BB: It’s like anorexia
without any of the sweet sweet binging.
NBA
ED: Larry Brown and Stephon
Marbury still hate each other. Not as much as Phil hates the Knicks
though.
BB: Oh, I can assure you Phil
loves the Knicks. PR: Oh so very very much.
Teacher, mother, secret lover.
ED: Oh! Thank god I actually
saved the link Bill sent me. Nuggets G Carmelo Anthony and KISS' Gene
Simmons are getting together to sponsor a driver on the IndyCAR
circuit. Ahh, May-December romances are so cute.
BB: Grrr….
PR: It would be fun to pair
up the other members of KISS randomly. Like Ace Frehley and Jack
McDowell could sponsor someone on the BASSMASTER’s tour. And Peter
Criss and Carl Lewis can own an AFL2 team. Of course, Paul Stanley and
Peter Gammons would have to create their own indie record label. This
would be a lot funnier if I was hip enough to make KISS references.
NHL ED: Ummà Bernie "Boom
Boom" Geoffrion died. I had no idea who he was. Phil claims he invented
the slap shot. Right. Well, there ya go. The final
biscuit in the basket then.
BB: The great thing is that
he died the day that his number was getting retired.
PR: Oh yeah – definitely was
excited to finally watch a Rangers game since I was home and MSG isn’t
blacked out. And the ceremony definitely delayed the game like 45
minutes and I was asleep before the first puck was dropped.
ED: A sewage pipe in the
Nassau Coliseum burst sending sewage all over the Islanders locker
room. Islander players not likely to notice any difference in the smell.
BB: Awww…I feel the need to
defend Long Island but…oh wait. No I don’t.
PR: This isn’t going to
affect the Spring Home Improvement & Remodeling Expo is it? Crap, I
am going to have to make some phone calls. I WANT TO MEET LESLIE
SEGRETE DAMMIT!!!!
AFL ED: Whoo-hooo-hoo, shake it
up just like bad medicine! Five members of the Philadelphia Soul
ARE WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE and may be accused of possibly raping a woman
in Missouri. Wait for it. Wait for it. Yes. They have given love a bad
name.
PR: Aww… did they go out in a
Blaze of Glory?
WEEK EIGHT!!! ED: Grand Rapids donkey
punches Utah, 59-49. Poor little Mormons. I'm certain there
are all sorts of things for Utah fans to pay attention to rather than
the...No. No. I guess there isn't.
PR: See I was going to make a
joke about how Blaze of Glory was some sort of new fangled sex thingy
that the kids are doing these days like a Cleveland Steamer or Dirty
Sanchez. But then I would have walked all over Ed’s donkey punch
reference. I am considerate like that.
ED: Nashville edges
Chicago, 48-47. Aww, that's cute that Rush RB Bob McMillen became
the AFLÆs all-time leading rusher again. I assume he will
have a run of like negative 4 yards again next week and will need
another 3 weeks to become the all-time leading rusher again. And
you just know he will string out the rest of his career going from #1
to #2 like that.
PR: What exact is the AFL
rushing record? First guy to 19?
ED: Arizona drills
Vegas 47-33. Yeah, Arizona suddenly becoming a defensive team is
seriously messing with my head.
PR: Well, they clearly took
the under. Oh that’s right. When teams play in Veags. The gambling
stays in Vegas. Or something… Oof… that was terrible. Thankfully no one
is reading the AFL section. Or the WTW. Or Veteran Presence for that
matter.
ED: San Jose tops
Georgia 56-55. AWESOME!!! Stopping a two-point conversion in
OT!!! Why do I never get any of these decent games on my TV?
PR: Because you live in Ohio.
ED: Columbus whips
Philly, 53-20. HAHAHAHA! Oh, yeah. I will say it,
because it is true. This is the greatest win by any football team
based out of Columbus, Ohio ever.
PR: Ed is having a really
good 2006 sports wise. I fear for his safety.
ED: Tampa Bay handles
New York, 60-44. I cannot wait until the Dragons start trying to
rehash failed New York QB's. The week of Dave Brown will be my
favorite.
PR: I am looking forward to
the Chad Pennington cameo in a couple of weeks.
ED: Austin kicks KC in
the face, 64-37. Nosuh. I can never get enough of KC
football teams getting drilled.
PR: Somewhere along the way
KC traded Aaron Boone for Steve Smith. First though was “How many
bleeping Steve Smith’s play in this league” second thought was “I have
no idea how a Aaron Boone for Steve Smith trade would work”
ED: Dallas
out...uhh...defends Orlando, 87-62. God, I should have paid
attention to this instead of working on the baseball preview.
PR: Clint Dolezel ties his
own AFL record with 11 TDs. Best QB in Texas.
ED: LA and the Elways
are going at it as I finish this up. You can figure how that will
go. I will allow Phil to break the bad news about that game.
PR: LA 60, Colorado 57. There
is something amazing about the recap pimping how the game was won
because of Remy Hamilton’s ability to kick the ball off.
NCAA ED: NCAA TOURNEY!!! WHEE!!!
Is it over yet? Well, I guess it is here in the overrated
Midwest. Hehehe.
BB: Rippa overrun by college
students. Danny Clingenpeel not confirmed alive.
PR: Aww… nor is he my myspace
friend. But I swear if one more person thinks I suddenly have free
tickets I can give them. Stupid state university.
PR: Oh and I have never been
more disappointed in my life over Ed making no mention of Ohio State
losing.
MLB ED: WBC NEWZ!!! Lazy,
unpatriotic Americans! BAH! Cobb wouldn't have lost to a bunch of
Mexicans! Back in MYYYYYYYY DAYàWait. Come back. Please. I am
old and lonely and bitter.
BB: I wonder whether Jooge
tried out for Upper Sam Zimbalozkvia’s team.
PR: Well you know the
Netherlands checked to see where his grandparents were from.
ED: Yankees P Al Leiter
retires. And he wouldn't have gone away from it if it wasn't for
those pesky kids.
BB: Do you think his right
arm is more atrophied than his left at this point?
ED: MLB reaches an agreement
with the North American Sports Network to televise 275 games in Europe.
God I hope they can all the get the joy of Joe Buck too. Oh right.
Europe already hates America. Giving them Joe Buck and Drew Henson in
the same year would be a little much.
BB: Maybe they meant to sign
a deal with NESN.
ED: The Washington Nats win
their lawsuit to keep their name. You know MC Bowdes had Suge and his
posse shakedown the name jumpers.
BB: Awwww…you are killing all
your jokes in the WTW. Why Ed? Why?
ED: Nats P Luis Ayala is done
for the season after shredding his shoulder in the WBC. Oh yeah,
poor-poor Bud's gonna get a shakedown from Suge and the boys.
BB: Do you know how much I
would pay to see this? I would be OK with not having sex and paying to
see this. See, I’m just using my gimmicks from last year. Not this
year’s.
ED: Doc Gooden is arrested
for violating his parole after testing positive for coke. Second best
MLB mug shot ever.
PR: He wanted to ensure his
permanent place on the smoking gun.
PR: Johnny Pesky has his leg
broken when hit by a line drive. If Bob Davidson was umping the game,
ball would have been ruled a home run.
NFL ED: Holy crap!
Why didn't anyone tell me the NFLE started this week? I need to
know when an entire continent hates us again, people. And not for
just the obvious reasons. So I'm guessing all those protests were
a Go Home, Drew Henson dealie and not the usual Bush is an idiot
deal. Of course, how can one tell the difference?
PR: Aww… the entire NFLE is
played in Germany now. And they get out their American hate by
attacking Jürgen Klinsmann.
ED: MORE SAL CAP CUTS!!! The
Eagles cut WR Terrell Owens. The Texans cut DE Gary Walker. The Cowboys
cut WR Keyshawn Johnson. The Dolphins cut QB Gus Frerotte. The Ravens
cut TARGET! Orlando Brown. The Pats cut CB Tyrone Poole.
ED: Well, we didn't cover a
lot of the FA signing's last weeks since Bill was vomiting, Phil was
in-transit and I was too busy making myself into hamburger over the
Kerry Collins release, so, dear friends, here be the NFL FA SIGNING
WHACKINESS!!!
- The Cards sign RB Edgerrin
James. - The Eagles sign DE Darren
Howard, TE Matt Schoebel, WR Jabar Gaffney and QB Jeff Garcia. - The Dolphins sign CB's
Andre Goodman, Renaldo Hill and Will Allen, LB Sedrick Hodge and T L.J.
Shelton. - The Ravens re-sign RB Jamal
Lewis and RB Mike Anderson. - The Redskins sign WHITE!
Adam Archuleta, DE Andre Carter and QB Todd Collins (Stupid headline
c-teases!). - The Rams sign LB Will
Witherspoon and CB Fakhir Brown. - The Browns sign PATRIOTS!!!
Ted Washington and Willie McGinnest. - The Panthers sign DT
Damione Lewis, C Justin Hartwig and S Shaun Williams. - The Bengals sign S Dexter
Jackson. (GRRRR!) - The Saints sign LB Scott
Fujita, QB Drew Brees and RB Michael Bennett. - The 49ers sign WR's Antonio
Bryant and Bryan Gilmore and CB Walt Harris. - The Cowboys sign LB Akin
Ayodele, T Jason Fabini and WR Terrell Owens. - The Lions sign WR Corey
Bradford and QB's? Jon Kitna and Josh McCown. - The Titans sign LB David
Thornton, PATRIOT!!! David Given, BEST CENTER EVER!!! Kevin Mawae and S
Chris Hope. - The Giants sign CB's R.W.
McQuarters and Jason Bell and S's Quentin Harris and Will Demps. - The Packers sign S Marquand
Manuel and DT Ryan Pickett. - The Jags sign OT's Mike
Williams and Stockar McDougle. - The Steelers sign S Ryan
Clark. - The Jets sign "Cripplin'"
Kimo von Oelhoffen. - The Colts sign K Jose
Cortez. (Aww, so much for drafting Colts kickers.) - The Bills sign S Matt Bowen. - The Falcons sign S Lawyer
Milloy. - The Pats sign WR Reche
Caldwell. - The Chiefs sign RB Quentin
Griffin. - The Chargers sign TE Aaron
Shea.
BB: Well, at least Michael
Bennett can outrun a hurricane.
PR: Aww… I was just thinking
how we should have never pimped Scott Fujita. Poor poor derailed career.
ED: TRADES!!! The Vikings
send Daunte Culpepper to the Dolphins for a 2nd round draft pick. (Ooo,
so many boats.) The Redskins trade QB Patrick Ramsey to the Jets for a
6th round pick. (No. I will not steal Bill's joke.)
BB: I don’t even remember
what my joke is.
ED: HOT CHEERLEADER ON
CHEERLEADER ACTION!!! (Oh yeah, I just spiked our hits.) Panthers
cheerleader Victoria Renee Thomas pleads not guilty to those tawdry
charges that made Lenny P shake down his chicken legs.
ED: Randy Moss' attorney is
arrested for crack possession. Well, as long as it's not Randy, I don't
care.
PR: Lavar Arrington’s agent,
Carl Potson, suspended for two years… well for not being very good at
his job. Of course, I always see Carl Potson and think Tom Poston and
then go “Well of course, Lavar didn’t get his $6 million. What the heck
is he doing letting the guy from Newhart represent him? Was Master P
not free?” Then I remember I am a thousand years old.
SOCCER BB: Claudio Reyna gets hurt
again.
PR: This makes me happier
than the Knicks and Nats stories.
BB: Liverpool fans accused of
throwing excrement at Man U players.
PR: As long as it wasn’t
monkey noises. Because you know FIFA is cracking down on that.
BB: Chelsea rumored to have
made ₤50 million bid for Samuel Eto’o. Your board thinks this offer is
unrealistic.
BB: Every Liverpool striker
scores. Even Peter Crouch. Yep. And Fowler. Well, not Cisse. Duh.
PR: This really is my
favorite thing this week.
NASCAR PR: Bill Lester becomes the
first black man to qualify for a NASCAR race in forever.
ED: The Golden Coral 500...is
rained out. Because it's impossible to drive in the rain.
Yep. It is.
PR: Aww… anything to keep the
black man from racing.
PR: Bobby Hamilton Sr.
announces that he has cancer. No truth to the rumor that he caused a 19
car wreck as he was wheeled into chemo.
OTHER PR: Greg Owen chokes away his
PGA win. ESPN really really wanted us to care.
PR: Hasim Rahman may or may
not have beaten James Toney. Poor poor boxing