprietor and he handed it to me and, suddenly in perfect English, said “I know you’re my boy to get this single around. Two steps.” With that, he gave me a pound and started trying to charm the Spanish tourist next to me into buying a rather poorly-constructed Ground Zero memorial with firefighters raising the El Salvadorian flag alongside the American one. Not knowing what to say, I just walked away and tucked it away. When I got home, I put it on my IPod and even CDDB didn’t recognize it. It’s been four weeks since then and I haven’t listened to anything else since. I would set up a torrent for everyone, but without the server space, I figured I’d just steal the transcriptions off the Original Hip-Hop Lyrics Archive site.

1.    RFK (intro)

[MC Bowdes]
Fella I’m tired of all this
This is my time fella
I strangled the game now
Luxury box livin now
Shrimp croquettes
Lobbyist with a short dress
Box seats with Ryan Seachrist
RFK I’m treatin you right now

But for real, this is my last time Marge
I’m hangin this up if this don’t work right here Marge

[Disembodied, ghostly voice of Marge Schott]
Give them hell Jimmy, even if it comes to blows
Even if you have to play those Japs and Negroes

[MC Bowdes]
No tools and you’ll end up like John McSherry
In a brick wall like Luke Perry
And that ain’t an idle threat fella
You saw what I did to Rob Bell
He had a 12-6 yakkah
Now you find him at KFC
Serving you your Chicken Snackah
And Dane Sardinha
He didn’t see ya
Cause he went and got lost in
Newport News, Virginia
Now Mookie’s Barbershop got
His Major League Deal
For some Chick-Fil-A
And a Platinum grill
Where you at Marge

[Disembodied, ghostly voice of Marge Schott]
I can’t find Schottzie, Jimmy
And I feel so alone-a
Did you try to trade him again
For Alex Ochoa

[beat drops out]
[Jim Bowden]
I’m trying to do a rap here Marge! You’re not helping! No I didn’t trade your dog for Alex Ochoa! I bought him from Japan!

[beat comes back]
[MC Bowdes]
Straight outta the Orient
You’d think I was fraudulent
Getting studs for dollaz
That ain’t be exorbitant
And we ain’t stagnating 06
Got so many tools its sick
We like the anti-Quilvio Veras
Give my man’s ACL a kiss
Where you at Marge

[Disembodied, ghostly voice of Marge Schott]
Schottzie? Schottzie???

[fades out]

2.    Soriano

[reggaeton beat]
[MC Bowdes]
We didn’t want none of that Brad Wilka-son
Got knees like Reggie Jeffa-son
Slower than Ryan Zimma-man
I’da traded him straight up for Vance Wil-son

And where he fit in this lineup by Bow-den?
Number two? He ain’t no vete-ran
Can’t control the bat like Royce Clay-ton
Can’t fly like Cristian Guz-man
That’s right, I even diversified son
I grabbed Marlon Ander-son
To compete wit Damian Jack-son
You know he plays five posit-ions?

So we upgraded like George Jeffa-son
A star straight outta Two thousand and-one
Like outfielders named Christen-son
But we got someone who can handle the sun
Straight out the Boogie Down like Michael Ray Richard-son
FI-TOOLZ on your scorecard son
7 exclusive on your scorecard like Pierce Bros-nan
Ten million George Washing-tons
Yeah I’m that boy in arbitra-tion

[John Patterson]
Wouldn’t it have made made more sen-

[alluring-sounding woman with Latin accent]
I’m your butter-pecan Rican
But only for left fielders
I’m only down with 39 home run hitters
And 40 base stealers

[John Patterson, grabbing the mic back]
I apologize in advance, I know I’m not street
But wouldn’t it have made more sense to keep
The developing guy who can actually play the outfield
Instead of a malcontent who can’t actually leap?

[MC Bowdes]
Enough out of you pasty fella
I’m the ultimate buyer and sella
More transactions than Phil Rippa
Now hear FI TOOLZ tell ya

[Alfonso Soriano]
Yo no juego “outfield”.
Soy un segundo hombre de la base por comercio.
Usted habría podido pedirme esto de antemano.
Le habría dicho.

¿Puedo firmar con los ángeles todavía?

[An obviously not Spanish-speaking MC Bowdes]
Jose Guill-en Guill-en Guill-en
Jose Guill-en Guill-en Guill-en…

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: George Bush hates toolsy outfielders. The Nationals hate nice things like wins, stadiums, and their fans. Jim Bowden will help them with that.