The Week That Was
2/20/06 - 2/26/06 

PR: Aww... we are productive this week... sorta

 

ED:  What?  You mean the baseball preview is done already? 

 

BB: I am just kinda hoping that everyone gets hurt in the WBC and they cancel the season. Oh, that would make me giddy.

 

OLYMPICS!!!

 

ED: The important news - CANADIAN MEN WIN THE CURLING GOLD! And hey, the US men win the CURLING bronze. Sweden's women's CURLING!!! team takes home the Gold as well. The rest of the Olympics…I dunno.

 

PR: I should just reprint my stuff about figure skating and how the US and Canada suck at hockey.

 

PR: More importantly - the Olympics are over. Since I didn't watch the closing ceremonies I am unsure if Bode Miller chased after the Vancover mayor wanting him to joinbode.com.

 

ED:  I'm certain tons of sparklies and spandex were involved.  Just a hunch.

 

BB: No – that is the Summer Olympics. If I am actually living in Vancouver for the next Winter Olympics you all are gonna get the greatest running diary ever.

 

NBA

 

ED: TRADE DEADLINE DEALZ!!! Was anti-climatic and boring. Much like the entire NBA season.

 

PR: Isiah Thomas makes my century by trading for Steve Francis. The only thing that would have been grander would have been the inclusion of draft picks. And the Knicks raising ticket prices for next season. OH! and actually hiring Whoopi Goldberg to be the coach.

 

BB: I am the one person who would buy a new Penny Hardaway ’06 Magic jersey. That would make seven people laugh really hard.

 

ED: The Hawks suspend Salim Stoudamire for conduct detrimental to the team. Detrimental to the Hawks? What? Did he try to play good basketball?

 

PR: I am assuming he suggested that Michael Vick was overrated.

 

BB: Poor poor Bill Musgrave.

 

ED: Pacers C David Harrison is suspended one game for swearing at Detroit fans. Oh, c'mon! This is a step in the right direction as far as Pacers players-Piston fans interaction goes, David Stern.

 

PR: Did Mitch Albom fake a column about this? Did the Rock Bottom Remainders pen a protest song?

 

BB: Yeah – no clue what Rippa is talking about. Unfortunately the “David Harrison is crazy” article written by his roommate at Colorado is gone from the Internet.

 

PR: Aww... you are rightly scared of Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_Bottom_Remainders. I wonder if Gammons sends them pestering emails to allow him to join.

 

ED: Jailblazer Sebastian Telfair is suspended two games for getting busted with a gun. Do Portland suspensions even warrant a punch line anymore?

 

ED: The Clippers sign Vin Baker. Yeah, that will go well.

 

BB: Well, that’s a good enough punchline.

 

PR: I love that Elgin Baylor will still do everything in his power to try and ruin the Clips season. Of course, the quickest way to do this would probably be to write a fake GM conference.

 

BB: I can only assume Elgin Baylor did this to spite Simmons.

 

PR: Kevin Garnett is tossed from a game for throwing a basketball in the crowd. Basketball smashes Harvey Firestein’s less gay brother. Fans boo fan for getting stretchered out. CLASSY!

 

NHL

 

ED: American's are lazy and have no pride! Duh.

 

PR: What? Are we suddenly doing a remake of Gung Ho?

 

BB: Well fine. I’ll just say it. If you’re having sex with someone and they ask you “Are you afraid?”, you’re either not doing something right or you need to get out of there. Fast.

 

AFL

 

WEEK SIX!!!

 

FRIDAY GAMES:

 

PR: Columbus 42, Arizona 26: Oh yeah, the Rattlers being good was so so long ago.

 

ED:  Ayup.  There is no surer sign of that than losing to Columbus.

 

PR: Georgia 51, Kansas City 19: You know, for only 19 points, I am sure the good folks in KC could have not gotten a team and saved a bunch of money.

 

ED:  At least they still have the X FACTOR!!!

 

SATURDAY GAMES:

 

ED:  Tampa Bay 58, Austin 48.  Storm WR Lawrence Samuels becomes the teams all-time leading receiver in the process.  Like he couldn't be at least the number two receiver for the Bucs too.

 

ED:  Nashville 47, Grand Rapids 31.  Oof.  Look away.  Look away.

 

ED:  Dallas 55, Vegas 48.  Yep.  Clint Dolezel is sooooo going to be the Cowboys #2 QB and Drew Henson will come back to the Yankees just to make Phil hate his life even more.

 

PR: Did everyone change their unis this year? Because I don’t remember Vegas’ being so hideous.

 

ED:  Utah 68, LA 66.  Poor-poor LA.  Beaten by Joe Germaine.  It doesn't get any lower than that.

 

PR: Aww... I would think getting beaten by a team from Utah would be bad enough.

 

SUNDAY GAMES:

 

PR: Out of protest, Ed and I refuse to acknowledge that Elway vs. Bon Jovi happened.

 

ED:  Mmm, laziness as a form of social protest.  We are good Americans.  The Elways beat the Bon Jovis, 48-38, in case you cared.  And if you did, you obviously are here by accident.

 

ED:  New York beats Orlando, 55-35.  But the Dragons lose QB Aaron Garcia for the season with a broken leg in the process.  I like how the Dragons are trying to take after both NY NFL teams.  I suppose their entire LB corps will go down as a tribute to the Giants.

 

PR: Long may you ride Aaron Garcia. Though if Jared Lorenzen decides he needs extra work, I will be giddy.

 

ED:  Chicago over San Jose, 54-48 in OT.  Thanks, NBC.  You could have given us this game but NOOOOO!  God forbid they don't show Elway v. Bon Jovi.  God, American Idol can't smoke the Olympics enough in the ratings for me.  Stupid NBC.

 

PR: RING!!! GRAMMYS!!! TEETH!!! LIVING ON A PRAYER!!!

 

NCAA

 

ED: Barry Switzer is endorsing Tom Osborne's bid for governor of Nebraska. Yep. There's a character witness.

 

ED: POLICE BEAT!!! UConn assistant football coach Terry Richardson is arrested for domestic violence. Former Ohio State RB Maurice Clarett pleads not guilty to robbery charges. Navy QB Lamar Owens is arrested on rape charges.

 

PR: WHO ORDERED THE CODE RED?!?!?!?!

 

BB: Is it crazy delicious??? Did I get the memo on that?

 

MLB

 

ED:  Curt Gowdy dead at 86.  Pathetic old Reds fans get in line to whizz on his grave.

 

BB: His funeral procession blocks off my street and prevents me from driving to the mall to buy socks. This was the closest VP is getting to working blue.

 

ED: Phillies organist Paul Richardson retires after 35 years with the team. Thirty-five years of recycling all those thrown batteries probably got him a nice retirement home, I would imagine.

 

ED: Former Astros announcer Gene Elston wins the Ford C. Frick award. Tim McCarver denied again!

 

PR: He probably thinks it is because that damn Joe Buck is keeping him down.

 

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! The Mariners sign DREAMY!!! ROBERTO PETAGINE! The Rangers sign DL Erubiel Durazo. The Royals sign P's Ed Yarnall and Ryan Snare.

 

PR: Petagine immediately becomes the Mariners 2nd best hitter. Yarnall immediately becomes the Royals 2nd best pitchers. Durazo immediately becomes the 2nd best player on the Rangers DL.

 

BB: Does Rusty Greer have his spot on the 60 day DL retired?

 

ED: Tino Martinez retires and joins ESPN's announcing crew. Mmm, rings!

 

PR: Do you think Peter Gammons will be able to sit in the same studio? Or will he refuse as part of his own silent protest?

 

BB: All I know is I can’t wait for Kruk to initiate Tino. BASEBALL PREVIEW!!!

 

ED: Darren Dreifort retires. Oh yeah, you know his proper career match would be as an Enron executive.

 

BB: He could be my girlfriend, too…

 

ED: Yankees owner George Steinbrenner predicts a Yankee World Series victory. Phil sheds a tear.

 

PR: The Boss making predictions is far better than The Boss - Head of Player Acquisition. Aww... now I know why Tony Womack is bitter.

 

ED: Diamondbacks owner Jeff Moorad wants his team to be like the Raiders. Well, the last couple of seasons have been comparable.

 

BB: I guess this is something to strive for. It’s like wishing for cancer remission, though.

 

ED: Panama coach for the WBC Roberto Kelly quits citing lack of support from the Panamanian community. I would replace him, but there's that whole messy restraining order FERNANDO SEGUIGINOL!!! has against me. Stupid stalking laws.

 

BB: Don’t you mean Francisco?

 

PR: Sadly, Panama didn't have to guts to sign Derek Bell or Kevin Bass to be the manager. I enjoy Bruce Chen being angry about all this. I also enjoy the idea that Bruce Chen is a collector of baseball uniforms but he is also a purist so he will only take jerseys for teams he has played for.

 

ED: The Yankees pick up the option of Gary Sheffield for the 200--Whoops! Not so fast there, Gary.

 

ED:  White Sox GM Kenny Williams calls former White Sox DH Frank Thomas "an idiot."  Mmm, irony.

 

BB: Awww – RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

NFL

 

ED: DRAFT COMBINE!!! YOUNG HOT STUDS!!! IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!!! At weigh-ins while fat, old white man stand around! Nothing odd about that. Nope. Nothing at all.

 

PR: Ed originally wrote COMBINES!!! like the draft was merging with a rodeo or whatever the heck they do in Indy.

 

BB: The great thing is I read that the NFL’s contract for holding the combine in Indianapolis is up and they want to move to a warmer venue. You would think they would’ve realized Indianapolis was cold when they signed the contract or, considering they’re in a dome, they would…you know…turn the heat up.

 

ED: FRANCHISE TAG FUNNINESS!!! The Patriots won't Franchise Tag Adam Vinatieri! (First Dave Roberts! Now this! Bill may have to cut his Boston college experience 5 years short!) The Ravens won't Franchise Tag Jamal Lewis. (Gee. Who saw that coming?) The Raiders won't Franchise Tag Charles Woodson. (Ahh, the most perfect offseason ever!) The Colts won't Franchise Tag Edgerrin James.

 

PR: I think the only thing that could make Ed happier would be Kerry Collins drinking again and dropping the n word in front of Art Shell. And don't get me started on the "newsworthyness" of the Vinateri story.

 

BB: I am shocked the Raiders didn’t franchise Rod Woodson by accident.

 

ED: SAL CAP CUTS!!! The Jets cut Ty Law, Jay Fiedler, Jason Fabini and Jerald Sowell. The 49ers cut Ahmed Plummer, Johnnie Morton and Chris Cooper. The Bills cut OL Mike Williams. The Patriots cut CB Duane Starks. The Giants dump LB Barrett Green and OL Jason Whittle.

 

BB: Oh, I can’t wait for Ahmed Plummer to be a more expensive Will Allen.

 

PR: Speaking of the Giants secondary, Safety Brent Alexander retired. At first, I was wondering why ESPN was pimping him as some important cog. Then I realized, “Wait, Alexander was the only guy who didn’t irritate me in that secondary. Damn, I am going to miss him.”

 

ED: The 49ers win the coin toss with the Raiders to get the 6th overall pick in the 2006 draft. Ooo, this could keep the Raiders from getting A.J. Hawk. The offseason just gets better and better!

 

PR: Is A.J. Hawk the bastard offspring of AJ Styles and that crazy guy who didn't win Tough Enough?

 

BB: I was going with AJ Benza and Tony Hawk personally…

 

ED: Broncos LB DJ Williams pleads guilty to driving while impaired and gets one year of probation and 24 hours of community service. No word on if those 24 hours of community service involves sand blasting John Elway's teeth.

 

BB: Is that what they call third base nowadays?

 

ED: Bengals coach Marvin Lewis vows to cut the player responsible for leaking the story of Chad Johnson's outburst during the Bengals playoff loss to the Steelers. Oh, you so know it's that blabbermouth Kitna.

 

BB: Kitna can just say he was doing the will of God. WHO DEY GONNA BLASPHEME?!?!?!

 

SOCCER

 

PR: England complained about various hardships they faced for various international competitions. Because what would a week be without Sven claiming the world was out to get him?

 

BB: My favorite story of the week (or last week, since we forgot it) was Celtic being angry at Artur Boric for going on a Polish fan’s forum and saying Roy Keane was overpaid and John Hartson was fat and lazy. For about eighteen reasons. I mean, Artur Boric, giant Polish standup comic is great to begin with. You throw in the fact that Hartson’s agreeableness led to him kicking Eyal Berkovic in the head during practice six years ago and…well…

 

PR: Stuart Pearce reveals that he is working at Manchester City sans contract. Oh so that is how Portsmouth is going to get rid of Harry Redknapp.

 

OTHER

 

ED: Calgary Stampeders head coach Tom Higgins is named CFL coach of the year. Only because he didn't have Danny McManus, I would assume.

 

ED: NASCAR driver Shane Hmiel is suspended for life for failing his third drug test.  This wouldn't happen is NASCAR has a sal...whoops.  Wrong excuse.  What about the children?

 

ED: Jimmie Johnson crew chief Chad Knaus is suspended for three races for…something…something. I don't know.

 

PR: CHEAT TO WIN!!!

 

ED:  Matt Kenseth wins the Auto Club 500.  Aww, crap!  And I had been turning right all this time!

 

PR: CHEAT TO FINISH 2ND!!!

 

PR: Geoff Ogilvy beats Davis Love III in the Accenture Match Play Championship. What? David Duval wasn’t one of the Top 64 players? I AM SHOCKED!!!