THE WEEK THAT WAS
(4/10/06 - 4/16/06)
ED: Mmm, hanging Bill out to dry!
 
BB: OK, well, I’m big time now. Next week, all my stuff goes behind the VP Insider curtain, but since our web guy (oh wait – that’s Rippa) couldn’t build the private area yet, you get a final week of writing from FOXSPORTS.COM’S BILL BARNWELL.

FOX: That’s better.

PR: Are there any more depressing words than “Our web guy – Rippa”. Poor poor website.

MLB
ED: Former big league player and manager, Billy Hitchcock dead at 89.
 
PR: Billy Hitchcock played with Early Wynn for the 1946 Washington Senators
  
Early Wynn played with Tommy John for the 1963 Cleveland Indians
  
Tommy John played with Mike Witt for the 1984 California Angels
  
Mike Witt played with Sterling Hitchcock for the 1993 New York Yankees
 
Or
 
Billy Hitchcock played with Matt Batts for the 1948 Boston Red Sox
  
Matt Batts played with Frank Robinson for the 1956 Cincinnati Redlegs
  
Frank Robinson played with Frank Tanana for the 1974 California Angels
  
Frank Tanana played with Sterling Hitchcock for the 1993 New York Yankees
 
Or
 
Billy Hitchcock played with Dave Philley for the 1952 Philadelphia Athletics
  
Dave Philley played with Carl Yastrzemski for the 1962 Boston Red Sox
  
Carl Yastrzemski played with Wade Boggs for the 1982 Boston Red Sox
  
Wade Boggs played with Sterling Hitchcock for the 1995 New York Yankees
 
PR: Yes I procrastinated writing by playing on baseball-reference. Sue me
 
ED: Injured already - Braves 3B Chipper Jones (on the DL with a sprained knee and ankle), D-Rays Center Mark Henrickson (on the DL with a bad shoulder), Rockies P Mike DeJean (on the DL with a bad shoulder), Red Sox P David Riske (on the DL with a bad back), D-Rays DH Aubrey Huff (on the DL with a knee sprain), Rangers 2B Ian Kinsler (on the DL with a dislocated thumb), D-Backs P Terry Mullholland (on the DL with…old), A's P Jay Witasick (on the DL with a sprained ankle), Astros P Brandon Backe (on the DL with a bum elbow), Reds DL Ken Griffey Jr (knee), Dodgers P Yhency Brazoban (out for the season to get Tommy John surgery), Nats P Ryan Drese (on the DL with a bad elbow), Tigers DH Dmitri Young (on the DL with a bad quad), Pirates NICE!!! Sean Casey (on the DL with a bad back), Red Sox P David Wells (on the DL with a knee sprain), Brewers P Rick Helling (on the DL with a bad elbow)
 
FOX: When I was talking with FOXSPORTS.COM’s Rob Dibble, he told me that David Riske does not have the emotional temperament to pitch in high-pressure situations. He also told me that Terry Mulholland has the veteran presence required to lead a young D-Backs team through the dog days of summer to, potentially, a NL Wild Card berth.
 
BB: OK. I already hate myself. Enough of that.
 
ED: Fools and their money - the Red Sox extend CLUTCH! David Ortiz' contract through 2010 and OF Coco Crisp's contract through 2009. The Cubs extend 1B Derrick Lee's contract through 2010.
 
BB: Apparently the Red Sox didn’t bother to read the preview. Or pay attention to history. HEY! FIRST BASEMAN! HE HIS HOME RUNS!!! WHEE!!!!
 
PR: MARK LORETTA ONLY HITS HOME RUNS BECAUSE ORTIZ WAS ON DECK!!!! God, I hate John Kruk.
 
ED: Roster moves - The Nats send down OF Brandon Watson and C Wiki Gonzalez and recall OF Ryan Church and UTL Brendan Harris. The Tigers sign PVC! Matt Mantei. The Mariners cut PROSPECT!!! C Guillermo Quiroz. The D-Backs cut P Felix Heredia. The Astros pick up Joe McEwing from the Royals for the ol' PTBNL. The Yankees DFA C Koyie Hill, call up CLIPPER! Matt Smith and sign NORTHEASTERNER!!! Carlos Pena and P Jesus Colome (Oh, don't think for a second that Phil didn't demand the Pena piece get in).. The Reds call up Quinton McCracken.  The D-Backs call up Mr. Jenny Finch.  The Blue Jays activate AJ Burnett and send down P Brian Tallet.    Brewers OLYMPIAN!!! Ben Sheets comes off the DL.
 
BB: Maybe Ed can ask him about getting a co-op. And Joe McEwing nearly broke the TeamFinder. That’s an amazing move. I was also amazed Quinton McCracken is actually still in organized baseball. You have to presume people are trying to sign Voros and getting confused.
 
PR: Well I guess the Yanks are doing everything in there power to not play Andy Phillips. Ed was also not pleased that Colome adds to the list of guys Ed will see pitch. Oh and I really really love the Nats. Yup.
 
ED: Nats P Felix Rodriguez suspended 3 games and Nats Mgr. Frank Robinson suspended one game for Rodriguez' hitting Mets C Paul LoDuca with a pitch. Don't screw with SCRAP!! Don't you ever screw with SCRAP!
 
BB: Really, “Don’t give SCRAP any crap” would’ve worked just fine here. I will have to pass that on to my new colleagues.
 
PR: Is this going to be a VP T-Shirt? Do any of us have a café express account?
 
ED: Four minor leaguers get 50 game suspensions for violating the drug policy regarding 'roids and other substances. None of these are Josh Hamilton, surprisingly.
 
BB: I can only presume Hamilton and Jeff Allison are somewhere in Western Mass smoking a tree.
 
PR: Josh Hamilton easily strikes me as the type of person who would forget that he has already engaged in a phone conversation with you and would start dialing your number in and then would be like “Oh man – the phone is singing to me.”
 
ED: Speaking of 'roiding - Mariners OF Matt Lawton is back from his 'roid suspension.  Now Lawton gets to explain to Carl Everret what steroids are.
 
ED: The Pirates put OF Jody Gerut on the restricted list for seeking out a knee operation the team does not think is necessary. C'mon, this is Jody Gerut. When is a knee surgery ever not necessary?
 
BB: Well, I know he didn’t get hurt updating his blog. Of course, it doesn’t compare to Milton Bradley’s.
 
PR: Aww… he is playing in the minors… in Pittsburgh… and not getting paid for it. He is more concerned with keeping the lights on in his apartment than paying his internet bill. Maybe he can call Covad or something.
 
ED: Vice President Dick Cheney throws out the first pitch in the Nats home opener. Somehow Nick Johnson is not shot in the face in the process.
 
PR: Especially when you consider the location of RFK. Poor little DC.
 
ED: Michael Keaton blasts the Pirates for not spending enough money on their team before he threw out the first pitch at the Pirates home opener. Right. Michael Keaton. Now, if it were Adam West, I might have listened.
 
PR: I more enjoyed that Keaton threw such a horrible first pitch that he requested to do another one. Aww… he was doing his best Victor Santos impersonation.
 
ED: Yankee PA announcer Bob Sheppard misses his first Yankee home opener in over 50 years after breaking his hip. No word on how Bernie Williams ran into Sheppard to cause the injury.
 
BB: You have to presume if Sheppard saw Bernie Williams running even he would have enough time to get out of the way.
 
PR: You know why Alex Rodriquez was unable to prevent this… Not Clutch.
 
ED: Barry Bonds. Perjury. Steroids. You know the routine.
 
NBA
ED: Rockets C Yao Ming is done for the season with a broken foot.  Well, no the entire seaon, per se, but c'mon.  No way there is going to be a Yao Theory going on here with the Rockets in the playoffs.
 
BB: I never get old reading the Yao Ming-Dikembe Mutombo-Patrick Ewing dinner story. I wonder if Patrick Ewing would eat snakes if they were on a plane.
 
PR: Bill just wrote all of that entirely for my benefit and it was definitely worth it.
 
ED: NBA Commissioner David Stern poops on Seattle, stating that the city is "not interested in having the NBA there." Well, no one else is interested in the league. What's one city?
 
BB: God knows Seattle is busy laughing at Minnesota. WE SMITED YOU! POISON PILLZ BITCHES!
 
PR: By the way – are poison pills tested for under either league’s drug guidelines?
 
ED: Knicks coach Larry Brown is hospitalized after getting an upset stomach during the Knicks game in Cleveland. Oh, yeah. This is all for Phil.
 
BB: I wonder if the tapeworm inside Larry Brown’s stomach is taller than Nate Robinson. Or has a better chance of playing the point.
 
PR: I am sure it could convert a dunk in fewer than 20 tries.
 
ED: Jailblazers F Darius Miles is sent home from Portland's road trip after he changed into his street clothes at halftime of a game against the Clippers. Phil?
 
PR: Apparently he needed to go film The Perfect Score 2. Or he was going to sleep with Erika Christensen. Same thing.
 
NHL
ED:  Kings LW Luc Robitaille retires.  No, I can't pick him out of a police line-up but it was one of the few hockey names I know. 
 
ED: And they're down to the wire with two playoff spots yet to go. Somehow, I know the Rangers can blow their playoff spot just to make Phil hate life even more.
 
BB: I am pretty sure the Rangers have already qualified but, well, that will just make things worse.
 
PR: Well they weren’t afraid to freefall out of first. Stupid hockey.
 
ED: A Federal Judge allows for a former NY Ranger cheerleader to sue the team for sexual harassment. I really have no idea what to say to this. Cheerleaders in hockey? I have no clue.
 
PR: I swear I have never seen a Ranger Cheerleader in my life. Of course, I also had no idea that the Reds had Cheerleaders either until they got them new uniforms. Jesus – is that the only merchandise people in Ohio buy?
 
AFL
WEEK TWELVE!!!
 
ED:  New York sneaks by Columbus, 64-57.  Jeff Hosteler week, Phil?  Richard Todd?
 
PR: Since they won it clearly was not Neil O'Donnell.
 
ED:  Orlando thumps Georgia, 57-41.  Hey!  A fading team in the state of Georgia!  Where have I seen this before?
 
ED:  Philly whomps on Nashville, 49-33.  Grumble.  Friggin' Bon Jovi.  Grumble.
 
PR: So when Jon Bon Jovi is forcing himself upon the lead singer from Sugarland from behind does he start shouting, “WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T GO HOME?”
 
ED:  San Jose manhandles Vegas, 69-59.  Oh, those playoff in the West.  Those are not going to be pretty.
 
ED:  Austin edges Tampa Bay, 60-59.  Oh no.  We could have gotten this game Sunday.  Oh no.  That would've been too kind of the AFL and/or NBC.
 
ED:  Dallas shreds Grand Rapids, 55-25.  God, Grand Rapids is Raider-ugly this year.
 
ED:  Utah stuns LA, 63-61.  BRIGHAM YOUNG SAYS BRING THE BITCHES, LA!!!  BRING THE BITCHES!!!  Oh yeah, I am so trying for Osmand hate mail.
 
PR: Are you a little bit country or a little bit rock ‘n’ roll?
 
ED:  SHERDRICK BONNERMANIA!!!! Arizona whips Chicago, 61-42.  Mmm, Sherdrick Bonner.
 
PR: Still the best QB in Arizona.
 
ED:  The Elways take KC, 55-49.  God I loathe NBC.
 
PR: Aww… that was like the AFC West in the 80s all over again.
 
NCAA
ED: Army women's basketball coach Maggie Dixon dead at 28.
 
PR: I’m sure Coack K is figuring out how to work this into his next Amex commercial. “If you are from West Point, you never know when you will die, so that is why my card is American Express”
 
ED:  OUTRAGE! in Ohio!!!  OUTRAGE!!!  Ohio State alters their football jerseys!  OUTRAGE!!!  Jeez, and I was hoping with all the stink that was raised that they had changed the uni's to something more akin to their prison garb.  BAH!  God, someone needs to nuke this state.
 
PR: Will if the news is to be believed, Iran will be doing it within 72 hours.
 
ED: Alabama football booster Logan Young - a man responsible for an Alabama recruiting scandal in 2002 - dies in his home. But of course, the death was "accidental." Yep. It was.
 
BB: The “we screwed up” story is actually great since it is basically straight out of The Onion. Hey – maybe I can write there. Did you know I am one step removed from Tom Arnold now?
 
PR: Is the only difference that he slept with Roseanne?
 
ED: UCLA K Justin Medlock pleads guilty to misdemeanor DUI charges. A wide right joke here would be far too easy.
 
NFL
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! - the Bills sign WR Peerless Price, the Jets sign LB Brad Kassell, the Seahawks sign S Oliver Celestin and DE Kemp Rasmussen, San Diego picks up WR Rashaun Woods for CB Sammy Davis, the Jets sign C Trey Teague, the Panthers sign LB Keith Adams, the Raiders sign DE Lance Johnstone.
 
BB: Perhaps a little flush with their newfound cap space and a little late to the wide receiver table, they gave Peerless Price a four-year, $10 million contract. Everyone’s familiar with the Price story: developed across from Moulds, had a breakout year when Drew Bledsoe arrived, and was then dealt to the Falcons for a first-round pick. Sean Salisbury wrote at the time, “This deal is a win for Atlanta because Price is a proven commodity � The Falcons are giving up a late-first-round draft choice, which doesn’t guarantee anything. Only if the Bills draft a player who develops into a comparable star will they be able to approach Price’s value � Price could catch 100 balls this season.” Price, who was apparently not a proven commodity, caught 109 passes � in his two years with the Falcons.

The Bills used the pick to draft Willis McGahee, who, regardless of whether he was the right selection for the Bills at the time, has certainly outperformed Price in the last three years. Now, of course, we have the advantage of hindsight when looking at this — but the Bills have the same advantage when looking at the last three years of Price�s career, and they still gave him a $10 million contract. Price is a player who passed through waivers in December after he was cut by the Cowboys; he’s a player who, if this were baseball, would deserve nothing more than a non-roster invitation to training camp. Without any real competition or need to give Price anything more than a one-year contract for the minimum with incentives, Price will earn $3 million this year (according to John Clayton). Now, Price received $2 million from the Cowboys in September after his release by the Falcons; last season, he had six catches in seven games. This, somehow, resulted in his receiving a $1 million raise. If there is any justification for this deal beyond the fact that Price was once an excellent receiver in Buffalo, I would ask that it be brought to my attention, and at the same time, I would like to remind Marv Levy that Andre Reed is still available on the free agent market. He was good once, too.

BB: Oh yeah. I’m a professional.
 
ED: The NFLPA files a grievance against the Titans on behalf of Steve McNair re: the Titans not allowing the Cripple QB to work out with the team.  God, if there wasn't so much irony in the "keeping McNair healthy" bit, this would be every bit as annoying as the Brett Favre issue.
 
BB: You do notice that McNair never actually gets hurt in practice, right? That’s the only time he heals.
 
ED: Bills owner Ralph Wilson hates on like every owner in the NFL younger than him - which, basically, is every owner except for Al Davis - for not caring about anything but money. Golly! Who would ever think that billionaire owners would only be concerned about money?
 
PR: “I’M OLD!!! AND POOR!!! ALL MY OWNER FRIENDS ARE DYING!!! THIS AGREEMENT TASTES LIKE APPLESAUCE!!! IT’S COLD AND THERE ARE WOLVES AFTER ME!!!
 
ED: Dolphins RB Ricky Williams is appealing his drug suspension.  Well, someone is appealing his suspension. Ricky is too busy with a deluxe edition of Dark Side of the Moon to bother.
 
BB: Mmmm…Bob Geldof…*swoon*
 
ED: Matt Leinart fires agent Leigh Steinberg.  A nation turns its weary eyes to Arliss.
 
PR: Aww… did Robert Wuhl write you a check or something, Ed?
 
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Bengals WR Chris Henry will go to trial in May on his fun li'l gun charges. Former Broncos TE Clarence Kay is arrested on domestic violence charges. Redskins S Sean Taylor's assault case gets funnier as the lead prosecutor in the case quits when the defense accuses him of using the trial as a way to further his dj career. Chargers LB Shaun Phillips is arrested for fighting with police.

PR: Have I mentioned yet that I went to college with the now disgraced said prosecutor? AU REPRESENT!!!

SOCCER
BB: Um, Sunderland was relegated, Park Ji-Sung’s car got vandalized by his teammates, Wayne Rooney’s not in debt anymore (HEY! I CAUGHT AN INSIDE STRAIGHT!), Guus Hiddink is the Russian national team coach, Old Trafford was on fire, Ledley King broke his foot, um…help me out here tall fella.

PR: First off – the Kia being vandalized might be the finest story in all the land.

PR: Tony Meola gets his 100th cap with US soccer. May or may not get 593 year extension from Red Bulls because, honestly, who knows what the heck is going on over there.

PR: Umm… Chelsea still not officially the champs but Michael Ballack loves them. Italians manage to go a week without attacking anyone. Boro defender Emanuel Pogatetz’s face exploded so he is done for the year.

OTHER
ED: The Ottawa Renegades were officially killed off and a dispersal draft was held. Hamilton still manages to make me hate them in the process. God I loathe football.

PR: Long may your ride By-Towners.

ED: Hey! The WNBA draft went down. Bill is still writing up the recap.

BB: Yep – VP Insider kids.

ED: NASCAR driver Greg Biffle's girlfriend faces some sort of reprimand for trying to start a cat-fight with Kurt Busch's girlfriend over an accident the two men had in the Samsung/RadioShack 500. (Busch then goes on to get a reckless op charge levied against him later in the week, of course.) OK, really. If NASCAR really wants to market themselves, ENCOURAGING cat fights, not putting them down, is the way to go.  Maybe this and the WNBA piece can be related?  Who can be sure?