The Week That Was 1/22/07 - 1/28/07
ED: Large print because Phil and Marc are now incredibly old. We'll get this over quickly so they can return to their Matlock and naps.
NFL
ED: Former Bears player and Giants coach and scout Ken Kavanaugh dead at 90. Marc and Phil can spend some time here reminiscing about his playing days.
ED: The Raiders hire Lane Kiffin as their new head coach. He is 31. Or roughly one-third the age of Marc and Phil.
ED: Dallas head coach Bill Parcells quits/retires/prepares for more angioplasty. God, that list of replacements being interviewed is like the greatest things ever. Well, next to the horse and buggy, Marc and Phil. Don't want to leave you guys out of the mix.
ED: Whole buncha more assistant coach moves. Bill or Justin or Joe, any of you want to explain to Bill and Marc the new technology involved so that coaches no longer need to go to a chalk board on the sidelines? Lord knows I don't want to try and explain the whole headset system.
JS: Let's not try and pretend I wasn't young when the Earth's crust first started to cool.
ED: The NFL announces they are going to improve their drug testing. God, I almost wrote that sentence with a straight face. Uh…for Marc and Phil…yeah…not going to try and explain the PED's. Let's just say that…umm…remember when you were kids and they used leeches on you to cure everything? Yeah, well…it's sorta like that. Kinda. Don't worry; they won't get polio from it or anything.
ED: There's some sort of strange brouhaha between the Heinz Company and Indianapolis ketchup/catsup maker Red Gold over the use of the term “red zone.” OK, Marc-Phil, ketchup/catsup is a condiment made from tomatoes. And in our society now, we don't consider tomatoes poisonous. Well, you guys might still. But the rest of us don't.
ED: The Pro Football Writers Association files a complaint against the Colts for not arriving to Miami for the Super Bowl until this coming Monday instead of the usual Sunday evening arrival. Yes, Marc and Phil, this is obviously because their train will be a little late.
ED: Saints RB Reggie Bush is fined $5K for taunting the Bears during the NFC title game. Oh, for Marc and Phil's days when a player scored a touchdown, gentlemanly tipped his cap to the fans then took a hit from the flask the bootleggers brought for him.
ED: TROUBLE LIST - Hereby renamed THA JUNGLE REPORT or something more Bengals-centric!!! Michael Vick's water bottle apparently did not have pot in it and he will not have to face any sort of charges. Bengals CB Johnathan Joseph is busted on pot possession charges. Bears DT Tank Johnson is cleared to travel to the Super Bowl. Former Packers/Seahawks/Vikings WR Koren Robinson accepts a plea bargain on his DUI case. Former Broncos CB Tyrone Braxton pleads guilty to pot and coke possession but gets no jail time (anyone want to explain to Phil and Marc the drug laws here in America now?). Bengals WR Chris Henry gets two days in jail for providing booze to underage girlies.
NCAA
ED: Reggie Bush-taking cash at USC-could lose his Heisman-etc. And of course, Phil and Marc can now reminisce about watching Heisman play college football while they wore their raccoon coats.
ED: The ACC admits to a “timing error” in a Duke win over Clemson. Yeah, I know Marc and Phil, it's really tough to get those sun dials to work properly.
JS: IONA! Still winless! Poor poor going from tournament team to team that could probably beat Carnegie Mellon.
SOCCER
JS: The fourth round of the FA Cup happened. I think all the plucky minnows are done.
JS: BUNDESLIGA! Werder and Schalke both won and are tied at the top of the table with Bayern, Stuttgart and Hertha sort of in striking distance. The rest of Europe is the dismal status quo.
NBA
ED: The NBA ALL STAR TEAMS ARE ANNOUNCED!!! Yeah, I know, Marc and Phil, the lack of George Mikan is really troubling.
ED: The T-Wolves fire head coach Dwayne Casey and replace him with Randy Whitman. No need for an old joke here. Phil and Marc remembering Randy Whitman's playing days will probably do the trick.
ED: Forbes magazine lists their most valuable NBA franchises. Number one on the list? The New York Knicks. Err, I mean, Knickerbockers. Phil will now wax poetic about how he saw them play at Madison Square Garden the night after a John L. Sullivan fight.
ED: Nets G Jason Kidd files for divorce claiming that his wife “physically and emotionally abused him for the last decade.” Yeah, for Marc and Phil, they don't allow for the husband to kill the wife anymore when they want out of a marriage. Well, not unless they are retired football players.
ED: LAYIN' DOWN THA LAW! T-Wolves Kevin Garnett gets suspended a game for throwing a punch. Hawks F Josh Smith is fined $25K for giving an obscene gesture to Charlotte fans.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Kings head coach Eric Mussleman pleads no contest to DUI charges. Yes, Marc and Phil, it is a crime to drive one's horse and buggy while inebriated now. A Michigan judge rules that Warriors G Stephen Jackson was in violation of his parole when he fired a gun outside of an Indianapolis strip club…err, burlesque palace for you, Marc and Phil. See what women showing ankle will do to people?
NHL
ED: The NHL ALL STAR GAME went down on some sort of UHF station. The West won the game, 12-9. No, Marc and Phil, Bobby Orr was not named MVP.
MLB
ED: Hall of Fame baseball writer Jack Lang dead at 85, former Cardinals GM Bing Devine dead at 90. Marc and Phil will now reminisce about how they tutored those guys in grade school. God these old jokes are really bailing me out.
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Rockies sign P? Brian Lawrence. The Twins sign P Ramon Ortiz. The D-Rays sign P Scott Dohmann and re-sign Japanese PVC!!! Shinji Mori. The A's trade P Kirk Saarloos to the Reds for P David Shafer and the ol' PTBNL. The Phillies sign SIX FINGERS!!! Antonio Alfonseca and OF Karim Garcia. The White Sox sign Punter Darin Erstad. The Pirates sign OF Luis Matos and UTL Nick Green. The Dodgers sign P Rudy Seanez and FPOTM Fernando Tatis. The Reds sign DREAMY!!! Mark Bellhorn. The Cubs sign DL Cliff Floyd and release P Glendon Rusch. The Tigers sign P Joey Eischen. The Rangers sign P Jamey Wright. The Mets sign P Aaron Sele. The Blue Jays sign P Tomo Ohka. The Mariners sign LOOGY!!! Arthur Rhodes and Jeff Weaver 4:20 (maybe - and no, I'm not going to try and explain 4:20 to the codgers). The Red Sox FINALLY!!! Get JD Drew officially signed.
ED: The New York Yankees are exploring opening a baseball academy in China. See, for Marc and Phil, China no longer binds people's feet so yeah…they can play baseball now. They also don't worry about the Mongols like they used to when you guys were young.
JS: ROTTEN CHINGS! Holding back the Han people! But--good for baseball, trying to break into the last (and biggest) East Asian market they haven't established themselves in yet. I just wish it wasn't the Yankees.
OTHER
ED: Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is euthanized. Why, yes, Marc and Phil. The do still shoot horses, actually. Why not?
ED: Serena Williams wins the women's portion of the Australian Open. Roger Federer wins the men's portion of the Australian Open (well, to be honest, I am writing this well before the thing is played. So if Federer loses in the finals I will take the blame…not that I care). And no, Marc and Phil, Australia is not just a penal colony anymore.
ED: Nicholas Cage is named the Grand Marshal of the Daytona 500. Oof, I really don't want to even think of explaining those fancy new motor cars to Marc and Phil. We'll just let them believe it's a horse and buggy race.
ED: There's some sort of tiff between Dale Earnhardt Jr, his stepmom and Kevin Harvick which I don't have the patience to figure out. Yeah, for Marc and Phil…umm, well never mind. I'm certain they didn't scroll down this far anyway. Hey, Murder She Wrote is on!
ED: CFL NEWZ!!! The Argos sign RB Jamel White and WR Jeris McIntire. The Eskimos sign WR Richard Smith and Taco Wallace. The Als sign DE's Steve Charbonneau and Tim Cheatwood. Yeah, totally not going to try and explain that Canadia is not just Call of the Wild territory to Marc and Phil.
JS: And what we may or may not have mentioned is that there's a brewing controversy between the CFL and AFL about the Arena league stealing CFL talent before their contracts are up. High-level talks may be involved.
JS: The Las Vegas Gladiators are trying to move to a smaller arena to create a more intimate atmosphere. Why didn't they think of that when they were the Red Dogs? They could've moved to wherever St Peter's plays…..
JS: WINTER X-GAMES! Yes, they happened. Shaun White went home without gold of any kind, losing to Andreas Wiig in the slopestyle and to Steve Fisher (not the guy slumming in San Diego State right now, as you probably can guess) by one point in the superpipe. Lindsey Jacobellis fell again just as she was about to take gold in snowboardcross. Thankfully nobody watches the X-Games so we don't have to endure the spectacle of a bunch of middle-aged men questioning her WILL TO WIN like we did during the Olympics. We got a taste of the next Olympic winter racing sport--skicross, which will debut in Vancouver--and it looked faster than snowboardcross with more brutal crashes, so get ready for Bob Costas to chide us all for enjoying it in three years. And freestyle snowmobile needs to be the first Olympic motorsport.
JS: Julia Mancuso's streak of podium finishes ended this week, but Lindsey Kildow won the super G so it is still Good Times for Team USA (11 wins for the season which is supposed to be a record.)
JS: U.S. FIGURE SKATING NATIONALS! Kimmie Meissner squeaked out the victory over Emily Hughes in a Kwan and Cohen-less field. Hughes' one fall cost her the one point she lost by. Alissa Czisny skated a near-perfect long program to take third. So there's your women's team; on the men's side regular guy with blonde girlfriend Evan Lysacek beat scary androgyne Johnny Weir, landing a quad in the process. Johnny was actually third after Ryan Bradley skated what looked like the long program of his life. And I just looked this up--the blonde girlfriend is Tanith Belbin?! Poor poor Agosto--he'll have to make do with he and Belbin taking ice dancing gold. And Inoue and Baldwin were upset by Castile and Okolski but since they were second they still get to go to the worlds in Tokyo. Rena Inoue will still have the chance to not medal in the land of her birth.