The Week That Was
1/2/06 - 1/8/06  
ED:  Sweet-sweet comical NFL!

BB: Jerk.

PR: Has Spring Training started yet? Have we finished the preview yet?

NFL
ED: Former Cardinal LB Simon Shanks is shot to death outside his home. So now we have to think of anonymous Cardinals for the death pool?  Well, with Dennis Green coaching them, I suppose that's proper.

BB: Rippa will pick Rob Moore and then Al Toon will finally pass from his concussions and Rippa will weep for many reasons, not the least of which is that the Al Toon FPOTM will not be done.

PR: Mike Liut. Jeff Innis.

ED: Mmmm, head coach firings. The Saints rid themselves of Jim Haslett. The Texans axe Dom Capers. The Packers say bye-bye to Mike Sherman. The Rams slide away awkwardly from Mike Martz. The Raiders make me happy for once and kill off the Norv Turner era.

BB: The Rams slid away awkwardly from Joe Nutt or whatever the name of the replacement head coach was. The Rams are single and will probably hook up with you as long as you’re not really girly and weep after sex or you have one great move in bed and you do it over and over and over again for three years.

PR: They apparently don’t take to well to you making too many cell phone calls either. Or being a GENIUS! And, in accordance to NFL policy, you have to be white too.

ED: The Vikings hire former Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress as their new head coach. Oh, better yet, the Eagles replace Childress with...HEHEHEHE...MARTY MORNHINWEG!!!

BB: The only thing that would’ve topped that was Matt Millen hiring Marty Mornhinweg back to coach the Lions. And draft a WR. Stupid Rippa.

PR: You know – we might as well just write the 06 Football Preview now. The Lions draft a WR. Dennis Green likes hot practices. Ed hates whoever is coaching the Raiders. Tom Brady. Brett Favre. Blah. Blah. Blah.

ED: The Jets trade away the rights to head coach Herm Edwards to the Chiefs for a fourth round pick.  Oh yeah, the Chiefs too are doing everything in their power to being the AFC West pack down to the Raiders level.

BB: Well, at least that’s too late of a draft pick for the Jets to draft a punter with.

PR: You often hear about teams drafting the best available player as they get further into the draft. The Jets need to make sure the draft the person closest to having a durability rating of 100.

ED: FRONT OFFICE MOVEMENT!!! The Eagles name Tom Heckert as their new GM. Browns President and CEO John Collins resigns. The Bills fired GM Tom Donahue and hire Marv Levy as their new VP of Operations.

BB: I can’t wait for the bitter Tom Donahue-returns-to-ESPN.com Insider story.

ED: Most questionable of all Hall of Famers, Lynn Swann announces his candidacy for governor of Pennsylvania.  Well, on the bright side, running for PA governor, Swann will basically have the same percentage of drunk voters going for him as he had when being up for the Hall of Fame vote.

PR: Aww… and I am thinking about moving to that state.

BB: I was going to say “Will Terry Bradshaw carry him to this title too?”, but then I realized Terry Bradshaw couldn’t carry anyone to anything. If you saw the Matthew McConaughey-Terry Bradshaw segment on TV this weekend like I did, check the board for our class-action lawsuit on those brain cells.

ED: The Cowboys sign head coach Bill Parcells through 2007; or until his 17th heart attack. Whichever comes first.

ED: Vikings nautical engineers Daunte Culpepper, Bryant McKinnie, Moe Williams and Fred Smoot plead not guilty to charges stemming from the Minnesota Love Boat incident.

PR: I get the feeling that photo won’t be featured prominently in the Vikings media guide next year.

ED: AWARDS!!! Bucs RB Cadillac Williams named Rookie Offensive Player of the Year. Chargers LB Shawne Merriman named Rookie Defensive Player of the Year. Panthers WR Steve Smith and Patriots SAVIOR! Tedy Bruschi named Comeback Players of the Year. Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander is named NFL MVP and the Associated Press' Offensive Player of the Year. Bears LB Brian Urlacher is named the Associated Press' Defensive Player of the Year.  Bears coach Lovie Smith named the Associated Press' Coach of the Year.

BB: You will note who was NOT Offensive Player of the Year; Alex Smith or Aaron Rodgers. EAT IT MEL KIPER! Early line on 2006 Comeback Player of the Year: Mark Chmura. Trust me on this one.

ED: Falcons head coach Jim Mora Jr. is fined $25K for using a cell phone on the sidelines of a Falcons-Bucs game.  Joe Horn can now sleep better at night...once his bed dries out and stuff.

BB: Oh, Katrina jokes get me right there.

PLAYOFFS!!!
ED:  Chris Simms proves yet again that he is the least-desirable of all the sons of 80's QB's as the Bucs out-stinky-poo-poo the Redskins, 17-10.

BB: Jesus Christ, Ed thought the ESPN SNF announce team wrapped up last week but, unfortunately, Ed was horribly, horribly wrong. GOD THEY WERE TERRIBLE. I was doing a writeup of it and then I ripped up my notepad because I was beginning to yell at the TV.

PR: THE REFS ARE THE WORST IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL!!! TRULY TERRIBLE!!! Oh, he spit. Oh. Hey, did I tell you that I picked the Redskins for the Super Bowl this year? And I will be on MNF next year too. I am never wrong. Nope.

ED:  Pats 28, Jags 3.  Nope.  No way was I going to watch that.  I'm guessing Brady, Belichick and Bruschi were fellated a bit, right?  Just a guess.

BB: Awww…you might as well call Peter King the beekeeper. ZING!

ED:  Just going to get out of the way here...Panthers 23, Giants 0.

PR: Oh so not even close to being ready. Maybe around the NFL preview.

ED:  Hehehehe.  Oh man, I had forgotten Jon Kitna was the Bengals back-up QB - AND Craig Krenzel was the Bengals 3rd stringer.  Oh yeah, Carson Palmer should really ask to renegotiate his contract, whenever he can walk again.  Steelers 31, Bengals 17.

BB: WHO DEY GONNA OPERATE ON CARSON PALMER’S BUSTED KNEE?!????

PR: Clearly not the league officials because THE FIX WAS IN!!!! At least according to the Cincy receivers. Because, ya know, they blew out Carson’s leg.

NCAA
ED: Legendary USC baseball coach Rod Dedeaux dead at 91.

ED: And USC's beginning of the week was no better as their 34 game unbeaten streak was ended by YOUR NEW NATIONAL CHAMPIONS, Texas.

BB: And Vince Young lasted about two more days before he hightailed it to the NFL. Oh, Andre Ware.

PR: Aww… how cute, Ed is trying to get all fired up in hopes that Vince Young is taken by the Raiders instead of…. Oh… the guy from Ohio State.

ED: Li'l Mexico - New Mexico? - Marcus Vick is kicked off the Virginia Tech football team for all his past legal transgressions and for stomping on a Luisville player in the Gator Bowl.  Oh yeah, you know Jerry Jones is going to OUTSMART YOU!!! and draft Quincy Carter Mexicocito in the first round.  

BB: Well, we don’t have any knowledge that Marcus Vick is on coke, yet. Is that a spermicide?

PR: Just wait for next week’s update. GUNS! KIDS! MCDONALDS! MOMMA!

ED: Everyone and their brother announces themselves eligible for the NFL draft after then end of the bowl games. Mmm, higher education.  It's a good thing the NCAA is all about getting those kids some learnin'.

BB: I wish I hadn’t announced I was retiring from international football after I didn’t get picked for the US squad in 2002.

PR: I don’t think you can play for Trindad & Tobago… despite them taking virtually everyone.

PR: Lots of ranked teams lost in basketball as conference play started: Texas beat Memphis (No Honky Tonk), Marquette beat UConn (No Sportscenter), Villanova beat Louisville (No Larry Bird),  Illinois beat Michigan St. (No Magic), UCLA beat Arizona (No John McCain), Iowa beat Illinois (No Native Americans), Washington State beat Washington (No Blind Melon), Miami beat Maryland (No riots), UNC beat NC State (No Never Give Up), Nebraska beat Oklahoma (No High School Diplomas), Indiana beat Ohio State (No parole), Kansas beat Kentucky (No evolution), Duke beat Wake Forest (No Tim Duncan), West Virginia beat Villanova (No gays in the seminary), Georgia Tech beat Boston College (No Doug Flutie), Wisconsin beat Michigan State (No more ranking)

NBA
ED: Look. I'm short on time and even shorter on patience. You know I don't care. Why don't we all just move along and pretend nothing happened here?

PR: I wholly endorse this policy for the entire season.

ED:  Oh, wait.  Seattle fires Bob Weiss and replaces him with Bob Hill.  I mention this only because even I - one who pays no attention to the NBA, whatsoever - am stunned that that Bob Weiss was coaching anywhere at all.  Wow.  Jeez, what's next?  The return of Mookie Blaylock?

BB: Well, that would make Eddie Vedder happy. That’s it, I quit!

BB: Um…Ron Artest still hasn’t been traded. Larry Brown is nuts and basically he is going to go with a one-man rotation of Channing Frye. Story of the week I read was Nate Robinson fighting Malik Rose in the shower over not paying a $2 football debt.

PR: You act like Isiah won’t flip out and trade Channing Frye for like the rotting corpse of Drazen Petrovic. Of course, I don’t think the Knicks could appeal to the league for a cap room exception for Drazen.

NHL
ED: No idea. Next.

BB: Um…

PR: The New York Rangers obtained forward Petr Sykora and a 2007 fourth-round draft choice from the Anaheim Mighty Ducks for defenseman Maxim Kondratiev on Sunday. Clearly, management’s new plan is to have nothing but Czech’s. Maybe the Metrostars should adopt this policy.

PR: Former Canadian Ken Mosdell dead at the age of 83. Mosdell won three Stanley Cups while with Montreal. Yeah, remember when the Canadians were good? Ahhh… memories.

PR: The New Jersey Devils decided that resigning Alexander Mogilny to a $7 million, two year deal this past offseason wasn’t such a hot idea. He was waived on Wednesday. Somehow, the Rangers haven’t claimed him yet.

MLB
ED: Ways to get the new year off to a horrible start include - the Blue Jays signing C Jason Phillips. The Cubs signing OF Marquis Grissom. The Astros signing OF Preston Wilson. The Rangers signing P Brian Anderson. The Diamondbacks signing P Terry Mulholland. OF Jeromy Burnitz SWERVING! the Orioles and signing with the Pirates. The Mets signing ANDROMIDGET!!! Bret Boone. The O's officially signing VETERAN PESENCE!!! Jeff Conine. The Marlins signing P Kerry Ligtenberg. The Padres signing P Shawn Estes. The Tigers signing SS Ramon Santiago. The Phillies signing JUICER!!! Ryan Franklin. The Twins signing OFFENDER!!! Gabe White. The Pirates sign P Brandon Duckworth. The A's sign P Randy Keisler and C Raul Casanova. The Red Sox sign 1B JT Snow. The Yankees re-sign Al Leiter.  The Diamondbacks FINALLY signing their first round draft pick, Justin Upton.

BB: Gabe White is really going to sue us one day and I’m going to blame Phil or Ed since I still have something to live for. Terry Mulholland would’ve scored a 99 for the Diamondbacks three years ago but now, he makes far too little to score above a 70. Of course, the Orioles signing Jeff Conine is the definition of a 100.

PR: I just want to never have to write a Gabe White FPOTM so I just need to keep his name out there. I really should have drafted this plan a lot sooner.

ED: TRADES!!! The Dodgers send P's Duaner Sanchez and Steve Schmoll to the Mets for P's Jae Seo and Tim Hamulak.  The Blue Jays trade 3B Corey Koskie to the Brewers for P Brian Wolfe.

BB: You know – since Jae Seo wasn’t cheap already and the best pitcher in the IL last year. But his wife isn’t a stripper. So we can’t give him a $20 million deal.

PR: Nor is he Latino.

ED: Jose Lima lies to a Domincan Republic newspaper that the Padres have signed him. The best part of the whole thing is the way the Padres denied it in the same way that a frat boy denies sleeping with a fat chick. Which is apt.

BB: Next he is going to leak that he’s been kidnapped by his mom.

PR: Or smothered to death by his wife’s chest.

ED: Orioles SS Miguel Tejada wihdraws his trade demand and is now dedicated to making the Orioles a contender.  Oh, that's going to take a whole lot of those magic "B-12" shots there, Miguel

BB: Mmmm…”B-12”.

SOCCER
BB: Oh geez. Michael Owen broke his foot.

BB: Portsmouth now have a sneaky Russian investor of their own.

PR: Yeah, you try and convince me that said investor hasn’t played lots and lots and lots of CM.

BB: Fulham sign Simon Elliott from Columbus. Columbus apparently also secretly bought Carlos Bocanegra before Fulham did.

PR: All this is an elaborate ruse by Chris Coleman to just make sure he gets a MLS coaching gig.

BB: FA CUP RESULTS!!! Aww – you think I am Ed. Manchester United draw with Burton Albion for a replay. Nuneaton Borough earn replay versus Middlesborough. Liverpool and Luton play the early MOTY candidate, 5-3 to Liverpool.

PR: Bill still doesn’t want to admit that Leicester won. Millwall managed to not lose in the Tim Cahill return. Sadly, riots did not occur.

BB: Fulham sign Antti Niemi for £1 million.

PR: That so doesn’t sound Ohioian.

OTHER
ED: NASCAR driver Todd Bodine wins a NASCAR driver bobsled challenge race.  Right.  No idea about this either but the smart money's on...this race involving only left turns.  Yeah.  Obvious joke.

PR: Stuart Appleby won the Mercedes Championships for the third straight year. No real joke because every time I tried to think of one, I would think about the horrific way Appleby’s wife died and then I would feel like a prick. Stupid David Duval not being in the news this week.

PR: Because I will never remember this next week – US skier Bode Miller said he has been drunk when skiing. That cued up the “we are SHOCKED and OUTRAGED” response. Yeah, whatever.