League Champions Series Previews - By The
Numbers
Truth is, we are lazy. We've fessed up to that from the get-go. You know that. Why do
you try to deny? And with the laziness, there's the fact that we are
really-really-really-really-really afraid of aiding in stirring up the poo-storm when it comes to the obnoxiousness of the fans
involved in this
ALCS -
What You WILL See/Hear -
100,000,000 billion-trillion-gazillion - number of times Tim
McCarver, Bob Brenly or Joe
Buck will attempt a really lame pun/joke or provide a useless piece of
information that will make you want to shove your first down their throat
125 billion - number of people with lame, out-of-date goatess/bad facial hair decisions and poor choices of hair
styles shown throughout the series in both ballparks - Red Sox players included
7.25
billion - number of times the Yankee "Mystique" and "Aura"
are bandied about
7 billion - number of times FOX will use the words
"Babe Ruth" or "Bambino" and "curse" in the same
sentence throughout the series.
7 billion - number of times we will be reminded that the Red
Sox haven't won a World Series since 1918
7 billion - number of times we will be told that Curt
Schilling is ALL MAN
7 billion - number of times we will be told that Curt
Schilling is a BIG GAME PITCHER
6.95
billion - number of times Ben Affleck is shown in the crowd
6.75
billion - number
of times Ben Affleck is interviewed
6.5 billion - number of times you wish death upon Ben
Affleck and FOX for making you miss an important play in a game while they show
him repositioning his hairpiece
6.25 billion - number of times you chuckle when reminded
that Ben Affleck's movie career is just a shade brighter than Paulie Shore's
6.0 billion - number of times a "celebrity" is
shown at Yankee Stadium whose career died years ago
5.75
billion - number of promos for FOX'S new medical drama, HOUSE, M.D.
5.5
billion - number of times the actor playing the crippled lead character from HOUSE,
M.D.is shown in the crowd
5.25 billion - number of times you will wish death upon that
actor playing the crippled lead character in HOUSE, M.D.
5.0 billion - number of times Aaron Boone's 2003 home run will be shown
4.75 billion - number of times we are shown Don Zimmer's
2003 comical attack on Pedro
2.5 billion - times a former Yankee legend is shown in
Steinbrenner's executive suite, as if their presence means something
1 billion - number of times we are told that the Red Sox
believe "defense wins championships"
1 billion - number of times the "veteran presence"
phrase is thrown about
10 million - number of times Mel Stottlemyre
is shown calling the Yankees bullpen
9.75 million - number of times Grady Little's
non-call to the bullpen in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS is referenced
5 million - numer of times we will
be reminded that Alex Rodriguez was almost traded to the Red Sox before the
season
1 million and 1 - number of times we are reminded that Derek
Jeter is the CAPTAIN of the Yankees
1 million - number of times Derek Jeter is verbally fellated by FOX announcers
for doing something fundamentally sound
1 million - number of times we are reminded that Johnny
Damon has long hair and a beard
1 million - number of times FOX announcers pussy-foot around
saying that Damon looks like Jesus
1 million - number of times you will be reminded that Nomar Garciaparra was traded away
from
1 million - number of times we are told that Mariano Rivera
blew a couple of saves against the Red Sox this year
1 million
- number of times we will be told that Pedro Martinez is a free
agent at the end of the season
1 million - number of times we will be told that Pedro
Martinez isn't a good pitcher anymore
1 million - number of times we will be told that the Red Sox
turned their season around thanks to Jason Varitek
pushing his catcher's mitt in Alex Rodriguez's face
750,000 - number of times Bob Brenly reminds us that he beat the Yankees in the 2001
World Series
500,000 - number of times Bob Brenly reminds us that he managed Curt Schilling
180,000 - number of times Derek
Jeter's parents are shown in attendance
100,000 - number of times Stephen
King is shown in attendance at Fenway, making you
wonder when he has the time to write all 3,000 of those crappy books he churns
out monthly
25,000 - number of business-suited
yuppies on cell phones in camera view at every game in Yankee Stadium
4-7 - times the national anthem is murdered by some American
Idol reject
0 - number of times Bob Brenly
will be reminded that he did everything in his power to blow the 2001 World
Series
0 - number of times Billy Crystal and/or Robin Williams does
something while mugging for the cameras that makes you laugh
What You WON'T See/Hear -
275 million - households outside of the
700,000 - number of times Scott
Williamson and BYK will be slyly flip the bird at the TV screen when we are
told that Curt Schilling is a great teammate
1 - explaination that the Red Sox
turned their season around thanks to a spell of good luck in the second half
that made up for them being extremely unlucky in the first half - Oh,
yeah. And that Manny Ramirez and David
Ortiz are really-really-really great hitters
1 - explaination why Derek Jeter suddenly looks like
an almost-league average defensive SS thanks to Miguel Cairo and Alex Rodriguez
covering for him
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NLCS -
What You WILL See/Hear -
100 trillion - number of times Leo Mazzone
rocks back and forth on the bench throughout the series
1
million - number of times Bob Gibson is shown in attendence
at Bush Stadium, making you think that he'd STILL be a better starting pitcher
than anything the Cards trot out
850,000 - number of
times you chuckle when a statement is made about Albert Pujols's
greatness that includes the phrase "and he is only (insert fake age
here)"
750,00 - number of times Al Leiter will question the toughness of a pitcher who doesn't
throw more than 120 pitches in a game
650,000 - tendons torn in the
shoulders and elbows of Cardinals pitchers by the end of the NLCS
500,000 - number of times we will
be told that the Braves have really good starting pitching
500,000 - number of times we are told that
90,000 - number of times Tony LaRussa and Bobby Cox are described as "hall of fame
managers who never get enough credit"
89,500 - roster moves made by Tony LaRussa and Bobby Cox that will make you go, "What the
hell are they smoking?"
89,250 - number of times Bobby Cox
is shown picking his nose and Tony LaRussa is shown
fluffing his mullet
55,000 - number of times you'll see
Larry Walker and think "My God, he looks like a serial killer"
45,000 - empty seats in Turner
Field
800 - needless double switches
500 - needless double switches that
blow up in LaRussa and Cox's faces
180
- number of catchers carried on each roster
90 proof - in Rafael Furcal's
Gatorade cup
4-7 - number of times the games will bore you to sleep in
the middle innings
4-7 - number of times the national anthem is murdered by
some CMT regular most of
3.5 - hours it will take to get to the seventh pitching
change of each game
What You WON'T See/Hear -
300 million - households outside of St. Louis that hates both
teams
1 - special ceremony by MENSA before Game 7 where Bobby Cox and Tony LaRussa are welcomed into the fold.
1- number of times Rafael Furcal's ankle house-arrest anklet is shown
1 - number of times Tony LaRussa shows humility