The Week That Was 1/23/06 - 1/29/06

ED: We only do this when we're not helping Cliff Floyd find his purse. Well, not old man Phil. He would fall and break his hip.

PR: You will have to recommend to me what pain killer you use.

BB: It’s not that I’m being lazy – well I am – but Ed and Phil’s old couple bickering can’t be touched this week.

NFL

ED: HEAD COACHING MOVES!!! Houston hires Gary Kubiak as their head coach. The Bills hire Dick Jauron as their head coach.

PR: Clearly the Bills no longer care about winning. Of course, neither do the Raiders.

ED: Redskins S Sean Taylor gets two more assault charges filed against him based on that there incident last summer involving his SUV. If convicted, Taylor could get 46 years. 46 years. That's roughly two times as many years as old man Phil is expected to live for now.

PR: I’m next on Taylor’s list?

ED: ASSISTANT COACHING MOVES!!! The Saints hire Gary Gibbs as their new D-Coordinator. The Rams hire Jim Haslett as their D-Coordinator and Greg Olson as their O-Coordinator. The Falcons hire Bill Musgrave as their QB's coach. The Dolphins hire Dom Capers as "special assistant" coach. The Bills hire Bill Kollar as their D-Line coach and Steve Fairchild as their O-Coordinator. The Vikings hire Fred Pagac as their LB's coach and Joe Woods as their DB coach. Jets O-Coordinator Mike Heimerdinger jumps before he's pushed. The Redskins name Bill Lazor(TRON) as their new QB's coach. The Saints hire Joe Vitt as LB's coach, Doug Marrone as O-Coordinator and and John Bonamego as Special Teams coach.

PR: Hopefully, Joe Vitt will make some contacts with the NOPD so he isn’t accidentally picked up one day as being one of the random convicts who escaped from the Hurricane ravaged prisons. And Ed loved his Hector Guerrero reference. Mainly because Hector makes at least one person older than Ed.

ED: Jay Reimersma retires. And I probably will still get stuck with him in a fantasy league, not noticing any difference.

PR: This might be the sole reason I run a football league next year.

ED: Michael Vick defends his little brother. Right. Ron Mexico as a character witness. Good move for ol' Mexicocito.

ED: Yep, it's that time of year - Pro Bowl starters are bowing out of the game and in come the scrubs. I will be 3rd string QB for the AFC if you plan on watching.

PR: Oh yeah – you can finally show off what you learned as Norm VanBrocklin’s understudy.

ED: The opponent of Republican Pennsylvania Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann fires his campaign manager for calling Swann a "rich white guy." Well…yeah. But, c'mon! There's so much room to work from with Swann. I mean, he could have just called Swann "Steve Largent."

PR: So basically a woman?

ED: A Pittsburgh-area coroner rules that former Steeler Terry Long died via suicide from drinking antifreeze. Yes, I will use the joke, Phil - are they certain it was antifreeze and not Iron City?

NBA

ED: The Pacers finally trade Ron Artest to Sacramento for Peja Stojakovic. MMM!!! WHITENESS IN THE MIDWEST!!! HOT!!!

ED: And speaking of hot whiteness - the Celtics pick up Wally Szczerbiak, Michael Olowokandi and Dwayne Jones from Minnesota for Ricky Davis, Mark Blount and Dwayne Jones. Simmons is going to need a moment to love him some Wally. He's already spent after the Schilling-fest.

ED: Knicks GM Isiah Thomas, the Knicks and MSG are being sued by Anucha Browne Sanders for sexual harassment and discrimination. See, what she misunderstands is that with her high-pitched voice, Isiah merely thought she was Bill Simmons.

PR: I eagerly await the out of court settlement where Isiah gives up two future first round picks.

ED: Toronto fires GM Rob Babcock. And to think that I had forgotten that Toronto even had an NBA team.

ED: Jazz C Greg Ostertag is suspended indefinitely for not showing up for practice. Christ, did they see Ostertag play AFTER he had practiced? Not practicing can only help.

ED: Kobe Bryant scores 81 against Toronto. No white girls were harmed in the process. Maybe.

ED: Isaiah Rider is arrested on charges of kidnapping a female acquaintance. God, I hope he gets sent to the same prison as Lawrence Phillips. The stories to be told.

ED: Pacers C Jermaine O'Neal out at least 8 weeks with a groin tear. Well, at least odds are slim he'll be arrested on any sort of sex crime charges.

NHL

ED: Mario Lemieux retires. Lemieux now expected to generate money for the cash-strapped Penguins franchise by pooping out glow-in-the-dark pucks.

ED: The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim announce they will officially change their name to the Anaheim Ducks at the start of the 2006-07 season. BAH! They will be the ADLA in my heart.

PR: QUACK!

AFL

WEEK ONE!!!

ED: Austin whips Las Vegas, 64-46. Craig Whelihan proves yet again that he would be the Bengals best back-up QB option. And hey! An Alonzo Spellman sighting! When did he get out of crazy camp?

PR: Maybe he carpooled with… crap why can’t I think of another crazy person? Stupid all my ideas being actually in jail. Maybe Dexter Manley got a weekend pass.

ED: Nashville mauls New York, 57-28. Nice of Aaron Garcia to do his best Eli Manning: Playoff QBimitation for the New York fans who might have forgotten.

PR: God, not only did the Dragons crap the bed but the let Clint Stoerner look like he really should have been the Cowboys starting QB.

ED: Georgia takes Orlando, 48-31. Poor li'l drunken Chuckicito.

PR: Joe Hamilton BABY!!!!

ED: Utah donkey punches San Jose, 48-35. Ooo, white power.

PR: I read that at least twice as “white powder” and I was like “Michael Irvin is in the AFL now?”

ED: Philly slaps around Tampa Bay, 52-34. Granted, I did not see much of the games this week but did NBC catch on and purposely not show Bon Jovi or did I just have really-really-really good timing? Either way.

PR: Watching Bill Gramatica attempt to kick will probably be the highlight of my season. Hopefully when TB goes to Denver, Todd Sauerbraun will be in the crowd to taunt.

ED: LA tops Arizona, 40-31. And I will start the question early this year - why the hell doesn't Remy Hamilton get an NFL gig yet crap like Jose Cortez always lands on their feet?

PR: I more enjoyed that at halftime, the crew was screaming about how LA NEEDED TO PICK A QB!!! THEY WERE BOUND TO LOSE!!! Who are you to doubt Ryan Van Dyke and Brian Mann? Well the Giants were ones to doubt Van Dyke but now I am getting sidetracked.

ED: Dallas kills KC, 58-44. Poor-poor Brigade. First, washed out of New Orleans, then resettled in KC. God, that's such the far worse fate than what happened to the Saints.

PR: The Brigade really might be the worst name for a team ever.

ED: Colorado over Chicago, 65-56. Ahh, John Elway sightings making up for the lack of Bon Jovi to cause me to hate life all over again. Thanks, NBC!

PR: Ed was so intent on cramming in Elway hate that he ignored the greatest part of the game. MICHAEL BISHOP – KICKER!!!! TAKE THAT KORDELL!!!

ED: Columbus kicks the crap out of Grand Rapids, 53-30. Hmm, Columbus didn't suck. Hmm, no buncha Ohio State rejects and Columbus didn't suck. Maybe there's some sort of cause-effect there? Naw. Couldn't be. Ohio State players ALWAYS do well in the pros. Uh-huh. Right.

PR: Aww… Grand Rapids used to be good once upon a time. Misty watered colored memories

NCAA

ED: A study reveals - GASP!!! - that white head coaches are the norm in NCAA sports programs. Wow! That study wasn't a waste of time at all.

PR: University of Maryland’s leading scorer and team captain Chris McCray thrown off the team for academic violations. GASP!!! A basketball player not attending class. Someone alert the church elders!

PR: SENIOR BOWL! UPSIDE! DRAFTABILITY! DOZENS OF FANS!

MLB

ED: THE RICKEY~!!! is going to play another year of ball in the independent leagues. We are happy, because we love THE RICKEY~!!! Phil is happy merely because there's still someone alive older than him.

PR: Besides you?

ED: The Reds fire GM Dan O'Brien. Poor little ex-Olympic her - Oh. Not the same guy? Well, he GM'ed pretty much the same as the decathlete.

ED: THEO EPSTEIN!!! Is again the GM of the Boston Red Sox. Today, getting the roster set. Tomorrow, learning how to shave. The day after, helping Phil across the street.

PR: Aww… I thought I would be carried by Derek Jeter. CLUTCH~!

ED: TRADES!!! Theo shakes off the rust and commences shaking up the Red Sox roster, sending 3B Ande Marte, P Guillermo Mota, C Kelly Shoppach, the ol' PTBNL and some scratch to Cleveland for OF Coco Crisp, P David Riske and C Josh Bard. In Phase Two of all this mess, the Indians send P Arthur Rhodes to the Phillies for OF Jason Michaels. Umm...hmm.

PR: Why Theo hates 3B prospects is beyond me. At least, Youkilis still might get ABs. Maybe.

ED: MORE PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Cubs sign DL Wade Miller. The Braves sign LOOGY Mike Remlinger. The Blue Jays sign P? James Baldwin. The A's sign DH Frank Thomas. The Cubs purchase the contract of ANGEL PAGAN!!! from the Mets. The D-Rays sign TWO TRUE OUTCOMES!!! Russell Branyan. The Mets DFA Tike Redman. The Nats sign 1B Daryle Ward and P Valerio del los Santos. The Padres sign STRAIGHT!!! Mike Piazza.

PR: Do the Blue Jays understand that the conversion rates only apply to currency and not age? And the Mets DFAing Tike Redman seems about right. I like Daryle Ward far more than I should but he is going to be stealing plate appearances from Nick Johnson.

ED: NEWSFLASH!!! Barry Bonds WILL NOT play in the World Baseball Classic. I repeat: Barry Bonds WILL NOT play in the World Baseball Classic. In case you missed it, Barry Bonds WILL NOT play in the World Baseball Classic. To summarize, Barry Bonds WILL NOT play in the World Baseball Classic.

ED: BUT Cuba WILL play in the World Baseball Classic. Mmm, the world's oldest 20-somethings all in one place. Phil eyes their youth jealously.

PR: A world where Jose Contreras is considered youthful is not a world I want to live in.

ED: The White Sox want to make 1B Paul Konerko their captain, but he doesn't want to be captain lest it upset TEAM UNITY!!! CHEMISTRY!!! GRIT!!! IDIOTS!!! Whoops. Wrong team.

ED: Jackie Robinson's daughter doesn't want MLB to retire Roberto Clemente's number. Ooooo! Liberal hand-wringing! Something to keep the on-line folk busy! Nice.

PR: Aww… I was going to try and make an elaborate West Side Story joke out of this but then I realized Bill would laugh because he would have no idea what West Side Story was. I hate all of you.

ED: Denny Neagle pleads guilty to patronizing a prostitute and gets 40 hours of community service. Rumor has it; the community service will involve entertaining Phil at the old folk's home.

ED: And just to top off this issue of Phil is older than dirt - the Nats name John Wetteland as their bullpen coach. GLORY DAYS!! GLORY DAYS! GLORY DAAAAAYAYAYAYS!

PR: 1996 was a good year. Oh so long ago…

SOCCER

PR: Yup, folks moving left and right. But apparently I am too old to remember any of it.

PR: The San Jose Earthquakes renamed the Houston 1836. We really are ugly ugly Americans.

OTHER

ED: DRUNK!!! skier Bode Miller calls Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong drug cheats. Wow! That took some sobering up to come up with those revelations.

ED: Toyota is going to enter three teams in the NASCAR circuit in 2007 - one of whom will be sponsored by Red Bull. Since Absolut will not be a co-sponsor of the Red Bull car, no one cares.

ED: Amelie Mauresmo wins the women's portion of the Australian Open. Roger Federer wins the men's title -and then does his best Dick Vermeil afterwards. And now I only have to mention tennis like 3 more times this year. Yay!

PR: All I know is that Amelie Mauresmo is manly enough to play for the Lions.

ED: Tiger Woods wins the Buick Open. Christ, I'm mentioning golf AND tennis in the same week. Yep, it's a slow news week all right.