The Week That Was
ED: AND NOW BEGINS THE
TERRIBLE TWOS!!! Like
they could be any worse.
BB: I have no clue what
Ed is talking about. That being said, VP is turning three and in tribute to our
first two years – we are mailing in a WTW.
PR: Be brave little “Best
of Veteran Presence”
MLB
ED: BASEBALL SEASON HAS
BEGUN!!! Ahhh! More importantly, the Preview is done. WHOOHOOO!
PR: Things learned during
the first week of the season. The state of
ED: Injured already -
Dodgers OF Kenny Lofton (on the DL with a bad calf), Red C Jason LaRue (on the
DL with a bad knee), Rockies P? Byung-Hyun Kim (on the
DL with a bad hammy) and C Yorvit Torrealba (on the DL with a bad shoulder),
Tigers PVC!!! Todd Jones (on the DL with homophobia), Indians P CC Sabathia (on
the DL with a bad belly-welly), Dodgers CANCER! Nomar
Garciaparra (on the DL with a bad rib muscle), D-Rays UTL Luis Ordaz (on the DL
with a bad knee). Dodgers P Eric Gagne (on the DL with elbow problems).
Padres P Shawn Estes (on the DL with a bad elbow)
BB: Wait – wait – Nomar
has rib cancer? Does that even exist? And Eric Gagne’s solution to pain is,
apparently, to just remove the nerve. BYK, on the other hand…his solution to
having a bad hamstring is to sit in a pool of money and failed dreams.
PR: So is that how
ED: Fools and their money
- the Brewers extend the contract of PVC! Derrick Turnbow for
three years. The Giants extend the contract of P Noah Lowry for four
years. The Pirates extend the contract of GM Dave Littlefield through 2008. The
Angels extend the contract of P John Lackey for two years. The Marlins extend
the contract of GM Larry Beinfest through 2010. The Pirates extend the contract
of P Solomon Torres for two years. The
Cubs sign GM Jim Hendry to a two-year contract extension.
BB: The Lackey deal is so
good that it may make up for all the other terrible contracts. Not only do the
Pirates give Dave Littlefield – whose resume consists of I DID NOT SIGN DEREK
BELL – a new contract, they decided that they needed to lock Salomon Torres in
too? What, did they get the rights to his life insurance if he passes during
the deal?
PR: Because clearly the
Cubs problems have nothing to do with Jim Hendry. They are cursed. CURSED!!!
ED: Roster moves - the
Marlins claim P Franklyn German off of waivers from the Tigers and DFA P Nate
Bump. The A's pick up PORN STAR!!! Kaz Tadano from the
Indians for OF Ramon Alvarado.
The Indians trade UTL Brandon Phillips to the Reds for the ol' PTBNL or
cash. The Rangers re-sign DH Erubiel
Durazo.
BB: God knows the Reds
needed an eighth middle infielder. And FRANKLYN GERMAN! APRIL CLOSER!!! Once upon a time, of course. Then again – who is closing for
the Marlins? Bryan Harvey?
PR: Aww... you so want me
to roll out my gimmick don’t you? And let’s be honest – the only better
location for Phillips would have been the Cubs.
ED: Dodgers P Derek Lowe
reveals he has ADD. Which may explain why he can't focus on
just one LA area sports babe.
BB: I cannot even touch
that.
PR: Here is a little
Behind the VP curtain. Ed compiles the WTW as the week progress and he usually
asks me on around Thursday or Friday for any stories he might have missed. (Especially when it comes to the basketball and hockey sections).
This week, I go, “Well Derek Lowe has ADD” and Ed proceeds to write that joke
story unseen. Of course – it trumps anything I could have come up with upon
actually reading the story. And he sends me an IM with what he wrote and I was
like “Well I can’t add to that.” So as per usual – Ed is carrying this site.
ED: ALL THINGS BARRY
BONDS!!! The Barry Bonds reality show debuts on ESPN. Bonds
gets a syringe thrown at him at opening day in
BB: It’s too bad Gammons
hasn’t sat in the stands at any Giants games so far this year or she might’ve
mistook him for a $20 tree. Rippa – have you been able to locate Pedro Gomez in
the credits yet?
PR: Oh man – don’t make
me TIVO the show.
ED: ALL THINGS ANNA!!!
Anna withdraws her divorce petition from Orioles P Kris Benson. Likely after
she realized how much she really doesn't want to sleep with the entire Orioles
roster.
BB: I wonder if Jooge is
happy or sad about this.
PR: See I am sure Anna
would try to sleep with Jay Gibbons. But every time they would try – Jeff
Conine would block him.
ED: Doc Gooden is
sentenced to one year of jail time for violating his parole thanks after
testing positive for cocaine. Barry
Bonds breathes a sigh of relief that someone else's urine is more newsworthy
than his for five minutes.
NBA
ED: RECYCLING IS KIND!!!
[INSERT NAME OF PLAYER WHO NEVER WON A CHAMPIONSHIP - Reggie Miller] gets his
number retired. Number easily lifted to the rafters since there are no rings to
weigh it down.
ED: Charles Barkley,
Dominique Wilkins and Joe Dumars are elected into the Basketball Hall of Fame.
Mmmm, Dominique!
BB: Isiah immediately
offers…wait, I can’t use that joke here. Ugh.
ED: Nuggets G Julius Hodge is shot in the legs
outside a
BB: If only I had tore my
ACL like Nene…
NHL
ED: Holy crap! The
Rangers made the playoffs?!?!?! Only six more signs to come, I guess.
BB: I saw a homeless guy
on a bus today wearing a clearly-six-or-seven-years-old Capital jacket and a
Red Sox t-shirt underneath. I then tried to figure out how someone had
developed a mirror for me to see what I will be like in ten years. It was
creepy.
PR: This sounds like the
worst sequel to an Ashton Kutcher movie ever.
AFL
WEEK ELEVEN!!!
ED:
ED:
PR: Well come on... they were playing
ED:
PR: Well I was home over
the weekend, ESPNEWS had the scroll going and the score came up 42-7 with like
40 seconds in the first half and I remember thinking “Aww... I bet that’s the
national NBC game”
ED: KC upsets LA, 62-45. Yep.
More proof that even
ED:
PR: Sigh...
ED: Philly tops
ED:
ED:
ED:
NCAA
ED: The NCAA hoops season
is FINALLY over!
PR: The Mason celebration
rally/parade thingy on Friday was... unfortunate.
ED:
BB: DON’T RUSH HIM!!!!
ED: TROUBLED TIMES!!! Six
BB: I am working on
Facebooking the entire Duke lacrosse team. More on that in the weeks to come.
NFL
ED: FORWARD PASSINGS!!! Inventor of the shotgun formation, Red Hickey dead at 89. Former GM of the Browns and long-time NFL official, Peter Hadhazy
dead at 62. Former Cardinal Marshall Goldberg dead at
88. Former
Giant and Steeler Jim Clack dead at 58.
ED: Catching up on some
PLAYA MOVEMENT! - Nate Burleson signed with Seattle, Sam Adams signed with the
Bengals, Jamie Winborn signed with Tampa Bay, Eric Warfield signed with New
England, Lenny Walls signed with KC, Matt Turk signed with St. Louis, the
Dolphins signed S Deke Cooper, the Texans trade a fourth round draft pick to
the Bills for WR Eric Moulds, the Bills signed T Aaron Gibson, the Eagles
signed DT Ed Jasper
BB: I wonder how many buffalo wings were in Aaron Gibson’s contract. Big big fella
likes to eat. Deke Cooper also has to be a fake name.
PR: God – how was Gibson
not manly enough to stay on with the Lions.
ED: Victor Green re-signs
with the Jets then retires. Well, retiring as a Jet beats being a real live
player for the Jets.
PR: My Madden does not
approve. Unless of course – he remains in the FA list ranked at like 88..
ED: Packer QB Brett Favre holds a big news
conference to announce...that he doesn't know if he's going to play next season
or not yet. God, if I'm a Packer fan I
punch him in the jimmy already.
BB: I will happily
contribute $20 to that cause.
ED: Former Packer TE Mark
Chmura calls Packers QB Bret Favre selfish for not making up his mind about
retiring yet. No word on if Chmura made those comments while gnashing his teeth
over a replay of Nick's Kid Choice awards.
BB: NOT GUILTY!!!!!!!!!
SHE WANTED IT! Poor poor babysitter.
ED: The Titans tell QB
Steve McNair not to show up at their training site until he reworks his
contract. Titans owner Bud Adams says the ban is just
because he just doesn't want McNair to get hurt. Uh. Huh.
BB: If he didn’t want
McNair to get hurt he wouldn’t let him out of the Bubble, let alone on the
training site.
PR: Umm... it’s Steve
McNair. When is he not hurt?
ED: The NFL decides to
make the late season games more flexible so NBC Sunday Night games won't be
full of the usual turkeys that ESPN was stuck with. Right. That will work out well, I'm sure.
ED: Speaking of
schedules, the NFL RELEASED THEIR SCHEDULE!!!! Ooo, I am reminded that ART SHELL!!!
is the Raiders coach again. Mmm, Art
Shell.
BB: Yeah, but Aaron
Brooks is the QB. Which means Art Shell may be the recipient of a few pass
attempts this year.
PR: I think I predicted
the Raiders would win at least 7 games to Ed. He did not like that. Not at all. Meanwhile – I think I easily had the Giants
going 0-7
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!!
Redskins S Sean Taylor's attorney says that
BB: In all fairness,
McNabb was pretty crippled this year. And he may be able to pass off his hair
as obviously that of a handicapped person.
SOCCER
BB: Wayne Rooney has
accrued 700,000 pounds in gambling debt. Would have been 850,000 if he hadn’t
caught that flush he chased to the river against me. I hate you PartyPoker.
PR: FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!
BB: Brian McBride’s goal
against
BB: Inter
BB: Villa happy to note
that Milan Baros will only leave if his minimum fee release clause of 18
million pounds is met. Rest of world’s teams happy to note Milan Baros should
get comfortable at Aston Villa.
BB: This first line of an
article must be pasted in untouched. “
PR: Are they joining MLS?
OTHER
ED: Phil Mickelson wins
the Masters. And I cannot possibly care
any less.
PR: Ben Crane won the
traditional par-three contest before the Masters. His caddy
for the event - Drew Bledsoe. So yet again, Bledsoe rides someone else's
coattails for a championship.
ED: Well, that's as close
as Bledsoe will ever get to another championship, anyway.
ED: CFL NEWZ!!! To recap
- the
ED: Kasey Kahne wins the
Samsung/Radio Shack 500 and then poses for possibly the gayest picture ever
taken. Oh man, even Mike Piazza laughs
at that.