Chicago Cubs vs. San Francisco Giants
August 8, 2004
This is going to end up probably being quick and really really dirty. I can already tell that I am going to fall asleep before this game is over. Part of the problem is that I really have grown to hate all nationally televised games – whether it be baseball or especially football (I won’t even touch the hate that is the NBA). Both sports tend to take themselves WAY too seriously and feel like they need to pander to the handful of people who might have stumbled upon the game looking for something to watch when they realized that Good Eats was a repeat. What this really means is that they insult their core audience, while thinking that talking about Derek Jeter’s captainess or how John Elway moved the stars and moons will keep any new viewers. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are the worst over at Fox. But that is generally because they are both smarmy beyond belief. Monday Night Football is at the point of being unwatchable as Al Michaels will spend 3 quarters talking about the playmaking abilities of Michael Vick. Too bad the Green Bay Packers just rallied from 17 down against Tampa Bay. But no one actually watches these for the games – right??? Okay, I have no idea where I am or how I ended up here. Duke sucks. Oh wait, that’s not right. Oh yeah – Giants vs. Cubs. Bonds vs. Sosa. Kill me now.

The main ESPN announcers are Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. Countless keystrokes have been used to describe the horridness that is Morgan behind the mic. Great, great ballplayer but yeesh… I am sure I will get back to Joe a time or two. Maybe tonight, he will tell us the story of Mario Soto parting the Sandusky River. I like Jon Miller but he can be irritating beyond belief. My biggest pet peeve with Miller is how he tends to become excited over the simplest plays, calling things as it were the ninth inning of Game Seven of the World Series all the time.- “CHANGEUP!” or “THE HOME PLATE UMPIRE IS JOE WEST!” come to mind. The Jon Miller random quote generator sound board would be amusing. And yes, I am fully aware that this is what it must be like to have a conversation with me. I hate you all.

Nomar Garciaparra is not playing tonight. Oh yeah, I am sure that must have been a fun phone call for whoever had to tell the producer at ESPN that he wasn’t playing. Of course, Nomar missing a game shouldn’t come as a surprise to, well, anyone who has watched more than one baseball game this year. Today’s reason is that Dusty Baker needed to give him a day of rest. Hey! It’s the Sabbath! Looked at how that worked out.

Ah yes, it doesn’t take long for Morgan to make me do a double take on something he says. He describes one of the two pitchers – which one, it really doesn’t matter – as throwing a “choke change”. Now, I have watched a lot of baseball. Yeah, I didn’t play the game so I am not allowed to talk about it, but a “choke change”. Really, what the hell is that Joe? Is this something that Mitch Williams or Ralph Branca or Donnie Moore specializes in?

It does not take long to discover what the Joe Morgan’s motif is for tonight’s game. That would be, “why aren’t guys wearing sunglasses?” Now, this is a very valid point since it is a late afternoon game for the West Coast so the setting sun is right there. Alas, lots and lots of guys wear no sunglasses and that leads to a plethora of renditions of “Adventures in Fielding in C Minor”. The right side of the Cubs infield lets a popup drop in the first. This allows Barry Bonds to score the Giants second run of the inning, thus assuring that Barry is the greatest person in the history of the universe for one more night. Then Dustin Mohr lost a ball in the 4th. This isn’t counting all the outs that were made despite the constant struggles in locating the ball. Now, I have no idea why guys weren’t wearing sunglasses, it’s not like you can, you know, not notice the sun shining. Especially the San Fran players, since it is their home park. I guess they were too busy asking Bonds to sign things. Getting back to Morgan. He is baffled and disgusted. My favorite part is when he blurts out “I must have played a different kind of baseball.” This helped make the game far more entertaining than it was.

Miller is using all sorts of hyperbole in describing Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee. In the first inning, when Lee was clearly lumbering around the basepaths, Miller proclaimed him “speedy”. This clearly made me wonder if I needed to run a 40. Because if Derek Lee is speedy that I can return kicks for the New York Giants since I would be faster than Ron Dixon. (Plus, with the added bonus of my ability to not be afraid of weather phenomenon.) Later it game, Miller shouted that Lee was “ONE OF THE BEST!” “One of the best” of what is left open to interpretation. I know it wasn’t “one of the best players in the game” because I can rattle off 50 guys better than Derek Lee. I am going to assume he meant one of the best at first base (though that is debatable since what is the definition of “one of the best”. To me, you would have to be in the Top 5 at your position right? Well let’s see, there is Albert Pujols, Todd Helton, Jim Thome, and that isn’t even counting David Ortiz and Mike Piazza, who technically are first basemen. Then there are folks like Carlos Delgado, Mike Sweeney, Phil Nevin, Jason Giambi and Frank Thomas who are down due to injury reasons. Again, though, that is me.) I don’t know, maybe he was talking about “one of the best” fielding first baseman, which I could probably see. But you know being the best fielding first baseman is kinda like being the kid with the best sight at the School For The Blind. Maybe, he meant the “One of the Best” of the guys named Lee. I could get behind that one because Derrek is better than Travis or Carlos or Cliff.

Noah Lowry was a September call up last year for the Giants but only pitched like six innings. This year he got brought up in June and has been fairly outstanding since. Tonight he ends up twirling 7 strong innings, allowing only two earned runs (three runs altogether) with six strikeouts. Maybe I should have said he was efficient instead, tossing only 83 pitches, 63 for strikes. He also had two hits. I refuse to say he was helping his own cause. (Yeah, this is so out of order now.)

Sam Ryan interviews Lowry’s parents and it is about 45 seconds of the most uncomfortable TV you will ever watch. Mom Lowry looks sorts like Mary Jo Buttafucco… only with the ability to move both sides of her face.

There was some interesting fielding by both sides all night long. I already mentioned all the issues with a ball hit in the air. There were some… interesting… throws around the diamond. My favorite was when Moises Alou tried to gun someone out at home. I can just describe it as not being close. I am sure that the urine made it slip.

Maybe they have been doing this all season and I just have not seen it before but at the end of an inning, when Bonds will be coming up to bat, ESPN ignores everyone else and just announces that Bonds will be batting in the upcoming inning. First, it was the normal graphic that they use. Instead of pictures of the three guys due up, they just had one large picture of Bonds (which you can imagine how creepy this was considering the size of Bonds’ melon). Then later in the game, the production team made what can be described best as a giant splash page, declaring that Bonds was batting and that the fate of the stock market hinged on it. Or something to that effect. No matter what, this is irritating the heck out of me.

Kerry Wood had the stinkiest game I have ever seen him pitch. The most glaring stat is that for the first time in his career, he recorded no strikeouts, which is a huge red flag for a fella who is one of the premier K totallers in the league. Six innings pitched, four earned runs, three walks and one ugly wild pitch. Actually, you really want to understand how much Wood struggled with his control on the night – out of 92 pitches, only 49 of them were for strikes.

Mohr atones for his bad attempt at fielding by making a game saving diving catch in the Top of the 8th on an Alou line drive. Moving to his left, Mohr laid out completely to make the final out of the inning. Had the ball dropped, the Cubs would have tied the game with, the obvious potential for more runs. I then drifted off to sleep until the bottom of the ninth, just in time to see Mohr (after having shifted over to right field) making a sliding catch in foul territory to end the game.

Yup – the game was speedy, clocking in at just over 2:30. Still didn’t prevent me from catching some Zs. Bonds didn’t hit a home run. Neither did Sosa. I am sure ESPN complained to Bud Selig.