Ahh, Charlie! Old-looking from birth, always greasy-sweaty-grubby-grungy-icky, moving like a sloth on valium. He was so brutally ugly that his ball cards were action photos taken from three stadiums away - and that couldn't really shield the unsuspecting from a gag reflex.
I'm certain kids growing up in Texas in the 80's had many a nightmare because of him. I know I had a few and I had the good fortune of never having to see him too often. My reoccurring nightmare was of Charlie Hough having a mole body and chasing me around...really-really-really slowly...leaving behind him a slime trail as he tried to catch me and steal my soul for Oddibe McDowell and Pete Incaviglia to feast on. Of course, Hough would always get beat back by anyone who could pick up a bat. Ahh, dreams true to life!
Yeah, not only was Hough...unusually handsome but he
was...well...on the knuckleballer scale with Hoyt Wilhelm and Phil
Neikro being a 10 and the Mark Lemke knuckleball experiment being a 0,
Hough was...somewhere between Lemke and Joe Neikro. OK-OK, so
playing on those godawful Rangers teams of the '80's wouldn't make
anyone look too good (even a babe-magnet like Hough),
but...well...Hough could eat innings - probably small children too but
that's just a guess.Aww, no matter. Hough was a perfectly acceptable creepy-crawly workhorse who was serviceable enough to go from middle-innings guy and closer with the Dodgers (where he gained infamy for giving up Reggie Jackson's 3rd dong in Game 6 of the '77 World Series) to yoeman-like starter for the Rangers, White Sox and even - Yes, the first ever starting pitcher for the Florida Marlins.
But really, it's only Hough's ugliness that matters. Sure, the Barry Zito's of the world get all the endorsements and the better Baseball Annie's, but can they strike fear in children's hearts like Charlie Hough? Can the pretty boys make the awkward youth feel better about their own adolescent goofiness like Charlie Hough did? Can the metrosexuals of the world double for Mr. Haney of Green Acres like Charlie Hough could? I think not.
Yeah. So here's to Charlie Hough: a man as ugly, physically, as he was on the mound.
The Charlie Hough Shrine???
Charlie Hough's Baseball Reference Page - with the weirdest page sponsor ever