The Week That Was
2/27/06 - 3/5/06  

ED:  I am so with the cutting out of work due to personal reasons bandwagon.

BB: Really, I can’t think of anything I haven’t skipped out on work for.

PR: Here we go yo, here we go yo. So what so what so what's the scenario. Here we go yo, here we go yo. So what so what so what's the scenario

NBA
ED:  Kobe Bryant becomes the youngest player in NBA history to reach 16,000 points.  No anonymous white women were harmed in the process.  Maybe.

BB: Wait – wait – we are STARTING with the NBA? Did Justin contribute to the VP fund or something?

PR: If Justin really wanted to contribute, he would write his own Sun Wen FPOTM.

ED:  Timberwolves G Anthony Carter arrested for DUI.  Yeah-yeah.  Of course he's on his way to Portland.

BB: Is there any team more out-of-touch with its constituency? Most of Portland won’t drink beer because they’ll spend too much time trying to figure out whether it’s vegan or not. It’s like if the Packers were all thin black guys and the star athletes in New England were all Hispani…oh.

ED:  NBA commissioner David Stern says that he wants to keep the Traiblazers in Portland.  Oh, come on.  When even I can make a joke about that without thinking, it is far too easy.

BB: In Ohio, going without thinking is not only far too easy, IT’S THE LAW.  

PR: Aww… I thought the law was that the word No is irrelevant to a Buckeye.

ED:  Aww, Phoenix releases Jim Jackson.  Well, at least he has that fine Ohio State education to fall back on.

BB: Have I ever mentioned that the only CDs my dad has bought in the last fifteen years were Toni Braxton CDs? How many things are wrong with that? And does anyone want to lay me money on Phil having Toni Braxton on his IPod yet?

PR: Aww… your dad wants her to unbreak his heart.

ED:  Spurs F Robert Horry is suspended 2 games for biting Mavs G Jerry Stackhouse.  Stackhouse gets a $30K fine for criticizing referees after said game.  Mmm, synergy!

BB: I spent ten minutes staring at the cursor blinking here until I realized I have absolutely nothing to say about this. Onward.

PR: My days of payin dues are over, acknowledge me as in there (YEAH). Head for the border, go get a taco. I'll be wreckin from the jump street, meaning from the get-go. Sit back relax and let yourself go. Don't sweat what you heard, and act like you know

NHL
ED:  Hey!  The hockey season begins again!  And I still have no clue what's going on in the NHL!

BB: I went to the Bruins-Sabres game this weekend and wow – the Bruins are terrible. And wow – no one cared, except for the one guy who was picking on Hal Gill, of all people. It was an absolutely awful experience and it was free – even the juniors game ended 0-0, which was a push and I lost my $20.

PR: I heard you rushed and rushed, AND ATTACKED. Then maybe you think you had TO SMACK. Causin rambunction, throughout the sphere. Raise the levels of the boom, inside the ear

AFL
WEEK SEVEN!!!
ED:  Columbus takes New York, 65-54.  Poor li'l QB-less Dragons.  

PR: I actually had to double check this score to make sure Ed hadn’t accidentally reversed it.( And come on, none of you would have been surprised if this had happened). Aaron Garcia becoming Jeff Garcia is disheartening.

ED:  Austin edges Georgia, 53-52.  GOAL LINE STANDS!!!

PR: If the AFL had any brains, they would focus on things like this. But no, it’s gotta be ELWAY AND BON JOVI AND DON’T FORGET JAWS!!!! I PLAYED IN THE NFL DAMMIT!!!!

ED:  Arizona tops Nashville, 51-49.  Aww, I like how Nashville's kicker did his best Jay Feely imitation.

PR: Aww… I would assume it would have to be better than Dane Cook’s imitation.

ED:  San Jose slaps around Utah, 65-50.  Yeah, I like that logjam for first in the West with those 2-3 records.  It's like their homage to the NL West or something.

PR: PARITY!

ED:  Dallas handles Chicago, 59-42.  You know what this game needed?  Bon Jovi in acid-washed jeans.  What?  Did I just write that?  The hell?

PR: Clint Dolezel again the best QB in Texas. Okay okay, might not necessarily the best. But at least he isn’t the dumbest. 6!

ED:  Orlando spanks LA, 59-34.  You know what this game needed?  Elway teeth.  Oh, damnit!  Is NBC implanting chips in my head again?  Crap!  Hey, that Howie Mandell!  He's a talen-- OK, god damn NBC!!!  Quit implanting chips in my head!  Hey!  You know that Apprentice looks like a terrif--  Must.  Suffer.  Head.  Injury.  Turino.  Haunting.  Must. Lobotomize.  Self.

ED:  Colorado whips Grand Rapids, 66-54.  Stupid Elways.

ED:  Tampa Bay throttles KC, 69-59.  Oh yeah, I am enjoying KC's futility far too much.

PR: Ed’s Bon Jovi made him forget to actually point out that the Soul lost to Vegas 67-49.

NCAA
ED:  Conference tournaments are beginning - or, in some cases, ending.  Yep.  It's that time of year when short, fat, white men who have never played a basketball game in their lives become NCAA Tournament experts again.  Kill me now.

BB: Can’t I just repost the rant I reposted on this from last year?

BB: Not if I can’t find it.

PR: Highlight of the weekend was Ralph Sampson showing up at the last home game in Virginia’s dump of an arena and then blowing his first attempt at a dunk and falling on his butt on the second one.

MLB
ED: HOF'er Kirby Puckett suffers a stroke.  Gee.  Who could have seen this coming?  Oh.  Right.  Certainly not Kirby.

BB: I am SO picking “Fat outfielders who don’t take no for an answer” in next year’s dead pool. Sweet sweet archetypes.

PR: See, Ed steals the blind joke and Bill steals the deathpool joke. Aww... I love Kirby too much to think of more mean things to say. Poor poor wandering hands.

ED:  Bret Boone retires.  Fret not, people.  There will always be room for him at the Chocolate Factory.  Oompa Loompas need 'roids too, ya know.

BB: I wonder if Al Leiter has better sex with Bret Boone’s wife than Bret does. I wonder if Al mows the lawn better than Boone does. There’s gotta be something Boone’s better than him at.

PR: One could argue that Bret at least had the better brother who played in the big leagues. I would would not be one of those people.

ED:  The World Baseball Classic is underway.  By the time you read this, most everyone else has probably dropped out of the tournament.  I might be a part of the German National team though.  DEUTSCH GOD O' WALKS!!!  I must fulfill my calling!

BB: Speaking of Al Leiter…

ED:  The sweetest of all possible words - Spring Traing games begin!!!  Finally, a sport that does not subject me to Bon Jovi!

BB: Oh, like he won’t get a NRI from the Orioles in five years. IT’S MY LIFE!!! NOW OR NEVER!!!

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Nats sign P? Pedro Astacio.  The Mariners go insane and lock up DH? Raul Ibanez for a couple of more years - ditto the Giants with OF Randy Winn for three more years.

BB: I don’t know what the confusion is on Pedro Astacio. He’s more a pitcher than he is anything else, at least…

ED:  The greatest of all new hotnesses - guys arbitrarily leaving spring training include: Royals P Zack Greinke (possibly because he's crazy), Tigers P Troy Percival (certainly because he's done), Dodgers P Eric Gagne (probably because he's Canadian and misses the CURLING!), Marlins OUT! Pokey Reese (likely because...umm...he feels remorse for bilking far too many teams out of big league money?)

BB: The Pokey article says that he was emotionally distressed…”The 32-year-old infielder has coped with a succession of tragedies, including the death of his fiancee 13 years ago.”  Pokey…you might want to get over it already…I mean…AT LEAST YOU GOT LAID WHEN YOU BOUGHT HER TICKETS TO THE CITY CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!

PR: Well waiving him will clearly save the Marlins 2 runs a game.

ED:  The Baseball Hall of Fame elects a whole bunch of people (17, to be exact) from the Negro Leagues.  The lesson from all this?  Stay away from boring people to death with nonsensical stories in ridiculous Ken Burns docu--err, TV shows where Burns pans all over pictures while maudlin music plays in the background and you could make the Hall of Fame.

BB: In all fairness, this is also the second half of every WWE DVD.

ED:  Reds Pitching Coach Vern Ruhle is diagnosed with cancer.  Well, that will make his stay in Cincy a little more enjoyable.

PR: He does realize that Marge Schott is dead right? He doesn’t have to keep sucking up.

ED:  Nats OF Jose Guillen wrecks his wrist and is expected to be out for 3 months.  Nick Johnson chuckles.

PR: As I did it yo I had to beg your pardon. When I travel to the Sun I roll with the squadron. RRRRRROAW RRRRRRROAW like a dungeon dragon. Change your little drawers cause your pants are saggin. Try to step to this, I will, fits you in a turban. And had you smellin ripe, like some old stale urine. Chickity-choco, the chocolate chicken. The real cock diesel, for chicks they were digging

PR: ESPN announces that Peter Gammons will be joining John Miller and Joe Morgan on Sunday Night Baseball. Gammons definitely strikes me as the type of person who will randomly start quoting lyrics to like Scenario because he has nothing to say and wants to seem hip. Err… wait a sec… aww…. Crap!!!

NFL
ED:  Former Falcons and Hamilton Tiger-Cats OL Travis Claridge dead at 27.

ED:  The US Army promises a thorough review in the events surrounding the death of former Cardinals and Army Ranger Pat Tillman...to prove that terrorists, indeed killed him, perhaps.

BB: Aww – I am not sure if that is poor grammar or subtle social commentary. Or whether one is the other.

ED:  The NFL and the NFLPA spent the week not getting along, still unable to get anything done with the new CBA as of Sunday night.  See, this wouldn't happen if the NFL had a salary ca--  Oh.  Right.  Damn, cure-alls not curing all.

BB: Wait – wait – I know. DRUG TES…oh, um…PARIT…well, uh, XF…that didn’t work, oh. Um…

PR: Clearly the NFL is not enforcing the dress code well enough.

ED:  The NFL awards Super Bowl in 2015 to Kansas City.  Yes.  Kansas City.  Well, at least the theme for the 2015 NFL Preview is already written - THE RACE FROM KANSAS CITY!  Right.  Like Phil and I expect to be alive in 2015.

PR: Like I expect to be alive in 15 minutes.

ED:  Big news out of the NFL Combine is that Texas QB Vince Young may or may not be incredibly stupid.  Nonsense.  If he was as dumb as people are saying, he would have been on an honors scholarship at Ohio State.

PR: I enjoy how getting a 16 is suddenly world’s better than a 6. IT’S STILL A TERRIBLE SCORE PEOPLE!!! If I was taking a skills test for my job and I scored 32%, I am doubting I would be hired. Well maybe if I was applying to work in Ed’s office.

ED:  Some SAL CAP PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Cowboys cut DT La'Roi Glover.  The Steelers cut QB Tommy Maddox and CB Willie Williams.  The Giants cut S Brent Alexander.  The Texans cut S Marcus Coleman, QB Tony Banks and RB Tony Hollings.  The Panthers cut DT Brenston Buckner, LB Brandon Short and RB's Stephen Davis and Rod Smart.  The Broncos cut RB Mike Anderson, DE Trevor Price and TE Jeb Putzier.  The Bills cut DT Sam Adams, S Lawyer Milloy and TE Mark Campbell.  The Dolphins cut CB's Sam Madison and Reggie Howard, S Tebucky Jones and OT Damion McIntosh. The Chiefs cut CB's Eric Warfield and Dexter McCleon and LB's Shawn Barber and Gary Stills.  The Packers cut LB Na'il Diggs.  The Raiders cut DL Ted Washington, OL Ron Stone and DB Denard Walker (umm, why is Kerry Collins not on this list?).  The Seahawks cut LB Jamie Sharper and CB's Andre Dyson and Michael Harden.  The Lions sign QB Shaun King.  The Titans restructure QB Steve McNair's contract.  The Browns extend RB Ruben Droughn's contract.  The Jets cut C Kevn Mawae.

BB: The Shaun King signing has to be Matt Millen ribbing the city of Detroit. I mean, the Detroit coach isn’t even black! And DID Kerry Collins get cut right after Ed sent this out? …TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!!!

PR: I just enjoy that Ed completely ignored my Brent Alexander retirement stuff from last week. Oh and how ESPN has gone out of its way to point out that the Jets are really cutting Mawae because he is getting old and stinky and not because of the cap.

ED:  Cowboys LB Dat Nguyen.  And now the fun game of figuring out when, where and for what the retired Cowboy will be arrested begins!

BB: I don’t think you can get arrested for being short so this one will be tougher.

PR: Oh like the government hasn’t just selected a group of Asians and rounded them up in the past.
 
ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Former Vikings DL Carl Eller busted for DUI.  Lawerence Phillips will stand trial on one of like 700 assault charges.  Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper and RB Moe Williams claim discrimination in their love boat case.  Chiefs T Saousaolii "Junior" Siavii Jr. gets community service for attacking a hotel doorman.

PR: And I am sure that the Vikings center who called a Gene Upshaw a POS is going to get a beatdown once Upshaw is done negotiating with the league.

SOCCER
BB: MetroStars about to be bought by Red Bull, rechristened FC Red Bull. World of sports far more preposterous than I can ever dream.

PR: Oh yeah – this is so Alexis Lalas stroking his ego.

BB: Somewhere (the BBC?) made an excuse that Middlesborough’s fans were not present at the Riverside because of the snowy weather. Right.

BB: Robbie Williams buys stake in Port Vale. Oh yeah. Definitely some Take That on Rippa’s IPod.

PR: Aww… I would protest but at this point who can be sure?

BB: Arsenal’s Robin Van Persie will not be charged with rape, bringing the number of foreign wingers in England being charged with rape in their home country finally back down to zero. Awww…Albert Luque isn’t taking no for an answer this summer, ladies.

PR: Does that mean he is making a trip to Ohio State’s campus?

BB: I’m just going to run this straight out of the AP.

England and Arsenal soccer player Ashley Cole is to sue two British tabloids saying he has been wrongly identified as one of two top players who took part in a homosexual orgy, his lawyer said on Friday.
In an unusual legal action, Cole, 25, is suing the papers for libel, harassment and breach of privacy even though he was not named by either publication.
The case refers to a story in the News of the World on Feb. 12 which appeared under the headline "Gay as you go".
The paper's story said two bisexual players, one of whom had played for England, "were caught on camera cavorting with a pal well-known in the music industry in a homosexual orgy".

BB: I can only assume Kurt Angle is going to be suing the News of the World in a coupla weeks for insinuating he was going to sign for Portsmouth, too.

PR: Honestly – would Portsmouth be any worse off?

OTHER
ED:  NASCAR will reportedly build their Hall of Fame in Charlotte, North Carolina.  God, I so hope the parking lot does not allow left turns out of it.

PR: Aww… this story is about as true as Kerry Collins getting cut.

PR: Tiger Woods wins again. Phil Mickelson pays a guy off after breaking his watch. Yup – golf. It’s fantastic.