The Week That Was 4/17/06 - 4/23/06

 

ED: DRUNK ON TOOLZ!!!

 

PR: Ooof… I have no idea why I decided to contribute this week. It’s like one of those times when I am playing Madden and I am winning by 80 and it’s the 4th quarter and I am frustrated because Tim Carter just dropped another pass over the middle and instead of punting on 4th and 8, I go for it for no apparent reason. So should have punted.

 

MLB

 

ED: THE TWO GREATEST ITEMS IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS!!! MC BOWDES!!! is busted for DUI - and his woman busted for assaulting him. ANNNNNNNND!!! Derek Bell is busted for possession of crack. In the past, we have questioned the benevolence of The Sports Gods, but then Bill got hooked up with FOXSPORTS!!! and gets to hear all of Tim McCarver and Rob Dibble's great stories.  And then we get all this and we are thankful. So very-very-very-very thankful.  Of course Phil and I are convinced that Curt Schilling will now throw back-to-back-to-back-to-back perfect games to punish us.

 

BB: God I wish that these two things were related. But how would it go? Would MC Bowdes ply Derek Bell’s woman with alcohol and a ride in a cheap rented convertible (“Hey, wanna spend some of George Steinbrenner’s money cutie?”) and a saddened Derek Bell would have to turn to crack instead? Is Derek Bell a pimp and sold his girl to MC Bowdes for the night, using the money to buy crack? Did MC Bowdes sell Derek Bell crack and then picked up a girl with his benjaminz? Did Derek Bell know where the tools were? And I guess my final question is, well, isn’t it hard to find a crack dealer when you live on a houseboat?

 

PR: This is so the worst Who Would You Do?

 

http://media3.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/photo/2006/04/18/PH2006041801961.jpg

 

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20060421/capt.tp10104211621.bell_charged_baseball_tp101.jpg

 

Does Who Would You Do? Even still exist? Hot or Not? Is there some sort of Facebook version? The internet is so passing me by?

 

ED: Yankees minor league manager and former big league pitching coach Oscar Acosta and Yankees official Humberto Trejo are killed in a car accident in the Dominican Republic.

 

BB: Don Baylor officially wins argument; Kerry Wood’s scragged arm, once and for all, Acosta’s fault.

 

ED: DL LIST!!! Cubs OF ANGEL PAGAN!!! (hammy), Marlins OF Jeremy Hermeda (hip) and P Carlos Marinez (elbow), Royals P Steve Stemle (elbow), Red DL Ken Griffey Jr (like it even matters at this point), Orioles SCRAP! David Newhan (broken leg), Rockies P Sunny Kim(shin bruise), Mets 2B Anderson Hernandez (back), Rangers 2B Mark Derosa (ankle), O's OF Luis Matos (shoulder), Angels P Bartolo Colon (shoulder), Astros P Trever Miller (elbow), Indians P Matt Miller (elbow), Cubs 1B Derrek Lee (broken wrist), Indians P Rafael Betancourt (back), Blue Jays P AJ Burnett (elbow), Rockies 1B Todd Helton (stomach), Royals OF David Dejesus (hammy), Angels OF Juan Rivera (ribs), Reds P Eric Milton (knee)

 

BB: I wonder if getting attacked by Gremlins is worse in thin air. I also wonder if BYK bruised his opposite shin to show support.

 

PR: Was it some of Clint Barnes deer meat that upset Todd Helton’s tummy?

 

ED: Roster moves - the Twins call up DH Ruben Sierra and send down OF Jason Kubel, the Mets send down OF Victor Diaz and call up P Pedro Feliciano, the Brewers send down OF Corey Hart, the Padres send down OF Termel Sledge and call up P Jon Adkins, the O's call up OF Val Majewski - then ship him back down in favor of Luis Terrero, the Mets activate 2B Kaz Matsui, the Rangers call up PROSPECT!!! Drew Meyer, the D-Backs send back down Mr. Jenny Finch and activate P Brandon Medders, the Giants activate PVC!!! Armando Benitez, the Astros call up Dave Borkowski, the Tigers activate PROVENVETERANHOMOPHOBE! Todd Jones, the Rockies send down P Zach Day and call up P Miguel Asencio, the D-Rays call up P Edwin Jackson, the Dodgers activate CANCER!!! Nomar Garciaparra, the Mariners send down OF Joe Borchard and call up P Clint Nageotte.

 

BB: Nageotte got all of one day in the majors before they sent him down for not throwing strikes. Still hasn’t suffered a worse fate than John Stephens. WBC!!

 

PR: Aww…. Poor poor Waiver Claim bitterness. I enjoyed that when Ed told me about Matsui I thought he said “retired” instead of “recalled” and I was like “Wow – this is truly the finest week in all the land”. Instead, I realized that my contact prescription is nowhere near accurate.

 

ED: The WORLD CHAMPION WHITE SOX!!! tell P Mark Buehrle to stop sliding on the infield tarp during rain delays and then orders C A.J. Pierkneetothegroin and 3B Joe Crede to get haircuts.  There is no time for FUN! when one is a GENIUS!!!  That's right, Kenny.  No time.  VORP ahead, my man.

 

BB: Wait – we can’t work blue, right? Can Kenny?

 

PR: F*ck if I know.

 

ED: Red Sox P David Wells apologizes for stating that Commissioner Bud Selig should resign.  Oh right.  Right behind ya there, Boomer.  Yeah.

 

BB: I would get behind him too but I like the sun more.

 

PR: Aww… you could never tell by looking at photos of you.

 

ED: The Astros are suing the insurance company that covers 1B Jeff Bagwell for breach of contract due to the insurance company refusing to recoup the 'Stros the $15.6 million on Bagwell's contract due to his injury.  Aww, even I know if you knowingly buy a bum car, no matter how much you pay for that car, you're SOL.  Poor li'l 'Stros.  Maybe Roger Clemens can c-tease them some more.

 

ED: Rangers OF Kevin Mench discovers that his foot problems are caused by - yes - not knowing his shoe size.  Ordinarily, this item might be a week-saver.  But not this week.  Oh no.

 

PR: God I love this story because Mench’s is on his ridiculous home run hitting streak now. So apparently, Mench is a woman and wanted to refuse that he had gone up in size.

 

ED: Mets 1B/PH Julio Franco becomes the oldest man to hit a dong.  Mike Piazza plans to - Naw.  That's too easy.

 

BB: Now – I may be drunk right now – but I read that as “oldest man to hit a dog” and I knew that Ed clearly hasn’t seen many old men walk their dogs recently.

 

PR: Well the homer does make Franco a more successful Met first baseman than Piazza.

 

ED: Five more minor leaguers get suspended for juicing up - including D-Backs P Angel Rocha getting a 100 day suspension for a second offense. See, this is why the Giants don't have anybody in the minors! They don't want any juicers in the clubhouse.

 

BB: Well, yeah. But how are the Twins going to exist?

 

ED:  The Red Sox and 1B Doug Mispelling agree to end their dispute over the 2004 WS ball and give said baseball to the Baseball Hall of Fame.  Yes, that was WAYYYYYYYY BACK in 2004.  Sadly, the Red Sox and Doug Mispelling are living in the past less than 99% of the Red Sox Nation.  JERREEEEEEMEEEEEEEEEY SPOKIN! SPOKIIIIIIIYYIIIIYIYIYIYIYIYIYN!

 

BB: You didn’t even have the balls to read that article you poser. I suffered through all 147 awful, awful comparisons. SPIN THE BLACK CIRCLE!!! SHAQUILLE O’NEAL!!!! CAUSE HE’S BLACK! AND...TIPOFFS ARE IN A CIRCLE!!! All I ask is that people do a good job when they steal our gimmicks.

 

PR: Did you ever actually ask that question while at your internship?

 

ED: Barry Bonds. Perjury. Steroids. You know the routine. We don't care either.

 

NBA

ED: Jayson Williams is cleared to undergo another trial on his manslaughter deal.  MC Bowdes plans on representing his homie.

 

BB: I don’t understand how Jayson Williams can even live with himself…after selling his house. Greatest Cribs ever. None compare.

 

PR: Shooting skeet still trumps the mounting the mini horse. NO WAIT!!!! Didn’t Williams get all weepy over one of his cows dying or something? Geez – I haven’t seen that in forever. Why can’t that be released on DVD.

 

ED: THE PLAYOFFS BEGIN!!! TIME TO CRANK UP THE SOUND ON STEPHEN A. SMITH'S MIC!!!!!!!!! ELEVEN!!!! TURN IT TO ELEVEN!!!! IF HE'S TOO LOUD, YOU'RE TOO WHITE!!!!!!!!!!  WHEE!!!!

 

BB: I am going to venture a guess and say many people will find me too white.

 

PR: Amazingly – if comparing the three of us, you are probably the least white.

 

NHL

ED: The playoffs begin! Odds are good I will watch as much of this year's playoffs as we did last year's model.

 

PR: I watched one game, the Rangers made me sad and I realized I didn’t need to worry about this the rest of the way.

 

ED: MANAGEMENT MOVEMENT!!! Pens GM Craig Patrick quits. Montreal fires head coach Pat Quinn. The Kings hire Dean Lombardi as their new President and GM.

 

AFL

WEEK THIRTEEN!!!

 

ED:  COLUMBUS!!! edges Philly, 46-45.  It is now without question that this Destroyers team is beyond a shadow of a doubt THE GREATEST FOOTBALL TEAM EVER TO COME FROM OHIO EVER-EVER-EVER-EVER-EVER!!!!  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

 

ED:  Utah takes Colorado, 52-40.  Ahh, the greatest day ever in the history of the AFL and they were both Friday games when NBC could not present this to us.  Yet again, NBC SUCKS!!!

 

ED:  Dallas tops Georgia, 62-59.  I know we've said that Clint Stoener is the greatest QB in Dallas, and that cannot be denied.  But I've seen a fair share of NFL-E over the past few weeks and I'm thinking Drew Henson is now officially #2.  Take that for what it's worth.

 

PR: Aww… I spent far too long watching Timmy Chang back up Drew Henson. Poor poor Timmy Chang. They hate Hawaiians even in Germany.

 

ED:  Orlando kicks the crap out of Tampa Bay, 52-13.  Whoa.  What's with Tampa's Grand Rapids imitation?

 

PR:  Joe Hamilton got hurt. I cease to care about Orlando.

 

ED:  KC upsets Nashville, 58-52.  Don't get too used to winning there, li'l KC fans.  The Herm Edwards era is about to begin, ya know.

 

PR: They will win under Herm. Just not meaningful games. Or any games that require clock management.

 

ED:  San Jose goes over Austin, 63-59.  Aww, nice way to choke away the game, Wranglers.

 

PR: Matt Grieb threw his 500th TD. That is a whole lotta AFL.

 

ED:  Grand Rapids stuns Arizona, 45-42.  OK.  This is officially upside down world week then.

 

PR: CLUTCH KICKING!!! PUT HIM IN THE HALL OF FAME!!!!

 

ED:  Chicago mauls Vegas, 67-47.  Well, at least the Vegas players won't have to worry about needing to get Arena Bowl tickets in their home stadium.

 

PR: Ed didn’t care about the NY/LA game that was on way too late on Sunday night which I watched far too much of. All I know is that if must have been Kerry Collins week in helming the Dragons as the third string QB they had in fumbled not once but twice in the end zone. Poor poor easy TDs.

 

NCAA

 

ED: Notre Dame HOFer Bob Dove dead at 85.

 

ED: Will the last college basketball player entering the draft, please turn out the lights?

 

BB: Wait – do I still have elgibility?

 

ED: Oklahoma determines that RB Adrian Peterson's car purchase and refund was legit. Ohio State and Columbus-area car dealers scoff at the refund part.

 

ED:  The family of USC RB Reggie Bush moves out of fancy house in an exclusive California neighborhood amid allegations that the house might have been given to the family by a man who attempted to hook Bush up with an agent.  Ohio State fans laugh.  They'd never move a black family to an exclusive neighborhood.  Well, unless the family was going to be servants, of course.

 

ED: Randy Moss gives $100K to the Marshall football scholarship fund *wink* and he and Chad Pennington are to coach the Marshall spring game. Phil and I proceeded to make far too many jokes about Pennington offering bonuses to the offensive line for every play that the QB is not smashed into bits.

 

BB: Hopefully Moss can sneak the weed in past the RA’s door.

 

ED: Penn State women's basketball coach Rene Portland is fined $10K by the school for "hostile" treatment of a perceived lesbian player.  C'mon.  Really.  This might have received more fun from us this week if not for the Bowdes gift.  Why can't the sports world space this out better?

 

ED: Former Kentucky basketball player Chuck James is being sued for damages by a woman who alleges him of raping her.  Kenny Walker chuckles.

 

PR: Was Rex Chapman consulted about this?

 

ED: Duke LAX mess. Will. Never. End.

 

NFL

ED: Former Giant Glenn Parker gets punched by Bo Bice.  I cannot wait until say, Bart Oates gets decked by Clay Aiken.

 

BB: I actually tapped out Jumbo Elliott with a Kimura this weekend. Just thought y’all should know.

 

PR: I am still trying to figure out if Ed actually knew who Clay Aiken was or did he have to use Google.

 

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! - the 49ers sign LB TJ Slaughter, the Chiefs sign CB Chris Johnson, the Chargers sign S Andre Lott, the Giants sign LB Brandon Short, the Cowboys sign S Marcus Coleman, the Jets sign T Anthony Clement, the Dolphins supposedly sign QB Joey Harrington, the Bengals sign QB Anthony Wright, the Panthers sign LB Na'il Diggs, the Bears supposedly sign CB Ricky Manning Jr., the Giants sign LB LaVar Arrington.

 

BB: Ricky Manning waited till his offer sheet’s ink was just about dry before he flew back to California and beat up a nerd (his words) with HIS SHOE. That cannot be a crime.

 

PR: Yes, I am ignoring the LaVar signing. Though… the NY version of an Eastern Motors commercial will be amazing.

 

ED: The 49ers hire former Browns VP Lal Heneghan as their new Executive VP of football operations. Yeah, hiring Browns front office types will always help.

 

BB: MONEYFOOTBALL!!!!

 

ED: The 49ers pick up the Broncos first round pick (22nd overall) for San Fran's 2nd and 3rd round picks.  Ooo, how can the GENIUS! Mike Shanahan poop away this 3rd round pick this year?

 

BB: Surely Vince Young can’t fall that far.

 

ED: Matt Leinart hires Tom Condon as his new agent. Robert Wuhl cries - and is still incredibly unfunny.

 

PR: Ed Agner – the only man who watched Arliss.

 

ED: The NFL assures Buffalo that the Bills won't be hurt by the new CBA and the team will stay in the second most depressing city in the NFL.  Bills players die a little inside every day.

 

PR: IT’S COLD!!! OUR STADIUM IS DRAFTY!!! NIAGRA FALLS IS TOO LOUD!!! THERE ARE WOLVES AFTER US!!!

 

ED: San Diego's mayor tells the Chargers that the city doesn't have the money to build the team a new stadium, probably setting in place the move of the Chargers to LA.  Well, Charger players should be used to a fan base that doesn't care, so a move to LA won't hurt them.

 

ED: Titans-Steve McNair. OK, I didn't really care but Phil explained that this issue, coupled with the Jets idiocy, could cause the Titans to take Vince Young. So I say, go Titans! Fight the good fight!

 

ED: OHHHHHH!!!! To add to the funniness of the McNair situation, Brett Favre poops on the Titans for trying to push McNair out the door.  You know, the Titans are crap because they want to move on and plan for the future instead of allowing an old, broken-down QB to hold them for ransom.  Silly Titans.

 

BB: No one else gets to see this but me but every week, Ed spells this man’s name “Bret Farve” and I have to change it and really I give up. From now on, he’s Bret Farve and if anyone complains, they can go back to the DVDVR board.

 

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Vikings S Willie Offord is busted for DUI. Former Giants DT Keith Hamilton pleads guilty to child abuse charges and gets probation. Former Vikings RB Moe Williams is found guilty of disorderly conduct in the Vikings Love Boat fiasco. Former Steelers, Jags and Panthers G Rich Tylski is accused of child abuse. Chargers LB Steve Foley is arrested for D&D, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and battery of a police officer.

 

BB: Rich Tylski’s profile quietly taken off the NFL Dads’ website. Oops. Keith Hamilton also pulled out some Jack Bauer torture stuff I think which was appreciated, I guess.

 

PR: Stupid Giants.

 

SOCCER

 

BB: Alan Shearer retires. Bret Farve expected to get hint.

 

PR: Aww…. Nope.

 

BB: DaMarcus Beasley arrested for DWI in Eindhoven. Rumor that it occurred during first 45 minutes of a PSV match only slightly exaggerated.

 

BB: Alexi Lalas moves back to LA Galaxy. RED! BULL!!!

 

BB: David Beckham reveals the only card game he plays is…Egyptian Ratscrew? Wait - what? Didn’t I see you pass out at the Sigma Phi Epsilon party last week?

 

PR: Does Egyptian Ratscrew require him to cast Magic Missile? Is this another thing that I am 15 years too old for.

 

BB: Chelsea to play MLS All-Stars in August.

 

BB: Soccernet’s Insider does not complain about Asian people invading the press box or crappy food for the first time in approximately eighteen years, many of which occurring long before Soccernet existed. Does complain about men wearing pink shirts.

 

PR: Did he complain that soccernet hasn’t run the Heather Mitts photos in awhile?

 

PR: D.C. United's Alecko Eskandarian fined for using a can of Red Bull to celebrate scoring a goal against the team formerly known as the Metrostars. Supposedly, handfuls of people enraged. MLS fines Alecko $250. Of course – since this is the MLS, that is probably worth a month’s pay.

 

PR: MISL coach gets a 2 year ban for choking an official. What? He coached for the Baltimore team? How can that be? NOTHING LIKE THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN IN BALTIMORE!!!!

 

OTHER

ED: Kevin Harvick wins the Subway Fresh 500.  Meh.  Like we care about sober driving.

 

PR: DAY TO NIGHT RACING!!!! ARIZONA!!!!

 

ED: Hey! Sweet hate! Danica Patrick is releasing an autobiography! FINALLY! A book that I would hate more than the Braves scouting book!  YES!!!

 

BB: “I was happy I did not die when Paul Dana died. I am happy I am a better driver than he is. Well, was. Have you seen my breasts? They’re fantastic.”

 

PR: Aww… so should have punted this week.