The Week That Was
3/06/06 - 3/12/06
ED: Stupid Preview not writing itself.
BB: Aww…I hope you all like a lot of Ed Agner.
PR: I so should have punted this week. Stupid trips home.
NBA
ED: Oooo. The city of New Orleans gets their first basketball game since Hurricane Katrina when the Hornets hosted the Lakers Wednesday night. There is a Kobe anally penetrating an anonymous white girl joke in here somewhere. Maybe. But I am far too kind to make that joke. Yes. Yes I am.
BB: Is this last week’s WTW? Ooh. I always thought we could get away with that.
PR: Let’s try that for the baseball preview. I mean…. Maybe my picking the Blue Jays to make the playoffs won’t look so bad this year.
NHL
ED: NHL TRADE DEADLINE DEALZ!!! WOW!!! Can you believe what teams will do just to get Tim Horton coupons? I've actually been in a Tim Horton's. I like me some doughnuts. Yes. Yes I do. Jelly-filled, glazed, doesn't matter. Love me some doughnuts. I also thoroughly enjoy how all of the staff are Pakistani. Is Pakistan part of Canadia? If so, that would explain a lot about how the Canadian baseball team beat the US in the WBC, with all the cricketers and all. The Canadian Maple Glazed doughnut at Tim Horton's took like 6 years off my life which means I will die tomorrow and Jooge will take my place here. Jooge knows his hockey. Linda Cohen played hockey, ya know. Jooge told me. So yeah. Jooge would be better suited to cover this section than me. Aww. Look at that. I'm running out of room in the hockey piece and didn't even mention the deadline deals. Damn. Mmm, Canadian Maple Glazed.
BB: We should all just develop alter-egos and kill ourselves off. In the preview.
PR: Aww… real life would allow me to avoid moving and getting another job.
BB: All I remember was the Capitals comically reacquiring Kris Beech AND getting a first rounder for Brendan Witt. Oh – and the Bruins apparently are building their team around trading for/signing guys from Massachusetts. Even if they are stinky. Poor poor Sergei Samsonov just wishes he pronounced his name “Samsonahhhhhhv” now.
PR: Yes, I read that as “Chris Bosh” and thought “God, that might be the most unlikely two-sport athlete ever” and then I was like “Jesus, Chris Bosh playing pro basketball and hockey so trumps anything that Jeremy Bloom is doing.” Then I started thinking about Ed’ DJ Dozier FPOTM and the 1992 Topps Prospect article I never finished. Then it dawned on me that Brian Jordan really needs to retire so I can write his FPOTM because I don’t even think Bill remembers Jordan playing football. I am a thousand years old. Though a to be continued FPOTM would be interesting, where I could just write about his two-sport days and then never have to come back and do the baseball part since we all know in 3 years, Ed and I will be dead and Bill will still be a Sophomore.
AFL
WEEK EIGHT!!!
ED: Georgia whips Columbus, 68-50. Buck up, li'l Destroyer fans. OSU spring practice is coming up. Time to forget your sadness by buying a recruit a new car.
PR: Aww… what are the odds of an Ohio team not playing defense.
ED: Colorado takes Chicago, 49-42. Stupid fumbling Rush. Well...at least we didn't have to see Elway this week.
ED: Arizona tops Orlando, 60-57. Oh yeah, it seems like a lifetime ago when they both were the league's powerhouses. Probably about about the same length of time as when Bon Jovi had a signing career.
PR: I probably would have watched this game pantsless. Sweet sweet Joe Hamilton. Sweet sweet Sherdrick Bonner. Oh yeah… I have said far too much.
ED: Utah manhandles Nashville, 63-34 and loses Joe Germaine in the process. Well, it's a win-win deal for Utah in the end, isn't it?
PR: Clint Stoerner got hurt for Nashville too. Yup, that comeback dream is dying a slow slow death.
ED: Vegas slaps around Grand Rapids, 66-41. Wow. If things were any uglier for Grand Rapids, they would be the Lions.
PR: At least dozen of people were there to witness it. IT’S VEGAS!!! PEOPLE WILL COME!!! FANTASTIC!!!!
ED: Dallas kills Tampa Bay, 64-35. Yep. It's official. Drew Bledsoe is so the 2nd best QB in Dallas.
PR: Someone needs to explain to me how Bill Gramatica still has a job. Is he some sort of draw for Tampa Bay? Are they hoping that if they don’t cut him, Martin will kick there next year?
ED: New York somehow beats Austin, 59-56. Ooo, flukey.
PR: And Kevin Swayne remains the best wide receiver in New York not named Amani Toomer.
ED: LA and San Jose are beating the crap out of each other as I complete this and allow for Phil to plug in the score.
PR: RIPPED STRAIGHT FROM THE HEADLINES: “SaberCats fall out of first place with loss. ON BRIGHT SIDE, WAGNER SETS MARK FOR ALL-PURPOSE YARDS.” The Mercury News is so cute.
BB: I just want to note that the cover of the whatever it’s called magazine on the Amtrak this weekend was Bon Jovi and a headline about how he bought a football team to save the children. I can’t even make that up.
PR: Oh…. that will be even funnier when we actually have AFL news next week. TEASE~!
NCAA
ED: HOT HARDWOOD ACTION!!! Tournament finals!!! Bracketology!!! Whee!!! Christ. Is basketball season over yet?
ED: Ohio State's men's basketball program gets a slap on the wrist for some sort or rules violation. What? Ohio State has a men's basketball team? So that's who commits the felonies in Columbus after the football season is over! Aha!
ED: Finalists for the college football hall of fame are announced. Oh yeah, Randall Cunningham and Bruce Smith. That will undoubtedly make Phil are sorts of happy.
PR: I was going to make a joke about Bruce Smith randomly jumping on Randall Cunningham in the hopes of upping his sack total but then I realized that there was still no way Smith could ever track down Cunningham. Maybe Smith can trip a waiter or something.
MLB
ED: HOF'er Kirby Puckett dead at 45.
PR: Long may you ride Press Your Luck guy. You finally hit your Whammy. Oh wait… this is Kirby Puckett. Nevermind.
ED: WBC fun - the US loses to Canadia. Phil and I enjoy this too much. The US advances to in the WBC anyway, thanks to the other patsies in this whole dealie being fixed. And then Japan gets anally-intruded by the US causing AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!!! WHEE!!! Is it April 3 yet?
BB: My favorite part of the WBC so far was Lee Smith being the South African pitching coach.
PR: My favorite part is that not only is Karim Garcia playing for Mexico but he was hitting leadoff.
ED: MLB will now go in business to sell "approved supplements" (wink, wink) to its players. So Bud Selig's new idea of "revenue sharing" is to sell drugs? Ahh, Bud is more clever than I thought.
BB: I’m guessing Ed tried to write cleverer and Microsoft Word told him that was a faux pas. Fortunately, I already added that to my dictionary. Cause Microsoft Word didn’t realize…(catchphrase)
ED: Speaking of "supplements" a new book coming out reveals that Giants OF Barry Bonds took steroids. GASP!!!
PR: Do you think Pedro Gomez has blocked the SI reporters from calling him yet, just to escape the taunting.
ED: The D-Backs trade IF Alex Cintron to the White Sox for for P Jeff Bajenaru. Who are you to doubt Kenny Williams? Who?
ED: RETIREMENTS!!! Winningest left-handed pitcher in Giants history, Kirk Rueter, retires. No-hittingest C in the history of quite a few teams, John Flaherty, retires.
BB: And somehow this leads to “The Red Sox need a backup catcher” stories. As if John Flaherty solved that problem beforehand.
ED: And the hits keep on coming in KC - P Mark Redman is out 4-6 weeks with a bad knee. Poor-poor Pieman.
BB: I’m pretty sure the last two Prospectii have smited him enough for a lawsuit.
ED: Marlins prospect Jeff Allison is suspended once again for "undisclosed reasons." Rumor has it, though, that Josh Hamilton is now calling Allison up to come over and listen to Velvet Underground albums with him. PREVIEW SPOILER!!!
ED: Blind baseball reporter Ed Lucas gets married at home plate of Yankee Stadium. And you all said Suzyn Waldman would never find a man who finds her beautiful.
BB: Was John Sterling hitting on the bride during the wedding?
PR: My sister does not approve of either of those jokes.
ED: And the greatest news for me so far is MC Bowdes blowing up on the Nats for playing poorly in Spring Training. AWWWWYEAH, BOOOYYEEEE!!! TURN THAT MUTHA, OUT! LET THE MAN GO THROUGH!!! LET THE MAN GO THROUGH!!!
BB: Now that is a preview spoiler.
NFL
ED: The NFL owners agree to the NFLPA's CBA proposal so now everything is all peace and harmony and there will be no Replacements II. Keanu Reeves decides to sign up for the remake of North Dallas Forty instead.
ED: There's a rumor flaoting around that NFL tyrant...err, commissioner Paul Tagliabue may retire. Oh man, the football gods are so loving me this offseason.
BB: Yeah – you say that until Al Davis becomes commissioner. Or Bob Costas. Any commissioner’s job will do.
PR: Apparently, any paying gig works for Costas. Poor poor unfunny NewsRadio cameos.
ED: THE RAIDERS CUT KERRY COLLINS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Yeah. Well. I am spent. There's some other stuff that happened in the NFL. But I am too happy to ruin this great week. Phil and Bill will have to carry the rest of the NFL load. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
BB: Oh, like I am going through that load of lists. The Redskins signed four or five guys like they always do. A bunch of running backs traded places. Steve Hutchinson got an offer that was described alternately as gigantic or obscene. Either way Kym Deal would be impressed.
PR: The Giants have apparently decided to sign everyone who has even thought about playing in the secondary. They might also be corning the market on guys with goofy hair in Madden. Does anyone know if Al Harris has requested a trade? And Ed so doesn’t like the stories that talk about the Raiders bringing back Collins at a CAP FRIENDLY NUMBER!
SOCCER
BB: Portsmouth won.
PR: See it’s stories like this that would expose the ruse that would be rerunning an old WTW.
BB: Mick McCarthy got sacked.
PR: Never fear Mick, Pompey will need a new manager soon enough.
BB: Craig Bellamy assaulted a teenage girl at a club. Sadly he did not text Alan Shearer afterwards to taunt him.
BB: Ole Gunnar Solksjaer continued his quest for a FPOTM by getting hurt.
PR: You won’t even write the Jeff Innis one. You will never write one on Solksjaer. (And you can clearly tell that Bill started this section because I would have never put this story in because I knew I would have misspelled Solksjaer.)
BB: Wayne Rooney signs a five book deal.
PR: If he sprains a wrist writing said books, would Sven blame the injury on England not having enough rest time before the World Cup?
BB: Dinamo Moscow signs Alexei Smertin from Chelsea. Probably didn’t try to get Joe Cole on loan again.
PR: The highlight of the week for me was Bill forgetting that the Metrostars new name was Red Bull New York. Poor poor giant crocodile tears. Second highlight is Red Bull just coming out and telling New Jersey “Yeah, we hate your state. But thanks for the Stadium!” Be brave, little INSIDER~!
OTHER
ED: Jimmie Johnson wins the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400. Barry Switzer demands his own chance. Fine. You come up with NASCAR jokes after the usual left turn jokes are spent.
ED: The Toronto Argos sign Lee Woodall and Erik Flowers. Hey, ya know, if the Argos need a proven QB Kerry Collins would work for Molson.