G 2006 MLB Preview - National League West

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST
Listed in order of 2005 finish...but if ya wanna think this is a prediction, knock yourself out.
ED = Ed Agner, BB = Bill Barnwell, PR = Phil Rippa

PR: Yeah, picking this division to be the first one I write is not one of my finer decision. Ooof... this is kinda like the SATs isn’t it, where everyone was given 50 wins just for fielding a team.

BB: I wonder what replacement level on the SATs is. And whether that could’ve got me into Northeastern just the same.
SAN DIEGO PADRES

2005 RECORD: 82-80, Lost in the Wild Card Round

ADDITIONS: Mike Piazza, Chris Young, Mark Bellhorn, Dewon Brazelton, Vinny Castilla, Alan Embree, Shawn Estes, Doug Mirabelli, Termel Sledge

DEPARTURES: Adam Eaton, Ramon Hernandez, Brian Lawrence, Sean Burroughs, Akinori Otsuka, Xavier Nady, Mark Loretta, Joe Randa, Chris Hammond, Rudy Seanez

2005 OVERVIEW: Won the NL West because someone had to. Handled by the Cards in the NLDS.

PR: Wow, this is Bruce Bochy’s 12th season with the club. He sure is getting a big batch of credit for 1998 isn’t he. Well and for being in a really poopy division. I have to imagine that he and Marty Schottenheimer must run into each other at some sort of San Diego gay pride fan fest jamboree and their conversation involves them figuring out which one was actually more succesful. “I HAVE A WINNING RECORD!!! WELL AT LEAST I HAVE BEEN TO A CHAMPIONSHIP!!! YOU COULDN’T EVEN SPELL CHAMPIONSHIP!!! YEAH! BUT MY MUSTACHE IS FINER!

ED: OK. I am confused. Did Marty grow a moustache all of a sudden? I honestly can’t picture Mary growing a ‘stache completely. I figure he’d get to the wispy stage then something will happen – like he will fumble his razor when shaving his beard or something – and he will be stuck with some sort of Hitler ‘stache. Why am I wasting these Marty jokes here and not saving them for the AFC West in August?

BB: I could see Marty goose-stepping out to yell at a ref or Larry Johnson or a piece of paper floating in the wind and the old Sunday Night Football crew giving him the Baron Von Raschke treatment. HE IS A MAN LED BY HIS ARM! HE CAN’T HELP HIMSELF!

PR: Just in case Ed has forgotten, their ballpark is only three years old.

ED: Ooo, GUARANTEED SUCCESS!

BB: I have the feeling there are gonna be a whole lot of capital letters in this preview.

PR: Let’s see – they finally moved Sean Burroughs. Adam Eaton and Akinori Otsuka were shuffled off in the baffling deal with Texas. Brian Lawrence was actually on another team when he arm went to shrapnel. Mark Loretta apparently was only equal in value to Doug Mirabelli. That’s a big batch of our 2005 material walking out the door.

BB: I should really save the “Red Sox player housewives will watch Red Sox recap shows when they are lonely in the mid-afternoon for in 2006” piece for the AL East.

PR: Oh wait – Dave Roberts resigned. And they signed Dewon Brazelton. They TRADED??? for Vinny Castilla. Well know – it’s not so bleak anymore. On the joke front that is. Very very bleak on the actual field.

ED: Hey! They added Bellhorn too! Not like they actually want him to play. But they added him.

BB: Maybe it’s because they want to teach their players to be aggressive at the plate. “See! If you don’t swing the bat, you’ll end up like that guy – no one talks to you and you get waived six months after you’re a World Series hero and a middle infielder with clout that cost a million bucks. SWING THE BAT NADY!”

ED: Wow! Why would the Pads want to do that for Nady after he was sent to the Mets?

PR: Hey, Kevin Towers is the GM. Has been the GM for a loooooooong time. Someone will have to remind me why I am supposed to pimp him. Maybe it is because he never got to see Mike Piazza play last season. Which is clearly the only reason signing Piazza would seem like a good idea. I mean, I’m sorta Italian and have creaky legs and could probably have a .320ish OBP. It’s not like I could possibly let anymore people run on me.

ED: Maybe Kevin Towers is a cowboy too?

BB: Or a pizza delivery guy?

PR: Well Piazza did want to play on the West Coast. I am guessing he didn’t want to play in San Francisco because he was afraid of the non stop “I wish I knew how to quit you” barbs he would hear.

ED: Something tells me Mike Piazza will curse that movie until he dies.

PR: Hey, Kevin Towers is the GM. Has been the GM for a loooooooong time. Someone will have to remind me why I am supposed to pimp him. Maybe its because he eschews new, less traditional thinking. He loves himself the runs batted in. I mean it’s not that long ago that Vinny Castilla lead the league in RBIs. So now they have third base secured… for at least a couple of weeks. It’s kinda amusing that Brian Lawrence is done for the year and the Nats could still end up being the winners of that deal.

ED: Jim Bowden: New Jack Hustla.

BB: He’s the OG of five tools, taking more-qualified GMs to school, now he changed the game, puts your whole lineup to shame with ath-a-letes who all…oh shut up Bill.

ED: PAAAAAASTY!

PR: Poor poor Walter Young. I mean its obvious the Orioles weren’t going to keep him around once he started showing some promise. I mean they needed to COWBOY UP! And they couldn’t possibly take Jeff Conine’s engraved roster spot away. So of course he goes to the Padres where you think he could have a monster rookie year. Of course – Ryan Klesko is still there to muck up the works. Oh and Piazza might need to rest from all that catching he will be doing. Has Towers signed one of Steve Garvey’s kids yet? I mean one of them HAS to be old enough to be in the bigs now.

BB: Or be President. Wait – I mean – who’s Steve Garvey?

ED: Walter can cry on Adrian Gonzalez’ shoulder. Of course, what are the odds that Klesko won’t get hurt and one or the other will not get significant playing time? About the same as no one cracking a Brokeback Piazza joke, I assume.

ED: Throwing in a conversation to pad out the piece:
Me: Oh this headline is rich
Me: Josh Barfield has his dad's number to go along with big league job
Me: I read that as has his dad's numbers
Me: And I was like,
Me: Oh, Phil doesn't want to think about Jesse Barfield's Yankee numbers
Phil: Well this is how stupid I am - I didnt know Jesse was his Dad
Phil: Shoot - now I will have to do a FPOTM there
Me: WHAT?
Me: You didn't know Jesse was his dad?
Phil: Nope
Me: hah
Phil: I mean I should have guessed because it seems like every player from my youth suddenly has a kid in the bigs or on the verge of being in the bigs

PR: KHALIL GREENE DOESN’T WALK ANYMORE!!! HE SUCKS!! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE!!! DIE NON-SABER HERO!!! DIE!!!

BB: Well that is better than last year’s fawning Prospectus piece on him. “Greene is the soft-spoken, blonde locks-sporting urchin who takes you into the weight room and has you gasping as he lifts Mo Vaughn-like weights with ease, then dazzles you on the field with his whip-like swing and emerging power. And that's before we discuss his defense. Oh, that defense.” It goes on but you have to figure they’ve already finished by then.

ED: Maybe he was distracted by Sean Burroughs. You know, he thought, “Hey, Corky! Loved you in ‘Life Goes On’! How did you remember all your line-- Aww, crap! I’m already down 0-2?”

PR: Patti LuPone does not approve of this joke.

PR: I could analyze the Padres outfield but sadly the best I got occurred in this conversation I had with Ed:
PR: (3:09:00 PM): and wasn’t Mike Cameron on the Padres last year when he killed himself
ED: (3:09:40 PM): well, he was in San Diego
ED: (3:09:45 PM): but as a Met
PR: (3:09:56 PM): aww...
PR: (3:10:10 PM): it all ran together
ED: (3:10:56 PM): aww
ED: (3:10:58 PM): bad pun
PR: (3:11:14 PM): Aww... sadly that is the funniest thing I will write and I didn’t even try

BB: I…I was in Las Vegas when Mike Cameron killed himself. Oh, MGM Grand sports book bigscreen. We shared a moment, did we? So what if I got a mean look from the old white woman and her husband (thinking, probably: “Go get some color you pasty punk”) for laughing out loud at the skull fragments flying around? It was worth it.

PR: Jake Peavy is the ace of the team. So of course being thrust into the WBC and because, well Bruce Bochy is managing the staff, his arm will be duct taped together by August. I’m not ready to anoint Chris Young the second coming but pitching in PETCO should help. Or he could flame out in the second half of the season… again. And speaking of Botchy, he wants to put newly minted PVC! Chan Ho Park in the rotation. That will be cute. Woody Williams is still around to give you a reliable…umm… well… no not that… well Williams can still throw… sorta. Then you can take your pick of Shawn Estes, Dewon Brazelton and anyone else I could name now who would be cut before the preview is actually released. BTW, as of right now, Estes is the only lefty on the pitching staff. Aww… remember when all the media could talk about how the Yankees had no lefty starters? Yeah – I enjoy lazy journalism too.

ED: I am assuming that Towers is prescribing to the “anyone can pitch in Petco” theory and is testing that out with…anyone, everyone, no one in particular. He clearly seems to be trotting out anyone who ever threw a baseball before for the 2-5 spots in the rotation. Will Dave Dravecky get the call from the Lord for a right handed comeback? Will LaMar Hoyt get out of jail and get an invite? Will Eric Show come back from the grave? Come on, I saw Fernando at the WBC. No way he couldn’t still make the Padres rotation.

BB: Ed…um…just so you know…Dave Dravecky has arm cancer. Still. And I read that as Eric Snow and I was both really freaked out you had made an Eric Snow reference and wondered why he would be pitching for the Padres.

PR: Not that anyone from the Padres or from the West Coast is reading this but playing Hell’s Bells from Trevor Hoffman does nothing but remind everyone of how freaking old Hoffman is. Does anyone in San Diego actually listen to AC/DC anymore? Heck, does anyone, outside of probably Ed and I guess Pieman, listen to AC/DC anymore? If Angus Young ever calls Padre HQ looking to be allowed into the clubhouse to hang with the boys and he gets the 23 year old, vegan receptionist who hasn’t showered in a week and has to pause the latest Anna Nalick diddy on her Ipod to take the call – I want a copy of that conversation.

ED: Yep, me and unwashed vegan women. There’s the first time that connection has ever been made.

BB: I really should’ve just told 30 stories about unwashed vegan women and had that be my preview.

PR: All things being equal – at least they did trade Sean Burroughs. BRIGHT SIDE!!!

ED: Obla-di, obla-da.

PR: 2006 OUTLOOK: Hey, it's the West. That means automatic contention. Well unless you are the Rockies.
ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

2005 RECORD: 77-85

ADDITIONS: Johnny Estrada, Miguel Batista, Orlando Hudson, Orlando Hernandez, Jason Grimsley, Damion Easley, Eric Byrnes, Juan Cruz

DEPARTURES: Troy Glaus, Javier Vazquez, Royce Clayton, Shawn Estes, Tim Worrell, Matt Herges, Alex Cintron, Brad Halsey

2005 OVERVIEW: Somehow kept a horrid team in the race all season. Of course, this is the NL West. Even the Rockies were in the race.



PR: Formerly owned by Jerry Colangelo, the team had its star player get hurt, possibly missing the entire season. Team rallies. Leads division by wide margin. Plays entertaing ball night in and night out. Oh... that’s not the Diamondbacks? My bad.

PR: Bench coach likes to throw cash. Former player turned man in charge denies knowing anything about it despite actually knowing something about it. Wife of said former player turned man in charge really really likes to throw cash. Oh... that’s not the Diamondbacks? Whoops.

PR: Crappy team FINALLY tries to change its fortunate by signing top flight free agents... and apparently anyone who played for the Giants. Oh... that’s not the Diamondbacks. Hmmm...

PR: WE HAVE TITLES!!! WE HAD A SUCCESSFUL 2001!!! OUR COACH HAS BEEN HERE FOREVER!!! Oh... that’s not the Diamondbacks. I am a fool.

PR: Nicknamed after a snake, this team has had its struggles too. But thanks to a pathetic division out West, .500 can make you a contender too. Oh... that’s not the Diamondbacks either? I give up.

ED: This is the Phil hates Marc section. Bill and I should just leave this be.

BB: Isn’t there a chat conversation we could paste in here?

PR: Someone send up a flare when Arizona figures out exactly what they are doing for roster construction. I mean just two years ago, these were the people we least as Key Additions (with Key Additions clearly being a loosely used term):

Richie Sexson – those were some… well… yup 90 ABs in an Arizona uniform.

Casey Fossum – pitched one year in the desert. Just long enough to post an ERA+ of 67. Aww… poor little prospect.

Brandon Lyon – 2nd best pitcher on the active roster but not the best pitcher named Brandon on the staff. Of course, is a borderline cripple.

Shayne Reynolds – Made one horrific start. Blew out his knee… after having rotator cuff issues. Now retired.

Steve Sparks – aww… he threw the KNUCKLER~! Not very well but he threw it.

Brent Mayne – Last half the season and then was included in the Steve Finley deal. FUTURE TALENT!

Roberto Alomar – hehehehehehe. HALL OF FAMER! Actually was having a good season with a 117 OPS+ and everything. So Arizona decides to move him in August to the White Sox for basically a box of balls. THAT KENNY WILLIAMS CAN OUTFOX ANYONE!!!

Greg Colbrunn – Clearly upper management thought Colbrunn’s injury problems were all in his head.

Jim Parque – never threw a pitch for the club

PR: So of that entire list, only Lyon is still on the active roster and there is chatter that he will be cut loose because he isn’t fully healthy.

ED: Brandon Lyon not healthy? Odd.

BB: Maybe he hung out in Newcastle over the offseason. Everyone there’s sick, too.

PR: Good Afternoon Diamondback supporter. I just wanted to remind you that we have 2 stud outfielders by the names of Carlos Quentin and Chris Young and some swell Shortstops named Justin Upton and Stephen Drew (you might have heard of their brothers). But no worries folk, you won’t have fret about missing seeing them play. They would be on the big club for a long time. All your favorites like Luis Gonzalez and Shawn Green and Craig Counsell will be here forever. Make sure you renew your season ticket package!

ED: Phil seems to regret that a team needs to appeal to its demographics. Latin player who is not in your face with his Latinness? Check. Old Jewish man? Check. Scrappy little everyguy? Check. Secret agent bat stealer? Check. Old basketball player? Check.

BB: And Phil doesn’t understand that Craig Counsell at $1 carried my NL team last year. CHEAP STEALS! OLD WHITE GUY COMING THROUGH!

ED: Phil Hates Marc, Part 2: Phil tells me that Marc will kill him if he doesn’t mention Conor Jackson’s spring training homer that hit a bee’s nest which caused the bees to attack Nick Swisher. Does Phil mention this? He does not. Phil hates Marc.

BB: Wait – wa….that’s beautiful. I can’t do anything with that. You have to assume it was the WRATH OF BELLHORN that attacked Swisher. SWING THE BAT SWISHER!

PR: Yeah – that Arizona outfield has quite the inoffensive pastiness going for it that will please the locals. Yup... that last line was all a set up so I could make a joke about how Luis Gonzalez has been playing there long enough that he is now white. Yup – completely forgot he was born in Tampa and went to school at South Alabama. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

BB: Phil just flat-out steals my joke from the Twins section. Shame on you, old fella.

ED: Phil also fails to mention the WET DREAM OF SCRAPPINESS in CF!!! Eric Byrnes AND Jeff DaVanon? And with Counsell already there? Yeah. Many an Aryan nation member will rub one out to D-Backs games this year. Or at least Chris Berman.

PR: I have no faith in any major league manager, hence my belief that all my favorite pitchers will no longer be pitching by the end of the season. Long may you ride Brandon Webb. Hey, Brad Halsey is quite the... umm... former Clipper. I am guessing El Duque will just spending his time mocking the 93 Dominicans on the staff about the World Baseball Classic. Russ Oritz – can’t be any worse than last year. BRIGHT SIDE!!!

ED: Phil writes that and Halsey gets sent to Oakland. That’s the way we roll. Sadly, the D-Backs could actually have used Halsey, since at best he is league average and that is oodles better than Russ Ortiz has been as a D-Back. And in return, the D-Backs got Juan Cruz who was terrible with Oakland last year – in a pitcher’s park. Is Joe Jr. still running this team?

BB: He was pretty nifty in AAA. Which is where I presume the Diamondbacks will stick him, so this trade makes total sense.

ED: Phil gives up so easily. This is, aside from the slagified Brandon Webb, an awful-awful starting staff. But to make things even worse, the D-Backs decided – Hey, let’s put together the worst possible fielding outfield we can think of! Hey! Let’s have a left side of the infield that can’t get to anything! Hey! Let’s do this all in a hitter’s park! Fans love those softball scores! Whee!

BB: Hey, it worked for the Yankees.

ED: Phil Hates Marc, Pt. 3: Phil has not yet kidnapped Craig Counsell so that Stephen Drew can take over at SS. Why do you hate Marc, Phil? Why?

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Well…yeah. Umm. When the D-Backs can send some of those old horses to the glue factory in favor of some of their better talent in the minors, things will be better. But that pitching…Ouch.
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

2005 RECORD: 75-87

ADDITIONS: Matt Morris, Steve Finley, Tim Worrell, Steve Kline, Jose Vizcaino

DEPARTURES: LaTroy Hawkins, Edgardo Alfonzo, J.T. Snow, Brett Tomko

2005 OVERVIEW: Old. Broken down. Hacking Latinos. Hurt Barry. Expected disaster.


PR: Barry Bonds. Steroids. Barry Bonds. Roids. SI. Roids. Bonds. Cream. Roids. Ruth. Clear. Pedro Gomez. Roids. Ugliest Serena Williams. BALCO. Cycling. Bonds. GREATEST PLAYER EVER!!! Sports Illustrated. Steriods. WBC!!! Bud Selig. Juice. Gimpy legs. Roids. Victor Conte. Needles. Congress. HGH. Giant melon. Steriods. 755. Barry Bonds.

PR: Crap, you mean I have to write more about the Giants than that?

ED: See, if this were an audio-visual presentation, I would just play “The Man Whose Head Expanded” and be done with it.

PR: So when the Giants were looking to “improve” their team this offseason was the #1 objective “let’s make sure we can get the group rate when these guys – especially the pitchers all break down at the same time”. Of course, maybe they just like that special kinda crazy that only Tim Worrell can bring.

ED: At this point, convincing Todd Worrell to come out of retirement would not be beyond the Giants, I am thinking.

BB: If I saw an article where Brian Sabean revealed his entire scouting strategy was playing RBI Baseball, I wouldn’t even bat an eye. That would make total sense to me.

PR: I heart Matt Morris to a ridiculous degree but I can’t be the only one who noticed that he throws as fast as I do now. No, no, pay no attention to the declining K rate. (Yes, this is a pathetic attempt to reverse jinx him into being good so when I draft him in the 3rd round it will all be worth it.)

ED: Yes, but if that would work, your drafting of Nick Johnson in the first round would still work as the regular jinxing deal and you would still be miserable.

BB: In all fairness, they could replace Morris with Doyle Alexander or Ken Dayley and receive comparable velocity and production. Ooh – maybe I will need to pick people from RBI Baseball in the archetype dead pool.

PR: Yes kids, the Jason Schmidt honeymoon could be coming to an end any moment. At least Felipe Alou managed to lower Schmidt’s average PC to 105 from almost 112. BRIGHT SIDE!!!! I am kinda hoping that Schmidt will sense when he is going to throw his last pitch a fling it into Felipe’s face. And then Moises will appear out of the ether, lumber up, pee on his father’s face in the name of healing and it will be the most awkward golden shower ever.

ED: Yep. There is nothing Bill and I can do to this piece now.

BB: Oh yeah. No golden showers in RBI Baseball.

PR: You know... I might bring that special kinda crazy that Tim Worrell has.

ED: I think the above might prove that point.

PR: Poor poor Steve Kline. Had a monsterous 2004. Clearly told his agent to take the highest deal. Which of course came from the Orioles. Instead of treating him with kid gloves, Baltimore smacked him around with all the delicacy of a 400 lbs behemoth trying to mash his keyboard quickly enough to ensure that he can view the questionable photos on facebook. This dissolving of that relationship was a highlight for me last year as the Washington Post (in full on Angelos hate mood) would pick the scab daily by always being the first to interview Kline. So very very bitter.

BB: In all fairness, Kline was only 32. He was way too young to be an Oriole.

PR: Ed and I would like to thank the Giants though for one thing – the outfield. Their beautiful, beautiful, old outfield.
Barry Bonds – 41
Steve Finley - 41
Moises Alou – 39
Randy Winn – 31

And Winn makes up for his – relative – youth by having signed that 3 year, $23.25 million extension. SPEED!!! (Aww... I am questioning Brian Sabean’s decisions a lot. I will never be over as a writer now.) One would have to guess that Todd Linden sneaks up on them while they are napping and startles them in the hopes of inducing a heart attack... though Bonds is working on that in his own special way.

ED: God, that is beautiful. So very beautiful. Not as beautiful as that Finley article that firejoemorgan.com dissected but still beautiful.

PR: Hey, J.T. Snow is FINALLY gone. Lance Niekro the job is all yours. You might want to think about taking a pitch every once in a while. God, Neikro’s MLB bio is full of lots of damning with faint praise, like “did nearly all of his damage prior to All-Star Break”. And they then proceed to rattle off all the rookie records he ALMOST broke and then name drop questionable folks like Dave Kingman and Shawon Dunston. Maybe he really should have perfected that knuckler.

BB: Well at least Kingman is in RBI Baseball.

ED: At this point, I would not be above calling up Kingman or Jack Clark for a shot at first base over the dreck they have.

BB: Duh.

PR: The rest of the infield is Pedro Feliz, Ray Durham and Omar Vizquel. With Jose Vizcaino there is fill in when hips need to be realigned. Whoa.... hold the phone. MLB did not just call Durham one of the premier offensive catalysts in all of baseball? Yeah, I am think these bios are going to be my go to this year instead of baseball reference sponsorships. These are borderline random diamond notes.

ED: Ugh. Well, as long as they don’t touch Barry’s recliner, I guess. This organization needs to scorch and rebuild, badly.

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Steroids. Bonds. Lotsa losses. Steroids. Etc.
LOS ANGELES DODGERS

2005 RECORD: 71-91

ADDITIONS: Grady Little, Nomar Garciapara, Danys Baez, Kenny Lofton, Rafael Furcal, Lance Carter, Jae Seo, Bill Mueller, Brett Tomko, Sandy Alomar Jr.

DEPARTURES: Paul DePodesta, Jim Tracy, Milton Bradley, Jeff Weaver, Edwin Jackson, Wilson Alvarez

2005 OVERVIEW:  Plaschke kills the computer boy.

PR: One would assume that Kenny Williams would approve of all the Dodger manuvering these last few months. DEATH TO SABERS!!! Kenny fully supports the Grady Little regime but probably would have preferred Bill Plaschke.

ED: I don’t think Plashke is quite crazy…err…colorful enough for Kenny. Maybe Pedro’s little Midget friend? Carl Everrett? Rob Dibble?

PR: Kenny Williams must also approve of the fact that the Dodgers just went hog wild on PVCs. Eric Gagne (CANADIAN HERO!!! is, in theory, healthy), Yhency Brazobán (05 closer in place of Gagne), Danys Baez (at least 25 saves for the last three years), Lance Carter (Hey, 20 saves in 2003 counts), Tim Hamulack (journeyman closers count) and Franquelis Osoria (SORTA INTERNATIONAL MINOR LEAGUE CLOSER!)

ED: Aww, but Kenny builds teams that DON’T NEED BULLPENS!!! Phil obviously pays not attention to SMART BALL!!!

BB: No sir. Apparently the Dodgers wanted to be more like the Tigers. Lance Carter is a former all-star, by the way. No one read that article apparently.

PR: It’s clear that everyone in the Dodgers organization things that Hee-Seop Choi is actually Kaz Tadano. Why else would they be bringing in crippled, neurotic guy who has never played the position? I will at least assume that Nomar has the piece of tail. BRIGHT SIDE!!!

ED: The beauty of us working on this at the last minute is that we tend to be fresher with the rosters and stuff. Of course, we can also doom anyone out of an organization at the last minute too. Like Phil did with Hee-Seop Choi.

BB: Like he is going to get more than 70 ABs from Francona. If Petagine had no chance, Choi has a negative chance. They’re going to find Schilling forcing him to do shots of Mountain Dew again while Choi cries and guzzles.

PR: Aww… Cesar Izturis is getting himself healthy quicker than the Dodgers want him too. Now, granted they already plan on moving him to second since they did shell out a billion dollars to Rafael Furcal but I can’t wait for that conversation with HOSSTASTIC!!! Jeff Kent. Though you and I both know that there is no way Furcal and Izturis speak the same language as Kent.

ED: I bet Kent knows the Spanish for “Wash my truck, Chico.”

BB: Maybe ESPN can do the “Sounds of the Game” feature with two middle infielders speaking Spanish again. Just when I think I make fun of them too much…

PR: So Derek Lowe loves the lady sports reporters. Guess that’s why Scott Erickson got out of Dodge. I wonder if Lowe would crotch chop after sleeping with Lisa Guerrero.

ED: Well, that makes up for some joke I stole from Phil somewhere else.

PR: The LA rotation is well… hmmm… well that got some guys. Lowe is the defacto #1 guy. Brad Penny apparently is healthy. I love Odalis Perez so that explains his career derailment (though it is an even year so his ERA+ should be like 126). Then you have Brett Tomko, Jae Seo and Aaron Sele all mucking up the works for the back end of the rotation. It’s amazing how ever after getting rid of Jeff Weaver, how ugly that staff looks. Nope, we are too good for Edwin Jackson. Yup, good riddance.

ED: Old is the hotness in the NL West, Phil. Old and sucky.

BB: Three years ago the Dodgers had a buncha awesome pitching prospects…and now they have a buncha more awesome pitching prospects. The first batch never did anything. Let’s just say I’m not too hopeful about the second batch.

PR: How silly of me? Of course the staff will be fine. They are now pitching to the FUTURE~! Come on, the Dodgers have so much confidence in Dioner Navarro that they brought in Sandy Alomar Jr. I mean no self respecting team would still bring in Alomar if they actually thought he had to play. Wait… Navarro already got hurt in spring training? Aww… did Depo take Charles Johnson’s phone number with him when he left?

BB: OK, let’s talk about this. Do you think Depodesta has left his apartment since he was fired? Since Simmons steals from us let’s return the favor some more – is it really like the end of Singles? (Of course – Simmons used it to describe Neyer during a baseball strike which is a little anachronistic but infinitely funnier)

ED: CLIPPERS, REPRESENT!!! I assume Dioner and Ricky Ledee will sit around the clubhouse talking fondly about their days in the American Midwest. How they would look fondly upon the rows and rows of corn and bean fields. How they would watch America rust before their eyes. And then thank their Good Lord that they are in LA.

PR: Clearly the General Managers of the National League West have made a pact to assemble the most questionable talent imaginable to play the outfield. This is what the Dodgers are choosing from. If you were going to base it on 2005 numbers, you would be picking from…
Player
 2005 At-Bats
 BA/OBP/SLG
 HRs
J.D. Drew
 252
 .286/.412/.520 15
Ricky Ledee
 237
 .278/.335/.443 7
Jayson Werth
 337
 .234/338/374 7
Jason Repko
 276
 .221/.281/.384 8
Jose Cruz
 370
 .251/.364/.473 18
Kenny Lofton
 367
 .335/.392/.420 2

And a rookie (Andre Ethier) and a guy (Cody Ross) with 25 ABs last year.

PR: Of course, with Grady Little in charge, he will think “WOW!!! Kenny Lofton is knocking the cover off the ball. I am gonna ride him hard and long.” He’s a young 39! RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!!! And of course – Jose Cruz will be just good enough to not be bad but nowhere near the potential that was touted for him. And JD Drew will play until he gets crippled and then Ricky Ledee will come in and make me giggle about the times he was on the Yankees.

ED: Sadly, I pretty much wrote up the exact same thing before I scrolled down to see Phil’s bit. Stupid stealing my thunder.

BB: They sadly got rid of .247/.300/.339. Poor poor Depo.

PR: And now a moment for an actual VP conversation:
ED: (1:23:34 PM): god
ED: (1:23:42 PM): who is the dodger's manager?
PR: (1:23:46 PM): HA!
PR: (1:23:48 PM): You dont remember?
ED: (1:23:50 PM): hehehehe
ED: (1:23:51 PM): nope
ED: (1:23:56 PM): i am blanking
PR: (1:23:58 PM): hehehehe
PR: (1:24:01 PM): Grady Little
ED: (1:24:05 PM): HAH!!!!
ED: (1:24:09 PM): aww

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Well, all the people the LA media hated are gone. And in their place a whole lot of questions marks. Something tells me the team trainer is going to be one busy man. God, even Kevin Towers doesn’t love cripples this much.
COLORADO ROCKIES

2005 RECORD: 67-95

ADDITIONS: Jose Mesa, Ray King, Yorvit Torrealba

DEPARTURES: Dustin Mohr

2005 OVERVIEW: You know the Rockies routine by now.


PR: Well at least they didn’t lose 100 games. BRIGHT SIDE!!!

ED: Should’ve went with the Mad Libs again, Phil.

BB: Couldn’t we forget them this year?

PR: They are still playing in Coors? Yeah... we probably have covered everything there is to say over the last 2 years.

ED: Umm…Jake Plummer is still not a good QB? They never win playoff games? Rockies-Broncos, like there’s a difference.

PR: One of the Rockies few offseason moves was to sign a guy who was bitch slapped from beyond the grave. Another one is out for at least half the year, probably the entire season and might have to retire. I am still going to take the trash talk from the dead as being worse.

ED: Like I haven’t already stolen that idea and written up my own obituary to talk trash on a whole lotta people when I go. That and what will be on my IPod when I am in the grave. I can be both bitter and hip.

BB: Mmm…sweet sweet mix of Hunter S. Thompson and GAMMONS!!! In your honor, Ed, I will do a line of coke off a $20 with your face on it.

PR: I am pretending that this Mike DeJean is a different Mike DeJean. Maybe it’s really Byung-Hyun Kim trying to hide from the Japanese media. Of course – if BYK was trying to hide he could just pretend to be Chin-hui Tsao. Not like anyone else in Colorado has seen him pitch.

ED: Why BYK would hide from the Japanese media is beyond me. I will leave that to Phil to explain. I saw a D. Cortes listed as one of the Rockies pitchers and was hoping it was Dan Cortese. ROCK N JOCK HERO!!! God, the Rockies are dull.

PR: Last year, Bill claimed to not know who Clint Barmes was. Amazing what hauling some deer meat will do. Brian Griese still wishes he was that smart.

BB: Let me just say I definitely know who Dan Cortese is. Do you think he still hangs out with Coolio? You’re right. Of course he does.

ED: Hey, Brian Griese is out of Denver, isn’t he? Doesn’t seem so dumb to me.

PR: Easily the meanest thing I read this offseason, was the Rockies own outfield coach – Dave Collins – burying Choo Freeman. “He knows, it’s time to perform or go to the 7-Eleven.” Poor poor little former top prospect. At least Baseball America liked him better than Ed Yarnall.

ED: Todd Helton is still the best QB in Colorado.

PR: You sure they don’t have that pressurized doom yet? Oh well.

ED: Why does the Rockies doom need to be pressurized?

BB: No editing necessary. I give up.

PR: Oh yeah – Bill already wrote FPOTM on David Nied and Howard Johnson. That’s plenty for a 10 year old franchise.

BB: YEAH! That’s right.

ED: In honor of the Rockies we could just start a FPotM and shift in the middle, then shift again, then again and again and again and get nowhere. Seems apt for like Curtis Leskanic or something.

ED: 2006 OUTLOOK: Ugly. Very, very ugly.