Atlanta Braves at Pittsburgh Pirates
July 29, 2004
(by PHIL RIPPA)
I was looking for something to throw on in the background as I did some random chores around the apartment while waiting to hear further word of the impending birth of my niece. Of course, seeking a new job was not one of those things. I stumbled across this game and I figured, eh, what the hell. I haven’t watched a Pirates game in forever, even though they have been one of the more fascinating teams to me in the last few years (It helps when you have crazy Lloyd McClendon as your skipper. In addition to a comical front office.)

It starts out well enough as Skip Carey immediately busts out the story about yesterday’s game. Apparently, Pittsburgh was unprepared to handle the walk up crowd at the game (the Pirates had their third largest walkup sales ever), so Skip was saying how there were long lines all the way until the middle of the third inning. This allowed the younger Carey to carry on about how, one would think, that someone in charge might open up an extra ticket window or two. Of course, the other fun part of that story was that Skip Carey was watching the game on TV because he didn’t have to work the game. Ah… goofy TBS and the four headed broadcast hydra. (Just for the record – forced to make the commute to the stadium today were Skip and Joe Simpson.)

I just remembered the last time I watched a Braves game. It was that baffling game against the Milwaukee Brewers where both teams wore Braves uniforms and my brain hurt. Stupid retro look.

The Braves tweaked their lineup for today’s game. Marcus Giles gets the day off. And someone named Charles Thomas is starting in Left Field. Now, I watch a lot of baseball and like to think that I know a decent amount about the sport. Yet, Charles Thomas eluded my radar. Maybe because he wasn’t a failed Yankee prospect or a successful prospect that the Yankees traded away for Jay Witasick. Anyway, Thomas has 1.013 OPS in 85 plate appearances. So yeah, you would think he belongs in the starting lineup. The boost that Thomas and, to a lesser extend, Nick Green – who was the fella who filled in while Giles was crippled and is subbing for Giles today – helped Atlanta hang around in the pathetic NL East race despite playing substandard ball.

Now, I told you all of this to be able to setup the fact that Thomas can also flash a little leather. He single-handedly kept the Braves out of a big inning in the first. John Thompson (no not that one – the pasty white overrated pitcher) got smacked around early and often with the first two hitters – Jason Kendall and one of the Wilsons – getting on with hard hit balls. JD Drew makes the first out and then Chipper Jones smokes a ball looking destined for the gap. Thomas hauls ass, lays out (FULL EXTENSTION~!) and makes a nifty catch. And since Jack Wilson was blindly running, he is doubled off. Yes, Virginia, sometimes, scrappy whiteness fails.

Actually, all this allows me to tell you about Rusty Kuntz. Yes, you read that right. Kuntz is Pittsburgh’s first base coach (they were showing shots of him being baffled by Wilson’s ability to run the base paths, hence how this all ties in.) He was a former player for the White Sox and Tigers (his best season was 1984 when he hit 12 home runs in 140 Abs for the World Series. Yes, he won a ring thanks to the juggernaut that was the ‘84 Detroit squad. Anyway, Simpson pronounces Kuntz as “Coons” like in “the damn ‘coons got into my trash last night”. Okay, if you haven’t figured it out yet, his name LOOKS like it should be pronounced “Nuts”. Yup, Rusty Nuts. We are all 13 years old. Heck, I once played in an entire WhatIf? Theme League based on the man. I really haven’t been this disillusioned since I heard Bill Simmons for the first time. I weep for the loss of one of the supposed great baseball names. Or laugh at Simpson’s idiocy. It’s one or the other.

This is game four of a four game series. It’s a Thursday afternoon game. Both teams randomly inserting guys into the lineup to give the regulars rest. This is a get-away-day game if there ever was one. And it was like that for the TBS too. They felt the need to fill out their airtime with new and creative information. Of course, it seemed like everyone working today’s game hadn’t slept in 72 hours and was now in that giddy state where something will make them laugh uncontrollably for hours, like someone saying poop or something. Anyway, early in the game, Carey and Simpson start talking about the city of Pittsburgh and the three rivers. Of course, they are all over the confluence and the new park and the location of the former Three Rivers Stadium. So Skip says they are going to show us a map. And I swear to God, TBS throws up a magic erase board on which someone just did a rough sketch of what the area looked like – of course, only taking the time to draw two of three rivers and making PNC Park visible from space. It was the greatest addition of Win, Lose or Draw ever. I was waiting for Jaime Farr and Rita Rudner to each announce a half inning.

Rafael Furcal makes errors in two consecutive innings and I wonder if Adam LaRoche is secretly playing short.

God, I love Bobby Cox. So, your team is trailing by two runs. It’s only the Top of the 4th. The leadoff hitter gets on with a single. I have a brilliant idea – let’s have our best hitter, try to lay down a bunt. We all giggle as JD Drew tries to advance the runner. I guess once you play NL small ball, you always play NL small ball. Drew gets two strikes trying to bunt and then strikes out after trying to battle out of the hole that was dug thanks to his inability to master FUNDAMENTALS~! and Cox questionable choices. I guess the power of Jesus doesn’t believe in small ball.

Josh Fogg is the starting pitcher for the Pirates today. Josh Fogg is the forgotten man in that formerly pimped trio of young Pittsburgh Pirates hurlers who were to be the future of the franchise. Or maybe Kip Wells is the forgotten man and Fogg is just right there in average pitcher on bad team land. It certainly isn’t the soon to be traded Kris Benson who will live off the rep of his wife and the myth that he actually is a productive pitcher. And it most certainly isn’t Oliver Perez, who IS the future of someone’s pitching staff. I weep for the about to be fleeced Pittsburgh front office.

Let’s try this again; Josh Fogg is the starting pitcher for the Pirates today. Let’s just say that he isn’t having the finest season in all the land. A 5.91 ERA, 1.54 WHIP with opponents hitting .292. Some how he has six wins, but Kenny Rogers is a supposed Cy Young candidate so who am I to argue. That being said, he has been perfectly acceptable today.  Six solid innings, four hits allowed, only one run. X amount of pitches, X for strikes. But this is the Braves offense, which hasn’t been challenging the ’27 Yanks.

Okay, this is the problem of writing things out in your head before they actually happen. I had jotted down the line about Fogg’s final game stats, fully prepared to fill in the blanks after he left the game. Well, he got to 5 2/3 innings and then started to struggle leaving Jason Grabow to work out of a first and third jam. (He did.) But other than managing to only give up one run, nothing else was that impressive and he didn’t even manage to last until the seventh to help rest some the pen.

Did I mention how much I like the TBS filler material of hate today? They do an in-game Game Break thingy to show the Marlins smacking around the Phillies yet again. This time one of the Alex Gonzalez’s hit a grand slam and the in studio guy rightly pointed out that this Gonzalez only hits about his weight. I was giddy. I am hoping the next one makes fun of Art Howe’s managerial skills.

In about four days, Jason Kendall is going to have the most starts at catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates organization. I really don’t think Tony Pena, Manny Sanguillen or Smoky Burgess saw this coming. Of course, Kendall would have already gotten this milestone if he hadn’t made us all vomit courtesy his horrific 1999 injury.

Craig Wilson looks way too much like Kevin Greene for my tastes. Wilson might be able to carry Reggie White to a better match though.

Alright – Antonio Alfonseca is in the game. You know what that means. SITE HITS BABY!!!! America’s obsession with seeing the six fingers on Alfonseca’s hand leads to visits to Google, which in turn equals hits for this site. One of these days, we will actually have a picture to show and then we will throw up ads and retire at an early age. Well, an early age for Bill. Ed and I will be able to use it to replace the Social Security check we will never receive.

Some yutz came to the game wearing a banana costume. I really don’t know how to address that. I guess things get pretty boring in Pittsburgh. It might be a relative of Bill Cowher. That is unconfirmed.

TBS has this nice graphic it uses to show previous at-bats making it look like an official scorebox complete with the official scoring. This somewhat makes up for the new TBS logo, which looks like someone slaughtered the mourning dove thingy that used to stroll across the opening of the Partridge Family.

Jose Mesa comes in to try and protect the 2-1 lead that the Pirates have been nursing for most of the game. If you just read a game recap, this is how it will read:

Johnny Estrada singled to right
Mark DeRosa ran for Johnny Estrada
Julio Franco reached on an infield single to shortstop. Derosa to second. Derosa to third on a throwing error by shortstop Jack Wilson
Eli Marrero grounded into fielder’s choice to second. Derosa scored. Franco to second.
Nick Green bunted into fielder’s choice to pitcher. Franco out at third. Marrero to second
Eddie Perez hits for Juan Cruz
Eddie Perez walked. Marrero to third. Green to second
Rafael Furcal singled to left. Marrero scored. Green to third. Perez to second.
Andruw Jones fouled out to catcher
JD Drew flied out to left.

Of course, it was a lot more entertaining than that reads. Mesa, being Mesa, made things interesting from the start. He gives up the hit to Estrada. Fine. Franco hits a smash to Jack Wilson. ALL-STAR~! Wilson knocks the ball down and has time to make the play at second. Assuming he actually took a half a second to think. Instead, panicking that he might not make the play, he tries to make the throw from the seat of his pants with his body turned away from second. Naturally, the throw ends up in right field. First and Third – No Outs. Marrero hits a slow grounder right towards the bag at second. One would think that since you are the home team, you sacrifice the tying run, turn the double play. You can then win the game in your half of the inning. But we are not Juan Castillo – who instead of tagging Julio Franco, who is no more than two feet away – throws home. It’s not even a force play! So, the throw arrives way late. The Braves now have first and second, no outs and have tied the game. Oh yeah – Pirate baseball. Green lays down the bunt and Mesa goes to third, barely, and I mean barely, getting Franco. Which by the way, begs the question, why is the 46 year old still on the base paths in the ninth inning of a tie game? Personally, I would have kept pudgy Estrada in and pinch ran for Franco but I am a fool. Jose Mesa then remembers his proven veteran closerness and walks Eddie Perez. Yes, Eddie Perez. Bases loaded, one out. Furcal (after allowing all of us to get a Pat Corrales sighting, aww.. memories of my baseball youth) atones for his two errors to put Atlanta out in front. And then the big bats of the Braves fail to extend the lead any further. So, Mesa comes in and fails to get a save for my fantasy team. Yes, it all comes back to fantasy bitterness.

John Smoltz comes in to get Pittsburgh 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth to collect the save. And the announcers want to make sure that you realize that he did it with virtually nothing in the tank. It was his VETERNESS~! that earned that save. And Andruw Jones made an appearance in center, caught one fly ball and cemented another Gold Glove.