The Week That
Was 1/30/06 - 2/5/06
ED: MADDEN!!!!!
BB:
MONOPOLY!!!!!!!!!
NFL
ED: JOHN
MADDEN!!!!! HARRY CARSON!!!
BB: Oh – cause I
was gonna say – isn’t Steve Largent already in the
Hall of Fame?
ED: SUPER
BOWL!!! WOW! Frankie Rodriguez blows a save! Oh, you mean that there fixed football game
that I gave up on in the first half.
Yeah, Steelers 21, Seahawks 10.
Now let's never speak of this rotten sport again.
BB: Football
equivalent of Frankie Rodriguez: um…let’s see. Young team, perpetually
rebuilding. Overhyped prospect. Production never
commensurate with buzz. Wait! Midwe…yes…FRANKIE
RODRIGUEZ HAS THE BOMB DICK!!!!!
ED: ASSISTANT
COACHING MOVES!!! The Broncos hire Mike Heimerdinger
as assistant head coach and promote Rick Dennison to O-Coordinator. The Jets
hire Brian Schottenheimer as O-Coordinator. (BRILLIANT!!!
A SCHOTTENHEIMER AS AN O-COORDINATOR!!!) The Bills fire D-Coordinator Jerry
Gray and QB's Coach Sam Wyche.
The Packers hire Kurt Schottenheimer as their D-Backs
coach. The Jaguars hire Mike Tice as assistant head coach. The Cowboys hire
Chris Palmer as QB's coach. The Lions hire Mike Mar--
Aww crap! The Texans hire Richard Smith as
D-Coordinator, Brian Pariani as TE's
coach, Mike McDaniel O quality control coach and Robert Saleh
D quality control coach.
BB: Words cannot
explain how happy it would make me if Mike Martz got the Raiders job. I think,
of course, after the failed suicide attempt, I would never have to write again
since VP would just be a constant stream of Ed vulgarity.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Bengals WR Chris Henry is for pulling a gun on
a group of people. Relax, folks. He did this in
BB: This is like
ED: The NFL is
kicking in $20 million towards repairing the Superdome. Now if only they had a
team to put in there.
BB: Or fans. How
did you miss THAT one?
ED: Richie
Anderson signs with the Jets, then retires. Which is a better option than
playing for the Jets, of course.
BB: He then ran
a zero route out of the room.
ED: Eagles QB
Donovan McNabb calls former Eagles WR Terrell Owens' criticism of him,
"black on black crime." Umm...yeah.
Yeah. I'm just gonna back away from this one.
BB: Phil Rippa – 10/23/03 – “- I don't care how much he sucks and
how much the man props him up, Donovan McNabb is (bad word) cut like Cock
Diesel. I would never ever want to anger the man.”
BB: Of course –
Phil in that same e-mail – “My mom would so cheat on my Dad with Mariano
Rivera. I mean, she wouldn't even think twice. It chills me to the bone.”
BB: And later in
the day – “My mom's 2nd trophy wife was Robin Ventura. So, yes, she is not an
Aaron
Boone fan.
Though her screaming at the tv "GO HOME RED
SOX!!!! GO HOME!!!!"
is one of the
highlights of my life.”
ED: Colts QB
Peyton Manning named the NFL's Walter Payton Man of the Year. Poor-poor Walter
Payton.
ED: Larry Csonka pleads guilty to charges of illegally filming on
national forest lands. AWESOME!!! I can't wait to see Turbo in antlers!
BB: Oh I hate
you. The great thing was my roommate watching the introduction of the 39 Super
Bowl MVPs and recognizing two things: that something was up since Joe Montana
wasn’t there, and that Larry Csonka was on American
Gladiators once. Of course they did not compare to LARRY BROWN!!!!!!!!
NBA
ED: Knicks coach Larry Brown is fined $20K for not leaving the
court in a timely manner after being ejected from a Knicks-Laker
game. Geez. Most smart people would run as fast as
possible from that mess.
BB: Larry Brown
only runs for a three million dollar contract settlement and a five-year-deal
with
ED: The Knicks trade F-C Antonio Davis to
ED: Antonio
Davis' wife is charged with misdemeanor battery charges for throwing a cup of
coffee at a woman in a traffic dispute. Drunken hecklers take note.
ED: NBA All-Star
starters are announced. Rockets C Yao Ming is the top vote-getter, Kobe Bryant
is second. No white girls were harmed in the affair.
BB: I’m pretty
sure Yao Ming couldn’t harm a white fly, let alone a white girl. The idea of
Yao Ming heading to SXSW to pick up the drunk college hipster girls makes me
happy inside, though.
ED: The New
Orleans Hornets are going to play most of their homes games next season in
NHL
ED: The Devils
retire the jersey of Scott Stevens. In honor of his Devils glory years, the
jersey will be clutched and grabbed ad infinitum before being hoisted to the
rafters.
BB: Aww….he was a Capital before he was good. You can say that
about a lot of people though.
ED: Islanders C
Kevin Colley fractures his fifth cervical vertebrae in an Islanders game this
week. I was going to make a joke about Canadian currency but Colley is from
BB: Clearly you
haven’t been to
AFL
WEEK TWO!!!
ED:
ED:
ED:
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ED:
ED: Philly takes
LA, 47-33. I didn't watch. Perchance was Bon Jovi
shown? Or was he busy singing sad songs
for Richie Sambora?
ED:
NCAA
ED: NATIONAL
SIGNING DAY!!! WHEE! BARELY LEGAL
ACTION!!!
ED:
ED:
BB: GO HOME
BLACK MEN! GO HOME!
MLB
ED: Former Tiger
Jack "Whistling Jack" Wade dead at 93. Odds of him being one of the
best pitchers for the Tigers next season still incredibly high.
BB: Well, Jim
Leyland IS the Tigers manager. You know once he blows out Jeremy Bonderman’s elbow, he’s gonna
want a veteran arm or five to mangle in the rotation. And since I will forget
to make this joke in the preview, I might as well make it now – what are the
odds that Jim Leyland will go to Tiger Stadium first on his first day of work
at
ED: Phil Rizutto is selling all his stuff. Yes. Apparently he still had stuff even after
selling everything - including his soul - to the devil to somehow get in the
Hall of Fame.
BB: I wonder how
much his autographed copy of “The Politics of Glory” is gonna
go for. The Curmudgeonly Beard will buy it just to THROW IT BACK AT HIM! GO
HOME OLD MAN! GO HOME!!!
ED: MORE PLAYA
MOVEMENT!!! The Twins sign OLD! Ruben Sierra. The Red Sox sign YANKEE HELPER!!!
Alex Gonzalez. The Reds sign P Rick White. The Nats
sign P Felix Rodriguez, SS Royce Clayton and OF George Lombard.
BB: The Red Sox
had some ugly, ugly NRI’s. Of course, they also
signed Dustan Mohr on the Mark Bellhorn “Good year
outside of
ED: Reds Manager
Jerry Narron reveals that Reds OF Adam Dunn played
last season with a broken hand. Yeah, but was he nice to Sean Casey? THAT'S
what we need to know!
ED:
BB: Oh no Ed –
that’s what the Cuban defectors are for during the WBC.
ED: Greenwich
Insurance Co. is accusing the St. Louis Cardinals of making false claims
regarding the land that the new Busch Stadium is built upon being polluted.
Well, if it wasn't contaminated before, Joe Buck stepping foot there certainly
will pollute it.
BB: Nah. You gotta assume it’s gonna be the
gel from the magnifi-mullet.
ED: Speaking of stadiums - the stadium formerly
known as
ED: A whole buncha people are pulling out of the WBC because they
suddenly realized…Hey! This is stupid! Good to know even dumb jocks catch on.
ED: But of high
importance, as far as pre-season exhibitions goes - THE CARIBBEAN WORLD SERIES
HAS STARTED!!! Ahh, sweet-sweet Super Bowl
alternative!
BB: Poor hockey.
SOCCER
BB:
BB: Sol
Campbell’s week: Have an awful half against West Ham. Get substituted. Leave
stadium at halftime. Have manager say it’s ok because you’re stressed. Have
your teammate say you’re having personal problems. Read dozens of British
tabloids reporting that your beard of a wife is leaving since she found you
with a man. Have every commentator question your fitness for the World Cup or
even your future in soccer. Your lawyer releases a statement saying
everything’s fine. Geez, Rio Ferdinand just forgets
to show up for drug tests when he doesn’t want to deal with this. And let’s not
talk about Mike Piazza.
BB: TRANSFER
MARKET!!!! God – where is Ed when I need him.
BB: Paolo Di Canio weighs a move back to
BB: Like four
lower-league managers get suspended for improper contact (BUNGS!!!) and begin
to sue the teams they managed. Except for Ian Holloway – greatest man alive –
who may soon be managing – be still heart –
BB: Mark Lawrenson calls Jean-Alain Boumsong
the worst player in the Premiership. Has clearly not seen Titus Bramble. Or a
BB: Middlesborough fans protest Steve McLaren
and their team’s poor form. McLaren, people dressed
like empty seats that make up 75% of
OTHER
ED: The CFL is
looking into expanding into
BB: Can they
share Charles Rogers?
ED: Tiger Woods wins another golf
tournament! Well, even watching that
would have been more palatable than 7 hours of Berman gushing over the
Steelers.
ED: OH NO!!!
Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow split up! Oh gee! Oh my! What kind of world is
this when two incredibly untalented people lose their love?
BB: Awww…no action for you, even if you are a hockey player old
man.
ED: The Kentucky Derby reaches a sponsorship deal
with the parent company of Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and...yes...KFC. Mmm, tacky.
BB: Ooh – ooh –
they’re gonna take the euthanized horses and serve
them to the spectators???
ED: Bode Miller
talks aboout…naw. I don't
care. Shaddup or play a real sport, ski boy.