2004
World Series Preview
By
Mr. Ed Agner, unaffiliated sports fan
Hmm. Let's see, so many annoying and detestable
forces in the universe sqaring off - the woe-is-me
Red Sox fans v. the "we're the greatest fans on earth" Cardinals
fans; Curt Schilling's lunkheadedness v. Tony LaRussa's ultra-fine mullet, the most umkempt
team in the history of baseball v. a whole bunch of Midwestern squares. And then there's McCarver
and Buck. Yeah, I won't mind falling
asleep early during these games.
OVERVIEW
The
Red Sox overcame a whole spate of bad luck to make a run at the Yankees for the
AL East crown, only to fall just short.
They manhandled a scary yet flawed Angels team in the ALDS thanks to
good starting pitching and bad Angels defense.
Then...look away, Phil...they did the impossible and came back to take
the Yankees when down 3-0 in the series thanks to neutralizing the middle of
the Yanks order and eating alive the soft spots in the Yankees rotation and
bullpen over the last four games.
The
Cards unexpectedly ran away from the NL Central pack thanks to surprisingly
solid starting pitching and a hellacious offense. They whipped the Dodgers in the NLDS thanks
to the Dodgers not having any sort of starting pitching. Then they eked out a win over the Astros in the NLCS thanks to
STARTING PITCHING
RED
SOX - The biggest selling point of either team here, of course, is that the Sox
have the 1-2 pitching punch of Pedro Martinez and Curt Schilling. And that should be a week of hell for the
Cardinal bats. Granted, Pedro isn't the
Pedro of lore but he's still a damn fine pitcher, and of course, Schilling has
an ankle injury that can go at any time (especially if one were to, I don't
know, make him field his position *cough*drag bunt *cough*), so that's not
necessarily the weapon most thought it would be when the Sox loaded up with the
two before the season. And too Red Sox
Manager Terry Francona made one of a million peculiar
decisions in the ALCS and had Pedro throw an inefective
inning of relief in Game 7 that backed Pedro and Schilling into being the Game
2 and 3 starters - but also the probable Game 6 and 7 starters, so there ya go. Game 1
starter, Tim Wakefield had his first true off season in years and only
demonstrated a grasp at how to mostly throttle the Yankees, while Game 4
starter, Derek Lowe is apparently on a post-season salary drive since he too
pretty much had a lost season this year until shutting down the Yankees in Game
7 of the ALCS.
CARDINALS
- The Cards on the other hand are trotting out a rotation of Woody Williams,
Jason Marquis, Matt Morris and...Bill chuckles...Jeff Suppan. Eww. Jeff Suppan
pitching in the World Series? In Fenway? ROPE-A-DOPE!!! While I like Marquis and have liked Morris
back before LaRussa gobbled up his arm, they aren't
exactly guys you ride to a title. OK, so
Woody Williams is maybe better than I give him credit for, too. But man, Jeff
Suppan's in your rotation? That
ADVANTAGE: Red Sox
BULLPEN
RED
SOX - Keith Foulke is the best reliever in the
game. There. I said it.
Get used to it. Sure, he doesn't
have the reputation of Mariano Rivera, but Foulke
didn't blow 3 saves in this post-season either.
Eric Gagne? Ehh. We shall see.
Gagne's 2003 season had Eckersley-like
over-protection and this season showed some flaws. I guess if Foulke
had a better gimmick, he'd get the attention he deserves. Instead, he'll have to be content with a shot
at a ring. The rest of the Sox pen is
kind of hard to get a handle on, really.
Timlin and Enbree
are fine-ish set-up guys - even if Embree was hardly used enough in the ALCS for whatever
reason. Sox fans will still have the
antacids close by when either of them get in a game, but at least they're not
Calvin Schiraldi and Bob Stanley. Adding Bronson Arroyo to the mix will be
mighty helpful come the NL park games.
Curt Leskanic and Mike Myers define the word
fungible. And Ramiro Mendoza might have
been thrown in Boston Harbor after Game 3 of the ALCS, I'm not certain.
CARDINALS
- Jason Isringhausen, Ray King, Julian Tavarez. In a time
when oil goes for almost $55/barrell, one shouldn't be so free with throwing
gasoline on a fire. Ick. OK-OK, I know, I know. I just wanted to use that joke. Umm...well, one would suppose that Ray King
may as well room with David Ortiz because the two will be seeing a WHOLE lot of
each other over the next week. Though I
can't imagine why anyone would throw a strike to Ortiz at this point. Julian Tavarez may
be the funniest man alive for a variety of reasons - not the least of which
being that he can bust his hand punching something without completely Kevin Brown'ing himself - but...umm...well, at least he's ugly
enough to possible scare someone into making an out. That's his best hope. And Jason Isringhausen...was
once a ruined Mets prospect and is now a rich man thanks to the save
rule...umm...and I'm certain his family loves him...umm...and I've never seen
him commit a crime. Yeesh. In the middle, Kiko
Calero and Dan Haren should
have nice futures ahead of them...I mean, you know, AFTER this series. Feeding those two to the Red Sox isn't adviseable but who am I to question a man tough enough to
still wear a mullet? Steve Kline would
hopefully have been thrown by the wayside by now considering he's too hurt to
pitch but this is a Tony Ray Cyrus team, so who knows?
ADVANTAGE:
Red Sox
OFFENSE
RED
SOX - Let's face it, the Sox are almost entirely powered by Manny Ramirez and
David Ortiz. What is essential for the
two is that Johnny Damon get on base a whole lot for them. Against that pitching staff, I can't see how
that wouldn't happen. Putting Bill Mueller in the number two spot instead of
Mark Bellhorn or Orlando Carbrera
would be adviseable but who am I to question Manager
Von Raschke?
Everyone else in the Sox offense gets on base enough and has enough pop
to be useful, but pitchers don't sweat too much once you get past the four spot
in the Sox line-up.
CARDINALS
- I like the thought of two of the best right hand hitters in the game - in
Ramirez and Albert Pujols - squaring off. Too bad they both don't get to face the same
crappy Cardinals pitching staff. On the
whole, I like the Cards line-up more than I do the Sox thanks to the number of
people around Pujols - Scott Rolen,
Larry Walker Jim Edmonds and Edgar Renteria - yet the
Cards also have more easy outs - Tony Womack and Mike Matheny - AND the Cards
have to face a tougher rotation than the Red Sox will. So that kinda
equals out, really. Still, the Cards
have more quality and quantity so, I'll give 'em the
nod here.
ADVANTAGE: Cardinals sorta
DEFENSE
RED
SOX - In case you haven't heard, Kid Genuis Theo traded
away Nomar Garciaparra for
Orlando Cabrerra and the Sox now have the best
defense since the '00 Ravens. Or
something. Maybe I've heard a few Sox
fans exaggerate that a bit. Who knows? Anyway, point is that the Sox defense DID
improve after the Nomar trade and Cabrera is a nice
shortstop (who, incidentally, will merely be the offseason
consolation prize for whatever team can't sign his opposing shortstop, Edgar Renteria, no matter what you hear) but the improvement in
defense the Sox experienced was more or less a result of luck evening out than
anything - and blaming Nomar for the Sox's early
season errors like FOX did was really-really-really pathetic given that Nomar missed the first couple of months of the season. Anyway, the Sox infield defense is solid
enough, but nothing that spectacular.
Cabrera is the slick fielder there, Mueller is solid at third and the
rest...well...yeah. Of real interest
will be what Manager Von Raschke does in St. Louis to
get David Oritz's bat in the line-up. It's not like he can be that much worse than
Kevin Millar and I would mention that first base defense is overrated but then
I recall the Sox's last WS apperance so...Ahem. In the outfield, Johnny Damon can get to
pretty much everything in his vicinity but he still can't throw. Everyone else...is there to hit.
CARDINALS
- When your only defensive black holes are Tony Womack and Albert Pujols, you have the right to scoff as everyone goes off on
how Kid Theo saved the Sox with the Glove That Cannot Be Spoken. Sure, Jim Edmonds is the most overrated CF
defensive guy since Ken Griffey, Jr. had intact
hamstrings and Larry Walker is living off of his rep, but they're good enough,
along with Reggie Sanders, to give the Cards the edge in the outfield. The strengths in the infield for both teams
are on the left side, and the Cards have a slight edge here thanks to Rolen - with Renteria and Cabrera
being about equal. The right sides are
equally problematic so...ehh. And Matheny is a better glove than Varitek, though he lacks Varitek's
SCRAP~!.
ADVANTAGE:
Cardinals
BENCH
RED
SOX - The Sox are an AL team so the bench is pretty much what you'd expect -
some guys who can sort of hide in the field for a few innings if a guy get
dinged; grow questionable creative facial hair; and pat Curt Schilling on the
back, brag up his manliness and hand him a cup of Gatorade. Dave Roberts is useful as an OF glove and
especially helpful in coming off the bench to steal a base as he did in the
ALCS. Doug Mirabelli
can catch Wakefield's knuckler and has some pop. Doug Misspelling and Pokey Reese
are...umm...into leather, so I'm told.
Kevin Millar will likely be coming off the bench in the St. Louis games
and he's...folksy. Gabe
Kapler is apparently there to represent the Hebrew
Nation. Kevin Youkilis
may or may not be on the roster to show his Greek Godliness. In other words, you've got Roberts and sorta-Millar and nothing much else.
CARDINALS
- This is a Tony LaSkullet team so the bench is
pretty much what you'd expect - some no-hit guys who can sorta
pretend to play like 7 postions but not do any of
them well. I'm disappointed that there
aren't 5 catchers on the roster in the same way I'm disappointed that there
aren't 8 LOOGY's.
I'm guessing ol' Tony didn't have much say in
the roster construction. If there isn't
a bench clearing brawl in this series so So Taguchi
can have it out with Gabe Kapler
for most useless guy on either roster, then I really-really-really won't care
about this series. And since this is
FOX, you know this idea has crossed their collective half-mind - Takuchi in the full-on evil Japanese role complete with
robe and salt throwing and karate kicks, with Kapler
in an Orthodox Jew Red Sox uniform and 300 pound copy of the Torah, squaring
off on the pitching mound for a sitcom to follow Bernie Mac. Like you CAN'T see FOX doing this. Anyway, this is a useless bench. I suppose Marlon Anderson and Roger Cedeno and John Mabry are...umm...Aww,
forget it. This bench sucks. Bring on more racial stereotypes.
ADVANTAGE: Red Sox, sorta
MANAGER
RED
SOX - Terry Von Raschke is fun to watch, really. I remember being like 16 and doing the bubble
gum and chewing tobacco trick too. Ahh, youth.
Wait! The Baron isn't 16? Ohh. OK.
Well, then that's just dumb.
Speaking of dumb - Von Raschke sure did some
strange managing work in the Yankee series.
Yessir.
He got lucky that the Sox players bailed him out from the stupid fate of
Grady Liddledom - otherwise known as lucking into Bob
Brenlydom, or pulling a Homer. But if he doesn't goosetep
around before putting the claw on, I don't care.
CARDINALS
- Tony LaRussa.
We've gone down this road before.
ADVANTAGE:
Re..Ehh. A
push of two zeroes.
BOTTOM
LINE
There
are things you believe you'll never think in life. Like, "I really want to read today's
Dave Barry column,"or "The Eagles really
weren't that bad of a band," or "Phone sex with Bill O'Reilly sounds
hot." Not that I've thought any of
those things, mind you. Well, except for
the O'Reilly thing. But who hasn't thought
of having phone sex with Bill O'Reilly?
Anyway, the fact that I can't see how the Red Sox can lose this series
just...makes me fear for the world, really - not to mention really horks me off when I realize that I just FINALLY paid off my
student loan a month before the apocalypse hits.
I
suppose anything is possible. I mean,
ostensibly, what we're looking at here is...can the Cardinals out punch the Red
Sox? There's no question in my mind that
the Cardinals can't pitch with the Red Sox - in the rotation or in the backend
of the bullpen. So for the Cardinals to
stand a chance they'll have to do everything well fundamentally, play
exceptional defense, hit the crap out of weaker sisters in the Sox pen and rotation
and...well, hope for the Sox to play down to their historic post-season
reputation.
And
that's it...Do you believe in curses or not?
Because I can't see any reason whatsoever for the Sox to lose this
series, otherwise. For the first time in
my life, the Sox HAVE to be the odds-on favorite in a World Series. Think about that. Sure, you could say all you want about '75
and '86 but the Reds and the Mets were the better teams in those series' and
the perceived Sox choke jobs were just luck and divine justice cleaning things
up. In your heart you know that. But this year...if the Sox were to somehow
not win this series...Yeesh.
And
if the Sox win it? Remember to kiss your
loved ones before kissing your butt goodbye.
And now that I think of it, I'd rather the end of the world than having
to hear Sox fans celebrate a world championship.
And
if Bill doesn't get his VETERAN PRESENCE sign on TV then I really-really-really
will be ticked.