The Week That
Was
ED: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,
Art Shell!
PR: As long as
he doesn’t go hunting with Dick Cheney, the Raiders will do fine.
OLYMPICS!!!
ED: The Olympics
have finally begun.
PR: Did you know
BB: I am shocked
Rikishi didn’t make an appearance in this ceremony.
ED: MICHELLE KWAN!!! OHYMGOD!!!
END THE WORLD! STOP
EVERYTHING! HOW CAN ANYTHING CONTINUE
NOW? God, and to think all that noise is
about a FRICKING FIXED SPORT!!!
PR: Aww… I could make that argument about all the sports we
watch.
ED: Hey! Olympic
cheaters! WHAT DO WE TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT THE SPIRIT OF THE GAMES! WHAT?
ED: The
International Olympic committee shoots down a bid to reinstate baseball for the
2012 Olympics. That's OK. Baseball still has the World Baseball
Classic...that everyone is bailing on. All right. Never
mind.
BB: Well,
everyone woulda bailed on the Olympics if they were
selected to go. You can’t dump your fake girlfriend. Or can you…
NBA
ED: Phil Jackson
is Mark Cuban's BUCKET BOY!!! God, nerd fights on the internet are never good.
PR: Neither is
video taping yourself playing with a fake lightsaber. Stripping for your eventual ex-boyfriend,
though, that’s aces in my book. Ahh… the Internet. You ugly ugly magical place.
BB: World Series
TV appearance? Recorded. Stripping? Not Recorded. Hate
life.
ED: All Star
reserves are named. I'm certain they are all there for their defense.
PR: Or by police
request so they could easily round up the outstanding warrants.
ED: NBA ref Dick
Bavetta officiates his
2135th straight game, setting a new NBA record. And really, that is quite the
accomplishment for a blind man. What?
PR: There really
was something fitting about him working a Knicks game
to break the record.
ED: Pacers F
Jonathon Bender retires. I have no idea who he is. Phil just told me to put this
in.
PR: So much
easier than having to think of a joke myself.
ED: C Steven
Hunter is returned to the Sixers when he fails the
Hornets physical. Yes, odds of him now becoming a Knick is
incredibly high.
PR: The first
Knick joke Ed steals from me this week.
BB: Interesting
considering the NBA section is now over.
NHL
ED: The death of
Marc Potvin is ruled a suicide. No word on if this
was determined by a shootout or not.
BB: The great
thing was apparently he hung himself from a shower rod with his belt and it
STILL took them three weeks to figure out it was a suicide. Well, sorta great…
ED: GAMBLING!!!
COYOTES!!! GRETZKY!!! Well, at least people FINALLY know the NHL is back.
PR: This
definitely is some sort of plot… a plot to get Janet Jones Gretzky some work
again. I mean if they are willing to do a Basic Instinct 2 1000 years after the
original are you telling me they couldn’t do an American Anthem 2? I mean there
is no way Mitch Gaylord could possibly be living comfortably. And then they
could get Jenny Ester and Maria Anz. Oh yeah, I am so
starting to write a FPOTM in my pants right now… err… wait a second. Aww… crap.
ED: Canadiens G Jose Theodore admits to using Propecia even though it will likely make him test positive
for a banned substance for the Olympics. BUT AT LEAST HE'S NOT BALD! HAH!
YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED! FOOLED!
PR: Johnny Damon
follows this story with great interest.
AFL
WEEK THREE!!!
ED:
PR: Stupid great
week of football that I didn’t see. I hate NBC.
ED:
ED: HAH!!!
ED: Holy
crap!
PR: Second Knicks joke Ed stole from me. Clearly, I am no longer
needed.
ED:
ED:
ED:
ED:
NCAA
ED:
PR: Maybe he was
afraid his Propecia prescription was going to be
found out.
ED: Dennis
Erickson is hired as the head football coach of
PR: An
ED: Former RB
for THE Ohio State University Maurice Clarett is
indicted on robbery and concealed gun charges.
So I guess
PR: Oh Ed. I am
sure one of the boosters 17 year old daughters will get pregnant and said
booster will hire Mo Clarett to punch her in the
stomach.
ED: The NCAA
will allow for one coaches challenge replay per football game. Oh, that will
not be pretty.
ED: A college
hockey game was played at Lambeau Field. God, can
Chris Berman get at Brett Favre through all the
hockey equipment?
BB: Brett is
just excited that he can give the puck away without it being recorded as an
interception. GRIT!!!
MLB
ED: RICKEY~!!! is going to be a spring training instructor with the Mets. Oh don't try to make me not mock you,
Mets. I love RICKEY~!!! but not that much.
PR: I guess
Rickey was just looking for a good card game. I really hope the Mets invite
John Olerud in a spring instructor too.
BB: I think the Red Sox still need a first baseman…
ED: The Nats are getting a new stadium! Well, who needs schools in
DC anyway?
PR: Considering
the city doesn’t appear to need parking or roads or housing or hospitals,
what’s one more item on the list.
ED: That whole
ridiculous Angels name-change dealie? Yeah. Forget
the haters. LAAS 4 LYFE!
BB: God, I don’t
want to write the baseball preview.
ED: The Reds
name Wayne Krivsky as their new GM. Well, Jim Beattie
should be used to bad offseasons with all that time
spent in
ED: Johnny Damon
takes out an ad in the Boston Globe thanking the Red Sox fans. Bird cages
throughout
BB: Fortunately
that Globe is buried outside everyone’s house under two feet of snow – by the
time it thaws out maybe someone will read it in May.
ED: PLAYA
MOVEMENT! The Giants sign C Todd Greene. The D-Backs sign OF Jeff Davanon. The Dodgers sign P Takashi Saito. The Phillies
sign SS Alex "NON-YANKEE HELPER" Gonzalez. The Blue Jays sign BITTER!
Bengie
Molina and DFA P Brian Tallet. The Nats sign PH Matt LeCroy. The
Reds sign BASERUNNER EXTRAORDINAIRE! Timo Perez. The
PR: When exactly
do you think Matt LeCroy found out that the National
League doesn’t have a DH?
BB: Yeah – poor poor Petagine.
ED: DUI charges
against Orioles P Todd Williams are dismissed when he revealed that his driving
sucked due to general clumsiness and the prescription medicine he was on - not
alcohol. The Orioles are looking into using the same excuses for their entire
upcoming season.
ED: The
PR: And snow!
NFL
ED:
ArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShellArtShell!!!!!
ED: The Pro Bowl ends the NFL season. Boy, could you believe all the defensive
stands in that game?
PR: I hate
myself for watching more than 3 plays of this game. Especially
considering the announcers.
ED: Jerome Bettis retires. FINALLY. Buffet's
throughout the
PR: Whatever it
takes to revive the economy.
BB: Or Jerome’s
large intestine.
ED: Tom Brady is
going to have hernia surgery. Oh, you know Peter King diagnosed this.
ED: Jets GM
Terry Bradway quits before he's pushed and is
replaced by Mike Tannenbaum. The question is, can
Mr. Christmas Tree draft a bad kicker in the second round? That's what the world wants to know.
PR: I don’t care
what any of you think – Mr. Christmas Tree made me laugh.
ED: Oh yeah,
those Monday Night and Sunday Night Football announcing line-ups for next
year…yeah. Oswald the Rabbit for Al Michaels? God,
what would Joe Theismann bring in a trade then?
PR: Is there
some sort of weird leg breaking Hentai that Disney
lost the rights to back in the day?
ED: ASSISTANT
COACHING MOVES!!! The Lions hire MIKE MARTZ!!! as
their new O-Coordinator! The Packers hire Eric Lewis as a D-Assistant and Shawn
Slocum as Special Teams Assistant. The Chargers hire John Ramsdell
as QB's coach and Hal Hunter as assistant O-line
coach. The Saints hire Pete Carmichael Jr. as QB's
assistant, Tom Hayes as D-backs assistant, Curtis Johnson as WR assistant,
Terry Malone as TE's assistant, George Henshaw as Sr. Assistant and RB's
coach and Greg McMahon as Assistant Special Teams coach. The Chiefs hire David
Gibbs as DB's coach and Jon Embree as TE's coach. The Texans hire Johnny Holland as LB's coach,
John Benton as O-line coach and Martin Bayless as
assistant D-backs coach.
BB: This might
be the happiest week of Ed’s life since high school.
ED: Former
Giants lineman Roy Simmons is horked that he did not
get Super Bowl credentials, believing that he was denied access because he is
gay and HIV positive. Nonsense. The NFL wouoldn't discriminate against him
because of that. The NFL doesn't discrimate against you unless you're black. Jeez.
PR: I am stating
right now that I refuse to do a Roy Simmons FPOTM. So don’t even try and ask Pieman.
ED: The Bengals sign QB? Doug Johnson. Hmm,
getting someone to make Jon Kitna look good.
OK. Whatever.
PR: He’s at
least as pasty as Jon Kitna. I hope that doesn’t
confuse Jesus.
ED: The
antitrust lawsuit by Hamilton County Ohio against the Bengals
and the NFL is thrown out of court due to the suit not being filed within the
four year statute of limitations.
Yep. We move quick
here in
PR: Aww… so is that your excuse when you play softball?
ED: Former
Bronco and 49er Willie Middlebrooks pleads guilty to
assault charges and gets nine months of domestic violence classes. Instead of sending him to those classes,
wouldn't it just be easier to send him to
PR: Well I guess
if Mo Clarett can’t make bail, here a two more people
that the OSU boosters’ can look to when the issue of pregnant daughter punching
comes up.
SOCCER
PR: Mido is angry. And Egyptian.
That’s what soccernet tells me.
BB: I am sad Ed
always does this first so he couldn’t make a Midol joke.
PR: Eventually
BB: Well they
eventually decided to just give it to the caretaker manager so I’m going to
have to settle for a Director of Football gig.
PR:
BB: It’s better
than him saying he was retiring so that he could concentrate on cheating on his
wife.
PR: The
OTHER
ED: Prominent
horse owner and breeder Mahmoud Fustok
is hit and killed by Albert Brooks. You would think all that time on the set of
Taxi Driver would make him a better drive…Oh. Wrong Albert Brooks.
PR: When I
showed Ed this story, Ed couldn’t think of any recent Albert Brooks movies.
Thus I had to think of something and all I could come up with was “Well that’s
at least one Muslim that Brooks didn’t find funny.”
BB: IT’S OVER!