CHEAP CONTENT: 2006 MLB All-Star Ballots
Aww... non-thought content for a non-thought website. These are actual ballots we submitted to MLB.com. Bill and Ed can explain any theme they might have had going on with their picks… if there was any.
RIPPA
American League
First Base: Ortiz, D., BOS
Second Base: Kinsler, I., TEX
Third Base: Rodriguez, A., NYY
Shortstop: Jeter, D., NYY
Catcher: Martinez, V., CLE
Outfielder: Guerrero, V., LAA
Outfielder: Sizemore, G., CLE
Outfielder: Wells, V., TOR

NOTES: Eventually, there will be a DH spot on the ballot and Ortiz will take his rightful place there and I can vote for… umm… well… hmm… okay, maybe we don’t need a DH spot. At least Ian Kinsler can tell his mom that at least one person who voted for him. Why yes, I am 100% certain I am the only person in America who submitted that OF trio. My votes for Jeter and A-Rod were not because I am a Yankee fan but because I giggle at the thought of it infuriating… well… everyone. UNCLUTCH~! NO RANGE~!

National League
First Base: Johnson, N., WAS
Second Base: Utley, C., PHI
Third Base: Wright, D., NYM
Shortstop: Renteria, E., ATL
Catcher: Estrada, J., ARI
Outfielder: Bay, J., PIT
Outfielder: Dunn, A., CIN
Outfielder: Holliday, M., COL

NOTES: Figures that I can’t vote for Pujols since he is listed a first but Nick is Nick. Of course, the Nats spammed me begging me to vote for Soriano. I immediately made sure to not pick him. Of course it’s easy with Bay and Dunn there, since I actually like them. Mind you, by picking Holliday, I went with the all white outfield. Aww… I’m racist. The National League has so ugly ugly position to choose from. Catcher is especially brutal. Maybe Estrada can bring Jason Grimsley as his guest and Bud can poop himself.
BILL
American League
First Base: Millar, K., Bal
Second Base: Grudzielanek, M., KC
Third Base: Batista, T., MIN
Shortstop: Berroa, A., KC
Catcher: Hall, T., TB
Outfielder: Conine, J., Bal
Outfielder: Johnson, R., TOR
Outfielder: White, R., MIN

NOTES: My team is the all-DFA all-stars and in between the time I selected these guys and this article is coming out, Tony Batista was actually designated to go home. Of course, since the Twins called up Jason Bartlett to take his place, Batista will be back in a month. Put it this way: you (and by you I mean Phil Rippa) know the soccer commercial where the two dorks divvy up all the world's great soccer players for their pickup game? These are the last 16 baseball players that would get picked for the same game. I know Reed Johnson is hitting .355 in limited time too but once upon a time, so was Ken Harvey. Of course, maybe he is the new hotness now that SCOUTZ!!! have invaded Kansas City. I don't know. Is he from the south? Are the Chiefs converting him to be a tight end too?

National League
First Base: Hatteberg, S., CIN
Second Base: Matsui, K., NYM
Third Base: Randa, J., PIT
Shortstop: Clayton, R., WAS
Catcher: Olivo, M., FLA
Outfielder: Abercrombie, R., FLA
Outfielder: Clark, B., MIL
Outfielder: Lofton, K., LAD

NOTES: In the meantime Kaz Matsui was also traded to the place where DFA all-stars become simply all-stars: Colorado. Apparently the equation for winning in Colorado is really complicated and Dan O'Dowd needs every Asian player he can get to help him do the math. What? That's not racist enough for you? Fine. I can do better. Do you see how WHITE this team is? If these guys were all black or not veteran-y enough (in the case of Lofton and Clayton), they would be running Jayson Williams' crib's Bob's Big Boy by now. Wow - that is a lot of possessiveness there. I should run point for the Knicks. Mmm…mid-level exception.
ED
American League
First Base: Shelton, C., DET
Second Base: Cantu, J., TB
Third Base: Batista, T., MIN
Shortstop: Peralta, J., CLE
Catcher: Molina, B., TOR
Outfielder: Crisp, C., BOS
Outfielder: Matsui, H., NYY
Outfielder: Mench, K., TEX

NOTES: See, Phil tried to put thought into it as far as, you know, people he liked or people he thought were good.  Phil is a TRUE FAN!!!  I, meanwhile, loathe everything.  No.  Really.  So in true hateful fashion, I attempt to belittle millionaires.  Whee!  Windmills!  So yeah, that’s a nice assortment of ugly there.  I am bummed that Sean Burroughs is not on the ballot.  Chris Shelton gives me some joy though.  Oh yeah, that’s a mighty fine underbite.  Tony Batista making both my and Bill’s ballot amuses us to no end.  I asked Phil which Molina brother is uglier, since, you know, Phil is hip to those Molina brother conversations.  Phil couldn’t tell so I just went for the fatter one.  I weep for the women employed to be the slumpbusters for this group.  God, that will cure anyone of sex forever.

National League
First Base: Johnson, N., WAS
Second Base: Uggla, D., FLA
Third Base: Koskie, C., MIL
Shortstop: Eckstein, D., STL
Catcher: Molina, Y., STL
Outfielder: Burnitz, J., PIT
Outfielder: Roberts, D., SD
Outfielder: Taguci, S., STL

NOTES: To be honest, I didn’t know what Dan Uggla looked like until now.  And he is far too handsome for this list.  But no way I can pass that name up for my list.  And to be fair, So Taguchi isn’t as much physically ugly as he an ugly player.  So there you go.  David Eckstein looks like a used Q-Tip.  There.  I said it.  Ahh, Dave Roberts.  Sweet memories of Willie McGee.