The Week That
Was
ED: I still love
you, Colter Bean!!!
PR: At this
point in his career, he might have to move in with you.
BB: Yeah…um…if
you have an extra couch and a supermarket stocked with Pepsi One nearby….
MLB
ED: DL LIST!!!
Yankees P? Shawn Chacon (bruised leg), Twins ALMOST MVP!!! Shannon Stewart
(heel), Orioles PROSPECT!!! Hayden Penn (appendicitis), Nats
TOOLZY PROSPECT!!! Alex Escobar (hammy), Tigers WIFE BEATER!!! Dmitri Young (quad), Giants P Tim Worrell (neck), Phillies PROSPECT!!! Cole Hamels
(shoulder), Tigers P Mike Maroth (elbow), Nats OF Jose Guillen (hammy),
Braves C Brian McCann (hammy), Red Sox P Mike Timlin
(shoulder), Red Sox OF? Wily Mo Pena (wrist),
PR: BRUCE CHEN
SAVES HIS JOB!!!! At least that’s what the Washington Post loved to save. Poor poor
BB: Oh you
better believe
ED: ROSTER
MOVES!!! The Yankees call up OF? Terrence Long, activate OF Gary Sheffield from
the DL, sign DH Erubiel Durazo
and DFA COLTER FRIGGIN' BEAN. The Marlins activate PROSPECT!!! Jeremy Hermida from the DL and send down
IF Robert Andino. The Twins call up OF Jason Kubel. The Orioles call up WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC HERO!!!
Adam Loewen (just to make Buck Martinez' head
explode, I'm certain). The Angels call up YOUNG CUBAN!!! Kendry
Morales and PROSPECT!!! Jered Weaver. The White Sox
call up VETERAN PRESENCE!!! Jeff Nelson. The Reds activate OF Cody Ross from
the DL and ship out P Mike Burns. The Rangers call up DH Jason Botts and send down IF Drew Meyer! The Blue Jays send down
P Josh Towers and SS Russ Adams and call up SS Luis Figueroa and sign 3B Edgardo Alfonzo. The Rangers activate PROSPECT!!! Ian Kinsler from the DL, DFA OF Adam Brown, send
down P Robinson Tejeda and call up P John Rheinecker. The Nats activate C Brian Schneider from the DL. The Red Sox activate P David Wells and OF
Coco Crisp from the DL and send down OF Dustan Mohr. The Cubs call up FAST OUT! Tony Womack.
The D-Backs send down Mr. Jenny Finch.
The Cards activate P Sidney Ponson from the
DL. The Phillies
activate OF Aaron Rowand's broken face from the
DL. The Padres trade P Seth Etherton to the Royals for the ol'
PTBNL or cash. The Dodgers call up
PROSPECT!!! Matt Kemp.
PR: Aww, I didn't think the fork in Alfonzo's back would clear
customs.
BB: Did the Reds
not need anyone to stand on the line for corner kicks or something? The Blue
Jays are going to use Alfonzo as their starting second baseman which I’m pretty
sure is their final insult towards Orlando Hudson or something. Hopefully
Alfonzo wears his hat straightforward and knows the street lingo for pimp.
ED: These are roster moves too,
but the Mets make us giggle so...The Mets pick up P Orlando Hernandez from the
D-Backs for P Jorge Julio. P? Dave Williams from the Reds for cash and P Robert Manuel. And P Mike Adams from the Brewers for P Jeremi
Gonzalez. Ohh,
Omar…
PR: Did no one
notice that Dave Williams is the most un-Latino person ever? Or is here there
just to eat innings in Tidewater? Apparently, no one in the D-Backs
organization realizes that Jorge Julio is actually slang
for Byung-Hyun Kim.
BB: I like how
the team hasn’t been called Tidewater in thirteen years and Rippa is still
stuck on that. In all fairness, he is probably working on the review of the NBA
game from 1993. TEASE!!! SHAMING YOUR FRIENDS INTO WRITING!!!
ED: Ozzie Smith
still hates Tony LaRussa. But, really, who doesn't?
PR: Maybe if
Ozzie had done a few less flips and learned how to play catcher, everything
would be a-okay.
ED: The Royals
hold a players-only team meeting to discuss whether they are even trying to win
after Royals P Scott Elarton poops all over the team.
The Royals then go out and suck all over again.
PR: Of course,
they win the night Mike Mussina pitches. Yup – a
little bit of fantasy bitterness right there.
BB: Aww…his mistress at the bed and breakfast will soothe the
pain. Or make it worse, I forget whether she’s angry or not. Stupid
baseball sluts not writing coherently enough.
ED: A Houston
cop is removed of his duty after a kid catches him having sex with two women in
a Minute Maid Park bathroom during an Astros
game. So he was banging Jeff Bagwell's
ex-wife too?
PR: The cop? The Kid? Craig Biggio? Roger
Clemens? This story could get oh so more intriguing.
BB: I don’t know
how you can even spell Shaune with a K.
ED: Nats minor leaguer Greg Thissen
and Giants OF Abraham Nunez are suspended 50 games for 'roiding. Pshew! That was close! Almost had a roider
in the Giants clubhouse!
BB: Is injecting
steroids the sixth tool?
ED: Infamous
Bronx Little Leaguer Danny Almonte prepares for the
upcoming MLB draft by marrying a 30 year old woman. It's good to see him going
after younger women like a true big leaguer.
PR: Is he
sleeping with Jeff Bagwell’s ex-wife?
ED: Former A's,
Jays, White Sox, etc. P Billy Koch sucked because he got a parasite while
pitching for the A's. So seeeeeeee! Kenny is smarter
than you! He got Koch AND a parasite in that Keith Foulke
deal. Eat VORP, statheads.
PR: Who exactly
would be the parasites similar’s? I am guessing it
would be like West Nile, Lyme Disease,
a barnacle and... like... Chan Ho Park.
BB: I didn’t
even get to make my
ED: Cubs C
Michael Barrett gets a 10 game suspension for slugging White Sox C AJ Pierkneetothegroin and White Sox OF Brian Anderson gets a 5
game suspension and White Sox coach Joey Cora gets a 2 game suspension for
being part of the fight. But we, we get
the pictures of Pierkneetothegroin getting decked, so
we all win.
PR: Aww... Joey Cora. Aww... forgotten coaches pieces.
ED: Marlins P's
Scott Olsen and Randy Messenger get into a scrap in the Marlins clubhouse
leaving Olsen with a black eye. And to
think the Joe Girardi had just been punching himself
in the jimmy since taking that gig.
PR: Does he
charge himself 5K to do it?
BB: Could he get
a nipple for that? I’m not sure what Shaune Bagwell’s
rates are yet. Oops - Kane Bagwell.
ED: Barry Bonds.
Steroids. Perjury. TV show
gets cancelled. HR that gets him passed Ruth is hit off BYK and doesn't
count. E. T. C.
PR: My favorite
about the stories regarding Bonds on Bonds being on “hiatus” was how they went
out of their way to point out that the ratings were as bad as Quite Frankly.
BB: This week on
Bellhorn on Bellhorn…Mark
overhears Jake Peavy making fun of him in the Padres clubhouse
while he plays MLB 2K6 at his locker, then proceeds to groove 30 pitches over
the plate in all-star mode to up Peavy’s ERA four
runs in his dynasty mode. Next week…Mark stares dreamily at the picture of
Chloe O’Brien on his wall….
NBA
ED:
BB: I mean –
what the hell – if Stern really wants to expand overseas – Fallujah
2009. Book it.
ED: The Toronto Rapters win the NBA Lottery to get the first pick in the
2006 draft. And to think of what Isiah could have traded that #1 pick for.
BB: Darko?
PR: There is
always next year. That’s right kids. You too can have a heart murmur and be
worth, not one, but TWO first round picks.
ED:
PR: AU head
basketball coach. Failed CEO. Yeah, that seems like a
proper career progression.
BB: Wait – wait –
isn’t the next step in this career path karaoke DJ?
ED: Former Heat
C Rony Seikaly's supermodel
wife, Elsa Benitez, claims that Seikaly cheated on
her and provokes fights. Ahh, a Benitez who claims
someone else provokes fights.
PR: Aww... a Benitez who blows something other than saves.
BB: Aww…someone who blows besides a Bagwell.
ED: THE NBA
PLAYOFFS!!! WHEE!!!! OLD LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A
BB: BEST ALBUM
SINCE VITALOGY!!!
NHL
ED: COACHING/GM
STUFF!!! The LA Kings hire Marc Crawford as their new head coach and former
Islanders head coach Steve Stirling
is hired by the Springfield Falcons of the AHL.
The Penguins hire Ray Shero as their new
GM. The Bruins hire Peter Chiarelli as their new GM.
PR: One would
guess that
BB: I don’t
think you could invent a Springfield worse than Long Island – I mean, sure,
Homer operates the nuclear plant, but Long Island built a six billion dollar
plant and then realized there was no way to get off the island if it melted
down and never got to use it. And somehow every girl there ended up with a
mutated nose anyway. Oh wait – that is insensitive. Every girl ended up with a Jewy nose. Oh wait – that is worse. Do we have any Jewish
readers I am offending? Do we even have any readers left at this point?
ED:
PR: Yup – the
original draft of that joke, Ed called Janet Jones Gretzky Janet Evans. Which
was amazing for the hilarity as Ed was screaming “YOU CAN’T TELL ME I WAS THE
ONLY ONE WHO RUBBED ONE OUT TO AMERICAN ANTHEM?!?!?!?!?!” and I was like “Janet
Evans really????” And then Bill ruined my day but not knowing who Janet Evans
was. Curse him and his youth. Yes – this will lead to me writing a Janet Evans
FPOTM. (Mainly because I will work in the entire conversation Bill and I had
about this.)
ED: NHL
PLAYOFFS! Yeah, those are still going
on. I hear. How the hell would I know?
AFL
PLAYOFFS!!!
ED:
PR: It’s because
Mazzone isn’t there anymore – right?
ED:
ED:
ED:
PR: Aww... your dreams are coming true.
NFL
ED: Former
Eagles head coach Jim Trimble dead at 87.
Former Saints and Falcons RB Craig "Ironhead" Hayworth dead at 39.
PR: How none of
us picked Hayworth in the death pool is shameful? I will blame it on us
forgetting he had a tumor.
BB: I am leaving
that joke untouched. Not only did Ed forget it was Ironhead
Heyward – Phil just went along blindly. That being
said, I am dismayed I will never actually learn what was, in fact, with that thingee.
ED: Hey!
My beloved Frankfurt Galaxy won the World Bowl! Aww, now I'll have
to go another 30 years until one of my football teams wins another title.
PR: I am still
trying to wrap my brain around - Gibran Hamdan MVP.
ED: PLAYA
MOVEMENT! The Broncos sign LB Kenard Lang. The Lions
release DT Dan Wilkinson. Eagles DT Paul Grasmanis
retires. The Bucs sign WR David Boston. The Raiders
sign TE OJ Santiago.
PR: Yes, the
Giants waived Will Peterson. Yes, the Giants signed Rob Johnson. Yes, I threw
up in my mouth.
ED: FIRST INJURY
LIST OF THE SEASON!!!! Saints LB James Allen is going to miss the entire season
after rupturing his patella tendon.
BB: He better
get some swim-ees. OK – OK – we get until the NFL
preview to use wet
ED: Saints RB
Reggie Bush will not get to wear number 5 in the NFL. Whew! Good thing the NFL
takes care of the important matters in an expedient manner.
BB: Hopefully
they can figure out whether Barry Bonds is on steroids soon.
ED: Florida
Governor Jeb Bush states that he was approached about
the NFL Commissioner gig. Oh yeah, you know the NFL owners wanted him just to
fix any sort of votes they were going to have.
BB: . Jeb just isn’t a football
name. I think the NFL wanted him to change his name to Billy Joe Bush and that’s
why he declined.
ED: That doctor
who prescribed roids to all those Panther players?
Yeah, he had his medical license revoked.
Romo does not approve.
BB: STRETCHING
THE BOUNDARIES OF THE RULES!!!
ED: KC revokes
their request to host the 2015 Super Bowl. Rest of the NFL
now to begin anew with plans to compete for the 2015 Super Bowl.
PR: Did KC decided that since they wouldn’t be competing in the 2015
Super Bowl it wouldn’t be worth hosting it?
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Broncos QB? Jake Plummer is issued a summons
in an alleged road rage incident. Browns RB Reuben Droughns
arrested on domestic violence charges. SUPER BOWL HERO!!! Timmy Smith gets two
and a half years on cocaine distribution charges. Vikings Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie plead guilty to misdemeanor LOVE BOAT! charges and get a $1K fine and 48 hours of community
service.
NCAA
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!!
PR: Did we
already cover the former
ED: Former
PR: Kelvin
Sampson not allowed to call recruits for a year. Yup –
good thing
ED: And yeah,
the
BB: We should
really just link to Deadspin every week and have that
be the WTW. Poor poor
better site than us.
ED: Duke LAX
mess. Will. Never. End. Never.
Ever.
SOCCER
PR:
BB: Awww…beat him if you can,
survive as long as he’s hurt.
PR: Thieves gas
Patrick Vieria and his family in order to rob the
home. That is one heck of a Dutch oven right there.
BB: Yup – we are
down to the Dutch oven jokes.
PR: WAYNE ROONEY
WON’T PLAY IN THE WORLD CUP... maybe....
BB: …….
PR: Ronaldo turns down a 10-year deal from the artists formerly
known as the Metrostars. Guess he valued his knees a
little more than I thought. Poor poor
Meadowlands.
BB: 10 years,
apparently, for $120 million. And maybe Landon Donovan’s
girlfriend. I’m not sure.
PR: What is this
Shevchenko is leaving story you speak of?
BB: Who?
PR:
BB: Aww…the
OTHER
ED: Hey! The
WNBA season started. Bill's preview for FOX SPORTS!!! is
being delayed while he attends to Rob Dibble's every whim.
BB: I am trying
to grow this closer beard and it is just not working.
ED: YOUR BELOVED
CFL NEWZ!!!! Winnipeg Blue Bombers K/P Duncan O'Mahony
vanishes on his way to attending the team's training camp and later emerges,
but is told to get lost again by the Blue Bombers. Als QB? Quincy Carter leaves the team's training camp
then gets cut by the Als.
Argos CB Adrion Smith retires. The league approves 3
rule changes for the upcoming season - allowing coaches to call time outs,
banning open hands to the faces of opponents and creating a 15 yard penalty for
interference on a kick returner. Ricky Williams officially signs with
ED: CFL coaching
legend Annis Stukus dead at
91. Yeah, no way he had any difficulty in high school with that name.
PR: No, I have
no idea why Ed refused to give the CFL its own section. All Canadian hate mail
can be directed at him.
ED: Danica Patrick wins the INDY...What? She didn't win? I'll be damned. I thought she was the only one in the
race. Well shoot, some non-Danica named Sam Hornish Jr wins. Obviously cheating Danica.
BB: You are as
amazed as I am that Phil didn’t get a Danica’s
nipples joke in here somehow.
ED: The French Open started. Yeah, didn't think you cared either.
ED: The
Coca-Cola 600 was going on as I was getting this together. I mean, I hear it was going on. Like I would watch it or
something. But boy, throwing in
those random right turns sure weeded out the pack.
PR: Kasey Kahne won. Oh and Mike
Greenwell finished 26th in the Truck race. Yup – that clearly was
Jose Canseco’s fault.