The Week That Was
5/8/06
- 5/14/06
ED: The nightmares!
BB: I have a daddy complex.
PR: Screw Verizon and my phone not
working for over a week. Screw Verizon and my internet STILL not
working. Screw the Verizon guy who waited for as long as possible
before showing up and then taking forever. Screw the poor unsuspecting
Verizon woman who I will yell at. Screw my car and its picking the
absolute worst time to break down. Screw my job. Screw this website. Oh
yeah – I am mighty angry today.
MLB
ED: I'll just cut and paste this
from the AP wire - “Former St. Louis Browns outfielder Jim Delsing,
best known as the pinch-runner for midget Eddie Gaedel in one of
baseball's most unusual spectacles, has died. He was 80.” Well, it
beats the obit for Simmons that will likely start with - “Man who had
public cyber with Curt Schilling.”
BB: I just love the idea of
Simmons in the middle of Harvard Square typing up a frenzy looking
around all worried that someone’s going to see him and slowly pulling
his pants down, thinking he can sneak a quick session in. I would start
doing dialogue of Simmons’ enticing Schilling’s Level 23 Paladin but
that’s really Phil’s gimmick and I wouldn’t want to infringe on that.
PR: On my list of people, I am
embarrassed to have actually liked once, Simmons is easily in my Top 5
and at the moment I can’t think of a single person who tops him. Of
course, I am clearly excluding music from this discussion. So full of
shame.
ED: DL LIST!!! Braves P Horacio
Ramirez (hammy), Angels SCRAP!!! Darin Erstad (ankle), Yankees OF Gary
Sheffield (wrist), Cards P Sidney Ponson (elbow), Angels 1B Casey
Kotchman (viral syndrome), White Sox P Jose Contreras (sciatica),
Brewers OLYMPIC HERO! Ben Sheets (shoulder), Cards LOOGY! Ricardo
Rincon (done for the season with elbow surgery), Dodgers OF Jason Repko
(ankle), Yankees OF Hideki Matsui (Glenallen Hill'ed), Phillies OF
Aaron Rowand (Broken Face. Uh-huh), Padres C Rob Bowen (thumb), Dodgers
3B Bill Mueller (knee), A's P Justin Duchscherer (elbow), Padres P
Woody Williams (calf), Marlins P Sergio Mitre (shoulder), Yankees P
Tanyon Sturtze (shoulder), Reds P Kent Mercker (elbow), Nats C Brian
Schneider (hammy), Phillies P Julio Santana (elbow)
BB: If Kent Mercker blows out his
left elbow, does he get put to sleep? And as for Ricardo Rincon, not
only did he get reconstructive surgery on his elbow, he has a torn
rotator cuff AND a torn labrum. All this and he still managed to save
Phil from a Baltimore beatdown. COMPADRES DEL LOOGY!!!
PR: There is nothing more
enjoyable than how quickly Joe Torre turned on Tanyon Sturtze. Of
course, it took Torre being lied to about an injury instead of Sturtze,
you know, actually sucking to BREAK TRUST!!!
ED: Roster moves!!! The Red Sox
send down P Manny Delcarmen and call up P Mike Holtz, the Rangers send
down P Robinson Tejada, DFA P Brian Shouse and call up P Scott Feldman.
The Angels activate OF Juan Rivera from the DL. The Giants activate P
Noah Lowry from the DL and DFA P Jeff Fassero. The Cubs send down OF
Michael Restovich and call up IF Ryan Theriot. The Yankees call up OF's
Melky Cabrera and Kevin Reese and NO HIT STUFF!!! Scott Erickson. The
Angels call up PROSPECT!!! Dallas McPherson. The Braves call up P Chad
Paronto. The Phillies call up PROSPECT!!! Cole Hamels. The Cards sign P
Will Cunnane to a minor league deal. The Dodgers call up OF Willy
Aybar. The Tigers send down P Jordan Tata and call up P Roman Colon.
The White Sox call up then send back down KNUCKLEBALLER!!! Charlie
Haeger. The Blue Jays call up P Jason Frasor and send down P Dustin
McGowan. The Reds activate OF Ken Griffey Jr from the DL and send down
OF Chris Denorfia. The Giants activate 2B Ray Durham from the DL and
send down 2B Kevin Frandsen. The Padres pick up IF Vince Sinisi and P
John Hudgins from the Rangers for OF Freddy Guzman and P Cesar Rojas.
The A's activate OF Milton Bradley and P Rich Harden from the DL and
call up PROSPECT!!! Jeremy Brown. The Astros activate P Trever Miller
from the DL. The Indians DFA PVC!!! Danny Graves. The Brewers pick up P
Brian Shouse from the Rangers for IF Enrique Cruz and the ol'
PTBNL. The Indians trade P Steve Karsay to the A's for cash
(likely, his unpaid bar bill).
BB: So, for one game, the Yankees
had an outfielder whose limp wrist looked like a girl’s, an outfielder
who threw like a girl, and an outfielder who tracked and caught fly
balls like a girl. And maybe Bernie Williams plays guitar like a girl.
I also don’t know how the White Sox called up a knuckleball pitcher
without trading for Doug Mirabelli; don’t they understand how these
things work? I don’t even have the words for the Jeremy Brown callup; I
just hope that Tabitha got advance warning and was able to Scotchgard
as much of the house as possible before Michael Lewis got the news. Of
course, Steve Stanley might be their maid at this point.
PR: Do you think Tabitha had an
idea of Michael Lewis’ fetish before they got together? Of course,
Tabitha could force Lewis to dress up as like the bassist from Tora
Tora so it all cancels out.
ED: Rick Sutcliffe goes on the air
at a Padres game drunk. Meanwhile Nats GM Jim Bowden pleads not guilty
to DUI charges. God, those must have been some tremendous Baseball
Tonight parties.
PR: Why? Does Kruk drop his
removed testicle into various people’s drinks and then it becomes a
contest sort of like “Who will drink the worm”? And, one would assume
that Buster Olney doesn’t get invited to the Baseball Tonight parties?
ED: The fiancée of Kirby
Puckett says that Kirby wanted his ashes spread over an inner-city
baseball field. Oh, come on! Even I know they don't make inner city
baseball fields that big.
BB: In much the same vein Khalid
El-Amin must move from Greece to Russia next year to find a country big
enough for his remains…
PR: It seems like when Oliver
Miller finally passes, NASA will have to use his remains to attempt to
terra-form Mars.
ED: Devil Rays PROSPECT!!! Delmon
Young gets a 50 game suspension for flipping a bat into the chest of a
minor league umpire. Well, anything to keep from being a D-Ray, I guess.
PR: Did we already use the “Well
he became the first D-Ray to hit something” joke? If not, I lay claim
to it. Of course, it’s not like it would be any sorts of funny.
ED: A's C Jason Kendall calls MLB
“a badminton league” after being told his four game suspension for
fighting with Angels P John Lackey would not get cut down. Well, Jason,
just because YOU have been playing baseball like it was badminton does
not a whole league make.
BB: No – he’s been playing
baseball like it was slow-pitch softball. Over the fence’s an out,
right?
PR: Aww… you are implying that
Kendall is 100 lbs overweight, smokes two packs a day and wears giant
knee braces on both his knees.
ED: The Angels are being sued by a
California man who did not receive a promotional tote bag on Mother's
Day 2005. This has to involve a Molina brother conversation.
PR: Most likely, the Molinas would
start making your-momma jokes to each other. And it would a good 5
minutes before they realized they had the same mother. They would each
say “Soy tan estúpido” at the same time and then they would
start making fun of Gustavo.
ED: Barry Bonds. Steroids.
Perjury. 714. Pedro Gomez-a-go-go. Nope. No
one's tired of that at all.
NBA
ED: LAYING THE SMACK DOWN!!! Mavs
owner Mark Cuban gets a $200K fine for pooping on the refs. Nets F
Cliff Robinson suspended 5 games for violating the league's substance
abuse policy.
BB: If you can get in trouble for
stuff you wrote on your blog…
PR: Daniel Negreanu is going to be
in trouble.
ED: AWARDS!!! Hornets G Chris Paul
named Rookie of the Year. Magic G Grant Hill wins the Magic Johnson
award - likely to make him very popular with the ladies.
BB: Grant Hill’s body is probably
weaker than Magic Johnson’s at this point, all things considered. Of
course, he wouldn’t be worried about getting sports hernia surgery if
he went to the MAGIC GERMAN HERNIA DOCTOR!!!!
PR: Hill would blow out his ACL
trying to walk onto the plane. And then how would he avoid the SNAKES
ON THE PLANE!!! FEAR ME!!! I AM RELEVANT!!!!
ED: The Kings fire head coach Rick
Adelman. Obviously, this too is Ron Artest's fault.
PR: Yes, Ed was clearly happy that
Artest’s name was mentioned in the article so he didn’t have to think
of a joke.
ED: THE NBA PLAYOFFS!!! are still
going on. Whee! Spin the black circle!
NHL
ED: Some managerial movement -
Toronto hires Paul Maurice as their new head coach. Pierre Lacroix
resigns as Colorado's GM.
PR: Is Mike Shanahan going to take
over? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE GENIUS IN THE ROCKIES!!!!
ED: NHL PLAYOFFS are also still
ongoing. Like I've noticed.
BB: OUTDOOR! LIFE! NETWORK! You
can sing it to the tune of the Misfits in Action theme. It’s great.
PR: Geez, how did WCW ever go out
of business?
AFL
WEEK SIXTEEN!!!
ED: Austin smokes Orlando, 67-43.
Poor-poor Joe Hamilton.
ED: Dallas destroys New York,
82-38. Oh yeah, like you couldn't envision this being a Mavs-Kicks
score.
PR: THIS was clearly the Dave
Brown week.
ED: Colorado whomps on Arizona,
59-35. Damien Harrell trying to be the third best WR in the state of
Colorado is cute. Genius does not approve.
ED: Utah edges KC, 55-54. LAST
SECOND FIELD GOAL!!! PLAYOFFS!!!! AT 7-9!!! God, Utah
is so going to get smoked.
ED: Chicago kills Grand Rapids,
70-47. Look on the bright side, Grand Rapids! At least
y'all's first in line for Marcus Vick!
PR: Aww… make it Joey Galloway.
ED: Philly handles Georgia ,
57-41. Great, just what we all wanted! Friggin' Bon Jovi in
the playoffs.
PR: WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T GO
HOME?!?!?!?!?!
ED: Nashville slaps around Tampa
Bay, 66-50, and gets a home playoff game next week. Oh you know
that will somehow injure Steve McNair.
ED: LA outdulls Vegas,
44-27. Mmm, teams playing for nothing.
PR: RUNNING GAME!!!!
ED: San Jose whips Columbus,
68-47. Ehh. Like I care that Columbus didn't make the
playoffs. The important thing is that they beat Bon Jovi and
Elway.
PR: Do you think if I put enough
capitals in people will actually pay attention to this section?
NFL
ED: Jaguars WR Jimmy Smith
retires. Aww, now I can finally quit confusing him with Steve Smith.
Odds are still good I will still try to draft Jimmy Smith thinking he
is Steve, though.
BB: At least you don’t try and
draft Kirk McCaskill anymore. Those days were just embarrassing.
PR: Like Ed wouldn’t draft Steve
Smith in a NBA fantasy league thinking he was getting the football
player.
ED: Texans GM Charley Casserly
resigns - reportedly to take a front management gig with the NFL. HAH.
Perfect.
PR: Highlight was Ed misreading
what I IMed and thinking I said Casserly was replacing Art Shell as
Raiders head coach. Poor poor old Ohio heart.
ED: Former Steelers RB Bam Morris
wants to make a comeback with the Steelers. On the bright side, he
should at least be in better shape than Jerome Bettis had ever been.
BB: It must really suck to be a
bowling aficionado and have to sit through the Jerome Bettis Hall of
Fame ceremony. HE’S BRINGING PEOPLE INTO THE SPORT!!! LIKE PETE WEBER
4:20!!!!
PR: Was Jerome Bettis ever the MVP
of a third tier indoor football league? NO!!!! WHERE IS BAM MORRIS’
HALL OF FAME SELECTION???? ANSWER ME!!!!!
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! The Dolphins
sign WR Frank Murphy. The Texans sign RB Antowain Smith. The Redskins
sign undrafted FA Mike Espy - son of Agriculture Secretary Michael
Espy. The Saints send LB Courtney Watson to the Dolphins for LB Eddie
Moore. The Lions trade QB Joey Harrington to the Dolphins for a
conditional draft pick. The Chiefs sign T Ian Allen.
BB: Well, the Saints unsend
Courtney Watson to the Dolphins for Eddie Moore when Eddie Moore fails
his physical. I think that means he doesn’t know how to swim.
PR: Are the Redskins expecting to
convert Espy to groundskeeper? Are we just going to start listing the
occupations of all Dads of rookies in the NFL? Steve’s dad hauls
lumber. Michael’s dad is a guidance counselor. Mark’s dad was killed in
a drive-by and the pressure of raising a family and having enough cash,
drove his mother to a life of crack.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Browns RB
Reuben Droughns is acquitted of DUI charges. Former Raiders K Cole Ford
pleads guilty to shooting at Siegfried & Roy's house. Titans DT
Albert Haynesworth arrested for road rage.
BB: I am all for a Albert
Haynesworth-Leonard Little bumper car death match.
PR: To be fair – Little would have
to be drunk before the match started.
NCAA
ED: Texas A&M football star
John Kimbrough dead at 87.
PR: USC starting point guard Ryan
Francis shot and killed while waiting at a traffic light.
ED: Texas A&M and the Seattle
Seahawks settle their little lawsuit over who gets to use the phrase
“12th Man.” The settlement includes no one actually giving a rat's.
ED: Jerry Rice, John Friesz and
college football's winningest coach, John Gagliardi, are elected into
the college football hall of fame on the small school ballot. One of
these things is not like the other…
PR: Aww.. you will have to prove
it by writing the John Friesz FPOTM.
ED: HOOP COACHES STUFF!!! Central
Michigan's basketball coach, Jay Smith, resigns. Colorado's basketball
Ricardo Patton is under investigation for possible sexual harassment.
BB: So are they just going to
scold Patton for not slipping the girl a roofie before sexually
harassing her? Or is it for not doing it in a pack of six? Listening a
little bit when she said no? Which is it Colorado?
PR: Well, can’t they just ask Gary
Barnett? Oh right… he isn’t there anymore.
ED: Texas RB Ramonce Taylor
is busted with pot in his car. Aww, it's so cute when teams win
the national title then get like everyone arrested.
BB: Now I can assure you that
almost every college athlete smokes a little pot. Not everyone carries
around five pounds of it, though. That’s a little much. I mean, can you
even fit that much in your Jansport? At what point do you leave the
school-issued planner out? What about your five-star notebook? The
notes from Beano Cook? Where does it end Ramonce? Where?
PR: It’s cute that Bill thinks
Ramonce Taylor even know what a planner is
ED: Duke LAX mess. Will. Never.
End. Never. Ever.
PR: It's not Mary who was quite -
contrary
Talkin bout Mary who was always in
a - hurry
The things she needed were
necessary
She did not need, a busted cherry
True and blue just like a blueberry
Ask if she's crazy and I'll say
very
Livin in a house that's out on the
prairie
I worry about Mary cause Mary is
scary!
SOCCER
BB: England names their World Cup
squad and includes 17-year-old THEO WALCOTT!!!!!, yet to appear for
Arsenal after costing them 7 million pounds. Arsene Wenger notes that
he couldn’t risk letting Walcott play in the Champions League or
Premiership because they were desperate and really needed the points.
Apparently, Sven doesn’t really want the points.
PR: Nor did he really want to
watch game footage.
BB: Mexico names 36 year old
defender Claudio Suarez as a member of their World Cup squad.
PR: Aww… is that how you say Jeff
Agoos in Spanish?
BB: Liverpool beat West Ham in FA
Cup Final on penalties. Liverpool now with more shootout victories than
the rest of England combined. Harry Kewell injures himself walking out
onto the pitch for the second half solely to make me happy.
PR: Italian soccer is corrupt???
No way! Next thing you will be trying to tell me is that Serie A
players like to take dives.
PR: I am pretending the Shevchenko
to Chelsea story does not exist. LALALALALALA… I can’t hear you.
OTHER
ED: Former heavyweight boxing
champion Floyd Patterson dead at 71.
BB: And yet somehow George Foreman
still alive. If only Floyd Patterson had a blender…
PR: And a brain that would
actually remember facts… and a prostate that wasn’t cancer ridden.
ED: Former Vikings WHIZZINATOR!!!
Onterrio Smith signs with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Aww, and if Ricky
Williams goes to the CFL too, this will be the most fantabulous league
ever.
PR: The people in Ottawa clearly
didn’t think so.
ED: INNOCENT!!! OJ Simpson
pretends to sell a white Ford Bronco for the TV show “Juiced” causing a
lot of uptight people to be up in arms. C'mon, he pretended to be not
guilty for Court TV for over a year, how is this any worse?
PR: Did Pedro Guerrero not get a
phone call? Even if he was in jail, can’t he get like a call a day?
Brother needs to get paid.
ED: Dale Jarrett is penalized 25
Nextel Cup points, the owner of his race car, Richard Yates, penalized
25 owner championship points and Jarrett crew chief, Richard Labbe, is
fined $25K and suspended for four races for some sort of something I
don't understand.
BB: What, did he turn right or
something?
PR: I guess Jarrett failed to
deliver his packages in a timely manner. Poor poor little brown truck.
ED: The Dodge Charger 500 happened
probably. I really don't want to mess with NASCAR this
week. So I'm just going to report that Dick Trickle won.
PR: Ed disrespects Greg Biffle
because his name isn’t funny and because he isn’t old.