The Week That Was
3/20/06 - 3/26/06 
ED: BITTER!!!

PR: Okay – we are writing the preview, Bill has fried his computer and work sucks. This will be very very quick and even uglier. Yeah – we so should have just gotten Domi and Slotman to do this. Oh, before I forget. No Week That Was next week. Poor little baseball preview.

NBA
ED: Karl Malone gets his number retired by the Utah Jazz. Number easily lifted to the rafters since there were no rings to weigh it down.

PR: See, Ed comes shooting out of the box with this. Yeah, I so should have just posted this as is. Stupid unfunny self.

ED: Shawn Kemp claims he has lost weight and is looking to make a comeback. Translation: Kemp has been living on no food and needs some scratch for all his baby mama's.

PR: Depending on your point of view – this is either good news or bad news for Bill’s death pool selection.

NHL

ED: The 2007 NHL draft is going to be held in… Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio? Why Columbus? There is no hockey in Colum--Ohhhhh. Right. Well, I wasn't wrong.

PR: I will assume Ed’s work will try just as hard to get him to attend this as they did in trying to get him to attend the MLS soccer game. And yet again, Bill and I will demand that Ed actually go and do a review.

ED: The LA Kings fire head coach Andy Murray and replace him with John Torchetti. No. I have no clue who any of these people are.

ED: The St. Louis Blues are supposedly sold to a group lead by former Utah Jazz and New York Knicks GM and owner of the Real Salt Lake MLS team, Dave Checketts. Yeah, a former Knicks GM is a real savior.

PR: Does this mean Brigham Young knew how to skate? Is there an untapped Mormon prospect stream?

AFL

WEEK NINE!!!
ED:  New York edges KC, 54-48.  Ooo, was this the Glen Foley week for the Dragons?

PR: Can’t have been Foley – NY actually won.

ED:  Arizona whips LA, 58-45.  And just as Phil had written the obituary on Sherdrick Bonner's career.

PR: Aww… you make it seem like I hate him. Of course – he is a million years old now. And I love that the Rattlers 5-4 has given them a 2 game lead in the division.

ED:  Vegas sneaks by Utah, 49-47.  Assumedly, considering the score, this was the Vegas b-teamers if Utah hung with them.

PR: I’m thinking its just a matter of them taking the under.

ED:  Orlando takes Austin, 47-37.  Yeah, this looked like the ugliest AFL game ever.  Twenty-three penalties?  Did the refs need Tommy John surgery afterward?

PR: Jay Gruden bitching because Austin scored on a last second Hail Mary makes me giggle. Oh course it also shows that the craziness didn’t skip a sibling.

ED:  Philly RAPES Dallas, 55-51.  RAPES!  RAPES!  RAPES!  Yeah, they give love a bad name.  Christ, why can't someone just kill Bon Jovi?

PR: Well he was just all over an episode of the West Wing. That should at least put the final nail in his career.

ED:  Nashville handles San Jose, 51-48.  God, what is it about the suckitude of the West this year?

PR: Poor poor SaberCats.

ED:  Columbus MAULS Colorado, 65-21.  HAHAHAHAHA!  Wait!  THIS might be the greatest ever win by any football team based out of Coumbus, Ohio.  Ahh, Bon Jovi and Elway in back-to-back weeks!  The Destroyers are trying to win my heart.

ED:  Chicago tops Grand Rapids, 51-44.  Poor-poor horrible Grand Rapids.

ED:  Georgia slaps around Tampa Bay, 61-51.  Ooo, Chris Jackson is now the best WR in the state of Georgia.  Not that it takes much.

PR: OFFENSIVE SPECIALIST!!!!

NCAA
ED: FINAL FOUR!!! The Final Four is all set with LSU, UCLA, George Mason and Florida set to face off next weekend.  And Phil will be so amazingly hateful this whole entire week.  

PR: More than you could possibly know.

ED: Former Cincinnati basketball coach Bob Huggins is hired by Kansas State. Former Cincinnati interim head coach Andy Kennedy is hired by Ole Miss. Buck up, Cincinnatians. At least you still have the Reds to look forward t--Right. Never mind.

MLB
ED: WBC NEWZ!!! Team Japan wins the whole shootin' match.  Phew!  Boy, that was a close call!  America would have looked stupid if Cuba had ended up winning after we tried to block them all for being terrorist scum!  Phew!

PR: But we kept their money. That’ll teach them. And I still admit that the entire Cuban team not trying to defect during the tournament is other of the bigger disappointments of my life.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Red Sox sign DL Juan Gonzalez - who promptly decides not to report to the Red Sox. The Red Sox send BITTER!!! P Bronson Arroyo and cash to the Reds for GREATEST OUTFIELDER EVER!!! Wily Mo Pena. The White Sox pick up P Matt Thornton from the Mariners for OF Joe Borchard. The Reds pick up C David Ross from the Dodgers for P Bobby Basham.  The Red Sox claim 1B Hee-Seop Choi off of waivers from the Dodgers.  The Diamondbacks release P Felix Heredia.  The Tigers release 1B Carlos Pena.  The A's trade P Juan Cruz to the Diamondbacks for P Brad Halsey.  The Twins release P Darrell May.  The Reds sign ROIDIN' Alex Sanchez.

PR: Read the preview – blah, blah, blah

ED: The Nats finally convince Alfonso Soriano to move the LF. Something tells me that the name Suge Knight was dropped by MC Bowdes.

ED: Yankees C Jorge Posada breaks his nose while playing catch with Kelly Stinnett. Christ, have you seen Posada's nose? I expect an entire ER unit was used to patch that bad boy up.

PR: Aww… if only Ed knew to use the PREVIEW SPOILER! Tag here too.

ED:  Astros 1B Jeff Bagwell goes on the DL with the same ol' bum shoulder and announces he might not ever play again.  Mitch Meluskey chuckles.

PR: Meluskey, Roger Cedeno and Chris Holt for Brad Ausmus, Doug Brocail and Nelson Cruz is still one of the uglier trades you are ever going to see.

ED: Barry Bonds. Steroids. Lather. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

ED: Kansas City is promised the 2010 All Star game if they fix up their stadium. Really. Is the stadium the worst of the KC's problems?

PR: Well maybe Zack Greinke will be back by 2010.

ED: Mariners OF Jeremy Reed breaks his wrist and is out at least 6 weeks. Apparently the ice wouldn't take away THE LUMP! THE LUMP! PREVIEW SPOILER!!!

ED:  Tigers P Kenny Rogers agrees to undergo anger management classes for that little incident last season when he went ape on a camera man.  Oh yeah, Rogers is going to need those anger management classes in Detroit.

NFL
ED: NFL Tyrantàerr, Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announces he will retire in July.  Ahh, such a truly great offseason!  

ED: MORE CUTS!!! The Eagles cut QB Mike McMahon and Andy Hall. The Lions either release QB Joey Harrington or he left, whichever. The Cowboys cut FAT!!! Larry Allen.

ED: MORE NFL FA SIGNING WHACKINESS!!!

- The Texans sign WR Kevin Walter, TE Jeb Putzier, LB Sam Cowart and C Mike Flanagan
- The Bengals sign WR Antonio Chatman
- The Dolphins sign CB Will Allen, TE Justin Peelle and RB Fred Beasley
- The Lions sign G Rex Tucker, LB Paris Lenon, and OT's Barry Stokes and Courtney Van Buren
- The Raiders sign PATRIOTS! Tyrone Poole and CB Duane Starks. I refuse to acknowledge the Aaron Brooks signing, thank you.
- The Vikings sign G Steve Hitchinson, RB Tony Richardson, QB Mike McMahon and S Tank Williams
- The Seahawks sign LB Julian Peterson and OT Tom Ashworth
- The Panthers sign S Kevin McCadam and WR Keyshawn Johnson
- The Bears sign QB Brian Griese
- The Colts sign HALL OF FAME CLUTCH KICKING GOD!!!!! Adam Vinatieri
- The Giants sign WR/KR David Tyree
- The Ravens sign Special Teamer Gary Stills and CB Corey Ivy
- The Packers sign QB Tom Arth
- The Jets sign WR/KR Tim Dwight
- The 49ers sign FAT! Larry Allen
- The Cowboys sign CRAZY DRUNK KICKER Mike Vanderjagt

PR: Aww… I totally missed the Jets signing Tim Dwight. I mean someone had to fill the Wayne Chrebet role. That’s a 100 on the Team Finder for those scoring at home.

ED: TRADES!!! The Browns trade S Chris Crocker to the Falcons for a 4th round pick. The Falcons pick up DE John Abraham from the Jets in a three team deal that gets the Jets the Broncos 1st round pick (29th overall), the Broncos the Falcons 1st round pick (15th overall) and the Falcons a couple of mid round picks from the Broncos.

PR: Only the Jets could trade away their franchise player and end up with the worst end of the deal.

ED: Cowboys WR Terrell Owens cuts a phat dis track on the Eagles, yo.  Of course, only ANTI-COWBOY BIAS! can keep this song from being the biggest hit single ever!

ED: Bears CB/KR Jerry Azumah retires.  No.  I don't care either.

ED: Former Washington LB #56's agent, Carl Poston files suit against the NFLPA for his suspension regarding the handling of former Washington LB #56's contract extension with the Redskins.  Whee!

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Hall of Famer Carl Eller pleads guilty to DUI charges and gets a $1K fine, probation and community service. Packers RB Ahman Green has his domestic abuse charges dismissed. Bengals WR Chris Henry pleads guilty to pot possession charges and gets drug rehab. Dolphins QB Duante Culpepper claims he was just playing craps during the LOVE BOAT dealie and his lawyer is trying to get the lewd charges dropped.

SOCCER
PR: Chelsea is still mean

PR: It rained a lot on Fratton Park.

PR: Germany scored a lot on the US but that’s okay because apparently all Bruce Arena wanted to do was party.

OTHER
ED: Kurt Busch wins the Food City 500.  Wow!  So he's the only one who can run in snow tires?

PR: Jeff Gordon got in a rumble after the race. That was giggle inducing.

ED: The CFL is putting the Ottawa Renegades up for sale.  Can you really put a price on BEAVER FEVER!?!?!?!?!

PR: They really are going to end up being the GoldenPalace.com By-Towners – aren’t they?

ED:  IRL racer Paul Dana dies after a crash.  Look, just because Danica Patrick was putting on her makeup as she was driving doesn't mean that she was the guilty party here.

PR: When I first saw the story, I misread “Dana” and “Danica” (especially because of the Letterman racing part). So I said to myself “Aww… Ed will be happy”. I have no soul.