The Week That Was
1/16/06 - 1/22/06
ED:  Mmm, bad facial hair.  SEXY!!!

BB: Clearly you haven’t seen my World Series video in a long time. NO SEX!!!

PR: You never told me how long it took you to grow that beard. 12 months? 18?

NFL
ED: Former Rams WR Ron Jessie dead at 57.

PR: This I see everywhere but James Andrews has a heart attack and I don’t see it for three weeks. I suck.

ED: HEAD COACHING MOVES!!! The Jets hire Pats D-coordinator Eric Mangini as their new head coach. The Saints hire Cowboys O-Coordinator Sean Payton as their new head coach. (HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!  Thank you, Saints!) The Lions name STRAIGHT!!! Rod Marinelli as their new head coach. The Rams hire Scott Linehan as their new head coach.

BB: Just to be clear – Sean Payton IS the guy who couldn’t put together a dynamic enough offense for THE GIANTS. He followed DAN REEVES. The Saints could’ve hired me for a million less AND I would’ve galvanized their fanbase against me with Katrina jokes.

PR: Sean Payton is so the guy who would complain about his Jacks not beating Aces on Party Poker after Jim Fassell went all-in.

ED: Assistant coaching moves! The Vikings hire ERIC BIENIEMY as their RB's coach and Karl Dunbar as their D-Line coach. BITTER Jim Bates resigns as Packers D-Coordinator after not getting the Packs head coaching gig and is replaced by Bob Sanders (who Yahoo thinks is the Colts player, apparently). The Pats promote Dean Pees (HEHEHEHE. Dean. Pees.) as their new D-Coordinator. The Giants fire D-secondary coach Ron Milus and replace him with Peter Giunta. The Niners hire Norv Turner as their new O-coordinator. (HAH!) The Chargers fire O-Line coach Carl Mauck and assistant secondary coach Albert Lewis. The Redskins hire Al Saunders as their new O-Coordinator.  The Pats promote QB coach Josh McDaniel to O-Coordinator.

PR: When Ron Milus leaves, can he actually take the Giants secondary with him? Well, maybe leave Gibril Wilson. Oh and the Jets keeping a guy on their staff who is openly hostile to staying is so grand it isn’t funny. J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS!

BB: So, who manages the Vikings running backs on first and second down?

ED: Panthers RB DeShaun Foster is out for the NFC title game with a broken fibula.  BAH!!!  He does not have hotdog fingers and does not randomly fumble in important playoff games!  DeShaun Foster is not 700 pounds overweight!  He does not have Peter King hanging off of his junk!  DeShaun Foster sucks!  SUCKS!!!  God, I cannot wait until Bettis has his heart attacks.

BB: So many Bettis cracks to respond to. Here’s my first – do you think his parents will show up to all his International Federation of Competitive Eating events? Do you think Sonya Thomas’ parents show up to all her events?

PR: If Thomas’ parents don’t attend, how the heck is she getting to the events? Is she hitching a ride with Kobayashi? And if they were going together, would that mean they were dating. And if they were dating, how quickly would he eat her… aww…. I was about to go there.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Seahawks OT Sean Locklear is arrested for assault after allegedly committing domestic violence on his girlfriend. Assault charges against Chiefs RB Larry Johnson are dropped. Former Bear and Giant Dave Duerson pleads guilty to domestic battery charges.

BB: I guess the courts figured Johnson’s a Penn State RB, let him have his year in the sun before he tears all his knee ligaments.

DIVISION TITLE GAMES!!!
ED:  Tragic news for all of America: professional fat sack o' crap Jerome Hotdogfingers will FINALLY have his lard butt crammed into a Super Bowl, thereby deeply destroying the snack food industry's profit  margins for years to come.  Recession is imminent.  Depression is looming.  The world is upside down.  All because Jake Plummer FINALLY remembered he was the same sucky Jake Plummer he has always been.  Thanks a lot for ruining America, Jake.  Thanks.  Where do all those fast food workers go now, Jake?  Where?  Our only hope now is that there is not enough grease to squeeze Jerome's billboard-sized butt through the doors of Ford Field.  We can only hope.  For us.  For America.  Steelers 34, Broncos 17.

BB: I really hope Phil Simms keeps talking about that Steeler PRESSURE!!! each time they blitz four guys at his Super Bowl party. Can you imagine that party? That has to be hell. Greg Gumbel smugging everywhere. Jim Nantz needing eight replays to see that a plate of pigs in the blanket, not chicken wings, passed by him moments earlier. Chris Simms fetching drinks every three minutes. I bet Phil busts out the special Jeff Hostetler toilet paper for the big night.

PR: I will let you, dear reader, figure out if Bill was talking about me or Hostetler.

ED:  Hey!  What?  A Seattle team that didn't choke away in the playoffs?  Is the world going to end?  Or are they merely waiting to humiliate themselves in the championship game just to hork me off and force me on a shooting spree of Steeler fans?  Oh.  You know the latter is the only bet here.  Stupid football.  Seahawks 34, Panthers 14.

BB: One more game with Troy Aikman and then – eight months of freedom. I mean, I even get three months off from Joe Buck. God, I should just give away my television and never look back. Of course – then I would have to listen to ugly, ugly local radio.

PR: Aww… Christmas came early since ABC is broadcasting the Super Bowl. Of course, Ed and I discussing the agony that was Buck/Aikman lead me to talk about the one duo on Fox I liked which were two black announcers were I vaguely remembered one being JC Pearson. (Mind you, I called him JC Romero when talking with Ed. So yes – you too can have an adequate WHIP and call football too). So I went to Wikipedia and laughed and laughed at the list of guys Fox has used over the years. Then I remembered that Amy Van Dyken was a sideline reporter AND that she was married to Tom Rouen. So of course, I became all giddy about writing a Van Dyken FPOTM which would just basically be my excuse to talk about my 1992 F List and the dirty, dirty things that go through my mind regarding Summer Sanders. Bill and Ed burst my bubble by having no idea who Amy Van Dyken was, so I cursed and thought about how if I ran a site with Justin Slotman, he would understand…. Yeah, we are so going to have to do a behind the scenes WTW one of these times.

NCAA
ED: Umm…There is now no one between the ages of 20-22 who is not eligible for the NFL draft. There is now no one who has not seen one half of a college football game who is not a DRAFT EXPERT!!!

BB: Ooh – ooh – so I can declare for the draft AND call myself a reach when the Giants take me on Day One. Like I can’t Photoshop myself into some Northeastern footage.

PR: You better superimpose a Syracuse or Michigan logo onto said footage if you want to get drafted by the Giants.

ED:  DUKE!  LOST!  OMG!!!  Dick Vitale's going to need some sweet lovin' from other parts of North Carolina to get him through.

PR: So did all those other unbeaten teams too. The highlight around town was the Maryland fans immediately becoming self-conscious and telling anyone that would listen that the Terps were still better than Georgetown. Of course, their energy would have been better spent telling Chris McCray to go to class.

ED:  Tennessee women's basketball coach Pat Summit wins her 900th career game.  And does it all without strangling any of her players.  Obviously, she is no genius.

BB: Or outing any of them.

NBA
ED: Knicks GM Isiah Thomas badmouths ESPN's Bill Simmons. Simmons calls him out. THE MOTHER OF ALL SISSY FIGHTS MUST ENSUE!!!

BB: I will leave this for Phil.

PR: I am thinking the absolute worst think Isiah could do to Simmons would be to trade for Paul Pierce. And then punch Pierce in the jimmy. Because then he would be punching Simmons in the heart and face at the same time.

ED: Knicks F Antonio Davis goes into the stands in Chicago to protect his wife from the heckling of a drunken Bulls fan. Davis gets a 5 game suspension for such and is now THE KING OF NEW YORK!!!  Of course, nothing tops the drunken fan who promises not to sue - sue for what, no one is sure of.  To sue for being drunk and harassing Davis' wife?  To sue for being yet another obnoxious Chicago fan?  I am at a loss - if Davis apologizes and promises to give money to charity.  

BB: Well Davis’ wife kinda basically sorta acted like President Logan’s wife. Awww…I spoiled it for you.

ED: Ralph Sampson is indicted on a perjury charge stemming from his lying about his finances in a child support case.  Yeah, something tells me ol' Ralph's going to go the Andre Rison route and hide out in Canada.

BB: I really kinda hope he tries to blame this on Hakeem. And then Hakeem says that he couldn’t tell the truth because his hemoglobin was too low.

ED:  Hey, LeBron James' ma got busted for DUI.  Yes, somehow this is a story.  And for some reason I am covering it here merely because it's a diversion from the MIRACLE STEELERS! GOD LOVES FAT JEROME BETTIS!  BEN OVERRATED RULES!!! stories.  There ya go.  Oh yeah, and DIE STEELERS!!!  DIE!!!

BB: How many bowls of soup do you think Jerome Bettis can eat? Fifteen? Thirty?

PR: Aww… he would have to pry them out of Mamma McNabb’s meaty hands first.

NHL
ED: Penguins RW Ziggy Palffy retires. Meanwhile Mario Lemieux says the Pens are for sale. Feh. Without Palffy? HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO SELL A TEAM WITHOUT ZIGGY PALFFY?!?!?!?!?!

PR: The thing I enjoy most about this is that I really don’t think Ed has any idea who Ziggy Palffy is. Poor poor being far to old to play in this new fangled league.

ED: A federal judge rules that Capitals LW Alex Ovechkin can continue playing in America because Russian contracts suck. Unless it's a Russian contract on your life, of couse. In which case you will just slowly die from the clap Anna K gave you.

BB: Awww…that probably means that DJ Tanner has syphilis then. Poor poor Full House.

PR: Yeah – I so shouldn’t have even tried this week. Stupid Bill.

ED: Coyotes RW Shane Doan sues a member of the CANADIAN Parliament who falsely accused Doan of making a slur against French speakers. HAH!!!  Yeah, that's going to redefine the term "frivolous lawsuit."

ED:  Columbus Blue Jackets player Bryan Berard is suspended from international competition for two years for failing a steroid test.  He will not, however, be suspended by the NHL for failing the test since, well, the NHL, like ALL professional leagues, doesn't want to lose any real players to steroid suspensions.  And I am personally appalled and aghast by this!  Dang it!  Why did no one tell me that Columbus had a pro hockey team?

BB: You mean your office didn’t offer you twenty free tickets to THAT?

MLB
ED:  THEO!!! RETURNS TO THE RED SOX FRONT OFFICE!!!  SWOON!!!  HOT!!! SEXY!!!  BARELY LEGAL!!! ACTION!!!

BB: <3

ED: A whole buncha young kids are richer now thanks to avoiding salary arbitration. Stupid youth!

PR: NICK JOHNSON BABY!!!!!

ED: Senseless signings! The Cards sign P Jeff Nelson (MMMM, WHITE TRUSTWORTHINESS!!!). The Dodgers sign P Aaron Sele. The Mets sign P's Yusaku Iriki. The Rockies sign P's Keiichi Yabu and Tom Martin.  The Braves sign P Jorge Sosa (SCOUTS!!!  GENIUS!!! OMG!!!  OMG!!!  SMARTER THAN YOU!!!  NON-COLLEGE PITCHER!!!)

BB: I can only hope for an Yabu-Kim-Tsao war.

ED: Sad trades! The Orioles pick up Anna Benson (and her husband, P Kris Benson) from the Mets for P's Jorge Julio and John Maine.  (Ahh, NOW I see how the O's are trying to make Miguel Tejada happy!) The Blue Jays pick up P Brian Tallet from the Indians for P Bubbie Buzachero.

BB: Bubbie…Buzachero…gimmick…name…

PR: Aww…. Okay, we are waiting to mock the Red Sox till next week. Got it.

ED: The MLB ownership mafia approves to sale of the Cincinnati Reds to PRODUCE MOGUL!!! Robert Castellini. Right. An Italian "produce mogul." Uh-huh.  Yep.  Griffey's going to get whacked.

PR: You mean like Dan O’Brien?

BB: I really hope he stretches before that happens otherwise he’s really going to run the risk of pulling a qua…oh.

ED: Alex Rodriguez will now play for the United States in the World Baseball Classic - maybe. So much for the US team winning, I guess.

PR: They are being managed by Buck Martinez. I think the losing was pretty much a given.

ED: Yeah, about that there Baseball Classic dealie, Castro claims the US is chicken about not wanting Cuba in that there dealie no one's gonna pay much attention to.  The US then says, "HAH!  Bay o' Pigs Fidel!  We got your Bay o' Pigs right here, daddy!  C'mon, Fidel!  Come right in!  Bring it so all your players can defect and become rich thanks to the Yankees and Red Sox.  Yeah!  Revenge for foiling a bad JFK idea!  Yeah!  Revenge!  40 years later!  Eat it, Fidel!"  Christ.  I actually expect Selig to use all that in the marketing of the WBC: Avenging JFK 40 years after the fact!!!  

BB: KENNEDIES?!?!? INFALLIBLE!!! WICKED PISSAH!

PR: I enjoy that Bill modified Kennedy like it wasn’t a proper noun.

ED:  White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen becomes a full-fledged American citizen.  Yep.  It's official.  The INS have completely given up the defending of the borders from foreign whack-jobs after 9/11.

PR: Well I think they have managed to keep Yakov Smirnoff away… I think.

ED: A Chicago man gets 27 months in prison for trying to blackmail Gary Sheffield's wife about a video that allegedly shows her having sex with R. Kelly. BAH! Like videos of R. Kelly having sex with someone are rare. Oh. Wait. She was of legal age at the time? Oh, well then that makes it super-rare then.

SOCCER
BB: Arsenal sign Theo Walcott from Sunderland for £5 million, with the fee potentially rising to £13 million depending upon appearances. Your board has cancelled the transfer because the fee is excessive.

PR: Yup – starting to get giddy about World Soccer Manager arriving.

BB: Charlton sign Marcus Bent from Everton for £2 million. Because any Bent works.

BB: Uho Ehiogu does doesn’t does doesn’t does doesn’t move to WBA. Nicholas Anelka DOESN’T want to move from Fenerbahce. Right.

PR: Aww… I have seen this before. I figure in 10 days, he is going to feel homesick.

BB: Portsmouth spend £100,000 on a new pitch for their FA Cup match with Liverpool.

PR: That reads like an elaborate ploy to get Peter Crouch to trip. Which would be completely unnecessary. And because, you know that money couldn’t have been better spent, you know, SIGNING SOMEONE TO PLAY DEFENSE! I look forward to when they get relegated and Reading gets promoted and I will switch allegiances like the ugly American that I am.

BB: USA and Canada draw 0-0. Freddy Adu gets a yellow card for diving on his debut. Sadly cannot turn heel and move back to Ghana any longer.

BB: African Cup of Nations update when people start getting eliminated. All I can say is I watched Ivory Coast-Morocco in front of like 50 people and it was grand.

PR: MLS Draft held. Metrostars trade up to select Marvell Wynne first. No, no, no – not THAT Marvell Wynne. This is the son. Though with the Metros, you never know. Aww… Chris Henderson is so not the future.

OTHER
PR: Your Australian Open update. Martina Higins keeps winning. The Williams sisters do not. Russian girls still look lanky and hot.

ED: The CFL is implementing a new salary cap of reportedly $3.9 million. CANADIAN. So basically, in American, that's like 1/8th of a college team's sal cap.

ED: Two Michigan grads win the World Series of Beer Pong. Yes. This made the WTW but the figure skating championships did not. If you have to ask why, you clearly are at this site by accident.

PR: You fear Dancing With The Stars.

PR: Tony Stewart hurts his arm driving a midget car. Vern Troyer must feel really guilty.