| Bill |
Phil |
|---|---|
| So, Johnny Damon says he's going
to retire if the Red Sox
don't give him a five year deal. Assuming he won't take the Tigers
inevitable multi-year offer, what's next for JD? Realistically, there
is only one solution. Showtime porn. You're telling me you wouldn't
want to watch Shannon Tweed seduce Johnny Damon, potsmoking pool boy? |
Yeesh... ESPN unleashed another
hideous game show on the world.
Of course, Stuart Scott has to feed his family but still. This one is a
horrific remake of the Newlywed Game called Teammates. (Insert funky
spelling - it's not the WWE so no extra X, Y or Zs). There is only one
way this show will be good. And that will be when someone answers "In
the ass." And only if that person is Jennie Finch. |
| I'll make an agreement,
ESPN.com. How about you NEVER EVER MAKE A
SPLASH PAGE WITH BRACKETS EVER AGAIN. And in return, I will...let Bill
Simmons jack our jokes and write about us on SOSH without threatening a
lawsuit. That lawsuit would never go to trial - you don't want to see
Bill Simmons on the stand - I mean, think about how off-putting his
voice is already. If he was under pressure? Oh boy. |
Fox Soccer Channel is pretty
much my favorite station on TV right now
but that hasn't prevented me from noticing how ECWish it is. I mean
they run the same 3 commericals over and over again (The Netscape one
is tolerable because the chick is cute. Star Kick has the potential to
become the next Tom Emanski). The rest of the time is filled with
commericals for their own product. JUST ANOTHER NIGHT IN EPL!!! WATCH
THE NIGHT CRISTIANO RONALDO DANCED A TOP OLD TRAFFORD!!! And yes, I
believe the voice overs for the Argentine Clausura fixtures are taped
in Max Bertos' mom's basement. |
| I'm not sure when I first
started suspecting that ESPN wasn't really
about sports any more - but I think I figured it out when it finally
hit me - reading the page 2 article by a professional poker player
covering the season finale of a poker drama being aired on the network.
Meanwhile, they can't stump up a dime for freaking hockey games. I
blame Chris Berman. God, I hate Chris Berman. |
Okay, so Pedro Gomez was
assigned by ESPN to cover just Barry Bonds.
Now, with Bonds a cripple for awhile, what exactly is Gomez doing? Does
he go over to the Bonds home and help out with the chores? Offer to run
down to the local Starbucks? Is he spotting Bonds during his rehab?
Does he sleep in till 3, never get out of his PJs and send
taunting
emails to Kenny Mayne? |
| ESPN's running ads for Chris Berman's yearly triple-shot on SportsCenter like it's something that people are going to look forward to and tune into. Is there anyone out there who's thinking - "You know, SportsCenter's really, really monotonous nowadays. I really wish there was someone who wasn't dependent on making up faux nicknames, pretending they're buddies with the athletes, and endlessly relying on unfunny catchph-CHRIS BERMAN'S GOING TO BE ON?!? CALL THE BOYS! BUY A 30-RACK!", followed by some rumble stumble thing that I'm not hip enough to pay attention to. Regardless - let's say you like Chris Berman. Isn't Chris Berman really only liked by people who enjoy the NFL coverage? Is a hockey fan going to tune in and enjoy Berman butchering people's names, like he does when he hosts the studio coverage of one of the NHL finals games each year? That's worth watching only to hear Gary Thorne have to humor Super-Senility. | So the United States is going to provide Greece with radiation detection equipment to be used at the world's most unhyped Summer Olympics. The mind brims with questions. Is this the same equipment used to find the WMDs? Is this the same equipment used to find the illegal drugs used by the sprinters? Is this the same equipment used to find the steriods used by the weightlifters? Will it be set off everytime there is a protest of the national anthem? Will it be used to detect all the unfinished Olympic venues scattered around Greece? Will it be used to find the US soccer team? or the US baseball team? Can they use it to locate Rolan Gardner's missing toes? Can the equipment be traded in by NBC to recoup some of the money that will be lost on this fiasco? |
| Ok - so Ronan
Tynan is going to
be performing at Ronald Reagan's
funeral.
The real question, of course, is who will sing "God Bless America" at
Yankee Stadium?
Is George Steinbrenner going to charter a plane to get him back in
time? How does this work? |
George has Ray Charles killed
and then plays "God Bless America". It
was actually quite the ingenious ploy. |
| In
Game 4 of the Red Sox-Yankees series, the Red Sox tied it up in the
bottom of the ninth. They then loaded the bases with 2 out. David Ortiz
came up to bat, and...Jason Varitek went into the on-deck circle. Now -
think about this people. What possible situation could occur that would
result in Varitek getting up to bat? None. There is no possible
situation that would result in Varitek getting up to bat. Nobody
mentioned this. Do you think that Varitek mentioned it to Francona and
Francona said, "That's bush. Get up there." I can't be the only person
who noticed this. |
You have to hope
that the NHL's new TV deal with NBC is better than the
current deal with ABC. I mean, Game 2 of the Stanley Cup was shown on
ESPN because ABC felt the need to air Coyote Ugly. Is Game 5 going to
be bumped so the station can air Air Bud 5? At least NBC would be
bumping the game for the 58th replay of the Friends Series Finale. |
| Who do you think gets to make the decision on where Kurt Warner goes? I think Doug Christie's wife has more input into that than Kurt does. | So that there
Sasser virus is going around town. This begs a variety of
questions of course: When infecting your computer, does it do so with
a Southern twang? Does the virus also have a .296 career OBP? Is it
unable to throw the ball back to the pitcher? |
| How much would it take for me to sleep with Mrs. Warner, you ask? Well, I'd need to see Ozzie Guillen and Dusty Baker in a fistfight at home plate at Wrigley Field. Dusty can either use his hands or try and choke him with Mark Prior's elbow ligaments. Whichever he prefers. It can even be a night game. | There are about a million reasons to hate ESPN and broadcasting Mike & Mike on ESPNews is just another step. Other than Dan Patrick and John Thompson, these two are probably the last two people I want to listen to talk about sports or life. And did anyone run this by Michael Kim first? Brother has got to eat. Do you think Kim paces around the studios in Bristol fighting the urge to crush in Scott Van Pelt's skull with a boom mic? |
| Other fights that need to happen: Keith Van Horn vs. Wally Sczerbiak...Corey Dillon vs. Ty Law...Victoria Beckham vs. Rebecca Loos...Julio Franco vs. Mark Messier. That wouldn't be much of a fight (Jesus Juice and all) but you gotta figure maybe Dave Semenko makes a run-in or something. | Okay - so Derek Jeter was in a 0-576 slump, hits a home run and "magically" ends his slump, despite getting like one more hit in his next 10 at-bats.. I am confused, I always thought the point of a slumpbuster was to get out of the funk not go right back in it. I mean, you don't sleep with the Delta Delta Delta just to become celibate for the next 40 months. |
| Do you think Sammy Farha turns on ESPN once in a while, sees Chris Moneymaker bluffing him out of a giant pot with nothing in the next-to-last hand of the 2003 World Series of Poker for the 803rd time, and punches his furniture? Does Sammy Farha even have furniture? | You have to hope that the NHL's new TV deal with NBC is better than the current deal with ABC. I mean, Game 2 of the Stanley Cup was shown on ESPN because ABC felt the need to air Coyote Ugly. Is Game 5 going to be bumped so the station can air Air Bud 5? At least NBC would be bumping the game for the 58th replay of the Friends Series Finale. |
| Absolute
greatest thing I've seen this week is ESPN's The Season,
covering the first half of the Colorado Avalanche season. Why is it so
great? Because JAMES HETFIELD is the narrator. I don't know who came up
with the idea - or more importantly, who signed off on it, but it's
really the pinnacle of ESPN programming recently. Sadly, he doesn't
talk about their organ-i-zation or about Peter Forsberg's unfortunate
dasher accident. Was the lead singer of Barenaked Ladies not
available??? |
As I was searching my collection of baseball cards for a usable shot of Cory Snyder for ED's FPOTM, I kept coming across a million Brook Jacoby cards. And I seriously debated using one just to see if anyone noticed the difference. I mean was there a bigger team of folks who just kinda all blended together than the Indians of the late 80s? Did I just make Pat Tabler cry? Tony Bernazard? Bret Butler? Andre Thornton? |
| Sometimes
I wish I had Doug Pappas on speed dial. I understand how
people can be angry about Major League Baseball putting the bases on
sale to the highest bidder. I'm okay with that. But what's with the
articles accusing MLB of selling out? I mean - selling out? It's a
freaking multi-billion dollar corporation that's sold advertising on
every part of the game. It's not as if the people who are complaining
are supporting their local baseball scene or anything. And besides -
marketing people are getting boring. I say sponsor a person who runs on
the field with a giant Spider-Man II logo on his chest who manages to
elude the "security", ala the Nike commercial. Or have Kirsten Dunst
work at an Atlanta-area Hooters for a month. Everyone wins! |
I can't be the only person who saw the news this week that Seattle Mariners General Manager Bill Bavasi declared that there are three untouchable players on the Ms - Jamie Moyer, Edgar Martinez and Dan Wilson. Ignoring the fact how ridiculous it is for two 40-somethings to be on the "untouchable" list, DAN WILSON?!?!?!?!?! First - is it really worth not exploring trade opportunities for a 35 year old catcher with a career OPS+ of 82? Second - you just traded for a younger catcher with moderate potential. Third - is there really that much a demand for Dan Freakin Wilson that you have to declare that you aren't going to trade him? Maybe Bavasi wants to keep Wilson around for personal protection. Of course, he would have to realize that he would want Don Wilson not Dan Wilson. |
| The highlight
of the NBA lottery
was NOT Diana Taurasi being there - if
like Cotton Fitzsimmons had been there and started hitting on her,
maybe it'd be another story. Instead - magically - it was Chris Bosh.
Mike Tirico, wanting to liven things up a little, asked Chris "How do
they
treat lottery picks in Toronto?", for Chris to reply "They treat them
goooood". What's going on here?? Is there some sort of secret lottery
pick strip club that I don't know about? Is Mike Tirico the DJ? How did
I miss this place when I went there? |
There was that issue of Sports Illustrated a few weeks ago that allowed them to carry on about how stupid fantasy sports were. You know, the one that featured Jennie Finch and her team "Fourth and Finches" (Much better name would be Jencrombie & Finch. Jennie, you can contact my boy Marc Manning, to discuss the approriate naming rights fee.) This was the issue that showed Meatloaf's baseball draft and let's be honest, we all want a guy like Meatloaf in our leagues. The guy who will, with the 4th pick in the third round, select Billy Wagner. The guy who will not only select Placido Polanco but select him in the 10th round. The guy who will draft three catchers. The guy who will draft Pokey Reese. |
| Denmark-Sweden
did in fact end
up being fun. But the real best moment
of the first round of Euro 2004? Antonio Cassano scoring the goal to
put Italy ahead against Bulgaria, turning to his bench in glee, seeing
the somber faces that he knew meant that Denmark-Sweden was 2:2, and
getting sadder than sad instantenously. I hereby dub thee the ANTONIO
CASSANO FACE. Runner-up for new Face of the week is the Billy Knight
face, for when you get pipped to drafting the one guy who will turn
around your franchise. It's like having someone grab your starting QB
in fantasy football's backup five seconds after he gets concussed. Not
that I've never done that. I'm not even a Marc Bulger fan. |
VH1's I Love The 90s was quite the bounty of bizarro sports related humorous moments. Like Venus Williams showcasing her fangs. Or Warren Moon showing up just to pimp Ally McBeal. Or more appropriately Ray Buchanan commenting on just video games and Iced Tea. Both Stuart Scott - who mentioned foreskin WAY to many times to make anyone feel comfortable - and Rich Eisen were on and I wondered if they had to be kept in seperate rooms as to prevent Eisen mocking Scott's wandering eye and so Scott wouldn't point out the horrific career choices that Eisen has made. The thing that stood out most for me is that the producers sure loved to find black running backs who gained 1000 yards and blew out their knees. How else do you explain both Terrell Davis and Jamal Anderson making multiple appearences? Are you telling me that they were more deserving of a paycheck than Barry Foster? or Christian Okoye? or Robert Smith? or Chris Warren? |
| Washington
trades the #5 pick in
the draft, Jerry Stackhouse, and the
guy who used to be on the Dream Team for...Dallas' 6th man? Did Michael
Jordan conduct a hostile takeover of the Wizards again or something? |
ESPN did this tour of NFL training camps and the only thing I took away from it is that Trey Wingo has the worst hair in TV sports right now. Can someone please let him know that the wet-finger-meets-electrical-outlet look doesn't really fly with the ladies. |
| I was watching Monday Night Football this week and they showed the Lombardi Trophy and I thought to myself -- that thing isn't very impressive, no sir. The NBA's trophy is pretty similar, so that's no better; MLB's trophy at least has pennants and other minutae in the mix, but no trophy really compares to the Stanley Cup. And, obviously, the Stanley Cup isn't in use this year. So, I thought, couldn't the NHL lease out the Stanley Cup to the NFL this year? I mean, teams only get to have it for a few months and they schedule the players' time with it with that in mind, so the Lightning or whoever won the freaking thing last year should have their time with it up right about now. And, I mean, if the NHL is THAT cash-strapped, they could probably make a decent amount of cash on the deal. God knows the Super Bowl celebration would look better with the Cup. This needs to happen. | So I was flipping around the other day and come across one of the first games of the new German Bundesliga season. This one was pitting Bayern Munich (who still have Oliver Kahn in net. Kahn, you will remember from the '02 World Cup, as being the most masculine looking David Bowie ever) against Hamburg SV. Oh wait, no, I am sorry. Bayern Munich was playing "Hamburger". Yup, that is what is said on my TIVO Guide. Are you kidding me? Seriously, can we as a nation be any more disrespectful to other nations? Is next week going to feature the classic Serie A battle of cheeses between Romano and Parmigiano? |
| In doing research on the Padres I was looking at their organizational roster for 2002 and I noticed - Mewelde Moore is there. I think that's a coincidence until I look it up and find out - it is the same Mewelde Moore. (For those of you who are unaware, Moore is now one of the 1000 Viking running backs). I wonder how that transaction worked. Did Kevin Towers get a Super Bowl ticket in return? Did Mike Tice promise to not tell anyone he saw Ken Caminiti shooting up? I need to know these things. | How is it possible that William
Perry's cameo on the ESPN Fantasy
Football commerical (and God Lord, do I want to murder the next
"GETTING THE LEAGUE BACK TOGETHER" person. Sadly, there are probably
million of 19 year old stoners who think this is next "Where's The
Beef?") isn't the most embarassing William Perry commerical of the
moment? Am I the only person in America who has seen the Coors Light
commerical with Perry and John Elway and Terry Bradshaw (amongst
others) singing? (Of course, it's bad.) That ad alone wants me to
become straight edge. Yeesh. I wonder if the NFL credited Bruce Smith
with three more sacks just for ruining his career a little more. |
| I think if your starting quarterback or running back gets hurt in Madden, the odds of your replacement QB or RB goes up about 7000%. Just a thought. | AWESOME! Georghe Muresan runs a
basketball clinic for kids in the area.
That is so the greatest thing in the history of things. I am so sending
my son there. I mean he is going to be tall, pasty, gangly and ugly
anyway, I might as well send him to the best. |
| On DirecTV, they have a guide that displays what's on for every channel. If you highlight the channel information, it gives a little blurb about what content the channel offers. What, do you ask, does ESPN2 offer? "An exciting, fast-paced mix of sports events, news, information, and entertainment, plus pro hockey." Aww...that's just mean. |
The drive to Kissimmee, FL is an ugly, ugly one but it also presents the poorest poor man's American road trip. And I am not even counting the minor league baseball stadium on the next street over from my mother-in-law's (which may or may not currently house a team) or the SPHL hockey team (SEALS~!) whose parking lot we accidentally drove through while trying to get home from dinner. Going along I-95, you pass right by Darlington and Daytona, and lets face it, its not that far off the beaten path to get to RIR. Of course, I still loved the bizarre mix of Daytona and the LPGA. I am assuming this means Michelle Wie will be wearing Little E thong next year or something. You also experience driving straight through Jacksonville which clearly has the feel of a city trying to make itself artificially bigger. Like a video game that just makes you wander back and forth through empty corridors so you think its taking a lot longer to finish. If the signage is to be believe Jacksonville is 7291 miles long as I believe the sign for entering Jacksonville started around Daytona Beach and ended around South of the Border. WE HOSTED A SUPER BOWL~! Now, it could have been because it was 2 am and since my wife "needed" to sleep, I was still driving (mind you I ended up driving 10 of the 13 hours) as we were going through North Carolina. The think that almost made me run off the road was that there was a big billboard for the North Carolina Sports Hall of Fame. Now, while I have no problems with the state having its own Hall of Fame, it was the billboard that was odd. Because the poster child was.... Trot Nixon?!?!?!?!?!?! Was Wes Helms phone number disconnected? Did James Baldwin demand too high of a fee? Is Razor Shines that ugly? And Trot Nixon isn't even IN the North Carolina Sports Hall of Fame!!! At least according to Wikipedia IDIOT! SCRAP! RINGS! Clearly, this was the highlight of the trip. |
| I really like the Giants
strategy of threatening to sign really
terrible people to make me at least tolerate the players they
eventually will sign. Sure, Plaxico Burress sounds bad at first, but
DAVID TERRELL?!?!? Kendrick Clancy is probably a product of the
Steelers' sche...CHRIS HOVAN?!? The guy who couldn't crack the VIKINGS
defense? Oh, I miss George Young. |
If I was smart, I would include
this in the Baseball Preview thus
having to write less then but oh well. I present... THINGS
JIM BOWDEN WOULD PAY $100K FOR
|
| Now, after I moved I never got the FOX Soccer Channel because shortly after I moved, my fancy paid-for-by-poker TV (which also didn't give me any action) was stolen. Since I didn't get a TV to replace it, I am yet to watch a single Premiership game this year. Not one. Is this a good idea? YES. You cannot imagine the fantasies I have in my head about what has happened so far this season. Petr Cech's injury? I am convinced that Stephen Hunt laid him out with some super knee strike or something. On the other hand, Didier Drogba's goal scoring exploits? Haven't happened. He still sucks. | I know I am really late to this party but does anyone at any of the networks who broadcast games actually listen to their announcers during the game. I mean Dick Enberg might as well have had a stroke the way he slurs and stumbles his way through games. I understand the local radio stations having fossilized crews to appeal to the shutins who can actually watch the TV anymore because it is too loud and flashy and full of that there pornography. Of course, I could easily see CBS thinking "Hey - everyone else used Pat Summerall forever. We have a cheaper, younger version!" And CBS does tend to skew towards the older viewers. Okay - maybe this is a brilliant marketing decision. Bully for you Les! |
| A few months ago I was doing one
of my three billion commutes up to New York. It was a misty, crappy
night and the Red Sox were in Baltimore to play the Orioles. I happened
to be going up the B/W Parkway right around 7ish (thanks to the usual
parking lot that is the Beltway); in fact I was nearing Baltimore
proper. And at one point someone driving a SUV was speeding and weaving
in and out of traffic, cutting everyone off. The license plate on the
vechile was something that worked out to be "Greek God" (like GREKGOD
or IGRKGOD or something). So of course two things came to mind. A) I
guess the game is still being played. B) Man, Kevin Youkilis is an
agreesive driver. |
|
| Rippa (5:54:15 PM): HA! I love
the
Dick Vermil replacing Dennis Green rumor ED (5:54:50 PM): aww ED (5:54:53 PM): that ED (5:54:54 PM): yeah Rippa (5:56:06 PM): aww... I should really do a Q&D were I pick the Top 10 people that would make Marc cry ED (5:57:40 PM): Joe Bugel? ED (5:57:48 PM): Bob Brenly? Rippa (5:57:50 PM): hehehehe Rippa (5:57:58 PM): Okay - I am definitely doing this now ED (5:57:59 PM): STUMP!!! Rippa (5:58:11 PM): Stump Merrill or Stump Mitchell? ED (5:58:15 PM): that way they can hire him then fire him and win the Super Bowl Rippa (5:58:18 PM): I think Marc would like Stump Mitchell ED (5:58:20 PM): oh goddamin it ED (5:58:24 PM): BUCK! Rippa (5:58:27 PM): HA! ED (5:58:30 PM): hehehehehehe ED (5:59:18 PM): I suck Rippa (6:00:16 PM): Oh yeah - that's the Q&D right there |