The Week That Was 1/9/06 – 1/15/06  

ED: Ooo, Jake Plummer’s facial hair or Tom Brady’s chin dimple? How can one decide?

PR: Aww... it’s a three day weekend. I don’t have to think about things like that.

BB: You mean you can have both?

NFL

ED: Former Steeler, Seahawk and Packer DB Dave Brown (No. Not the one Phil and Bill wishes) dead at 52. Former Rams WR Jack Snow dead at 62.

PR: Do you think that Jack was finally tired of having to acknowledge that JT was his son and just gave up the ghost?

BB: I can only assume that Dave Brown isn’t the Dave Brown’s father. Poor little whitest QB of all time. Stupid Giants.

ED: MORE HEAD COACHING MOVES!!! Bills head coach Mike Mularkey resigns. The Chiefs name Herman Edwards as their new head coach. The Packers name Mike McCarthy as their new head coach.

BB: Oh man! But who will play guitar for Pearl Jam now???? Surely Neil Young must not be cool anym-I KNOW! TEMPLE OF THE DOG! THEY’RE COMING BACK!!! I’M NOT GOING HUNGRY NO MORE!!!!!!

PR: Marv Levy hinting that he was going to pull an Alexander Haig so would have been the highlight of the week if it had occurred some other week.

ED: The AP All Pro team is named. Or as it should probably be named, the All SeaColts team.

PR: BEARS!!!! DEFENSE!!!! Oh....

BB: BAD TEAMMATES!!!

ED: The 15 finalists for Hall of Fame consideration are announced. ANTI-COWBOY BIAS ABOUNDS!!!

PR: I am only going to care if the following names are announced: Harry Carson, Art Monk, Warren Moon. Which means the class will be Aikman, Irving, Madden and White.

ED: The Vikings fire defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell and replace him with former Bucs DB coach Mike Tomlin. Obviously, this too is Randy Moss’ fault.

PR: Oh... I was thinking it was because Cottrell was black. NFL!!! EQUALITY!!!

BB: Does the Rooney Rule you mean you have to fire a black coach each time you interview one? Because that’s not a good rule then.

ED: The Chiefs sign BC Lions QB Casey Printers. And you know how well former-CFL QB’s fare with Herm Edwards.

PR: I think Ed would only be happy if Danny McManus was signed by the NFL.

BB: I would be happy if the Jets gave Tim McManus the starting job and he got irrationally attached to John Abraham after Abraham stabbed him three times.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former Cowboy Dwayne Goodrich gets 5 years for the hit and run deaths of two people. Obviously, this too is part of the RAMPANT ANTI-COWBOY BIAS!!! Jags WR Reggie Williams is busted for pot possession.

PR: Leonard Little guffaws.

BB: Is Reggie Williams a bust yet?

ED: A Phoenix resident is arrested for using Brett Favre’s credit card account over 40 times for $10K worth of purchases. Authorities able to tell the charges we fraudulent since lip balm for Chris Berman was not part of the purchases.

PR: GREATEST ATHLETE ACTOR EVER!!!! ESPN SAID SO!!! IT MUST BE TRUE!!! SEXIEST NFL PLAYER!!! FOX SAID SO!!! IT MUST BE TRUE!!!

ED: Dallas is sending Drew Henson to the NFL-E. ANTI-COWBOY BIAS!!! to now be a global phenomenon.

PR: Aww... I feel bad for all the Germans who think they are getting good seats and then will be running for their lives ducking errant Henson tosses.

BB: Maybe he will tutor Michael Ballack on how to screw up his career. Or maybe it’s the other way around. I have no clue.

ED: Colts CB Nick Harper is accidentally stabbed by his wife. Yeah. So I suppose that’s the reason he couldn’t run. Friggin’ Colts.

BB: Well he couldn’t run fast enough. Stupid Steelers.

PLAYOFFS!!!

ED: Yeah, I’m certain I will be cursed with far too many Steve Largent sightings over the next week just to make me want to shoot a US Senator. Thanks, Seattle. Seahawks 20, Skins 10.

PR: THE REDSKINS AREN’T FAVORED???? 9 ½ POINTS IS A FIASCO!!! WASHINGTON IS SUPER BOWL BOUND!!!! LET’S PUT MORE REDSKIN SONGS ON THE LOCAL RADIO!!! JOE GIBBS FOR JESUS!!!

BB: I always think of Seattle as this little Bohemian city (especially after Ball Four) so I am amazed that there are people with fu manchus and their faces painted in Seahawk colors when I watch Seahawk games on TV until I remember – TEMPLE OF THE DOG!!!! YOU WEREN’T EXPECTING THAT ONE!!! CAUSE I’M…

ED: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Where’s your EAGLE-EYED OFFICIALS NOW, Pats fans? WHERE?! WHERE?!?!?! Hehehehe. God, the fact that Denver won makes me happy, really fills me with disgust. Broncos 27, Pats 13.

BB: TWO STEPS AHEAD OF YOU READERSHIP!!!! YOU’RE GOING HUNGRY!

PR: Aww... Tom Brady lost. Clearly this is all the Boston media’s fault.

ED: Jerome Hotdogfingers being bailed out by a drunken kicker proves that The Football Gods are bastards. BASTARDS!!! Stupid unwatchable AFC. Steelers 21, Colts 18.

PR: Nope, not Peyton’s fault at all. You can blame the kicker, the OL, Dungy, Dungy’s kid but nope not Peyton’s fault at all.

BB: Wait – I thought Jerome Hotdogfingers was a Clinton Portis gimmick…

ED: Aww, buck up, li’l Bears fans. If’n you are White Sox fans too, you already saw one of your teams play over their heads to a championship. You couldn’t have expected another, right? Mmmm, sexy Panthers. Panthers 29,Bears 21.

BB: My roommate hates football and was absolutely positively into the fourth quarter of the Steelers-Colts game (including the great false start versus offside battle that ended up with the refs calling the thing off and him again giving up on football). Yeah, let’s say he didn’t last long on the Bears-Panthers game. Did I say nice things about Charles Tillman? Um…I meant Rusty Tillman. XFL! Ed won a title once!

PR: For a team with supposedly a defense not seen by man before, you would think they would have planned on covering Steve Smith. I mean its not like he was a secret.

NCAA

ED: Will the last underclassman football player out, please turn out the lights?

PR: Is this so the girl they are raping won’t be able to identify them?

BB: Apparently they are two steps ahead too. I’m not going to top that.

ED: Your Marcus Vick moment of stupidity for the week – Mexicocito is busted for waving a gun at a bunch of people outside of a Virginia McDonalds.

PR: Super Size Me would have been a lot more interesting if things like this had happened.

BB: EL CLON DE MEXICO!

ED: Maryland basketball player Travis Garrison is charged with assault and groping charges after feeling up a woman in a bar and then slapping her.

PR: Garrison suspended for one game. JUSTICE!

BB: I’m sure she feels vindicated. I will note when I was playing basketball against the 45 year old VP of my company and she copped a feel she was not suspended. Poor freaky Amazon woman.

NBA 

ED: Knick’s coach Larry Brown wins his 1000th career NBA game. Yeah, with the Knicks, Larry Brown is going to be nearing 2000 sometime soon.

PR: It’s the Knicks. Isiah is so coaching them soon.

BB: I just realized - it’s amazing that Isiah and Joe Dumars were in the same backcourt for so many years and Dumars is probably the best GM in the NBA while Isiah is absolutely useless. That’s so weird.

ED: Orlando G Steve Francis is suspended indefinitely by the team for supposedly refused to re-enter a game late in a blow-out. Meh. If he claimed he had “migraines” he would be on the All-NBA team.

BB: Or the All-WNBA team.

ED: Orlando G Keyon Dooling is suspended 5 games and Seattle G Ray Allen 3 games for fighting. So much for Jesus turning the other cheek.

BB: JESUS SAVES!

NHL

ED: Former Red Wing Marc Potvin dead at 38.

PR: When the hell did this happen?!?!?!?!?! Yup this is depressing. Stupid death lurking at every turn.

BB: Yeah – this snuck up on me too. Of course I thought it was Felix Potvin and then I was really sad.

ED: COACHING MOVES!!! The Islanders fire coach Steve Stirling and replace him with Brad Shaw. In the wake of that, Islanders GM Mike Milbury announces he will resign. Montreal fires head coach Claude Julien and replaces him with GM Bob Gainey.

BB: Mike Milbury has been the GM of the Islanders since I was freaking nine. And I remember him being the coach of the Bruins before that. Now I feel old.

ED: The Rangers retire the number of Mark Messier. I will now step aside and let Phil wax poetic about 1994.

PR: MATTEAU! MATTEAU! MATTEAU!

BB: God I hate the Rangers.

MLB

ED: Former A’s pitcher Paul Linblad dead at 64.

ED: Bruce Sutter is elected to the Hall of Fame. Goose Gossage turns 40 different shades of bitter. Most people are confused as to how a man who just held up a jewelry store can be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Al from “Home Improvement”, Bill James, Dan Fouts and Bob Seger will be brought in to clear up the confusion.

PR: I love Goose but he really needs to shut up because him defending himself is just embarassing. Oh and Ed, Bob Seger’s check will be in the mail for bringing up his name for the first time in forever. Yes, Ed and I will have to explain who Bob Seger is to Bill.

BB: Bob Seger is just a late night greatest hits compilation to me old men.

ED: Fools and their money! The Reds re-sign UTL Rich Aurilia. The Rockies sign UTL Eli Marrero. The Astros sign P Trever Miller. The Indians sign OF Todd Hollandsworth. The Mariners sign TOAST Kevin Appier and TOAST Fernando Vina. The Twins sign P Darrell May. The Nats sign OF Michael Tucker. The Tigers sign DL Matt Mantei. The Devil Rays sign IF Ty Wiggington, P’s Shinji Mori, Dan Micelli, Jack Cressend, Travis Driskill and Wayne Franklin. The Mets sign C Ramon Castro. The Blue Jays sign P Ben Weber. The Red Sox re-sign 2B Tony Graffanino and sign P Julian Tavarez. The Indians sign UTL Eduardo Perez. The O’s sign COWBOY!!! Kevin Millar. The Padres sign P Alan Embree. The Reds sign P Grant Balfour and UTL Frank Menechino. The Braves sign P Jeff Bennett.

PR: No, No. You can’t mention the Millar signing without mentioning that the Os plan on splitting his time in the OF. 19 OUTFIELDERS!!! Oh and Kevin Appier not being the oldest person in the Mariners rotation by a lot is really funny too. Wait, did I make that joke already?

BB: I personally enjoyed the Reds signing Aurilia on the last day before he would have been ineligible to sign with them before May 1^st. Clearly Aurilia realized if he didn’t sign the Reds deal, he was getting a NRI. It’s not fun being jilted by one team, let alone thirty. And yes – the Red Sox managed to ruin my day by signing Tavarez only hours after the Millar signing. Stupid crazy person.

ED: TRADES!!! The Cubs send OF Corey Patterson to the Orioles for 2B Nate Spears and P Carlos “No. Not that one” Perez. The D-Rays send PVC! Dennys Baez and ALL STAR! Lance Carter to the Dodgers for P’s Edwin Jackson and Chuck Tiffany and the ol’ PTBNL.

PR: Aww... I remember when Edwin Jackson was a prospect. Of course, I still remember when Michael Jackson was black. Ahhh... the early 80s.

BB: I can’t decide whether Chuck Tiffany is an obviously white name or an obviously black name. It is a fantastic name regardless. I was going to Google image search him to find out but I realized – I don’t really want to know yet. I want to keep all the possibilities in my head. I am planning my blind date with Chuck Tiffany and it is going to be fantastic.

ED: Assorted other moves: The Brewers DFA 3 True Outcome Russell Branyan. The Dodgers fail to reach an agreement with P Jeff Weaver, thereby losing their rights to sign him until May 1st – ditto with Tampa Bay and SS Alex Gonzalez and UTL Eduardo Perez; and San Diego with P Pedro Astacio. The Orioles DFA 1B Walter Young.

PR: WHY DO YOU NEED WALTER YOUNG WHEN YOU HAVE KEVIN MILLAR!!! RINGS!!! COWBOYS!!! IDIOT!!!

ED: COACHING MOVES!!! Gary Carter is named Manager of the St. Lucie Mets. Eddie Murray is named Dodgers hitting coach.

PR: Don’t forget Davey Lopes being hired by the Nationals. And the reason Jim Bowden gave? I swear to God. SPEED!!!

BB: I hope the St. Lucie Mets love Jesus. And the sound of creaky knees.

ED: Braves P John Smoltz pulls out of the World Baseball Classic due to a sore shoulder. It’s true. The terrorists have won.

PR: I think the terrorists won the moment they announced the World Baseball Classic. Oh wait.. I’m sorry. Is that not what MLB was going for?

ED: Hey! Any single gals on the market! Milton Bradley filed for divorce.

ED: Reds SCRAP!!! Ryan Freel busted for Drunk & Disorderly. Mmm, DRUNKEN SCRAP!!!

PR: Come on Ed. You of all people should be sympathetic to a guy who drinks because he is in Ohio.

BB: With two drunken citations on his record, he now gets access to the VIP section of Leonard Little’s club.

ED: That silly Anaheim-Angels naming lawsuit begins. Odds are no one wins.

SOCCER

PR: In by far my favorite story of the week – England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson gets tricked by a reporter claiming to be a Sheikh starting a soccer academy, babbles on about wanting the Aston Villa job and getting David Beckham to play for them. Yup – this stuff never happens in CM.

BB: Arsenal’s my favorite story of the week. The Sun magazine posted a list of all of Arsenal’s U-21 buys under Arsene Wenger and rated them a hit or miss. One of the misses was Niccolo Galli, who never played a game for Arsenal’s senior team. Why? Cause, while starring for the Arsenal U-17 and U-19 teams, he died in a car crash in Italy at 17 in 2001. Oops!

PR: Oh this just in. Arsenal has scored again. Poor poor Boro.

OTHER

ED: Anne Donovan is named the head coach of the US Women’s basketball team. Yes, I work for Slotman.

PR: Still the tallest woman I have ever met in person. Anne Donovan. Not Slotman.

BB: Slotman…most overdressed person I have ever met.

ED: There’s some sort of ice skating brouhaha. But we only cover sports, so I won’t mess with that.

PR: The Australian Open started. Well technically it started Monday but we aren’t going to talk about it again so there ya go.

PR: David Duval gets front page press by shooting a 63. Of course, this was the same course they were letting girls play on. Yup – good thing that Majors exemption doesn’t expire to next year.

BB: Just let Phil enjoy himself.