The Week That Was
(4/24/06 - 4/30/06)
ED: Stupid Bill taking the week off to cover the draft for FOX SPORTS!!!  As if he needs an entire weekend to polish Terry Bradshaw's head.

PR: Oof… can I work for Fox Sports? I need moving money. Well and a job… and a house… CURSE YOU JOE BUCK!!! CURSE YOU ROB DIBBLE!!!! CURSE YOU TOM ARNOLD!!! Or wait, you are aren’t employed by Fox Sports either.

MLB
ED:  Steve Howe dead at 48.  How none us had him in the dead pool is astonishing.

PR: How Ed doesn’t read anything I write is not astonishing (http://www.veteranpresence.com/deadpool.html - Pick #41)

ED:  MLB reportedly is FINALLY ready to sell the Nats to real estate magnate Theodore Lerner.  Maybe.  Possibly.  Oh, like anyone knows anything about what MLB is doing with the friggin' Nats sale.

PR: Marion Barry and others enraged because Ted Lerner can’t handle the heat. Expect a Jesse Jackson protest at any moment now.

ED:  Speaking of the nebulous actions of The Commish With the Magnificent hair – MLB announces it will not hold any sort of celebration for when Barry Bonds passes Babe Ruth's home run total.  Well, other than sitting alone in a dark room chatting on-line with small market owners looking to move their teams.

PR: Did Bud get a consensus before making that decision? I am assuming he started thinking about this 4 years ago. Ya know – you can’t rush Bud.

ED:  Oooo, speaking of 'roids – Mets P Yusaku Iriki becomes the MLB player to get a 50 game suspension under the new 'roiding rules.  Whew!  Glad they got the juice heads out of the sport before they could cause a bad influence.

PR: Aww… someone didn’t have any Yakuza connections.

ED:  Legislation is passed to move forward with getting the Mets, Yankees and Twins new stadiums.  Bud Selig runs out of tissues and handcream.

PR: THAT will most assuredly replace the whale in my nightmare.

ED: DL LIST!!!  Angels UTL Maicer Izturis (hammy), Giants P Brian Wilson (bad vibrations), Phillies P Julio Santana (stomach ailment), D-Backs 2B Jorge Cantu (broken foot), Mets P Brian Bannister (gringo), Nats P John Patterson (forearm), Cards LOOGY! Ricardo Rincon (shoulder), A's P Rich Harden (back), Giants 2B Ray Durham (hammy), Royals OF Shane Costa (hammy), Twins DH Ruben Sierra (umm, the grip?), Orioles 2B Brian Roberts (gettin' his groin right), Mariners P Julio Mateo (shoulder)

PR: So Harden’s back finally gave out from carrying the Oakland staff? And yes, I am sad Ed beat me to the Beach Boys joke.

ED: Roster moves!!!  The Mariners ship out PROSPECT!!! Clint Nageotte and call up P Bobby Livinston.  The Reds pick up OF Cody Ross from the Dodgers for the ol' PTBNL and DFA Tony Womack.  The Braves activate 3B Chipper Jones and ship out IF Martin Prado.  The Nats ship out P Billy Traber and call up P Jason Bergmann, claim P Zach Day off of waivers from the Rockies, call up P Mike O'Connor and send down UTL Brendan Harris.  The Mets sign OF Michael Tucker to a minor league deal.  Rangers P R.A. Dickey clears waivers and is sent to the minors.  The Brewers ship out P Mike Adams.  The Royals call up P Runelvys Hernandez.  The White Sox claim P Eduardo Sierra off of waivers from the Rockies.  The D-Rays call up UTL Greg Norton and send down P Jason Childers.  The Giants trade P Tyler Walker to the D-Rays for P Carlos Hines.

PR: Can the Royals afford to have Hernandez dining on the pre-game meal again? I mean they are cutting corners every where, feeding Hernandez can’t be a cheap thing. Maybe the Rangers and Red Sox can figure out someway to have R.A. Dickey practice pitching to Josh Bard. BE BRAVE LITTLE KNUCKLEBALL BATTERY!!!

ED:  Mets announcer Keith Hernandez is reprimanded by the Mets television network for stating that a Padres female massage therapist has no place in the dugout.  Now, one would figure that if Hernandez was making a statement about a Padres female, Mike Piazza would be the target.  Yes, we are stunned.

PR: Yup – too lazy to make the Seinfeld joke.

ED:  Mariners Manager Mike Hargrove thinks C Kenji Johjima is hurt, stating that Johjima's thumb is messed up.  Johjima denies this, stating THE LUMP!  THE LUMP!  THE LUMP!  IS IN HIS HEAD!!!!

PR: I so wanted to somehow make fun of Hargrove but you can never top the POTUS joke.

ED:  A trash fire behind St. Louis' new Busch Stadium causes mass confusion during Thursday's Cards-Nats game.  Likely, Cards fans may have thought there was some sort of cross burning they were missing out on.

PR: If Tony Larussa was the fire chief would he insist that a right handed fireman be followed by a left handed fireman?

ED: Former Ranger Rusty Greer signs a personal services contract with the team.  To steal Bill's joke since he's busy doing Jimmy Johnson's hair - that is sure going to be one hustling trash picker-upper.

ED:  Rockies P Jose Mesa is suspended 4 games for throwing at Giants SS Omar Vizquel.  Giants P Matt Morris and pitching coach Dave Righetti are fined for retaliating.  C'mon, people.  We should all know Jose Mesa's aim by now.  How can anyone accuse him of throwing at someone unless he was like throwing strikes or something?

PR: Well he clearly wasn’t protecting a lead. Oh wait… that’s Arthur Rhodes. My bad.

ED:  WE SCOUR THE MINORS TOO!!!  
-    D-Backs prospect Delmon Young flips a bat into the chest of an umpire in a minor league game and is suspended indefinitely.  
-    Minor League baseball and their umpires reach a labor agreement to bring back the real umpires to get hit by bats.
-    An audit reveals that the Staten Island Yankees owes New York City over a half a million bucks.
-    Blue Jays minor league P Edward Rodriguez is suspended 50 games for testing positive for roids.
-    Former All Star and current manager of the Lancaster JetHawks Brett Butler is hospitalized for chest pains.  As if that wasn't bad enough, to make Phil and I feel that much closer to death, Diamondbacks manager of minor league operations A.J. Hinch is quoted in the news item.

PR: CATCHERS AJ HINCH IS CURRENTLY BETTER THAN: Sandy Alomar (Sr. or Jr. – take your pick), Josh Bard, Jeremy Brown, Chris Widger, Vance Wilson, Jason Kendall,  Rene Rivera, Sal Fasano, Any Molina brother, Humberto Quintero, Eric Munson, A. J. Pierzynski, Michel Hernandez, Todd Greene, Pete Laforest, Josh Paul, Javy Lopez, Mike Piazza, Rod Barajas, John Buck, Todd Pratt, Wiki González

ED: Barry Bonds. Perjury. Steroids. Can't handle the cold.  The supplier of "the clear" pleads guilty.  You know the routine.  We don't care either.  Really-really-really don't care.

NBA
ED:  AWARDS!!!  Suns G Steve Nash wins his second straight league MVP.  (Mmmmm, hot whiteness.)  Mavs Coach Avery Johnson named NBA Coach of the Year. And Grizzlies G Mike Miller wins the NBA Sixth Man Award.

PR: As Ed said when he was putting this together “Why do I get the feeling Stephen A. Smith will be yelling a lot about Nash winning the MVP?” NO ONE UNDERSTANDS BASKETBALL!!!! WHITE GUYS CAN’T PLAY!!! ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE NOT NAMED KOBE OR LEBRON!!!! RACIST AMERICA!!!!

ED:  SUSPENSIONS!!!  Nuggets F Kenyon Martin gets suspended indefinitely by the team for "conduct detrimental to the team" after showing up late from half-time and not showing any concern about the Nuggets playoff loss to the Lakers.  Kings F Ron Artest is suspended one game for fighting with Spurs G Manu Ginobili.

PR: HA! Okay this is my favorite section because I am totally not changing it. I just really really enjoy that Ed cared so little about the NBA that he saw the Nuggets were playing LA and just assumed it was the Lakers. Poor poor Clippers.

ED:  PLAYOFFS!!!  Yes.  Those are on-going.  Much like a Pearl Jam album, no sane person gives a rat’s.

NHL
ED: PLAYOFFS!!!  Well, those are going on too.  Not for the Rangers or DEFENDING CHAMPS! Lightning anymore. But hey, there ya go.

PR: Stupid Rangers.

AFL
ED:  Smash Mouth is playing at Arena Bowl.  Oh, you know the AFL executives confused that fat Smash Mouth lead singer with Fred Durst and thought they got Limp Bizkit.  All things considered, I am certain the AFL is equally happy with Smash Mouth as they'd be with Limp Bizkit.

PR: HEY NOW YOU'RE AN ALL STAR GET YOUR GAME ON, GO PLAY!!!
I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE!!!
HEY NOW YOU'RE A ROCK STAR GET THE SHOW ON GET PAID!!!
THE NOOKIE!!!
AND ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD!!!
SO YOU CAN TAKE THAT COOKIE!!!
ONLY SHOOTING STARS BREAK THE MOLD!!!
AND STICK IT UP YOUR, YEAH!!!

ED:  Deion Sanders buys into the Austin Wranglers.  Awesome!  Now I have a perfectly good reason to despise a third AFL team.  Good show, AFL!

WEEK FOURTEEN!!!
ED:  Dallas tops Arizona, 54-46.  Seriously, when is the Heartattack Coach going to kick Bledsoe to the crub and pick up Clint Dolezel?

ED:  Georgia demolishes Chicago, 55-20.  Poor-poor Michael Bishop.

PR: See the field is only 50 yards. He has no room to throw Hail Marys.

ED:  New York holds off Philly, 65-58.   Oh, there's the Good Sports Gods again!

ED:  Tampa Bay whips KC, 58-42.  Yeah, everytime I see a KC football team loses, I feel a little more alive.

ED:  Columbus takes Austin, 40-33.  Awesome!  Columbus takes all three of the most hated AFL teams in one season?  Yes.  This truly is the GREATEST EVER FOOTBALL TEAM FROM OHIO EVER-EVER-EVER!

ED:  Grand Rapids upsets Nashville, 61-54.  Hold on about getting excited there.  This win gave Colorado the Central title.  Stupid Bad Sports Gods.

ED:  Utah handles Vegas, 63-52.  Oh, I had forgotten Andy Kelly was stuck in Morman country.  Proof positive that even a good QB can't make me give a crap about a team stuck in Hell.

PR: Danny White yet again proving he is the best coach West of the Mississippi not named Art Shell.

ED:  San Jose grabs a playoff spot as they stomp LA, 53-36.  Aww, an AFL team priding itself in its running game is like a Fox show priding itself on its intelligence.

PR: I enjoy how FOX is thinking outside the box to replace James Brown. MICHAEL WILBON!!! HE KINDA LOOKS LIKE HIM!!! AND THEY BOTH LOVE DC!! BRILLIANT!

NFL
ED:  THE NFL DRAFT!!! goes down, and with it all sorts of funniness that I am glad to have missed. Phil is covering this in his own special way.  Bill is already tired of applying gel to Howie Long's hair.  I am merely happy that my beloved Raiders didn't waste a pick on an Ohio State player.

PR: Yeah – I really have to write that don’t I.

ED:  BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING!  BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING!  BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING!  BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING!  BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING! BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING! BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING! BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING! BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING! BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING! BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING!  BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING! BRET FARVE IS NOT RETIRING!  See, last week was Good Sports Gods, this week, we have bad Sports Gods.  

ED:  Dolphins RB Ricky Williams' one-year suspension for his love of the sweet lead is upheld.  The Toronto Argos are now supposedly interested in signing Cheech.  Of course, with Mexico close to legalizing pot, the 4:20 RB is looking to sing with a team closer to Tijuana

PR: God – the Argos are going to sign Ricky Williams and Marcus Vick and all those former By-Towners who didn’t get picked in the dispersal draft will cry crocodile tears.

ED:  Oh!  For those of you considering watching some of those games on the NFL Network – you may want to reconsider.  The announce crew is going to be Chris Collinsworth and Bryant Gumble.  God, that is far too much ugly to consider.

PR: Yeah – when Chris Collinsworth is not the most loathsome person in the booth, you know you have something special cooking.

ED:  And to make your football viewing even more intolerable, Peter King will join NBC's football pregame crew.  Well, until he first mentions giving the Patriots coffee enemas.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! The Seahawks pick up S Mike Green from the Bears for a 6th round draft pick.  The Vikings release the WHIZZINATOR!!!  The Packers sign CB Charles Woodson.  The Bills sign G Tutan Reyes and RB Anthony Thomas.  The Saints sign QB Jamie Martin.  The Jags sign LB Nick Greisen.  The Broncos pick up WR Javon Walker from the Packers for a 2nd round pick.

ED:  The Vikings and Browns unveil new unis.  The Vikings going for the AFL 2 look and the Browns going back to the Red Right 88 look.  Total cost: far too many millions of dollars.  Total wins for both teams in 2006: 10.  WHEE!!!

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Michael Vick settles his lawsuit with the woman who alleges he gave her herpes in the Ron Mexico incident.  And, as Bill mentioned last week, Bears CB Ricky Manning Jr. is arrested for beating up a man with his shoe in a Los Angeles Denny's.

NCAA
ED:  Dave Winfield, Robin Ventura, Bob Horner, Will Clark and Brooks Kieschnick are elected as ex-players in the first class of the College Baseball Hall of Fame.  Stupid age.  Stupid bad Sports Gods.

PR: Initial Baseball Hall of Fame class: Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Walter Johnson, Honus Wagner and Christy Mathewson. This class would not be them.

ED:  ABC football announcer Keith Jackson is retiring.  Aww.  Long may you ride, Keith.  At least I still have the MAGNIFICENT BRENT MUSBURGER TO HORK OFF OHIO STATE FANS!!!  BRENT!!!!

PR: Yup – old announcers who can’t actually stay retired will get strong consideration in the next round of the death pool.

ED:  Reggie Bush.  Free Housing.  Agent.  Etc.

ED:  USC QB Mark Sanchez is arrested for sexual assault.  Aww, a better man than me could resist chuckling about the possibility of this being a Dirty Sanchez deal.

PR: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dirty+sanchez

ED:  The NCAA shoots down Illinois, North Dakota and Indiana University of Pennsylvania's appeals to use their Native American mascots in post-season games.  Right.  Yeah.  You really need to worry a whole lot about those schools and post-season games.

PR: Aww… hockey is all North Dakota has to think about. Well and those unprotected borders. BACK YOU HIDEOUS IMMIGRANTS!!! BACK YOU!!!

ED:  Former UNC coach Matt Doherty is hired as new head basketball coach at SMU.  And I thought UNC fans had him killed.  Who knew?

ED:  Duke LAX mess.  Will.  Never.  End.  Never.  Ever.

SOCCER
PR: Chelsea is champs. But apparently the world is against them. Or something. I don’t know. Jose confuses me sometimes.

PR: Wayne Rooney breaks his leg and may or may not miss the World Cup. England frantically looking for an Englishman to lead the squad and pee on Rooney’s leg.

PR: Portsmouth somehow survives. West Brom and Birmingham join Sunderland in being relegated. And no, I could not get enough of weeping Birmingham children footage.

OTHER
ED:  Hey!  The nominees for the WNBA All Decade team are announced.  Bill will writing up a preview piece for this for FOX SPORTS!!!

PR: Was Reggie Miller named to the squad?

ED:  Thirteen year old Dakoda Dowd competes in an LPGA event to fulfill her dying mother's wishes.  I think Phil's quote about next year taking dying mother's of golf phenoms in the dead pool pretty much says everything you need to know about how evil we are.

ED:  Dale Earnhardt is inducted into the International Motorsports Hall of Fame.  I assume the exhibit will contain no walls to the right of Earnhardt's bust.

PR: We have a winner!

ED:  Aarons 499 is rained out.  God apparently wants no part of that whole Dale Earnhardt tribute deal.

ED:  Former world class sprinter Tim Montgomery is arrested on bank fraud and money-laundering charges.  Apparently, asking a bank teller for the clear or the cream may, indeed, be a dead give away that you are not doing things on the up-and-up.