The Week That
Was
ED: COLTER FRIGGIN' BEAN!!!!!
BB: Mmmm…mid-AB pitching changes. NO TRUST!
PR: Aww… and all John Miller could talk about was how tall and
fat he was.
MLB
ED: Former Twins
OF Jim Lemon dead at 78.
PR: Is Thomas
Boswell going to blame his death on the Nats not having
an owner forever? Yeah… no one is going to know what I am talking about here.
BB: Well SOMEONE
would but you didn’t see him tomorrow.
ED: The Nats sale to Ted Lerner is unanimously approved by
MLB. See, this wouldn't happen if
baseball had a salary ca--
Oh, right. That joke's
been done to death.
PR: Now that
that is done, local sports radio will have to go back to talking about how the
Redskins will win the Super Bowl.
ED: DL LIST!!!
O's P Daniel Cabrera (shoulder), Braves P Kyle Davies (getting' his groin
right), Blue Jays P Gustavo Chacin (elbow), Brewers
SS JJ Hardy (ankle), Yankees SCRAP!!! Bubba Crosby (hammy), Rangers P Antonio Alfonseca (elbow), Red Sox P Mike Holtz (elbow)
PR: It’s going
to take a while for Davies to get his groin right. Poor
little not being able to sex it up for awhile. Aww… poor Alfonseca.
If only he had an extra elbow.
BB: Are you
implying Alfonseca would sacrifice Davies over to
second? Will that make it through the filter?
ED: Roster
moves!!! The Marlins send down P Jason Vargas and call up P Renyel
Pinto. The Cardinals sign C? Josh Phelps to a minor league
deal. The Indians activate P Rafael Betancourt from the DL and send down
P Jeremy Guthrie. The Brewers claim P Chris Mabeus
off of waivers from
PR: Ooooo…. The Cardinals signing Josh Phelps is good because
if there is one team Phelps is actually going to play catcher on, it is a
LaRussa managed club. And all future previews moron the loss of the “Which Alex
Gonzalez?” jokes.
BB: I can assure
you – having an Alex Gonzalez shortstop your team every day – delineating them
by assigning one to be the suckier Alex Gonzalez is
no clarification whatsoever. I’m also pretty sure Eric Milton qualifies as a
rocket at this point.
ED: Braves 1B
Adam LaRoche is crappy because he has ADD. God, if there's
one person on that team that I pegged for having ADD it was not LaRoche.
PR: No one wants
to give Nick Johnson credit for HUSTLE~!
BB: I am just
amazed I saw him sacrifice a guy over and get tagged out this weekend without:
-
having
the pitched ball hit his hand
-
having
the pitched ball hit his wrist
-
having
the ball deflect off the bat into his face
o
in
his defense the mustache may have prevented injury, that can be the only
explanation for its existence
-
tripping
as he ran out of the batter’s box and dislocating his wrist while trying to
break his fall
o
alternately,
having the fall shatter his batting helmet into little fragments, one of which
falling into his eye and ruining his vision
-
straining
a hammy, quad, thigh, or groin muscle trying to elude the tag
-
suffering
internal bleeding from the liver shot that was the tag
-
tripping
over first base and spontaneously combusting
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Albert Belle is arrested again for stalking his ex-girlfriend. Tigers
DH Dmitri Young is arrested for domestic violence. There's probably a connection here that my
cube neighbor would make, but I'll move on.
PR: They hate
the white man? They like big breasted blondes?? They had Daddy issues???
ED: Barry Bonds.
Steroids. Perjury. Ties Babe Ruth. Make it stop.
Please!
BB: Don’t you
wish there was a “Bellhorn on Bellhorn”?
I know I do. Of course – maybe I wish there was a Bellhorn
on Barnwell.
ED: Astros P Russ
Springer suspended 4 games and Astros Manager Phil
Garner 1 game for Springer's beaning of Barry Bonds
in an Astros-Giants game this week. Aww, like Bonds was
hitting anything to make that worthwhile anyway.
PR: Well it’s kinda hard to avoid his ginormous
head.
ED: Chicago C's Michael Barrett and AJ Pierkneetothegroin duke it out in Saturday's Cubs-White Sox
game after Piekneetothegroin plows over Barrett in a
play at that plate. And to think Barrett
was upset about that given the other things Pierkneetothegroin
could have done to him.
PR: Well it’s kinda hard to avoid his ginormous
head too.
ED: Former Oriole, Blue Jay, Indian, Cardinal,
etc. P Nerio Rodriguez suspended 50 games for 'roiding. Obviously,
the next stop for Nerio will be the
BB: Is he going
to impregnate Ryan Anderson or something?
NBA
ED: The Knicks reportedly want to buy out the contract of head
coach Larry Brown. Brown reportedly does not want the buy out. Phil drifts back
on fond memories of John Starks to get him through the Isiah
mess.
PR: Oh God no –
I never want this fiasco to end. I mean I am getting by on the thought that one
day the New York Post is going to have an giant photo of James Dolan and Isiah Thomas in bed together.
ED: THE NBA
PLAYOFFS!!! are finally winding down. Not that I, in any way, want to see THE
GREATEST PLAYOFFS IN THE HISTORY OF PEOPLE PLYING OFF EVER END!!! But, indeed, the NBA Finals are only like 3
months away now.
BB: I don’t
really know what plying off is but these playoffs have been pretty great. Of
course – it’s not like I could even watch the hockey playoffs if I wanted to.
And the Heat-Pistons Game 1 killed all the goodwill I’d built up over the first
two rounds and I am back to hating basketball. Yep.
NHL
ED: The NHL
PLAYOFFS are close to reaching the finals too.
I couldn't name one player on any of the remaining playoff teams but,
hey, THE NHL IS NOW CURED OF ALL THEIR POST-STRIKE ILLS!!! At least, that's what I'm told.
AFL
PLAYOFFS!!!
ED:
ED:
ED: Philly mauls
ED:
NFL
ED: Former
Bengal TE Dan Ross dead at 49. Yeah,
that coupled with the woman who thought I was at Bank of America really is
making me rethink my living habits.
PR: True
conversation (that I totally forgot to save). Bill mocked me for not realizing
Ross went to Northeastern. Of course, I totally spaced on that part of the
story. So Bill started shouting “RECORD HOLDER!!!” or “NO PLAYOFF SEX!!!”. The details are foggy. All I know is that I did respond
that “How hard is it to hold a Northeastern sports record? Really?”
BB: I think I
was shouting “FOX SPORTS!!!” but I could be wrong.
ED: Doug Flutie retires. Aww, poor-poor lack of VETERAN PRESENCE!!! for Tom Butterfingers.
PR: Long may you
ride USFL.
BB: Come on. I
am going to write fan mail to Matt Cassel and see if
I can get a response. “What kind of clipboard do you
like the most? Gatorade flavor?” There could be a
whole backup QB Tiger Beat magazine with profiles and pictures of them in film
study and everything.
ED: The Dolphins are going to let RB Ricky
Williams play for the Toronto Argos this season if the
PR:
ED: Former
Packer Jerry Kramer gets his stolen Super Bowl I ring returned to him. No word
on if this ring was indeed swallowed by Chris Berman as is suspected. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Wrong sort of ring for the
wrong Packer. My
bad.
ED: PLAYA
MOVEMENT! The Bengals waive QB? Craig
Kernzel and TE? Ryan Hamby. The Dolphins sign
QB? Marcus Vick. The Ravens sign LB Tim Johnson. The Broncos sign CB Willie Middlebrooks. The Chiefs release S Jerome Woods. The Eagles
trade WR Billy McMullen to
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Dolphins DT Keith Traylor arrested for DUI. Seahawks OT Wayne Hunter
arrested for assault - then is cut by the Seahawks. Vikings CB Fred Smoot and T
Bryant McKinnie get trial dates set for their LOVE
BOAT charges. Bears CB Ricky Manning Jr and Jags RB
Maurice Drew are officially charged with assault in the Denny's fight dealie.
PR: Have we ever
determined why players on a NFL salary were at a Denny’s?
BB: I kinda like the idea of a Cribs
where they go to like Keith Traylor’s house and he has a full-service Denny’s
as part of his house that only he can go to. And two people work there
constantly in alternating twelve-hour shifts and Traylor has pet names for them
like Geronimo and Cochese.
NCAA
ED:
BB: Awww….you are too red for that old man.
ED: Duke LAX
mess. Will. Never. End. Never.
Ever.
PR: Honey came
in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with
the girl next door
Picture this, we
were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor
How could I
forget that I had
Given her an
extra key
All this time
she was standing there
She never took
her eyes off me
SOCCER
PR: Arsenal
goalkeeper Jens Lehmann… yeah, his Championship League Final didn’t last very
long as he becomes the first person red carded in a final.
BB: Poor Robert Pires’ final match for Arsenal ends with him being
substituted after 20 minutes when Lehmann gets sent
off. Ronaldinho still ugly.
PR: Oh and Henry
announced he is staying at Highbury… no wait… that’s
not right…. Henry announced he is staying at Emirates Stadium. Ooof…. That’s all sorts of ugly.
BB: Oh come on,
at least it’s not sponsored by an orange juice company, failed insurance giant,
or Doritos. Yet.
PR: A Swedish
supermodel goes batty on a British Airways flight. Danny Mills helps subdue
said batty supermodel. Does not get crazed text messages. David Beckham does
not approve. Neither did the Mounties but that is just another layer to this
story.
BB: http://www.harrogatetoday.co.uk/ViewArticle2.aspx?SectionID=17&ArticleID=1512902
http://newpaper.asia1.com.sg/news/story/0,4136,106703,00.html
PR:
BB: I wonder if
they can pass go first.
PR: World Cup
rosters are finalized. WAYNE ROONEY WILL STILL PLAY!!!! Maybe…
BB: CLAUDIO
REYNA WILL NOT! HOPEFULLY! TEASE!!!
OTHER
ED: Bernardini wins the Preakness
Stakes in which Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro breaks
his leg at the outset of the race and is set to become the world's most
expensive can of Alpo.
BB: And if there
had been blood, Ed might still be passed out.
ED: Jimmie
Johnson wins the NASCAR Nextel All-Star Challenge. Whatever the hell that was supposed to
be. Did the race really matter this
time, or something?
PR: Aww… Ray would cry if he actually read us.
ED: Former Red Sox OF Mike Greenwell is set to
make his truck racing debut in the
PR: MVP! MVP!
MVP!
PR: Move around
folks
Push her back
there, move along
Show's over,
folks
Let him breathe,
step lively