The Week That Was 12/26/05 - 1/01/06

ED: Well, it's not like '06 can be any worse than '05. So yeah, ga'head. Bring it on.

PR: Maybe they will let LaVar be this year.

BB: God – can we work blue this year? I hate Phil so much.

NFL

ED: Former Broncos WR Clint Sampson dead at 44.

PR: Did Cleveland blame him for them not making the Super Bowl too?

BB: Next year we really, really need to go with “genres of people” as opposed to individual players for the Dead Pool. WRs of white quarterbacks? Lion MLBs? Christensens? Molinas? Guillens?

ED: Tony Dungy's son: still dead. Still not exploited. Nope Not exploited at all.

PR: Will Indy blame him when they don’t win the Super Bowl?

BB: Does this mean the Yankees are going to win the World Series?

ED: Patriots LB Tedy Bruschi injures his leg. Bruschi's wife files a restraining order to keep Peter King from applying the hot or cold compresses.

PR: And I will move him up a couple more notches in the Death Pool standings.

ED: Playa Movement! The Cowboys release K Billy Cundiff and sign Shaun Suisham. (What? Rafeal Septein couldn't get out on work-release?) The Giants sign LB's Kevin Lewis and Jay Foreman. (To presumably get crippled, too.)

BB: Wait – wait – wasn’t that the guy who almost got into a fight with Mike Matusow at the WSOP? I hate that guy! Screw you Suisham!

PR: I think Cundiff took the crown of player being cut the most in one season by the same team since the Eagles were forced to actually play Darnerien McCants. And I was thinking about this after watching the Giants game and Kevin Lewis literally walking off the street to start. A) The Giants not changing up their defensive schemes enough that Lewis could not play in it for almost a year and play sums up another reason why the Panthers will be slaughtering the Giants. B) Did the Giants offer Jessie Armstead a contract and did he turn down because he was thinking “Damn, I am already old and creaky. I don’t need to play for this team. The pension ain’t that great.”

BB: I am thinking he asked to hook up with one of the Mara granddaughters and Ernie Accorsi had to let him know they were off-limits now. Oh that was inappropriate.

ED: Saints WR Joe Horn - ya know, the guy who forever got on Phil's David Duval side for the cell phone celebration in that Giants game a few years ago - he wants to know why Falcons head coach Jim Mora Jr didn't get fined for actually using a cell phone on the sidelines during the Falcons-Bucs game last week. The answer, Joe, is that Jim Mora Jr, is white. Duh.

PR: I dislike Joe Horn for a lotta reasons but my hatred with the cell phone celebration was that none of the Giants that year hiked up their skirts and decked Horn where he stood. George Teague clearly did not play for them.

ED: Jaguars DT Marcus Stroud escapes serious harm after rolling his SUV while driving home for the holidays. Stroud may feel lucky to be alive, but no Jag is lucky enough to have SEXY HAIR like Jack del Rio. Mmm, coach/rock star.

PR: Aww… you want him to coach the Raiders.

BB: What I would do for a PROBABLE: Marcus Stroud (rolled SUV) injury report next week.

ED: Ravens coach Brian Billick is coming back to coach next year. Whipping boys! Yay!

PR: Does he realize that Feinstein already finished writing the book? Or does he have some other way to promote himself?

BB: I am so picking Brian Billick in next year’s dead pool. And you thought Latrell was a jerk.

ED: Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil announces he will retire after the season - which so happens to be after their Week 17 game. Oh, bitter-bitter tears.

PR: Do you think next year when Dick is watching the KC games on his NFL Season Pass, he will cry the first time Herman Edwards mismanages the clock?

ED: Vikings head coach Mike Tice is the first coach to officially get the axe after Week 17. And he won't be the last, that's for sure.

PR: Yay, nothing will trump that awkward firing. Based on the way things turned out, I am assuming Tice’s ticket agent knew he was fired before Coach did.

BB: But…Tice was Tice’s ticket age…whatever. I don’t care.

ED: Panthers WR Steve Smith is fined $15K for bumping an official in the Panthers-Cowboy game. That's a whole lot of punches in the jimmy he passed up.

BB: Oh, he’ll make up for it in film session.

ED: Oh, and the Saints may be returning back to New Orleans by September of '06. Jeez, haven't the people of New Orleans suffered enough?

BB: I hope Joe Horn doesn’t think his cell phone’s still in its hiding spot. Poor poor erosion.

ED: Cowboys WR Terry Glenn arrested for public intoxication after being caught urinating in public. Now, I am no football expert, mind you, but I KNOW Terry Glenn was just getting rid of urine to help out a friend. I know this. And if you don't believe this then you have an ANTI-COWBOY BIAS and YOU!!! YOU!!!! are responsible for keeping Golden Richards out of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Yep. That dead horse has officially been beaten beyond recognition now.

BB: Don’t make fun of Jerry Jones’ face like that, Ed. Not nice.

PR: Aww… just wait till the day before the Super Bowl. Poor poor Art Monk.

ED: The end of Week 16 saw: the END OF MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL FOREVER!!! Or at least in a semi-watchable version sans Joe Theisman as the Patriots handled the Jets, 31-21.

PR: It hasn’t been semi-watchable in years.

WEEK SEVENTEEN!!

ED: Seriously, was Phil Simms always that bad of an announcer or did he recently suffer some sort of horrendous head injury - or did it have something to do with spending so much time near Jake Plummer's short and curlies? Wow. I realize no one could have saved that Denver-San Diego turd but man, Simms actually made me wish Joe Buck was doing the game. Denver 23, Chargers 7.

BB: You must have missed the Phil Simms: STAT GUY! article which was maybe in the top ten most ridiculous news items of 2005. TURNOVERS ARE IMPORTANT PEOPLE! I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

ED: Yeah-yeah-yeah. At least I'll never have to see Norv and Kerry again. Giants 30, Raiders 21.

PR: While I was very pleased that the usual Sunday night crew wasn’t calling the game, if I heard Sterling Sharpe say one more time “The Raiders ARE DONE!!!! The Raiders ARE BACK IN THE GAME!!!” I was going to start fining myself 5K. God Bless Tiki Barber.

ED: Kansas City smokes Cincinnati, 37-3. Oh, to have stock in the Kleenex company when Dick Vermeil cried a river after the game. Though, I'm certain there were plenty of Who Dey? towels flying off of the bandwagon for him to use.

PR: Isn’t Who Dey one of the 9/11 hijackers?

ED: Tony Dungy's son returns to life!!! What? That didn't happen? So none of that really has anything to do with football? I'll be durned. You mean, sportswriters have completely overblown that story? How could that be? Colts 17, Cards 13.

PR: ARIZONA HAD TWO RECEIVERS WITH 100 CATCHES!!! DENNIS GREEN IS A GENIUS!!!! SUPER BOWL BOUND… EVENTUALLY!!!!

ED: Ugh. To think that from the same cesspool, both the Raven and Browns franchises emerged. Christ, that's even worse than wherever the hell all those Bush's or Kennedy's came from. Browns 20, Ravens 16.

BB: There is certainly some lagoon-related horror movie that can be written about that. Do they have lagoons in Ohio? Actually, do they have water in Ohio? Are you afraid of water too Ed?

ED: Carolina destroys Atlanta, 44-11. And I'm certain Dallas fans greatly appreciated the Falcons sleep-walking through that game.

PR: Aww… Michael Vick isn’t the MVP?

BB: For people with genital warts maybe.

ED: Pittsburgh handles Detroit, 35-21, and clinches a playoff spot in the process. Well, that just made it even easier to hate the entire AFC playoff picture.

PR: I am not sure which is more surprising. That despite how crappy the Lions are, they will be picking #9 in the draft or that Arizona is picking BEHIND them. Clearly, there are a couple of wideouts who won’t be falling out of the Top 10.

ED: The Jets upset Buffalo, 30-26. That's OK. Reggie Bush would never have liked New York anyway.

ED: Miami knocks off New England, 28-26. Tom Brady would have made that game-tying two-point conversion. Of course, it would have involved some instance where the NFL officials went blind and/or insane, but he would have made that conversion. And Peter King would have rubbed himself into hamburger...maybe while singing "Drop kick me, Flutie, through the goal posts of life."

PR: MVP! MVP! MVP!

BB: Let’s just say you’d have to have a mighty big foot to drop kick Peter King through anything.

ED: Tampa Bay slaps around the Saints, 27-13. Well, citizens of New Orleans, look on the bright side: it will be at least 6-7 months until we make any more inappropriate jokes about your city. Of course, you'll still have the Saints and your city will still be wrecked and I suppose no one from New Orleans read us anyway. But hey - umm. Well, at least you're not banking your long-term future and your immediate playoff run on Chris Simms.

PR: Or Jim Haslett anymore. That has to be a temporary mark in the plus column.

ED: OHMYGOD! IT MIGHT BE BRETT FAVRE'S LAST GAME!!! WHAT CAN A STRAIGHT, FOOTBALL-LOVING MAN MASTURBATE TO NOW THAT THE MOST OVERRATED PERSON AND/OR TEAM IS GONE?!?!?!?!?! Oh. Right. There's always the Broncos. Ahh!!!!! Packers 23, Seahawks 17.

PR: Oh yeah – most overrated person and/or team is a whole separate piece of content.

BB: Hasn’t that been like the last two and a half years of our life?

ED: REGGIE BUSH BOWL!!! And the lucky team who will first be told by Reggie Bush's agent to pound sand...the Houston Texans, thanks to them losing to the 49ers, 20-17 in OT. Do the Giants have any draft picks to try and swing a deal for him?

PR: I hate you.

BB: Aww…wait until you trade your entire draft for Lineart old man.

ED: Tennessee-Jacksonville. Right. Otherwise known as the game that won't make you miss the NFL once it's gone. Jags won, 40-13.

BB: This is one of the games the NFL Films team recaps for the Titans and Jaguars will pretend never happened.

ED: The Vikes pummel the Bears B-team, 34-10. Look on the bright side, Vikings fans, at least there won't be many wild boat rides on the Minnesota lakes this time of year.

BB: Awww…now the Wild will show up to practice one day and there’ll be used condoms on the ice and they’ll be upset and blame Sergei Zholtok but he’s dead so then they will just get the Zamboni guy to clean it up and pretend it never happened. Wait. What?

ED: And Washington knocks Dallas out of the playoffs by taking Philly, 31-20. Shucks!

PR: Of course, upon making the playoffs, Skins fans started talking about how they matched up with the Colts. Oh yeah – this town really pleases me sometimes.

ED: Dallas, Rams, ESPN announcing crew. Nope, won't miss any of that at all. And was I seeing things or did it look like Bill Parcells was wearing make-up? Did anyone even bother watching of this suckfest? Yeah, didn't think so. Rams 20, Cowboys 10.

PR: I was too busy giggling at Mike Martz berating his assistant coaches for not showing him any loyalty. A GENIUS NEVER FORGETS AND ALWAYS HOLDS GRUDGES!!!!

NCAA

ED: Florida State LB A.J. Nicholson is suspended by the team after being accused of sexual assault. Wow! Suspended by Florida State! For rules violations. Think about that.

PR: Maybe the Semionles should have suspended their kicker. TEASE!

ED: Texas Tech basketball player Drew Coffman quits the team. Wow! Imagine that! A player quits a Bobby Knight team. Who could have seen that coming?

NBA

ED: Lakers G Kobe Bryant is suspended two games for decking some anonymous white guy. Meh. Unless Kobe is being accused of sodomizing some anonymous white girl, no one in America cares.

PR: Aww… it was Mike Miller who has like the most generic name ever.

ED: Sonics F Danny Fortson is suspended two games for berating a referee and not leaving the court immediately after being ejected. I have no idea who Danny Fortson is. Didja just want me to ignore the NBA yet again?

PR: You just didn’t want to acknowledge that he played for Cincinnati so the papers there must have had 24/7 coverage of him in college. You deny you live in Ohio.

PR: Damon Stoudamire blew out his knee and is done for the year. You know what would help ease the pain? Medical Marijuana.

BB: The sweet healing hands of Ruben Patterson?

NHL

ED: Anaheim Mighty Ducks D Sandis Ozolinish enters rehab. Yet, he's a member of Latvia's Olympic hockey team. Or maybe it's because he's a member of Latvia's Olympic hockey team that he went into rehab. Whichever.

PR: Rosters were also announced for the Olympics. Sidney Crosby does not make the Canadian team. The NHL Owners immediately debate locking the players out again.

PR: I saw a headline that said “Phoenix recalls Rheaume from San Antonio” and I was like “Holy S***! Manon Rheaume is going to play in a real game??? She is like older than Ed!!!” Then I realized it was some guy named Pascal Rheaume and not the chick goaltender.

BB: Awww…another Phil crush goes down in flames.

MLB

ED: It's all about Jeff Reardon - Proven Veteran Holdup Man and the mug shot that made even Nick Nolte wince.

PR: I think that so needs to be the centerpiece of a redesigned VP home page. Of course, I have no talent whatsoever.

BB: AB Murray? Um…AB Murray?

ED: CHRISTMAS SHOPPING INSANITY!!! The Indians sign P Jason Johnson. The Rangers sign P Kevin Milwood. The Pirates re-sign OF Jody Gerut. The Mets sign P Chad Bradford. The Orioles sign OF? Jeromy Burnitz. The Yankees sign 2B Miguel Cairo. The Pirates sign 3B Joe Randa. The Diamondbacks sign SCRAP! Eric Byrnes. The Nats sign P? Ramon Ortiz and re-sign DL Tony Armas Jr. The Marlins sign P Joe Borowski, GLOVE/DL!!! Pokey Reese, TWO TRUE OUTCOMES!!! Wes Helms and HACKING MASS ALL STAR!!! Miguel Olivo.

PR: Aww… not so fast on the Burnitz signing. TEASE!

BB: I’m gonna have to go with Jason Johnson having the most generic name ever. And Pokey Reese has two true outcomes too, he catches the ball and he strikes out a lot.

ED: TRADES!!! The Blue Jays pick up 3B/1B Troy Glaus and SS Sergio Santos for P Miguel Batista and GLOVE! Orlando Hudson

ED: David Ortiz, Miguel Tejada, Pedro Martinez, Octavio Dotel and Julio Lugo are being sued for $35 million dollars for lending their names and likenesses to a phone card scam. Yeah, you know Omar Minaya's going to be in that court room wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile.

PR: Did Tejada somehow blame this all on the Orioles lack of offseason movement?

ED: And Miguel Tejada? Yeah, he's still suffering from morning-after regret about two years too late upon finally realizing that he singed with the hapless Baltimore Orioles.

PR: Aww… I just stepped all over Ed’s joke.

ED: And speaking of those bitter and sorta-O's related, former Oriole Rafael Palmeiro is still uncertain how he tested positive for steroids. Yeah, sell the gimmick, Raffy. Keep on selling the gimmick.

PR: Soon he will be searching for the real killers.

SOCCER

PR: God Lord… I am so not playing catch-up with all the stuff we missed the last couple of weeks. Umm… somehow Sven is responsible for everything.

PR: Michael Owen. Cripple. Poor poor England.

PR: OH! Claudio Reyna broke his ankle and is out for six weeks. Shocking I know. I am going to love the stories come World Cup time when his absence will be the reason the US doesn’t advance out of the group stage. Stupid sports.

BB: Oh I cannot wait for the World Cup preview. Only thing that’s going to keep this site afloat for the rest of our lives. Poor poor Ed.

OTHER

ED: Ehh, I couldn't decide between the NFL or NCAA so I just threw it down here - Former Broncos THIRD ROUND PICK!!! and OHIO STATE STAR RB!!! Maurice "Li' Earl Campbell" Clarett is wanted by Columbus, OH police for allegedly commiting aggravated robbery. It's a shame when good kids get messed up with the wrong element. Like going to Ohio State and all that. Damn shame.

PR: Well maybe if Clarett had closed out some games with the tying run on third… or at least grown a beard.