The Week That Was
5/1/06 - 5/7/06  
ED: We too disapprove of your AVERAGE GRADES, Bill!

PR: Aww… at least he finally graduated… after 19 years. Poor poor Northeastern.

BB: Do I have to update my bio now? Am I ever going to get laid again?

MLB
ED:  Former Giants P Russ Swann dead at 42.  Brian Sabean still rumored to be interested in signing Swann to strengthen the Giants rotation.

BB: Oh yeah. We’re no longer above making jokes about dead people.

ED:  The Nats are now supposedly maybe possibly sold to real estate developer Theodore Lerner.

PR: He isn’t black nor stoned enough for Marion Barry’s tastes. Jim Bowden immediately tries to line up 49 trades before he is shown the door.

ED: DL LIST!!!  A’s P Estaban Loaiza (shoulder), Reds OF Cody Ross (finger), Rangers P Fabio Castro (getting his groin right), Diamondbacks P Russ Ortiz (chronic suck), Dodgers OF Ricky Ledee (getting his groin right), Brewers P Tomo Ohka (rotator cuff), Royals DH Mike Sweeney (back), Angels P Chris Bootcheck (hammy), D-Rays P Dan Miceli (shoulder), O’s C/DH Javy Lopez (back), Nats SS Christian Guzman (now out for the season for shoulder surgery), Giants OF Moises Alou (ankle), Mets P John Maine (finger), Braves P Chuck James (hammy), Astros 2B/OF Chris Burke (shoulder), A’s OF Milton Bradley (knee), Pirates 3B Joe Randa,  Mets P Victor Zambrano (out for the season with a wrecked elbow)

PR: I asked Bill who the Mets fans where going to boo now that Zambrano was gone. He replied “Scott Kazmir”. That Christian Guzman signing moves just a little bit further on the achievements list on Bowden’s resume. (Yes – the joke is that he (Bowden) is so stinky that Guzman’s signing would still be on his list. I figured I would just explain it now instead of having our three readers wonder what the heck I was talking about. Oh nevermind.)

ED: Roster moves!!!  The Red Sox pick up PROVEN VETERAN KNUCKLE BALL CATCHER!!! Doug Mirabelli from San Diego for C Josh Bard, P Cla Meredith and the ol’ PTBNL or cash.  The A’s recall OF Bobby Kielty.  The Indians activate P CC Sabathia from the DL and send down P Brian Slocum.  The White Sox sign Jeff Nelson to a minor league deal.  The Reds release FAST OUT! Tony Womack and call up OF Chris Denorfia.  The Rangers call up P Robinson Tejada.  The O’s call up P’s Kurt Birkins and Julio Manon and send down P’s Jim Brower and Eddy Rodriguez.  The Marlins claim OF Joe Borchard off of waivers from the Mariners and DFA OF Matt Cepicky.  The Angels send down C Jeff Mathis and call up C Mike Napoli.  The Rockies activate 1B Todd Helton from the DL.  The O’s activate OF Luis Matos from the DL.  The D-Rays activate Ugly Glove Aubrey Huff and send down Ugly Face Sean Burroughs.  The Brewers call up KNUCKLEBALLER!!! Jared Fernandez.  The Mets call up P’s Bartolome Fortunato and LIMA TIME!!!  The Braves activate P Horacio Ramirez from the DL. The Dodgers place P Odalis Perez on the bereavement list and call up P Aaron Sele.

PR: Poor poor Aubrey Huff. BACK IN THE BIGS!!! GAME COSTING ERROR!!! PROSPECT!!! So basically the Mariners are the tree branch that slows down your free fall on the way to crashing into playing for the Pirates or Royals. Just want Joe Borchard to be prepared for what is in store.

BB: Because there’s only one person who knows how to catch a knuckleball…

ED: MMM, BAD KARMA!!!!!  There is a dispute emerging over who should get Kirby Puckett’s ashes as his children and fiancée are arguing over who should get the 50 lb. vat of ashes forklifted into their living rooms.  Steve Howe will be remembered at two different memorial services.  One for his loved ones and one for the grief stricken coke dealers in the state of Montana.

BB: Are they part of our readership? Are they our entire readership? I could see them digging us.

ED:  The girlfriend of Nats OF Jose Guillen is robbed outside of a check cashing place in Drama City.  Oh yeah.  Just going to get out of the way and let Bill and Phil take over.

PR: Obviously, Guillen doesn’t believe in direct deposit. “I NO TRUST DIRECT DEPOSIT!!! IT DIDN’T RESPECT ME WHEN PITCHER THREW AT ME!!! IT NO GOT MY BACK!!!

BB: You would imagine the Molina’s would talk about this.

ED:  Devil Rays OF Matt Rico becomes the second person to get the MLB 100 day ‘roiding suspension.  Yes.  See, kids!  This is where ‘roiding gets you.

PR: Well with a name like Matt Rico at least we know what he is going to be doing during the next 100 days. Gay porn. Or a remake of Battle Dome. Or possible Knights and Warriors.

ED:  The Royals reassign hitting coach Andre David and replace him with Mike Barnett.  Poor-poor Pieman.

PR: Part of me is amazed that they haven’t called Darryl Motley yet? “Hey, he lead the team in hitting once. He clearly can’t be doing anything and he has to be cheaper than that George Brett guy”.

ED:  The Oakland A’s build a house for a family displaced by Hurricane Katrina.  Jeremy Brown confused with a union construction worker as he was spotted sitting around eating doughnuts and exposing his carpenter crack.

BB: Yeah. I may be mailing this in but I can’t top that.

ED:  Mariners NON-PVC!!! Eddie Guardado is no longer the team’s closer thanks to suck issues.  As Phil and I discuss far too long about how losing the Mariners closing gig is a kin to losing a job on Fox News’ fact-checking team.

PR: I need to remember this bit of news so in a month when I start scrounging for saves because, ya, that’s the biggest flaw to my fantasy team, I don’t see that he has 4 saves and think “FREE AGENT CLOSER!!!”

ED:  A’s C Jason Kendall is fined and given a four game suspension while Angels P John Lackey receives only a fine for scrapping this week.  Phil is just happy not to have crippled Kendall with his fantasy love yet.

PR: Oh yeah – the Kendall dream died awhile ago.

ED:  Royals fan Chad Carroll auctions off his loyalty on eBay.  Rob & Rany prepare to evaluate the effect of this turn on the Royals win shares.

PR: I’m just convinced that Neyer was mad he didn’t think of the idea first.

ED:  Pete Rose Jr. is sentenced to a month in jail for distributing GBL to his minor league teammates.  And to think his own father took the over on that sentencing.

BB: At least he didn’t give it to the umpires.

ED:  Mariners JUICER! Matt Lawton asks for his release.  But since these are the Mariners, Lawton should expect to get a 5 year contract extension.

PR: Aww… since Lawton already played for the Pirates, his rate of descent into the Royals just increased by an additional exponent.

ED: Barry Bonds. Perjury. Steroids. We don’t care either.  Really-really-really don’t care.

PR: If there is anything that is keeping me from getting HD, it would be the thought of how frightening Bonds head would look.

MINORS!!!
ED:  The Minor League Umpires Union rejects the tentative labor agreement.  Scab umps prepare to be impaled by more bats.

BB: Aww…I can’t wait for the Tomb of the Unknown Minor League Umpire.

PR: The Jacksonville Suns (Dodgers) and Birmingham Barons (White Sox) decided to have themselves a fun little game. Three bench-clearing brawls and Matt Kemp supposedly punching Barons manager Chris Cron in the face. All this ended up with the Barons forfeiting the game. Aww... the minors.

BB: At least Michael Jordan and Terry Francona aren’t involved anymore. And is that a weird combination.

PR: The New Orleans Zephyrs (Nationals) beat the Nashville Sounds (Brewers) in a 24 inning game which tied the Class AAA Pacific Coast League record. Wiki Gonzalez got the game winning hit. Jim Bowden immediately extends his contract and wonders why he ever sent him down in the first place.

BB: I could see Jim Bowden reading an article on Wikipedia in the newspaper and remembering he has Wiki Gonzalez and then calling him up. And then two days later seeing him play and immediately sending him back down. And repeating this cycle for weeks. Ad nauseum.

NBA
ED:  AWARDS!!!  Suns F/C Boris Diaw is named the NBA’s Most Improved Player.  Pistons C Ben Wallace is named Defensive Player of the year.  Utah's Chris Paul, Toronto's Charlie Villanueva, Milwaukee's Andrew Bogut, Utah's Deron Williams and New York's Channing Frye are named to the All-Rookie Team.  Hey!  A Knick won something!

PR: The bigger upset is that Isiah Thomas didn’t trade him during the season. He certainly wanted to but never pulled the trigger.

BB: Isiah was busy either sexually harassing Knicks employees or fetching Larry Brown lunch.

ED:  NBA Commissioner David Stern says that NBA officials miss “at least probably 5 percent” of the calls.  Well that 5% is still better than the 95% of missed calls during the Jordan era.

PR: They certainly miss testicle tugging. Poor poor Chris Kaman. If he didn’t have a hard enough time getting the ladies, he didn’t need his junk getting damaged.

BB: I am not a handsome man but oh am I better looking than Chris Kaman. It’s not even close.

ED:  Charles Barkley reveals in an interview that has likely lost $10 million while gambling over his lifetime.  Wow!  And when you consider he’s probably lost another $50-60 million to McDonalds, it’s no wonder he’s a media whore.

BB: Yup – like I said – no shot.

ED:  The NBA PLAYOFFS!!! are heading into the second round.  God, we need to email Dean and Pieman ask them what it was like 7 zillion years ago when the Clippers last won a playoff series.

PR: They might also be the only people who were alive when the playoffs started.

BB: Poor poor Smush Parker. You are no good. Stephen A. Smith squealing over Damon Jones for hitting one freaking shot was the low point of my weekend. That and standing in the not-Fleet Center at 7:30 AM. Let’s not talk about that.

ED:  POLICE BEAT!!!  Lakers F/C Kwame Brown is under investigation for an alleged sexual assault.  Ralph Sampson is charged with two more counts mail fraud and making false claims in the whole child support fiasco.  Sixers G Allen Iverson is forced to testify in a bar fight case in Washington DC instead of Philly when a federal judge laughs at Iverson not wanting to wake up early.

PR: What exactly was he doing in his frauding of the mail? Pretending to be Hakeem Olajuwon? “You have the wrong Twin Tower! PHI SLAMMA JAMMA!!! I HAVE A DREAM… errr… I AM THE DREAM!!!

NHL
ED: NHL PLAYOFFS are in to round two!!!  Just 7 more months of playoffs to ignore!

PR: Aww… Detroit chocked. That Title Town dream died hard and fast.

BB: THIS ISN’T FAIR TO STEVE YZERMAN!!!

AFL
WEEK FIFTEEN!!!
ED:  Arizona kills Vegas, 75-28.  Sherdrick Bonner!!!

PR: Yup – that’s the good stuff right there.

ED:  Philadelphia tops Dallas, 51-48.  Aww, if only Tony Graziani wasn’t playing for the detestable Soul, I could love him again.

ED:  Columbus edges Tampa Bay, 51-48.  Yeah, truly, this is the greatest football team to ever play in Ohio.

PR: This version would have saved the Browns a whole lotta money. Of course, this version is using a black QB which shows you that the folks in Ohio aren’t paying attention to the AFL.

ED:  New York handles Georgia, 47-35.  Yeah, this clearly wasn’t the Dave Brown week.

PR: New York has 10 wins – Dave Brown didn’t have 10 wins for a long long time. Oof… stupid memories.

ED: Chicago shreds Utah, 84-48.  Poor-poor Mormons.

PR: God, Andy Kelly is never going to stop playing. ORIGINAL RHEIN FIRE!!!

ED: Orlando stomps KC, 63-42.  Always good to see a KC football team lose.

PR: JOE HAMILTON BITCHES!!! RECORD SETTER!!!!

ED: LA whips Nashville, 73-56.  Oh, you just know someone from the West will win it all now.

PR: Just to show that some reads the AFL game recaps “On the ensuing drive, Nashville quarterback Clint Stoerner hung a eephus pitch that Derricks caught up to for the interception and score, 52-34.” Clint Stoerner – officially my favorite QB.

ED:  San Jose takes the Elways, 61-56.  Ahh, sweet-sweet Saber Cats.

PR: The West was terrible but yet again San Jose wins the division. I wonder if they attribute their consistency to SCOUTS!

ED:  Austin mauls Grand Rapids, 57-38.  God, when will this season end?

PR: Aww… Austin finally made the playoffs.

NFL
BB: Talk…about football…too much…hate…

ED:  Dolphins DE Jason Taylor is stabbed in the arm in a road rage incident.  I am saddened that the lead singer from Live did this and is now charged with a hate crime.  HE ALONE LOVES YOU!!!

PR: Ed Kowalczyk almost went to AU. I think that actually helps my degree status for once.

ED: POST DRAFT FUNNINESS!!!  The Rams sign Denzel Washington’s son, John David, as a RB and former UConn basketball player Ed Nelson as a TE.  The Giants sign former George Mason basketball player Jai Lewis as a TE.  Marcus Vick is going to try out for the Dolphins.

PR: Ernie Acorsi basically saying the Giants will decide on what position to play Lewis at depending on how fat he is when camp starts was amusing.

ED:  Tom Brady wants more VETERAN PRESENCE!!!  Apparently, he can’t get enough of me calling him a BUTTERFINGERED FUMBLING WUSSY!!!  FUMBLER!!!  WUSSY!!!

ED:  San Diego’s city council votes to allow the team to seek out new stadium locations within the county.  Please God, do not let them sell the naming rights of a new stadium to a pet store.  

ED:  The Vikings fire personnel director Fran Foley when the team discovers he lied on his resume.  Foley plans on suing the team for unlawful termination.  As Phil said – there’s never an instance when Vikings and a draft situation does not provide hilarity.

ED:  The Lions forfeit two days of their offseason program for something about how they scheduled their offseason activities.  Manly Lions players plan on using the extra two days to grow moustaches and hork off Mike Martz.

PR: THIS TEAM IS NOT STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE MY GENIUS!!!!

ED:  Former Saints and Rams T Kyle Turley is trying out with the Dolphins – as a TE.  Oh you know he’s just hitting the Dolphin camp to score some underage girlies with Ron Mexicocito.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!  The Broncos sign LB Nate Webster.  The 49ers sign S Chad Williams.  The 49ers trade QB Ken Dorsey and a 2007 pick to the Browns for PROVEN BACKUP QB Trent Dilfer.

NCAA
ED:  Sidney Lowe is named head coach of the NC State basketball team.  Yeah.  I just felt my prostate explode.

BB: I would imagine that would be part of the pleasure of growing old. I guess not.

ED:  FUN TROUBLE LIST!!! Oklahoma State basketball coach Eddie Sutton pleads no contest to drunk driving charges.  Ohio U football player Corey Logan is charged with punching a police horse.  UCLA football players John Hale and Jess Ward plead not guilty to assault charges.

ED:  Duke LAX mess.  Will.  Never.  End.  Never.  Ever.

SOCCER
PR: World Cup rosters start to be named. Taylor Twellman is sad. Frankie Hejduk is crippled so thank God Chris Albright was healthy. And Wayne Rooney probably needs to duct tape his leg back together for England to have hope.

BB: Oh I can’t wait till next week. WALCOTT!!!

PR: Alexi Lalas and Carla Overbeck elected to the National Soccer Hall of Fame. No truth to the rumor that Lalas tried to trade Overbeck for the Little sisters and a partial allocation.

BB: That joke is solely for me and I can assure you it made me very happy

PR: SCANDAL!!! Tottenham loses on the final day of the season to miss out on a spot in the Champions League. Why? Because 10 players ate some bad food. SUE EVERYONE!!!

BB: This would have been better if the Yankees had gotten sick at the Boston Ritz-Carlton so everyone could have blamed Manny. Oh that would make me happy.

PR: Meanwhile, Wigan is all hot and bothered because Pascal Chimbonda turned in a transfer request. And he literally turned in a transfer request… while still in uniform… while walking off the pitch.

BB: At least his note thanked the manager. That was polite of him.

PR: I am pretending the Shevchenko injury story does not exist. LALALALALALA… I can’t hear you.

BB: Awww…he only has minor…knee ligament damage.

PR: Steve McClaren is the new England head coach. Reporters race to get their wacky Sven stories in before the World Cup.

BB: I bet Luiz Felipe Scolari is lonely now.

OTHER
ED:  Barbaro wins the KentuckyFriedChickenTacoBellPizzaHut Derby.  Mmm, tacky.

ED:  Dale Earnhardt Jr wins the Crown Royal 400.  Mmm, irony.

ED:  Tiger Woods’ father Earl dies.  Overbearing fathers throughout the world shed a tear then order their children back to practicing.

ED:  Michelle Wie makes the cut at the Asian Tour's SK Telecom Open.  Yes.  The PGA.  A teenage girl made the cut in a PGA event.  Further proof that golf is not a sport.

PR: Aww… you just made David Duval cry. And then he got all dizzy and fell down. You have no soul Ed Agner.

BB: Maybe next week I do better.