MLB "Opening Day" - A Running Diary
by Ed Agner (April 5, 2004)
Being unemployed but being able to afford MLB Extra Innings Package equals Ed providing a running diary of all the days events from one of the 19 “Opening Day”s that Major League Baseball had this year. This is for Monday, April 5. All times are Eastern Daylight.

12:45 pm - Tigers pregame show features big pieces on Pudge Rodriguez: TIGER SAVIOR, Jason Johnson: TIGER DIABETIC and Rondell White: TIGER...umm...TIGER...DL SPOT.  The fact that all the Tigers “key” offseason pick-ups are flawed physically SHOULD be cause for alarm in the Motor City.  Of course, most Tiger fans wanted to see most of the 2003 regulars crippled so...I guess you really need to watch what you wish for.

1:03 pm - The word ”chemistry” is dropped by Tiger announcers for like the 7 billionth time today.  Are they fielding a baseball team or starting a meth lab?

1:13 pm - Hey, Bow Wow’s gonna be on the Fox sports show with the really long title and no apparent reason for being!  Awesome!  I wonder if he’ll tell the tale of how I hip checked him across Used Kids Records and almost got killed by his posse.

1:15 pm - Eugene Levy throws out the first pitch in Toronto.  I did not make that up.

1:19 pm - Halladay throws strike one to Alex Sanchez to open the season.  Surprisingly, Sanchez didn’t hack.

1:20 pm - Sanchez strikes out to start his season off properly.

1:30 pm - I make myself happy by finally realizing that Dmitri Young looks like a hairy Warren Sapp.  I realize Dmitri will have more stolen bases than Sapp will have sacks this year.  And I cry for a bit.

1:51 pm - Tigers announcers are going on about how Pudge Rodriguez makes pitchers better.  So...Anyone wanna clue them in on the Rangers pitching staffs the last few years Pudge was there?

1:57 pm - Nick Lachey sings the national anthem in Cincy wearing a Johnny Bench jersey like I had as a kid.  I don’t know what that means.

2:02 pm - Dick Cheney throws out the first pitch in Cincy.  Fitting.  They just ran a graphic stating that 3.7 million people have gone to a Reds opening day over the years.  I went to one once just to see what all the hubbub was about - the parade, the parties, the circus on the field, Deion Sanders.  The year I went, an elephant took a dump on the field and the game had to be delayed to clean things up.  That was not supposed to be a Marge Schott joke.

2:08 pm - Carlos Pena homers off of Halladay to open the scoring in Toronto.  That’s probably enough to sucker me into picking him up in a fantasy league yet again.

2:12 pm - Cory Lidle throws ball one to Mark Gruzsdgfhsdljkghluisdhgak.  Pitch two is a ground out to third.  Reds announcers are talking about the Reds new “pitch to contact” philosophy.  The word “trap” comes to mind.  Voros agrees.

2:13 pm - Corey Patterson ropes a homer.  Ahh, pitching to contact!!!

2:15 pm - Ken Griffey, Jr. was a late scratch from the opening day line up with a calf injury.  Ahh, the Reds!

2:20 pm - I’m not saying that Barry Larkin has lost a step...BUT...he just grounded into a DP where Mark Grudzzsdhguisehgsdjkfgnk stopped, posed for a photo, signed a couple of autographs and ate a hot dog before he threw Larkin out at first.

2:31 pm - Alex Gonzalez boots a ball as if he were playing in the playoffs against the Marlins again.  Bartman will be blamed, somehow.

2:37 pm - Chris Woodward legs out the slowest triple this side of a softball game.

2:38 pm - Reds announcers can’t tell the difference between Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.  It may as well be August.

2:43 pm - The Blue Jays completely waste Woodward’s leadoff triple.  O’s fans continue to think of running wire-to-wire.

2:45 pm - Pudge Rodriguez homers off of Halladay, 2-0 Tigers.  EARNING HIS PAY~!

2:50 pm - Moises Alou hits a 3-run double, 4-0 Cubs.  Ahh, pitching to contact!

2:54 pm - Orlando Hudson’s error scores two more, 4-0 Tigers.  J.P. thumps his fingers over a table and mutters, “Smooth pimp, my ass.”

2:58 pm - Ryan Freel reaches on a K-WP.  Freel will be a GOD in Cincy for as long as he’s in one piece.  SCRAP~!  Too bad Freel will, you know, SUCK.  But the love of SCRAP~! in Cincy never allows for the use of common sense.  Ain’t that right, Pete Rose?

3:01 pm - Cory Lidle puts down a perfect bunt and gets a standing O.  The Reds are down 4-0 and are playing small ball?  Ahh, the Reds are so beautiful!

3:04 pm - D’Angelo Jiminez laces an RBI single, 4-1 Cubs.  Ryan Freel looks to run into a wall on his way into home.

3:05 pm - The White Sox are wearing some strange gray jackets like the Cubs trotted out.  The words “brutally ugly” come to mind.  Same with the new Blue Jays unis too, now that I think of it.

3:07 pm - Larkin’s groundout scores one, 4-2 Cubs.  SMALL BALL~! Oh!  Sean Casey’s due up with a man on second.  This will be good!

3:09 pm - $7 million/year SCRAPPY~! White Guy, Sean Casey K’s to end the rally.  Yeah.  I am too happy.  SCRAP~!

3:11 pm - Brian Anderson throws strike one to Willie Harris to start the ChiSox-Royals game.

3:12 pm - Somehow it’s now 7-0 Tigers.  O’s fans believe in dominating the AL East.  Oh - OK.  Rondell White hit a 3-run dong - and didn’t get hurt in the process.  Roy Halladay will now become available in half of the fantasy leagues.

3:14 pm - It’s 5-2 Cubs now somehow.  GACK!  Reds announcers are talking about how Chris Sabo is coaching in the Reds organization.  Thank God for the Brady Bill.

3:23 pm - Paul Konerko up with two men on and nobody out.  He, of course will produce - Yes.  Of course. Two-run double by Konerko.  One of those last year when you were killing my fantasy team wouldn’t have hurt, Paul!  2-0 ChiSox.

3:27 pm - Ryan Freel taps a ball back to the pitcher.  He looks for a wall to run through on his way to first.  Reds fans go ape for his SCRAP~!

3:30 pm - Ken Harrelson and Darrin Jackson make me wish I was deaf.

3:33 pm - Sandy Alomar, Jr. hits a 2-run homer, 4-0 ChiSox.  Aww, poor Brian Anderson.

3:35 pm - I get a call from a buddy who’s at the Reds game.  “Dude, it’s freezing here.” “Good.” I hang up.  I really hope he wasn’t looking for a camera to wave into as he was on the phone.  I’d hate to think anyone like that would have my number.

3:40 pm - It appears that THUNDERSTIXX have finally made their way to KC.  Ahh, the 2-year delay between the coasts and the Heartland...OH!  Benito’s up!

3:41 pm - Benito grounds out to score a run, 4-1 White Sox.  VETERANNESS~!

3:43 pm - Barry Larkin draws a walk.  In the process, the Reds announcers crap all over every other SS in the Reds system.  Ohh, I love you, Cincy!  Oh - Casey’s up -

3:45 pm - Sean Casey SCRAPS~! a 2-run double, 5-4 Cubs.  SCRAP~!  The announcers need a moment to smoke a post-coital cigarette.  Oh, how I love the fact that Casey comes up with a hit on the odd occasion to make the Reds fans love his WHITENESS~! and SCRAP~! enough to keep him making tons of outs else wise!  Aww, you magnificent little racist, jerkwater town!

3:47 pm - Kerry Wood is struggling.  Dusty is trying to make Kerry more LIVAN-LIKE.  Adam Dunn is up.  Wood reaches back for his INNER VETERAN~! and gets out of the inning.  Odds are good Wood will be back out for the 7th.

3:55 pm - Desi Relaford pulls up lame turning a double into a single in his first AB of the season.  Are Tony Pena’s magic powers a one-year deal?

3:59 pm - Reds announcers talk about Marge Schott being in heaven!!!  WHOO-HOO!!! I am SOOOOOOOO in heaven easily then.

4:03 pm - Somehow it’s 5-1 ChiSox now.  And Konerko is 2-2!  Thanks a lot, Paul!  Aww, bitterness!

4:07 pm - Esteban Yan K’s Reed Johnson.  Tigers win 7-0.  Tigers-O’s ALCS!!!

4:12 pm - Pirates-Phillies, Dodgers-Padres are now underway.  I am starting to hate baseball already.  FRANK VIOLA~! is doing the Dodger-Pads game on ESPN2!  I love again!  Oh.  Wait.  Hold that.  Jeff Brantley is doing the Phillie-Bucs game on the other ESPN2 feed.  Mmm, hate.

4:19 pm - Pat Burrell is up with a man on second and two out.  Of course he will produce.  The fantasy gods hate me.

4:21 pm - Pat Burrell hits a weak tapper to 3rd to end the inning.  Larry Bowa ticks away in the dugout.  I am able to pull out my contest - Since it’s the time change and I had to change batteries in my smoke detectors, YOOOU!  PHILLIE PHANS!  You tell me how much you hate Pat Burrell in 300 words or less!  Best entry sent to vetpres@hotmail.com will receive all my old batteries for you to throw at Pat Burrell in the Phillies home opener.  No entries will be accepted where the names “J.D. Drew” or “Jose Mesa” are scratched out in favor of Pat the Bat.  

4:23 pm - Ryan Wagner is on the mound for the Reds.  Fantasy geeks pop a collective boner.  Mmmm, college relievers.

4:29 pm - Adam Dunn auditions for my old softball team by playing a fly ball off his...shins?  Sean Casey would have had that.  Cubs score a run in the mess - 6-4 Cubs.

4:31 pm - Cubs score another on a single to CF. Ryan Freel may SCRAP~! all he wants but his throw just made Johnny Damon look like Raul Mondesi.  7-4 Cubs.  Oh!  Todd Walker’s up...and pops out.  No DIVE~!

4:32 pm - Tony Womack steals 3rd in St. Louis, fantasy geeks face their fears and contemplate picking him up now.  STEALS~!  Joe Buck is announcing the Cards game.  I dream of murder.

4:35 pm - Sean Casey slaps a single.  Reds announcers fellate him.  I chuckle.

4:38 pm - Joe Buck’s voice is causing my eye to twitch.  Must.  Not.  Turn.  Back.

4:42 pm - Ahhh, Vin Scully is doing the Dodger game on a Fox channel.  Joe Buck pain fading.

4:44 pm - Todd Jones is in for the Reds.  Ahh, the perfect marriage of idiot and idiotic city!  Now I can see if the Cubs have any suspected homosexuals!

4:48 pm - Cubs run themselves into one of the ugliest DP’s you’ll ever see a pro team run into - 8-2-5.  Reds announcers orgasm over Ryan Freel’s SCRAP~!  I wish I had a gun.

4:51 pm - Of course, Ryan Freel leads off the 9th inning.  Pete Rose puts a $100 on Freel to SCRAP~! some more.

4:54 pm - Freel lines out.  Murderous thoughts subside.

4:56 pm - Something called Ray Olmeda is PH’ing for Cincy over Ken Griffey, Jr.  Is Bob Boone still managing?  Of course, Olmeda walks.

4:59 pm - Somehow the Pads are ahead of the Dodgers 1-0.  I wonder what Padres got hurt in the process.

5:02 pm - Joe Borowski snuffs out a burgeoning Reds rally by K’ing Barry Larkin - with Sean Casey on deck.  I was expecting Larkin to continue things on so Casey could hit a granny to win the game, causing me to break a foot kicking a wall or something.

5:03 pm - Somehow it’s 7-2 Pale Hose over the Royals in the 7th.  Who could have seen the Royals pitching not being very good?

5:05 pm - Time to scavenge for food and make a few calls.

5:59 pm - Back. Pads up 7-1 on the Dodgers.  Brewers and Cards at 4-4.  Pirates up 1-0 on the Phils. And... what?  The Royals came back to beat the ChiSox 9-7 in some unbelievable 9th inning that’s making the ChiSox announcers act as if they just saw Kennedy get shot again.  Awesome!

6:05 pm - Craig Wilson and his mighty fine John Daly mullet homers to CF, 2-0 Pirates.  Larry Bowa twitches.  Roberto Hernandez warms in the pen.  Poor-poor Phillie Phans.

6:07 pm - 7-4 Milwaukee over St. Louis now.  WHOO-HOO!!!  Joe Buck + Tony LaRussa = Cards can’t lose enough.

6:10 pm - My god, the Pirate announcers are terrible!  Steve Blass?!?!  Did he lose any semblance of a personality when he lost his control?

6:14 pm - 7-6 Brewers now.  St. Louis is the fastest how on turf or something, right?

6:17 pm - Phil Nevin hit a granny today for the Pads, which explains the scoring.  Oh, Jay Payton went deep too.  Somehow they didn’t fallen apart running the bases.

6:18 pm - Ray King is on for the Cards.  Mmmm, beefy.

6:19 pm - Roberto Hernandez is on for the Phils.  Even Jose Mesa chuckles.

6:25 pm - This may come as a shock but.... Tony LaRussa is masturbatory-managing again.  Yeah, St. Louis would be a GREAT place to nuke test.

6:27 pm - Pat Burrell gets his third hit of the day.  I curse the fantasy gods.

6:30 pm - Ben Grieve gets the only IF single of his life scoring a Junior Spivey - 8-6 Brewers.  Tony LaRussa’s masturbatory-managing backfires!!!  I laugh and laugh and laugh and...

6:34 pm - Joe Buck does an ad for a St. Louis car dealer.  I dream of getting Buck and McCarver in one shot.

6:36 pm - Pirates announcers are talking about Jose Mesa warming up to pitch the 9th for the Bucs.  Pennsylvania is even uglier than Ohio.

6:37 pm - Operation Shutdown is in full effect - Raul Mondesi is 0-4.  Derek Bell approves.  Jose Mesa is shown warming in the pen.  My eyes hurt.

6:38 pm - Edgar Renteria just misses an opposite field homer.  I spit out a fantasy curse.

6:40 pm - Someone is walking around Bush Stadium dressed up like Abe Lincoln.  It’s only half as freaky as that guy goes to Fenway dressed as Samuel Adams.

6:42 pm - Antonio Osuna is on for the Padres.  I just wanted to mention that for Phil’s sake.

6:43 pm - Oh yeah - the fun begins!!!  Mesa is on to close for the Pirates.  Pittsburgh leads 2-1.  Phillie Phans have their hands full of batteries - Pirates fans too, now that I think of it.

6:46 pm - Phirst Phille Philies Out.

6:48 pm - Marlon Byrd Phlies out.  Polanco is up trying to get the game to Thome v. Mesa.  C’mon, Placido!  We all wanna see Mesa v. Thome.

6:52 pm - Polanco pops up!  Mesa gets the save!  Phillie Phans spew hate!

6:54 pm - Roger Cedeno K’s on 3 pitches in his first Cardinal AB.  No one is shocked.

7:00 pm - Jay Witasick is on the mound for San Diego.  I like to make Phil cringe.

7:03 pm - Ugh!  Berman and Sutcliffe are doing the Astros-Giants game.  God is hateful.

7:07 pm - I find myself watching the Pads-Dodgers blowout rather than the close Cards-Brewers game because the dulcet tones of Vin Scully keeps me from wanting to kill Joe Buck.

7:09 pm - The Giants-Stros game is probably on but I don’t have the patience for Berman and Sutcliffe.  Oh.  Wait!  The SAP button!  YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sweet-sweet SAP button!

7:10 pm - Danny Kolb is on to close for the Brewers.  Pujols leads off with a ground out to SS.

7:11 pm - NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The SAP option isn’t available for the Giants-Stros game!  So.  Much.  Hate.

7:12 pm - Edmonds lines out to Counsell.  SCRAP~!!!

7:13 pm - Why the hell is Edgar Renteria hitting 6th in the Cards line-up?  Why do I ask questions about LaRussa’s genius?

7:15 pm - Rolen grounds out to second.  Cards lose!  Cards lose!

7:16 pm - Hey!  George Bush threw out the first pitch in St. Louis.  Now THAT’S fitting!

7:17 pm - Ugh!  Sutcliffe and Berman...and Tony Gwynn are intolerable.  Time to do something else.

8:42 pm - It’s 2-1 ‘Stros in the 7th.  Scorele...err...1-0 Tribe over the Twins in the 2nd on a PB.  MAUER~!

8:44 pm - Hafner homers to put the Tribe up 2-0.  Belliard follows with a single.  Yeah, Radke is still Radke.

8:50 pm - Rick Sutcliffe says opening day is like New Years Day to most players.  That explains why the ChiSox pen worked as if they were still drunk.

8:56 pm - Sutcliffe, Berman and Gwynn are sapping my will to love.  Sweet-sweet death.

8:59 pm - Shannon Stewart gets an assist on a Jody Gerut homer - feeling the spirit of the NCAA title game, I guess.

9:03 pm - Rick Sutcliffe talks about a former gig he had as a minor league pitching coach.  Why-why-why-why-why-why-why-why-why-why-why-why-why-why couldn’t he make a go as a pitching coach?

9:06 pm - Joe Mauer walks in his first major league AB.  Primer geeks orgasm.

9:14 pm - Sutcliffe calls the eyes, “the window of the soul.”  Trippy.

9:15 pm - Jimy Willia--  Bonds!!!  

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jimy Williams left a spent Oswalt in to face Bonds.  Everyone watching knew it was a bad idea.  I couldn’t even get the words down before Bonds put the ball in the RF seats!  Tie game!  Awww, Jimy Williams you are such a beautiful idiot!  Even the blind saw that one coming!

9:37 pm - Jimy FINALLY goes with Dotel to pitch the 9th in a tie game.  Dotel hits the first batter.  How does Jimy keep a job?  How do Berman and Sutcliffe keep theirs?

9:40 pm - Dotel’s WP moves the runner to 3rd with one out after a sac bunt moved him to second.  Roger Clemens wonders why he came out of “retirement.”  Snow hits a sac fly, Giants lead 5-4.  Rick Sutcliffe is now legally married to J.T. Snow in 7 states after orally making love to him.

9:42 pm - Joe Mauer gets his first career K.  you’ll have more to come, li’l buddy.

9:44 pm - Bob Odenkirk doing a Miller Beer commercial?  WTF?

9:47 pm - Biggio’s called out for running into a little nubber in front of the plate.  Melusky laughs.

9:50 pm - Bagwell K’s to end the game.  Ahhh, Jimy Williams!

10:10 pm - Travis Hafner K’s in his attempt to Tuffy Rhodes.  Eyes getting heavy.

10:29 pm - Omar Vizquel is 0-5.  Awww.

10:33 pm - Joe Mauer walks again.  Billy Beane is hard.

10:41 pm - Alfonso Soriano walks on 4 pitches.  Several elderly are administered CPR.

10:42 pm - Cuddyer singles in 2.  4-2 Cleveland now.

10:47 pm - Koskie doubles in a run, 4-3 Cleveland now.  Aww, the jokes to be made about Cleveland bullpens.

10:50 pm - Torrrrrrrrrriiiiiii Hunter ties it with a single as the Tribe pen protects this game as if it were a Game 7 of a WS.

11:06 pm - A’s up 10 in the 1st somehow.  So sleepy.

12:04 pm - I am awakened by an announcer screaming about a Shannon Stewart walk-off homer that gives the Twins a 7-4 win.  I turn to the A’s-Rangers game.  Commercial.  I’ll just close my eyes until they come back.....