D.J. DOZIER
(by Ed Agner)
Ahh, yesterday's fads! How are we
supposed to explain hair metal or mullets or grunge or...nipple
rings? That's not hypothetical. I really have no clue how
that all is to be explained. I know at some point some kid will
come up to me and go - "Hey, angry old man! How the hell did
Courtney Love become a celebrity?"
Oh. Right. I'll just shake my cane at him and start
muttering about a Clinton conspiracy. That should chase him
off. Whew! Well, tomorrow is all planned out then.
And speaking of an inexplicable fads of yesteryear, the two-sport
player phenomena comes to mind. Boy, was THAT a bad idea.
Oh sure, Bo Jackson sold a ton of shoes and T-shirts for Nike and he
certainly fooled way too many people who should have known better into
believing that two-sport athletes were the wave of the future.
But Bo sure didn't know how to hit a curve ball like he knew how to run
around the end. Danny Ainge hardly even counts considering his
baseball time was mercifully cut short by good sense - same with John
Elway and all the Cowboy QB's. And Deion Sanders...Phew!
Well, Deion sure didn't lack in self-confidence, that's for sure.
Unfortunately for Deion, he wasn't too legit to commit pass
interference on every play but he WAS apparently too legit to
hit...ANYTHING...EVER...in baseball OR football - unless you count the
mother of all sissy-fights Deion had with Andre Rison, I guess.
And then there was D.J. Dozier - the only man of the
two-sport players movement to be completely awful at both baseball and
football. Completely awful. As a baseball player, Dozier
sure made a good tailback. As a football player, Dozier
sure...well...umm...well...he was probably able to fetch Gatorade for
Herschel Walker well enough. And I assume Dozier probably would
have made for a better playoff coach than Jerry Burns, too. But
other than that - Eww.
Dozier was an over-hyped Penn State RB (Ahh, Penn State RB's!
When will NFL teams EVER LEARN?) who was undersized and fragile and too
slow a-foot to make a good pro - which, of course, didn't prevent the
Vikings from wasting a 1987 first-round pick on him. (Vikings
fans actually consider that a GOOD pick for that era since it wasn't a
pick sent to Dallas in the Herschel Walker deal.)
After showing a glimpse or two as a rookie (7 TD's!), Dozier quickly
went on to set pro standards for former Penn State RB's that shames
even Curtis Enis and Blair Thomas. Yeah. THAT STINKY.
So after three years if doing not much of anything for the Vikings,
Dozier finally got cut. Facing unemployment, one often gets
strange ideas, trust me. For Dozier, the idea was to call up
cousin Dwight Gooden for a shot with the Mets. Why not?
Dozier WAS drafted by the Tigers out of high school, after all - those
skills couldn't have gotten THAT rusty, right? And hey, if Bo and
Deion can do the two-sport deal anyone can, right? Right?
Right? 
Umm...well...with all the ugliness of the early-90's Mets, Dozier
was...well...he wasn't a lit fire cracker thrown into a crowd or bleach
tossed on a reporter or masturbation in the bullpen. But, yeah,
he was...fitting for his time and place. Even worse than Deion
bad. So bad that after his initial year of minor league ball,
Dozier somehow conned the Lions into giving him a shot as a
kick-returner - with the expected results.
Back to baseball with that pesky football career out of the way, Dozier
finally made it to the Mets and...stinks to high heaven. Stinks
too badly for even the '92 Mets. Stinks so badly that the Mets
somehow peddle him away to San Diego in a package for Tony
Fernandez. Stinks so badly that even Dozier got the hint that
baseball wasn't for him. Yeah.
And that was that for the worst of the two-sport guys. But
there's no need to weep for Dozier considering he got all those
paychecks for doing next to nothing. He's since moved on to a new
level of multitasking - running his own ministry, working for an
internet marketing company and doing some coaching for semi-pro
football teams. Ahh, the beauty of versatility!